The After Dark Bandit

The Atavist Magazine, No. 158


Andrew Dubbins is the author of Into Enemy Waters: A World War II Story of the Demolition Divers Who Became the Navy Seals. His writing has appeared in The Daily Beast, Los Angeles Magazine, Alta, and Slate, among other publications. He lives in Los Angeles.

Editor: Jonah Ogles
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Alison Van Houten
Illustrator: Darya Shnykina

Published in December 2024.


The Manhunt

The light was giving way to darkness as detective Patrick Brear arrived at the CBC Bank in Heathcote, an old gold-mining town in southern Australia nestled between mountains and surrounded by dense forest. The quaint two-story redbrick building had been the scene of a crime. Earlier that afternoon, on April 27, 1979, a bank robber shot Ray Koch, a beloved veteran of the local police force. Two bullets ripped holes in Koch’s stomach and intestines, forcing surgeons to remove his spleen. He lost a dangerous amount of blood, and nobody was sure if “Kochy,” as he was affectionately known, would make it.

Brear, who worked for the state of Victoria’s Armed Robbery Squad, passed through the swarm of blue-uniformed police officers collecting evidence, then had a look at the bank’s CCTV footage.  It showed the thief running into the bank carrying a Browning pistol and wearing a black leather jacket, black gloves, and a mask bearing the face of an old man. Brear thought he knew who the perpetrator was: the After Dark Bandit.

The bandit was the state’s most wanted man, suspected in two dozen armed robberies. Brear and his partner, detective John Beever, had been hunting him for over a year. They knew his MO well. He liked to hit rural targets just before they closed for the day, then escape into the bush under cover of darkness. The timing of many of his crimes was the inspiration for his nickname.

Though it pained Beever and Brear to admit it, there was something different about this criminal, almost superhuman. He was known to pull off two robberies within a half-hour of each other, in towns that were more than a dozen miles apart. Newspaper reporters theorized that he must be driving a very fast car. Brear and Beever had attempted to reenact one of the back-to-back jobs, but they couldn’t make it from one location to the other in time.

Just as unusual were the bandit’s mood swings. According to witnesses, he could be cheeky and chatty on one job, menacing and severe on the next. Early in his career, the After Dark Bandit had been cautious and deliberate, taking small sums from off-track betting storefronts, known as TAB agencies. But in recent months he’d grown bolder, emptying banks, sometimes in broad daylight. So audacious was the bandit that he’d robbed the CBC branch in Heathcote twice in the previous nine months. As he entered the bank on the third occasion, on April 27, the ledger keeper recognized him; she could be seen in security footage standing arms akimbo like a peeved schoolmarm. The bandit had stolen her orange Datsun to use as his getaway vehicle the last time he was there. He took it again this time, after shooting Koch and packing up the money he’d come for.

The bandit ditched the Datsun at the edge of town and was then seen speeding on a motorcycle into a forested area outside Heathcote. Law enforcement descended on the spot from far and wide; they came from various branches of the state’s police force, including an elite SWAT team and a dog squad. A police helicopter and two fixed-wing aircraft led an aerial search. Police on motorbikes were tasked with covering the dense, rugged terrain of the forest, where thickets of eucalyptus and pine covered abandoned goldfields. “We are very hopeful that he is in the area and we will get him,” a detective told journalists. “He has used a firearm, and we must treat him as very dangerous.”

The following morning, senior constable Rick Hasty was cruising in his police van through the city of Bendigo, 40 minutes northwest of Heathcote. Hasty was a friend of Koch’s and had just visited the wounded cop’s wife. He would have preferred to be helping with the manhunt, but was ordered to remain on duty in Bendigo, part of a skeleton crew of officers keeping an eye on the place. Nobody expected the robber to turn up there, since doing so would require snaking his way through the nearly 200 officers searching for him, a maneuver considered too bold even for the After Dark Bandit.

While sitting in traffic, Hasty spotted a man walking with a blue suitcase and sporting a red Zapata mustache. Hasty didn’t have any particular reason to suspect that this was the man his colleagues were looking for, but he had a feeling. “I just knew it was him,” Hasty told me. He watched the man cross the road and enter a dead-end alley. He parked his van and got out. As he walked into the alley, the man came toward him.

“What’s your name?” Hasty asked.

“Peter Morgan,” the man replied. “Why?”

“Because I run this fucking town and I want to know who’s in it.”

Hasty wasn’t carrying a gun, nor did he see any lumps in Morgan’s pockets suggesting a weapon. He felt confident that he could take the man if needed. Tough and fit, Hasty competed as a professional cyclist and had been a farmer before a drought pushed him onto the police force to make ends meet.

“Where you going?” Hasty asked.

“Going to Melbourne to watch footy.”

“What’s in the case?”

“Oh, it’s only knickknacks.”

“Can I have a look?”

“Sure.”

Hasty knelt down, opened the suitcase, and rifled through it. There was a can of Coca-Cola, a newspaper, and—inside a drawstring sack—a sawed-off shotgun, stacks of money, and a mask that looked like an old man’s face. Hasty turned to Morgan, who now had a Browning pistol aimed at him.

It’s a toy, Hasty thought. Then: No, it’s death.

Morgan shoved his pistol into Hasty’s stomach, and the two men wrestled in silence. Morgan pulled the trigger twice, but there wasn’t a bullet in the chamber. Hasty forced his adversary’s gun hand upward and the pistol fell. (Later he would claim that he pried the gun away, and Morgan that he dropped it in surrender.) Hasty then pushed Morgan up against the wall and grabbed him by the throat.

“You’ve got me,” Morgan said. “I just made you a hero.”

“If you fucking move,” Hasty replied, “I’ll kill you as you stand there.”

Later that day, police detectives arrived at Peter Morgan’s farm in Nyora, a small railroad town in the rolling hills of southern Victoria, about 140 miles from Heathcote. While searching the property where Morgan lived with his wife and son, law enforcement found two Valiant automobiles, a motorbike, cans of black spray paint, a flashlight, a compass, a sleeping bag, and a variety of guns. They also found a beanie and a striped brown jumper—articles the After Dark Bandit was known to have worn during robberies.

According to Brear, the most shocking piece of evidence was a black-and-white photograph. It showed Morgan in a posh restaurant, smiling while seated beside another man. The two had matching shirts, matching mustaches, matching sideburns, and matching faces.

Finally, it was clear to police how the bandit had managed to be in two places at once: Peter had an identical twin brother.  

Detective Brear called his partner, Beever, and told him that the robber they’d been chasing wasn’t one man but two. “Bullshit,” Beever answered. But it was true. And it meant that the After Dark Bandit—or the other half of him—was still at large.

The Inheritance

Understanding the Morgan twins’ crime spree requires understanding their father. On December 15, 1949, a 19-year-old Kay Morgan carried a briefcase into the Commercial Bank in Eltham, a suburb of Melbourne known for its natural surroundings. Wearing a dark blue suit, gray felt hat, and sunglasses, the nervous teenager presented himself as a customer looking to open a new account, then drew a Browning pistol, according to newspaper reports. “The game is on!” he shouted. “I’ll take the lot!”

The teller opened the money drawer. “Here it is,” he said, tauntingly. “Come and get it.” Then the teller and the bank manager pulled pistols of their own from their pockets.

Kay fired a shot that went straight through the counter and between the teller’s legs, then another into the ceiling as he hurried from the bank. He ran to his getaway vehicle, a stolen gray Singer sports car parked across the street. The teller and the bank manager chased after him, firing 15 shots at the fleeing car and hitting it numerous times. Speeding out of Eltham, Kay crashed into an embankment a half-mile down the road, then escaped on foot into the bush.

Following a large manhunt, police captured Kay, acting on a tip from one of his friends. “I am pleased you have caught me,” Kay told them, according to a newspaper report. “I will tell you everything.” He confessed to the failed robbery, admitting that he had attempted it to repay a loan to his father, a prominent real estate developer. (His father refused to pay Kay’s bail.)

Kay served nearly three years behind bars, then moved to the countryside and married a childhood friend named Beryl. On October 30, 1953, they had identical twins, Peter and Doug. The family relocated to Melbourne, where Kay thrived as a property developer, until a credit squeeze in the 1960s bankrupted him. To stay afloat, Kay may have resorted to shady business dealings that threatened to catch up with him, prompting an abrupt move to New Zealand when the twins were barely in their teens.

Kay found work as a carpenter outside Wellington, the small, windy capital city at the mouth of the Cook Strait. But after offering to import a Holden sedan for his boss, then blowing the money at the racetrack, Kay returned to crime. He’d break into a post office at night, put the facility’s safe on a trolley, wheel it out to his car, and speed off into the night. Kay rented a house where he’d use a cold chisel to open the safes, often while the twins were playing in the other room. In addition to money, they usually contained stamps, which Kay liked to sell back to the post office he’d robbed. He told the boys that whatever they needed to do to get ahead in life was OK, so long as no one got hurt.

To disguise himself during his crimes, Kay wore fake glasses and used Brylcreem to darken and slick back his hair. Sometimes he asked the boys if they wanted to come along to “give him a hand.” Doug always volunteered. The twins provided excellent cover—the police were less likely to pull over a vehicle with an adorable boy or two in the back—and doubled as lookouts.

One night, when Doug was 12, Kay parked near a supermarket and told his son to keep an eye out. Doug watched his dad run toward the store, a silhouette in the moonlight. Kay robbed the market so often he’d left a piece of roofing loose for easy access. Doug had just wiggled into the driver’s seat—he thought it would feel cool to sit behind the wheel—when the market’s alarm started blaring. He waited for what felt like an eternity. Then the driver’s-side door suddenly flung open and his dad appeared out of the dark. “Move over,” Kay said as he slid into the car. Father and son peeled away from the scene.

Kay’s criminal career meant that the family was constantly on the run. Over the course of their childhood, Peter and Doug lived in some 40 houses and attended five schools, where they were often enrolled under false names. In photos from back then, it’s impossible to tell them apart. As early as infancy, their mom liked to dress her sons the same. They wore matching shoes and jumpers and had matching hairstyles. The twins were often each other’s only playmate. Indeed, the family’s status as fugitives made them a tight unit; Doug considered them “a gang of four.”

But then Beryl became suspicious that Kay—charismatic and handsome, a “cross between Steve McQueen and Paul Newman,” in Peter’s words—was seeing other women. One evening, during an especially heated argument, Beryl refused to let Kay take the car to rob a post office. Instead, he pushed a wheelbarrow to his target, planning to haul away the safe. The police showed up before he could clear out, and Kay was arrested—but not before the former boxer bashed one of them in the head with a crowbar.

With Kay in custody, his 13-year-old twins were left to dispose of the evidence of his crimes. According to Peter, Beryl drove them to Kay’s rental house, where they filled the family car with empty safes. Then she drove them to a nearby bridge where, one by one, in the pitch dark, they were tipped into the river below. (In Doug’s recollection, the brothers did this without their mother’s help.)

After serving an 18-month prison sentence, Kay was deported back to Australia, and his family followed. Kay vowed to go straight and resume working in construction. The twins worked alongside him; he’d taken them out of school when they were 15 and trained them himself. The teenagers also worked briefly at a bank; Doug, who’d earned high marks in math while still in school, rose to become a teller, while Peter remained a junior employee.

One Sunday morning in December 1971, 18-year-old Doug and Peter were relaxing at home when they heard a guttural scream from their parents’ bedroom. They ran inside to find 41-year-old Kay lying on the bed with his arms in the air, as if reaching for the ceiling. Doug tried to lower them while Peter watched from the edge of the bed as his father gasped for air.

Someone called for help, and a nurse hurried over from a church across the street, where she’d been attending service. When Doug checked on his father later that day, he found the nurse straightening Kay’s legs and tightening the sheets around him.

“He’s OK?” Doug asked.

“No,” said the nurse. “He’s dead.”

A half-century later, Doug remembers his tumultuous early years fondly. “My childhood was a great adventure,” he told me. “I still look back and I smile. Maybe it was the teamwork, maybe it was being part of something.” At his home in the countryside north of Melbourne, Doug showed me the dusty old train set he and Peter used to play with when Kay was prying open stolen safes, and offered me some of his dad’s favorite cookies. Outside he pushed forward the driver’s seat of his Land Rover. Underneath, wrapped in some of his mother’s curtains, was his father’s ashes. “He goes everywhere with me,” Doug said with a smirk.

Peter doesn’t find this funny. “If I want to visit my dad,” he told me on the anniversary of Kay’s death, “I’ll have to steal my brother’s car.”

Peter doesn’t know where Doug lives, and he doesn’t like to talk to him. Doug is fine with that. The roots of the men’s resentment run deep. As kids their personalities clashed—Doug was irreverent, while Peter was serious—and they were hyper-competitive. When Doug found himself in the principal’s office in first grade for kissing a girl behind a shed, he claimed that Peter was the guilty one and had blamed him to avoid getting in trouble. Their relationship could hold an edge of violence: They had water and pillow fights so intense that their mom shut herself up in another room to avoid the chaos. Sometimes one twin would pull his jumper over his head, then hold the other twin’s neck under his arm as if in a vise, making it appear like he was carrying his own severed head.

Kay’s sudden death brought the twins closer for a while. “It sort of cemented a bond with my brother [and me] against the world,” Doug said. It was what happened later, when they followed in their father’s footsteps and became prolific stickup men, that transformed what might have been a bygone rivalry into a bitter, unbridgeable rift.

As Peter tells it, for decades Doug made himself out to be the good twin and Peter the bad twin. Peter finds this ridiculous. He also insists that Doug is unworthy of any media attention for the robberies that had once captivated the public across Australia. In Peter’s view, there was only one After Dark Bandit.

The Late Checks

Within six months of Kay’s death, Beryl remarried. Doug considered it the gang of four’s second loss. Around the same time, the twins began working together in construction. They were young, but they’d been trained well by their dad and could pull in more than the average subcontractor—sometimes over $500 Australian a week. (The country stopped using pounds in 1966.) Over time, though, Peter grew to resent being dependent on other people for his livelihood. The twins were 23 and at a construction site when Peter read a newspaper article about the Boiler Suit Gang, a group of bank robbers named after the blue outfits they wore during robberies. “We could do that,” he said to his brother.

At first Doug brushed him off, but Peter kept bringing it up, and Doug was soon indulging Peter’s fantasies about how they’d pull off a heist. They talked about how most robberies occurred in cities, where a cop might be parked around the corner, leaving the perpetrator little time to escape. But if they went after rural targets, they could ascertain how many cops were in town and suss out where they’d be at a given time. The brothers could strike at dusk, just before closing, and use the falling darkness to conceal themselves as they fled. They could anticipate where police roadblocks would be set up and hike through the bush to avoid them. The idea, Peter told me, “was basically guerrilla warfare: Do the crime, disappear, and then reappear outside the search area.”

It was all just talk until money got tight. The twins had families to support. Their mother’s second husband had six children, and Peter had developed a romantic relationship with his 16-year-old stepsister, Pamela. Peter married her when he was 19—the same year Doug married another woman named Pamela. Both were shotgun weddings, the twins told me, and Peter and Doug were soon fathers.

In the lead-up to Easter in 1977, the twins were waiting on payment for a pair of house frames they’d built. The person who owed them said that the checks were in the mail, but they hadn’t arrived. Peter, feeling stuck, decided that a robbery would free him. He was also anxious about his health. He’d suffered rheumatic fever in his teens and then developed chest pains. (These were later diagnosed as symptoms of panic attacks.) He feared an early cardiac event like the one that killed his father, and figured that if he wouldn’t be around long enough to retire, he may as well “go out and get my gold watch now.”

Doug was open to the idea—he, too, had been raised by a man with a criminal mindset. “My father’s philosophy was that it’s OK to do whatever you want to maintain the lifestyle you want,” he told me. He also realized that, were they ever to be caught, the fact that they were twins might keep them out of jail. Prosecutors would be forced to prove which of them had committed the crime. As long as the brothers stayed silent, reasonable doubt would always cloud the truth.

The brothers planned to use a stolen car during the crime, but Doug declined to help with that. He also refused to carry out the robbery or use a gun. “I’ll do it all,” Peter said. Doug agreed to serve as an “assistant,” helping Peter get to and from the scene. The twins decided that Peter would get two-thirds of the loot and Doug the remainder.

On a rainy Holy Thursday, Peter walked into a car dealership in a suburb of Melbourne. He told the salesman that he was interested in the Ford Falcon GT. Capable of going up to 140 miles per hour, and priced at about $6,500 Australian, it was the best car in the yard. The new salesman couldn’t believe his good fortune. “It’s a surprise for my wife,” Peter told him, “so what I’d like to do is take the car to our house and show her what I’m going to buy her.”

Peter got behind the wheel, the salesman climbed in, and they sped off along a rain-slickened road. Peter drove to a random house nearby. The two got out, and the salesman began walking up the path, eager to meet Peter’s wife, who he presumed was inside. Peter drew an air pistol.

“This is where we part company,” Peter said. The salesman saw the gun. “What, and the car?” he managed to say. “Yeah,” Peter replied. He climbed back into the driver’s seat and sped away.

Peter drove to a nearby cemetery where Doug was waiting in a Leyland P76 with a few jerricans of gasoline for the stolen GT, so Peter didn’t have to risk showing his face at a filling station. Rain fell in sheets over the tombstones and pounded the roofs of the cars. Doug poured the gas into the tank, bid his brother goodbye, and drove off. Then Peter waited in the cemetery for darkness to come.

At dusk, Peter drove to a TAB agency in nearby Mernda and entered holding a Jager .22 semiautomatic assault rifle he’d purchased in Melbourne. The rain had drenched his khaki carpentry overalls. He’d planned to wear a stocking over his head, but the moisture on his face had made it hard to see, so he went unconcealed.

Peter ordered the manager to empty the cash drawers, then stuffed the bills into a bag and directed him to open the safe. The man refused. Instead he gave Peter a lecture, imploring him not to ruin his life. Looking back, Peter assumed that this was prompted by his appearance—he was a “23-year-old bloke” who looked like “a drowned rat” in his soaked work clothes. Rather than threaten to shoot, Peter backed out the door and leapt into the stolen GT.

Doug was waiting behind the wheel of the Leyland a few miles outside Mernda. When Peter rolled up in the GT, he threw the bag of money through the driver’s-side window. Doug yanked the steering wheel from its column and shoved the cash into the exposed space. Then the brothers drove off in different directions.

With his adrenaline pumping, Peter raced along a forestry road in the deluge. Suddenly, the GT slid off the asphalt into a rushing creek. Peter abandoned the vehicle and made his way on foot to the rendezvous point he and Doug had agreed on. Only later would Peter realize the uncanny parallels to his father’s bank robbery in nearby Eltham, the one that landed him in prison for several years: Like Kay, Peter had failed to access the establishment’s safe, and like his dad he’d crashed a stolen sports car.

The haul from the TAB agency came to $320. “You’re not much of a robber,” Doug said.

Peter was shaken by the experience. He worried that he’d screwed up his life for a couple hundred bucks.  “The paranoia sets in,” he told me. “What if they know it’s me? What if the car salesman gave a really good description?”

When the cops failed to come knocking, Peter had an exhilarating realization: He’d gotten away with it. The missing checks from the construction job arrived four days after the robbery. By then it didn’t matter. Peter had tasted crime and wanted more. So did Doug.

The Bushrangers

In the late 18th century, Great Britain established Australia as a penal colony, primarily to alleviate overcrowding in British prisons. Over time, around 160,000 prisoners were transported to the continent. Those who were uneducated were made to perform backbreaking labor under threat of corporal punishment. Some escaped into the bush seeking freedom and turned to crime to stay alive.

Known as bushrangers, they adapted to life in the wilderness, forming outlaw bands that robbed travelers and settlers alike, stealing food, weapons, ammunition, bedding, and other supplies. Many bushrangers had short careers that ended in shootouts or capture, and in some cases execution. But a few gained notoriety for their bold escapades and their ability to evade capture for long periods in the wilderness.

The most infamous bushranger was Ned Kelly, born around 1854 in Victoria. Kelly’s father—just like the Morgan twins’—was a criminal. He’d been brought from Ireland to Australia as a convicted thief. Kelly eventually committed an infamous string of robberies and bush escapes. He was captured, tried, and hanged in 1880.

Unlike Kelly, who killed three police officers, the brothers agreed to avoid undue violence—they wanted the money, not to harm anyone. They pledged to walk away from a job if things got “too hot.” After the Mernda robbery, Doug decided that he wanted an equal role in the next heist, to prove that he was as tough as his brother. The twins set their sights on another betting agency, this one in the town of Berwick, on the southeastern fringes of Melbourne. It would be the first and only time the brothers pulled a job together.

Doug still felt squeamish about carrying a gun, so he went to a local army surplus store and paid $59 for an imitation pistol. It didn’t have a bore—the hole through the center of the barrel—so he’d need to avoid pointing it at anyone, or they might realize it was a fake.

On the evening of May 30, 1977, right before the robbery, Doug strolled past Berwick’s police station, a hundred yards from the betting agency. A cop car was parked out front. He punctured the tires with a screwdriver. Then the Morgan twins barged into the betting agency, with Peter carrying a rifle and Doug the imitation pistol. “I don’t like to boast,” Doug told me, recalling the event, “but the manager definitely opened the safe door when I went along.” The brothers filled their bags with $916, ran outside, and mounted a pair of bicycles. Peter had painted the bikes black so they’d be less visible at night. They coasted down a hill away from the betting agency, met up with a railroad line, and pedaled along the tracks to a car parked a short distance away.

For their next crime, Peter drew up what he called a “double job”—two heists committed within half an hour of each other. The first would distract police and clear the way for the second. The twins would wear identical jumpers, like when they were kids, to fool the authorities into thinking that both were carried out by a single perpetrator.

Peter did his part, stealing $1,277 from a betting agency in Hastings, but Doug got cold feet and aborted his portion of the plan. Twelve days later Doug sought redemption, charging into a betting agency in Koo Wee Rup armed with the imitation pistol and a sawed-off shotgun, which he vowed he’d use only to fire warning shots.

A month later, Peter planned another double job. He robbed $1,567 from a TAB agency in Lilydale, only to discover afterward that Doug had balked again. Ten days later Doug struck his assigned target, a betting agency in Healesville, a small town in the fertile Yarra Valley, where kangaroos were often spotted lazing in the shade. When he entered the TAB, a customer was placing a bet. Doug told the employee behind the counter to let the customer finish up before turning over the agency’s cash.

After exiting with $1,080, Doug leapt onto a bicycle and rode past the police station. He stashed the bike in some hedges and disappeared into the bush. Doug hiked about ten miles to a rendezvous point with Peter, scratching himself on blackberry bushes and lying prone as cars passed along the highway. It was like a game of hide-and-seek, he told me, “except your friend is going to shoot you.”

The twins were young and immature, and they’d found a way to make cash far more quickly than they could lugging lumber and bricks around construction sites. Plus, there was a sense of adventure in it all. Doug remembers sleeping under a giant fern during a storm and falling asleep to the sound of rain. Peter was once scouting an escape route on his motorbike when a dozen kangaroos rushed past. “For about 20 seconds, I’m part of the kangaroo flock,” he told me. Peter also thrived on the rush he felt after a job. “You’re mainlining on adrenaline for six or eight hours,” he said. “That’s the most powerful drug in the world, adrenaline. And the cheapest.”

The police were at a loss to figure out who was behind the brothers’ capers. Despite Peter carrying a gun in his left hand and Doug in his right, nobody caught on that there were two robbers and not one. The twins were  “cleanskins,”  meaning that they didn’t have a criminal record. Nor did they have any questionable friends, gang affiliations, or links to Australia’s underworld.  “The only criminal we ever knew was our father,” Peter said. This kept them off authorities’ radar but also meant that they only had each other to confide in and rely on.

Peter was the planner, and a meticulous one. He kept a black book of potential jobs, with the locations of various TABs and banks, when they opened and closed, exit points, nearby police stations, and even coffee shops local law enforcement frequented. He gave each target a score based on its suitability. “Two ticks if the building was good, and maybe another tick if the getaway was good,” Peter said.

The twins decided not to do robberies in the summer months, because that was when Australia’s venomous snakes were about. If one of them was bitten, he’d have to turn himself in to avoid succumbing from the venom. They also didn’t use walkie-talkies, concerned that someone might pick up the frequency. Instead, they developed a way of communicating in code by flashlight. When one brother arrived at a rendezvous point and gave a signal in the darkness, the other would signal back if it was safe to meet.

The brothers never ate before a job. “You don’t want a full stomach when you’ve got to walk 20 kilometers,” Doug explained. To cut down on weight, they didn’t even bring water; they kept their mouths moist by chewing gum with flavored liquid in the center.

After a job, the tradition was to drive to Melbourne and eat at an all-night burger joint. They’d pick up the latest paper, which sometimes included news of their crime. Peter remembered one headline declaring that the police had the bandit surrounded and were expecting an early arrest. The twins laughed as they scarfed down hamburgers several towns away.  

The Mask

Victoria’s Armed Robbery Squad operated out of the Russell Street Police Headquarters in downtown Melbourne. A blond-brick skyscraper crowned with a tall metal radio mast, the building stood across the road from the Old Melbourne Gaol, where Ned Kelly was hanged. Nineteen investigators had been allocated to the squad, and they were spread thin. Detective sergeant Jimmy Louden, who led one of the squad’s six crews, was in charge of the investigation into the prolific TAB robber, known initially as the Machine Gun Bandit because the assault rifle he sometimes carried resembled an automatic weapon. By August 1978, John Beever and Patrick Brear were running lead on the case.

Beever and Brear started by revisiting each crime scene. The detectives drove long distances to talk to small-town cops and reinterview witnesses, paying close attention to physical details of the bandit and his routine. He usually struck at around 7 p.m., and police noticed that he hadn’t been very active during the Australian summer of 1977–78. The officers concluded that this was because the summer months brought more daylight hours, preventing the bandit from using darkness to his advantage.

The robber was hitting targets all across southern Victoria, from windy Great Ocean Road in the west to the farm-studded flatlands of Wellington Shire in the east. Beever and Brear were especially baffled by robberies in Dromana and Sorrento that had occurred within 30 minutes of each other. The coastal towns were 15 miles apart on the Mornington Peninsula, a narrow boot-shaped strip of land south of Melbourne known for its vineyards, sheltered beaches, and great surf. As the bandit entered the agency in Sorrento, he told a female staff member, “Sorry I’m late, but I just held up the Dromana branch.” Beever and Brear were unable to cover the distance between the two towns in the time that elapsed between the robberies. “We were dealing with more than just your run-of-the-mill offender,” Brear said. “We were looking for a very smart operative.”

Once the bandit’s MO was established, Victoria police launched a broad-based surveillance effort code-named Operation Rimfire. The objective was to monitor TAB agencies in areas where the bandit was operating, in particular between the hours of 5 p.m. and 7:30 p.m. It was an enormous allocation of manpower for small-town police stations with just a handful of employees. Officers attended briefings and manned stakeouts in shifts. They were instructed to wear civilian clothes, stay near a telephone, and maintain radio contact. Meal breaks were forbidden. After the bandit struck while an officer was using the restroom, officers were ordered to hold their water, too.

As the search dragged on, the police grew annoyed by the public’s lack of assistance. The leader of Victoria’s Armed Robbery Squad, detective inspector Tom O’Keeffe, told the press, “It’s not a Ned Kelly fight between the coppers and the villain. It’s not a game people can join in by watching on TV.” He warned that the bandit was “a potential psychopath,” and compared him to rapists and murderers. “It looks like it’s a challenge to him,” he said, “and we accept the challenge.”

Despite careful planning, close calls were unavoidable for the Morgan twins. During one escape, Doug encountered a roadblock on a bridge and had to slip into a swollen river to avoid detection. From under the bridge, he could see the cops above silhouetted by flashing lights. For a moment he considered yelling for help. He feared that the heavy bag of cash tied around his neck might drown him, but managed to reach the bank and drag himself ashore.

To stay ahead of police, the twins had to innovate. After one stickup in the bayside town of Edithvale, Peter experimented with a novel getaway method: a timber canoe. He built it himself, along with a paddle, to prevent the police from tracing it to a store. He navigated into foggy Port Phillip Bay with his stolen cash in a waterproof container, watching the lights of the police cars as they raced into town. Suddenly, the canoe started to sink—he hadn’t waterproofed it. Peter paddled frantically to shore, where he abandoned the vessel and hiked back to his car.  

One day, Peter was perusing a collection of novelty items at an agricultural show in Melbourne when he spotted a mask. It looked like the face of an ugly old man and had a mop of curly hair attached, long enough that it ran to Peter’s collar. He decided that it offered perfect cover. He came to see the mask as the part of his robbery kit that distinguished him as a serious professional criminal, and resolved not to let his brother use it.

That was fine with Doug, who used handkerchiefs and bandanas to cover his face during robberies. He had no interest in wearing Peter’s mask, which he tried on just once. “It was a piece of shit,” he told me. “Your vision was really bad out of it, so you didn’t have peripheral.”

Peter felt that his brother was an unreliable partner. Doug wasn’t balking at jobs anymore, but he was sometimes unavailable because of practice with his recreational football team. “I was full on,” Peter said, “whereas for whatever reason, Douglas became reluctant.” Peter planned TAB heists in Drouin and Keilor without telling his brother.

But TABs were beginning to feel too small-time for the kind of criminal Peter saw himself as. In early 1978, he decided to hit his first bank.

The Nickname

Because banks closed earlier than TABs, Peter knew that he risked being seen before the sun went down. This meant it was imperative that he get into the bush faster than usual. He decided to steal a motorbike to do so. One of Peter’s rules was to only steal from businesses, not individuals, so he went to a used-car lot, asked to test-drive a Honda 500cc motorcycle, and zoomed away without paying for it.

The next day, March 7, 1978, Peter rode the stolen motorbike to the State Savings Bank in Mirboo North, a tranquil farming town. He ran inside armed with a shotgun and ordered the manager to fill up a bag with money. He then escaped to a nearby pine forest, stashed the bike, and set off on foot. When he stopped to rest, he rifled through his bag of money and found a brand-new .25-caliber Browning pistol inside. It belonged to the bank. A staff member must have tossed it inside for some reason during the robbery.

The take was a hefty $15,098, and Peter planned to spend his share. While Doug sometimes used his portion of the loot to purchase sports cars, Peter preferred ski boats, motorbikes, and guns. Like their father before them, both men enjoyed betting on horses and greyhounds. Peter used this as a way to launder his money: He’d place a bet with stolen cash at one window, then claim his winnings at another, receiving clean bills in return. (Since the races didn’t always go his way, he figures that the method amounted to about a 20 percent processing fee.)

Peter also took up horse trading. He bought horses at country markets, transported them to his property, and sold some to recreational riders while keeping others for himself. It was an ideal cover for the robberies, justifying his frequent travel and surplus cash, and providing an explanation for how he spent his time. He’d even use the horse trailer to haul stolen motorcycles to robbery locations. Peter accumulated so many horses—he estimates that he bought and sold about 100—that he bought a farm in Nyora and moved his family there.

Several of Peter’s Thoroughbreds competed on the local racing circuit. As kids the Morgan twins idolized the Skelton brothers, who were among the best jockeys in New Zealand. Now, as an owner of racehorses, Peter had the opportunity to lift R.J. Skelton into his saddle before a race. “He called me Mr. Morgan,” Peter bragged to Doug. However indirectly, the robberies were earning him power and respect.

Peter claims that he hid his crimes from his family. He’d wait until his wife left for work—Pamela managed a hardware company—before washing the stolen bank notes, dunking them in water, shoving them in a stocking, and running them in the clothes dryer to remove any ink stamps the bank had marked them with. Like his father, he also rented a safe house in Essendon, gave the landlady a phony story, and kept a car at the property in case he needed to disappear in a hurry.

Doug’s son, Michael, told me that his mother once opened the trunk of their car and found it full of cash. “But Father was good at lying,” Michael said. “He said he’d won it at the races.”

The Morgan brothers treated their wives with coldness at times, and despite their fraternal competitiveness, they often opted to spend time with each other rather than their families. Doug’s wife was saddened by his absence and neglect; Peter’s wife finally left, taking their son with her, after Peter returned from a three-day heist and refused to tell her where he’d been. Peter spent the next day losing $7,000 at the racetrack. When his wife returned with their son and a new toy she’d bought for him, Peter bitterly blamed her for his losses. That toy had cost seven grand, he thought.

Still, the Pamelas stuck by their husbands even as their families grew: Doug eventually had a son and a daughter, and Peter had two sons. Just as Kay brought the twins along on jobs, Peter sometimes took his four-year-old to scout potential targets and police stations. One day the toddler was in the car with his grandparents when he said, “We need to go and look at the cop shop!”

“Why?” they asked.

Because, the boy said, Dad always liked to check them out.

After the Mirboo North bank heist, the twins targeted a string of betting agencies. Following one stickup, in the town of Torquay, Doug was fleeing in the darkness when a local service-station owner gave chase. Doug turned and fired his gun, which was loaded with buckshot. He intended it to be a warning shot and had aimed at the ground, but a pellet struck the man’s lip.

At around 7 p.m., Peter heard about the robbery on the radio and fell into a fury. “The shooting broke my rules,” Peter told me. “There was to be no violence.” Waiting in his Valiant Charger at the rendezvous point, Peter extended the barrel of his Jager .22 rifle through the open window. I’m going to kill him, Peter thought. The gun was loaded and cocked, with the safety off. He saw Doug walking toward the vehicle in the darkness, finishing what was a 15-mile hike from Torquay. Peter was about to pull the trigger when he thought: What am I doing? He put the gun back down on his lap.

In the wake of the shooting of the service-station owner, police reporter Geoff Wilkinson published a story headlined “Hunt for 14-Raid TAB Thief,” portraying the criminal as a “potential killer.” Wilkinson—who would later write Double Trouble, a book about the twins, with coauthor Ross Brundrett—also gave the robber a new nickname, based on his propensity for nighttime heists: the After Dark Bandit.

The Briefcase

Doug’s shooting of the man in Torquay brought to the fore some fundamental disagreements between the Morgan brothers. Doug had always considered himself the better carpenter, better with girls, and their father’s favorite. Doug felt that Peter now saw himself as the better bank robber and was intent on rubbing it in. For his part, Peter felt like his brother was just “along for the ride,” enjoying the fruits of his efforts while pulling fewer jobs and bringing in less money. This inspired Peter’s nickname for Doug: Parasite. He felt that Doug lacked commitment. “It was a business,” Peter told me. “Not a legal business, but it was still a business.”

Peter was meticulous to the point of obsessive when preparing for a robbery, scouting targets for hours at a time and repeatedly assembling and disassembling his rifle in the dark like a commando. As Peter saw it, Doug had never taken anything seriously in his life. In their teens, they’d been evenly matched in most sports, but Peter had the edge in track and field. During one race in New Zealand, Doug unexpectedly got out to a huge lead, and Peter exhausted himself catching up. Then, halfway through the race, Doug stopped and walked off the track. “It was all just a big joke to him,” Peter told me.

Doug’s lackadaisical attitude clashed with Peter’s desire to expand their criminal enterprise to include higher-stakes bank jobs. The last TAB Peter ever hit was in the small dairy town of Maffra. It was the second half of a double robbery; Doug had struck a betting agency in Heyfield 25 minutes earlier. Peter, wearing his mask, entered the caged area behind the TAB’s counter and collected the money from the cash drawers. But when the manager opened the floor safe, it was empty. “Where’d you hide it?” asked Peter, rummaging through a waste bin to see if any money was stashed inside. The manager just smiled. Reading the papers afterward, Peter concluded that after Doug’s Heyfield heist, the police had notified all TABs in the area that the After Dark Bandit was on the prowl. Peter was less annoyed by the measly haul—a mere $463—than by the feeling that he’d been outsmarted.

Two weeks later,  eager to show the police who was boss, Peter parked his motorcycle outside Heathcote’s CBC Bank, donned his mask, and ran inside carrying a sawed-off shotgun and a large bag. “I have to rob a bank because the coppers have got the TABs covered,” he told the frightened staff. He seized $15,106 in cash.  

Carrying the stolen money out of the Heathcote CBC, Peter spotted a man seated in a car wearing a blue Victoria Police uniform. Peter, still in his mask, dragged the man out of the car and frisked him for a gun.

“You’re a cop,” Peter said.

“No,” lied the off-duty constable, terrified.

Peter threw the man’s keys into a nearby field, then climbed onto his motorcycle and sped off down Heathcote’s main street.

Soon after, flush with cash from the bank heist, the Morgan twins went to the races at Ballarat, a provincial city in the gold-rich Central Highlands of Victoria. They drove Peter’s Valiant Charger, which he’d recently souped up to outrun the cops. “It was my pride and joy, obviously,” Peter told me. In the boot of the car was a briefcase containing two shotguns and thousands of dollars in cash.

Before the races started, Doug vanished. Peter couldn’t find him in the restroom or anywhere else he searched. He’d never known his brother to skip a race, so Peter panicked, worrying that the police might have nabbed him. He decided to leave, but walking through the parking lot he realized that the cops might be waiting at his car. He crept between vehicles, trying to remain unseen, until he came to his spot. The Valiant was gone.

Peter took a taxi back to his house, where he found his car parked with the door and trunk open. The briefcase was gone, and there was a note on the steering wheel: “Thanks bro.”

Doug had stolen the car by having a copy of Peter’s key cut the previous day. “My greatest job,” Doug told me. “I robbed the robber.”

For three days, Peter said, he “hunted Doug around Victoria prepared to kill him.” He drove to every motel he could find. “I’m looking for my twin brother. He looks like me,” he told each proprietor. “There’s been a death in the family, and I can’t contact him.”

Doug told me that he robbed his brother because he was fed up with Peter calling him Parasite. Plus, he wanted to prove that he could get the better of his twin. “I showed him who’s the real master,” Doug said.

A few days after disappearing, Doug called Peter. “We need to talk,” he said.

“You’re a scumbag,” Peter replied.

Still, the brothers agreed to meet. When they sat down at a pub in Melbourne, according to Doug, he handed over Peter’s gun and half the money from the boot of his car. (As Peter tells it, Doug had already spent it all, and slid him an empty briefcase.) Doug explained that he’d been at a motel in the town of Sale. Peter hadn’t checked it because it was next to a police station.

The incident strained the already volatile relationship between the brothers, yet they continued their criminal partnership. Despite a mutual hatred, they were the last remaining members of the original gang of four, and neither could simply walk away.

The Gum Tree

Robbing Peter made Doug more confident than ever. In the spring of 1978, he told his brother that he intended to hit a bank. Peter asked for specifics, but Doug simply said that he had it all planned out.

In fact, all he’d done at that point was pick a target: the National Bank in Warburton, an old gold-mining town on the Yarra River, surrounded by the lush green mountains of the Great Dividing Range. Doug had banked there a few years earlier, and once when he looked over the teller’s shoulder, he saw heaps of cash in trays—far more than he’d seen when working in a bank as a teenager. “It told me this was a good bank to rob,” Doug said.

Five nights before the heist, Doug stole a small Honda motorbike from a local garage. On October 17, he rode around Warburton for four hours, scouting his getaway route. As the afternoon shadows lengthened, he found a hill overlooking the bank and sat there for 20 minutes, counting the customers going in and out of the building.

Doug stepped into the bank dressed in a long oilskin coat, his face covered by a black stocking and a balaclava. He vaulted over the counter, shouting, “You probably know who I am. I am the After Dark Bandit!”  He announced that he’d shot people before, then he emptied the cash from the tellers’s boxes and locked everyone in the bathroom. He warned them not to contact the police, claiming that he knew where they lived.

After the holdup, Doug raced on his motorbike into the hills above Warburton. With the heavy bag of stolen money strapped to his wrist, he accidentally popped a wheelie that sent him swerving toward an oncoming bus, which he narrowly avoided hitting. He then doubled back over some dirt tracks he’d made that morning, forcing his pursuers to guess which direction he’d gone. After returning to the paved road, he puttered along for a distance before stopping. He threw the bike over a wire fence, covered it with branches, and set off on foot into the bush.

When he felt that he’d gone far enough to shake any pursuers, Doug took a rest against an enormous gum tree. “It was like a romantic painting,” he said. He opened his bag and counted the stolen cash: nearly $39,000. While some thieves might have considered the impressive haul ample reason to keep pulling jobs, Doug felt differently. “It was enough money to start a new life,” he recalled. “I could leave Australia. Maybe move to New Zealand or America. I could buy two houses in cash, maybe set up a business.”

He thought about his brother—blowing money on racehorses, doing jobs just to prove he could, and walking around like a movie gangster with the Browning pistol from the Mirboo North robbery tucked into a homemade holster.  Doug didn’t want to be like his brother, because he didn’t like his brother. If Peter was going to continue to define himself by robbing banks, Doug would take the opposite tack. He pledged to never do another holdup.

In the distance he could hear the thrup-thrup-thrup of a police helicopter searching for him. He looked up at the canopy of the gum tree. Its long branches and flowing leaves provided perfect cover.

Later, when Peter discovered how much Doug had scored, their biggest haul to date, he scoffed. “Beginner’s luck,” he said.

