The Balloon that Fell from the Sky

The Balloon that Fell from the Sky

Fifteen teams lifted off from Switzerland in gas ballooning’s most audacious race. Three days later, two of them drifted into Belarusian airspace—but only one would survive.

By Nick Davidson

The Atavist Magazine, No. 161


Nick Davidson is a journalist based in Santa Fe, New Mexico. His writing has appeared in Outside, Men’s Journal, Truly Adventurous, Garden & Gun, and High Country News, among other publications.

Editor: Jonah Ogles
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Jake Conley
Illustrator: Derek Bacon

Published in March 2025


ONE

THE WINDS were fast and the skies clear for the two days and nights that Mike Wallace and Kevin Brielmann had been airborne. The Spirit of Springfield, Wallace’s 1,000-cubic-meter hydrogen-gas balloon, drifted eastward over Poland at around 5,000 feet. It was already the longest flight either pilot had endured. The Americans had launched from Wil, Switzerland, on Saturday, September 9, crossing Lake Constance in the moonlight alongside a muster of 14 other balloons representing seven nations.

Each balloon carried two copilots vying to prevail in the 1995 Coupe Aéronautique Gordon Bennett, ballooning’s oldest and most prestigious aeronautical race. The goal was to travel the farthest distance possible before landing. Only the world’s most daring and decorated aeronauts could claim a spot in the field. The race typically lasted one or two days, and occasionally stretched into a third. No Gordon Bennett balloon had ever flown a fourth night, but favorable weather and a stretch of newly opened airspace now made that feat attainable for the first time. “It was fabulous, and we knew it,” said Martin Stürzlinger, a member of the ground crew for a balloon called the D-Caribbean.

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By noon on Monday, September 11, the race’s third day, only ten of the 15 balloons remained aloft. The rest had flown as far as they could before landing in Austria, Germany, or Poland. From the air, Wallace and Brielmann knew only that their friends Alan Fraenckel and John Stuart-Jervis, who raced under the U.S. Virgin Islands flag, were still flying nearby in the D-Caribbean. The two teams had remained within a couple dozen miles of each other for the race’s duration. Riding the same winds, they’d been in frequent radio contact to check in, share weather data, and trade friendly banter. On the ground, Wallace and Brielmann’s chase crew, tasked with keeping tabs on their whereabouts and relaying weather information, navigated a maze of Polish roads, ready to retrieve them wherever they landed.

Fraenckel radioed Wallace early that evening. “What altitude are you guys flying?” Fraenckel asked. The two men were close friends—they had raced together as copilots—and they used a private radio frequency to communicate. Wallace told him that they were plodding along at four or five thousand feet and struggling with a tenuous inversion, a stable air mass where warm air sits atop cooler air.

“Spend some sand,” Fraenckel said, “and come up to 11,000 feet. Got a really solid inversion here. You can sit on it all night.”

The hydrogen that fills the spherical envelope of a gas balloon is what powers its lift. To climb the wind’s layers, aeronauts toss out spoonfuls of sand from the dozens of cloth bags hung outside the basket, a technique called ballasting. Wind flows in diverse directions at different altitudes, and pilots steer by ascending onto these invisible roads.

The Spirit of Springfield rose to join the D-Caribbean, and over the course of several hours, it surged ahead of Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis. Six of the remaining Gordon Bennett balloons continued on a northeasterly path toward Lithuania, including the Colombus II, containing the young German star Willi Eimers and his copilot, Bernd Landsmann. The wind that the Spirit of Springfield and the D-Caribbean caught in Poland, however, had turned them southeastward. Along with the Aspen following somewhere behind them, piloted by two formidable American aeronauts on a winning streak, they now cruised at a rapid 19 knots toward Belarus.

Each balloon in the race bore a yellow banner on its gondola identifying it as a Gordon Bennett participant. Race organizers had secured permission for the pilots to pass through any country the winds might carry them over, barring Russia. Just seven weeks prior, the country had scrambled fighter jets when a Virgin Atlantic passenger flight crossed Russia on a new route to Hong Kong. The jets threatened the plane with gunfire and forced it to land—even though the airline had cleared it with authorities. The organizers considered the country too unstable for competitors to enter its airspace, making the Russian border the hard eastern wall of the race. Any balloon that approached would be required to land or face disqualification.

Belarus and Ukraine, however, were young nations rendered independent by the Soviet Union’s collapse not quite four years prior. Both had agreed to open their skies to the race for the first time. The Cold War’s embers had darkened, and Wallace, for one, found the idea of more room to fly enticing. He felt good about their prospects as they entered a third night with plenty of ballast to spare. Behind them, Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis were faring just as well.

Brielmann had better eyes than Wallace, and he performed most of the navigation aboard the Spirit of Springfield once the sun set. Night flying was serene if disorienting; Brielmann enjoyed it. He took occasional 20-minute naps, the sky illuminated by a full moon, and the night passed without incident.

At 6:40 a.m. on Tuesday, September 12, as the Spirit of Springfield and the D-Caribbean flew south of Bialystok, a Polish weather probe ascended 60 miles to the west and, for a time, followed the balloons’ course. Both teams crossed into Belarus nearly an hour later.

At 9:34 a.m. local time, a Belarusian border guard in Brest looked up and noticed an object drifting through the skies 40 miles to the northeast, heading toward the town of Pruzhany. The guard wasn’t sure what the balloon was but thought it might pose a threat. He picked up the receiver and dialed the antiaircraft command post.

When it was a few hundred feet away, the Hind veered sideways, affording a menacing view of its machine guns and the cannon mounted in its turret.

JAMES Gordon Bennett Jr., the eccentric playboy and newspaper magnate who ran the New York Herald in its heyday, founded the Gordon Bennett Cup in 1906. Bennett was an avid sportsman who, among other endeavors, won the first transatlantic yacht race on a drunken bet in 1866. He also initiated a long-distance auto race that would morph into the Grand Prix, but by the turn of the century his interests had shifted to the skies. The Coupe Aéronautique’s aim was simple from the outset: The world’s finest gas balloonists would compete to fly the farthest distance from the launch field to claim the trophy. Each race commenced in the previous winner’s home country.

Bennett’s cup was wildly popular. At the inaugural 1906 race in Paris, 16 balloons set off from the Tuileries Gardens over a crowd of one million spectators. It was a risky endeavor. Gas ballooning demands skill and nerve. A balloon filled with hydrogen is lighter than air and travels at the wind’s mercy, borne along it like a leaf on a river. To pilot one for long distances, aeronauts must understand the peculiarities of wind, which can shift speed and direction as altitude changes. Catching a desired current requires expertly managing ballast to stay aloft as the supply of gas—1,000 cubic meters of hydrogen in the Gordon Bennett—slowly leaks from the envelope. Expansion and contraction with the sun’s rise and fall sends the balloon on a roller-coaster ride through the troposphere. All while the pilots dodge storm clouds, mountains, electrical wires, trees, and church spires, and submit to the sometimes violent whims of nature.