On March 14, 1979, Peter put on his rubber mask and darted inside the same Heathcote CBC he robbed the previous July. “Hello,” he cheerily greeted the staff. “Remember me?” He tossed a bag on the counter and told the tellers to fill it up. Peter then placed his sawed-off shotgun on the counter and caught one of the tellers looking at it. “This is your chance,” Peter said, daring them to grab the weapon.

He forced the customers into the storeroom. A few noted that the bandit had grown a pot belly, causing his shirt buttons to pop. In a subsequent news article headlined “The after-dark bandit casts a broader shadow,” journalist Lindsay Murdoch wrote, “Police say the bandit’s big spending of TAB and bank money is starting to show.”

Peter announced that he needed a getaway car, and ledger keeper Jan Murphy handed him the keys to her orange Datsun. He drove Murphy’s car to a small building in the countryside, where earlier that day he’d stashed his motorbike—an unregistered, customized machine with a top speed of 100 mph. Zipping away on the bike, Peter was free.

Doug thought that his brother was insane to rob the same bank twice. “He was like a bomb just waiting to go off, and the trouble is, the bomb was going to destroy my life as well,” Doug said.

Peter didn’t take his brother’s retirement all that seriously, and felt validated when, a few months after the revelation under the gum tree, Doug agreed to do another bank job. The heist was planned for the idyllic farming town of Heyfield. Peter gave Doug his motorbike and guns, and dropped him off about 12 miles from the target. Doug, who later said that he’d felt pressured into the job, yanked a few wires on the bike to render it inoperable, then spent the day sitting by a lake. When Peter found out, he was furious—about the broken bike and because his brother had pulled out of yet another robbery.  

The twins had always fought, but their confrontations were becoming increasingly violent. Doug remembered Peter once holding his hair and kicking him in the face with his boot; another time, he said, Peter tried to run him down with a car. Doug also recalled punching Peter in the face and ramming his head through a plaster wall at a construction site. During one fierce fight, Doug begged Peter to give up the robberies. “You have to stop,” Doug said. “You’re going to get us killed.”

By then the twins had stolen close to $100,000, but for Peter it wasn’t enough. His goal was to become “the big guy in domestic horses in Victoria,” he told me. To do that, he needed a sizable nest egg. If Doug continued to dig in his heels and refuse to pull his weight, Peter figured that it would take six more jobs to get where he wanted to be.

The Church

For detectives Beever and Brear, each new robbery felt like a failure of their investigative work. But it also added to the pool of knowledge about the After Dark Bandit. They realized that he was becoming greedier, favoring banks over betting agencies, and also more daring and reckless. He was hitting targets during the day sometimes, and he’d robbed Heathcote CBC twice in eight months.

Beever and Brear’s working theory was that the bandit was a drug addict or gambler—someone “not very strong on investments,” in Brear’s words, who was spending the money he stole, then pulling another job when cash got low. The detectives recorded the dates of each robbery and the amounts taken. Using this information, they discerned what they thought was a pattern and tried to predict when he would strike again.

Beever thought that the next robbery would fall on April 27, and he sent a telex dispatch the day before, warning police in county stations to be on high alert. “Regarding the offender sought for numerous armed robberies on TAB agencies at banks in country areas, it is anticipated that this offender will commit a similar offence in the very near future,” Beever wrote. He urged police to monitor banks and TABs “in particular within half an hour either side of closing time,” to be “discreet in the surveillance,” and to stay off their radios. “It appears that this offender has monitored police broadcasts in the past,” Beever wrote.

Brear suspected that the target would be Heathcote CBC for a third time. He couldn’t say why—it was just “a hell of a strong gut feeling,” he told me. Sitting at Russell Street Police Headquarters, with nothing pressing on the day’s agenda, Brear suggested to Beever that they drive from Melbourne up to Heathcote, park near the CBC Bank, and watch for the thief. Beever doubted that the robber would hit Heathcote a third time, however, so the detectives stayed put.

Still, Brear was so convinced that Heathcote was the target that he called senior constable Ray Koch, one of two police officers in the small town. Brear urged him to keep an eye on the bank, and Koch reassured him that he was standing guard.

Around 4:40 p.m., 51-year-old Koch was cruising down Heathcote’s main street in his squad car when he decided to do another pass by the bank before it closed for the day. Koch gripped the steering wheel with his big hands. He was a strong, stocky man; his friends knew him as a gentle giant who enjoyed spending time with his wife and four kids. A pillar of the tight-knit community, he could often be found trap shooting, duck hunting, or drinking beer with friends.

Clad in his blue police jacket and trousers, Koch drove up to the brick bank, where he noticed a figure on a side street. It was Peter, who on an impulse had indeed chosen to hit Heathcote a third time, because he knew the bank inside and out. For the previous two hours, he had stood at the edge of a nearby football field, watching Koch’s police car pass the bank every 30 minutes. “Like clockwork,” he recalled. Come 4:30, Peter decided to strike, figuring he’d have half an hour to rob the bank before the cop returned. He didn’t expect Koch to come back early.

Peter had just put his mask on and was walking toward the bank when Koch pulled up. Upon hearing the car door open, Peter ducked behind a small tree, pulled off his mask, and shoved it in his jumper. He’d hoped to appear as a passerby. But then he changed his mind; instead of trying to blend in, he’d take action.

Peter drew the Browning .25 pistol, which he’d come to regard as his lucky gun. It was the same model his father had used in the Eltham bank shootout, and Peter always kept it cocked and loaded. Koch, now out of his vehicle and clearly facing the After Dark Bandit, made for the far side of his car for cover, but Peter came at him and grabbed him by the arm. Koch tried to seize the Browning, and as the men wrestled, Peter’s gun hand slid under Koch’s armpit and the weapon discharged. Koch was hit in the back of the hip. He dragged Peter to the ground as he fell. When the two men hit the pavement, there was another loud pop. Intense pain seared through Koch’s body. (Peter has always insisted that both shots were unintentional.)

As Koch bled under his jacket, Peter hoisted him to his feet, grabbed him by the elbow, and walked him toward the bank. Peter was about to don his mask and enter the building when he turned to Koch. “I should finish you right now, because you’re the only person that’s ever seen my face,” Peter said. “But I won’t.” Then he pulled the officer into the bank.

Peter ordered the bank staff, who knew his routine by now, to fill up his bag with cash and open the safe. Koch, meanwhile, sat in a chair by the door, moaning with pain. Peter wanted to get out of there fast, lest Koch’s colleagues show up. He also wanted Koch to pull through.

“When we finish this, you can ring for the ambulance,” Peter told a young bank teller.

“What’s the phone number?” the teller asked.

“You idiot!” yelled Peter, kicking the teller’s backside.

Once again Peter needed a getaway vehicle, and once again ledger keeper Jan Murphy offered the keys to her orange Datsun. Lugging $11,100 in stolen cash, he left through the rear of the bank and got in the car, which was parked in the same spot as the last time he stole it.

Peter drove the Datsun down a side street, then around the back of the football field and into Heathcote’s scrubby fairground, where he’d hidden a black Yamaha motorcycle. Because Doug had sabotaged Peter’s personal bike, he lifted this one from a garage the night before. Peter ditched the car and got on the bike just as a police car pulled into the fairground. Behind the wheel was Fred Hobley, the other half of Heathcote’s two-man police force, who minutes after Peter fled the bank got the call that Koch had been shot.

Peter maneuvered into a ditch and then up an embankment and onto the road, with the cop in pursuit. Hobley lifted his police radio. “I’m chasing the motorbike,” he reported. Hobley kept losing sight of Peter on a windy dirt road leading into the forest, but he could follow the dust stirred up by the bike’s tires.

Peter saw a vehicle up ahead also kicking up a cloud of dust. He turned onto a narrower track, then slowed down. Behind him the cop car sped past, following the other vehicle’s trail.  

Peter puttered along slowly, drained from the adrenaline rush. After a few miles, he reached a spot where earlier that day he’d cut some tree branches to cover the bike and also stashed a bag of supplies—two cans of Coke, some blocks of chocolate, and a portable transistor radio. He grabbed the sack and started into the bush.

Later that evening, Doug was visiting his 17-year-old mistress, Wendy Breen. He’d been smitten by Wendy after she came to ride horses at Peter’s farm. “She probably went for the older man that had nice things, being young and from a working-class family,” Doug said.  Now, while spending time at her home, he heard a news flash on the radio that a policeman had been shot. He knew right away that Peter was responsible, and that the two of them were in deep trouble.

Doug had played a minor part in the heist that day, dropping off Peter and his motorbike outside Heathcote in the predawn hours. Doug rationalized that this wasn’t as bad as holding up a bank—he was only driving. Still, he’d told Peter that this was the last time he would help. Now he drove to his brother’s farm, grabbed some guns from Peter’s shed, and loaded them into his car. He told me he’d planned to use them to fire warning shots if he encountered police.

As part of the heist, Doug was supposed to pick up Peter at 2 a.m. at a rendezvous point: a Catholic church outside the small farming town of Axedale. Fueled by adrenaline, Peter made it there early and sat on the steps of the old church, waiting for his brother. The night air was frigid, causing him to shiver. He thought about kicking down the door of the church to warm up inside but decided that wouldn’t be right. It was a church after all. He turned on his transistor radio and listened to the news about the shooting and the massive police manhunt. The whole world was going to come down on his shoulders, he thought.

Two a.m. came and went with no sign of Doug. Unbeknownst to Peter, his brother had decided to wait until morning to head to the church, hoping that the police presence would diminish with time. En route, Doug spotted a roadblock. He knew that if the cops searched his car, they’d discover the guns he’d concealed under a newspaper on the passenger seat, so he stopped at a convenience store and bought a Coke. Then he got back in his car and hung a U-turn. According to Doug, if either missed the rendezvous, their plan was to return 24 hours later.

By 10:15 a.m., Peter was fed up with waiting. Eager to make it home for his wedding anniversary celebration, he decided to hitch a ride on a nearby road. A woman driving with her daughter gave him a lift into the town of Bendigo. “Retrospectively,” he told me, “I should have went bush.” Peter walked into a Woolworths to buy a different suitcase to carry the cash from the bank job. On his way out, he thought he was probably in the clear. He was only ten minutes from Bendigo’s railway station, where he could finally make his way home. That’s when constable Rick Hasty spotted him, pinned him against the wall, and arrested him.

Peter was shoved into a police car with three burly cops. They drove him a couple hundred yards to the police station and escorted him inside.

Peter calmly asked for a white coffee with one and a half sugars. “He was a cocky smart-ass,” Hasty told me. “Don’t let him put it over you that he was sorry for [what he did].” Hasty added, “He should have been fucking shot between the eyes.” So many policemen crowded in to get a glimpse of the After Dark Bandit that Peter “couldn’t see the walls,” he told me. “All I could see was blue.”

Brear, who’d gone to Heathcote the night before after hearing about the shooting, now arrived at the Bendigo station. He and a couple of other cops took Peter into a room for questioning. The men slid a list of suspected robberies across the table and asked him which were his. To their surprise, Peter admitted to nearly every one, 23 in total. He also volunteered that his first robbery was in Mernda.

One of the stunned cops asked him the date of the crime. Peter said that it was Holy Thursday 1977.

Peter then described his robberies down to the exact amounts stolen and the weapons used. “He was very cooperative,” Brear told me. “He offered no resistance to us at all.” Peter was following in the footsteps of his father, who’d freely confessed to his crimes after the Eltham robbery. “If you ever do something wrong,” Kay had told his sons, “at least be a man and accept the punishment.”

Ten hours after Peter’s arrest, once the police had searched his home and discovered that he had a twin brother, detectives Beever and Brear sat Peter down for a second round of questioning. They said that they believed his twin had been involved in the heists, too. Given their recent feuding, Peter had no intention of covering for Doug.

Yes, he told the police, his brother was his partner in crime.

When Doug saw his name and face on TV, he realized that his brother had ratted him out. He figured that it was Peter’s revenge for stealing his car and money at the horse races. “I don’t think I really trusted people after that,” he told me.

Doug suspected that the cops would be watching his home, so he spent the next few days moving from motel to motel with Wendy. The police already knew his face, of course, and they had a description of Wendy, which was circulating in the newspapers: a petite blonde, “last seen wearing blue jeans and a navy jumper.” Doug needed a car the police couldn’t trace, so he put a deposit down on a Land Rover, the first model he remembered his father driving. His plan was to head deep into the bush with Wendy and lie low for a while.

But first he took Wendy to the beach in Frankston, a lively seaside suburb of Melbourne with a golden sandy shore. Doug was watching the surf when he saw police officers coming down the beach, pointing at him. He bolted but didn’t make it far. Within moments, he collided with a police car and the cops piled on top of him.

The Prison

Justice for the brothers was swift. Doug pled guilty to robbing 17 TABs and four banks; Peter admitted to the same crimes, plus the two TABs he’d hit alone. A jury acquitted Peter of intent to cause grievous bodily harm to Ray Koch but found him guilty of the lesser charge of using a firearm to resist arrest.

The judge sentenced the twins to 17 years, but on appeal the state argued that they deserved more jail time. They’d left countless victims in their wake. There were the bank tellers and the customers who’d been traumatized by the brothers’ crimes. There was also Rick Hasty, who for the next 15 years wouldn’t speak to anyone about his terrifying encounter with Peter. He drank to forget, costing him two marriages, and moved to a cul-de-sac in the countryside, where he still lives today, often venturing alone into the Outback. Then there was Koch, who survived his injuries, but not without consequence. Doctors were in such a hurry to save his life they didn’t have time to scan the 32 pints of blood—donated by friends and Heathcote locals—his surgery required. Many suspected it had been infected with hepatitis, which took Koch’s life 16 years later. “So Morgan actually did kill him,” Hasty told me.

As a result of the state’s appeal, Doug’s sentence was increased to more than 20 years, and Peter’s to nearly 22. “The longest sentence from a robbery in Victorian history,” Peter boasted to me. Doug served almost 11 years, and Peter 12, both at Pentridge Prison, known for its strict security measures and notorious inmates.

While behind bars, Peter and Doug’s wives divorced them, and the brothers faced violence from fellow inmates and guards. Doug told me that there were times he wanted to kill himself but found strength by pretending he was a tough-as-nails John Wayne character. He also developed a mantra: “Hang yourself on Thursday.” Meaning give it a few days—by then you’ll forget what was so depressing.

During our conversations, both Peter and Doug expressed remorse for their criminal acts, attributing them to youthful stupidity. “I have a chronic guilty conscience of what I did, on all levels,” Peter said. Doug posts videos of himself on Facebook that often delve into his feelings of regret. He records them the moment he wakes up, which he says is when his thoughts are clearest. Some are strikingly raw and poetic, such as his memory of standing on a hilltop before a robbery, watching a town’s “streetlights flicker on, the smoke escaping from the chimneys, the people keeping warm, innocently going about their business.”

He concludes: “I never forgot sitting there on that hill and how peaceful the town was. But I was not a bringer of peace. I was a bringer of grief.”

Today, Doug leads tours of the old prison where he did his stretch, which ceased operations in 1997. Parts of the facility have been remade into the ritzy Interlude hotel, where guests stay in converted-cell suites and take a dip in the softly lit subterranean swimming pool. Doug told me that tourists often ask questions about the time he served: “What was it like?” “How did you make it through?” Doug might say something glib in the moment, but then chew over his response for days until he falls upon something closer to the truth.

Peter despises that his brother is a tour guide, calling him a “show pony.” But Doug told me that he doesn’t do it for the fame or the money. He says that he enjoys meeting people and talking to them. Often, after a tour, he’ll go to a chic bar inside the old prison called the BrewDog, where he’s served free beer, and swap stories with the people from his tours—locals, foreign tourists, even a cop once.

Doug likes to present himself as a loner. He’s had girlfriends since prison, but he told me that he never lets them spend the night. He took up painting behind bars and likes to capture scenes of isolation: a red mug in the corner of a white room, Ned Kelly seated alone in darkness, a tumbledown shack on a barren plain. The bush features prominently in Doug’s artwork, and he romanticizes his time alone there, running from the law.

But there are signs that he craves real community. After his release from prison, he got interested in charity work and became a Salvation Army volunteer. He still takes on construction jobs, even at the age of 70, because he enjoys mentoring younger carpenters. And he posts video diaries online, reaching into the ether for connection.

Peter told me that his parents were never affectionate. He recalled one time sitting in the back seat of the car with his mother, grandmother, and brother. “I pretended to be asleep so I could lean against my grandmother and get cuddled,” Peter said. “I got that from my grandmother, not my mother.” Perhaps somewhere in that Rosebud-like memory lies the origin of the Morgan brothers’ intense rivalry: Maybe as boys, Doug and Peter had to compete for scarce attention, affirmation, and love from their parents. It’s a rivalry that has lasted their whole lives. It didn’t surprise me, then, to hear that Peter, too, had tried his hand at painting, and was endeavoring to get a charity startup off the ground.

Both men were hobbled by leg injuries sustained during their nighttime bush escapes, but apart from a matching limp, the twins are no longer identical. Doug wears his brown hair long and has a tangled beard; Peter is mostly bald, with a neat white mustache. Peter, who retired from construction, told me that Doug’s Facebook videos are ruining the quiet life he tried to create for himself. Doug frequently portrays Peter as an egomaniac trapped in his gangster past. He points to Peter’s use of “ADB” in his email address, short for After Dark Bandit. Peter told me that he chose ADB because “AfterDarkBandit” was already taken—by Doug.

Peter claims that Doug was just his “gopher” and “sidekick” during the robberies, and yet Doug, because of his charity work, painting, and prison tours, has spent more time in the limelight in recent years than Peter has. Peter is planning to write a memoir, titled The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth. Doug, of course, is considering a memoir of his own.

The final competition between the Morgan brothers is over their legacy, as each man seeks to prove who was the better thief and who became the better man. Their feud has reached its climax; neither brother knows where the other lives.

On a cloudy day in Melbourne in December 2023, Doug led his son, Michael, along with Michael’s wife and son, on a private tour through Pentridge’s B division, where the ground floor has been preserved. Doug walked his grandson into a small, dimly lit cell. “That’s your whole life,” Doug said. “You lived there all day. How would you like that for being a bank robber?”

Michael was shocked by the tour. “I never expected it to be so barbaric,” he told Doug. “From the outside, I don’t know what I expected. It just wasn’t this. These old, tiny, shitty cells.” It was the first time Michael had been past the visiting area. As a kid, he relished prison visits with his dad. “They take you down the path in the building, down to the garden, and these big old metal doors open,” Michael remembered. “It was always joyful, because in the garden I got to see my dad. He’d always have a Crunch bar for me.”

Doug, too, felt joy when his son visited, but a sense of melancholy, too. He told me about the time Michael pulled a tee out of his pocket, because his new stepdad was teaching him how to play golf. “I look at it and I go, ‘Well, if I was still a free man, he would be playing football, but now another man is raising my son,’ ” Doug said. “That’s when I realized a lot about the cost of crime.”

Michael is a successful salesman and marketing manager. I asked him if he’d ever thought about how he’d managed to break the cycle of crime that started with his grandfather. He said that he never really considered a life on the wrong side of the law. Sure, he’d felt a little rebellious toward the police as a kid, having witnessed them ransack his home searching for Doug—much like what Doug had experienced when law enforcement came looking for Kay. But Michael also experienced the consequences of crime, the visits to Pentridge where he could see his dad but never leave with him. “You have to live it,” he said, “[seeing] your parent in prison.”

Then Michael smirked. “It’s too hard these days anyway,” he added. He meant robbing banks.


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The Good Traitor

The Good Traitor

The Nazis feared journalist Carl von Ossietzky so much they sent him to a concentration camp. Could winning the Nobel Peace Prize save his life?

By Kate McQueen

The Atavist Magazine, No. 157


Kate McQueen is a writer, editor, and researcher who specializes in literary journalism. She is editorial director of the Pollen Initiative, a nonprofit that creates and supports media centers inside prisons. Her writing has appeared in Alta Journal, JSTOR Daily, Journalism History, and Literary Journalism Studies, among other publications.

Editor: Jonah Ogles
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Josie Le Blond
Illustrator: Gregori Saavedra

Published in November 2024.


ONE

The first time Carl von Ossietzky disappeared inside a prison, a crowd of supporters cheered him on. It was a sunny Tuesday in May 1932. Several friends had escorted the journalist across Berlin. They fastened black, red, and gold streamers to their cars and departed from the west-side offices of Die Weltbühne (The World Stage), the left-leaning magazine Ossietzky edited. As they paraded slowly toward Tegel Prison, in the north of the city, the colors of the German Republic fluttered around them in traffic.

In a wooded area outside the prison’s main gates, about 100 intellectual celebrities, sympathetic journalists, and general well-wishers had gathered in solidarity. The crowd violated Berlin’s ban on large group gatherings, enacted to quell violence between extremists on Germany’s left and right, but writer Kurt Grossman, the secretary of the German League of Human Rights, a pacifist organization of which Ossietzky was a member, persuaded the police to keep patrols away from the area for 90 minutes. Ossietzky could take his time bidding his audience farewell. “I’m not surrendering,” he said. In prison, he insisted, he would “remain a living demonstration against a judgment from the highest court.”

Fourteen months earlier, the 42-year-old editor had been charged with treason for publishing an article about the German Air Force’s rearmament efforts, which were in violation of the Treaty of Versailles. The treaty forbade Germany from accumulating war matériel or maintaining more than a small defense-oriented military. The facts of the rearmament were not widely known until Die Weltbühne’s story ran. In turn, the military accused both Ossietzky and the author of the article, Walter Kreiser, of betraying their country.

Die Weltbühne’s circulation was small but its readership influential; this included thought leaders in politics and culture both in Germany and beyond its borders. Anticipating international outcry, the German Foreign Office expressed doubts about prosecuting the two men, but the state attorney proceeded with a closed-door trial anyway. For two days, Ossietzky and Kreiser sat side by side in a vast empty gallery, listening to the echoes of lawyers’ competing voices. “Uncanny, such a theater without an audience,” Ossietzky later wrote. The men were ultimately convicted of a lesser charge—publishing military secrets—and sentenced to 18 months’ imprisonment. They were given until early May 1932 to hand themselves over to the authorities. Kreiser fled Germany to avoid doing time. Ossietzky made a point of staying.

Ossi, as his friends called him, was a small, quiet man with a high forehead, a long narrow nose, and knife-thin lips. His striking face made him easy to caricature, and newspapers often did just that. He tended to cast his eyes down at the floor during casual conversation, holding a lit cigarette between gently shaking fingers. His reserve, coupled with the “von” in his last name, which was traditionally a marker of noble lineage, caused strangers to mistake him for an aristocrat. But Ossietzky came from a working-class neighborhood in Hamburg. He barely finished secondary school, and then worked listlessly as a clerk in Hamburg’s judicial administration until 1914. His experience serving in the Great War cemented his commitment to peace and galvanized his interest in writing. He relocated to Berlin in 1919, where he became secretary for the German Peace Society and gained acclaim as a political commentator who argued against militarism and for democracy.

Journalists, he believed, ought “to hold a mirror up to the times” and be “the conscience of the day.” Week after week, Ossietzky turned out articles that vibrated with energy. His colleague Rudolf Arnheim once said that Ossietzky could interest even the most unpolitical readers in the country’s fate because his “thoughts [were] not brought forward with jargon but rather in a language in which one can describe flowers, music, and women.” Ossietzky’s articles were those of an advocate for a fledgling democracy stretched to the breaking point by increasingly radical political factions. He didn’t want the young republic to die on his watch.

After Ossietzky took over Die Weltbühne in 1927, he spent long hours working in shirtsleeves amid messy piles of papers at the magazine’s office. He was the kind of editor who preferred pencil stubs to red pens, who remembered to buy the printing crew beer and sausages. Under his leadership, Die Weltbühne published pieces from across the political left, a fact that exasperated contributors who wished he’d hew to a more radical line. The magazine became a necessary if solitary stage for those not strictly aligned with Germany’s leading workers’ parties. 

One frequent topic of discussion in its pages was Germany’s militarism, an original sin that had led the country into the Great War and paved the way for incipient fascism. This got the publication in trouble more than once with state authorities. Prior to Ossietzky’s 1931 trial, Die Weltbühne had already faced a lawsuit over its coverage of the Schwarze Reichswehr, a right-wing paramilitary group that carried out numerous vigilante killings in the early 1920s. The magazine’s articles pressured Germany’s Department of Justice to prosecute the murderers and embarrassed the military, which had denied the existence of underground armed groups even as it sanctioned their activities. Later, the military insisted that another charge be brought against Die Weltbühne, this time for publishing a commentary declaring that “soldiers are murderers.”

The terms of Ossietzky’s punishment for publishing military secrets jarred his friends and admirers. People convicted of high-profile political crimes in Germany were often given festungshaft (fortress confinement), a more comfortable form of imprisonment. Such was the case for Adolf Hitler following the 1923 Beer Hall Putsch; while incarcerated, he had permission to receive visitors, and it was during that period that he wrote Mein Kampf. Yet the court ordered Ossietzky to serve his time in a common prison alongside thieves and murderers. Justice, many on Germany’s left grumbled, was only blind in the right eye.

Ossietzky insisted that his sentence was in keeping with the principles of his profession. “They may condemn us, today, tomorrow, the day after, [and] we will accept it,” he once wrote. “But our pride will be in … becoming more energetic, sharper, denser and tougher. That’s why we are journalists.” His stance inspired fellow members of the press.

Though it had not been his goal, by overseeing coverage of Germany’s militarism and facing judgment for it, Ossietzky also became a symbol for the German peace movement—and for those opposed to fascism. “If you want to fight effectively against the corrupt spirit of a nation,” he told a Die Weltbühne contributor, “you must share its fate.”

The day Ossietzky reported for his sentence, he made a final promise: When his friends saw him again, he would be “released but not reformed.” Hat in hand, he waved to the crowd and allowed himself to be swallowed by the prison’s redbrick walls.

“If you want to fight effectively against the corrupt spirit of a nation,” Ossietzky told a Die Weltbühne contributor, “you must share its fate.”

His freshly painted cell with its stone floor reminded Ossietzky of a bathroom. The food the prison gave him was meager. He needed a doctor’s permission to smoke, and was limited to ten cigarettes per day. But the situation wasn’t too terrible, he told his wife, Maud. He could read and write, at least. Ossietzky penned countless letters to supporters and to Die Weltbühne’s contributors. He drafted articles, smuggled out of Tegel by one of his lawyers, that were published under the pseudonym Thomas Murner. And he wrote to Maud with dozens of small requests: books, soap, lanolin for shaving, shoelaces, handkerchiefs, underwear. Sometimes he asked for paper, other times for envelopes.

Maud, a tiny Anglo-Indian woman with enormous brown eyes, did not have a battle-axe sensibility. She passed on many of Ossietzky’s requests to the magazine’s gruff but efficient operations manager, Hedwig Hünicke, whom one staff member referred to, with equal parts love and fear, as the “corset rods” of the publication.

Die Weltbühne forged ahead thanks to Hünicke and Hellmut von Gerlach, Ossietzky’s close friend and a longtime colleague in the peace movement. Gerlach was in his sixties, with a graying goatee and a boyish sense of humor. His weekly editorials drew on his wealth of experience as a journalist, a former politician, and the current chair of the German League of Human Rights. Gerlach supervised the production of 42 issues of the magazine in Ossietzky’s absence, publishing work by a dozen well-known male contributors and a few women, who wrote under male pseudonyms. 

Gerlach’s decades-younger companion, Milly Zirker, was one of those women. The fashionable Zirker worked as an editor for the daily 8 Uhr Abendblatt and wrote political commentary for Die Weltbühne under the name Johannes Bückler. According to Gerlach, Zirker was as tough in person as she was with words; she is said to have saved his life once during an antiwar protest that turned violent. Hilde Walter was another no-nonsense Die Weltbühne contributor, who wrote articles on unions and women’s issues. Friends described Walter as assertive and opinionated, but not ambitious or vain; sometimes rude but always honest.

In addition to keeping its own doors open, Die Weltbühne assisted the German League of Human Rights and the German branch of the PEN Club with collecting 42,036 signatures in support of a reduction in Ossietzky’s sentence. The petition failed, but Ossietzky was released early anyway as part of a mass amnesty pushed through parliament by an unusual alliance of representatives from the Nazi, Communist, and Social Democratic Parties. Ossietzky walked out of Tegel on December 22, after seven months and 12 days behind bars. He would not be free for long.


The second time Ossietzky disappeared into state custody, it was under guard in the dark morning hours of February 28, 1933. Hitler had been appointed chancellor four weeks prior, though the Nazis had not yet achieved a parliamentary majority. Elections were scheduled for March 5. Representatives of the German League of Human Rights knew that Ossietzky was on the Nazis’ arrest list, prepared in anticipation of the moment when the party gained full control of the government. Robert M.W. Kempner, a Berlin public prosecutor who would later become the U.S. chief counsel at the Nuremberg Trials, was one of many people who urged Ossietzky to leave the country. Just a few more days, Ossietzky said. He would wait until the election was over.

On the evening of February 27, Ossietzky sat quietly with close friends and listened to a radio report about an arson attack on the Reichstag. Then he returned home to Maud. The couple tried to sleep but couldn’t. They got up in the middle of the night and drank coffee, as if expecting the knock that eventually came at 3:30 a.m.

As the Reichstag smoldered, Hitler’s government used the incident as a pretext for exerting unprecedented powers. It ordered law enforcement to round up critics. The police came for socialists, pacifists, clergy members, lawyers, professors, artists, journalists, and writers. Under the watchful eyes of two officers, Ossietzky pulled on his clothes and told a terrified Maud not to worry. “Head up! I’ll be back soon,” he said. Maud, shocked by the night’s events, told herself that nothing too terrible could happen; after all, her husband had done nothing wrong.

Ossietzky was taken to police headquarters at Alexanderplatz. The corridors were packed with people under so-called protective custody. Members of parliament and the Constitutional Court, newspaper editors and novelists, peace activists and academics—all stood shoulder to shoulder. “The entirety of cultural bolshevism,” Egon Erwin Kisch, a flashy socialist reporter from Prague with a chest famously covered in tattoos, later marveled. “Everyone knew each other, and every time the police dragged in another one, we all greeted him.”

The guards were not the usual civil servants with shiny-elbowed suits, but animated young men with swastikas emblazoned on their arm bands. They addressed the detainees insolently and punctuated their commands with insults. Scumbags! Dirty swine! Eventually, they marched the large group to a single cramped cell in the basement.

A day later, the detainees were shuttled to the city’s old military prisons, which had been repurposed by the newly formed Geheime Staatspolizei, better known as the Gestapo. The days dragged on. In letters to Maud, Ossietzky put up a brave front. “My dearest Maudie,” he wrote. “I’ve been brought under sensibly; the cell is large and airy, the guards are friendly—there is no reason to complain. You shouldn’t fear that I’m doing poorly. Gradually I’ve gotten used to any situation I find myself in.” He encouraged her to rely on Hünicke, who already had ample practice arranging Ossietzky’s affairs.

By March 11, a steady flow of men had surfaced from the cells—the well-connected, people deemed minor players by the Nazis, and holders of foreign passports. Among them was Kisch, who emerged to a reception area full of wives desperate for news. He was promptly deported.

Many other political prisoners, including Ossietzky, waited another three weeks to learn their fate. Finally they were placed in chains, loaded into transport vehicles, and driven to the train station. There they were squeezed into boxcars and carried east, to a concentration camp.

TWO

Within days of the Reichstag fire, Die Weltbühne’s ranks had thinned dramatically. The magazine was prohibited from publishing, and many of its contributors fled to neighboring countries as quickly as trains and private cars could carry them.

By mid-March, Hünicke and Walter were about the only friends of Ossietzky’s remaining in Berlin who were willing and able to help him. They knew that the Gestapo was watching them. The authorities searched the magazine’s office in the first week of March, combing through files and confiscating boxes of papers. Officers unsuccessfully hassled Hünicke to name the people behind the magazine’s writers’ many pseudonyms. The police also raided Walter’s unit in Die Künstlerkolonie (the Artist’s Colony), a massive Art Deco complex in the Wilmersdorf neighborhood that offered affordable housing to the mostly left-leaning members of Berlin’s writers’ and stage-workers’ guilds. Officers blocked off major streets to the complex, used fire-engine ladders to enter upper-floor apartments via the balconies, and proceeded to arrest known Communists and confiscate Marxist literature.      

Walter sensed that the Nazis were not taking her and Hünicke very seriously, at least not yet. They had not arrested her, despite the fact that she was Jewish, a liberal journalist, and a card-carrying member of the anti-fascist German Social Democratic Party. She and Hünicke, who was not Jewish, decided that they would use their relative freedom, however long it lasted, to aid Ossietzky and his family.

Maud, in particular, presented a problem. Her mental health was rapidly deteriorating. She drank heavily, and Walter suspected she had been hallucinating when she reported that police had searched her home. Hünicke and Walter decided to send her to a sanatorium in one of the city’s lake-filled suburbs. Then they arranged for Rosalinde, the Ossietzkys’ 12-year-old daughter, to leave for England. In order to draw less attention to the departure, Maud stood at the end of the platform and nodded to the crying girl as her train left the station.

Everything cost money: Maud’s care, Rosalinde’s schooling, packages of food, cigarettes, and newspapers that Ossietzky managed to request from prison. Hünicke extracted some cash from what was left of Die Weltbühne’s unseized funds, but it wasn’t enough. Hünicke and Walter wrote letters to the expatriated German left and to sympathizers in England and the U.S., soliciting money. They hoped it might keep the family afloat. Soon they would need it to save Ossietzky’s life.

Ossietzky was one of the roughly 40,000 opponents of the Nazi regime who were rounded up in Prussia, Germany’s largest and most populous state, in the first few months of 1933. To house so many new detainees, the Nazis requisitioned abandoned factories, underused schools, military barracks, crumbling castles, and aging detention facilities. The 100-year-old prison compound known as Sonnenburg had closed in 1931 because of dangerous sanitary conditions. But there were cellblocks available to be filled, and by the first week of April, transports from Berlin began to arrive. In short order, the prison was occupied by a thousand men, including Ossietzky.

Once the detainees had exited the trains, locals in the town where Sonnenburg was located watched as officers beat the men with truncheons and forced them to sing the German national anthem while marching to their confinement. Some of the cells were without chairs or beds, so the men squatted on the cold ground or leaned against damp, mildewed walls. What sleep they managed to get was on piles of rotting straw. Their water came from a well in a courtyard, and they relieved themselves in chamber pots. 

The Gestapo administered Sonnenburg, but the prison was guarded by divisions from the paramilitary Sturmabteilung (SA), whose members were known as brownshirts. The SA filled its ranks with fascism’s truest believers, men eager to take advantage of extrajudicial power. SA officers forced prisoners to sing Nazi songs and perform what was euphemistically called exercise. For hours each day, the men were required to lie on the ground, stand up, lie down and stand up, over and over again, until they were exhausted. Those who fainted or whose bodies gave out got a boot to the belly or a fist in the face.

Ossietzky deteriorated quickly in these conditions; he was often too weak to stand. He would lie without protest as drunken officers beat him and screamed, “You Polish pig, die already!”

Because the Nazis considered Ossietzky a traitor for Die Weltbühne’s revelations about Germany’s rearmament efforts, he was among those subjected to heightened cruelty. He was made to dig his own grave, on the pretext of being shot. He always seemed to be on latrine duty, forced to carry chamber pots at nose level across the prison yard. It took just six days at Sonnenburg for him to suffer his first heart attack.

Ossietzky’s few, sparse letters to Maud revealed nothing of this treatment—they had to pass through censors, after all—but press coverage of the camps was not encouraging to those worried about his fate. Journalists from the U.S. and England had taken a particular interest in the sudden disappearance of a large swath of the German left. Thanks largely to the testimony of released or escaped prisoners, word of the tortures at Sonnenburg trickled out: Detainees with lice were forced to pull out their pubic hair by the roots. Prisoners knelt while officers pricked their naked buttocks and sex organs with pins.

Reporters demanded to see the more famous political prisoners, wanting proof that they were alive. The braver corners of what remained of the free German press produced reports about Sonnenburg, regularly referencing Ossietzky’s detention. Among them was Die Neue Weltbühne, a version of Ossietzky’s magazine produced in exile, first from Vienna and then from Prague.

Critical coverage, no matter how minor, chafed at the Nazi government. But since Hitler’s regime was still eager to remain in the good graces of the democratic world, the government agreed to occasional press tours. One of the journalists who visited Sonnenburg in May 1933 was the Hearst Press Group correspondent Hubert Renfro Knickerbocker. A beanpole of a Texan with red hair, Knickerbocker had a talent for interviews, even with a subject as shifty as Joseph Goebbels, the Nazi’s minister of propaganda. Following a dinner conversation with Knickerbocker, in March 1932, Goebbels complained in his diary of feeling “squeezed dry like a lemon.” Still, Knickerbocker was extended an invitation to tour Sonnenburg, along with his bespectacled colleague, Louis P. Lochner, the Berlin bureau chief of the Associated Press.

The day of the visit, every cell door was thrown open. Prisoners were forced to sing work songs refashioned with fascist lyrics. Reporters were invited to ask any question of anyone, so long as it was under supervision. No one uttered a bad word about their captors.

Knickerbocker and Lochner had been on friendly terms with Ossietzky for years and sought him out. Questions about his treatment drew stiff, nonspecific responses. Then Knickerbocker broached the subject of books—what kind would Ossietzky request if it were possible for him to receive them? Lochner took note of a puckish smile that crossed Ossietzky’s face. “I think medieval history would be very apropos,” he dared to say.

Ossietzky would lie without protest as drunken officers beat him and screamed, “You Polish pig, die already!”

When the first opportunity for a family visit to Sonnenburg arose, in May 1933, Walter borrowed a car, drove Maud to the prison, and walked with Ossietzky’s wife to the visitors’ entrance. The young guard at the gate mistook the “von” in Maud’s last name as a sign that she was a member of Germany’s upper class, and assumed Walter was hired help. He allowed both women in. 

Once inside they watched Ossietzky approach across the wide, deserted prison yard. “Ossietzky could only move with great effort, with small, obviously painful steps,” Walter later wrote. “Both of his arms hung stiffly at his shoulders, as if his limbs were splinted, almost motionless … and his cervical vertebrae were tightly wrapped in a stiff gray soldier’s neckband, which prevented him from turning his head even a few centimeters to the right or left.” His body looked skeletal. Walter found his rigid expression during their short, near wordless encounter heartbreaking.

“How are you?” the women asked.

He answered in monotone, but with a meaningful pause: “Things are OK… for the moment.”

In his 1950 memoir, gestapo chief Rudolf Diels recalls hearing from Ossietzky’s friends and supporters about the conditions at Sonnenburg and feeling obliged to visit the prison himself. Contemporaries thought Diels was more of an opportunist than a fanatic. Prior to 1933, he had worked for the Prussian Ministry of the Interior and regularly socialized with left-leaning civil servants. He did not have the taste for cruelty that animated large swaths of his agency and the SA. And he did not brace himself for Sonnenburg. He later described it as a place from a demonic dream that made his blood run cold.

Upon entering the prison, Diels demanded to see Willi Kasper, a Prussian state representative for the German Communist Party who was being held there. Diels was escorted to a dungeon-like cell, where at the shout of “Attention!” men in tattered clothes slowly raised themselves to stand. Their swollen heads looked like pumpkins, Diels thought, and their faces were yellow, green, and blue. Welts and clotted blood speckled exposed skin. Kasper was unable to speak, his face contorted in tearless sobs. When Diels saw Ossietzky, the journalist dared to ask in a weak voice that someone rescue him from this hell.


In October 1933, Maud’s sanatorium closed after its Jewish owner was hounded into emigration. Maud was then packed off to distant relations in Hamburg. Walter’s apartment was searched again and again. In November, the Gestapo confiscated correspondence showing that she had been seeking funds on Ossietzky’s behalf. Walter didn’t need to be told to leave: She fled to Paris, leaving Hünicke as Ossietzky’s last close friend in enemy territory.

There were already more than 59,000 German refugees in France, including Gerlach and Zirker. Many in Paris gravitated to artist-friendly Montparnasse and neighborhoods along the Left Bank. Some found shelter in crumbling hotels. Others rented furnished apartments in shabby working-class buildings, sharing hallway bathrooms with masons and shop assistants. Many lived precariously, lightheaded with hunger, their shoes slowly falling to pieces.

Walter found a room at 59 Rue Froidevaux, across the street from the Montparnasse Cemetery. It was an easy walk to Rue Jean Dolent, where the German League of Human Rights kept a tiny office, occupied by Gerlach, Zirker, and a young law student turned volunteer named Konrad Reisner. Zirker served as Gerlach’s secretary while also playing a leading role with the Association of German Journalists in Exile.

From Paris, Gerlach, Zirker, Walter, and Reisner began their first attempts to rescue Ossietzky. They started with legal channels. In early 1934, they tried to hire Alfons Sack to represent Ossietzky and push for his release. Sack was a far-right lawyer who had effectively defended one of the men accused of plotting the Reichstag fire. He turned them down.