Before cars, GPS trackers, and smartphones were widely adopted, pilots were largely on their own. In the 1910 race, which launched from St. Louis, Americans Alan Hawley and Augustus Post were presumed dead when neither surfaced after a week. They had landed in the Canadian wilderness and trudged through dense forest in a snowstorm before stumbling on a French-Canadian fur trapper’s hut, whose inhabitants mistook them for apparitions and fell to their knees in prayer. Hawley and Post had secured a new world distance record in the adventure.

Hawley and Post were lucky; others were not. Since the race’s inception, nine pilots had perished from mountainside crashes, unexpected plummets, or rogue lightning storms. Mike Wallace faced his own harrowing journey during his second Gordon Bennett, which began in Lech, Austria, in 1991. Fighting a 103-degree fever and a storm, Wallace hung his balloon briefly on a ski-lift cable—and in stew-thick fog grazed the top of Grossglockner, Austria’s tallest mountain—before making a rough landing.

Early on Tuesday, September 12, Wallace and Brielmann spotted the eight-story D-Caribbean in the early-dawn light 12 miles behind them. It was the fourth day of the Gordon Bennett. The sun warmed the Spirit of Springfield’s envelope, swelled its hydrogen, and gradually carried it to 12,000 feet. Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis remained some 3,000 feet lower.

The night had been especially frigid in the cramped wicker basket, and Wallace’s back ached from an old injury. In 1966, he was working as a civilian in Vietnam when the military helicopter he rode in was shot down. The fiery crash burned 80 percent of his body and broke his back, his neck, 14 ribs, and a clavicle. He received a Purple Heart for the ordeal, at a time when civilians were still eligible for the award. By late morning, the Spirit of Springfield and the D-Caribbean had been airborne for more than 60 hours and 750 miles. Both balloons were well positioned for victory. Fraenckel radioed Wallace to see how he and Brielmann were faring.

“We have 12 bags left,” Fraenckel said, “and all our water”—meaning the emergency ballast that could be dropped to stay afloat even longer. “We’re going for a fourth night.”

Twelve bags of sand was more than Wallace and Brielmann had. The D-Caribbean stood a good chance of winning and would almost certainly set a record if it stayed aloft. Its chase team, though, was having car trouble in Germany, which meant that the D-Caribbean would be stranded if it outstripped the Spirit of Springfield’s chase car.

“If you can’t find your crew,” Wallace joked, “you could still land if you want. My guys are right under you.”

Fraenckel laughed. “I don’t think so, Mikey.”

Fraenckel was a rising star on the competition circuit, and he was immensely popular. A handsome man of 55, with a bright smile, dapper mustache, and generous nature, he was an accomplished aeronaut and an airline pilot for TWA on the New York to Cairo route. He’d learned to fly in the Navy. His copilot, 67-year-old John Stuart-Jervis, cut a more reserved if still charming figure. An Englishman, he had run off during the Second World War, lied about his age to join the Royal Navy at 16, and became a pilot with the Fleet Air Arm. During the 1956 Suez Crisis, he was shot down in the Gulf of Suez, and a French cruiser plucked him from the water. He and Fraenckel met at a cocktail party in the Virgin Islands in 1989 and decided to join forces.

Wallace and Brielmann were talented pilots in their own right. This was Wallace’s sixth Gordon Bennett and Brielmann’s first. Despite his lack of competitive experience, Brielmann, who was 43 and from Connecticut, had been flying longer, was savvy with electronics, and, as a machinist and balloon repairman, approached the endeavor with an engineer’s sharp mind. Wallace was a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants sort. A 54-year-old Massachusetts lawyer and real estate developer, he couldn’t afford to fly conservatively. Gas ballooning, similar to jockeyship, favored lightweight pilots, who could stock their baskets with more sand. Compared with his slighter opponents, Wallace’s six-foot-five, 240-pound frame meant that the equivalent of three additional 30-pound bags of sand weren’t available for ballasting—a margin that could keep a balloon flying an additional night.

Despite the Spirit of Springfield’s apparent lead, Wallace had an inkling about Fraenckel’s plan. The crew of the D-Caribbean would simply keep eyes on their friends, watch them land when they ran out of options, and overtake them for the win. Wallace had formed his own plan to counter that possibility. Given the Spirit of Springfield’s southeastern track, they would most likely enter Ukraine, then aim for the Derkul River on its border with Russia, the race’s easternmost boundary. If Wallace could stay up another night alongside the D-Caribbean, he’d land on the riverbank so Fraenckel couldn’t leapfrog him. “We’ll have to damn near put it in the river or they’re gonna hop over us,” he told Brielmann.

Though the two balloons had been in visual contact since dawn, a hazy scrim of clouds now obscured the view, and Wallace and Brielmann could only see the ground 12,000 feet below. They rode the currents in silence. Over the next two hours, Wallace made repeated attempts to raise Fraenckel on the radio, to no avail. Maybe Fraenckel had switched frequencies or decided to remain silent late in the race, even if doing so would be unlike him.

Around 2:30 p.m., the thrum of a helicopter circling below them broke the stillness. Two microlight planes and a chopper had already scouted them back in Germany; curiosity among fellow fliers was common for balloonists. Wallace, having spent his early career arming military gunships, recognized the camouflaged Mil Mi-24 Hind—a sophisticated Russian chopper also dubbed the “devil’s chariot”—as it made close, aggressive passes at them. Wallace waved their permit papers at the Hind and pointed to the yellow Gordon Bennett racing banner. The pilot signaled for them to land and disappeared.

Minutes later, he returned and sped directly at the Spirit of Springfield. When it was a few hundred feet away, the Hind veered sideways, affording a menacing view of its machine guns and the cannon mounted in its turret. “That’s an awesome thing to see,” Wallace said.

Wallace had last reported the Spirit of Springfield’s position to Annette Hockeler, who led the balloon’s chase crew, an hour and a half earlier over the town of Pinsk. Now he jumped back on the radio. “A Russian helicopter is circling us,” he told her. “An armed helicopter.”

Then the radio cut out. It was the last transmission Hockeler would hear from Wallace and Brielmann.

John Stuart-Jervis (left) and Alan Fraenckel

HOCKELER tried repeatedly to reach Wallace on the radio but received no answer. Next she tried Fraenckel, with whom she had also been in regular radio contact. She heard only static. Hockeler was near the Belarusian border but had not yet entered the country. “I was concerned,” she said. Wallace’s final message and both pilots’ silence were disconcerting, but Hockeler told herself not to worry until she had more information. If a balloon was far enough away, flying at low altitude, or on the other side of a mountain, radio signals wouldn’t reach it.