Ossietzky had well-connected supporters in London, including playwright Ernst Toller, peace activist Otto Lehmann-Russbüldt, and Ossietzky’s former lawyer, Rudolf Olden, and his wife, Ika. They all made attempts at backdoor political influence. With their help, Gerlach asked the Countess Fanny Wilamowitz-Moellendorff, sister-in-law of Hermann Göring, the second most powerful Nazi, to advocate for amnesty, but was told Hitler opposed the idea.

Lord Ponsoby, an English Labour member of Parliament with contacts in the German Embassy in London, funneled updates on Ossietzky’s health to his friends. Wickham Steed, the former editor of the London Times, published the first major public letter about Ossietzky in his old paper. “He is the symbol of a living protest against tyranny,” Steed wrote. “If it is too much to hope for his release, his claim to the sympathy of the civilized world ought not, I think, go entirely unheard.”

Nothing worked. The efforts at diplomatic and legal intervention went nowhere, as did the influence campaign. Ossietzky remained at Sonnenburg, deteriorating by the day. Fearing the worst, his friends decided to get creative.

THREE

The suggestion first appeared in the pages of the Pariser Tageblatt, produced by and for German exiles in France. On April 16, 1934, editor in chief Georg Bernhard made the case that Ossietzky should be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Days earlier, the Nobel committee had announced that there would be no winner for 1932. It had been a relatively common occurrence since 1914; in the chaotic years after World War I began, eight passed without a winner. But to skip another year without emphasizing the importance of peace, Bernhard ventured, would be a mistake. He urged the committee to look beyond the usual candidates: signatories of treaties, famous politicians, founders of influential organizations. If the prize was a metaphor for peace, who better to receive it than someone suffering for the cause—someone like Ossietzky?

Many of Ossietzky’s supporters quickly rallied behind the idea, hoping that the Nazis would be more likely to release Ossietzky if he won the prize. Gerlach followed Bernhard’s editorial with one of his own. “Before he became a journalist, he was general secretary of the German Peace Society,” Gerlach wrote of Ossietzky. “As a journalist, he championed the idea of ​​peace without wavering. As editor of the Weltbühne he led the fight against the armament of Germany in violation of the treaty.”

Some supporters took the suggestion as a direct call to action. One month after Bernhard’s editorial appeared, Ossietzky’s longtime friend Berthold Jacob sent a nomination letter to Oslo on behalf of the Strasbourg chapter of the German League of Human Rights. Kurt Grossman, who had once convinced the police to let Ossietzky say goodbye to his friends outside Tegel prison, did the same from exile in Prague.

Both men received polite letters of decline. The deadline for submitting nominations for 1934 had already passed. Besides, they learned, only a handful of people were allowed to nominate candidates: former Peace Prize recipients; members of the Nobel committee; members of international governing bodies, the international court in the Hague, or leading peace organizations; and professors of law, history, or philosophy. If Jacob and Grossman wished to secure a nomination for Ossietzky, they had until the prize’s next deadline, the following January, to find a qualified person to submit one.

The rejections provided something of a road map for action by Ossietzky’s friends. “We wanted to save this courageous and in every way excellent man, if possible, from death,” Konrad Reisner wrote years later. Of course, there was no guarantee that a nomination or even being awarded the prize would get Ossietzky out of prison. Still, it might send a message. “It was an incredible chance to deliver a resounding slap in the face to the hated, accursed criminals who had taken possession of our country,” Reisner wrote.

Not everyone in Ossietzky’s network was convinced that embarking on a Nobel campaign would be worth it. Among the skeptics was Walter. She worried that, because Ossietzky wasn’t as well-known as past recipients, it would take considerable work to raise his profile and get the right people in his corner. She also feared that his candidacy could backfire: Too much chatter from the German left in exile could infuriate the Nazis, who might punish Ossietzky for it. And if the Nazis found out that Ossietzky’s friends were behind the effort, they could easily discredit the campaign as a public relations stunt.

Walter agreed to set aside her misgivings under one key condition: Support for Ossietzky’s candidacy could not appear orchestrated by people who knew him. It needed to seem organic and independent, embraced by the public and by official nominators, ideally in countries likely to hold some influence with the Nazis. Only then, Walter believed, could Ossietzky’s supporters hope to exert moral pressure on Hitler’s government, possibly leading to their friend’s release from custody.

The next deadline was just eight months away—there was no time to waste. Walter and Gerlach reached out to their networks in the U.S., which included two Princeton professors, Albert Einstein and Otto Nathan. Einstein, the 1921 Nobel Prize winner in physics, had been a leading member of the League of Human Rights in his Berlin days, and while not himself eligible to nominate Ossietzky, he had enviable professional connections. Nathan, an economist, was similarly well-positioned and was able to provide an essential lift: the financial support to employ a full-time organizer of the behind-the-scenes work by Ossietzky’s inner circle.

This informal group of a few dozen supporters, scattered across Europe and the U.S., would come to call themselves Freundeskreis Ossietzkys, or Ossietzky’s Circle of Friends. It included Gerlach, Zirker, and Reisner in Paris, Grossman in Prague, and Hünicke in Berlin. From London, Toller, Lehmann-Russbüldt, and the Oldens played pivotal roles. The paid organizer was Hilde Walter.

If the prize was a metaphor for peace, who better to receive it than someone suffering for the cause—someone like Ossietzky?

By the time the Circle of Friends began to coordinate its efforts, Sonnenburg had closed as a prison, and its detainees were transferred to labor camps newly designed by the Nazis. In February 1934, Ossietzky and hundreds of others arrived at Esterwegen. The camp was one among a constellation of detention sites in Germany’s Emsland region, sunk into the moors 19 miles from the Dutch border. The prisoners’ burden was to support a massive 120,000-acre wetland reclamation project.

Esterwegen housed up to 1,000 prisoners in wooden barracks organized in two orderly rows, with a street running down the center. The SS called it Hitler Alley; prisoners knew it as the Alley of Sighs. Every morning, officers marched the prisoners through the alley and into the humid, waterlogged fields, where they were forced to dig, using only picks and spades, a minimum of 13 cubic yards daily. Men who failed to meet the daily quota risked violent punishment. (The prisoners became known, among themselves and later in popular culture, as the moorsoldaten, or “peat bog soldiers.” Their field songs would soon rally the Republicans of the Spanish Civil War and symbolize resistance to fascism across Europe.)

Already weakened from the abuse at Sonnenburg, Ossietzky relied on the help of fellow prisoners. They called him Carlchen, their “little Carl.” Out on the moors, they would place him in the middle of a row so the men alongside him could help him dig his quota. Tougher prisoners acted as human shields, placing themselves between Ossietzky and a beating. A former taxi-company operator and boxer from Berlin named Georg Schmidt sometimes followed Ossietzky around like a bodyguard, watching over him during even the briefest cigarette breaks.

Still, Ossietzky’s fragile body often gave out, and he spent weeks at a time in the sick bay. Nazi records did not reflect his declining condition. Reporting to the German Foreign Office just days before Ossietzky’s transfer to Esterwegen in February 1934, Gestapo representatives noted that his “health, according to the camp doctor’s professional opinion, has by no means worsened during his imprisonment, but rather improved.” Seven months later, Esterwegen’s doctor made a similar report: “Current illnesses: none, feels fine. Up until now had no complaints…. Healthy and capable of working. Has not suffered any accidents here.”

Ossietzky was often placed on what was known as household duty. He swept and dusted the barracks. He peeled potatoes in the kitchen. When no guards were around, he read aloud from newspapers until someone whispered, “Achtzehn!” The German word for the number 18 sounded very much like achtung (danger). Achtzehn was the code word for approaching guards. 

Fellow prisoners liked to hear Ossietzky talk. Many hailed from the working classes and participated in labor movements, and Ossietzky’s eloquence on political matters was a special treat. “It was always an experience for us to listen to him, discuss things with him, ask him questions and sometimes hear what he had to say in response to our objections,” prisoner Hubert Serwe later said. “He gave more than he could receive from us.

Ossietzky sometimes joined Theodor Haubach and Wilhelm Lueschner, former representatives in the Reichstag, in discussing literature. They talked animatedly, until they heard the soft call—

Achtzehn!

Sometimes the men would pretend that they were on Berlin’s Kurfürstendamm, their old stomping grounds. They’d meet at Kempinski’s, maybe, order the roast beef, and continue their discussions over a nightcap under the vault-like ceilings of the Romanisches Café—

Achtzehn!

Even in the sick bay, surrounded by emaciated leaders of Germany’s Workers Party, Ossietzky was tempted to make dark jokes: “Now that just about everyone is gathered here, we could form a provisional government”—

Achtzehn!

By all accounts, Ossietzky never talked about his experience at the camp, in letters or with other prisoners. He preferred to discuss the news, politics. When a topic interested him, prisoner Alfred Bender remembered, “Despite his tattered health, everything in him became lively.” Bender sometimes thought it would be wiser to try out some frivolous, less strenuous chatter. No luck. It was impossible, Bender admitted, to have a pedestrian conversation with Ossietzky.


From mid-1934 to early 1935, the campaign for Ossietzky’s Nobel candidacy gained steam. The flow of letters was constant—hundreds of messages written by or to the Circle of Friends, delivered from or sent to France, England, the U.S., Norway, Sweden, Switzerland, and Czechoslovakia. Letters of introduction. Letters of request. Letters of instruction. Letters that in some places could be confiscated from homes, be intercepted in the post, or fall into the wrong hands, alerting the Nazis to what the Circle of Friends was up to and endangering Ossietzky’s life.

As coordinator of the campaign, Walter was a direct but careful communicator. She did what she could to maintain secrecy and urged others to do the same. Her letters were laced with warnings that increased in urgency as time went on: “Confidential.” “Extremely confidential!” “Interesting for us internally but under no circumstances for publicity.” “Confidential! Read alone!! Don’t show anyone!!!” Walter knew that the key to success was keeping the Circle of Friends’ involvement in making Ossietzky a Nobel candidate hidden from the Nazis.

The Circle of Friends and its closest advisers drummed up several nominations before the submission deadline. Einstein, Nathan, and Oswald Garrison Villard, the former editor of The Nation, helped recruit Jane Addams to the cause. The 1931 Nobel Peace Prize laureate, Addams had founded the Women’s International League for Peace and Freedom and was one of ten cofounders of the American Civil Liberties Union. She was joined in nominating Ossietzky by Harold Laski, a professor at the London School of Economics; Helene Stöcker, a German feminist and activist who was on the council of the International Peace Bureau; and Ludwig Quidde, the aged former German Peace Society president and 1927 Nobel Peace Prize laureate. Quidde provided his support reluctantly. Like Walter had been, he was concerned that Ossietzky was too much of a long shot to win the prize, and that nominating him could threaten his safety.

Another nomination came from V. Emil Scherer, a member of the Swiss parliament. “No other advocate for the idea of ​​peace has had to suffer as much,” he wrote. It would be nice, he added, “if the Nobel Prize were awarded not to a famous Prime Minister or Foreign Minister,” but instead to someone who distinguished himself “through loyalty and fearless work in a dangerous position.”

With several nominations secured, Walter turned her attention to increasing Ossietzky’s profile around the world, and particularly in England. The country still clung to appeasement as a viable approach to the Nazi regime, and Ossietzky’s supporters hoped that English nominations might be viewed as less politically motivated. Ossietzky, who by now had been informed of the campaign, seemed to think that this was the right strategy, too. “On the whole, he expressed the wish that everything that happens should, if possible, only happen from England,” Walter wrote, “and that publications should not be in our press, but in the bourgeois world press.”

For help, Walter turned to English journalist Amabel Williams-Ellis, who wrote a pamphlet entitled “What Was His Crime? The Case of Carl von Ossietzky.” It was distributed to influential readers and gained support from some of the most illustrious members of the English intelligentsia, including Aldous Huxley, Bertrand Russell, and Virginia Woolf.

The Circle of Friends faced setbacks. In August 1935, Gerlach died suddenly. And even the most energetic of Ossietzky’s supporters worried that the nomination would not gain traction. Willy Brandt was then a 21-year-old Socialist Workers Party organizer sheltering in Norway. Brandt hustled in Oslo to stoke interest in Ossietzky’s candidacy among journalists and members of the Norwegian parliament. By the end of September, though, he worried in a letter that too many people thought “O. is not well-known enough.”

In October 1935, Swiss diplomat Carl Jacob Burkhardt managed to enter Esterwegen on behalf of the International Red Cross. During his visit, Burkhardt asked to see Ossietzky. At first the camp commander refused, relenting only with extreme reluctance. The reason became apparent when a pair of guards emerged from the barracks carrying a small, frail man. Burkhardt stood face to face with a trembling, deathly pale Ossietzky and took heartbroken inventory: “One eye swollen, teeth apparently smashed in, dragging a broken, poorly healed leg.”

Burkhardt told Ossietzky that he had come as a representative of the Red Cross, but that he also brought greetings from Ossietzky’s friends. “I’m here, in as much as it is possible, to help you,” he said.

At first, Ossietzky said nothing as his eyes filled with tears. When he spoke, he lisped through sobs. “Thank you, tell my friends I’m at the end,” he said. “It’ll be over soon, almost finished. That’s good.” After a moment’s pause, very softly, he added, “Thank you.”

Burkhardt remained to see the five o’clock return of imprisoned workers from the moors. There were about 30 men in all, “a group full of Ossietzkys, cripples emerging from the darkness, under the light of the arching lamps.”

Burkhardt sent reports about his visit to the Nazi government. He arranged for one to be delivered to Hitler directly. There would be no plausible deniability about camp abuses on Burkhardt’s watch.

Walter also heard from numerous prisoners released from Esterwegen, who had found their way to Berlin, Prague, or Paris. She was told that the Circle of Friends’ efforts sometimes made things worse for Ossietzky. “He is said to have said to his wife: ‘The articles abroad have done me great harm,’ ” Walter wrote. “But later he was said to have thought that it might actually be a good thing after all.”

In a letter to Ika Olden, Walter reasoned that “Ossietzky would not be alive today if the international world had not shown an interest in him.” At that same time, she feared that the Nazi apparatus would let him die if the attention fell away. The day the Nobel committee made its decision, she wrote, could be “a death sentence for Ossietzky, if not enough care is taken.”

FOUR

On November 19, 1935, the Nobel committee announced that it would not award a Peace Prize that year. Whatever fears they had, Walter and Ossietzky’s other supporters decided that they had no choice but to double down in the hope of keeping Ossietzky alive. Walter quickly placed an announcement in Le Temps and Le Populaire, France’s biggest dailies, declaring that Ossietzky would be nominated for the prize again, with support from “a large number of important people in Europe and America.” The next Nobel deadline was about two months away, in January 1936.

In Paris, Ossietzky’s supporters published a star-studded appeal designed to attract attention. The 22-page document included a biographical sketch of Ossietzky’s life and a list of Esterwegen’s abhorrent conditions. Heinrich Mann, the German novelist—elder brother of Thomas—provided a foreword. So did journalist and historian Konrad Heiden, one of the first chroniclers of the Nazi era. An appendix shared letters of support from, among others, Einstein, Wickham Steed, and Romain Roland, the beloved French writer and winner of the 1915 Nobel Prize in Literature. Hundreds of copies were sent to professors and members of parliament in nine countries.

Soon, nominations began inundating the Nobel committee. One came from 63 members of France’s Parliament, who cosigned a statement saying, “For millions of people around the world, Ossiesky [sic] is a living symbol of the intrepid struggle for peace.” Leo Polack, a professor of philosophy from the University of Groningen in the Netherlands, wrote, “Carl von Ossietzky dedicated his life to international pacifism in the spirit of the prize, even to the point of martyrdom.”

Serendipitous timing may have boosted the campaign’s efforts. The world’s eyes were trained with particular intensity on Germany in 1936, as it hosted both the winter and summer Olympics. The Nazis had hoped to make the events a showcase for their “new” Germany, but as the international press descended for the Winter Games in February, journalists noted the overbearing presence of soldiers and the signs barring Jews from entering villages—worrying indicators to the international community that all was not well in Germany.

Meanwhile, Ossietzky’s health had worsened. Karl Wloch, a journalist for the communist newspaper Die Rote Fahne who was interned at Esterwegen in 1936, was “shocked to his core” the first time he met Ossietzky. “What I saw living on that sack of hay were just his eyes; he hardly moved his mouth when he asked me short questions,” Wloch later said. “I had to listen carefully in order to understand him.” Ossietzky asked for the latest news from Berlin and listened closely as Wloch reported what he knew. “He wasn’t at all world-weary,” Wloch recalled, “although he knew how difficult it would be to come out of the grasp of the SS executioners alive.”

Their conversation turned to cases of suicide in the camps. “Whether we survive is neither certain nor the main point,” Ossietzky insisted. “But how people think about us later is as important as that they think about us. In that, our future lies. Thus, we have to keep living here as long as we breathe. A Germany that thinks of us will be a better Germany.”

Sixty-three members of France’s Parliament cosigned a statement saying, “For millions of people around the world, Ossiesky [sic] is a living symbol of the intrepid struggle for peace.”

As Ossietzky’s candidacy for the Nobel Peace Prize received more coverage in the international press, the Nazis began to worry that he might actually win. Goebbels himself took to the radio on March 12, 1936, to rage at the prospect. “Treason was once a socially acceptable thing, even a fashionable thing,” he yelled. “And there are still people today who apply for prizes for traitors. However, we only saw a traitor as a criminal. Therefore: Off with his head!”

A few weeks after Goebbels’s speech, the Dutch press reported that Ossietzky was close to death, based on testimony from a prisoner in Esterwegen. The New York Times reprinted the news. The same month, a concentration camp inspector, Theodor Eicke, toured Esterwegen. His internal memo about the visit stated that SS chief Heinrich Himmler’s office should be aware of the possibility of Ossietzky’s imminent demise. It further suggested that Ossietzky receive medical attention at the camp, and that it be documented to counter the inevitable outcry his death would elicit.

Instead, on May 28, the Nazis transferred Ossietzky from Esterwegen to the prisoner’s wing of the Berlin Police State Hospital. The hospital’s supervising physician diagnosed him with an advanced case of tuberculosis. Bacteria had carved deep necrotic caves into the upper lobe of his left lung. In a report to the Red Cross, the Gestapo downplayed his illness as tonsillitis. The Nazis also arranged for Ossietzky to sit for an interview with a regime-friendly Danish journalist, Hans-Wolff Juergensen, in the hospital’s prison ward. Juergensen wrote that Ossietzky was completely changed and on his way to embracing National Socialism.

Then, just a few weeks before the Nobel committee was set to announce its decision for the 1936 award, Maud learned that the Gestapo planned to release her husband, provisionally. Walter suspected that the decision was about optics, that the regime preferred the prize to go “to a free [Ossietzky] rather than to the prisoner.”

On November 7, Maud and Hünicke met Ossietzky at the Gestapo headquarters on Prinz-Albrecht-Strasse. They held their breath as the last bits of paperwork were completed, then hastily exited the doors and emerged into the loud city center. Maud paused just long enough to notice the look of uncertainty on Ossietzky’s pale face. He had been imprisoned for three years and seven months—how could he trust a freedom that came so slowly, then all at once?

Attempts by the Nazis to ensure that Ossietzky didn’t win the Peace Prize weren’t over. Göring himself summoned Ossietzky to his office and tried to persuade him to withdraw himself from consideration. Ossietzky made no concessions. The German ambassador to Norway, Heinrich Sahm, warned his host country that an award for Ossietzky would be considered a hostile act, and that Germany would respond accordingly. There was only so much the Norwegian parliament could do, though; it had the power to select the Nobel committee, but the committee did not consult the government about its decisions. In order to avoid the appearance of a conflict of interest, the two committee members who were also politicians—foreign minister Halvan Koht and Johan Mowinckel, former prime minister and leader of the Liberal Party—stepped away from their award responsibilities.

By the time the Nobel committee was expected to make its decision, nearly 1,000 nominators had submitted their support for Ossietzky. They included six previous Peace Prize recipients, 69 members of the Norwegian parliament, and 59 members of Swedish parliament, who chose to support his candidacy over that of their own prince’s. Ossietzky’s nomination count remains the highest in the award’s history.

On November 23, the committee made its announcement. The 1936 Nobel Peace Prize went to Carlos Saavedra Lamas, the foreign minister of Argentina, for his leadership in brokering the 1933 Argentine Antiwar Pact, which would prove a vital stabilizing force in South America for years to come. The committee also retroactively bestowed the 1935 prize to Carl von Ossietzky.

The exiled German press in Paris exploded in celebration. The news made the front page of the Pariser Tageszeitung, the successor to the Tageblatt. An editorial in Das Neue Tage-Buch called the decision “an exceptional case of moral courage” in a world that sadly lacked it. The international press offered a more blunt interpretation: Ossietzky’s prize was a “slap in the face of fascism,” according to The New York Times.

The German press, now thoroughly beholden to the Nazis, agreed that the decision was an affront to the country’s leadership. “The bestowal of the Nobel Prize on a notorious traitor to the nation is such a brazen provocation and insult of the new Germany, it will be met with an appropriate response,” the German News Agency said in a brief statement. Editors of the Völkischer Beobachter, another official organ of the Nazi Party, didn’t issue a response for three days. When it finally did, it called the Nobel committee’s decision ridiculous. “One could laugh themselves to death” over it, the editors said.

Three days after the announcement, Goebbels complained in his diary, “Yesterday: huge response in the press because of the Nobel Prize to Ossietzky. He’ll be stripped of citizenship and no more Germans will take the Nobel Prize.” Instead, Hitler announced the country’s own awards program, the German National Order of Art and Science. It ran for two years and honored seven Nazi luminaries, including Alfred Rosenberg, the primary theorist of the party’s racist ideology (later hanged at Nuremberg), and SS officer Ferdinand Porsche, whom Hitler had commissioned to engineer a car for the German people, better known as the Volkswagen.

The Circle of Friends acknowledged one another quietly. Securing the prize for Ossietzky had taken the efforts of everyone in the group, but no one had done as much as Walter. “You should be proud,” Konrad Heiden wrote to her. “As far as I can see, it was you in the first place. Surely others also did their good part. But if the recognition of a political possibility, concentration on the one goal, complete commitment of the person and tenacity until the last breath turn a political idea into an action, then you have undoubtedly brought this action into being.”

FIVE

The Nobel Peace Prize ceremony took place in Oslo on December 10, 1936. Ossietzky did not attend, nor did Maud; the Nazis withheld the necessary travel visas. Also absent were the Norwegian king and the crown prince. The same was true of ambassadors from England, Italy, and Denmark, whose governments had ordered them to stay home. An ensemble played the Norwegian anthem but not the German one.

Frederik Stang, a professor of law at the University of Oslo and a former minister of justice, stood before the thin crowd and read a short speech about Ossietzky on behalf of the Nobel committee. Stang opened by emphasizing that Ossietzky did not belong to any political party, and in fact no political tag could easily be pinned on him. If anything, he said, Ossietzky was a “liberal of the old school,” with “a burning love for freedom of thought and expression; a firm belief in free competition in all spiritual fields; a broad international outlook; a respect for values created by other nations—and all of these dominated by the theme of peace.”

He conceded that the laureate was mainly known for his work as a journalist, but disputed the notion that Ossietzky was less deserving of the award because he had become “a symbol of the struggle for peace rather than its champion.”

“In religion, in politics, in public affairs, in peace and war, we rally round symbols. We understand the power they hold over us,” Stang said. “But Ossietzky is not just a symbol. He is something quite different and something much more. He is a deed; and he is a man…. It is on these grounds that Ossietzky has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and on these grounds alone.”

Walter made the journey to Oslo, as a messenger rather than an honored guest. She hoped to persuade the Nobel foundation’s treasurer to postpone sending Ossietzky’s monetary award—163,849 Norwegian kroner, or close to $900,000 today—to Germany. Walter was not alone in fearing that the prize money would fall into the wrong hands. (Ultimately it did: The lawyer Maud hired to oversee the transfer pocketed it and was later convicted of embezzlement.)

Oslo was dark and cold. A hotel strike sent Walter looking for shelter at the home of a local journalist, where she squeezed herself nightly into a child’s bed. Her letters to Zirker in Paris conveyed exhaustion. “The physical hindrances caused by lack of sleep, lack of space, warmth and comfort are terrible for me,” Walter wrote in a moment of unusual vulnerability. “Hands and other places are chapped and sore from the cold.” Other passages in her letters were perhaps intentionally vague. “A lot of other things … wouldn’t be so bad if the fear about the end didn’t come,” she wrote. “I think I can say with a clear conscience that it couldn’t have been done better. But that doesn’t say anything about the final success.”

Walter did not specify what that success would look like, but she may well have meant a plan to get the Ossietzkys safely out of Germany. Officially, Ossietzky wasn’t a prisoner any longer, but Gestapo documents show that the Nazis had no intention of letting him leave the country. Whatever Walter hoped, Ossietzky’s illness was too advanced for him to travel anyway. In February 1937, two months after the Nobel committee had toasted his win, Maud moved into her husband’s hospital room. They stayed there together for 15 months, under strict supervision of the Gestapo.

During that time, Ossietzky wrote letters to his daughter, now living in Sweden. “Our life here is completely uneventful; we don’t have much to report,” Ossietzky wrote. “We think about you a lot; you are our major topic of discussion. I would like to know so much about you! Write us again, it is so nice to get letters from you. I kiss you, your Father.” He read English detective novels, including The Wisdom of Father Brown and Mystery in the Channel. He watched over a little yellow parakeet, a gift from his nurse, which sat in a cage on his bedside table.

Ossietzky died on May 4, 1938, at age 48. “The death of Carl von Ossietzky is a sad loss for the Germany in which I believe,” Ernst Toller wrote in a letter to a friend. “I have known this man since many years. He was one of the few who lived conformed to his ideas.”

Maud planned to engrave pax aeterna on her husband’s headstone, but the Gestapo refused to place any marker on his burial plot in the Berlin-Niederschönhausen cemetery. They wanted an anonymous resting place for the traitor who had become a martyr. No pilgrims would grace Ossietzky’s gravesite on their watch, and no eternal peace would dawn on their horizon.

Germany invaded Poland on September 1, 1939. France and Great Britain declared war two days later. Most of Ossietzky’s friends in European exile scrambled to find a new sanctuary. A way out opened for the Oldens when the New School for Social Research in New York City offered Rudolf a teaching position. On September 13, 1940, the couple joined 406 passengers and crew—including 90 children—on the SS City of Benares. A German submarine torpedoed the ship, sinking it 600 miles from land. More than half of those on board drowned, including the Oldens.

The Paris team needed rescuing. Ossietzky’s friends survived for several weeks in a French internment camp before catching the attention of the Emergency Rescue Committee and the American Friends Service Committee, American relief groups dedicated to relocating anti-fascist refugees. Late in the summer of 1940, organizers arranged U.S. visas and passage on the SS Nea Helles for Walter, Zirker, and Reisner, accompanied by his wife and 16-day-old baby. The ship was departing from the Port of Lisbon, so Ossietzky’s friends had to escape France on foot, walking into Spain across the Pyrenees. Berthold Jacob also attempted to escape but only made it as far as Lisbon, where he was kidnapped by SS operatives and dragged back to Berlin. Kurt Grossman had a less harrowing journey; he settled in New York City and spent the war advocating for refugees with the World Jewish Congress.

Hedwig Hünicke never left Berlin. She struggled to make ends meet by working for small publishing houses. She kept watch over the elderly parents of exiled Jewish colleagues until they were moved to the death camps. After her family home was destroyed in the war, she lived in a cold, damp room in an apartment near Nollendorfplatz, and worked in the circulation department at the Tagesspiegel. She stayed there until her retirement in 1958.

Walter returned in 1952 to a city decimated. With so many familiar buildings gone, homecomers had to rely on street signs, like tourists, even in the neighborhoods of their youth. Once Walter had settled back in the formerly fashionable west end, she again contributed articles to the German press and worked on book projects. Sometimes she’d meet her childhood friend, the once famous trial reporter Gabriele Tergit, at Café Reimann, an old haunt still standing on the Kurfürstendamm. Their talk often turned to Ossietzky. Walter clipped any and all postwar coverage she could find about the man, filling her apartment with binders full of articles. Many she had written herself.

At some point, Walter contemplated publishing a lengthier account of Ossietzky’s story. Among her papers at the Munich Institute for Contemporary History, sandwiched between newspaper clippings and letters typed on tissue-like paper, is an undated book proposal. The 30-page document contains a tidy outline and descriptions for 14 chapters. The project’s title, Der Preis für einen Friedenspreis (The Price of a Peace Prize), suggests a behind-the-scenes account of the Nobel campaign. But what Walter plotted instead was a rather anemic biography of its subject.

As for the Circle of Friends, the proposal contains only one oblique reference to a “narrowly limited group of people based in Paris.” Her papers do not contain any correspondence with publishers, making it impossible to know whether she submitted the book idea for consideration.

Ossietzky was a legend. His name adorned street signs, libraries, and schools across Germany.

What was the price for the Nobel Prize? When she chose her title, Walter may have had Ossietzky’s suffering in mind. Arguably, too, Walter accepted a personal cost—that all she had done for Ossietzky would go largely unknown, in order to preserve the idea that he had received the Peace Prize as a result of a groundswell of international support rather than a hard-fought political campaign.

Prior to Walter’s death in 1976, no one had disclosed the full activities of the Circle of Friends, not even Grossmann, whose 1963 biography of Ossietzky told all manner of stories in its nearly 600 pages. It wasn’t until some 50 years after Ossietzky’s death that a complete picture of his supporters’ quest emerged. In 1988, the University of Hamburg organized an exhibit about the Circle of Friends and published a corresponding book. The University of London published a collection of letters from the Oldens’ papers in 1990, further illuminating the group’s efforts. 

By then Ossietzky was a legend. His name adorned street signs, libraries, and schools across Germany; his statue stood in parks. He had become a physical part of the postwar landscape, the one that elected his supporter Willy Brandt, first as mayor of Berlin, and later as chancellor of the republic.

Brandt did not let Walter go entirely uncelebrated. On her 70th birthday in 1965, just over a decade prior to her death, he presented her with Germany’s Federal Cross of Merit. Unlike the Nobel, this prize, which honors service to the public good, is not a mighty weapon of influence. Since 1951, the German government has handed out more than 262,000 of the small red, black, and gold crosses. The number is so high, in fact, that the Office of the Federal President does not keep a comprehensive list of recipients, nor does it document exactly what each award is meant to praise.

Of this kind of muted recognition, Walter surely approved.


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The Crash of the Hammer

The Crash of the Hammer

How concerned citizens ran a neo-Nazi out of rural Maine.

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The Atavist Magazine, No. 154


Kelsey Rexroat is a San Francisco–based editor and writer. Her fiction and nonfiction has appeared in The New Yorker, The Atlantic, LitHub, The Hairpin, and McSweeneys Internet Tendency.

Editor: Jonah Ogles
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Alison Van Houten
Illustrator: Musubu Hagi

Published in August 2024.


Ashwini Naidu knew when her car was going over the Golden Gate Bridge, because the rumble of the pavement beneath her changed. She sat in the passenger seat, fully reclined, and clenched her eyes shut. From the driver’s seat, her coworker updated Ashwini on their progress—a quarter of the way across, halfway—until, finally, Ashwini was in the clear.

When they’d started out on their hour-long, southward journey from Sonoma to San Francisco earlier that day, Ashwini was driving. She had intended to follow a circuitous route that would take them over the Richmond–San Rafael Bridge into the East Bay, then west across the Bay Bridge into the city proper. Circumventing the Golden Gate would add 30 minutes to their drive, but Ashwini didn’t care about that. She didn’t realize that her GPS had rerouted them until she noticed the Marin Headlands rising above the highway. She knew what that meant: The bridge loomed ahead. Without hesitating, she pulled her car onto the shoulder of the freeway.

“You have to drive,” she explained to her bewildered coworker. “I can’t see the Golden Gate Bridge.”

Ashwini, who was in her mid-thirties, had never laid eyes on the iconic structure in person. It wasn’t for lack of opportunity—by 2023, she had been living in the Bay Area for three years. The soaring vermilion bridge is one of the first sights that most transplants tick off their must-see list, and Ashwini’s work took her all around San Francisco. Avoiding even a glimpse of it took effort. But Ashwini had made a promise to another woman 7,500 miles away: She would not see the bridge until they were finally hand in hand.

Before she moved to San Francisco—before she fell in love, before she even knew what being in love felt like—Ashwini lived in the vibrant metropolis of Bengaluru, more commonly known as Bangalore. She was gregarious, with a natural curiosity about everyone she met that helped her make friends easily. She was also ambitious. While attending an all-girls Catholic high school, she cofounded a company that offered arts programs for kids.

It was also in high school that Ashwini realized she was attracted to girls. Her feelings seemed natural to her, and she never questioned them until other girls at school began giggling and teasing one another about their crushes on boys. She worried what they would think if she revealed that she didn’t feel the same way, so she kept her romantic inclinations to herself. “I did not even know what being gay meant,” Ashwini said. “The idea of marrying a woman was unfathomable at that time, at least for me.”

Before British colonization, India had a history of tolerance toward diverse sexual orientations and gender identities. That ended with the 1860 passage of Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code, which criminalized “carnal intercourse against the order of nature” as an “unnatural offense,” punishable with a fine and up to life in prison. Although the law didn’t specifically refer to homosexuality, it was interpreted as outlawing same-sex relations. In practice, consenting adults were rarely charged under Section 377, but it was used as a tool for harassment, discrimination, and blackmail against people who fell outside the bounds of heteronormativity.

When a female classmate confided to Ashwini that she had a crush on her, Ashwini was initially alarmed. She told the girl that being together was impossible. In time, however, the shock and bewilderment softened. Ashwini noticed how her heart fluttered when she was around the girl, and she started to crave their moments of connection—even if pursuing them meant hiding their burgeoning relationship. “I don’t know what this is,” Ashwini told her, “but can we promise each other that no matter what happens, we won’t give up on our friendship? Let’s just dive into this and see where it takes us.”

Ashwini’s father often said that if something was done in secret, there must be something wrong with it. He was a stay-at-home dad raising Ashwini and her younger sister, Shalini, while their mother worked. He always listened attentively to Ashwini when she talked about her problems, and he offered encouragement and advice. More often than not she listened. But she pursued her clandestine relationship without her dad’s knowledge. In fact, Ashwini told no one about her girlfriend.

The two girls kept their friend circles separate and were careful not to draw attention to themselves in public. In private their inhibitions fell away as they sought refuge in each other. They sat together in their bedrooms and spun dreams of a shared future: living together in a cozy home until their hair silvered and their faces became etched with wrinkles. They even chose names for their imagined children. “It was a very intense, emotional relationship,” Ashwini said.

Those conversations made Ashwini’s heart pound with both exhilaration and trepidation, because even as she allowed herself to dream, a sense of hopelessness would settle over her, a dark cloud that obscured the future. The life the two girls imagined didn’t seem possible in India. Perhaps, her girlfriend suggested, Ashwini could pursue an engineering degree in the United States. Maybe on another continent, far from the confines of home, their love could blossom freely.

Then one day their shared vision was shattered. “I think I’m straight, and I think you’re straight, too. This whole thing was a big mistake,” Ashwini’s girlfriend told her. The words landed like a blow and seemed to confirm Ashwini’s worst fear: that to feel the way she felt, something must be wrong with her. Perhaps her dad was right about what people did in secret. Perhaps, at her core, she was shameful.

Ashwini began to question her worth. She thought about how disappointed her friends and family would be if they knew the real her. Some days she wondered if she would be better off dead.

Ashwini stayed in India for college, earning her degree in industrial engineering, then began her career. She dated men and had one relationship that lasted several years. Her boyfriend declined to introduce her as his partner to his friends, and Ashwini’s friends and her sister insisted that she deserved better. Such red flags didn’t bother her, however. The relationship was just a way to ignore how she truly felt.

In high school, Ashwini had joined the drama club, and she later acted in a few plays and did voiceover work. She knew how to assume the role of a character, to adopt mannerisms and deliver lines convincingly. By dating a man, she told me, “I had the perfect script. But I didn’t feel that anything was natural. It was not coming from the bottom of my heart.”

Meanwhile, a national debate over gay rights in India was simmering. In 2009, when Ashwini was 21, LGBTQ+ activists achieved a significant victory when the Delhi High Court held that Section 377 violated the country’s constitution by depriving citizens of the rights to equal treatment under the law, to privacy, and to freedom of expression. The decision was a response to a lawsuit filed eight years earlier by an HIV/AIDS advocacy organization called the Naz Foundation, and it effectively decriminalized consensual intercourse between same-sex adults.

The ruling was a significant but short-lived step toward equal rights in India. Public attitudes toward LGBTQ+ lifestyles were still predominantly negative. Following the court decision, a poll conducted by the Hindustan Times and the CNN-IBN television network found that 73 percent of Indians thought homosexuality should be illegal. A coalition of conservative religious and political groups appealed the High Court ruling to the country’s Supreme Court on the grounds that “homosexuality was an offense against public morality and Indian cultural values.” In December 2013, the Supreme Court reinstated Section 377. A panel of judges criticized the High Court for “its anxiety to protect the so-called rights of LGBT persons,” whom it claimed made up only “a minuscule fraction” of Indians. Thousands of advocates gathered across the country to protest the decision, many wearing black arm bands and waving rainbow flags.

Ashwini prided herself on keeping up with the news, but when it came to the headlines about Section 377, she read as little as possible. That doesn’t apply to me, she told herself.

What she believed did apply to her was marriage. She wanted a life partner and all the things that came with it—the stability, the mutual support, the shared history. “I come from a household of a very good marriage,” she said. Growing up she had observed her parents’ devotion to each other in a million small ways. Her father had fixed her mother coffee each morning, and the pair would drink from steaming mugs while discussing the day ahead. Her dad bought her mom saris and helped her drape and adjust the complex garments as she got ready to go out. When Ashwini’s mom left for work, her dad stood on the balcony and waved at her until she was out of sight. At the end of the day, he’d await the first glimpse of her returning home.

Ashwini thought that the only hope of achieving something similar to what her parents had was marrying a man, so she didn’t balk when they suggested an arranged marriage. Their union had been arranged, after all, and they were progressive enough culturally that Ashwini knew she’d be able to veto anyone they presented who didn’t suit her.

Marriage would be the ultimate acting role for Ashwini, but she hoped that it would also be her salvation. She sometimes pictured herself in the ocean, swimming as far away from her true self as she could, yet never finding safe harbor. Marriage to a man could be a lifeline, connecting her to the kind of life she wanted—or thought she did. “I was feeling hopeless,” Ashwini said. “That’s when I just gave up and I said, ‘Let’s do this.’ ”

She and her parents were ready to begin the search for a husband, but first Ashwini wanted to go on a trip—a final adventure before she became a man’s wife. She wanted to go to the mountains of India, but not in order to mimic the trope she’d seen in movies: Woman retreats into nature and discovers herself. Rather, the trip would be one last chance to escape the weight of having to hide her identity. “I just wanted to get away,” Ashwini said. “I wanted to get out of my life.”

Ashwini’s sister, Shalini, had some time off before starting a new job and decided to join her. At the last minute, Ashwini’s friend Shinara decided to come along as well, but she suggested they go to Nepal instead. Ashwini’s solo trip at home was now a group expedition abroad. Still, she was eager to make the most of it.

It was morning when the trio arrived at a backpackers’ hostel in Thamel, Kathmandu’s tourist district. The streets outside were choked with honking cars, swerving mopeds, and pedestrians fanning out in every direction. Ashwini, hungover and sleep-deprived from a pre-departure get-together with friends, browsed the notices on a bulletin board while her sister and friend checked in. When the female manager asked for Ashwini’s passport, she walked over and tossed it on the counter without looking up. “Oh, hello,” the woman’s voice rang out. “It’s OK to not be rude.”

The words yanked Ashwini from her fuzzy headspace. She knew that under normal circumstances she would have greeted the manager warmly and riddled her with questions, and she quickly apologized. “Whatever,” the woman muttered. She had long, dark hair and a confident gaze. She studied Ashwini’s passport for what struck Ashwini as longer than necessary.

Their rooms wouldn’t be ready for several hours, so Ashwini, Shalini, and Shinara settled into the hostel’s adjoining restaurant. As they drank Nepal Ice beer, Shalini began sending her sister over to the front counter on various pretexts: Ask the manager to charge our phones. Ask where the good sightseeing is. Shalini had long suspected that Ashwini liked girls, even if her sister never admitted it outright. “At the time, I was just messing with Ashwini,” Shalini said.

Soon Ashwini caught the manager glancing her way from time to time. Shalini noticed, too. Then Ashwini’s cell phone, plugged in at the front desk, began blaring, “Wake up … Wake up ….” Ashwini leapt from her seat to silence it.

“Why is your alarm set to wake up at two in the afternoon?” the manager asked.

Ashwini explained that she was an account manager for an internet security company in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and she had to be at her office during the American workday. She sensed disapproval in the woman. In South Asia, people who work for American companies can have a reputation for being spoiled and entitled.

Another guest walked by and asked the manager how she was feeling. She reassured the guest that she was fine. “Is something wrong?” Ashwini asked.

“Do you need to know everyone’s stories?” the woman replied.

Ashwini figured she couldn’t make things worse at that point, so she plowed ahead. “Well, I’m on vacation. My room isn’t ready. I have nothing else to do. So if you want to offload it with me, you could just tell me what happened.”

The woman paused for a moment and then said that a confrontation with a coworker had upset her.

“What would make it better?” Ashwini asked.

“A drink,” the woman answered.

Ashwini pointed out that they served drinks at the adjoining restaurant. “I can’t drink while I’m working,” the woman said.

“What time do you get off work?” Ashwini asked. She was going to be at the hostel anyway. Maybe they could get a drink together.

The woman agreed.

Srijana Khatri, who goes by Shree, was Ashwini’s opposite in some ways. She was introverted and reflective, more comfortable in her own company than in large groups, though she was fiercely loyal to her family and her close-knit circle of friends. Her patience and nurturing demeanor, coupled with a gift for listening, made people who’d just met her feel at ease.

Growing up, Shree split her time between Kathmandu and the rural mountain district of Okhaldhunga. Her parents worked for the military, and she was raised primarily by her grandparents, from whom she absorbed an old-soul influence. When she realized that she was gay, she kept it to herself. She wasn’t sure how her family would react. Compared with surrounding countries, Nepal was relatively progressive on LGBTQ+ issues. In 2007, the year Shree turned 13, a Supreme Court ruling made Nepal the first country in South Asia to recognize the rights of the LGBTQ+ community. A few years later, in 2011, Nepal became the first country in the world to include a third gender category on its census. A new constitution, adopted in 2015, prohibited discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation or gender identity. But national law stopped short of recognizing gay marriages, and to many people same-sex relationships remained taboo. Shree knew of gay people who were thrown out of their homes when they came out to their families.

One day when Shree was 16, her grandfather told her he knew that she was different from other girls. If there was something she wanted to tell him, he said, he was ready to listen. Shree had already envisioned the possible outcomes of confiding in him, and not all of them were positive. “I was overwhelmed, because I didn’t expect him to understand,” she said. Still, Shree decided to be honest with him. To her surprise, he quickly accepted her and even offered advice on navigating the road ahead. The news about her sexuality soon spread through her family, and though her parents asked for some time to adjust, everyone supported her.

As a teenager, Shree had two relationships with women. One never evolved past the casual-dating phase. The other, with a woman seven years her senior, ended when the woman’s family arranged for her to marry to a man. This is just how it is, Shree told herself, meeting the disappointment with characteristic equanimity. She knew that the pressure of family expectations could be intense.

After high school, Shree enrolled in college to pursue a degree in business and finance. Then, on the eve of exams in her final year, she began having seizures. She was diagnosed with epilepsy and spent the next year in and out of the hospital, before doctors found the right medication to stabilize her condition. The ordeal left her feeling daunted about returning to school. She took a job at the hostel instead, managing the property and sometimes covering the front desk.

Shree wasn’t sure why she agreed to have a drink with Ashwini. She’d been in a bad mood all day. Perhaps it was Ashwini’s warm eyes and refusal to be cowed by Shree’s terseness that won her over. She figured, why not? The two women made plans for the following evening.

Then a problem arose. The afternoon of the day Shree and Ashwini were supposed to meet up, Shinara announced that she’d booked a side trip to visit Pokhara, a popular lakeside city six hours from Kathmandu. She, Shalini, and Ashwini would be leaving together that evening on an overnight bus. Ashwini protested. She was the type to always show up when she said she would, even if it was to have a drink with a woman whose name she didn’t yet know. Shinara eyed Ashwini skeptically. She knew that her friend liked women, but she wasn’t about to forgo the Pokhara trip for someone Ashwini had just met. Besides, Shinara said, the woman had helped her book the bus tickets—she knew that Ashwini would be leaving that night.

Ashwini relented. On her way out, she went to the front desk to apologize to the manager, but no one was there. A taxi arrived to take Ashwini, Shalini, and Shinara to the bus station, and while loading their bags they asked about return service when they got back to Kathmandu. The driver said that would be no problem and instructed them to call the hostel manager when they arrived so that she could send for him. He gave them the woman’s number.

Ashwini was so relieved that she now had the chance to apologize for her sudden departure that she forgot to ask the driver for the manager’s name. She saved the number under “Oh, Hello.”

The three women boarded the bus, and the streets of Kathmandu soon gave way to a dark, hilly landscape. The screen of Ashwini’s phone glowed as she pulled up the number she’d saved.

Hey, this is Ashwini, she typed into a new chat.

A moment later her phone chimed.

Ashwini who? Should I know who you are?

Ashwini blushed with embarrassment. Then Shree let on that she was joking.

I’m sorry I didn’t stay back today, Ashwini wrote.

It’s OK, Shree replied. They agreed to try meeting up again in a few days, when Ashwini would be back in Kathmandu for 24 hours before her flight home. Then Shree tested the romantic waters. She wasn’t sure Ashwini was gay, but again she figured, why not?

I have a bad habit when I drink, Shree texted. I like to flirt.

OK. Let’s flirt with the whole town. Let’s paint the town red, Ashwini texted back.

Shree sighed. Subtlety was not going to work apparently. She tried again.

Especially with girls, she wrote.

Sunk down low in her bus seat, Ashwini felt her chest tighten with excitement. Only a few days earlier, she had told her parents to begin the process of an arranged marriage. Years of running away from her sexual orientation had left her exhausted. Shree’s words sent a jolt of energy through her.

Ashwini recalled something that had happened earlier that day. She’d visited the Pashupatinath Temple on the banks of the Bagmati River, where devotees and pilgrims gather to offer prayers and seek blessings from Pashupati, a manifestation of Shiva. The space was adorned with intricate wood carvings and golden spires. The heady fragrance of incense hung in the air. A priest had instructed her in sankalpa, which he translated as making a wish.

Ashwini had hesitated to complete the ritual. She believed in God, but she could never bring herself to pray for anything. Who was she to make requests when God knew what was best for her? But when she put her forehead to the ground in the temple, she felt a desire welling up inside. God, she prayed, once in my lifetime, I want to experience love the way it should feel.

Now, staring at her phone on the bus, she thought that this was her chance, maybe the only one she would get before returning home and getting married. She typed back: When did I say I have a problem with that?

When Ashwini returned to Kathmandu, she and Shree shared a scooter to a café. Ashwini drove while Shree sat on the back and held Ashwini’s waist. Shree was struck by the scent of Ashwini’s perfume—it was fresh and clean. I could smell this forever, she thought.

Ashwini inundated Shree with questions during the ride. When Ashwini learned that Shree was only 23, she balked a little inside. Ashwini was 29. Surely the six-year age gap meant that Shree was too young for them to have much in common. But when they sat down to a lunch of steamed momos, Shree talked about her grandparents and how much she loved spending time with them. She seemed mature beyond her years.

As the two women got to know each other, an unfamiliar giddiness spread through Ashwini’s body like a fizzy drink. It all felt so natural. She wasn’t reeling off a scripted version of what she thought she should be saying. She was just being herself.

Evening descended, and the women made their way to a bar near the hostel. As they sipped their drinks, two local men came over to say hello to Shree. Soon after, Ashwini’s sister and friend walked in. The sight of Ashwini at a table with Shree and two unfamiliar men made them uneasy. Ashwini was relatively well-off, visiting a poor country. What if these locals were planning to take advantage of her somehow? Shalini and Shinara called Ashwini over and voiced their concern: What did Shree want, exactly?

“Relax,” Ashwini told them. “I spent the day with her. She’s different.”

Only a few tables away, Shree could hear the women arguing, and she walked over to them. “Hey, guys,” she interrupted, “I think I’m going to call it a night.” She politely excused herself and walked out.

Ashwini rushed into the street and found Shree a few blocks away. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I want to apologize for my friends’ behavior.”

“Stop,” Shree said. She told Ashwini that she hadn’t left the bar because she was angry. She was glad that Ashwini had people who cared about her enough to look out for her. But she didn’t like drama, and she had to work in the morning. So she said goodnight. Ashwini returned to the bar. It was now midnight, and her plane home was departing at 5:30 that morning. Ashwini decided that she wouldn’t be on it.

“Listen,” she said to Shalini and Shinara. “I’m not going back to India.”

The other women erupted. “What nonsense!” said Shalini. “You don’t just fall in love with somebody in a foreign country. You think I will leave you here and go back home?”

Ashwini was adamant. She’d spent years overthinking every decision in her life, but in that moment her brain was quiet. She knew that she wanted to stay. Something was happening with Shree, something she hadn’t experienced before, and she wouldn’t walk away from it when it had barely begun. Even just a few more days might be enough to bring the picture into focus, for better or worse.

The following day, Ashwini greeted Shree at the front desk and explained that she hadn’t boarded her flight. “If I stay here for five days, will you hang out with me?” she asked.

A mixture of excitement and disbelief washed over Shree. This woman was rearranging her life to get to know her. She was touched, and she wanted to say yes, but she couldn’t take time off with so little notice. Instead, she agreed to see Ashwini before and after work.

For the next five days, they spent all of Shree’s free time together. Shree brought breakfast to Ashwini’s room each morning, and Ashwini explored the city during the day. When Shree clocked out, they’d meet at a restaurant and spend hours roaming the labyrinthine alleys of Thamel. They talked about past relationships, family, and their religious beliefs, connecting over their shared Hindu culture.

Ashwini was struck that Shree didn’t seem to hide any facet of herself. It made Ashwini feel her own inhibitions more keenly than ever. When Shree reached for her hand at a restaurant, Ashwini reflexively pulled away. She was unsure of the local laws, she explained, and wasn’t comfortable with public displays of affection.

At the end of the five days, Ashwini left Nepal with her thoughts in turmoil. A safe but passionless future awaited her in India; Shree represented the opposite. But she’d told Shree, “You deserve someone who can hold your hand in public and not be shy about it.” Ashwini didn’t know if she could be that person, no matter how much she wanted to.

Now 1,100 miles apart, the two women texted and called each other incessantly. Shree wanted more. She knew that Ashwini was on the cusp of an arranged marriage, which had already cost Shree one relationship. “I like you,” she told Ashwini after a few weeks. “But if it’s a no, that’s fine. We should stop talking right now.”

Ashwini wasn’t sure what to do. She knew the risks she faced: Walking away from an arranged marriage would almost certainly require coming out to her parents, and once her orientation was no longer a secret, who knew what kind of condemnation or rejection she might face—personal, professional, or otherwise? Plus, she would have to learn to accept herself for who she was. The alternative, however, was a life without Shree.

A few days after Ashwini’s 30th birthday, she video-called Shree. Looking at Shree’s face, she knew that she was ready to make the leap. Ashwini asked Shree to be her girlfriend.

A Threat and a Promise

In August 2018, Shree visited Ashwini in India. Ashwini worried how they would mesh in her home environment, particularly when easygoing Shree saw how driven she was in her career. But having Shree in her apartment felt natural. The women discovered that they both loved to cook, and they spent many evenings delving into new recipes. When they dined out, they dissected the ingredients of dishes and strategized how they might re-create them at home. Shree listened to Ashwini talk about her work and offered advice and encouragement. The two women discussed moving in together, but Ashwini couldn’t find a good job in Nepal, and Shree’s family had discouraged her from moving to India while same-sex relationships remained illegal there.

Then, the month after Shree’s visit, responding to petitions requesting a review of its earlier ruling, the Indian Supreme Court unanimously struck down Section 377. Intercourse between adults of the same sex was no longer illegal. “Criminalizing carnal intercourse is irrational, arbitrary, and manifestly unconstitutional,” said justice Dipak Misra as he delivered the decision. Outside the courthouse, LGBTQ+ advocates hugged and cheered. Two months later, Shree quit her job at the hostel, left Nepal, and moved into Ashwini’s apartment. She found work at a nearby motorcycle shop.

Despite the court’s decision, Ashwini was nervous about living with Shree. India remained a conservative country, and Ashwini worried about being rejected or ostracized if she came out. She introduced Shree to her parents as her roommate and avoided having coworkers and acquaintances visit her at home. When the housecleaner came, Ashwini told Shree, “Don’t be in the same room as me. Don’t be too close with me. Behave like we are friends.”

Shree found herself tiptoeing around her own home. “I was so scared in the beginning,” she said. She had come to India for Ashwini but felt like she was being asked to hide who she was. “All the time we were together in Bangalore, we never held hands in public,” Shree said. “That’s not how it’s supposed to be.”

Still, Shree was patient and forgiving by nature. She remembered stories of people who’d been disowned for coming out to their families. She knew how much Ashwini’s family and career meant to her. “Each of us has our own coming-out journey,” she told Ashwini. “Just because we are together, it doesn’t have to accelerate yours. Whatever your journey is, all I’m asking is to go with you.”

Ashwini wanted to lead an open life someday, but in the meantime there was a more pressing matter: Her parents still wanted to find her a husband. When she’d returned from her trip to Nepal, she’d informed them that she’d changed her mind about arranged marriage. She wasn’t ready to tell them about Shree, so instead she took aim at the institution itself. “Marriage is bullshit,” she told her parents. “Half of them end in divorce. I make a good income and don’t want to risk getting stuck paying alimony to some man.” As Ashwini tried to bury the topic, she considered her parents’ ages. They were in their late sixties. Perhaps they’d be gone before the real reason for her resistance became apparent. The thought brought a guilt-tinged sense of relief.

Ashwini’s parents were bewildered by her sudden hostility toward marriage. They broached the topic whenever she visited, so over time she saw them less and less. One day her mom asked her to meet for coffee. It was an unusual request—Ashwini didn’t drink coffee—but she agreed. The two women barely spoke as they sipped their beverages. It was only when Ashwini was driving them home that her mom opened up. She spoke about an older woman in their family who had never found a partner and now lived in lonely solitude. “I worry about that for you,” she said. Ashwini’s mom turned her gaze out the car window. “I’m not asking you to get married because I’m worried about what our friends say or what society says,” she continued. “I’m asking because I don’t want you to grow old without companionship. I want you to have what I’ve found with your father.”

I have that already, Ashwini thought.

“You’ve got to give me a reason,” her mom said. “You can’t just say you don’t want to get married.”

Silence hung in the air. They had already reached the house, but Ashwini continued driving around a nearby lake. They could go in circles forever, Ashwini thought, or she could jump off the ledge she was standing on. “It’s because I don’t like boys,” she said at last. Another long pause followed before her mom asked, “Are you trying to tell me you like girls?”

“Yes,” Ashwini said.

And then she told her mom about Shree. Once the words began, they tumbled out. Ashwini talked about how hard the years of secrecy and shame had been, how she’d even considered taking her own life, and how everything had changed when she heard Shree’s voice at the hostel in Kathmandu. Ashwini had always been on the move, always striving, always running away from herself. Shree was teaching her how to embrace stillness and be comfortable in her own skin. “I feel like I can breathe now,” Ashwini said.

Ashwini’s mom asked her to drive to a nearby store. She went in, bought three pairs of shoes, and got back in the car. Ashwini, still reeling from her confession, waited for a reaction, but none came. “Mom, I just shared the most intimate part of my life,” Ashwini said. “Do you have anything to tell me?”

“I’m not saying anything because my blood pressure is very high right now, and I can feel that I need my medicine,” her mother replied. “Can you drive me home?” She didn’t say another word until they’d walked inside. Then her mother turned to Ashwini and said, “Don’t tell Dad anything. Let me break it to him.”

Ashwini didn’t sleep that night. The next day her dad called. “Your mom told me something very big,” he said. He invited her over for lunch. When she arrived, he began to talk about one of his favorite Bollywood actors, who had come out in support of the transgender community. He mentioned how, in Mumbai, trans people have a prominent place in some cultural traditions. He also talked about how hard their lives could be.

Ashwini struggled to follow where the conversation was heading. “Dad, get to the point,” she interrupted. He looked at her directly. “Did we miss something biologically when you were born?” he asked.

Ashwini realized that he was confused, that he thought she might not identify as a woman. “Dad, I’m just a girl like any other girl, but I like girls. This is just who I am,” she said. She explained that before she met Shree, she felt like she would have been happy with only a fraction of the devotion he and her mother shared. But with Shree, she had found all of it. Now she couldn’t settle for anything less.

Her father’s eyes seemed to soften, and Ashwini sensed that she had connected with him. “You’ve been the perfect daughter,” he said. She had excelled in her education and career. Other parents in the neighborhood told him that they wanted a daughter like Ashwini.

Then her father dashed her hopes. “All the right you’ve done has been made wrong with this one thing,” he said. “I’m never going to be OK with it.”

Ashwini left the house in tears. She had always been close to her dad. “He was my hero all my life. He was my go-to guy. And I didn’t have him this time,” she said. “That really, really hurt me.”

Despite how they’d reacted, Ashwini stayed in contact with her parents. When she tried to discuss anything related to the LGBTQ+ community, they looked at her like she was speaking a foreign language. But grappling with a gap in understanding was better than not seeing her family at all—Ashwini loved her parents and didn’t want to lose them.

Shree and Ashwini continued living together while hiding their relationship from most people. Then one evening, while Ashwini was home alone getting ready to go to a friend’s party, there was a knock at the door. She opened it to find two men in plain clothes, one holding a notebook. They introduced themselves as police officers and pelted her with questions: What company do you work for? Where is your office? What is your phone number?

“Why do you need this information?” Ashwini asked. They gave a vague answer about crime in the neighborhood. Cold dread spread through her body. Why were they really there? Were they even police officers? Two of her male friends had come out to her a few years earlier, and they’d told her stories about harassment: how people showed up at gay Indians’ homes pretending to be police or media, gathered information, then threatened to expose them to their employers and families, sometimes extorting them for money. Ashwini’s tech job and the upscale neighborhood she lived in made her a target.

She knew she could ask for the men’s IDs to verify that they were law enforcement. She also knew that in India male officers must have a female officer present to approach a woman after 6 p.m.—she could ask the men to leave and return with a female colleague. But Ashwini was rooted to the floor in fear, and any words of reproach were stuck in her throat. She tried to appear casual as she answered the men’s questions.

When they asked, “What about the girl who lives with you?” her heart sank. Ashwini hadn’t told her landlord about Shree. How did these men know? Ashwini gave the strangers a few basic details, and finally they turned to go. “Be safe,” one of them said. The words hung in the air as Ashwini closed the door.

Ashwini went to her friend’s party, but her mind was miles away. She tried to smile and make small talk, but her unease grew as scenarios played out in her mind. Eventually, the roar of anxiety in her head drowned out the music and conversation. Without saying goodbye, she walked out the door and drove home to Shree.

Ashwini woke Shree up when she arrived. The two women spoke in hushed voices as they discussed the encounter and what it meant for them. They had attracted the wrong kind of attention; the apartment no longer felt safe. The front door was bolted, but the presence of the men seemed to lurk just beyond it. How long would it be before they returned?

Shree felt especially vulnerable—she had come to India alone, with Ashwini as her sole support system. “I don’t feel free here,” she said. The words unsettled Ashwini, and she felt a strong sense of guilt. The women sat next to each other in heavy silence. Then Shree asked, “Do you think our lives would be different in a country that accepts us?”

As if the universe had heard Shree’s question, the next day Ashwini learned that her company was hiring for a position similar to hers in California. Suddenly, moving to another country—one where same-sex relationships were legal—felt like a real possibility. Ashwini interviewed for the job and got it.

Ashwini and Shree came up with a plan: After Ashwini left for the United States, Shree would pack up their apartment in India and return to Nepal to begin the process of obtaining a U.S. visa. At the same time, Ashwini would find an apartment for them in San Francisco. They hoped to reunite in about a month.

Before her departure, Ashwini and Shree celebrated Ashwini’s birthday with friends who knew about their relationship. One of them persuaded Shree to wear a dress to the party despite her preference for more casual clothes. After everyone gave gifts to Ashwini, the guests told Shree it was her turn—not to give a present, but to receive one. They pulled her to the center of the room and had her close her eyes. When she opened them, Ashwini was kneeling in front of her holding a watch engraved with the words “Marry me.”

“Srijana Khatri,” Ashwini said, “you had me at ‘Oh, hello.’ ”

Shree hesitated for only a moment. Being the center of attention made her want to run, but she didn’t have any doubts about her love for Ashwini. Shree said yes. They would start their new life together, engaged, in San Francisco.

The couple knew little about the city. Shree had heard from guests at the hostel in Kathmandu that it was an open-minded place. And Ashwini was aware that the Bay Area was a hub for technology and innovation. The only concrete thing they could picture was the Golden Gate Bridge, and once they’d decided to move, it seemed to be everywhere. Magnets depicting the bridge already adorned their fridge, souvenirs from Ashwini’s colleagues who’d visited the U.S. On their coffee table sat a book of photography—a gift from a friend—with the bridge on its cover.

The structure came to symbolize the life they would soon be building together. Shree urged Ashwini to visit the Golden Gate once she’d arrived in San Francisco, but that didn’t feel right to Ashwini. She wanted to see it for the first time when they were side by side. She vowed to wait until they were together again.

The Separation

Ashwini moved in January 2020. She stayed in downtown San Francisco while hunting for an apartment. On weekends she took in the local sights—the Ferry Building, Lombard Street, the city’s Museum of Modern Art—but never the Golden Gate Bridge. Meanwhile, in Nepal, Shree discovered that she needed a letter from the motorcycle shop where she’d worked in India confirming her employment. She returned to India in mid-March to get the letter, only packing enough clothes for the two nights she planned to crash on a friend’s couch. She hoped that the short setback wouldn’t delay her reunion with Ashwini.

By then news of COVID-19 was sweeping the globe, as the virus wormed its way through China, Europe, and the U.S. Before long it was everywhere. In San Francisco, shelter-in-place orders were announced on March 16, closing all but essential businesses. In India, Shree had already checked in for her return flight to Nepal when the Indian government sealed the borders and restricted movement inside the country. She was trapped.

Shree felt angry. She had left her job, her family, her country for Ashwini. Now she was stuck in India while her fiancée was thousands of miles away. She felt like she had nowhere to turn. Where would she stay until flights resumed? Even friends were cautious about letting anyone but immediate family into their homes.

As she sheltered in San Francisco, Ashwini felt helpless. All she could do was make a list of every hotel and hostel in her old neighborhood and call them one by one to see if they had space for Shree. The hotels weren’t accepting new guests; the hostels were asking current ones to leave.

She’d hit dead end after dead end when Ashwini received a call from her parents. Their relationship remained strained; her decision to move to California hadn’t helped. But her parents knew that Shree was stranded in their city, and they asked Ashwini if she had a place to stay. Ashwini replied that she was figuring it out, but they weren’t satisfied with her answer. “That girl trusted you and came to Bangalore. You’re responsible for her safety, and you’re not here,” her mother said. “So, by virtue of being your family, we are responsible for her safety. Ask her to move in with us.”

Ashwini was stunned. She knew how meaningful it was for her parents to invite Shree into their home. She ran the idea past Shree, who was dubious. “This is the craziest thing we’ve done yet,” Shree said. But there were no other options.

When Shree showed up at the house with nothing but her backpack, Ashwini’s parents welcomed her with cool politeness. They were fond of the kind, considerate young woman they’d known as their daughter’s roommate. Now that Shree was engaged to Ashwini, they weren’t sure how to act around her—a living reminder of their daughter’s sexual orientation was sitting on their couch, using their bath, sharing a room with Shalini. “At least for two weeks, all of us were very awkward,” Shree told me.

Shree made a strong effort to connect with her hosts. Ashwini’s parents were older and particularly vulnerable to COVID, so Shree helped with the shopping and other errands. She cooked for the family, making momos and other Nepalese dishes part of the household’s meal rotation. She practiced yoga with Shalini to stay active. She ate lunch with Ashwini’s father and shared tea with her mother as the evening shadows lengthened.

Shree also began accompanying Ashwini’s mother to the local Hindu temple, which remained open for worship. It was a 20-minute walk away. “She would talk and I would listen,” Shree said. “She really liked that.” Shree also spoke at length with Shalini, who had been wary of her ever since Ashwini had chosen to stay behind on the girls’ trip to Nepal. Sharing her room with Shree, Shalini’s perception shifted. “We started to see each other in our own light,” Shalini said. “I got to find out more about her, her past, what she likes, her principles, her beliefs, and she got to see those things in me.”

Most important, Shalini recognized Shree’s devotion to her sister. She saw how they balanced each other and carved out spaces in their lives for their relationship every single day. She saw in their sacrifices expressions of love. Soon she was joking with Shree, “Come on, you can do better than my sister.”

India’s ban on air travel was extended week after week. When the government began allowing some flights, tickets were hard to come by and prices were exorbitant. Shree’s brief stay of a few weeks turned into ten months. It wasn’t until January 2021 that she was able to return to Nepal and resume her visa application process.

Saying goodbye to Ashwini’s family was bittersweet, because they’d come to accept Shree as part of their lives. “She’s very compassionate,” her mother told Ashwini one day. “She’s very smart.” Shalini had grown to care about Shree like a second sister. “I’ve always said that while Ashwini fell in love with Shree, I chose to make Shree my family,” Shalini said.

Ashwini found that avoiding the Golden Gate Bridge was no easy task. San Francisco is compact and hilly. The bridge rises 746 feet above the bay; on a clear day you can glimpse its distinctive towers peeking above the skyline from almost anywhere. Ashwini navigated the city with determined precision, keeping vigilant track of where the bridge stood in relation to her and avoiding vantages that might be intruded upon by its iconic silhouette.

Ashwini moved from one short-term apartment to another before she found a permanent place in Pleasanton, about an hour outside the city. She was in no danger of seeing the bridge from there, but sometimes she had to drive into San Francisco for client appointments. When she crossed the Bay Bridge between Oakland and San Francisco, about ten miles east of the Golden Gate, she focused on the car in front of her so she wouldn’t see the bridge out the passenger-side window. When she started a hiking group with friends, she avoided outings in places where the bridge might be visible.

Ashwini and Shree never expected their separation to last as long as it did. In Nepal, Shree’s visa appointment was postponed again and again. She worked at the hostel to make ends meet. Ashwini visited her twice, staying a month each time. They rented a furnished apartment together, shopped for groceries, cooked paneer and curries, and watched cricket on the couch, with Shree explaining the intricacies of the sport to Ashwini. They playacted at normal life. Then Ashwini had to go.

During her second visit, Ashwini’s parents also traveled to Nepal to meet Shree’s family. Everyone gathered at Shree’s aunt’s house for an enormous lunch and then sat in the living room to talk. Although they spoke different languages, the two families managed to communicate through gestures and expressions. Afterward, everyone retired to various rooms for a nap. “Shree and I were in a cousin’s room,” said Ashwini. “We were just lying on the bed, looking at the mountains, thinking, ‘Can you believe that our families are having an afternoon siesta together under the same roof?’ We were in disbelief.”

Everyone went to temple that evening. Before they parted ways, Shree’s mother asked her to translate a question for Ashwini’s parents: “Ask them if they like my daughter.” Ashwini’s father answered simply: “She is also our daughter.” They were words neither Shree nor Ashwini ever imagined they’d hear.

Days later, Shree quit her job at the hostel when her employer asked her to work instead of taking her scheduled vacation time while Ashwini was still visiting. It was a principled stand, but a foolhardy one: Her long-awaited visa appointment was coming up in a few months, and being unemployed could be seen as evidence of financial instability, diminishing her chances of getting government approval to spend time in the U.S. It didn’t matter that Ashwini could support her, because they weren’t yet legally related.

Ashwini called the lawyer working with her and Shree. “What if she were my wife?” Ashwini asked. The lawyer confirmed that this would help at the appointment. It would be best if they married in an English-speaking country, so that the paperwork wouldn’t need to be translated.

Ashwini went back to the U.S. and put together a spreadsheet. She found 30-some countries that had legalized same-sex marriage. Only a handful allowed foreigners to marry there, and of those, there were three English-speaking countries that seemed like a good fit: the UK, Australia, and Canada. Ashwini was hopeful that Canada would work, but she discovered that the wait for a visitor visa could be as long as six months. Her shoulders slumped with defeat, and she returned to the drawing board.

Then a friend she hadn’t heard from in a while called. As it happened, the friend was in Los Angeles waiting to board a flight to Australia, where several of her Indian family members would be joining her. She said it had been easy to get them all visas. It only took a week, and it didn’t require going to a consulate or embassy—everything could be done online. Ashwini rushed to her computer.

In less than a month, both Shree and Ashwini had visitor visas for Australia. They arrived down under in March 2023 and were married on a beach south of Sydney, with only their photographer, a videographer, an officiant, and a local friend in attendance. Rain had darkened the skies throughout the preceding week, but the sun emerged on their wedding day, casting a warm glow over the turquoise waves. Both of them wore tailored pantsuits: Shree’s was powder pink, Ashwini’s dark teal.

Standing hand in hand in the sand, they said their vows. “The road to today has been a long and arduous one,” Ashwini told Shree. “I’m forever grateful for your love, patience, and trust. On this beautiful sunny day, with the mighty Pacific Ocean as my witness, I promise you that I will not rest until we get you home where you belong with me.”

In return, Shree said, “Today I want to start by telling how much I love you. And I thank God every day that you have given all of your love to me. You have moved mountains for our love.” As the officiant pronounced them wife and wife, they kissed and then raised their arms and cheered.

A month later, Shree arrived at the U.S. embassy in Kathmandu and sat down for her visa appointment. She was applying as a dependent rather than a visitor. Nervous about saying anything that might hurt her chances of getting approved, she’d reviewed a long list of questions that might come up. But the official only asked three things: What does your spouse do? When did you get married? Do you have some photographs? After looking at the photos, he said, “OK, you’re approved.”

Shree thought she must have misunderstood. She and Ashwini had withstood bigotry, three years of COVID lockdowns, countless long-distance calls, and a seemingly endless wait broken up by only the briefest of reunions. Surely the end of that saga would involve more than three simple questions.

“Did you say approved?” Shree asked.

“Yes,” the official said, already shuffling aside Shree’s paperwork for his next appointment. “You can collect your document from the bank in about a week.”

The Bridge

Shree landed at San Francisco International Airport in June 2023. Ashwini picked her up and they drove north on highway 101, straight to the Golden Gate Bridge.

They wore matching gray tees that read “Love Wins” in rainbow-colored cursive. As they approached the bridge, they pulled off at Crissy Field and spread out a picnic blanket. Ashwini had packed a San Francisco–themed lunch of avocado toast on sourdough bread. They clinked plastic cups of sparkling water together and looked up at the expanse of steel stretched before them.

A bank of fog hung low over the Marin Headlands in the distance, and they zipped up their jackets against the late-spring chill. Ashwini thought about the massive feat of engineering that had brought the bridge into being. Perhaps, with modern tools and technology, it wouldn’t be so hard to build it today. But in the 1930s, the endeavor had taken steadfast vision to overcome years of obstacles and setbacks. Ashwini’s journey to be with Shree felt similar—they’d navigated delays and discouragement to reach a goal that at times felt like little more than fantasy.

Later that summer, the Supreme Court of Nepal allowed provisional registration of same-sex marriages while it considered a case on the matter. (The court has yet to issue its ruling.) Meanwhile, the Indian Supreme Court was weighing a similar decision. The oral arguments in that case had occurred in April and May, and Ashwini had followed the proceedings online. She heard the petitioners argue about why marriage equality mattered and realized that they were expressing ideas she’d never been able to articulate. She remembered the night when the two men who might have been police came to her apartment. “I had this dirty feeling in my stomach. I could not describe what that feeling was,” she told me. “When I was listening to the arguments, I finally found the words. What I felt that night was that I was stripped of my dignity. It was so unacceptable for me.”(In October 2023, the Supreme Court rejected the petitioners’ case; as of this writing, same-sex marriage remains illegal in India.)

The desire to reject indignity was what prompted Ashwini to embark on “this adventure,” as she sometimes refers to what followed, with the woman she now calls her wife. Sitting in Crissy Field, Ashwini smiled at Shree.

“What do you think of the Golden Gate Bridge?” she asked.

“It’s very pretty,” Shree replied.

Neither of them were looking at the bridge.


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القدوم الى أمريكا

بعد ان بُترت أرجلها في غارة جوية إسرائيلية على غزة، اضطرت ليان الباز أن تسافر أكثر من 6000 ميل بعيداً عن كل ما تعرفه لكي تتعلم كيف تمشي مجدداً. 

القدوم الى أمريكا

مجلة ذا اتافيست (The Atavist)، العدد 153


رنا ناطور هي صحفية ومنتجة فيديوهات حائزة على جوائز. نُشرت القصص التي انتجتها على برنامج ساعة الاخبار على بي بي سي (PBS Newshour)، وعلى الجزيرة بالإنجليزية، مور بيرفيكت يونيون (More Perfect Union)، واخبار سكريبز (Scripps News). كما نشرت كتاباتها في صحف كالغارديان (The Guardian) وفايس نيوز (Vice News). كما حصلت على ترشيح لجائزة ايمي مشترك لمساهمتها في حلقة خاصة لبرنامج نايتلاين (Nightline) بعنوان “الازمة في سوريا.” حازت مقالتها بعنوان “زوجة مُطلق النار” على جائزة من جمعية الصحفيين العرب والشرق اوسطيين.

ايمان محمد هي مصورة صحفية فلسطينية من غزة، تملك شغفا في التصوير ينبع من تراثها. بدأت مسيرتها من خلال توثيق الحياة تحت الاحتلال الإسرائيلي، وعرضت صورها في صحف الغارديان (The Guardian) ولو موند (Le Monde) وواشنطن بوست (The Washington Post) وغيرها من المنشورات، كما تم اقتناء اعمالها في المتحف البريطاني في لندن ومتحف هارن للفنون التابع لجامعة فلوريدا. وحصلت على زمالة تيد العليا عام 2019. كما نشرت سيرتها الذاتية المصورة بعنوان شقوق عدستي (The Cracks In My Lens) في عام 2022.

المحررة: سيوارد داربي
المخرج الفني: إد جونسون
محرر النسخ: شون كوبر
مُدققة الحقائق: ليلى حسان
المُترجم: عمار عوينة

Published in July 2024.


كانت دينا عساف تجلس في سيارتها المركونة خارج مطار اوهاير الدولي تترقب بينما يفتح باب صالة المطار ثم يغلق مرةً تلو الأخرى. وكانت قد سعت جاهداً مع زوجها بهاء للتحضير لهذه اللحظة لحد الإرهاق. وفي الكرس الخلفي للسيارة كانت بناتهم الثلاثة المفعمات بالحيوية يترقبن. البنات الثلاث سارة وسلمى وسرين كنّ قد وضعن علامة على هذا اليوم المنشود – السابع عشر من آذار /مارس 2024 – على الرزنامة قبل أسابيع عدة وكن سعيدات بقدوم هذا اليوم اخيراً. وكن يتدافعن كي يروا الأبواب بشكل أفضل وكل واحدة منهن كانت تأمل ان تكون اول من يلمح الشخص المُنتظر. هذا الشخص هو فتاة صغيرة مثلهم بلغت الرابعة عشرة من عمرها قبل ثلاثة أيام من وصولها. وحسبما قيل للأخوات إنها شخص غاية في الأهمية.

 الفتاة اسمها ليان الباز ذات الانف الدائري الصغير والصوت الخافت. معظم ما تعرفه عائلة عساف عن حياتها جاء من فيديوهات منشورة على الانترنت. في احدى المقاطع وصفت ليان فقدانها اثنتين من أخواتها وابنة اختها وابن اختها في غارة جوية إسرائيلية على غزة. كانت الفتاة تستخدم كرسي متحرك بسبب الإصابات التي تعرضت لها في القصف، والتي أجبرت الأطباء على بتر ساقيها. في فيديو اخر، صورته وكالة فرانس برس (Agence France-Press) بعد فترة قليلة من الغارة الجوية، ظهرت ليان ووجهها مُرقش بالحروق، تقول راجفةً وهي تتشبث بقناع الاكسجين بإحدى يديها “اُريدهم ان يعطوني أرجل حقيقية. لا اريد أطرافاً مزيفة.”

Read this story in English

ولكن، إذا تمكنت ليان من المشي مرةً أخرى فلن يكون هذا ممكناً الا باستخدام الأطراف الصناعية، وللحصول عليهم أتت للولايات المتحدة. عرضت مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال في شيكاغو، وهي مستشفى مختصة بطب العظام للأطفال عليها العلاج مجاناً. وبالرغم من كونهم غرباء تماماً عنها، إلا أن عائلة عساف فتحوا منزلهم لاستضافة ليان خلال فترة تلقيها العلاج.

سارة، أكبر بنات عائلة عساف، تبلغ من العمر 12 عاماً، مما يعني ان دينا وبهاء لديهم خبرة مباشرة في التعامل مع فتاة مراهقة تمر بدوامة من التغيرات. ولكن بالإضافة لهذه التغيرات كانت ليان تصارع اصابتها بعجز دائم وفقدانها لأحبائها على مدار أشهر من الحصار الإسرائيلي الوحشي على غزة، كما شهدت فظائع لا يراها إلا الجنود على جبهات القتال. لم تتوهم دينا ان استضافة ليان ستكون سهلة ولكنها اخبرتني: “لكني توقعت أكثر حزناً نوعاً ما.”

وعندما خرجت ليان من أبواب مطار اوهاير اخيراً، خزن بهاء الكرسي المتحرك في الصندوق ووضع ليان في الكرسي الخلفي بجانب بناته. دينا، والتي كانت تجلس في كرسي السائق، صُعقت عندما تحدثت ليان لأول مرة.

“ما صوت الطنين هذا؟” سألت ليان باللغة العربية، حيث أتت الى الولايات المتحدة دون ان تعرف أي كلمة باللغة الإنجليزية. وكان صوتها يعبر عن الانزعاج.  

ثم أجاب بهاء: “يجب على دينا ارتداء حزام الأمان.”

 “حسناً، ماذا تنتظرين بحق الجحيم؟” صاحت ليان، وهي تحدق في دينا “ارتدي الحزام اللعين. لقد تسببت لي بالصداع.”

تحولت ابتسامات سارة وسلمى وسرين المُترقبة الى عبوس مليء بالقلق، ودينا بدأت تتسأل بذاتها ما الذي ورطت نفسي فيه؟ وبدأت عائلة عساف تكتشف ان ضيفتهم غاضبة لدرجة لا تسمح لها حتى بأن تشعر بالحزن.

ليان الباز تنظر الى انعكاسها في المرأة خلال الرحلة لموعد العلاج الطبيعي في مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال في شيكاغو. الندوب على وجهها ناتجة عن الغارة الجوية الإسرائيلية التي أجبرت الأطباء على بتر رجليها.

في اللغة العربية، يُمكن ان يحمل جذر كلمة مبتور معنى أخر وهو “ناقص،” وهذه تبدو كإشارة انه من الممكن فصل شيئاً محوري للفرد لدرجة انه لا يمكن اعتباره كاملاً بعد ذلك. الشخص الذي يتعرض لبتر تعرض لتغيير عن النموذج المفترض للجسد، كالرواية التي يتم تمزيق فصول منها وتفقد جزءً حاسماً منها.

عند الحديث عن غزة، كل ما نملكه هو قصص مبتورة او فُتات من الحقيقة الكاملة. حتى أكثر نقطة بيانات مفصلية في أي حرب، وهي حصيلة القتلى، ناقصة. في وقت الكتابة، احصت السلطات الصحية في غزة اكثر من 39000 حالة وفاة، ولكن بسبب التدمير الحاصل للبنية التحتية في القطاع، وبسبب وجود العديد من الوفيات المدفونة عميقاً تحت الأنقاض والتي لا يمكن احصائها، فأن السلطات تُشدد في كل تقرير تصدره ان هذه الاحصائيات منقوصة.  في شهر حزيران/يونيو، نشرت مجلة ذا لانسيت (The Lancet) مقالاً يُقدر بأن الحصار الإسرائيلي قد ينتج عنه 186000 وفاة، أي 7.9 بالمئة من سكان غزة. ولكن اكتشاف الحصيلة الحقيقة قد يتطلب عدة سنوات، هذا إذا اكتشفناها اصلاً.

فيما يتعلق بالأطفال، بعض ما نعرفه انه بحلول شهر أيار قُتل حوالي 15000 طفل وأصيب 12000 بينما يُعتبر 21000 طفلاً في عداد المفقودين. فيما يتعلق بالمصابين، قال بعض الأطباء انهم عالجوا أطفال “مُزقت أجسادهم” بسبب القنابل، او سحقوا بسبب المباني المنهارة، او يعانوا من إصابات من طلقات نارية في الرأس. العديد من المرضى الأطفال بُترت واحدة او أكثر من سيقانهم او أذرعهم. لحد الان لا نملك سوى إحصائية وحيدة متعلقة بالصغار مبتوري الأطراف، وهي تقرير لمنظمة الأمم المتحدة للطفولة (يونيسف) يُبين انه بين السابع من تشرين الأول/اكتوبر والتاسع والعشرين من تشرين الثاني/نوفمبر عام 2023، فقد أكثر من 1000 طفل واحد او أكثر من اطرافهم. وقال متحدث باسم المنظمة في شهر حزيران/يونيو ان المنظمة لا تستطيع جمع احصائيات أكثر حداثة “بسبب التحديات الناتجة عن الظروف في الميدان.”