A 38-year-old German from the Düsseldorf area, Hockeler handled radio communications and navigated the roads snaking beneath the Spirit of Springfield. She and Brielmann had been dating for the past year, and things were getting serious. Wallace introduced the couple at the 1994 World Gas Balloon Championships in Albuquerque, New Mexico, a race Hockeler flew with another German pilot. Brielmann worked in Wallace’s crew and helped Hockeler find a quality chase vehicle and a trailer to rent. The two quickly fell for each other and commenced a whirlwind long-distance affair. Three weeks after the event in Albuquerque, Hockeler took a business trip to San Diego. Smitten, Brielmann joined her. Then they spent Christmas together in Germany. Hockeler worked for an airline and began using her flight benefits for frequent trysts in New York.

Hockeler had already chased in three Gordon Bennetts and a number of other competitions. Two weeks earlier, she crewed for Wallace and Brielmann at a daylong event crossing the Alps out of Stechelberg, Switzerland.

With Brielmann’s fate quietly nagging at her, Hockeler and her chase partner, a German named Volker with whom she didn’t get along, were struggling to enter Belarus to catch up to the Spirit of Springfield. They had hoped to speed forward and radio the pilots again, following their southeasterly track. But after the pair spent the evening at the border, the guards there said they would need to backtrack more than 100 miles to Warsaw to obtain visas at the Belarusian embassy. It was already late. The embassy was closed for the day. Hockeler decided that they would find a room in Terespol for the night. “I had no chance to get in contact with Kevin again,” she said.

The D-Caribbean’s chase team, meanwhile, had been stuck near Dresden since Sunday night. Their Volkswagen bus had broken down on the second day. Alan Fraenckel’s older brother, Vic, helmed the crew with support from Martin Stürzlinger. Unable to fix the bus, a local mechanic lent them his Audi station wagon at no charge and asked them to return it when the race was over. In the course of the ordeal, they lost radio contact with the D-Caribbean, which was now far out of range. This was a problem: A chase crew is a balloonist’s lifeline, and Vic and Stürzlinger were now hundreds of miles behind. “At the speed they were going, we would not be able to catch up with them,” Stürzlinger said. “For us, that was pretty bad. It felt like abandoning them.”

Given her proximity, Hockeler had picked up the slack and periodically sent word of the D-Caribbean’s coordinates, altitude, bearing, and remaining ballast to race headquarters. Vic called in from public phones when possible so his crew could stay apprised of the balloon’s status and eventually find them.

Around the time Hockeler received the Spirit of Springfield’s final transmission, Vic and Stürzlinger at last resumed their chase. They were more than 24 hours behind. Stürzlinger saw that his colleague was agitated. “Vic was normally adamant about following the balloon in a line of sight,” he said. As they drove, they knew only that the D-Caribbean was somewhere in Belarus and they needed to get there fast.

Though the crew learned from headquarters that communication had ceased between Hockeler and the two balloons, Vic and Stürzlinger didn’t yet know about the complications at the border and resolved to drive through the night to make up for lost time. When they arrived at dawn, they hit a traffic jam hundreds of cars long. “But these black Mercedes,” Stürzlinger remembered, “they were just passing the line and going forward.” Vic pulled out and followed them all the way to the border station, only to discover, like Hockeler, that they needed visas.

They found Hockeler at her motel in Terespol at 8 a.m. on Wednesday. The Gordon Bennett’s organizers had instructed the crews to wait for their pilots in Terespol while race officials sorted things out. Instead, Stürzlinger later wrote in Ballooning magazine, “we decided to enter Belarus on our own.” The two teams would drive to Warsaw to obtain visas, then turn east again to find their balloons. Their troubles felt like a frustrating inconvenience that had merely shifted from the mechanical to the bureaucratic. “We were kind of naive,” Stürzlinger said.

Volker, Hockeler’s driver, had slept in the chase vehicle in the motel parking lot to thwart thieves. Hockeler, though, stayed awake feeding change into the motel’s pay phone to connect with race officials. “I tried to get more information,” she said. “I called everywhere, and nobody told me anything.”

When Hockeler communicated Wallace’s final transmission to race director Andreas Spenger on Tuesday afternoon, he’d seemed unfazed by the news. By Wednesday morning, though, she thought Spenger was acting strange. “I had the feeling that they knew more,” Hockeler said, “but they didn’t want to tell us. One time I really had the feeling, and I was loud at the phone. I said, ‘Please tell us! What do you know?’ ” She doesn’t recall exactly how Spenger answered. “But,” she said, “it was not the truth.”

“I had it on the radar,” an air traffic controller told Spenger. “He was on the radar over Belarus, but I don’t see it now.”

THE Gordon Bennett command center in Wil ran with the efficiency typical of a Swiss operation. The launch on Saturday evening had been flawless, and officials promptly telegrammed civil aviation authorities in each country that had opened its airspace to the competition to apprise them of the balloons’ launch.

Wil was a quiet agricultural town of low, rolling hills 45 minutes from Zurich, and the hometown of Karl Spenger, the 1994 Gordon Bennett champion. Spenger was a businessman and inventor known for developing lightweight balloon envelopes and baskets. His son, Andreas Spenger, directed the 1995 race on behalf of the Swiss Aero Club. Though the Gordon Bennett had launched from Switzerland on several occasions, this was the first year Wil hosted the race and Spenger’s first time directing it. The younger Spenger ran the command center from his father’s offices.

For three days, Spenger and his team had monitored the balloons’ progress. A large map of the race area covered one wall, with pins indicating each balloon’s known location, which was always approximate. Tracking the balloons’ whereabouts required regular landline calls to a Rolodex’s worth of air traffic control, or ATC, stations to determine who had heard from the balloons and when. The 15 pins were updated accordingly.

Chase crews, too, phoned the command center intermittently with updates on their balloons’ status. Even with rigorous communication, hours passed without feedback, and precise knowledge of any balloon’s actual position was rare. Gordon Bennett aeronauts thus flew practically in isolation. But by Tuesday morning, no major hiccups had arisen, and Spenger reveled in a race unfolding with exceptional ease.

Spenger was on duty in the command center late on the fourth night, monitoring the phone lines and checking the positions of the five balloons he believed were still airborne. The lack of feedback from those that had entered Belarus made him anxious. “I was very worried when we lost contact with the balloons,” Spenger told me. “I tried to call the national ATCs, and nobody knew what happened to them.”

Inexplicably, all monitoring of the Americans and the Virgin Islanders had ceased. Air traffic controllers in Belarus claimed to have no knowledge of the balloons whatsoever. “The negative attitude and contradictory statements of the Belarusian authorities made me very uneasy,” Spenger said. One by one, he redialed aviation authorities in each of the Baltic countries neighboring Belarus. “I had it on the radar,” one controller told him. “He was on the radar over Belarus, but I don’t see it now.”