هذا متوقع، حيث يعتبر توفر الاحصائيات الرسمية على نطاق البلد لأعداد الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف عادةً نادراً في معظم الصراعات. ولكن ما هو واضح اننا نشهد أسرع واشد عملية تعجيز جماعية للأطفال في حياتنا. عندما ينقشع الغبار، قد تمتلك غزة أكبر عدد من الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف مقارنة بأي حرب في التاريخ الحديث.

د.غسان أبو ستة، اخصائي جراحة تجميلية وترميمية يختص في الإصابات التي يتعرض لها الأطفال في الصراعات والذي قضى اكثر من شهر في غزة يعمل مع منظمة أطباء بلا حدود في بداية الحرب، متيقن ان هذه ستكون الحقيقة على ارض الواقع. وحسبما قال لصحيفة النيويوركير (The New Yorker)، فأن تجربته في غزة زادت من إصراره على تقييم الحجم الكامل للازمة التي شهدها. أخبرني ابوستة وهو يضع يداه على جانب رأسه خلال محادثة عبر الفيديو من منزله في لندن: “خلال الـ 43 يوم التي قضيتها هناك، قمت بعمليات بتر أكثر ما قمت به خلال 20 عام من عملي كجراح في الحروب. اردت ان افهم الصورة الكاملة لما يحدث.”

بدأ ابوستة بالتواصل مع جراحين اخرين -بعضاً منهم عاد مؤخراً بعد فترة في غزة وبعضهم لا يزال هناك- وواحداً تلو الأخر قدموا تفاصيل تتماشى مع تجربته هناك. ابوستة أدرك ان ما يشاهده هو والأطباء الاخرين قد يؤدي الى رقم قياسي في عدد الحالات، وهذه كانت حقيقة مرة من اسوء أنواعها. وهو يقدر حالياً اعداد الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف في غزة بحوالي 4000 الى 4500 حتى الان.

ولوضع الأمور في سياقها فأنه حسب تقرير لاسوشيتد برس (Associated Press) فأنه خلال عامان ونصف من الصراع في أوكرانيا، فقد حوالي 20000 شخص واحد او اكثر من اطرافهم. وبحسب شهادات الطواقم الطبية والباحثين في مركز أبحاث الأطفال المصابين في انفجارات، وهو مشروع مشترك بين كلية لندن الإمبراطورية ومؤسسة انقاذ الطفل، فأن عدد الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف في أوكرانيا يبلغ حوالي 1200 حالة.

عند النظر لتقدير ابوستة لعدد الحالات من وجهة نظر أخرى وإذا نظرنا لمعدل عدد الطلاب في المدارس الحكومية في الولايات المتحدة وهو 550 طالب، فيمكننا التخيل أن هذا يعادل فقدان كافة الطلاب في 8 او 9 مدارس في منطقة تقريباً بحجم مدينة فيلادلفيا على الأقل واحد من اطرافهم. ونتخيل ايضاً ان عمليات البتر هذه جاءت بالتزامن من وابل من المَآسِي الأخرى كفقدان افراد من عائلاتهم واصدقائهم وجيرانهم ومدارسهم ومنازلهم.

بالإضافة لهذا لنتخيل ايضاً ان الأمل الوحيد لاستعادة أي شكل من الاستقرار الجسدي يتطلب من هؤلاء الأطفال مغادرة بيتهم حيث تم تدمير المصنع الوحيد للأطراف الصناعية في غزة ومركز إعادة التأهيل المرتبط به في غارة جوية إسرائيلية قبل عدة أشهر. ونتيجة لهذا، فأن العديد من العائلات التي بُترت أطراف أطفالهم يسعوا لإجلائهم للحصول على الرعاية الطبية في الخارج. العديد من الالتماسات المستميتة تملأ مواقع التواصل الاجتماعي والقليل منهم يحصل على ما يمكن وصفه بالتذكرة الرابحة للمنحوسين بشدة. الدول التي تستقبل الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف من غزة تستقبل اعداد قليلة جداً نسبياً منهم.

اما الأطفال الذين يجدوا طريقاً للخروج، فعليهم ان يركبوا الطائرة لمناطق بعيدة. وفي حالة ليان، فهذه المنطقة تبعد أكثر من 6000 ميل عن كل ما تعرفه وكل من تعرفه.

تجلس ليان في الكرس المتحرك خلال جلسة علاج طبيعي، بينما تمسك الام المستضيفة دينا عساف بأحد الأطراف الصناعية التجريبية التي ستستعملها ليان لحين تجهيز الأطراف الدائمة.

ترعرعت ليان في منطقة القرارة في ضواحي مدينة خان يونس، وهي الطفلة العاشرة في عائلة مكونة من 11 فرد.  معظم اخوتها واخواتها أكبر بكثير منها ولديهم أطفال تسميهم ليان “الشياطين الصغار،” والذين قاموا في احدى المرات بإشعال النار في الستائر للتسلية بينما كانت أمها ترعاهم. وكان والدها يعمل في مجال البناء في إسرائيل، وهذه تعتبر وظيفة ذات اجر جيد بالنسبة لفلسطينيي غزة إذا تمكنوا من اصدار تصريح. وكان والدها يبقى في إسرائيل خلال أيام الأسبوع ويعود في العطلة الأسبوعية للمنزل، بينما كانت ليان وأخيها الأصغر وسيم يتصارعوا من اجل الحصول على انتباهه من خلال إبلاغه بتجاوزات الاخر خلال غيابه.

ليان بدأت بارتداء الحجاب عندما كانت في الصف الخامس بسبب إصرار اعمامها المتشددين، والذين وصفتهم بأنهم “يتصورا أنفسهم انهم شيوخ.” لم تحب ليان ان يحدد أحداً ما يجب ان تعمله وهو أحد أسباب انسجامها مع صديقتها المفضلة سما. الفتاتان كانتا جريئتان وعابثتان. سما لم ترتدي الحجاب وفضلت ارتداء القمصان قصيرة الكم والبناطيل الضيقة ولم تتردد في رد الازدراء الذي قد يعبر عنه بعض الناس عند مرورها عنهم في الشارع بالمثل.

في بعض الأحيان، كانت ليان وسما يذهبن الى مطاعم في مدينة غزة حيث لا يتعرف عليهم أحد لكي يدعّوا انهن شابات صغيرات كي يروا من سيصدق هذه الخدعة. وكنّ يتحدوا بعضهن البعض في الشِعر ليروا من منهن تكتب مقطوعة شعرية أفضل. في احدى المرات، سرقن كتاب العمل الخاص بأحد المعلمين ووزعوا أسئلة الاختبار على زملائهم في الصف. ولكي يجعلوا صداقتهم المميزة رسمية أعطت سما لليان قلادة مُعلق عليها شمس بينما ارتدت سما قلادة متوافقة مُعلق عليها قمر.

في صباح يوم السابع من تشرين الأول/اكتوبر 2023، كانت ليان في طريقها للمدرسة عندما اخترق وابل من الصواريخ السماء فوق رأسها، مما جعلها تمسك طرف زيها وتركض نحو المنزل. وعند وصولها للمنزل اتصلت بسما.

“هل ستذهبين للمدرسة؟” سألت ليان.

واجابتها سما: “لا، انا خائفة جداً. “

كان منزل ليان قريباً من الحدود مع إسرائيل، وكانت قد اعتادت على البقاء في منزل اختها التي تسكن في عمق مدينة غزة كلما اندلع القتال بين حماس وإسرائيل. وهذا ما فعلته يوم السابع من تشرين الأول/اكتوبر، ولكن هذه المرة ذهبت ولم تعد. بعد مرور بضعة أيام من اعمال العنف، وصل والدا ليان خبراً مفاده ان منزلهم تم تدميره. وسرعان ما أصبحوا كالآلاف من الفلسطينيين غيرهم محشورين في ملجأ للحي ممتلئ عن بكرة ابيه.

وكانت سما تزور ليان في الملجأ. وفي أحد الأيام في منتصف شهر تشرين الأول/اكتوبر تشاجرت سما مع فتاة علقت ساخرة على ما كانت ترتديه. وحينها توسلت ليان لصديقتها لكي تتغاضى عما حصل، ولكن سما رفضت ذلك. وقالت ليان: “سما كانت منزعجة وفي نفس الوقت كانت مكتئبة. وكانت تريد ان تنفس عن غضبها.” قامت سما بمسك الفتاة من كتفها ودفعها نحو الحائط، ثم تدخلت والدة الفتاة وصفعت سما على وجهها. ثم تدخل افراد من عائلة ليان لردع سما ومنعها من الانتقام، بينما تجمع الناس حولهم للمشاهدة.

ابتسمت ليان بينما كانت تسترجع الحادثة. سما كما عرفتها لم تتراجع ابداً.

بعد مرور أربعة أيام على الحادثة، قُتلت سما مع معظم افراد عائلتها بعدما دمرت قنبلة إسرائيلية منزلهم. عندما اخبرتها إحدى اخواتها بوجود شهداء في مستشفى قريب يحملوا اسم عائلة سما، قامت ليان بالاتصال بهاتف صديقتها المحمول مراراً وتكراراً ولكن دون جدوى. وهرعت الى المستشفى ثم رأت والدة سما، لا تزال حية، في الرواق، “وقلت لنفسي حينها، لقد فقدنا سما،” استذكرت ليان.

سمعت ليان الأطباء يخبروا والدة سما انها يمكنها ان ترى ابنتها لأخر مرة، ولكن حذروها من ذلك، لأن جسد سما كان ممزق وسيكون مشهد شنيع. ثم هزت والدتها رأسها رافضة ان تراها.

ولكن ليان ارادت ان ترى صديقتها، ولم “أكن اكترث” بتحذيرات الأطباء حسبما قالت. “سما كانت حياتي كلها.”

ولكن ما رأته ليان لم يكن جسداً، كان عبارة عن “جذع وايدي،” كما روت. ولكنها وجدت الطمأنينة بتسلسل الاحداث هذا لأن سما لم تكن حية لترى ما سيحصل بعد تسعة أيام، حينما فقدت ليان سيقانها. وتقول ليان: “لو رأتني سما هكذا، كانت ستموت من الحزن.”

الغارة الجوية حدثت عند الرابعة صباحا يوم 27 تشرين الأول/اكتوبر. وكانت ليان تسكن مع عدة أعضاء من عائلتها في منزل اختها إخلاص، والتي انجبت طفلاً حديثاً أسمته “عودة،” بمعنى “الرجعة.”   وفي ذلك الوقت كانت ليان مستيقظة وكانت تستعد لمساعدة اختها الأخرى ختام في إعطاء الدواء لابنتها جنى البالغة من العمر خمسة أعوام. وقالت ليان: “كنت اتحرك باتجاهها عندما اصطدم الصاروخ وسقطتُ على الأرض.” ثم انهارت كتلة ضخمة من الاسمنت في الغرفة وكانت كبيرة لدرجة انها تهيأ لها انها ملأت المكان. “ختام وجنى قُتلتا فوراً تحت ناظري،” قالت ليان ” لهذا اليوم الصورة لا تفارق ذهني. حدثت امامي مباشرةً.”

بعد هذا اصطدم صاروخ اخر بالمبنى وشعرت ليان بجسدها يطير في الهواء. عند استرجاع الحادثة، تتذكر ليان بانها كانت تسقط، وتسقط، وتسقط، حيث هوى جسدها من ستة طوابق قبل ان يرتطم بالأرض. على الأرجح أن شدة الاصطدام هي ما هشمت ساقيها لحد غير قابل للترميم. وفي كل مكانٍ حولها، انهمرت الشظايا والحطام كالمطر.

وبعد مرور وقت، نقلت سيارة إسعاف ليان لمستشفى ناصر، وهو نفس المكان الذي شهد ولادة عودة قبل 48 ساعة. تذكرت ليان ان أحد الأطباء كان يقول “الى الثلاجة” كناية عن المشرحة عندما هرعوا لإدخالها، ولكن رد عليه أحد المسعفين قائلاً “لا، لا يزال لديها نبض، ولكنه ضعيف.”

أُخذت ليان لغرفة العمليات، حيث تم بتر ساقيها دون تخدير، لم تعي ما كان يحدث حولها ولم تشعر سوى بالألم الحارق. وكانت تصرخ “اليس لديكم أي رحمة،” ولكن صرخاتها لم تلق مجيباً.

ولكنها لم تستوعب ما حصل إلا في وقت لاحق، عندما كانت مستلقية على الحمالة في المصعد وتحسست مكان القطع في رجلها اليمنى، ثم صاحت “لقد قطعوا أرجلي!”

ما تذكرته بعد هذا هو استيقاظها في غرفة المستشفى، حيث تواجد والداها وعائلتها واصدقائها. “اول شيء سألتُ عنه هو القلادة،” قالت “هي الشيء الوحيد المتبقي لي من سما.” ثم ركضت صديقتها خلود نحو سريرها متبسمة لتطمأنها ثم قالت: “انها معي، يا ليان. سأعطيك إياها عندما تتحسن صحتك.” ولكن ليان علمت بعد هذا ان هذه لم تكُن الحقيقة، لعل خلود كانت تحاول طمأنتها من خلال الكذب عليها. القلادة فُقدت في غياهب الحطام في غزة صحبة هاتف ليان المحمول والذي يحتوي على كل ما تُقدسه من صور وفيديوهات لسما وعائلتها وحياتها قبل الحرب.

سألت ليان والدها عما حدث لمن كانوا في المنزل عندما اصطدم به الصاروخ، لأنها لم تثق بذاكرتها، وأجاب والدها: ” الله يرحمهم.” ختام وجنى لم يكونوا الضحايا الوحيدين للقصف، بل رافقهم إخلاص والرضيع عودة كذلك.

في تلك الليلة حاولت والدة ليان غسل شعرها المتلبد بسبب بقايا الدماء والتراب والحطام، ولكنها سرعان ما يئست من المحاولة.  “بناتها قتلوا، واحفادها قتلوا، كيف يمكن ان يتوقع أحد منها ان تجلس لتنظف شعري،” قالت ليان. بدلاً من ذلك قامت والدتها بإحضار مقص وقص شعرها بالكامل.

ليان تضحك وهي تمسك فاتورة في متجر. منذ إجلائها، قدر برنامج الأغذية العالمي يواجه 96 بالمئة من سكان غزة انعدامًا حادًا في الأمن الغذائي، وإن المنطقة تواجه خطر مجاعة قائم.

في الأشهر القليلة التالية، خضعت ليان لخمس عمليات جراحية، ولم تكن تحت التخدير إلا في واحدة منها.  وحاربت الحمى والالتهابات والاضطرابات الكلوية، ولكن حالتها النفسية المتدهورة كانت أكبر مُسبب للقلق لعائلتها. عندما خرجت من مستشفى ناصر بسبب الحاجة لاستخدام سريرها بعد قدوم موجة جديدة من الضحايا، أعادها والديها الى الملجأ الذي يسكنوا فيه، ولكن كان من الواضح ان ليان لم تكن بحالة تسمح بوجودها حول الغرباء المتلصصين. لذا، اخذوها لمنزل جدها وجدتها، وهو عبارة عن بناية متعددة الطوابق تعج بالأقرباء والأصدقاء والجيران المُهجرين.

ولكن الأمور ازدادت سوءاً، ومجرد النظر الى الناس وهم يمشوا أصبح يُغضب ليان، ورؤية الأطفال يركضوا ويلعبوا كان أكبر من قدرتها على الاحتمال. عمها احمد حاول السيطرة على الوضع وأمر الفتيات الاخريات في المبنى أن “يتركوها لوحدها. ممنوع ان يتكلم أحد مع ليان.” كلما ارادات ان تبحث عن متنفس على سطح المبنى، كان يقوم عمها بإخلاء الممر والمصعد لكي تصل للسطح دون أي عقبات.

 عندما يفقد طفلاً أحد اطرافه فالوقت غاية في الأهمية، حيث ان سرعة الحصول على الرعاية وإعادة التأهيل المتخصصان تزيد من فرصهم في التأقلم جسدياً على المدى البعيد. أخت ليان اريج والتي تعيش في أوروبا بعثت رسائل لعدة اشخاص على أمل ان يقدموا المساعدة. ثم قام أحد الصحفيين يدعى محمد الشاعر بنشر منشور عن ليان على حسابه على انستغرام، حيث يملك اكثر من 100 الف متابع.

وبعد فترة وجيزة، لفتت قصة ليان انتباه رجل امريكي في العقد الرابع من عمره يُدعى ستيف سوسيبي.سوسيبي صاحب العيون شديدة الزراق والبنية المتينة يشبه لاعب كرة قدم سابق أكثر من كونه عامل إغاثة لفترة طويلة، ينحدر من اوهايو وعمل في تسعينات القرن الماضي كصحفي مستقل في غزة، مما الهمه ليؤسس جمعية إغاثة أطفال فلسطين  (PCRF) الخيرية لنقل الأطفال المرضى والمصابين الى الولايات المتحدة الامريكية لتلقي الرعاية الطبية مجاناً. سوسيبي شهد صراعات في غزة في الماضي ولكن يرى ان ما يحدث حالياً مُختلف تماماً، حيث قالً: “انها عملية إبادة جماعية. خلال عملي لأكثر من ثلاثين عام هناك لم أرى أي شيء يشبه ما يحدث حالياً.”

بسبب وجود توثيق مرئي على الانترنت على مدار الساعة للفظائع المرتكبة، قال العديد من المحاميين الحقوقيين أن العالم يشهد إبادة جماعية على البث المباشر. وهذا ما يتفق عليه عدد متزايد من الخبراء القانونيين. في شهر كانون الثاني /يناير، أمرت محكمة العدل الدولية إسرائيل بأن تتخذ “كل التدابير الممكنة في قدرتها لمنع” أعمال الإبادة الجماعية “ومنع ومعاقبة التحريض المباشر والعلني لارتكاب الإبادة الجماعية.” كما أصدرت المحكمة قراراً اخراً في شهر تموز/يوليو ينص ان السياسات الاستيطانية الإسرائيلية في الأراضي الفلسطينية غير قانونية. بالإضافة لذلك فقد قدمت المحكمة الجنائية الدولية طلبات لإصدار أوامر قبض ضد رئيس الوزراء الإسرائيلي بنيامين نتنياهو ووزير الدفاع يوآف غالانت بسبب جرائم الحرب والجرائم ضد الإنسانية، بما يشمل ” تجويع المدنيين كأسلوب من أساليب الحرب،” و ” تعمد توجيه هجمات ضد السكان المدنيين،” و “الاضطهاد،” و “الإبادة.” كما قدمت المحكمة الجنائية الدولية طلبات لأوامر قبض ضد ثلاثة من قادة حماس.

في بداية عام 2024، مع ازدياد القصف على غزة، أطلق سوسيبي منظمة غير حكومية جديد تدعى هييل (HEAL) فلسطين أي منظمة الصحة والتعليم والإغاثة والقيادة لفلسطين. بالشراكة بينهم، تقوم جمعية إغاثة أطفال فلسطين وهييل بإجلاء الأطفال المصابين في الصراع لدول اجنبية، بما في ذلك الولايات المتحدة. وهذا العمل يتطلب كمية هائلة من الجهد والأموال والبنية التحتية التنظيمية. وقامت هييل بإجلاء تسعة أطفال مبتوري الأطراف منذ الخريف الماضي. اما ليان، فقد حصلت على الموافقة لتلقي العلاج في مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال في بداية عام 2024 ثم سافرت الى مصر مع احدى قريباتها للحصول على تأشيرة للولايات المتحدة. منذ ذلك الحين، قامت إسرائيل ببسط سيطرتها على معبر رفح الحدودي مع مصر، مما يعرقل الإجلاء الطبي. وبحسب تقرير من شبكة سي بي اس الإخبارية (CBS News) في تموز/يوليو ، فأن “عُمال الإغاثة يقولوا أن هذا جعل إنقاذ الأطفال شبه مستحيل.” وبالرغم من هذا، فأن هييل تعمل حالياً من اجل نقل 12 طفلاً مبتوري الأطراف لخارج غزة.

معظم المنتفعين من خدمات هييل يسافروا مع مُرافق – اما أحد والديهم او اخد الاخوة الأكبر سناً، على سبيل المثال – ويسكنوا إما في إسكان المستشفى او مع عائلات متطوعة تسكن بالقرب من مكان تلقيهم العلاج. ولكن منظمة هييل ارتأت انه من الأسهل الحصول على مكان إقامة لليان إذا أتت للولايات المتحدة لوحدها. اخت ليان القاطنة في أوروبا، والتي أصبحت نقطة التواص الرئيسية مع هييل بسبب الانقطاعات في الاتصالات في غزة أيدت المنظمة بأن ليان يجب ان تسافر لوحدها إذا عنى ذلك تلقيها الرعاية دون الحاجة للانتظار أكثر. ليان اشتاطت غضباً بسبب سفرها لوحدها قائلة: “الكل أتى مع مرافق. الكل باستثنائي.”

 وصلت ليان الى شيكاغو وهي مُصرة على اثبات نفسها للغرباء الذين ستعيش معهم.

تنزل ليان على السلالم بمساعدة اخصائية العلاج الطبيعي. جراح تقويم العظام المسؤول عن حالتها حذّر انها إذا عادت لغزة سوف تتلف أطرافها الصناعية بسرعة بسبب الركام.

عائلة عساف تنحدر من الأردن، حيث أتت دينا الى الولايات المتحدة بعمر الخامسة وبهاء بسن الثامنة عشر، وتعرفوا على بعضهم في دورة للغة الإنجليزية في الكلية المجتمعية. بهاء البالغ من العمر 40 عاماً يعمل حالياً كرئيس القسم المالي في معرض سيارات، اما دينا البالغة من العمر 38 عاماً فهي ربة منزل. العائلة تتابع الاخبار القادمة من غزة عن كثب وتعارض الحرب، كما شارك بهاء في مظاهرات محلية مطالبة بوقف إطلاق نار. وعلم بهاء عن حالة ليان من خلال صديق لديه ارتباط مع منظمة هييل. وبعد التصويت، اتفق دينا وبهاء وبناتهم بالإجماع على استقبال ليان في منزلهم.

دينا وبهاء كانا عاقدا العزم على جعل ليان تشعر كأنها جزء من عائلتهم وأنها لا تختلف عن بناتهم. وقرروا وضعها في غرفة في الطابق العلوي حيث ينام الجميع بالرغم من توفر غرفة في الطابق الأرضي حيث الوصول أسهل، لأنهم لم يريدوها ان تشعر بالعزلة. كما تأكدوا من وجود نفس إطار التخت والزينة ودمى الحيوانات المحشوة الموجودة في غرف بناتهم في نهاية الرواق.

خلال الرحلة من مطار اوهاير، أعلنت ليان بأنها لا تريد أي علاقة بعائلة عساف وتريد ان تبقى في غرفتها طوال الوقت. وعندما رأت مكان إقامة عائلة عساف، وهو منزل طوب كبير، امتعضت قائلة انه لا بد أن دينا وبهاء يعملوا كتجار مخدرات والا لن يستطيعوا تحمل تكلفة شراء منزل كهذا. ولكن دينا اجابت “كل ما في الأمر اننا نعمل بجد،” ثم قهقهت ليان بصوتٍ عالٍ لدرجة انه أفزع دينا.

رفضت ليان ان تسمح لبهاء بحملها على الدرج للوصول لغرفتها، وبدلاً من ذلك قامت بدفع نفسها للنزول على الكرسي المتحرك وتسلقت على الدرج لوحدها مستخدمة يديها لتأرجح افخاذها من درجة لدرجة ببراعة تضاهي براعة لاعبي الجمباز على عارضة التوازن. وعندما رأت ليان الغرفة التي حضرها لها دينا وبهاء، برقت عيناها وقالت “انها كبيرة،” ولم يسعها الى ان تبتسم ابتسامة طفيفة رغماً عن ذاتها.

بعد هذا أدركت عائلة عساف ان ليان كانت تخشى من العلاج الطبي الذي سافرت كل هذه المسافة لتلقيه، حيث انها قضت عدة أسابيع في المستشفى مسبقاً ولم تريد تكرار هذه التجربة. إلا ان مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال معتاد على التعامل مع الأطفال الذين يحتاجوا للبقاء للمستشفى لفترات طويلة، ومرافقه مهيئة ليشعر الأطفال بأنهم مرحب بهم. ان مجمع المستشفى مُزين بجداريات زاهية ويحتوي على طاولة للعب تنس الطاولة، كما يستضيف “يوم الابطال الخارقين،” حيث يقوم متطوعين بارتداء أزياء خاصة وتوزيع رداءات على للمرضى.

 خلال أولى زياراتها للمستشفى، التقت ليان بالمختصين المسؤولين عن علاجها وهم د.جيفري اكمان، جراح العظام للأطفال، وشون مالك، اخصائي الأطراف الصناعية وتقويم العظام المرخص، وانجيلا غورينو، اخصائية العلاج الطبيعي ذات الشعر الأشقر المائل للاحمرار والطابع البشوش.  ويعمل الفريق عن كثب لمساعدة ليان في إعادة التأهيل ومراقبة كل جزء من جسدها، أي العضلات، والعظام، والأعصاب، والجلد، للتأكد من تأقلمها مع استخدام الأطراف الصناعية في حياتها.

هناك اعتقاد دارج لدى أطباء عظام الأطفال بأنه خلال العمل مع مبتوري الأطراف، إذا طال جلوسهم في الكرسي يبدؤا بالتحول ليشبهوا هذا الكرسي أكثر فأكثر. يريد الأطباء ان يبدأ الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف باستخدام الأطراف الصناعية بأسرع وقت ممكن، وليان قد فقدت وقتاً ثميناً اصلاً. خلال الستة أشهر التي انقضت منذ عملية البتر، لم تتلقى أي علاج طبيعي، كما اختل توازن اوراكها بسبب اعتيادها على الميل على اتجاه واحد عند الجلوس في الكرسي المتحرك. من دون التدخل، يمكن ان يصيبها تقلص في الورك بمعنى حصول تضييق في أنسجة المفصل بطريقة تُثبت جسدها بموضع غير طبيعي للأبد. خلال عملية إعادة التأهيل، تحتاج ليان لارتداء مقوّم للظهر والورك لتصحيح توازن جسدها بالإضافة لارتداء جوارب ضغط للتقليل من الالتهاب في ما تبقى من رجليها. كما تحتاج الى القيام بتمارين الإطالة بشكل متكرر من اجل استقامة الجذع السفلي.

في ذات الوقت، كل واحدة من أرجل ليان شكلت تحدي قائم بذاته يعيق تعافيها، حيث ان رجلها اليسرى بُترت من فوق الركبة أي أن الطرف الاصطناعي على هذه الجهة يحتاج إضافة مفصل ركبة ميكانيكي يجب ان تتعلم كيفية استعماله. اما رجلها اليُمنى فأن الركبة لا تزال موجودة، ولكن الجلد الذي يحيط بها ممتلئ بالندوب ومحتمل أيضا وجود شظايا متداخلة به، مما يُصعب تركيب طرف اصطناعي لها. بالمجمل، فأن تعلم ليان المشي مجدداً يضاهي اتقان آلتين موسيقيتين وعزفهم في ذات الحين.

ليان لم تكن صبورة، وفي اول جلساتها العلاجية، ركب لها الطاقم أطراف تجريبية – وهي عبارة عن أرجل ألية المظهر تستخدم لغايات التدريب – وثم حاولت الإسراع لتصل الى جهاز الركض في الزاوية. “كان هذا حرفياً في اول يوم،” تقول غورينو “لم أكن اعرفها سوى لخمس دقائق حينها.”

ولكن ليان ايضاً سريعة التعلم. في البداية أراد الطاقم ان تبقى في مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال لمدة أسبوعين لتلقي العلاج المكثف، وبعد هذه الفترة تعود لمنزل عائلة عساف لبضعة أشهر تزور خلالها المستشفى في مواعيد دورية. ولكنها قامت بأداء جيد جداً في اول أسبوع وكانت منزعجة بسبب اضطرارها النوم في المستشفى مما دفع الطاقم ليقرر ان تعود لمنزل عائلة عساف مبكراً بشرطٍ واحد، وهو ان تقوم دينا بوعدهم ان تخبئ الارجل الصناعية عن ليان، لأنها قدد تتعرض لإصابة بالغة إذا حاولت استخدامهم دون رقابة.

عندما عادت ليان لمنزل عائلة عساف بعد قضائها أسبوع في مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال، سارة وسلمى وسيرين كنّ يختبئن خلف باب المنزل الرئيسي ثم انقضوا وأطلقوا حفن من الأوراق الملونة عند دخول ليان على الكرسي الذي تجره دينا. في تلك الليلة، دينا اخذت الأطراف الصناعية معها للسرير وخلدت للنوم بوجود الأطراف بينها وبين بهاء.

بهاء عساف، وليان، وسارة عساف (من اليسار الى اليمين) يضحكوا بينما يلعبوا لعبة سكيب-بو خلال ليلة الألعاب العائلية.

ومع مرور الأسابيع، تبدد غضب ليان الموجه نحو العائلة المستضيفة لها، حيث كانت دينا تجيب على نوبات الانفعال دون إظهار مشاعرها، وأصبحت ليان تحترم الحدود التي يتم وضعها لها، حتى لو أصبحت الكلمة الوحيدة التي اتقنتها باللغة الإنجليزية هي “لا.” ليان وسلمى وسارة، وطدوا علاقتهم بسبب حبهم المشترك للتجميل والرعاية بالبشرة. اما سيرين وهي أصغر فتيات عائلة عساف وتبلغ من العمر خمسة أعوام، كانت مبهورة بضيف عائلتها المميز وخبأت الأغراض الصغيرة التي اعطتها إياها ليان في شنتة ظهر مُزينة برسمات فراولة، بما في ذاك حوت لعبة ووعاء من السلايم زهري اللون.

لكن لم تغب غزة عن ذهن ليان، وفي احدى المرات شاركت فيديو مع دينا كانت تشاهده كل ما تشعر بالاشتياق لأخواتها. ويُظهر الفيديو والد ليان يقف بجانب جثثهن بعد سحبها من الركام ولفهن بأكفان على عجل. بدون هاتفها النقال وخزينة صور العائلة المحفوظة عليه، هذه كانت الطريقة الوحيدة التي يمكن لليان ان ترى بها أخواتها ختام وإخلاص.

في عصر يوم ثلاثاء في شهر نيسان/أبريل، تلقت ليان مكالمة هاتفية اعادتها لفظائع الحرب. بينما كانت دينا تقوم بتنظيف المنزل استعداداً لاستضافة إفطار رمضاني بعد نهاية يوم من الصيام، أتت سيرين لها وقالت والصدمة تعلو وجهها “امي، اعتقد ان ليان تعاني من خطبٍ ما.” ثم سمعت دينا الصراخ في الأعلى.

هرعت دينا لغرفة ليان ووجدتها في كرسيها المتحرك. “لماذا يحدث هذا؟” قالت ليان باكية “لقد فقدت الكثير من الناس.”

كانت ليان قد تلقت اتصال من قريبها ليخبرها ان والدها واخاها الأكبر كرم قد قتلوا في إطلاق نار من طائرة إسرائيلية على موقع الخيمة التي كانوا يسكنوا فيها. دينا قالت لليان ان تهدأ وتتنفس، ولكن ليان صاحت: “من سيعتني بعائلتي. من سيطعمهم؟” كان والدها وكرم مُعيلي العائلة وكانوا يعتنوا بأطفال اقربائهم الذين قتلوا في غارات جوية سابقة.  ليان صرخت تستجدي لله متمنية ان تعرف لماذا يحصل هذا.

 ركضت دينا لتبلغ بهاء في مكان عمله واخبرته انه يجب ان يُبلغ جميع المدعوين للعشاء ان العشاء تم الغاءه. وعندما عادت دينا للغرفة وجدت ليان تلطم.

وقالت ليان: “انظري الي. يا ليتني مت بدلاً منهم.”

“لا تقولي هذا،” قالت دينا “لماذا تتحدثي هكذا.”

“انظري الي” انفعلت ليان قائلة بصوت مليء بالازدراء “ليس لدي أرجل.” ثم سألت: “هل يمكنك رؤية وجهي؟” مُشيرة الى ندبة متعرجة تمتد من طرف شعرها لقصبة انفها.

وفي موجة من الحزن وكره الذات استمرت ليان بالقول: “لن أكون طبيعية ابداً. من قد يرغب بزواج فتاة مثلي؟” هل سأطلب من زوجي ان يساعدني بإزالة رجلي الصناعية عند الذهاب للسرير في الليل للنوم؟ من سيفعل هذا؟ من يتقبل هذا؟ إذا كان هناك أحد يجب ان يموت فهو انا.”

 دينا تمكنت من اقناع ليان بأن تخبرها مع من تحدثت على الهاتف، وعندما أدركت دينا انها لم تتحدث مع قريب من الدرجة الأولى، تواصلت مع وكيل لمنظمة هييل وطلبت منه ان يجد احداً في الميدان في غزة يمكنه تعقب عائلة ليان لاكتشاف ما حصل.

بعد فترة وجيزة، علمت دينا ان كرم لا يزال على قيد الحياة بالرغم من اصابته برصاصة في كتفه، وأن والد ليان مصاب وحالته حرجة. ولكن، أحد اخوة ليان الأخرين وهو ناجي البالغ من العمر 17 عاماً هو من قُتل.

 دينا نقلت الخبر لليان. ثم تبين ان ناجي كان قد اتصل ثلاث مرات في اليوم السابق لكنها لم تُجيب. “كان يجب ان اجيب على الهاتف، لماذا لم اُجيب؟” قالت ليان باكية.

وفي الأسبوع التالي لوفاة ناجي، خافت ليان من النوم بعد غياب الشمس، وقالت لدينا “انا أكره الليل. أتمنى لو لم يأتي الليل.” عندما يتأخر الوقت ويعم الصمت لا تفلح ليان في إيقاف افكارها المتسارعة.

طلبت ليان من بهاء ودينا ان يسهروا معها حتى الفجر، وحاولوا قصارى جهدهم حيث لعبوا عدد لا يحصى من جولات لعبة سكيب-بو وشاهدوا حلقة تلو الأخرى من المسلسلات التركية حتى وقت متأخر من الليل. في النهاية، يضطر بهاء للذهاب للنوم لأنه لديه عمل في الصباح بينما تُكمل دينا الوردية لوحدها. في بعض الأحيان يغلب دينا النوم، وتبدأ ليان بالبكاء لدرجة تيقظها من النوم.

لا تخلد ليان للنوم إلا عندما يستيقظ جميع افراد المنزل وتشرق الشمس.

تساعد ليان سلمى عساف على وضع المكياج. ليان، والتي سافرت للولايات المتحدة لوحدها، انسجمت مع بنات عائلة عساف بعد فترة وجيزة. 

عندما تواصلت مع عائلة عساف لأول مرة حول اجراء مقابلة مع ليان، وصفها بهاء بأنها فتاة لطيفة قائلاً “لا يبدو عليها انها مرت بما مرت به.” ثم تحدثت مع ليان على الهاتف وكانت مُنفتحة لمقابلتي وايمان محمد، وهي مصورة من أصول غزاوية تعمل في الولايات المتحدة. وقبل أيام قليلة من السفر الى شيكاغو لمقابلتها، بدأت التحذيرات بالظهور. مُنسقة المرضى في منظمة هييل في ذلك الوقت دنيا سعد، اخبرتني ان ليان “قد تكون مُتقلبة المزاج،” ولديها عادة في تغيير رأيها على هواها. كما وضحت لي دينا انني “لا يجب ان أخذ أي شيء تقوله على محمل شخصي.”

في وسط نيسان، عندما وصلت الى باب منزل عائلة عساف، استقبلتنا دينا وهي ترتدي قميص حرير وردي مكوي، وكان في شعرها خصل شقراء بين شعرها المنساب. وتتحدث باللغة الإنجليزية بلهجة طفيفة.

ثم ظهرت سارة بابتسامتها العريضة وهي تدفع ليان على كرسيها المتحرك للأمام، ولكن ليان لم تكن تبتسم. كانت تحدق الينا بهدوء وقالت وهي تقلب اعينها “حسناً، دعنا ننتهي من هذا الامر.” ثم استدارت في كرسيها وذهبت لغرفة المعيشة.

ثم جلسنا مع دينا على اريكة زاوية بينما حددت ليان كيف سيمضي اليوم، وقالت “لا أريدكم ان تظهروا إصابتي في الصور. ” كنا قد تحدثنا مسبقاً على الهاتف حول الصور وكانت ليان قد وافقت على ان تدع ايمان تصورها، ولكني أدركت ان ليان الان تختلف عما كانت عليه قبل عدة أسابيع. كان علينا ان نحترم – ونرضى بـ – الشخص الموجود امامنا.

ليان لا تحب أن ينظر الغرباء الى أرجلها المبتورة ولا تريد شفقتهم، وهي بالتأكيد ليست مهتمة بإلقاء نظرة على حياتهم السعيدة والغير متأثرة بالحرب او الفقدان.

كان من الواضح ان ليان تهتم بمظهرها. في سن الرابع عشر، وعيها الذاتي حول مظهرها يكون شديد في كل الأحوال ولكن بسبب البتر التي تعرضت له فهذا الوعي كان مفرط بشدة. كانت ترتدي بذلة رياضية من نوع كالفن كلاين وكانت عيناها مُحددة بلون ابيض، وذكرني وجهها الدائري الجميل بسيلينا غوميز. وفي احدى المرات اخبرتها مُترجمة في المستشفى بانها تشبه المغنية اللبنانية الشهيرة ماريتا، ويبدو ان هذا اسعد ليان.

ليان اخبرتنا انها لا تريد ان تكون محط للشفقة، وصاحت ثم رمت قارورة المياه على الأرض قائلة “المستقبل امامي. لن اتحمل إذا بحثت عن اسمي على جوجل عندما اكبر وكان وكل ما اراه هو صور لي وانا مصابة.” كانت تطالب بأن تحافظ على جزء من السيطرة على ظروفها، كما فعلت عندما قابلت عائلة عساف لأول مرة. كما رفضت بإصرار ان تصبح اعاقتها هي كل ما يعرف عنها.

وافقنا على ان ننفذ رغبة ليان فيما يتعلق بالصور ثم تحدثنا معها عن حياتها، والسابع من تشرين الأول/اكتوبر، والغارة الجوية التي بعثرت عائلتها. في مرحلة ما، اخذ الحديث منحنى فلسفي وتناقشنا حول طبيعة البشر وإذا كانوا طيبين بالفطرة. ليان عارضت هذه الفكرة بشدة، واستشهدت بدليل انه تم بتر رجليها دون تخدير، مُفترضة ان ذلك كان خيار الأطباء. “كنت اصرخ بشدة وفقدت وعيّ بسبب عُلو صراخي،” قالت لنا ثم أصدرت صوتاً بلسانها تعبيراً عن استيائها “بعد كل هذا، تريد ان تخبريني ان هناك خير في العالم؟”

وعندما أشرنا ان حجم الدمار في غزة أدى لافتقار العديد من المستشفيات للمقومات الأساسية، أصدرت ذات الصوت بلسانها وسألت: “انا اصبت في بداية الحرب، كيف نفذت المواد بهذه السرعة؟ لأنهم يعطوا هذه المواد فقط للأفراد أصحاب النفوذ.”

بدت كلماتها كأنها محاولة لتفسير ما لا معنى له ولتصارع الحقيقة المؤلمة وهي ان البالغين في حياتها عجزوا عن حمايتها من الكارثة التي حلت بها. من خلال اعتقادها ان الأطباء اختاروا إيذائها، فهي على الأقل تخلق منفذاً لتنفيس غضبها.

تقوم اخصائية العلاج الطبيعي بتعديل الأطراف الصناعية التجريبية لليان تحضيراً لتدريبها على المشي.

وضعنا خطة لنرافق ليان لجلسة العلاج الطبيعي في اليوم التالي، ولكن عندما وصلنا لمنزل عائلة عساف في الصباح، كان هناك ازمة تظهر للعيان. في محاولة للتخطيط للمستقبل، طلب ستيف سوسيبي ان يُرافق أحد متطوعي منظمة هييل ليان للموعد الطبي المحدد بعد بضعة أيام بدلا من دينا، ولكن هذا اغضب ليان ورفضت ان تنزل للطابق السفلي. “انا لست سلعة يتم تأجيرها لهؤلاء الأشخاص،” صاحت ليان بينما كانت دينا تقف هادئة في المطبخ وتملئ كوب وردي من نوع ستانلي بالماء، ثم اضافت ليان “هذه جلسة علاجي. لا اريد أي غرباء هناك.”

أبرز هذا الخلاف الحقيقة المزعجة المرتبطة في بعض الأحيان بتلقي الاعمال الخيرية. تعتمد المنظمات الغير حكومية كهييل على شبكة من المتطوعين والمانحين، وهم اشخاص متلهفين لمساعدة طفل خرج من غزة لدرجة انهم قد يستقبلوهم في المطار في بعض الأحيان محضرين صوراً وبالونات، ويدعوهم لتناول العشاء وللأنشطة العائلية وحدائق الملاهي. وهذا من ناحية أخرى يتطلب ان يمثل الطفل دوراً معينة وهو ان يبتسم ويقف لالتقاط الصور ويعبر عن امتنانه.