At 3 a.m. on Wednesday, Spenger finally pried some information from a Lithuanian controller. “He was not allowed to say anything,” Spenger said. “But he told me he heard something.” A balloon, the Lithuanian said, had been shot down in Belarus.

Spenger couldn’t wrap his mind around the news. He thought that Belarus had given approval to fly there. “I was shocked,” he said. Spenger immediately dialed the Belarusian authorities again, but the controllers had stopped answering his calls. Spenger resolved to “work like a machine,” he said, until he obtained the facts. Hockeler and Vic Fraenckel, among others, would be fearful about their loved ones’ fate. Spenger knew this. But he was also aware that his picture of what had happened was incomplete. He still didn’t know, for example, which balloon was shot down, and whether the pilots survived. Until he had more reliable intelligence, Spenger hesitated to reveal the incident to anyone beyond the organization’s inner circle. He summoned them to the command center.

One of the men he called was Jacques Soukup. The wealthy American was the president of the FAI’s ballooning commission, the Comité International d’Aérostation, better known as the CIA. Soukup had been in and out of the command center over the first two days of the competition but had since departed for his second home, Bewley Court, a 14th-century manor outside London. In the predawn hours of Wednesday, September 13, Spenger phoned Bewley Court to inform a sleeping Soukup that a balloon had been shot down and the command center was in a state of emergency. “My heart sank,” Soukup said. He returned to Switzerland by private jet that morning.

That a tragedy was at hand quickly became apparent. Soukup felt especially apprehensive about who had been shot down. Elected CIA president just the year before, Soukup was also a founding member of the Virgin Islands Aero Club, alongside Alan Fraenckel and John Stuart-Jervis, with whom he was close. Furthermore, the D-Caribbean was his balloon. He had followed the race closely and knew that Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis were on a promising track into Belarus. Now his friends were unaccounted for and a balloon had been shot down. “I was feeling awful,” Soukup said. “I was terrified.”

While the others waited outside, Stürzlinger sat in a room with Kolobajek, listening. “Somebody shot at a balloon!” said the voice on the other line.

AT NOON on Wednesday, September 13, Hockeler, Stürzlinger, and Vic arrived at the Belarusian embassy in Warsaw. (Volker remained in Terespol.) They were told that they would need an official invitation from Belarus to obtain entry visas. The visas would cost $120 per person and wouldn’t be available until the following week. “We didn’t understand why it took so long,” Hockeler said. “We wanted to continue driving.”

Both crews kept up regular contact with race officials in Wil, but Spenger had yet to inform them that a balloon had been shot down. Early that afternoon, race organizers got on the line with a man at the embassy named Borvs Kolobajek, who was in charge of arranging the crews’ visas. While the others waited outside, Stürzlinger sat in a room with Kolobajek, listening. “Somebody shot at a balloon!” said the voice on the other line. An indignant Kolobajek dismissed the claim and ended the call.

Stürzlinger told Vic and Hockeler the disconcerting news on the embassy’s front steps. “We figured that it must have been an American balloon, because only the Americans went to Belarus,” he said.

For three hours they waited, with little acknowledgement from embassy officials. At 4 p.m., Vic managed to reach the U.S. embassy in Minsk from a pay phone. A young consular officer named Janine Boiarsky took the call. She told Vic that the embassy had received disturbing intelligence: A pair of American balloonists had been shot down somewhere in southern Belarus, she said. They had perished in the attack. Boiarsky knew nothing else for certain.

The crews sat stunned on the embassy steps and said little. Two of their friends had been killed—including either Hockeler’s boyfriend or Vic’s brother. “But we didn’t know which one,” Hockeler said. “I hoped not Kevin. And Vic hoped not Alan. It was horrible.” Vic entered the embassy to confront the Belarusians, and Kolobajek assured him that both balloons were safe. “Up to now the Belarusian embassy had ignored us,” Stürzlinger later wrote. “Now they started telling lies.”

By now a third balloon that had entered Belarus—the Aspen, with its American pilots, Mark Sullivan and David Levin—was accounted for. The pilots had recently called Spenger’s team in Wil with a harrowing tale: A MiG fighter jet twice circled them at 12,000 feet the previous afternoon. The shaken balloonists didn’t like the look of the shifting weather, and they were low on ballast anyway. They decided it was best to land. When Sullivan and Levin touched down near the tiny Belarusian town of Zelva, authorities escorted them to a military complex. Together with their chase crew, they were held overnight in its barracks under arrest. Four officers in black leather coats interrogated them for hours. After a long night, the officers drove them to a nondescript government building, charged them for exit visas, and directed them to leave the country immediately. When the balloon team crossed into Poland, they bought a case of Budweiser to settle their nerves.

The Aspen’s report was confounding and raised more questions than it answered for Hockeler and the others stuck in Warsaw. It was late in the afternoon. The embassy would soon close. Vic checked with Kolobajek on the status of their visa requests, but there was still no progress.

At 5 p.m., Vic again phoned the U.S. embassy in Minsk. Boiarsky said she had news. Vic steeled himself. Across the street, he could see the rest of the team lingering on the embassy’s stone steps, the red and green Belarusian flag rippling above them. He held the handset to his ear as Boiarsky spoke.

Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis of the D-Caribbean had been killed, she told him. Their bodies were in a small-town morgue. Wallace and Brielmann had been taken into custody somewhere in the same region and apparently were OK. After he hung up, Vic crossed the street and relayed the news to the others.

“We were hugging. We were all crying,” Hockeler said. For her it was an anguished relief, at once cruel and beneficent. “Vic was very silent,” Stürzlinger said. “He was a silent guy anyway, so he dealt with that quite inwardly.” Vic had led the crews’ efforts throughout the day. Now Stürzlinger took over and charged back into the embassy to speak to Kolobajek, “because Vic was not capable of doing these things at that moment,” Stürzlinger said.

After only ten minutes, the embassy verified what Boiarsky had told them. Kolobajek apologized for the accident and offered them coffee inside the embassy. Also, he said, their visas would now cost only $60 each. He allowed Vic to use the embassy line to dial his best friend, but the embassy disconnected Vic’s call after a few minutes, when it closed at 6 p.m.

Stürzlinger was, he told me, “really pissed.” Gentle by nature, he surprised himself in confronting Kolobajek when he offered to halve the price of their visas again to $30. “Is that for the bullets to shoot down the balloon or for the victory party?” he demanded. Kolobajek gave them their visas at no charge.

Hockeler, Vic, and Stürzlinger piled into the borrowed Audi and left Warsaw by 7 p.m. to return to Terespol. Kolobajek promised them that when they arrived, an escort would meet them and take them across the border to Brest. Wallace and Brielmann, he said, would be waiting for them there. When they reached Terespol, however, they found no escort. No one at the border station knew anything about the balloons. Exhausted and devastated, the crews wanted only to retrieve their friends—living and dead—and be done with the ordeal. After four hours of explaining themselves, they finally crossed into Belarus. But Wallace and Brielmann were nowhere to be found.