ليان لا تحب أن ينظر الغرباء الى أرجلها المبتورة ولا تريد شفقتهم، وهي بالتأكيد ليست مهتمة بإلقاء نظرة على حياتهم السعيدة والغير متأثرة بالحرب او الفقدان.

تنفست دينا الصعداء عندما علمت ان برنامج متطوع منظمة هييل لا يسمح لهم بحضور الموعد مع ليان. ولكن الان أصبحت الساعة تقريباً 11:30 وتأخرنا على مغادرة المنزل حيث تتطلب الطريق للمستشفى رحلة بالسيارة لمدة ساعة. نادت دينا وهي تنظر لأعلى السلالم قائلة “هيا يا ليان. انه ليس يوم عرسك، أسرعي.”

عندما خرجت ليان اخيراً، كانت ترتدي سترة لونها ازرق مُخضر وبنطال قصير متناسق مع السترة.  وضعت دينا حبتان كبيرات من المثبطات العصبية في يدها للمساعدة في تخفيف ألم وهم الاطراف، حيث شعرت ليان في بعض الأحيان بصدمة كهربائية تسير في مكان بتر رجليها وكأن جسدها ينادي على الأجزاء المفقودة منه التي لم تعد في مكانها.

عند الوصول للمستشفى، بدت ليان سعيدة برؤية أخصائية العلاج الطبيعي حيث حضنتها ونادت على اسمها مع مد مقاطعه دلالة على الود: “أننننجيييييييييلللااههه.” وبعد ذلك من خلال ترجمة دينا من اللغة العربية، علقت ليان ان غورينو كانت تضع مسكارا في ذلك اليوم. وكانت ليان دائماً تنتبه عندما تغير غورينو أي شي بمظهرها.

ثم أوضحت غورينو: “اليوم عيد ميلاد زوجي.”

وردت ليان قائلة “او لا لا!” وهي تغمز.

الهدف الرئيسي من العلاج هو جعل ليان تمشي باستخدام الأطراف الصناعية مع مساعدة تقل تدريجياً مع الوقت. وكانت غورينو قد ساعدتها على التقدم من استخدام أداة مساعدة المشي للانتقال لاستخدام عكازان تحت الكتف الى استخدام عكاز واحد فقط. ثم كانت حينها ليان مربوطة بحبل معلق على سكة في السقف مما يخولها بالمشي لوحدها. غورينو كانت تمسك الطرف الاخر من الحبل وتسحبه عندما تتعثر ليان، لتمسكها قبل ان تسقط على الأرض.

اما شون مالك، اخصائي الأطراف الصناعية، كان يشاهد حركة ليان عن كثب، وكان في بعض الأحيان يجري تعديلات على الأطراف الصناعية التجريبية، حيث كان يراقب مواصفات جسدها لكي يصمم الارجل المخصصة لها. وستكون هذه جاهزة خلال عدة أسابيع.

خلال الجلسة، جر مالك مرآة كامل ووضعها أمام ليان. وكان قد أخبرني “انها تحب النظر في المرآة.” كانت ليان تتمختر عند رؤية انعكاسها في المرآة، وكانت تتمايل بكل خطوة وتتمتم اغنية بالعربية بينها وبين نفسها لم أتمكن من سماعها.

سمحت ليان لإيمان بالتقاط بعض الصور لها وهي ترتدي الأطراف الصناعية ولكنها أبعدت الكاميرا عنها عندما كانت غورينو تقوم بتمارين الإطالة لجسدها دون الأطراف الصناعية. عندها، تذكرت الفيديو المؤلم الذي قالت فيه انها تريد أرجل حقيقة وليس صناعية، ولكن يبدو الان ان ما تريده ليان هو ان يراها العالم واقفة على قدميها، حتى لو كانوا مزيفات. ارادت ان تقف منتصبة القامة ببسالة وتكو جاهزة لاي شيء قد تواجهه.

تقف ليان في الحديقة الخلفية لمنزل عائلة عساف.

تتمكن منظمة هييل وغيرها من المنظمات التي تقوم بأعمال مشابهة من الحصول على تأشيرات للولايات المتحدة للأطفال كليان بناءً على شروط معينة. ومن هذه الشروط أن الذين تم اجلائهم لأسباب طبية لا يمكنهم تقديم طلب للحصول على لجوء سياسي ويجب ان يغادروا الدولة فور استكمال علاجهم. من منظور الحكومة الامريكية فأن مثل هذه القيود تهدف الى تفادي تحول برامج كـ هييل الى أساليب للتحايل على قوانين الهجرة.

لعدة سنوات كان سوبيسي راضٍ لحد عن هذا التفاهم. وفي معظم الأحيان كان الأطفال الذين تلقوا علاج مختص في الولايات المتحدة قادرين على الحصول على المتابعة التي يحتاجوها في الوطن، حيث كان النظام الصحي في غزة قوي كفاية للتعامل مع هذا. ولكن حصار إسرائيل قد غير هذه المعادلة. بحسب البيانات في شهر أيار/مايو، جرى اكثر من 450 هجوم على المرافق الطبية وتم تدمير او الحاق الضرر بـ 31 من اصل 36 مستشفى في غزة. والمستشفيات التي لا تزال عاملة عليها التركيز على الرعاية الطارئة وإنقاذ الحياة، عندما تتوفر الموارد. في تصريح في شهر حزيران/يونيو، قالت المنسقة الطبية لأطباء بلا حدود في فلسطين، غييميت توما: “إمداداتنا الطبية قليلة للغاية بسبب محدودية تدفق المساعدات التي تسمح السلطات الإسرائيلية بدخولها إلى غزة. وإذا لم نتمكن من جلب الإمدادات الطبية إلى غزة في القريب العاجل، فقد نضطر إلى وقف أنشطتنا الطبية.” وأضافت “لدينا مرضى يعانون من حروق شديدة وكسور مفتوحة، وليس لدينا حتى المسكنات الكافية لتخفيف معاناتهم.”

بسبب الوضع الحالي في غزة، فهناك سؤال فظيع يتبادر للذهن وهو: ماذا لو سافرت ليان هذه المسافة الكبيرة للولايات المتحدة لكي تتعلم المشي مجدداً ثم عادت لوطنها دون ان تجد الرعاية طويلة الأمد المطلوبة متوفرة لها؟ تقول إميلي مايهيو، وهي مؤرخة طبية عسكرية تعمل مع مركز أبحاث الأطفال المصابين في انفجارات، ان ” استمرار الحياة بعد النجاة كشخص مبتور الأطراف معقد للغاية.” واوضحت مايهيو أن أحد زملائها، وهو شخص يعاني من بتر في طرفين مثل ليان، يقوم بفحص درجة الحرارة يومياً وإذا كانت أكثر من 77 (فاهرنهايت – 25 درجة مئوية) يقرر البقاء غي المنزل اليوم التالي لأن الحرارة المرتفعة تجعل استعمال الأطراف الصناعية على مدار يومان متتاليان غير مريح. كما ذكرت مايهيو ان أحد الرياضيين في الاولمبياد الموازية عانى من نمو شعر تحت الجلد في مكان البتر، مما أدى الى التهاب شديد منعه من التدريب لمدة عام كامل.

هؤلاء الأمثلة هم بالغين، اما مبتوري الأطراف الأصغر سناً يعانوا من صعوبات فريدة، ففي العادة يحتاجوا لإجراءات طبية إضافية وأطراف صناعية جديدة تلائم نمو وتغيير أجسادهم. تلبية احتياجات الآلاف من الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف في غزة ستكون مهمة يصعب مواكبتها. وبحسب د.ابوستة، الجراح المقيم في لندن، يجب على اخصائية الأطراف الصناعية حول العالم ان يبدؤا بالتدريب الان لرعاية هؤلاء الأطفال بدلاً من ان ينتظروا حتى انتهاء الحرب. يجب ان يتناوب المختصين بشكل دوري لكي يزوروا غزة لتقديم العلاج، لأنه سيكون شبه مستحيل إجلاء كل الأطفال ليصلوا الاخصائيين. وقال: “يحتاج هؤلاء الأطفال ان يتلقوا العلاج في النظام الصحي الفلسطيني كيفما كان شكله.”

وبالإضافة لهذا، أوضح ابوستة ان غزة ذاتها يجب ان يتم إعادة تصورها لمؤامة جيل كامل من مبتوري الأطراف الصغار بالسن. “يجب ان تصبح مكاناً مختلفاً بما يتعلق بالوصول والاعاقات. المدارس التي يجب إعادة بنائها يجب ان تبدو مختلفة تماماً، وكل ما يتم فعله يجب ان يُبنى على هذا الأساس.” حسبما قال “وهذا يشمل كل التفاصيل الصغيرة.”

 ولكن الان، القنابل لا تزال تتساقط وتوقفها يبدو بعيد المنال. فكرة إعادة بناء غزة في أي وقت قريب بحد ذاتها تعتبر حلم غير ملموس، ناهيك عن القيام بذلك مع أخذ احتياجات الناس كليان بعين الاعتبار. دينا تعلم هذا، وخلال موعد مع طبيب ليان المختص بالتقويم، د.اكمان، عبرت عن قلقها حول كيفية استعمال ليان أطرافها الصناعية في مكان تم تدمير 70 بالمئة من بنيته التحتية المدنية.

قال اكمان: “يمكنها استخدامهم على الاسطح المستوية.”

“ولكن ماذا لو لم يعد هناك أي طرق؟ وماذا بشأن الركام؟” سألت دينا.

“سوف تتلف بسرعة أكبر بكثير،” حسب اكمان، الذي أضاف انه عند حدوث ذلك “عملياً، ستتوقف عن العمل.”

في بعض الأحيان، حين كانت تفكر ليان بالعودة لغزة، كان ذهنها يمتلئ بأكثر الأفكار سوداوية. تقول دينا “لقد سمعتها تبكي وتقول أمور تشبه ‘إذا لم يقتلوني اول مرة، سوف يقتلوني في المرة الثانية.’” 

عندما زرت شيكاغو مع ايمان للمرة الثانية في شهر حزيران/يونيو ، رحبت بنا ليان بابتسامة خافتة بينما كانت تنزل على السلالم في منزل عائلة عساف باستخدام أطرافها الصناعية الجديدة. كانت هذه هي الأطراف التي صممها مالك وستستعملها ليان في لمدة عام او عامان، حتى يتطلب جسمها النامي اطرافاً جديدة. صُممت الأطراف خصيصاً لتتماشى مع لون بشرتها باستخدام مواد تهدف الى محاكاة ملمس جسد الانسان.

لم تكن ليان متحمسة حين أعطاها فريقها الطبي هذه الأطراف قبل اسبوعين من زيارتنا. اخبرتنا مع هز كتفيها “مظهرهم كان مقبولاً،” ولكنها لا تحب استخدامهم للمشي. ويتطلب استخدامهم تعديل وجهد وبعكس الأطراف الصناعية التجريبية، كان عليها استخدامهم طيلة الوقت، وهو أمر مُرهق. وعندما عادت من المستشفى، وضعت الأطراف الصناعية في غرفتها لعدة أيام ولم تستخدمهم. ولكي تشجعها على استخدامهم، خبأت دينا كرسي ليان المتحرك، وإذا ارادت ان تتحرك حول المنزل كان على ليان استخدام أرجلها الجديدة.

خلال جلساتها مع غورينو كانت ليان تنتقل من جهة لأخرى في الغرفة، وأوضحت “الرجل اليُسرى هي ما يزعجني.” هذه الرجل هي التي تحتوي على مفصل ركبة ميكانيكي، ولتفعيل حركة هذا المفصل، كان عليها الضغط على أصابع اقدام الطرف الصناعي. المشكلة بالنسبة لليان كانت التكرار، أي القيام بهذه الحركة في كل خطوة، خاصة ان الطرف الصناعي الاخر لم يتطلب ذلك.

للوقت الحالي اكتفت بجر رجلها اليسرى دون ثني ركبتها. كما حصلت على موافقة الطاقم الطبي بأن ترتدي احذية غير الأحذية التقويمية، وكانت تنتظر وصول زوج احذية مسطحة لونها فضي عبر البريد والذي سيصل في الوقت المناسب قبل الاحتفال بالعيد.

 الموعد الطبي الأخير لليان في شيكاغو كان يوم 3 تموز/يوليو، ومع اقتراب الموعد، ازداد القلق بين سكان منزل عائلة عساف. في بعض الأحيان، حين كانت تفكر ليان بالعودة لغزة، كان ذهنها يمتلئ بأكثر الأفكار سوداوية. تقول دينا “لقد سمعتها تبكي وتقول أمور تشبه ‘إذا لم يقتلوني اول مرة، سوف يقتلوني في المرة الثانية.’”

 خلال حديثي مع سوسيبي، أصر أكثر من مرة أن منظمة هييل لن تُعيد الذين تم اجلائهم الى غزة في ظل الاعمال العدائية المستمرة، ولكن عائلة عساف وليان غير مقتنعين بذلك. ماذا لو لم تترك الحكومة الامريكية أي خيار امام سوسيبي ؟

هناك بعض السيناريوهات المحتملة حول مستقبل ليان ينتهي بها المطاف في دولة ثالثة – قد تكون مصر، حيث تعيش قريبتها التي سافرت معها للحصول على تأشيرة وبقيت هناك، او أوروبا حيث تسكن اختها اريج. ليان قالت انها تشتاق لغزة، وعائلتها واصدقائها، وأنها تريد العودة لها إلا إذا عنى ذلك المخاطرة بحياتها. انها لا تريد ان تشعر بانها عالقة مجدداً.

تقوم بنات عائلة عساف، وليان، وبهاء بشوي حلوى السمورز في الباحة الخلفية لمنزل العائلة.

منذ اللقاء الأول المتزعزع في مطار اوهاير، أصبحت ليان جزءً لا يتجزأ من حياة عائلة عساف، حيث تحضر التجمعات العائلية وتعرفت على أخوات بهاء الكثيرات وأزواجهن وأطفالهن كما تعرف على أسمائهم جميعاً. كما ذهبت الى إجازة مع عائلة عساف لميامي. لا تزال ليان مُتحدية ولكن تعليقاتها اللاذعة تحولت لتعليقات سريعة البديهة. وأصبحت تثق بمستضيفيها لدرجة تمكنها من ان تكشف ضعفها امامهم مما أثلج صدر دينا. وقالت دينا “لديها إيمان مُطلق بنا، انها تثق بنا.” 

واصرت دينا انها ستفعل كل ما بوسعها لمنع عودة ليان لمكان ما هو الا خيال للموطن الذي عرفته سابقاً. “هذا ليس خياراً متاحاً،” قالت دينا “سنوكل محاميين وندفع كل ما يلزم من الأموال.”

في اخر ليلة لنا في شيكاغو، أشعل بهاء ودينا موقد النار الخارجي في الباحة الخلفية، وصنع الفتيات حلوى السمورز قبل ان يتضاءل تركيزهن. وكانت سيرين تتنقل على لوح تزلج الكتروني ذات عجلات مضيئة بسرعة بينما حاولت سارة اقناع أخواتها وليان بأن يتدربوا على رقصة تيك توك معاً. وفي لحظة تركت ليان العكازات التي تستخدمها لتثبيت نفسها وهي تستخدم الأطراف الصناعية وذهبت باتجاه موقد النار، ثم قامت بوضع أطرافها الصناعية على لوح سيرين ونظرت لدينا وبهاء متبسمة.

ثم صاحت دينا عبر الباحة “ابتعدي عن اللوح فوراً يا ليان!”

ثم ضحكت ليان واندفعت عائدة باتجاه الفتيات الاخريات وانضمت لهم ليبدؤوا بالدوران واللهو امام شاشة الهاتف. وفي هذا اللحظة كانت ليان مجرد طفلة ترقص.


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Coming to America

Layan Albaz lost her legs in an Israeli air strike in Gaza.
To learn how to walk again, she had to travel more than 6,000 miles from everything she knew.

Coming to America

The Atavist Magazine, No. 153


Rhana Natour is an award-winning journalist and video producer. Her stories have aired on PBS NewsHour, Al Jazeera English, More Perfect Union, and Scripps News. Her writing has appeared in such publications as The Guardian and Vice News. She shared an Emmy nomination for her work on the Nightline special “Crisis in Syria,” and her article “The Shooter’s Wife” received an award from the Arab and Middle Eastern Journalists Association.

Eman Mohammed is a Palestinian photojournalist from Gaza, and her passion for photography is grounded in her heritage. She began her career documenting life under Israeli occupation. Her photographs have been featured in The Guardian, Le Monde, The Washington Post, and other publications. Her work has been acquired by the British Museum in London and the Harn Museum of Art at the University of Florida. She was named a senior TED Fellow in 2019, and her photographic memoir, The Cracks in My Lens, was published in 2022.


Editor: Seyward Darby
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Lila Hassan
Translator: Ammar Owaineh

Published in July 2024.


Dina Assaf sat in her car outside Chicago’s O’Hare International airport watching the terminal’s sliding doors open and close, open and close. She and her husband, Baha, had been scrambling to prepare for this moment and were exhausted, but in the back seat their three daughters were restless with excitement. Sara, Salma, and Sereen had circled this day—March 17, 2024—on their calendars weeks ago and were giddy that it had finally come. They jostled one another for the best view of the doors, hoping to be the first to spot the person they were there to pick up. She was a young girl like them—she had turned 14 just three days before—and from what the sisters had been told, she was very important.

أقرأ هذه القصة باللغة العربية.

The girl’s name was Layan Albaz, and she had a button nose and a soft voice. What the Assafs knew of her life came mostly from videos on the internet. In one clip, Layan described how she had lost two sisters, a niece, and a nephew in an Israeli air strike in Gaza. She used a wheelchair because injuries she sustained during the attack had forced doctors to amputate her legs. In another video, filmed by Agence France-Presse not long after the air strike, Layan’s face was mottled with burns. “I want them to give me real legs,” she whimpered, clutching an oxygen mask in one hand. “I don’t want fake legs.”

But if Layan was ever to walk again, prosthetics were exactly what she would need, and to get them she was coming to the United States. Shriners Children’s Chicago, a hospital specializing in pediatric orthopedics, had offered to provide her with free medical treatment. And despite being perfect strangers, the Assafs were opening their home to Layan for the duration of her stay.

Sara, the eldest Assaf daughter, was 12, which meant that Dina and Baha had firsthand experience with an adolescent girl navigating a swirl of transitions. But Layan was also grappling with a new and permanent disability. Over the months of Israel’s brutal siege on Gaza, she had lost people she loved and seen horrors one would expect only a frontline soldier to witness. Dina was under no illusion that hosting Layan would be easy. “But I expected more of, like, sadness,” she told me.

When Layan was finally rolled through the doors at O’Hare, Baha stowed her wheelchair in the trunk and placed Layan in the back seat of the car with his daughters. Dina, who was sitting in the driver’s seat, was shocked when Layan first spoke.

“What’s that beeping noise?” Layan asked in Arabic—she had come to America without a word of English. Her voice was laced with annoyance.

“Dina just needs to put her seat belt on,” Baha replied.

“Well, what the hell are you doing?” Layan yelled, locking her eyes on Dina. “Put the damn thing on. You’re giving me a headache.”

Sara, Salma, and Sereen’s eager smiles curved into frowns of concern. Dina thought, What did I get myself into? The Assafs were already learning that their guest was too angry to be sad.

Layan checks her reflection on her way to physical therapy at Shriners Children’s Hospital in Chicago. The scarring on her face is the result of the air strike that forced doctors to amputate her legs.

In Arabic, the root of the word for “amputated,” mabtur, can mean “incomplete.” This feels like a nod to the idea that it’s possible to sever something so essential to a person that they can no longer be considered whole. Someone who has lost a limb has experienced a deviation from the blueprint of the body; like a novel with chapters ripped out, something crucial is missing.

In Gaza, all we have to go by are amputated stories, fragments of the whole truth. Even that most fundamental data point of any war—the death toll—is incomplete. As of this writing, Gaza’s health authority has tallied more than 39,000 fatalities, but with the devastation inflicted on the region’s health care infrastructure, and with many bodies buried too deep in the rubble to be counted, officials emphasize how deficient their figures are every time they issue a report. In early July, an article in The Lancet estimated that Israel’s siege could result in 186,000 deaths, or 7.9 percent of Gaza’s population. But it may be years before we know the true toll—if we ever know it at all.

As for the children, here is some of what we know: As of May, approximately 15,000 were dead, 12,000 were injured, and 21,000 were missing. Among the wounded, doctors have described treating children “shredded” by bombs, crushed by collapsing buildings, and suffering from gunshot wounds to the head. Many pediatric patients have lost arms or legs. For now we have only a single statistic when it comes to these young amputees: Between October 7 and November 29, 2023, Unicef reported that more than 1,000 children had lost one or more limbs. A spokesperson told me in June that the agency had been unable to gather more recent figures, “given the challenging circumstances on the ground.”

This isn’t unusual—authoritative, countrywide figures on the number of pediatric amputees in most conflicts are generally rare. What seems clear is that we are witnessing one of the fastest and most intense mass-disabling events of children in our lifetimes. When the dust settles, relative to population size, Gaza may be left with the largest cohort of children who’ve lost limbs in any war in modern history.

Dr. Ghassan Abu-Sittah is certain that this will be the case. A plastic and reconstructive surgeon who specializes in pediatric trauma sustained in conflict, Abu-Sittah spent more than a month in Gaza, working with Doctors Without Borders, in the early days of the war. The experience, which he also described to The New Yorker, left him determined to assess the full scale of the crisis he witnessed. “During those 43 days that I was there, I did more amputations than I’d ever done in my 20 years as a war surgeon,” Abu-Sittah told me, holding his hands to his temples during a video call from his home in London. “I just needed to understand what the bigger picture was.”

He began reaching out to other surgeons—some who had recently returned from stints in Gaza, and some who were still there. Person after person replied with details that mirrored his own experience. Abu-Sittah realized that what he and other doctors were seeing could be record setting. It was the worst kind of reality check. He now estimates the number of pediatric amputees in Gaza at somewhere between 4,000 and 4,500—so far.

To put this in perspective, the Associated Press has reported that, over two and a half years of conflict in Ukraine, some 20,000 people have lost limbs. Based on testimony from medical personnel, researchers at the Center for Pediatric Blast Injury Studies, a joint venture launched in 2023 by Imperial College London and Save the Children, believe that the number of pediatric amputees in Ukraine is around 1,200.

Here is another way of looking at Abu-Sittah’s Gaza estimate: The average U.S. public school has about 550 students. Imagine eight or nine schools in an area roughly the size of Philadelphia where every kid is missing at least one limb. Imagine also that their amputations happened alongside a torrent of other tragedies: the loss of family members, friends, neighbors, schools, houses.

Now imagine that the only hope to reclaim some semblance of physical normalcy required those children to leave home. Gaza’s sole manufacturer of prosthetics and its affiliated rehabilitation center were destroyed in an air strike months ago; as a result, many families of children who have lost limbs are trying to evacuate them so they can receive medical care abroad. Social media is brimming with their desperate pleas, and only a few get what amounts to a lucky ticket for the mortally unlucky: Countries willing to take pediatric amputees from Gaza are doing so in relatively small numbers.

The kids who do find a way out board planes for distant places. In Layan’s case, that place was more than 6,000 miles away from everything and everyone she knew.

Layan sits in her wheelchair at a physical therapy session. Her host mother, Dina Assaf, holds one of the test prosthetics Layan will use until her permanent ones are ready.

Layan grew up in Al-Qarara, a suburb of the city of Khan Younis. She was the tenth of eleven children. Most of her siblings were much older and had kids of their own; the “little devils,” as she called her nieces and nephews, once set fire to the curtains for fun while her mom was babysitting them. Her father worked construction in Israel, a relatively well-paying job for a Palestinian in Gaza if they can obtain a permit. He stayed in Israel during the week and came home on weekends. Layan and her little brother, Waseem, battled for his attention by telling him about each other’s transgressions while he was away.

Layan began to wear a headscarf in the fifth grade at the insistence of her strict uncles—men who, in her words, “fancied themselves sheikhs.” She didn’t like being told what to do, which is one reason she clicked with her best friend, Samaa. Both girls were daring and mischievous. Samaa didn’t wear a headscarf. She liked to dress in T-shirts and tight pants, and she wasn’t afraid to return the sneers of people she passed on the street who expressed disapproval.

Sometimes Layan and Samaa went to restaurants in Gaza City where no one knew them and pretended to be young adults, just to see who would believe the ruse. They had poetry duels to determine who could write a better stanza. They once stole a teacher’s workbook and distributed test answers to classmates. To formalize their status as best friends, Samaa gave Layan a necklace with a sun pendant; Samaa wore one with a corresponding moon.

On the morning of October 7, 2023, Layan was on her way to school when a barrage of rockets pierced the sky overhead. She grabbed the hem of her dress and ran for home. When she arrived, she called Samaa.

“Are you going to school?” Layan asked.

“No, I’m too scared,” Samaa replied.

Layan’s house was close to the border with Israel, and she was used to staying with her sister, who lived deeper inside Gaza, whenever hostilities erupted between Hamas and Israel. That’s what she did on October 7, but this time there would be no going back. After several days of violence, Layan’s parents got word that their house had been destroyed. Soon, along with thousands of other Palestinians, they crammed into an overflowing neighborhood shelter.

Samaa visited Layan at the shelter. One day in mid-October, Samaa got into an altercation with a girl who’d made a snide remark about what she was wearing. Layan begged her friend to let it go, but Samaa refused. “Samaa was annoyed, and at the same time she was depressed,” Layan said. “She wanted to take all that heat out on someone.” Samaa grabbed the girl by the shoulder and pushed her into a wall, then the girl’s mother intervened and slapped Samaa across the face. Members of Layan’s family had to hold Samaa back from retaliating. Other people crowded around to watch.

Recalling the incident, Layan smiled. The Samaa she knew refused to back down.

Four days after the fight, Samaa was killed, along with most of her family, when a bomb leveled their house. After one of Layan’s sisters told her that there were martyrs at a nearby hospital with Samaa’s last name, Layan called her friend’s cell phone again and again but got no answer. She made her way to the hospital, where she saw Samaa’s mother, still alive, in the hallway. “I said to myself, Samaa is gone,” Layan recalled.

Layan heard the doctors tell Samaa’s mother that she could see her daughter one last time, but they warned her against it. Samaa’s body was in pieces, and it would be a gruesome sight. Her mother shook her head.

But Layan wanted to see her friend. “I didn’t care,” Layan said of the doctors’ warnings. “Samaa was my whole life.”

What Layan saw wasn’t a body. “It was a torso, hands,” she said. But she took some comfort from the fact that Samaa wasn’t alive nine days later—that’s when Layan lost her legs. “If she saw me like this, Samaa would have died of grief,” Layan said.

The air strike came at 4 a.m. on October 27. Layan was with several family members at the home of her sister Ikhlas, who had just given birth to a boy she named Odeh, which means “to return” in Arabic. Layan was awake at the time because she was about to help Khitam, another of her sisters, administer medicine to her five-year-old niece, Jenna. “I was getting up to go toward her, and the missile hit and I fell on the floor,” Layan said. Then a huge cement block dropped into the room—it was so big it seemed to fill the whole space. “Khitam and Jenna died right in front of me, instantly,” Layan said. “To this day it’s in my mind. Just right in front of me.”

Then another missile crashed into the building, and Layan felt herself fly through the air. She would later remember falling, falling, falling; her body dropped six floors before it hit the ground. The force of that impact is likely what mangled her legs beyond repair. All around her, shrapnel and debris fell like rain.

Eventually, an ambulance transported Layan to Nasser Hospital, where just 48 hours earlier she had witnessed Odeh’s birth. “To the refrigerators,” Layan remembered a doctor saying as she was rushed in, referring to the morgue. “No, no, she still has a pulse,” a paramedic replied. “But it’s weak.”

Layan was taken to an operating room, where her legs were amputated without anesthesia. She didn’t know what was happening; she only felt searing pain. “Do you have no mercy?” she screamed. Her cries were met with silence.

It was sometime later, while she was lying on a stretcher in an elevator, that Layan saw the stump of her right leg and understood. “My legs are cut off!” she yelled.

The next thing she remembered was waking up in a hospital room—her parents were there, along with other family and friends. “The first question I asked was about the necklace,” she said. “It was the only thing I had from Samaa.” Her friend Khoolood ran up to her bed. “I have it, Layan,” she said with a reassuring smile. “I will give it to you as soon as you get better.” Layan later learned that this wasn’t true; perhaps Khoolood was trying to comfort her with a lie. The necklace was lost amid Gaza’s rubble, along with Layan’s cell phone, which contained cherished photos and videos of Samaa, of her family, of her life before the war.

Layan asked her father what had happened to everyone in the house when the missiles hit. She didn’t trust her own memory. “May they rest in peace,” her father said. Khitam and Jenna weren’t the only ones who had died—Ikhlas was gone, and baby Odeh, too.

That night, Layan’s mother tried to wash Layan’s hair, which was matted with blood, dirt, and debris. She soon gave up. “Her daughters were killed, her grandchildren were dead. Who could expect her to sit there and clean my hair?” Layan said. Instead, her mother grabbed a pair of scissors and cut it all off.

Layan laughs while holding a long receipt at a grocery store. Since her evacuation, the World Food Program has found that 96 percent of people in Gaza face acute food insecurity, and that the region is at high risk of famine.

Over the next few months, Layan endured a total of five surgeries, only one of them with anesthesia. She battled fevers, infections, and kidney issues. But her family were most concerned about her deteriorating mental health. When she left Nasser because her bed was needed amid a new wave of casualties, her parents took her back to the shelter where they’d been staying. But it was clear that Layan was in no state to be around gawking strangers. She was taken to her grandparents’ home, a multistory building full of displaced relatives, friends, and neighbors.

Things got worse. Just the sight of people walking could send Layan into a rage. Watching children run while playing was too much for her to bear. Her uncle Ahmed tried to take command of the situation. “No one talks to Layan,” he ordered the other young girls in the building. “Leave her alone.” Whenever Layan wanted to get some air on the roof, he’d clear the hallway and the elevator so she could get there unobstructed.

When a child loses a limb, time is of the essence. The sooner they get specialized care and rehabilitation, the better their chances of physically adjusting in the long term. Layan’s sister Areej, who lives in Europe, messaged people who she hoped might be able to help. A distant relative of Layan’s, a journalist in Gaza named Mohammad Alshaer, posted about her on Instagram, where he has more than 100,000 followers.

Soon Layan came to the attention of Steve Sosebee, an American in his forties with striking blue eyes. Sturdily built, Sosebee looks more like a former football player than a longtime aid worker. Originally from Ohio, he worked as a freelance journalist in Gaza in the 1990s, which inspired him to create a charity called Palestine Children’s Relief Fund (PCRF), to transport sick and injured children to the U.S. for free medical care. Sosebee has witnessed conflict in Gaza before, but he sees what’s occurring now as altogether different. “It’s a genocide,” he said. “In my thirty-plus years working there, I haven’t seen anything close to what’s happening today.”

Given the visual record of atrocities available online 24/7, many humanitarian advocates have said that the world is witnessing a live-streamed genocide. A growing number of legal experts agree. In January, the International Court of Justice ordered Israel to “take all measures within its power to prevent” genocidal acts, and “to prevent and punish the direct and public incitement to commit genocide.” The court issued another ruling in July, finding that Israeli settlement policies in Palestinian territory are illegal. The International Criminal Court has applied for arrest warrants for Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu and defense minister Yoav Gallant for war crimes and crimes against humanity, including “starvation of civilians as a method of warfare,” “intentionally directing attacks against a civilian population,” “persecution,” and “extermination.” The ICC has also applied for arrest warrants for three Hamas leaders.

In early 2024, as the bombardment in Gaza worsened, Sosebee launched a new NGO called HEAL Palestine. (HEAL stands for Health, Education, Aid, and Leadership.) Together, PCRF and HEAL are evacuating kids injured in the conflict to foreign countries, including the U.S. This work takes an enormous amount of effort, money, and organizational infrastructure. HEAL has evacuated nine child amputees since last fall. Layan was approved for treatment at Shriners Children’s in early 2024 and traveled to Egypt with an aunt to obtain a U.S. visa. Since then, Israel has seized control of the Rafah crossing into Egypt, stymieing medical evacuations. As CBS News reported in July, “Aid workers say that’s made rescuing children almost impossible.” Still, HEAL is currently working to transport a dozen new pediatric amputees out of Gaza.

Most of HEAL’s beneficiaries travel with a chaperone—a parent or older sibling, for example—and they stay either in hospital housing or with volunteer families who live close to where they’ll be treated. But HEAL said it would be easier to arrange accommodations for Layan if she came to the U.S. alone. Her sister in Europe, who was HEAL’s main point of contact, given communication outages in Gaza, agreed that Layan should make the trip by herself if it meant she didn’t have to wait any longer for the care she needed. Layan was livid about traveling alone. “Everyone came with someone,” she said. “Everyone except me.”

Layan arrived in Chicago determined to show the strangers she would be living with exactly what she was made of.

Layan descends a set of stairs with the assistance of a physical therapist. Her orthopedic surgeon has warned that if she returns to Gaza, her prosthetics will break down easily in the rubble.

The Assafs are Jordanian. Dina came to the United States when she was five, Baha at 18, and they met in a community college English class. Baha, who is now 40, works as the head of finance at a car dealership, while Dina, 38, is a homemaker. They have followed the news out of Gaza closely and oppose the war. Baha has attended local protests calling for a ceasefire. He learned of Layan’s situation through a friend with a connection to HEAL. In a family vote, Dina, Baha, and the girls agreed unanimously to welcome Layan into their home.

Dina and Baha were determined to make Layan feel like she was part of their family, no different from their own daughters. They had a spare bedroom on the ground floor of their house, which would have been easier for her to access, but they opted to put her in a room upstairs, where everyone else slept, because they didn’t want her to feel isolated. They also made sure that Layan’s room had the same bed frame, vanity, and wide-eyed stuffed animals as their daughters’ rooms across the hall.

On the drive from O’Hare, Layan announced that she wanted nothing to do with the Assafs and that she planned to stay in her room all day. When she saw where the family lived, a large brick house in a Chicago suburb, she scoffed that Dina and Baha must be drug dealers to be able to afford it. “We just work hard,” Dina responded. Layan cackled so loudly that it startled Dina.

Layan refused to let Baha carry her up the stairs to her room. Instead, she pushed herself out of her wheelchair and climbed up on her own, using her arms to swing her hips from one step to the next with the dexterity of a gymnast on a balance beam. When Layan saw the room Dina and Baha had prepared for her, her eyes widened. “It’s big,” she said. In spite of herself, a faint smile appeared on her face.

The Assafs soon understood that Layan was dreading the medical treatment she had traveled so far to receive. She had already spent weeks inside a hospital and didn’t want to repeat the experience. But Shriners Children’s is used to treating kids who require lengthy hospitalizations, and it makes its facilities as welcoming as possible. The complex is decorated with bright murals and has a Ping-Pong table. It hosts a “superhero day,” when volunteers dress up and hand out capes to patients.

On her first visit to the hospital, Layan met the specialists who’d be treating her, including Dr. Jeffery Ackman, a pediatric orthopedic surgeon; certified prosthetist and orthotist Shawn Malik; and Angela Guerino, a physical therapist with strawberry blond hair and a cheery disposition. The team would work together closely to help Layan rehabilitate, monitoring every part of her body—muscles, bones, nerves, skin—to ensure that she adapted to life on artificial legs.

There is a common conviction among pediatric orthopedists who work with amputees: Sit in a chair and you’ll start to look like a chair. Doctors want kids who’ve lost limbs to begin using prosthetics as quickly as possible, and Layan had already lost valuable time. In the six months since her amputations, she’d had no physical therapy, and her hips were becoming misaligned because of her tendency to lean to one side in her wheelchair. Without intervention, she could develop a hip contracture, a tightening of joint tissue that would essentially lock her body in an unnatural position for good. During rehab, Layan would need to wear a hip and back brace to correct her alignment, along with compression socks to reduce inflammation in what remained of her legs. Frequent stretching would be necessary to straighten out her lower torso.

Meanwhile, each of Layan’s legs presented unique challenges for her recovery. Her left leg had been amputated above the knee, so the prosthetic on that side would be equipped with a mechanical knee joint she’d need to learn to use. She still had her right knee, but the surrounding skin, replete with scars and possibly with embedded shrapnel, would make fitting a prosthetic to it difficult. Ultimately, for Layan, learning to walk again would be like mastering two musical instruments and playing them at the same time.

Layan was impatient. In her first therapy session, the team put her in check-socket prosthetics—robotic-looking legs used for training purposes—and she tried to bolt over to a treadmill in the corner. “Literally day one,” Guerino said. “I’d known her for five minutes.”

But Layan was also a quick learner. Initially, her team wanted her to stay at Shriners Children’s for two weeks of intensive treatment, after which she would go back to the Assafs’ for a few months and come in to the hospital for regular appointments. But she did so well the first week, and was so upset about having to sleep at the hospital, that her team decided she could return to the Assafs’ early—on one condition. They made Dina promise to hide the test legs from Layan, because she risked serious injury if she tried to use them without supervision.

When Layan arrived at the Assafs’ after her week at Shriners Children’s, Sara, Salma, and Sereen were hiding behind the front door. They jumped out and threw fistfuls of confetti as Dina rolled Layan in. That night, Dina took the prosthetics to bed with her and slept with them between her and Baha.

Baha Assaf, Layan, and Sara Assaf (from left) laugh as they play Skip-Bo on family game night.

As the weeks went by, the anger that Layan directed at her host family softened. Dina responded to her outbursts matter-of-factly, and Layan came to respect the boundaries set for her—even as the only English word she’d seemed to master was “no.” Layan, Salma, and Sara bonded over a love of makeup and skin care. Sereen, who at five was the youngest Assaf, was fascinated by her family’s special houseguest and had a strawberry-patterned backpack where she kept small items Layan gave her, including a whale toy and a jar of pink slime.

Gaza was never far from Layan’s mind. She once shared with Dina a video clip she watched when she missed her sisters. It showed Layan’s father standing over their bodies, which had just been pulled from rubble and hastily wrapped in white burial shrouds. Without her cell phone and its trove of family photos, this was the only way Layan could see Khitam and Ikhlas.

On a Tuesday afternoon in early April, Layan got a phone call that plunged her back into the horrors of war. Dina was cleaning in preparation for hosting a Ramadan iftar, a dinner marking the end of the day’s fasting, when Sereen appeared before her. The little girl was wide-eyed. “Mom, I think something is wrong with Layan,” she said. Dina could hear screaming upstairs.

Dina rushed to Layan’s room and found her in her wheelchair. “Why is this happening?” Layan cried. “I’ve already lost too many people.”

Layan’s cousin had called to tell her that her father and elder brother Karam had been killed when an Israeli aircraft descended over the location where they were living in a tent and opened fire. Dina told Layan to calm down, to breathe. But Layan screamed: “Who’s going to take care of my family? Who’s going to feed them?” Her father and Karam were the breadwinners, and they had been looking after the children of relatives killed in previous air strikes. Layan cried out to God, begging to know why this had happened.

Dina ran to call Baha at work. She told him he needed to let everyone invited to dinner know that it was canceled. When Dina returned to the bedroom, Layan was hitting herself.

“Look at me,” Layan said. “I wish I would have died, not them.”

“Don’t say that,” Dina said. “Why would you say something like that?”

“Look at me,” Layan snapped, her voice dripping with contempt. “I don’t have legs.” She also had a serpentine scar running from her hairline to the bridge of her nose. “Do you see my face?” she asked.

Caught in a whirlwind of grief and self-loathing, Layan kept going. “I will never be normal again,” she told Dina. “Who’s going to want to marry somebody like me? At night when I go to sleep, I’m going to have my husband help me take off my legs when I get into bed? Who’s going to do that? Who’s going to accept that? If anyone should have died, it should have been me.”

Dina managed to get Layan to tell her who it was she’d spoken to on the phone. When Dina realized that it wasn’t an immediate family member, she called a representative of HEAL. She asked them to find someone on the ground in Gaza who could track down Layan’s family and find out what had happened.

Soon Dina learned that Karam was alive, although he’d been hit with a bullet in his shoulder. Layan’s father was in critical condition. It was another of Layan’s brothers, 17-year-old Najee, who had been killed.

Dina delivered the news to Layan. Najee had called Layan three times the day before, but she hadn’t picked up. “I should have answered. Why didn’t I answer?” Layan cried.

For a week after learning about Najee’s death, Layan was afraid to sleep after the sun set. “I hate the nighttime,” she told Dina. “I wish nighttime never came.” When it was late and quiet, Layan couldn’t stop her mind from racing.

She asked Dina and Baha to stay up with her until dawn. They did their best, playing endless hands of Skip-Bo and watching episodes of a Turkish soap opera late into the night. Baha eventually went to bed because he had work in the morning, so Dina finished out the shifts alone. Sometimes she would nod off and Layan would start to cry, jolting Dina awake again.

Only when the sun rose and the rest of the household came to life did Layan finally sleep.

Layan helps Salma Assaf apply makeup. Layan, who traveled to the U.S. alone for medical treatment, soon bonded with the Assaf sisters.