TWO

WHEN WALLACE saw the Hind flash its machine guns and signal to land, he wasn’t about to argue. He vented gas from the balloon’s envelope to initiate a dangerous and turbulent thousand-foot-per-minute descent. He and Brielmann had eaten dozens of Werther’s candies, and the foil wrappers swirled in the air around them like radar chaff.

Directly below the basket stretched vast open fields—the Pinsk Marshes, one of Europe’s largest wetlands. “It’s godforsaken,” Wallace said. “If you were gonna give the earth an enema, you’d stick the tube in the middle of the Pinsk swamp.” Wallace aimed for a building roughly five miles away. Nothing stood around it but thigh-high vegetation that choked the swamp. The Hind had vanished. “So I’m thinking, What the hell’s going on?” Wallace recalled. “Why wouldn’t he escort me down?”

As the Spirit of Springfield plunged, letting off the flammable gas that gave the balloon shape and lift, military aircraft shot heat-seeking missiles and dropped bombs around them. This corner of the Pinsk swamplands doubled as a Belarusian Air Defense target range, but was not labeled as such on their charts. The building they’d chosen to guide their landing appeared to be a favorite target in the range. The structure was shot up and pocked with shrapnel. “This is not an appropriate place to go down with a balloon,” said Brielmann. Wallace ballasted a spoonful of sand and ascended to 300 feet.

For the next hour and a half, Wallace worried that the Hind was still tracking their progress and might notice that they had yet to land. But they were still in the race. He figured he’d squeeze out three or four more miles while he searched for a safe place to touch down.

A road appeared in the distance. Soon they heard voices below. Near the road, curious faces peered from the shrubbery. As they neared the ground, a man reached up, grabbed the balloon’s trail rope, and pulled them to the earth. He and the others braved the target range to forage for berries and apples.

Wallace took a GPS reading of the landing site and joined the man, who spoke no English but mimed an offer to guide him out of the swamp. Brielmann stayed behind with the balloon. The dirt road was rough and rutted with tire tracks more than two feet deep. Abandoned trucks and bombshells littered the edges. How the hell are we getting the balloon out of here? Wallace said to himself.

Wallace ducked into the ruts whenever a bomb detonated nearby. He walked in a pair of the soft, round-soled boot liners used by mushers in the Iditarod, a method of saving weight during balloon races. But after several miles, he was limping badly—on top of inadequate footwear, he suffered from peripheral neuropathy, a consequence of the Vietnam crash that mangled his nerves and caused pain and numbness in his legs.

Wallace and his guide came upon a shack several miles down the road, manned by a trio of inebriated soldiers passing around slices of salami. An officer dumped the water from Wallace’s bottle and poured in vodka, insisting that he drink with them. “I’d had a drinking problem,” Wallace told me, “and I hadn’t had a drink in ten years. I couldn’t do that.” He asked instead for water and some food. He hadn’t eaten much more than a few carrots and a chocolate bar in three days.

To the outpost’s guards, this lumbering foreigner had seemed to materialize like an alien from the wild bog. They asked through gestures where he’d come from. “The sky,” he told them, pointing. His forager-guide returned to the swamp. Wallace trudged inside, found an empty cot, and slept.

Back at the landing site, Brielmann was hard at work packing the balloon. Unexploded bombs jutted from the ground, and ordnance thundered around him. Above, jets continued shooting missiles. Brielmann was grateful that none of the shrapnel rained down on his head. As darkness fell, he covered the basket with an American flag, hoping that it would function as a deterrent rather than a target. Away from the balloon, he found a bomb crater where he could sleep, wrapped himself in his military poncho, and prayed that no one would mistake him for a spy.

Sometime after midnight, the growl of a motor awoke him. An old army Jeep pulled in next to the balloon, and Brielmann saw flashlights. Voices called his name in the moonlit dark. Wallace must have found help. Brielmann rose from the crater and walked toward them. In broken English they demanded his passport. “I’ll show it to you,” he told them, “but you’re not going to leave with it.” Only when they produced Wallace’s passport did he hand his over, but he refused to go with them. “I’m staying with the balloon,” he insisted. “Send a truck for it. I’ll go with that. OK?” Initially the soldiers disagreed, but when Brielmann wouldn’t budge, they tossed him a blanket and disappeared.

A couple of hours later, two soldiers returned with a massive three-axle truck. Together they loaded the basket and envelope—some 300 pounds of nylon and wicker—and quietly drove Brielmann to a military base in the nearby town of David-Gorodok. The guards escorted him to the commandant’s office, where he found Wallace in the midst of being questioned.

The commandant had wrangled a young English teacher named Sveta from the village to interpret. She told Wallace and Brielmann that the commandant believed they meant no harm but wanted to know how they got there and what they were doing. “We had a document in Russian that explained what we were up to, that Belarus in particular had invited us to fly through their airspace,” Brielmann told me. The story didn’t seem to compute, despite the letter. “They didn’t know where the hell we came from,” Wallace said. “They could not get it down that we came in by balloon.”

After the questioning, guards ushered Wallace and Brielmann to the second floor of a barracks across the base and into a room strewn with cots. A soldier occupied one; Brielmann assumed he was there to watch them. The adjacent bathroom lacked toilet paper and towels. When a guard showed Brielmann his bed, a thin mattress with a dirty blanket, he fell into it gratefully. “The opportunity to lay horizontally and not be bent up in a ball in a crater or bounced around in a truck just seemed like a great idea,” he said.

Late in the morning, they shared a simple breakfast of bread, cheese, hard-boiled eggs, and slices of meat in the empty mess hall. Wallace had visited numerous military bases during his armament work, and they were always bustling. Yet, other than their minders, they saw no soldiers. “That was the strange thing,” Brielmann said. “It seemed like a halfway-deserted base.”

In the commandant’s office, they endured another round of questioning. He wanted to know why they chose to land in a military area.

“It wasn’t marked on our maps,” Brielmann answered. Neither had they chosen to land—they’d been forced down by the Hind.

“You have maps?” the commandant asked. “Where did you get them?”

“Well, airplanes fly over, and they take pictures,” Brielmann deadpanned, “and they can turn it into a map. They don’t have your base on it, so we didn’t know it was there.” He assured the commandant that if their map had described this as a firing range, they would have steered clear of it. But the commandant remained suspicious.

Before he and Wallace left his office, Brielmann asked the commandant for some paper and received a few scraps. Guards escorted them back to their room, where they were to remain when not being questioned or eating twice-daily meals in the mess. Once the two were alone, Wallace pointed to the paper in Brielmann’s hand and said, “Don’t you go writing everything down so they can take it from you and know your thoughts.”

Brielmann regarded him with exasperation. “Hey Mike, it’s paper,” he said. “I’ll give you some next time you’re using the toilet.”

The hours passed without progress. Wallace was peeved that they hadn’t been allowed to leave. “No one knew where we were. No one except for the commandant,” Brielmann told me. Their crew had no idea where they landed, let alone that they’d been taken to a military base. “It wouldn’t have been a far step for the commandant to dispose of an inconvenience.”

Brielmann took a different angle. “Mike, you couldn’t buy a vacation like this,” he told him. They were guests of the military of a former Soviet republic. They should relax. “It just seemed like a classic screwup that eventually would get sorted out.”

Brielmann found a way to stave off boredom with the soldiers who shared their room. “Kevin decided he was going to teach them some English so he could communicate with them,” Wallace said. Brielmann learned a bit of Russian in turn, mostly balloon-related words he thought might be useful. “Kevin was brilliant,” Wallace said. He had once called Brielmann the Great Improviser for his ability to make do with anything. “He could put ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag, and it’d end up fine.”

Wallace, meanwhile, was in pain from his flaring neuropathy. He needed to get to the truck that still held the balloon to retrieve his medication from the basket. “That’s not possible,” one of their minders said. “The driver took the key to the door where he parked the truck. We can’t get into that garage.” The next time the pilots were outside, though, Brielmann noticed that while the truck bearing the Spirit of Springfield may be located behind a closed door, some adjacent doors were up and the bays appeared to be connected. “Mike,” he said, “they’re lying to us. They’re deliberately keeping us away from it for some reason.”

Before dinner the pilots were summoned again to the commandant’s office. “We’re very sorry to have to tell you,” Sveta interpreted. “There has been a terrible accident, and two of your friends are no more.” The commandant offered no further explanation, but both Brielmann and Wallace understood that Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis were dead. Brielmann felt as if he’d been struck between the eyes. “Very cursory. No detail. It was like, What could have happened?” But having seen the firepower and aggression of the Hind that confronted the Spirit of Springfield, he suspected that the D-Caribbean had been less fortunate in its encounter. “That totally changed the demeanor of the visit, knowing that our friends had been killed.”

Janine Boiarsky, the consular officer in Minsk, managed to connect with the balloonists on a line in the commandant’s office. She spoke with Wallace first, then asked about Brielmann, who Wallace said was fine. Boiarsky insisted that he hand Brielmann the phone. “She wanted to talk to each of us personally,” Brielmann said, “to actually hear our voice.” She said the embassy was working to free them. “Knowing that someone in the U.S. government knew we existed, and hopefully where we were, was a great comfort.”

The news of Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis’s deaths, on the other hand, devastated the pilots, and it was difficult to process in the midst of their detainment. The next morning, a Thursday, Wallace demanded that their captors let him into the truck to retrieve his medication from the balloon. “Look, do you want me to die here on you?” he asked. “They’re in the basket!” The prospect of another American’s death on their hands persuaded them to give the men access to the balloon and Wallace’s meds. Wallace, though in pain, had exaggerated his limp. “I was blowing smoke up their ass to get back to the balloon,” he said.

Brooding and perhaps naive about his jailer’s magnanimity, Brielmann wrote a statement that afternoon for the commandant to sign. “I wanted to try to document the fact that we had been forced down,” he said. Race rules required them to obtain signed testimony from witnesses to their landing. More crucially, he was leaving breadcrumbs where he could. The statement included the latitude and longitude of the landing site, along with a concise declaration for Gordon Bennett organizers asserting that he and Wallace could have flown farther. The commandant pointed out that he didn’t know whether they could have continued flying. Above all, he took exception to Brielmann’s description of the Hind as a “military gunship.”

You didn’t know that there were guns on it,” he protested. Brielmann said that he could see its machine-gun barrels. “You don’t know if there were bullets in there,” the commandant countered. They agreed to call it a “military helicopter.” Brielmann rewrote his statement, and the commandant signed and dated it.

Maybe this was a step forward and maybe not. But Brielmann no longer considered this “vacation” the lark he previously had, and he was afraid. He wanted out. In the confines of their guarded room, he couldn’t shake the dire possibilities from his imagination. Are we going to be able to leave this country? he wondered. Are they going to disappear us?

ROADS in Belarus were in bad shape. The land was flat, desolate, and dark. No one in the chase crew had slept in 24 hours. Once they settled in for the drive, Vic Fraenckel began to cry. Vic had learned from Boiarsky that his brother’s and Stuart-Jervis’s bodies lay in a small morgue in the town of Biaroza, near where the D-Caribbean struck the earth. They would need to be officially identified. Boiarsky had gone ahead to ensure that the deceased aeronauts and their effects were properly looked after and that no autopsy would be performed without an American physician present.

By the time the crew arrived in Biaroza, around 4 a.m. on Thursday, Boiarsky had already gone back to Minsk. Vic phoned her from a post office, and Boiarsky said that she would return to meet them later in the day. The Belarusian Air Defense Forces, she said, were detaining Wallace and Brielmann at a base in David-Gorodok, a three-hour drive east. Vic asked Boiarsky what they should do. “As a U.S. embassy official, I can’t advise you to go,” Boiarsky told him. “But as one human being to another, get there as fast as you can.”

Stürzlinger got behind the wheel and they hurried off. Hockeler dozed in the back seat. Whatever their worries, at least their mission was clear, a lens to focus their grief. “We functioned as a crew throughout. We never really stopped to think,” Stürzlinger told me. The few road signs were in Cyrillic, and the crew struggled to match them to their maps, which often proved inaccurate and tested their patience.

Stürzlinger sped down the rough pavement, occasionally passing tiny hamlets almost before noticing them. “It got very empty out there,” he said. A police officer pulled him over somewhere along the way, but Stürzlinger wasn’t having it. In polite English, he told the officer, “Sorry, we are not going to deal with this. We’re just going to drive on.” Stürzlinger grabbed a picture and pointed at it, saying the Russian word for “balloon.” “That was our secret password,” he said. “We used that at every occasion. I think he was just confused, and he let us go.”

Around noon the crew finally found themselves in David-Gorodok. They stopped at the first official-looking building they saw and announced that they were searching for two Americans and a balloon. The building turned out to be a bank. The proprietor wouldn’t allow them to phone the U.S. embassy in Minsk but dialed a number himself, reporting back that Wallace and Brielmann would arrive in 15 minutes.

When after half an hour the pilots hadn’t appeared, the banker let them call the embassy. “Waiting for the right person to get on the line proved too long for the man in the bank, who was getting more and more nervous,” Stürzlinger later wrote in Ballooning magazine, “and he disconnected the line.” Then he shepherded them to the gate of the military base and departed.

At the base, a small man with a big hat and a bushy mustache instructed them to leave their car and drove them to a guard station, where an officer checked their visas and sent for an interpreter. While they waited, the crew asked to call the U.S. embassy, but the mustached man said that the three telephones on the desk wouldn’t reach Minsk and he told them to wait.