When I first contacted the Assafs about interviewing Layan, Baha described her as a sweet girl. “You couldn’t tell she’s been through what she’s been through,” he told me. Layan and I spoke on the phone, and she was open to meeting with me and Eman Mohammed, a U.S.-based photographer who is originally from Gaza. It was only a few days before we flew to Chicago that the warnings began. Dunia Saad, then the patient coordinator for HEAL, told me that Layan “could be moody” and was prone to changing her mind on a whim. Dina explained that I should “not take anything she says too personally.”

In mid-April, when Eman and I arrived at the Assafs’ door, Dina greeted us wearing a pressed pink silk shirt. Her hair had blond highlights and was ironed straight. She spoke English with a hint of an accent.

Sara appeared, smiling widely as she pushed Layan forward in her wheelchair. Layan wasn’t smiling. She looked at us with a level gaze. “OK, let’s just get this over with,” she said, rolling her eyes. She whipped herself around in her chair and wheeled into the living room.

There we sat with Dina on a gray sectional while Layan dictated how the day would proceed. “I don’t want you to take photos of me that include my injury,” she declared. We had spoken about photographs on the phone, and Layan had agreed to let Eman take them, but I realized that the Layan of a few weeks ago wasn’t the Layan of right now. We had to respect—and contend with—the person in front of us.

Layan didn’t like strangers looking at her amputated legs. She didn’t want their pity. And she certainly wasn’t interested in having to glimpse their happy lives, untouched by war and loss.

It was clear Layan cared about her appearance. At 14, her self-consciousness about it would likely have been intense no matter what; because of her amputations, it was in overdrive. She was wearing a Calvin Klein tracksuit, and her eyes had been carefully rimmed with white eyeliner. Her round, pretty face reminded me of Selena Gomez. A translator at the hospital once told her that she resembled the Lebanese pop star Maritta, which seemed to make Layan happy.

Layan told us that she didn’t want to be seen as a charity case. “I have a future,” she yelled, slamming her water bottle to the ground. “I will not tolerate that when I grow up, I will google my name and all that comes up on every page is pictures of me injured.” She was demanding that she retain at least some control of her circumstances, as she had when she first met the Assafs. She was also insisting that she not be defined by her disability.

We agreed to follow Layan’s lead when it came to photos, then spoke to her about her life, October 7, and the air strike that shattered her family. At one point the conversation turned philosophical, and we discussed whether human beings are inherently good. Layan was firmly against this. As evidence, she mentioned how her legs had been amputated without anesthesia—she presumed that this had been the doctors’ choice. “I screamed so loud, I fainted from the sound of my own screams,” she told us, clicking her tongue at the memory. “And you want to say there’s good in the world?”

When we noted that the devastation in Gaza had left many hospitals without basic supplies, she clicked her tongue again. “I got injured at the start of the war. How were they out that fast?” she asked. “No, they only gave it to people with connections.”

Her words felt like an effort to make sense of the senseless, to grapple with the cruel fact that the adults in her life had been powerless to protect her from catastrophe. If she believed that the doctors chose to hurt her, at least she had somewhere to channel her rage.

A physical therapist adjusts Layan’s test prosthetics in preparation for her to practice walking.

We made a plan for the next day to accompany Layan to physical therapy. But when we arrived at the Assafs’ house in the morning, a crisis was unfolding. In an effort to plan ahead, Steve Sosebee had asked if a HEAL volunteer rather than Dina could take Layan to a medical appointment scheduled for a few days later. Layan was furious, and she refused to come downstairs. “Am I a product to be rented out to these people?” Layan screamed as Dina, remaining calm, stood in the kitchen filling a pink Stanley cup with water. “It’s my therapy. I don’t want strangers there.”

The conflict highlighted an uncomfortable reality that often comes with being a charity recipient. NGOs like HEAL rely on networks of volunteers and donors, people so eager to help a child who got out of Gaza that they’ll sometimes greet them at the airport with posters and balloons; they invite them to dinner, family events, theme parks. This in turn requires the kids to play a role: to smile, pose for photos, show gratitude.

Layan didn’t like strangers looking at her amputated legs. She didn’t want their pity. And she certainly wasn’t interested in having to glimpse their happy lives, untouched by war and loss.

When Dina learned that the HEAL volunteer’s own schedule would prevent them from taking Layan to the appointment, she breathed a sigh of relief. By now, though, it was nearly 11:30, and we were late leaving the house for the hourlong drive to the hospital. “Come on, Layan,” Dina called out, looking up the stairs. “This isn’t your wedding day. Hurry up.”

When Layan finally emerged, she was wearing a teal jacket and matching capri pants. Dina put two large pills in her palm, nerve suppressants to help ease phantom-limb pain; sometimes Layan felt electric shocks coursing through the stumps of her legs, as if her body were calling out to its parts that were no longer there.

At the hospital, Layan seemed pleased to see her physical therapist. She gave her a big hug and said her name, stretching it out affectionately: “Annnngeeeelllaahhh.” Then, with Dina translating from Arabic, Layan pointed out that Guerino was wearing mascara that day. She always noticed when Guerino made changes to her appearance.

“It’s my husband’s birthday,” Guerino explained.

“Ooh la la!” Layan replied with a wink.

The main goal of her therapy was to get Layan walking in prosthetics with less and less support over time. Guerino had helped her progress from a walker to two forearm crutches to just one. Now Layan was tethered by a rope to a ceiling track, allowing her to walk by herself. Guerino held the other end of the rope and pulled on it when Layan stumbled, catching her before she hit the ground. 

Shawn Malik, the prosthetist, watched Layan carefully as she moved. Sometimes he adjusted her test prosthetics; he kept track of her body’s specifications so he could design custom legs for her. These would be ready for her in a few weeks.

At one point, Malik wheeled a full-length mirror into Layan’s path. “She loves looking in the mirror,” he told me. Layan perked up at the sight of her reflection. She swayed her hips with each step and mumbled a song to herself in Arabic that I couldn’t quite hear. 

Layan allowed Eman to take photos of her when she was strapped to her prosthetics, but she shooed the camera away when Guerino was stretching her body without them. I remembered the wrenching video in which she said she wanted real legs, not prosthetics. It now seemed that what Layan wanted was for the world to see her standing on two legs, even if they were fake. She wanted to appear upright, undaunted, ready for whatever came next.

Layan stands in the backyard of the Assafs’ home.

HEAL and organizations that do similar work are able to get U.S. visas for kids like Layan on certain conditions. Medical evacuees can’t apply for asylum, and they must leave the country once their treatment is concluded. From the U.S. government’s perspective, such stipulations prevent programs like HEAL from becoming immigration work-arounds. 

For years, Sosebee was satisfied enough with this arrangement. Kids who received specialized treatment in the U.S. were for the most part able to get the follow-up care they needed back home—Gaza’s medical system had been robust enough for that. But Israel’s siege has changed that calculus. According to data from May, there have been around 450 attacks on health facilities, and 31 of Gaza’s 36 hospitals are now damaged or destroyed. Those that are still functioning must focus on immediate and lifesaving care, when they have the resources to do so. “Our medical supplies are critically low due to the limited flow of aid that is being allowed into Gaza by Israeli authorities. If we don’t manage to get medical supplies into Gaza very soon, we may have to stop our medical activities,” Guillemette Thomas, the medical coordinator for Doctors Without Borders in Palestine, said in a statement in June. “We have patients with severe burns and open fractures, and we don’t even have enough painkillers to alleviate their suffering.”

The situation in Gaza presented a horrible question: What if Layan came all the way to the U.S. and learned to walk again, only to return home and find that the long-term care she needed was unavailable? Emily Mayhew, a military medical historian who works with the Center for Pediatric Blast Injury Studies, told me that “life beyond survival as an amputee is immensely complicated.” She described a colleague, a double amputee like Layan, who checked the weather forecast every morning; if the temperature would be above 77 degrees, he knew to stay home the following day, because the heat would make it too uncomfortable to use his prosthetics two days in a row. Mayhew also told me about a Paralympic athlete who developed an ingrown hair on the bottom of his amputation that became so badly infected, he couldn’t train for a year. 

Those people were adults. Younger amputees face unique difficulties; they often require additional medical procedures and new prosthetics as their bodies grow and change. Meeting the needs of thousands of pediatric amputees in Gaza will be an overwhelming task. Dr. Abu-Sittah, the surgeon in London, said that prosthetists around the globe need to be training now, rather than waiting until the war is over, to care for these children. A steady rotation of specialists from abroad will need to visit Gaza to provide treatment, because it will be all but impossible to bring the kids to them. “These children will need to be treated by the Palestinian health system, whatever it looks like,” he said.

Additionally, Abu-Sittah noted that Gaza itself will have to be reimagined to accommodate a generation of young amputees. “It needs to be a different place in terms of access, in terms of disability. The schools that need to be rebuilt need to be completely different looking. Everything needs to be informed by this,” he said. “Every little thing.”

For now the bombs are still falling, with no end in sight. The idea that Gaza will be rebuilt anytime soon, let alone with the needs of someone like Layan in mind, is a pipe dream. Dina knows this, and at an appointment with Layan’s orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Ackman, she expressed concern about how Layan would use her prosthetics in a place where more than 70 percent of civilian infrastructure has been destroyed. 

“She can use them on flat surfaces,” Ackman said. 

“But what if there are no roads anymore? What about rubble?” Dina asked. 

“They will break down a lot faster,” Ackman said. Once that happened, he continued, “they basically won’t work.”  

Sometimes when she thought about returning to Gaza, Layan’s mind went to the darkest of places. “I’ve heard her crying and saying things like, ‘If they didn’t kill me the first time, they’re going to kill me the second time,’” Dina said. 

When Eman and I visited Chicago a second time, in June, Layan greeted us with a slight smile while walking down the stairs of the Assafs’ home on her new prosthetics. These were the legs Malik had designed, and Layan would use them for the next year or two at least, until her growing body required new ones. They had been customized to match her skin tone, with a material meant to resemble the texture of human flesh. 

When her medical team gave them to her two weeks before our visit, Layan wasn’t thrilled. “Their appearance was acceptable,” she told us with a shrug, but she didn’t like walking in them. They required adjustment and effort, and unlike the test prosthetics, she was supposed to use them all the time, which was exhausting. When she came home from the hospital she put the legs in her room, where they stayed, unused, for the next several days. To encourage her to practice walking with them, Dina hid Layan’s wheelchair. If Layan wanted to get around the house, she’d have to use her new legs. 

During her sessions with Guerino, Layan worked her way from one side of the room to the other. “It’s really the left leg that bothers me,” she explained. That was the one with the mechanical knee; to unlock the motion of the joint, she had to put pressure on the prosthetic’s toes. The problem for Layan was the repetition—doing this with every single step, especially when the other prosthetic didn’t require it.

For the time being, she had settled on dragging her left leg without bending the knee. She had also decided that she was ready to don footwear other than orthopedic sneakers. A pair of silver flats were on the way in the mail, arriving just in time for Eid celebrations.

Layan’s final medical appointment in Chicago was scheduled for July 3, and as the date approached, there was a swell of anxiety in the Assaf household. Sometimes when she thought about returning to Gaza, Layan’s mind went to the darkest of places. “I’ve heard her crying and saying things like, ‘If they didn’t kill me the first time, they’re going to kill me the second time,’ ” Dina said. 

In my conversations with him, Sosebee insisted more than once that HEAL would not return evacuees to Gaza amid continuing hostilities. But the Assafs and Layan weren’t convinced. What if the U.S. government gave Sosebee no choice?

There are scenarios in which Layan could wind up in a third country—perhaps Egypt, where the aunt who traveled with her to get a visa remains; or in Europe, where her sister Areej lives. Layan said that she misses Gaza, her family, and her friends. She wants to go back, but not if it means risking her life. She never wants to feel trapped again. 

The Assaf girls, Layan, and Baha make s’mores in the family’s backyard.

Since the rocky meeting at O’Hare, Layan had become a fixture in the Assafs’ lives. She’d attended family gatherings and gotten to know Baha’s many sisters, their husbands, and their kids by name. She went on vacation with the Assafs to Miami. She could still be defiant, but her biting comments had given way to witty ones. That she had come to trust her hosts enough to be vulnerable in front of them was something Dina especially took to heart. “She has all her faith in us,” Dina said. “She believes in us.”

Dina was insistent that she would do everything in her power to keep Layan from going back to a place that is scarcely a shadow of the home she once knew. “That’s not an option,” Dina said. “We will put up lawyers. We will pay as much money as we have to.”

On our last night in Chicago, Baha and Dina lit up the backyard firepit, and the girls made s’mores before their attention flitted away. Sereen zipped around on a hoverboard with LED-illuminated wheels as Sara attempted to wrangle her sisters and Layan into doing a TikTok dance tutorial together. At one point, Layan dropped the crutches she used to steady herself on her prosthetics and bounded toward the firepit. She then propped one of her new legs on Sereen’s hoverboard and glanced over at Dina and Baha with a smirk. 

“Get away from that right now Layan!” Dina yelled across the yard. 

Layan laughed and galloped back to the other girls, joining them as they swiveled and shook their hips in front of a phone screen. In that moment she was just a kid, dancing. 


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The Extra Mile

The Extra Mile

After a horrific accident, doctors told Todd Barcelona that he’d likely never run again. So he and his wife decided to run farther than they ever had before.
By Maggie Gigandet

The Atavist Magazine, No. 152


Maggie Gigandet is a writer who previously worked as a trial attorney. She writes about the outdoors, people with interesting passions, and anything unusual. She has written for Folklife, Atlas Obscura, Mental Floss, and other publications. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee.

Editor: Seyward Darby
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Kyla Jones
Photographer: Stacy Kranitz

Published in June 2024.


One hundred and twenty runners stood in a clearing overlooking the Mississippi River, listening as a man with a curly gray beard needled them. He checked his watch; an unlit cigarette dangled from his fingers. “Thirty seconds,” he announced to the crowd. “You’re running out of time to change your mind.”

Over the next ten days, these ultramarathoners hoped to cover 314 miles on foot. From the clearing in southeastern Missouri, they’d board a ferry to cross the river, disembark in Kentucky, traverse a narrow corner of the state, then cross Tennessee to finish at the Rock, a cliff on a ranch in northern Georgia. “Remember, the earliest quit was at the Tennessee state line,” the man with the beard said. Someone in the crowd yelled out, “I can beat that.” Everyone laughed. Tennessee’s border with Kentucky was less than ten miles away.

Other than the ferry ride, the participants would have to run or walk every inch of the course. Most wore a hat to protect their face from the July sun and carried a small backpack with water and other essentials. Some stood with a crew, people who would supply them with necessities along the course. Runners without crews were called “screwed” runners. Among them were the Barcelonas.

Todd and Allison Barcelona, 57 and 55, respectively, had completed 20 ultramarathons together. Allison stood with her hands clasped in front of her polka-dot running skirt. Todd’s nerves had kept him awake for most of the previous night, and he felt a little sick to his stomach. But evidence of his grit and the battles he’d already waged in his life was etched into his skin: a jagged-edged divot in his lower left shin.

“Five seconds,” the bearded man warned. A dark wall of clouds encroached on the pale peach sunrise behind him.

At 7:30 a.m. exactly, the man transferred his cigarette to his mouth and lit it, cupping his left hand around the flame to shield it from the wind. He tilted his head back and exhaled a puff of smoke.

“You’re off!” he announced.

Whooping, the throng surged forward. The 2023 Last Annual Volunteer State Road Race was under way.

Scenes from the beginning of the 2023 Last Annual Volunteer State Road Race.

The beginning of Todd and Allison’s story is the stuff of a sweet country song. They attended the same elementary and high schools in Memphis, where Allison was a year behind Todd. When their friendship turned romantic, Todd asked Allison if she would go with him. Allison asked him where he wanted to go. He still teases her about that.

When they were dating, they mainly stayed home, preferring to save money for their future. Allison’s parents joked that they were “16 going on 30.” Allison finished school a year early to be with Todd; they graduated together in 1984. Three years later they were married—Allison was 19 and Todd was 21.

The Barcelonas welcomed a daughter in 1988, another about a year later, and a son in 1991. After they moved to Atoka, a small community about 40 miles north of Memphis, Allison gave birth to their youngest child, Ashleigh. Allison worked full-time as a paralegal, and Todd as a line mechanic at a Cadillac dealership.

In his mid-forties, Todd was diagnosed with high cholesterol. To avoid medication, he changed his lifestyle. He bought a treadmill and began running. He didn’t enjoy it at first, but it grew on him, and after a while he began jogging outdoors.

Eventually, Todd graduated to races. He enjoyed the camaraderie he felt with other runners. Each finisher medal he received was a point of pride. On August 31, 2014, Todd ran a marathon in Tupelo, Mississippi. His goal was to finish in under five hours; he did that with about ten minutes to spare. Allison ran a half-marathon at the same time.

Whether racing or training, the Barcelonas usually ran separately. Allison liked to run with friends, while Todd kept to himself. It might have stayed that way if not for what happened on September 29, 2014.

During their workdays, Todd and Allison stayed in touch. That afternoon, Allison called Todd to let him know that Ashleigh, the only Barcelona child still living at home, wasn’t going to her guitar lesson as planned. When Todd didn’t pick up, Allison assumed that he was still working. But when she looked at the clock a little while later and saw that it was almost 6:30, she got worried. Todd always called her by six.

With Ashleigh standing next to her at the kitchen table, Allison called her husband again. A male voice she didn’t recognize answered. She still recalls how it felt hearing a stranger on her husband’s phone: “I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else.”

The man asked her who she was, but she didn’t respond and repeated the question to him. The man said that he was with the Tennessee Highway Patrol and that Todd had been in an accident. He was at a hospital in downtown Memphis. Allison felt sick.

Allison hung up the phone and turned to Ashleigh. “Dad’s been in an accident,” she said. “We have to go.” Ashleigh said nothing, and mother and daughter got in the car and left.

As Allison drove, she and Ashleigh were both crying. They began pleading with God aloud. “Lord, please, please keep him here,” Allison prayed. “Please don’t let this be his time.” Later she recalled, “I told Him I couldn’t do life by myself.… We still needed Todd.”

En route to the hospital, Allison tried to take the Austin Peay Highway into Memphis, but it was closed. She didn’t know that it was because of what had happened to Todd.

A spreadsheet tracks their progress, and among the names in the document, one always stands out: Oprah. That is the moniker given to the minimum pace—15.7 miles every 12 hours—runners must maintain to stay in the race.

After getting off the ferry, the Barcelonas climbed a ramp to a two-lane road and strolled past a blue “Welcome to Kentucky” sign. Rounding a curve, they passed a cornfield, ears heavy on the stalks. Vol State, or LAVS, as this ultramarathon is sometimes called, winds through urban and rural communities. The course’s terrain is also varied—sometimes flat, sometimes steep.

The Barcelonas, like most of the other race participants, walked to start with, because speed isn’t the most important factor for a successful finish in Vol State. With such a sizable distance to cover, most racers gain little by bolting ahead and tiring themselves out. The key to Vol State is the ability to put one foot in front of the other, hour after hour, day after day. “Many will fail,” a website advertising the race explains. “But, for those who find the steely will and muster the sheer dogged tenacity to overcome the impossible obstacles … [it] can be a transcendental experience.”

Nonetheless, participants would need to manage their pace, because per the race’s rules, Vol State must be finished within ten days. At 7:30 a.m. and 7:30 p.m. every day, runners are required to check in via their phones to report mileage. A spreadsheet tracks their progress, and among the names in the document, one always stands out: Oprah. That is the moniker given to the minimum pace—15.7 miles every 12 hours—runners must maintain to stay in the race. Every morning and evening, Oprah advances up the spreadsheet, and any participant whose name falls below hers risks disqualification if they don’t hustle.

Quirks like Oprah are one of many attributable to Vol State’s founder, the man with the beard at the starting line. Even the full name of the ultra—the Last Annual Volunteer State Road Race—is an inside joke. Amused by race directors who, confident about the long-term prospects, declare an inaugural event the “first annual,” Vol State’s founder decided to dub his the last. (It’s now been run for more than forty years.) The founder once explained his choice to call the minimum pace Oprah: “She is real life. A world of celebrities and politics and ‘luxury.’ ” In other words, she represents the world the runners had left behind when they entered Vol State.

Even the founder’s name has a peculiar backstory. Born Gary Cantrell, he began using Lazarus Lake online years ago for privacy reasons. Now he’s equally well-known by his self-anointed nickname, or Laz for short. In the ultra world he’s a legend: a showman whose long, grueling races, designed with signature flair, have attracted a devoted following.

As the Barcelonas and other runners headed toward Hickman, Kentucky, the first town on the Vol State route, a boxy van approached. This was the meat wagon—another race fixture, driven by a woman named Jan. When runners fell too far behind Oprah, or if their willpower was simply crushed, they’d call Jan and wait for her to deliver them from the course. For now she drove alongside the crowd, a harbinger of what would be the runners’ greatest obstacle: the temptation to quit. Then she honked and drove on.

Chatting with two other runners, the Barcelonas entered Hickman. Todd stopped to take a photo of a black-and-white mural of Mark Twain. The author had once described Hickman as “a pretty town perched on a handsome hill.” Touches of Twain’s pretty town were still visible in the decorative brickwork and keyhole doorways of buildings along Hickman’s main drag, but few places seemed to be occupied. One structure, a popular hotel of yore, stood out with its horseshoe-shaped entryway and windows running the length of its facade. “LaClede,” the name of the shuttered hotel, was painted above the door.

Time and creativity were invested in building Hickman. Now it was a shell of its former self.

Allison and Todd Barcelona on the ferry carrying runners across the Mississippi River.

On the afternoon that changed his life, Todd was driving home from work in his sky blue 1994 GMC Sierra truck. He had purchased it used and lowered the suspension so it sat closer to the ground. It did not have airbags.

Todd approached the intersection of Austin Peay Highway and Old Brownsville Road heading north. A Shell gas station, fields of crops, and stands of trees filled his view. The light ahead turned yellow, and he continued through the intersection. A gray Honda Accord driving south made a left at the light at the same time, failing to yield the right of way. It smashed into Todd’s truck almost head-on.

Michael and Amy Matthews were in a car stopped at the intersection—they heard the screeching tires and saw the collision. Profanities slipped from their mouths. Amy grabbed her phone and called 911 as Michael drove toward Todd’s mangled truck. Before she exited the car, Amy told her 11-year-old son to stay inside. “Don’t even look over here,” she warned.

Michael checked on the Accord. Its airbags had deployed, and the driver and passenger, both teenagers, appeared to have minor injuries. He then walked over to Amy, who was standing near Todd’s truck. The impact of the crash had crumpled the front left corner as if it were a sheet of blue aluminum foil. The hood had been wrenched open and the cab’s frame above the driver’s seat rammed skyward, like the tallest peak in a newly formed mountain range.

The gore on Todd’s face made it hard for Amy to determine his age. To her it looked as if “his nose was almost off”—in fact, it had been flattened to one side. Blood spilled from his head and a gash on his arm, mixing with vehicle fluids that collected on the road beneath the battered Sierra.

The Matthewses tried to reassure Todd that he’d be OK, but he was drifting in and out of consciousness, his guttural moans replaced by silence when he went limp. “I just didn’t want him to die with me, you know, right there,” Amy recalled.

A nurse who had just finished her shift at a nearby hospital stopped to help. She reached in through the shattered driver’s-side window and placed two fingers against Todd’s neck, checking his pulse. In case he had a spinal injury, she put her hands on either side of his head to keep it stationary.

When first responders arrived, they had to pry open Todd’s door, revealing a pool of blood on the floorboard. Every time they tried to ease him from the truck, Todd came to, groaning in pain. Only when they realized why he was trapped—the emergency brake had impaled his left leg—could they remove him safely and rush him to the hospital.

When Allison found Todd in the emergency room, she saw that his face was mutilated with gashes and bruises. “It was gone,” she recalled. Todd asked her three questions.

“Where am I?”

“What time is it?”

“Am I OK?”

Allison answered, but Todd kept repeating the questions.

“Where am I?”

“What time is it?”

“Am I OK?”

Allison told her husband that whatever his injuries were, they would get through this together. They’d move on with their lives. She was just thankful that he wasn’t dead.

“I was thinking that it was going to be the bones, you know? The broken legs and things like that,” Allison said later. “I had no idea it would be the head trauma that would really take him out.”

From left: Lazarus Lake at the Rock, Vol State’s finish line; medals given to participants who complete the race.

After leaving Hickman, the Barcelonas soon crossed into western Tennessee. As screwed runners, they had no one to reliably supply them with food and water. They ate at gas stations and restaurants, and looked for motels with vacancies. Racers unable to find a bed slept on whatever flat surfaces were available: picnic tables, church pews, driveways, even the side of the road.

But rest only ever lasted a few hours. Oprah never slept, and because Vol Staters had to travel nearly 16 miles every 12 hours to stay ahead of her, few had the luxury of a full night’s sleep. Strong runners could cover enough miles to give themselves a buffer, but everyone needed to keep moving. “The lack of sleep was murder,” one runner later admitted.

At least traveling at night was cooler than suffering through the heat of the day. Less than 48 hours into the race, a woman’s glasses were ruined when high temperatures warped the frames. Another runner posted online, “I melted today. I’m just liquid skinbag goo walking down this white line with a giant backpack.” The Barcelonas used umbrellas to shield themselves from the unrelenting sun.

During desolate stretches, runners depended on the generosity of so-called road angels to sustain them. Because the Vol State course is the same every year, there is a strong tradition of people who live along the race’s path aiding runners; these volunteers aren’t race staff, but they’re crucial to participants’ success. Road angels might do something as simple as leave a pack of water bottles on the side of the road. Some set up tents in their yards, along with inflatable mattresses, food, and other supplies. Some road-angel stations have become so well-known that they’re race landmarks. “The people you meet along the way just take your breath away,” Allison said.

On the road, Vol Staters are concerned only with the pursuit of miles, calories, fluids, and shelter. But this winnowing of life soon becomes monotonous. As the world narrows to a seemingly endless stretch of pavement, there’s nothing to distract from the pain of sore joints, aching muscles, and fresh blisters. Each excruciating step chips away at a participant’s resolve, until for some the desire to be rescued from the course swallows the last of their stamina.

On the third day of the race, the Barcelonas were closing in on the 100-mile mark when heat and exhaustion overwhelmed Todd. He erupted with anger, blaming Allison for his misery and pain. They were only there, he said, because she wanted the race jacket awarded to finishers.

Allison did her best to calm him. She’d done it before. “She had to reel me back in,” Todd said. A race like Vol State, he continued, “is very, very, very mental.”

A TBI is a hidden injury. It’s not visible to the eye, like an oozing cut would be, but the effects can alter a person’s life forever.

At about 1:30 a.m. the day after his accident, Todd underwent his first surgeries. An orthopedics team worked on his lower left leg where the brake pedal had impaled him, fracturing his fibula in two places and exposing the bone. At the same time, surgeons worked to repair a lacerated artery in his left wrist. Later that day, Todd had a third surgery to repair the damage to his face. Doctors inserted a metal plate to help reposition his nose. They put a splint in each nostril and fitted another over the bridge.

Some damage couldn’t be repaired surgically. His neck was fractured in two places. The bone in his right heel had splintered. The doctors decided to let his body heal those injuries.

Todd spent eight days in the hospital. Allison never left his side. At one point, after being awake for almost 48 hours, she confessed to a nurse that she needed to rest. The staff set up a cot in Todd’s room so Allison could lie down next to her husband.

Todd was immobilized. He wore a neck brace, a boot on his left foot, and a splint on his right. Pain medications—Dilaudid, morphine, oxycodone—kept him in a stupor. Early in his stay he became disoriented, scratching himself and trying to get out of bed, so hospital staff restrained him and put mittens on his hands. Once, while his restraints were off, he tore away one of his nose splints. It wasn’t like him to be so unruly.  

When finally he was allowed to get up, Todd couldn’t put weight on his right foot. He was told to use a walker but didn’t have much strength in his arms. All he could do was inch himself forward.

Allison tried to feed her husband, but he had no appetite and was soon losing weight. He couldn’t understand what had happened to him. The last thing he recalled from the day of the accident was running an errand at lunch. He never regained his memory of the crash.

Tests revealed that Todd had suffered a traumatic brain injury, or TBI. The accident caused hemorrhaging in both sides of his frontal lobe, the large section of the brain behind the forehead, which governs emotions and personality traits. It was impossible to say exactly how that happened. Maybe Todd’s head had slammed into the steering wheel, or maybe the force of the crash jerked his brain violently enough against the interior of his skull that it caused tissue damage.

A TBI is a hidden injury. It’s not visible to the eye, like an oozing cut would be, but the effects can alter a person’s life forever. Depending on the nature and severity of the injury, people may have trouble focusing and controlling their emotions and impulses, among other symptoms. Behavioral changes can affect careers and relationships. TBI sufferers may also be at increased risk of epilepsy, dementia, anxiety, and depression.

Allison didn’t yet grasp the impact that Todd’s brain injury might have on their lives. In the days immediately after the crash, she was focused on his physical recovery. Todd’s medical team wanted him to go to an inpatient rehabilitation center, but he refused when he learned that Allison wouldn’t be allowed to stay there with him. The prospect of caring for Todd at home scared Allison—she knew that he was too heavy for her to lift alone, for instance—but she agreed to it.

Satisfied with his progress with the walker, the hospital discharged Todd on October 7, 2014. Allison drove them home. They didn’t say much on the way, each lost in their own thoughts and worries. As they approached the intersection where Todd’s accident had occurred, they saw the stains on the pavement. Todd began to sob.

The Barcelonas at a road-angel station about halfway through the race.

On the evening of the fifth day of Vol State, around mile 165, the Barcelonas walked single file down a country highway, listening to birdsong and the chirping of crickets. They were cooled by bursts of air as vehicles zipped past, the sound of motors concentrating into a vibrating crescendo before fading to an echo. They turned down a long driveway leading to a house. An orange sign advertised a road-angel station in the backyard. “Congratulations on surviving the hills so far!” it read.

The Barcelonas seated themselves in a pair of tan patio chairs next to the garage and took off their shoes. Todd pulled his left ankle onto his right knee and adjusted a doughnut-shaped piece of foam on the ball of his foot. A white patch of Desitin stained his shorts; he used the diaper cream to combat foot moisture. When he started the race, his feet weren’t in perfect condition. He already had a blister and a stone bruise, which feels like a pebble in your shoe. For the time being, his feet were holding up.

Allison knew that Todd’s feet would be a factor in this race and any they ran in the future. Lazarus Lake’s newest creation, called the Last Annual Third Circle of Hell, began two weeks after Vol State ended. The course covered 370 miles of mountainous terrain across Tennessee. Lake had likened finishing Vol State to getting a bachelor’s degree in his races and completing the Third Circle to earning a doctorate. Runners had to finish the former, along with another one of Lake’s ultras, to qualify for the latter. Even if she and Todd completed Vol State, Allison wanted to see how his feet fared before committing to the Third Circle.

The Barcelonas put on fresh socks, pinning the ones they removed to their packs to dry. Allison walked gingerly over to a cooler and returned with a bottle of water and an energy bar. After resting a few minutes, she signed a guestbook that had been placed on a fold-out table and the couple returned to the road. A floral smell wafted on the evening breeze.

Not far down the road, the Barcelonas stopped at another rest station at a horse farm. Because they hadn’t found a restaurant or a convenience store to get dinner, they hoped to stock up on calories. Allison rummaged through the cooler and pulled out an apple. She peeled off the sticker and handed the fruit to Todd. While he chugged a Sun Drop, Allison asked if he wanted her to pack another apple for later—she carried their snacks in a small drawstring bag. Allison said that she had to feed Todd to keep him going. Todd worried that she’d weigh herself down.

Todd tends to his feet with diaper cream.

After the Barcelonas returned from the hospital, their two-story brick house, set in a peaceful neighborhood of spacious lots and pristine yards, became Todd’s prison. For months he couldn’t leave on his own. “It was like shutting somebody down and putting them in a suitcase,” he said.For Todd, the loss of independence was the loss of his humanity. Describing that time, he compared himself to inanimate objects: a mannequin, a dummy, “just a big lump.”

Because of his injured nose, he struggled to breathe. Sitting upright helped, so he spent most of his time in an overstuffed recliner. He couldn’t sleep comfortably, and sometimes he got so frustrated at his neck brace that he tore it off and threw it across the room. When Allison heard the telltale rip of the brace’s Velcro, she’d retrieve it from the floor and make Todd put it back on.

Eventually, his body began to mend. After a few weeks, the stitches from his left wrist and the splints in his nose were removed. After a couple of months, he didn’t need the neck brace. The splint on his right foot was replaced with a boot, which allowed him to put pressure on both feet for the first time since the crash.

But even as his lacerations and broken bones healed, his behavior worsened. Todd was like an obstinate child again, throwing tantrums when he didn’t get his way. Sometimes he hurled things at Allison: water bottles, magazines. “It wasn’t the man I married,” Allison said. In abandoning “he” for “it,” she emphasized the distance between the person she knew as her husband and the attitude that had accompanied him home from the hospital.

Allison couldn’t recall Todd laughing even once in the first year after the accident. “There was no joy in him whatsoever,” she said. While she was at work each day, Todd was alone wrestling with his anguish. To keep busy he tried memorizing Bible verses, but he quickly lost focus. He spent a lot of time on WebMD, his morbid quicksand. Desperate to know if he’d ever return to his old self, Todd searched for information about his injuries. When she got home, Allison would explain to her anxious husband that the doctors had done everything they could for him in the hospital.

Before the crash, Allison and Todd had been training for the St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital marathon in Memphis. Allison decided to keep going, treasuring her workouts as time for herself. Todd became jealous. When his orthopedic surgeon told him that running again would be too painful—the doctor suggested biking instead—Todd got even more upset. When he saw Allison lacing up her running shoes, his anger would explode into snide comments. “The bitterness would jab [at me],” Allison recalled of those moments, again separating her husband from his demeanor.

On Tuesday evenings, Allison and Ashleigh went to a Bible study group at a friend’s home. One night, the subject of the Barcelonas’ home life came up. When the group heard about Todd’s behavior, they told Allison that they would pray for her. A running friend offered her a place to stay if she needed to leave home. Allison declined. “I’ve got twenty-something years invested in him. I’m not giving up yet,” she said. When Ashleigh told her mother that she wanted to move out, Allison replied, “But if we leave him, he won’t survive.”

Three months after the crash, when Allison ran the St. Jude half-marathon, Todd and Ashleigh watched her cross the finish line, passing an Elvis impersonator in a cape and bell-bottom jumpsuit shaking a red scarf. From his seat in the stands, Todd saw his wife accomplish what he couldn’t. He was proud of her, but he felt his envy grow.

The Bench of Despair.

Around mile 184 on the Vol State course, a red bench sits in front of a cream-colored building in a small community near Columbia, Tennessee. The words “The Bench of Despair” are painted in black on the backrest. Scrawled signatures surround the ominous phrase, some more faded than others.

In the early 2000s, it had become clear that the bench marked a turning point in the competition. During one Vol State, Lazarus Lake found the race leader perched on it, wrestling with his desire to quit before giving in and abandoning the course. The following year, Lake again found the lead runner at the bench. Holding his head in his hands, this participant was also despondent, but he announced, “I won’t get there by sitting here.” He stood up and kept going.

Lake attributed the bench’s make-or-break quality to its location in the race. When runners reach it, they’ve already battled long and hard against fatigue, the elements, and the temptation to give up, yet they’ve only just passed the halfway mark. There’s so much ground left to cover, and burdened with the weight of experience, they’re are acutely aware of the suffering left to be endured. Without the energy or the hope they started off with, it’s easy to drown in the hardship. Lake summarized the stakes. “You either get in your car and go home and regret it for the rest of your life,” he said, “or get up and go on and regret it for the rest of the race.”

When the Vol State community first began calling the spot the Bench of Despair, the building behind it was home to a country store and grill. The owners heard about the bench’s importance in the race and embraced it. They painted it red and set out a permanent marker for runners to commemorate their progress as they passed.

When the Barcelonas arrived at the spot, they posed for a picture. Grinning into the camera, Allison sat on one side of the bench and Todd on the other, bookending the famed insignia. Allison added their names at the bottom right corner of the backrest, along with the year. Underneath she wrote “Team Barcelona,” affirming their commitment to each other: They’d either finish the race together or not at all.

Before he started running again, Allison described Todd as “a man that was out of control.” Running gave him a chance to regain control.

In early 2015, Todd was able to return to work. He struggled with anxiety during the commute. When he saw an accident on the side of the road, he’d get so upset he had to pull over. His doctor prescribed medication to help him cope.

That spring a letter arrived from the hospital where Todd was taken after the crash. Addressed to Allison, it advertised a seminar for the families of people who’d sustained a brain injury. Allison, a self-described introvert, attended the event but kept to herself.

Listening to the speaker, she felt like she was finally getting the tools she needed to help Todd. She grabbed all the pamphlets on offer. At home afterward, she dived into research, hunting for anything that might improve her husband’s well-being. She burned frankincense to help Todd’s brain heal and lemongrass to improve his mood. She also changed their diets.

Allison learned that Todd needed something enjoyable to focus on instead of obsessing about his injuries and anxiety. Todd had an idea: He wanted to run. Registration for a number of annual races was approaching, and he didn’t want to sit them out again.

One day, Allison and Todd made their way from their house to a nearby street. Todd, finally rid of his boots and braces, had wrapped runner’s tape around his legs and ankles for support. The couple began a slow jog together. Pain raged from Todd’s heels up into his legs. “I was boiling in tears,” he recalled. “It was hurting so bad.”

Seeing her husband in agony, Allison asked him if he wanted to stop. He said no. It broke Allison’s heart to see him suffer, and she worried that the experiment would set Todd back mentally and physically. He covered maybe a few hundred feet before he had to stop.

Still, the brief jog was a victory. Todd felt great. To his mind, he’d struck a blow against the misery that had plagued him for months. When he recalled the experience more than eight years later, the emotion of that day flooded back. He choked back sobs as he described it, slipping at times into the present tense as if he were still standing on that stretch of pavement. “I finally got out on the street,” he said. “This is going to be the start of something that I can do. Regardless of how hard it was and how painful it was, it gave me some hope.”

That summer and fall, Allison and Todd ran together, adding distance as his stamina improved. This was the unglamorous phase of distance running, the repetitive slog of returning to the road again and again to train, and Todd’s constant pain made it even more challenging. That October they ran a half-marathon, the Greenline at Shelby Farms Park in Memphis. Propelled by willpower, Todd finished the race in tears—happy ones.

Before he started running again, Allison described Todd as “a man that was out of control.” Running gave him a chance to regain control. If he wanted to return to the sport, he had to manage his pain, both physical and mental. As he worked toward that goal, Allison saw his attitude improve; he even seemed happy. Over time, flashes of the old Todd returned. “You could see a little bit of him come back, piece by piece,” Allison said.

Running did more for Todd than give him purpose. Exercise helps injured brains in numerous ways. It stimulates production of important chemicals in the body, including brain-derived neurotrophic factor, a protein that promotes cell growth and helps the brain heal itself. Exercise reduces cerebral inflammation and supports essential processes—sleep, for instance, which is necessary to remove toxins that build up in the brain, and hormone regulation, which can ease depression. It isn’t a miracle cure for a brain injury, however. Many factors affect a person’s ability to heal; genetics, personality, diet, even education can affect outcomes.

Sometimes, Todd’s determination almost outweighed his capabilities. In January 2016, the Barcelonas ran the Herb Parsons Trail half-marathon. Todd typically ran on flat surfaces, but this was a trail race. Because he still struggled with mobility in his ankles, it was difficult to maneuver his feet over rocks and roots. Again and again, he tumbled to the ground—so often that it scared him. But he picked himself back up, and after three hours he and Allison finished together.

In April 2016, the Barcelonas ran the Tanglefoot Trail marathon in Mississippi, Todd’s first full marathon since the crash. He finished in about five hours—remarkably, that wasn’t too far off the time it took him to complete the last marathon he ran before the crash. But the Barcelonas were a little bored by the course. They decided that they needed a bigger goal.

Their new plan was to run an ultra.

Extreme weather was a feature of the 2023 Vol State race.

Lazarus Lake founded Vol State on the notion that people “are built to overcome challenges.” He wanted to run across Tennessee, and in 1980 he decided to try. Lake, who had been interested in running since his high school cross-country days, ran 65 miles in his first 12 hours on the road, then stopped in Murfreesboro, where he caught a football game in a bar and drank free beers provided by patrons who got wind of what he was doing. When he hit the road again, he was caught in the rain. He stuffed his jacket with newspaper to keep warm, but it turned to mush. He finally called someone to pick him up after running 93 miles in about 20 hours. Lake tried the run again and again; others joined, and Vol State was born.

Lake declared Vol State 2023 “the year of the thunderstorm,” predicting that it would “be remembered for the most mercurial weather in the history of the race.” The Barcelonas equipped themselves with ponchos and umbrellas, but they were continually soaked from either rain or sweat. Almost a week into the race, the National Weather Service issued a flood watch for the area. During one storm, runners and road angels huddled under a purple supply tent as hail pelted the ground. Other tents were crushed.