Sveta, the interpreter, arrived after an hour and inspected their passports. First she asked why they were in Belarus. With all the patience he could muster, Stürzlinger answered, “We’re here to fetch our dead pilots and the two surviving ones.” He demanded to see their friends. “They’re busy,” the man in the big hat said. “They have to do some paperwork.”

Vic insisted that they contact the embassy—perhaps from a post office, as they’d done before—and eventually the guards relented. They escorted the chase crew to the David-Gorodok post office, which doubled as a small grocery store, its shelves mostly barren. On the phone, Vic talked with embassy officials, who concurrently spoke on another line with the Belarusian Foreign Ministry, relaying what Vic told them and pressing for action.

Then Brielmann arrived with an armed guard. He’d been planning to make a call to Switzerland, hoping that organizers would pass along a message to the chase crew. Surprised to see Hockeler standing before him, he rushed to embrace her. “I don’t have the right words in English. I was relieved to see him,” Hockeler told me. “But it was so sad.” When Brielmann saw Vic, he felt the heartbreak his friend was enduring and hugged him next. “We really didn’t need a whole lot of words,” Brielmann said. “Just sharing an immense loss.”

Wallace remained unaccounted for when they returned to the base. Brielmann explained that guards had taken him into town earlier to call his sons in Massachusetts. Brielmann and the crew waited in a small grassy park, surrounded by soldiers smoking, until Wallace lumbered toward them with an escort, still wearing his boot liners. He had just endured a final round of questioning. The commandant wanted him to sign a statement in Russian, but Wallace refused to do so without an American official present.

With the chase crew on the base and the U.S. embassy making noise, the Belarusians’ attitude seemed to shift. “They realized they made a huge international mistake,” Wallace said. Brielmann decided to take advantage of the momentum. He needed to get the balloon into the crew’s trailer so they would be ready to leave quickly. Observing the squadron of troops milling around in the training field at the center of the base, he approached the commandant and indicated the Spirit of Springfield on the three-axle truck. “It won’t fit the way it is. I need to pack this thing up really neat,” he said. “Can I get some help?”

The commandant rounded up a few dozen soldiers. Brielmann employed the Russian terminology he’d learned and directed the troops to lay out, repack, and load the Spirit of Springfield. When they finished, he regarded Stürzlinger and Wallace with a sly grin. It was the best packing job they’d seen in ages. The pilots were allowed to gather their things from the barracks while the crew bought drinks and fuel for the drive. They asked for an official document from the military to ease their passage out of the country. Sveta produced a statement in Russian that they couldn’t read, but no one protested as they crammed into the Audi and drove away.

Around 8:30 p.m., the crew and pilots arrived back at the morgue. Boiarsky was waiting for them. She told Vic that he could view his brother if he chose. “I’ve already been in to see the bodies,” she cautioned, explaining that she’d used their passports to confirm their identities. “I recommend that you don’t go look, unless you really want to. It’s not pretty.” One of the men had a crushed rib cage, as though he’d struck the ground flat on his back. The other appeared to have been in a seated position at the moment of impact: face smashed, tailbone and legs shattered. Vic opted to stay outside, and no one else wanted to look either.

Around 10 p.m., Boiarsky and her driver chaperoned the group to the Polish border and told the other car to stay close. She would return to the morgue afterward and accompany the bodies by plane back to Minsk. Their remains would then be sent on to the United States. Stürzlinger wouldn’t let Vic drive, and Wallace was exhausted and in pain despite his meds. Brielmann rode with Boiarsky. Five hundred yards from the border, the Audi sputtered and ran out of gas. By the time Boiarsky noticed, a column of some dozen tanks had entered the road between them and stopped traffic. “Shit,” Wallace said, “we almost made it.” Boiarsky turned her driver around, parted the tanks, and found fuel for the chase car.

At the border station, guards reprimanded Wallace and Brielmann for lacking entry visas and charged them $30 apiece to exit the country. Boiarsky offered packs of Marlboro cigarettes she’d brought along to barter with, but the guards didn’t budge. What’s more, Brielmann only had a hundred-dollar bill and the guards didn’t have change. So Boiarsky wrote a check for the exit visas.

On the Polish side of the crossing, a drunken border guard gave the crew grief about the contents of their trailer. Brielmann leaned from the window and shouted, “Vozdushnyy shar”—Russian for “balloon.” The term “got through the vodka fumes,” Stürzlinger later wrote, and the stumbling guard gave up and waved them through to Terespol in the early-morning hours. After three exhausting days, Belarus vanished in the rearview mirror.

This was the first instance outside of war that a manned balloon had been shot down in what many deemed a profound act of aggression, even murder.

SCORES of balloonists and their crews gathered in Switzerland that Saturday, September 16, to attend a memorial service for Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis on Wil’s pastoral outskirts. The church, Kapelle Maria Dreibrunnen, was a 13th-century pilgrimage chapel adorned with rococo golden altars and a painted ceiling depicting biblical battles.

In a black suit, Jacques Soukup stood visibly distraught before the congregants packed in the nave, a stack of notes in hand. Once a Roman Catholic priest, he’d been up all night marking his Bible and struggling to prepare the eulogy for his friends. Light scattered from the frosted beehive panes flanking him before the pulpit. Behind Soukup, the U.S. Virgin Islands flag was draped over an altar. In front of that stood a black-and-white photo of Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis beaming in the wicker basket of Soukup’s balloon.

Soukup read from St. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, a passage that recounts love’s best qualities. “The man that wrote these words was known as a traveler,” Soukup said. “This man was also an adventurer. He went to strange and often hostile places. He took risks. Alan Fraenckel and John Stuart-Jervis did the same.” He described the pilots’ unflagging generosity and jovial spirits, their many contributions to the sport of ballooning and to the lives of the people who loved them. “This was a great tragedy, a senseless loss of life,” Soukup said. “But they died doing what they loved.” His voice caught in his throat. “To Alan and John, we say, ‘We will greatly miss you. But we know your spirits will fly on.’ ”

Neither Wallace nor Brielmann were at the service. Wallace had already flown home to the U.S., and Brielmann and Hockeler skipped it entirely, with race director Andreas Spenger’s encouragement, to rest and avoid a frenzy of questions. The two pilots learned at an intimate, somber awards ceremony the next morning that, having flown 872 miles, they had placed second in the 1995 Gordon Bennett Cup, behind the Germans Willi Eimers and Bernd Landsmann, who flew more than 1,000 miles to Latvia and set a duration record of 92 hours and 11 minutes. Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis, shot down just eight miles short of Levin and Sullivan, placed fifth.

This was the first instance outside of war that a manned balloon had been shot down in what many deemed a profound act of aggression, even murder. In the chapel, Soukup called upon the gathered balloonists to emulate love in the heat of bereavement. “It does not take offense and is not resentful,” he reminded them. And yet, St. Paul went on, it “delights in the truth.” A burning question hung over the ceremony: Why on earth did Belarus shoot down a balloon to begin with?