The Barcelonas avoided one deluge by sheltering in a Dollar General. When they felt the first drops of rain, they headed for the store, which was about a quarter-mile off the course, sacrificing hard-earned mileage for a dry haven. Next to the household cleaning supplies, the Barcelonas sat on flattened cardboard boxes and took off their shoes. They made sandwiches with ham, cheese, and a loaf of bread they bought on-site.

For a few hours, the couple shared their food and chatted with other runners who’d found their way to the Dollar General. It was a fun break from the race, but Todd knew that time spent inside was time they weren’t making progress. When the rain stopped, they had to recoup the lost mileage by walking or running late into the night.

As the race wore on, runners vented via online check-in comments about blisters and hip and knee pain. “All my body parts are screaming at each other. Can’t we just learn to get along? Just for 94 more miles?” one person wrote. Another complained, “Pain. My body is in pain. A lot of pain. Agonizing pain. Wow.”

Days of suffering frayed runners’ nerves. One confessed, “2 miles of tears for zero reason today. Yes, we are having fun.” Even Allison, usually the more stoic of the Barcelonas, had a deprivation-induced meltdown. She had to sit on a guardrail until she collected herself enough to continue.

The race conditions also shook runners’ sanity. At one check-in a participant joked, “Want to experience killer hallucinations, but need to pass a urinalysis? Run LAVS.” Another runner reported having a conversation with Theodore Roosevelt. Allison once thought she saw a horse standing in the middle of the road. Todd had to tell her that it wasn’t there.

The Barcelonas never leave each other’s side during a race; one would never finish without the other.

Ultramarathons all have one thing in common: Runners must cover a distance greater than a marathon’s standard 26.2 miles. Beyond that, the races can vary significantly. Some are defined by a set distance, anywhere from about 30 to hundreds of miles; others are classified by duration, with participants covering as much ground as they can in a set period. Some ultras can be finished in less than a day; some require several days. Participants might run on paved roads or trails; they might start at one point and finish at another or circle a looped course. Some courses have aid stations that provide food and fluids; others, like Vol State, lack official support. Ultras occur all over the world in all types of terrain and weather, from the frozen Arctic Circle to the extreme heat of Death Valley. No matter what race an ultramarathoner finishes, there’s always something harder out there.

After deciding to enter the ultra world, the Barcelonas hired Kevin Leathers, a running coach. At first Leathers was skeptical that Todd could finish a race that long. He’d never worked with anyone required to manage as much daily agony as Todd did. Leathers soon realized, however, that “Todd had a different definition of pain and discomfort” than most people—an asset when it came to ultras. “No sane person who has lived a stress or trauma-free life typically indulges in the voluntary trials, difficulty, and mental and physical dark places that the sport requires,” Leathers wrote to me in an email.

The Barcelonas ran several times per week and dedicated some of those runs to tackling longer and longer distances. They grew stronger by running hills and by exercising their upper bodies and core muscles. They optimized their diets and experimented with gear and fueling strategies. They persevered through blisters and sore muscles; Allison broke a toe. Eventually, Todd’s legs were strong enough that he no longer felt pain while running, although the ankle that was crushed in the accident still got tired and tight. Leathers never heard Todd complain.

Leathers also trains clients to deal with the mental side of ultras. “It’s like you’re in a nice room-temperature pot of water, and then gradually, all day, they turn it up—just tick, tick, tick, all day. It’s a very slow burn,” he said. “All of a sudden, it’s just awful.”

Todd and Allison competed in their first ultra, Run Under the Stars, in Paducah, Kentucky, in the summer of 2016. Overnight they circled a half-mile track, covering as much distance as they could in ten hours. Their goal was 38 miles. After nine and a half hours, they stopped at 36.5, pleased with the accomplishment. They’d found their niche: Endurance, it turned out, was a Barcelona specialty.

On June 26, 2017, almost three years after the crash, Todd was rear-ended by another driver. It happened while he was on his way home from work, this time driving a gray 2003 Dodge Durango, Allison’s old car. Allison was at work when her phone rang. She answered and heard Todd crying and shrieking. At first she couldn’t understand what he was saying. When finally he was able to communicate where he was, she left work and drove to the scene. She calmed Todd as much as she could. After speaking with the police, Todd was able to drive his vehicle away; the car that hit him had to be towed.

Todd’s fender-bender was a reminder that trauma still haunted him. Still, no matter what else was happening in their lives, the Barcelonas kept running. They met with Leathers regularly at a coffee shop to get new training plans. “As a couple and individually,” Leathers said, “I found out there was a lot more under the hood than meets the eye.”

Leathers once advised the Barcelonas about what to do if one of them was unable to continue in a race. He said they each needed to be clear that it was OK for the other to keep going. In time, however, he learned that his advice was moot. Allison and Todd never left each other’s side during a race, no matter what—one would never abandon the other to finish. It was Leathers who first referred to the couple as Team Barcelona.

Running had become part of Todd’s identity and key to his survival. “It’s something for me to hold on to,” he said. “And if it’s not there…” He tried to find words to explain. “I don’t know, I can’t go there,” he said.

Allison’s relationship with running had changed, too. During their meetings with Leathers, she asked pointed questions and listed their goals. Leathers had worked with many women like Allison. They’d had a career, raised a family, and come to running later in life. “They discover this inner beast, competitive, tough as nails,” Leathers said. “She’s got something there that she unleashed.”

One day, Todd and Allison came to Leathers with a new idea: They wanted to run 100-mile ultras. When a client mentions this goal to him, Leathers’s first job is to push back. “Are you sure?” he’ll ask. “Do you have any idea how hard that is?” He details the physical and time commitments that pushing the human body to cover such a long distance requires. But he couldn’t dissuade the Barcelonas.

In November 2017, Todd and Allison ran their first 100-mile race in Vienna, Illinois. Eventually, they advanced to multi-day races. And in June 2021, they ran their first ultra designed by Lake—the Last Annual Heart of the South Road Race.

HOTS is unique even by Lake’s standards. Runners board a bus at the Rock—the finish line of Vol State—and only learn where the race starts when the bus stops somewhere about 350 miles away. Every year it’s a different location. Lake designs the course to pass through as many towns and by as many interesting sights as possible, and despite the challenges of the race, the Barcelonas enjoyed taking in the scenery. They did the race the next year, intrigued by the idea of a new course. “Laz is such a detail man,” Allison said.

When Lake learned the Barcelonas’ story, he wasn’t surprised that they’d turned to ultras. “When you run ultras, you’re always rebuilding yourself,” he said. The Barcelonas were doing that as a unit. “They’re struggling together,” Lake said, “and they’re struggling to do something new.”

A cheeky sign posted along the final stretch of the course.

At about 6:15 p.m. on Friday, the eighth day of Vol State, the Barcelonas arrived at the Mountain Mart, a race landmark that sits high above the Sequatchie Valley, about 23 miles from the finish line. The store’s name was spelled out in individual letters cut from wood, painted red, and cracked by exposure to wind, sun, and rain. Inside, Allison ordered two of the store’s famous giant burgers from a woman in a black hairnet behind the counter. Then the Barcelonas found a table where they could wait for their food. They sat in chairs bolted to the tile floor, sandwiched between shelves of paper towels and toilet paper on one side and display cases of rifles and handguns on the other.

A middle-aged woman with short blond hair and an oversize black purse walked up to a cooler near the couple. Noticing the Barcelonas’ packs, she asked them why she’d seen so many people walking on the highway. Allison and Todd explained.

“What an adventure,” the woman said. “It’s like you’re really living life.” They exchanged pleasantries, and the woman turned to pull a case of hard seltzer from the cooler. Then she blurted out, “Yeah, get all the life you can, because tomorrow I’m burying my husband.”

Allison couldn’t speak. Todd managed, “Oh no.” And then: “How old?”

“Sixty-four,” the woman said. “Yeah, love of my life. So ya’ll walk on.”

Then she stepped away, turned past some shelves, and was gone.

Allison was trying to hold back a flood of tears. Todd took a napkin from the dispenser between them and gave it to her. She clenched it in her fist as she hunched over, with her head bowed toward her knees. Todd leaned on his elbow, turning his face away.

“If people ask me now whether I’d want Todd to go through it again,” Allison said, referring to the crash, “and I automatically say yes, they don’t understand.”

One night back in 1986, Todd and Allison sat down to eat dinner. Todd had snuck a ring under Allison’s hamburger. When she picked up her food to take a bite, Todd proposed. Allison can’t remember the exact words he used. “Whatever he said, the answer would always have been yes,” she said. “I mean, we were just paired together for so long.”

Todd sees their bond in a similar light. “We’re just part of each other, I guess,” he said. “You can’t have one without the other.”

But given enough time, even soulmates can start to take each other for granted. The crash and its aftermath made Allison realize that, in her words, they’d been “going through the motions” as a couple. The accident became a catalyst for a different kind of relationship, one nourished by running long races together. “Now everything we go through, we go through as a team,” Allison said. What to many people might sound like the premise for a survival film is therapy for the Barcelonas: Pushing themselves to the limit with only each other to rely on has brought them closer.

“If people ask me now whether I’d want Todd to go through it again,” Allison said, referring to the crash, “and I automatically say yes, they don’t understand.” But they don’t have to.

Lake and Todd at the finish line.

The Barcelonas made it to Kimball, Tennessee, the last town they’d pass through before the Vol State finish line, a little after 11 p.m. on Friday night—a few hours after stopping at the Mountain Mart. They had a decision to make: Would they get some rest or push through to the end? They walked into the white, freshly remodeled lobby of a roadside hotel to discuss their options. A soft bed and air-conditioning awaited mere feet away. Still, they decided to continue.

Back outside, where the neon lights of gas stations and fast-food restaurants glowed in the dark, the Barcelonas headed for the Shelby Rhinehart Bridge spanning the Tennessee River. Called the Blue Bridge by runners because of the shade of its elegant metal arches, the structure marked 11 miles from the end of the race. They kept going, eventually crossing into Georgia’s northwestern corner. With six miles to go, they began their ascent of Sand Mountain and walked what’s known as the Cheesegrater, a road riddled with potholes. For many exhausted Vol Staters, taking a few extra steps to avoid the craters wasn’t worth it—runners remained fixated on the shortest, straightest course to the finish. “Had rocks in my shoes,” one participant said. “My brain kept telling me to stop and get them out, and I was like—no, we don’t care anymore. Just go.”

Finally, the Barcelonas made it to the private ranch where the Rock is located. They walked through a stone entrance and down a tree-lined driveway before turning left onto the race’s final stretch. A sign placed by Lake greeted them: “Finish—one mile! No kidding.” A red arrow pointed the way.

The couple followed a pair of tire tracks worn into a grassy path between cornfields. Runners who’d already finished the race had reported seeing a mountain lion in the area. One report could be dismissed as a hallucination; two were cause for concern. When the ranch owner confirmed that a wilderness camera had caught a large cat on the property, Lake posted a warning on Facebook. But the Barcelonas were too exhausted to worry about wild animals in the cornstalks.

The recent storms had made sections of the path almost impassable. The Barcelonas’ shoes squished when they slipped in the muck. At one point the ground sucked a sneaker right off Allison’s foot, but she managed to step back into it. More of Lake’s signs appeared, taunting her and Todd.

“Finish—Last Mile! (really) (trust me!)”

“Finish—only 1 more mile! We really mean it this time!”

“Finish—one mile! We would never lie to you!”

At about 4:45 a.m., after 24 hours of traveling nonstop over the final 38 miles of the course, the Barcelonas emerged from a wooded area into a clearing—Allison first, Todd a bit behind her. Their gasps for air joined an early-morning chorus of crickets and frogs. Lake appeared, too—he’d been sleeping in his car—and led them to the Rock to take in the view of victory. Just a hint of light had turned the sky from black to dark blue.

Allison walked out onto the moss-covered stone that forms the cliff’s edge and stood at a metal guardrail with a red stop sign. Lake announced her finishing time: She’d covered 314 miles in 8 days, 21 hours, 21 minutes, and 10 seconds. Todd then took Allison’s place at the guardrail. His time, Lake said, was 8 days, 21 hours, 21 minutes, and 53 seconds.

The Barcelonas hobbled to a nearby tent. Todd’s feet were throbbing, and he was scared to take off his shoes—because of what his feet might look like, because he might not get them back on, or both. Lake joked with them, inventing a story that Todd had battled the mountain lion with his bare hands while Allison sprinted to the finish. Slowly, the Barcelonas’ haggard faces became more visible as the sun rose.

Another runner finished. “Y’all been together the whole time?” she asked the couple. Todd told her they had. “That’s a crazy way to do it,” she replied. “I don’t think I like anybody enough to spend eight days suffering with them.”

The Barcelonas laughed.


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Anatomy of a Murder

 Anatomy 
 of a 
 Murder 
 

The Atavist Magazine, No. 151


John Rosengren is a journalist in Minneapolis and has written for more than 100 publications, including The Atlantic, Sports Illustrated, and The Washington Post Magazine. He is the author of nine books, including Hank Greenberg: The Hero of Heroes. His previous Atavist story, “The Pretender,” was published as Issue No. 107.

Editor: Jonah Ogles
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Kyla Jones
Illustrator: Marco Lawrence

Published in May 2024.


Grand Marais is a quiet outpost on Lake Superior’s North Shore, set among boreal forest in the easternmost corner of Minnesota. The town of roughly 1,300 is home to a mix of artists and outdoor enthusiasts, working-class people and professionals, liberals and diehard Trump supporters. In the summer, Grand Marais’s art galleries, shops, and restaurants swell with tourists drawn to what the website Budget Travel once dubbed “America’s Coolest Small Town.” The wait for a table at the Angry Trout Café, which serves locally sourced cuisine in an old fishing shanty, can run to more than an hour. When summer is over, the town retreats into itself again, which suits full-time residents just fine. “Even though we’re a tourism economy, most of us live a life where we just don’t want to be bothered,” said Steve Fernlund, who published the Cook County News Herald in the 1990s and now writes a weekly column for The North Shore Journal. “I’m at the end of a road, and I’ve got 12 acres of land. My closest neighbors are probably about 600 feet away through the woods. So, you know, we appreciate being hermits.”

Content warning: This story contains graphic descriptions of the sexual abuse of children.

Yet privacy only extends so far here. Gossip travels fast while having breakfast at the South of the Border café, or in chance encounters along Wisconsin Street. Everybody knows everybody else’s business—or thinks they do. “Even though there are differences of opinion—we have an eclectic collection of opinions—this is a close-knit community,” said Dennis Waldrop, who manages the Cook County Historical Museum. “Anything that happens here is discussed extensively.”

The residents of Grand Marais have had a lot to discuss in recent years. A suspicious fire that destroyed the historic Lutsen Lodge. The suicide of their neighbor Mark Pavelich, a star on the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team that defeated the Soviet Union. Plans for the 40 acres near town owned by convicted sex offender Warren Jeff’s fundamentalist clan. All those events stirred plenty of talk.

But nothing has captivated local conversation quite like what happened between Larry Scully and Levi Axtell in March 2023. A shocking act of violence attracted international attention and split the town over questions of truth and justice. Grand Marais is still trying to piece itself back together.


Every small town has its cast of offbeat characters. Larry Scully was one of Grand Marais’s. Larry, who was 77 in 2023, dwelled on the fringe of town, where Fifth Street meets Highway 61, and on the fringe of reality. His two-bedroom house, which used to belong to his parents, was crowded with items he’d hoarded over the years. The mess spilled into his front yard, which was cluttered with satellite dishes, a statue of the Virgin Mary, and a wood-frame sign advertising “antler bone art.” The sign was decorated with several of Larry’s scrimshaw carvings, which he hawked at art fairs. In addition to carving, he’d tried his hand at an array of other pursuits: refurbishing broken electronics, selling solar-powered generators that could run home appliances in the event of an emergency, and even fashioning leather lingerie that he peddled to women. Larry had had no stable career to speak of since he arrived in town in the early 1980s.

Larry was a conspiracy theorist. On his Facebook page, he posted videos and articles declaring that the federal government controlled the weather, that Sandy Hook was a hoax, that Timothy McVeigh was a “CIA patsy,” that the totalitarian New World Order was real. Around Grand Marais, Larry was also known to be exceedingly religious. He attended Mass on Saturday evenings at St. John’s Catholic Church, always sitting in the front row, and he believed that the statues there cried actual tears—sometimes of blood. He carried a lock of hair that he said once belonged to Father Mark Hollenhorst, a priest at St. John’s who died in 1993, in a leather pouch around his neck; he claimed that it could effect miraculous cures.

Larry referred to himself as a prophet and would often appear around town dressed in a cloak and sandals and carrying a wooden staff. He once showed up on the courthouse steps for the National Day of Prayer clad all in black, his head covered by a medieval-type chainmail hood, and fell to his knees screaming. Another time he berated a group of gay people who’d gathered in downtown Grand Marais, shouting through a bullhorn that God didn’t approve of them.

Many locals found Larry’s zeal exhausting. “When I’d see him, I’d know I was going to be there for a long time, because he’d go on and on,” said Laura Laky, a Grand Marais resident. “He’d talk about the end-times, the Book of Revelation, Christ coming again.”

Other people were scared of Larry. Rumors that he abused children circulated around Grand Marais for years. People whispered about him watching kids from his parked car. There were claims that he’d videotaped girls’ volleyball games and children at Sven and Ole’s, the local pizzeria. A member of the nearby Chippewa tribe told me that Larry had been banned from the Grand Portage powwow after parents complained about him passing out candy to their children.

Larry once approached a man named Gary Nesgoda at a gas station and asked if he had kids. When Nesgoda said that he did, Larry showed him pictures of a fairy garden he’d built behind his house. There were miniature staircases and doors, and little figurines set amid tree roots. Larry insisted that Nesgoda, who had recently moved to Grand Marais, should bring his kids over to see it. “Everything he was telling me sounded pretty neat,” Nesgoda told me. Then, in the gas station parking lot, someone who’d overheard the conversation stopped Nesgoda. “Do not bring your children over there,” they warned.

This was a common theme. “Larry was the boogeyman,” said Brian Larsen, editor and publisher of the Cook County News Herald, who is a father of four children. “You’d tell your kids to stay the heck away from him.”

In 2014, Larry decided to run for mayor of Grand Marais. In a candidate forum broadcast on WTIP, a community radio station, he ranted about Christianity. “We can’t sit by and let our government stop us from having the Bible in the military, taking out the crucifixes, taking out the Ten Commandments in our federal buildings and establishments,” he said. Then, just before election day, the Cook County News Herald ran a front-page article that seemed to confirm the longstanding speculation about Larry. The piece detailed his criminal conviction for the sexual assault of a six-year-old girl.

“Take whatever treatment is available to you,” the judge said, “because this type of conduct, of course, is just wholly unacceptable.”

Before he became an object of fear and fascination in Grand Marais, Larry was married—twice. For a time he lived with his second wife, Sheila, in Ramsey, about 25 miles outside Minneapolis. On Ash Wednesday in 1979, Sheila went to evening Mass and then to bowl in her weekly league, leaving Larry home alone with their five children: three young boys from his first marriage and six-year-old twins, a boy and a girl, from hers. While the other children slept, according to police and court records, Larry invited his stepdaughter into his bedroom.

The little girl later told a police investigator that he showed her “pictures of naked people,” touched her “potty area” with a vibrator, then stuck his tongue and finger into her vagina. She said it wasn’t the only time he’d touched her, and that he’d warned her not to tell anyone, but she went to her mother anyway. Sheila reported the incident to child welfare services, who notified law enforcement. She told the police investigator that her husband had also recently become violent and suicidal.

The police arrested Larry. In a recorded statement with investigators, he admitted that he’d had sexual contact with his stepdaughter on two Wednesday evenings while his wife was bowling. A psychiatrist determined that he was competent to stand trial, finding no evidence of “any kind of psychiatric disorder.” Rather than face a jury, Larry confessed to second-degree criminal sexual conduct, and the prosecution recommended a sentence of five years. Two court psychologists submitted reports indicating that Larry wasn’t open to receiving treatment. At an October 1979 hearing, the judge urged Larry to reconsider. “Take whatever treatment is available to you,” the judge said, “because this type of conduct, of course, is just wholly unacceptable.”

Larry was incarcerated in Minnesota’s Stillwater prison, and in records from his time there, there’s no mention of him receiving counseling or treatment, though he did join a Bible study. Soon, changes to the state’s sentencing guidelines allowed Larry to seek early release. Since the state did not provide evidence that doing so would “present a danger to the public,” the court approved Larry’s request. He left prison on January 19, 1982, after serving a little more than two years for his crime.

In those days, there was no sex offender registry in Minnesota, or in most states. Larry was at liberty to go where he liked. Sheila had divorced him by then, and his three sons were living with their mother. Larry, who was 36 at the time, hitchhiked to Grand Marais to move in with his parents.

Three decades later, Larry lost the town’s mayoral election, 345 votes to 42. Many locals were surprised that he’d gotten any votes at all, especially after the story broke about his criminal record. “Forty-something people voted for him,” said Amber Waldrop, who lived down the street from Larry. “They knew about this guy. For anybody to even think that someone like that should become mayor of this town is sickening.”

Some of those votes came from Larry’s friends, many of whom shared his belief in conspiracy theories. Perhaps it’s no surprise that they also believed what Larry told them: that the accusations against him were made up, that his ex-wife had encouraged her daughter to lie to the police, that he only took the plea deal to avoid a long prison sentence.

Larry’s friends knew that he tended to hijack conversations and go on at length about topics ranging from the Rapture to homeopathic cures, and that he engaged strangers in ways many people found uncomfortable. But being an oddball, they said, isn’t a crime. Some of his friends thought Larry was on the autism spectrum, which made it hard for him to read social cues and show empathy. “This man has been persecuted all of his life,” said Bob Stangler, a Vietnam veteran who knew Larry for years. “The citizens of the area have labeled him a pervert, and he’s not a pervert at all. He’s a genius with Asperger’s who’s overcaring of people.”

A woman I’ll call Carol, who asked that her real name not be used, said she was so close with Larry that she spoke to him almost daily for 12 years. She knew him to visit sick people, distribute food to the needy, and take care of his ailing mother, who died in 2013. At her memorial service, Larry displayed his mother’s ashes in a cookie jar resembling the Star Wars character R2-D2, saying that it was what she wanted. (His father passed away in 1997.) “As long as I’ve known him, he never hurt anybody,” Carol told me.

She knows that hers is a minority opinion, that for many people in town Larry was foremost a convicted sex offender. “You can never get rid of that label,” she said.

Once they learned about his 1979 conviction, many parents in Grand Marais were more worried than ever that Larry posed a threat to their children. It’s a common enough fear. On the far right, popular conspiracy theories such as QAnon decry a global cabal of child molesters, but even among the general population, concern about the danger posed by pedophiles is widespread. In a Lynn University poll, 75 percent of roughly 200 Florida adults said they believed that sex offenders would reoffend. Yet according to a meta-study conducted by researchers at Public Safety Canada in 2004, one of the most comprehensive available, only 23 percent of people convicted of child sexual abuse were charged or convicted of a similar crime within the next 15 years. (The study’s authors concede that many victims never come forward.) In interviews for this story, researchers noted that recidivism rates have declined even more in recent years.

No one came forward to accuse Larry of more recent abuse after his 1979 conviction. Still, perception alone was enough to put many Grand Marais parents on edge. For one young man, that concern became an obsession.


If you were passing through Grand Marais a few years back and stopped for gas at the Holiday station on the corner of Broadway and Highway 61, you might have met a stocky cashier with a round, friendly face. While making change, he might have told you one of his homespun puns or signature dad jokes: Why does Paul Bunyan trip in the woods? Because he’s always felling.

That cashier was Levi Axtell. He was raised by his parents, Denise and Treg, in Hovland, a small community located 18 miles from Grand Marais. The Axtells were devout Christians and widely respected in Grand Marais, where they both worked. Denise was a nurse, Treg a physical therapist. The couple had three children: daughters Karlee and Katrina, and Levi, the youngest.

Levi grew up in a picturesque log cabin in a clearing among birch and pine trees. The woods were his playground. He spent hours there as a child, often with his friend and neighbor Cedar Adams. They roasted marshmallows over campfires, tried to catch fish barehanded, and played make-believe, running through the trees as if an attacker were pursuing them.

But Levi couldn’t outrun his demons. There was a history of addiction on Denise’s side of the family, and Levi seemed to have inherited a predisposition to substance abuse. At Cook County High School, he played football, ran track, and drank. Brad Wilson, a carpenter in Grand Marais who was a few years behind him in school, recalled Levi getting caught with liquor bottles in his locker and running from the cops.

Levi’s parents sent him to finish school in Duluth, but he was cited twice within two months for underage drinking. The first time was at Duluth East High School. On the morning of May 29, 2014, when a resource officer tried to restrain him, an inebriated Levi pulled away. The officer wrestled Levi to the ground, but he pushed himself up and army-crawled—with the officer on top of him—down the hallway, until he wore himself out. Levi spent two days in jail and was charged with disorderly conduct and obstructing the legal process with force. “I didn’t know it made the charges worse if you resisted arrest,” he later told Cedar Adams.

Not long after, a law enforcement officer stopped Levi as he walked along the shoulder of Interstate 35. The officer smelled booze on his breath, and Levi admitted that he’d been drinking. The officer cited him and let him go after Levi dumped out a container of alcohol he was carrying.

Three days later, Levi was given a year of probation for his disorderly conduct at Duluth East. (The obstruction charge was dropped.) A judge also ordered him to obtain a chemical-dependency assessment and follow any recommendations. Levi satisfied the terms of his probation, including a stint in treatment.

By 2015, Levi had started dating Anna Ross, who was from Duluth. Their daughter was born on June 17, 2016. Anna had just turned 19; Levi was 20. At first they didn’t live together—Anna stayed in Duluth, while Levi lived with his parents in Hovland. He adored his daughter and beamed when she was in his arms.

Despite the new light in his life, Levi remained burdened at times by darkness. About a year after his daughter’s birth, on the Sunday evening of Memorial Day weekend, Levi got drunk, taped a vacuum hose to the exhaust pipe of his car, ran the other end through the back window, and started the engine. When he texted Anna about what he’d done, she called the sheriff’s department. While she was on the phone with them, Levi called her, and she talked him into turning off the car. Deputies arrived at his home and transported Levi to the hospital. It appears that he received some psychiatric treatment after the incident; a year later he indicated in a court document that he’d been a patient in a mental hospital and had seen a psychiatrist.

Despite his troubles, Levi was by all accounts goofy and lovable. Christina Conroy, a friend who worked with Levi briefly at the Holiday station, described him as “a beautiful soul.” Cedar Adams said, “He’s the best person you’ll ever meet. He’s joyful.” Michael Farnum, another friend, told me, “Levi is very kind and caring. He’d give you the shirt off his back.” His mother, Denise, described Levi as “a sweet, thoughtful boy.” (Levi’s family otherwise declined to talk to me.)

People who knew him casually from encounters at Holiday or Grand Marais’s Whole Foods Co-op, where he also briefly worked, described Levi as personable and a hard worker. Pat Eliasen, the Cook County sheriff and a former assistant coach for the varsity football team at the local high school, coached Levi, who played nose tackle and offensive guard. “You’d tell Levi to do a technique or something and he would just go do it,” Eliasen told me. “You couldn’t find a better football player than that.”

A photo posted on Facebook in 2023 shows Levi with his daughter climbing on his shoulders. According to friends, she was his everything. He was often her primary caregiver while Anna completed a social work degree and later held down two jobs. In the winter, Levi built his daughter snow forts that were so solid he could light a campfire inside. He and his daughter cooked together, drew pictures, and took walks. “She’s his life,” Adams told me.

Levi could not bear the thought of anything bad happening to his little girl. Like any parent, he was on the lookout for any threat to his child. At some point, his attention came to rest squarely on Larry Scully.

Levi and Anna got married in late 2018, but they filed for divorce less than two years later, signing legal paperwork that said “the marriage cannot be saved” due to “an irretrievable breakdown of our marriage relationship.” Levi’s mental health no doubt played at least some role in this.

The following winter, Levi staged a one-man protest urging a boycott of the Whole Foods Co-op, where he’d recently been employed. He’d earned $14 an hour stocking produce and ringing up groceries, but he didn’t think it was enough to provide for his daughter. Her day care alone cost $760 a month. After wrangling with the store’s management over a personal tip jar he propped up at the register, Levi lost his job. Soon after that, he set up a table and chair outside the store’s entrance along with a sign demanding that the co-op pay living wages.

Levi sat alone in the bitter cold for days—some locals remember it as weeks. He collected a few donations that he split with other co-op employees, but on the whole his campaign garnered scant sympathy. For a lot of people, it was a sign that something might not be quite right with Levi. “That was an indicator to me that perhaps he was struggling with his mental health,” his friend Christina Conroy told me.

After that, to make ends meet, Levi did odd jobs: clearing snow from roofs, picking weeds, cutting down trees, cleaning apartments, building shelves. By the end of 2022, he and Anna had reconciled enough that they agreed to live together for their daughter’s sake. They shared a split-level home on the edge of Grand Marais, and their property backed up against the woods behind Larry’s house. That meant Levi was now neighbors with the man who, over the previous five years, he’d come to consider his worst nightmare.

According to friends, Levi generally kept his fears about Larry to himself following the outburst at Trinity Lutheran. He didn’t bring up Larry in casual conversation, though it seemed that Larry was on his mind. He once posted a meme on Facebook depicting a person holding a gun, with a caption that read, “Only cure for pedophiles. A bullet.” In a comment below the image, Levi wrote, “People always ask me why I hate pedophiles. They assume I’ve been abused. But really I think being protective is just an Axtell trait.”

His friend Amber Waldrop knew that trait well. She’d met Levi in an outpatient treatment program for addiction, and she found that despite his personal struggles—or maybe because of them—he looked out for other people. Once, they were walking on the lakeshore together and stumbled upon a hornets’ nest. Waldrop thought that she’d been stung and panicked because she was allergic and didn’t have an EpiPen with her. Levi rushed her home in his car. In another instance, when Waldrop was in a dark place, Levi talked her through it. “He has a really big heart,” Waldrop told me.

Many people in Grand Marais knew that Levi had issues and that he could be aggressive when he was drunk. But those close to him didn’t imagine that he would commit brutal violence against another person. On March 8, 2023, Brad Wilson, the carpenter who lived next to Larry Scully, learned that they were wrong.

As the light drained from the sky that afternoon, Wilson was in his garage putting away some tools when he heard a loud crash, like the sound of a car accident. It came from Larry’s driveway. Wilson raced over and saw that Levi had slammed his white Dodge Caravan into Larry’s car. Levi had then jumped out of the van, grabbed a garden shovel from the deck, and barged inside the house. Wilson arrived on the scene in time to hear Larry’s screams.

Wilson stopped short of going inside. He heard the thud of the shovel hitting something, then hitting it again. “Help! Help!” Larry cried out.

Wilson, who had mowed Larry’s lawn the previous summer without pay and generally felt sorry for the man, wanted to intervene, but he feared for his own safety. From his vantage at the front door, he could tell that Levi was in a drunken rage. And Wilson knew from watching Levi play football when they were in high school that although he was only five foot eight and 185 pounds, he was strong. Wilson also feared that Levi might have a gun.

Wilson went around the back of the house to look through an open window. He saw that Levi had trapped Larry in a corner of the kitchen. Hemmed in by stacks of hoarded junk, 77-year-old Larry had nowhere to go. Wilson saw Levi swing the shovel at Larry, who raised his arms as a frail shield against the blows.

Wilson ducked beneath the window and called the sheriff’s department. He then heard a different kind of smash and what was “almost like gurgling.” Wilson said, “It sounded like he was choking on his own blood.” The screaming stopped; Wilson knew that Larry was dead.

Levi bolted out of the house, got into his van, and peeled away. But he wasn’t fleeing. Instead, spattered with his victim’s blood, he drove four blocks to the sheriff’s department, walked inside, and announced that he had just killed Larry Scully. He confessed that he had hit Larry between 15 and 20 times with a shovel, then “finished him off” with a large moose antler.

According to a report from the court-appointed psychologist who evaluated him, Levi considered himself a hero for killing Larry: “[He] believes that others are likely ‘relieved this was taken care of.’”

At Levi’s arraignment, Cook County attorney Molly Hicken successfully argued that bail should be set at $1 million. She told Judge Cuzzo, who was again presiding, “This was a brutal attack without provocation on an elderly man.” People close to Larry thought the attack was provoked—by his brothers Patrick and Jon. “They basically got the whole town against him,” his son Paul told me. “They created the environment where my father could be lynched.”

It was a sentiment that Larry himself had voiced at the hearing three years prior, when Patrick sought a restraining order. “He’s talked to other people and had Levi Axtell say I was trying to groom his daughter,” Larry said. “This shows the vindictiveness of my brother Patrick. He’s trying to establish that I’m a predator.”

According to a report from Mischelle Vietanen, the court-appointed psychologist who evaluated him, Levi considered himself a hero for killing Larry. “[He] believes that others are likely ‘relieved this was taken care of,’ ” Vietanen wrote. She determined that Levi was “impacted by hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia,” and that he was “unable or unwilling to take responsibility for making decisions to interrupt a repeat of impulsive, harmful behaviors.”

Based on Vietanen’s recommendation, Cuzzo found Levi incompetent to stand trial and suspended the criminal charges against him. Should he regain competency, prosecutors could proceed with trying him for second-degree murder.

In a separate and parallel proceeding before a different judge, the Cook County Public Health and Human Services Department pursued a civil commitment of Levi on the grounds—supported by Vietanen’s report—that he was mentally ill and dangerous as well as chemically dependent. At a hearing held via Zoom on June 23, 2023, Levi sat at a table inside the Lake County jail in Two Harbors, 80 miles down Highway 61 from Grand Marais. He wore a black-and-white-striped uniform. He picked at his hands while answering a series of questions, agreeing that he met the criteria for civil commitment. He appeared docile, almost childlike. The judge, David M. Johnson, ordered that Levi be committed, “for an initial period not to exceed 90 days,” to a secure treatment facility.

Levi would remain in the Two Harbors jail for nearly a year, waiting for a bed to open up at a psychiatric facility. When I spoke to him briefly on the phone in late September 2023, he couldn’t discuss the particulars of his case, but he told me a story about a time when he was working at the Holiday gas station and a customer—a man who drove a snowplow for the city—reached across the counter and slapped him in the face. Levi said that he reported the incident to the sheriff’s department, but “they were saying since he didn’t slap me very hard, I shouldn’t have called about it. I was feeling like the cops didn’t care about anything that happened.”

Levi told me that he didn’t know Larry was arrested for trespassing at the gas station, or that the arrest had led to his civil commitment. It seemed as though Levi mostly felt that law enforcement had failed to find a permanent solution—meaning a way to keep Larry away from his daughter and other kids forever.

While he awaited transfer, Levi was able to see visitors, including his daughter. He passed the time drawing pictures that he intended for his daughter and others to color. He sent them to his sister Katrina, dozens every week, and she posted the pictures on Facebook with the invitation, “Please consider mailing him your colored version of his artwork, a letter, photos, and/or a piece of art of your own creation.”

Levi also sent drawings to his friends. One of them went to Amber Waldrop. It depicted a bird’s wings spread wide. “To my dear friend Amber,” Levi wrote. “Remember to … celebrate every victory. To not give up … To leave the past behind … And on your darkest days I hope you learn to dance in the rain.”

When Waldrop showed the drawing to me, she said, “It’s almost like he’s giving himself advice.”

It didn’t take long for a substantial cohort of people in Grand Marais to elevate Levi to the status of folk hero. In their view, what he did was in service of the greater good. Brandy Aldrighetti, a sexual-abuse survivor who lived near Larry, told the Star Tribune, “To me, Levi is like St. George who slayed the dragon—he killed a monster.” Kelsey Valento, a Grand Marais resident and mother, posted an article about the murder on her Facebook page with a comment addressing Levi directly: “I stand by you for removing a horrible nasty pedophile from this community.”

Within days of the crime, his sister Katrina had started a crowdfunding campaign, “to ease the financial burden of the family.” As of this writing, it had raised more than $7,000. When Katrina saw that Amber Lovaasen, Larry’s niece, had posted on Facebook that she and her family had nothing against Levi, she reached out. Soon Lovaasen had designed T-shirts featuring the words, “Our Connection Is Our Strength. Two Families. One Goal. Stop Childhood Sexual Abuse.” She told me that “my family and Levi’s family are coming together pretty much as one family now.”

She does not speak for Larry’s three sons. “I feel sorry for this poor Levi guy,” Paul told me. “He’s obviously got mental issues. I just hope my father gets some justice, that his name is cleared, and he can be seen as the kind, gentle, loving person he was.” Paul and his brothers also hoped to inherit Larry’s house, but a district court judge ruled in March 2024 that a photocopy of their grandmother’s will appointing Larry the sole inheritor of the property was not valid. That placed the home in the possession of Larry’s seven siblings.

His siblings had mixed reactions to Larry’s death. His sister Beth told me that she was worried when she heard the news. “I wanted to make sure that none of my siblings had done anything,” she said. “When I realized that everybody I loved was OK and they all had alibis and it was not them, then I felt relief, kind of lighter and bouncier.” His sister Jane said, “Nobody has the right take anybody else’s life, but when Larry was beating me up and doing things to me as a kid, I wish I would have had access to something to kill him.” Patrick told me that he feels Larry’s death was preventable, if the court system had only listened to him and his siblings. “The sad thing is we tried to warn authorities something like this was going to happen,” he said. “We were afraid some kid’s dad would go over and kill him when they found out about him.”

Within a week of the murder, someone created an online petition asking people to sign “if you agree that Levi Axtell should not be charged with any crimes and immediately be released from jail.” As of mid-May 2024, it had drawn nearly 900 signatures. The petition asks people to “stand by this father, who tried to seek relief via the justice system which failed him.” People who signed the petition noted various reasons for doing so: “I would’ve done exactly what he did if the court system failed me” (Dmitri Birmingham); “Anyone with children understands how this man felt and why he acted” (Joan Folmer); “The world is better off without a child molester!” (Grace Koopman).

Paisley Howard-Larsen, a local mother, told me that she believes Levi did the community a service by killing Larry. “I think this should have been done a long time ago, and I feel bad that it had to be Levi doing it,” she said. “I don’t even see Larry as a human. I think he’s just a monster. It makes me really sad that Levi is going to do any sort of time, whether it’s in a prison or a mental institution. I don’t think that’s right. I think he should have got off free.”

“Even though he actually murdered somebody?” I asked.

“Yeah. I think he did the right thing.”

Others in town, while not condoning murder, nevertheless welcomed the news of Larry’s death. One mother of four young children said, “What Levi did wasn’t justified, but that’s not to say I’m not thankful for it.” Others felt that Levi had been treated unfairly by the state. “Levi tried to go the legal route, he tried to do what he was supposed to do,” his longtime friend Cedar Adams said, citing Levi’s effort to get a protective order against Larry. “They say, ‘Don’t corner a wild animal, because if you do it will attack.’ I feel he felt he was backed into a corner and had no other choice. I feel he’s a victim more than anything.”

Adams’s boyfriend, Nick Swenson, who works at Buck’s Hardware, never met Larry but had heard rumors about him. “You can’t go around killing people,” Swenson told me, “but Levi couldn’t have picked a better person.”


There’s another side to public opinion, and its defining feature is dismay. The Cook County News Herald published a letter from Jim Boyd, a Grand Marais resident and retired newspaper editor, that argued against vigilante justice. “Scully had not been arrested, charged, jailed, tried, or convicted of any recent crime,” Boyd wrote, referring to the fact that no one had come forward to accuse Larry of abuse since 1979. “You can’t go around killing people just because they are horrible. (The dead would be stacked up like cord wood.)” Similarly, on Facebook threads about the case that mostly lionize Levi and disparage pedophiles, an occasional voice of dissent pops up. For example: “You can’t just murder people because you ‘think’ they might do something” (Penelope Orl). And: “Child molestation is horrible and wrong. Murdering someone by butchery is also wrong” (Don Croker).

For Larry’s friends and sons, much of the discourse about his death is chilling. “He did not deserve to die the way he did,” Carol told me. “I hate the way Levi’s family and Pat and Jon are going after Larry as a monster, and Levi’s a hero.” She conveyed that the main reason she didn’t want her real name used in this story was that she feared repercussions from Larry’s brothers.

She wasn’t the only person to request anonymity. People on both sides of the Levi–Larry divide told me that they were concerned about their reputations. Two sources said the situation is so polarizing that having their names attached to their opinions might hurt their businesses.

On March 7, 2024, Levi was finally moved to the Forensic Mental Health Program, a locked facility in St. Peter, Minnesota. Where his life goes from here, and how the dust of his crime will settle in Grand Marais, is an open question. During my visit to Grand Marais last August, I spent the better part of an hour talking to Amber Waldrop and her father, Dennis, a thoughtful man with a thick gray beard. We met in a building downtown overlooking Lake Superior’s seemingly infinite horizon. When it came to this story, the Waldrops saw no happy ending in sight.

“It’s just a series of people being hurt: Larry’s family, Levi’s ex-wife and daughter, Levi’s parents,” Dennis told me. “There are a lot of victims here. And being in a small town, there’s a conflict going on with what happened and what should’ve happened. It’s a tough line to walk. This is sensational news to the rest of the world, but we’re living it.”


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