THREE

IN THE TWO days after the D-Caribbean was shot down and two Americans were killed, Belarusian media published a flurry of articles lambasting the country’s military, based largely on assumptions and a slow trickle of details. Then a journalist named Vasil Zdanyuk wrote a front-row account no one had expected to see in the Svobodnye Novosti, or Free News, where he worked as a reporter.

On Tuesday, September 12, as the Spirit of Springfield and the D-Caribbean were flying into Belarusian skies, Zdanyuk was reporting a story about a recently conceived joint military air-defense system involving Russian and Belarusian forces. He needed to speak with General Valery Kostenko, the Belarusian Air Force commander, about the collaborative endeavor. Though Kostenko had been on vacation, he told Zdanyuk that he needed to stop by his office and would make himself available. They arranged to meet at 11 a.m. at the military headquarters in Minsk.

Kostenko was around 50, a big man, professional but friendly, with a foul mouth. Despite being off duty, he dressed in his military uniform. His office was a simple room with a desk, chairs, and a couple of telephones.

Eight years earlier, in May 1987, Kostenko had been a division commander in the Soviet Air Defense Forces when Mathias Rust, an idealistic 19-year-old amateur pilot from West Germany, flew a single-engine plane from Helsinki to Moscow and landed on the Bolshoy Moskvoretsky Bridge, adjacent to Red Square, in a brash bid for peace. Kostenko had spotted Rust’s plane near Saint Petersburg, but Moscow brass denied his and other defense units’ requests to engage. At the time, many thought that Rust had made a mockery of Soviet defense shields. Kostenko was the man now empowered to make such calls for Belarus.

As the interview began, Zdanyuk turned on his tape recorder. Even Kostenko was unsure how the joint system would work absent a single command. As an example, Kostenko told a story about a weather balloon that had recently drifted over Minsk and caused a panic, though ultimately it posed no danger. Kostenko was in the midst of carping about the nuisance such low-flying probes could be when a duty officer rang with an urgent message. An unidentified object, perhaps some kind of balloon, had infiltrated the airspace buffering their facilities 150 miles to the southwest, near Biaroza. What should they do?

Only a few years before, Kostenko would have sought direction from his superiors in Moscow. Now, Kostenko told the duty officer to observe where the craft was going and find out why. He hung up and surveyed Zdanyuk. “See how lucky you are?” Kostenko said, leaning toward him. “There is a balloon flying. You get to experience how this air-defense system works.”

Ten minutes later the line rang again, and Kostenko flicked on the speakerphone as Zdanyuk’s tape rolled. The officer said it looked like a weather balloon. A navigator at the Air Traffic Office heard that a meteorological probe had been released in Lomza, Poland, that morning. The balloon was heading toward the Osovtsy airfield, which would create problems for military flights scheduled to launch in about 30 minutes. Kostenko, raising his voice and cursing, told him to find out exactly what the craft was. He ordered a Hind helicopter sent up to get a closer look.

The general dropped the phone onto the receiver and motioned for Zdanyuk to continue with his questions. When the phone rang a final time, Kostenko spoke directly to the captain piloting the helicopter as it rose into the air. The general instructed the captain to circle the balloon, then asked if he could see a suspended load.

“Comrade Commander, I have visually detected the balloon.” At a glance, the pilot said, no one appeared to be inside. The balloon was nearly on top of the airport. “Your decision?”

Zdanyuk sat quietly across from the general. “What should we do?” Kostenko said. “Let’s shoot the thing down. Destroy!”

At 11:53 a.m., Zdanyuk’s tape recorder captured the fusillade from the Hind’s machine guns. Kostenko regarded him. “See, this is how we work,” he said. “This is how we serve.”

ZDANYUK’S story wasn’t the last word on the D-Caribbean incident. Under pressure from the U.S. State Department, Belarus agreed to establish a special commission and appointed a veteran investigator from Russia to lead it. International Civil Aviation Organization regulations entitled representatives from the U.S., whose citizens had perished, and from Germany, as the balloon’s country of manufacture, to assist with the inquiry.

The commission’s 81-page report was released in June 1996. It revealed an astounding series of lapses. In the months before the 39th Gordon Bennett Cup, race organizers sent repeated requests to the Belarus Center for Organization of Air Traffic, or BCOAT, to be granted permission for balloons to enter Belarusian airspace. Organizers received a telegram that OK’d the flights and stated that permit numbers would be issued after BCOAT received flight plans. But no Belarusian agency recorded either the requests or the approval.

Director Andreas Spenger’s team faxed 18 flight plans on September 9, 1995. Because the fields for time and place of entry and landing airfield were left blank—these being impossible to specify for balloons that would drift on the wind—BCOAT shift workers assumed that the plans had been sent erroneously and tossed them. This left ATC and Air Defense officials unaware that Gordon Bennett balloons might enter their territory. When they received a call from the border guard who first spotted the D-Caribbean, and subsequently discovered that Poland had launched a weather probe that morning, Air Defense forces assumed that they were the same craft and made little effort to verify.

Though the report laid the brunt of culpability on BCOAT and the Anti-Aircraft Defense, it also made a series of questionable arguments. Namely, that Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis bore a measure of blame for their deaths by failing to communicate with ATC centers and request permission to enter Belarusian skies. It said that Spenger’s team neglected to provide pilots with proper radio frequencies for Belarus’s ATC centers, and that the D-Caribbean had not displayed its national flag nor any other identifying banner. The report’s authors speculated that Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis “most probably were sleeping” and proposed that altitude hypoxia and edema of the brain and lungs may have contributed to their presumed unconsciousness.

These arguments infuriated Mike Wallace. He and Fraenckel were talking “all morning, up to 20 minutes before the shooting occurred,” he wrote in an issue of Skylines, the newsletter for the Balloon Federation of America. “I can attest to the fact that Alan and John were not asleep, fatigued, or stress-impaired in any way.” Given his own experience with the Hind, he charged that no one could sleep through such an event. Moreover, he had confirmed the radio frequency with Fraenckel as they crossed the border. Both balloons tried to contact Minsk, but the ATC center there had been too far for their radios to reach.

The FAI, the international governing body of aero sports, quickly conducted its own probe of the investigation, with Jacques Soukup’s help, and published a scathing analysis of the Belarusian report. Among the “omissions, inconsistencies, and inaccuracies” it noted, the FAI rejected and sought to disprove all suggestions that Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis or the Gordon Bennett Cup’s organizers were at fault. Wallace had personally helped Vic Fraenckel attach the Gordon Bennett racing banner to the D-Caribbean’s gondola. The flag, mounted on the foot ropes high above their heads, would have been impossible to detach midflight. “It is just conceivable that the banners were ripped off during the plunge to earth,” the FAI said in its analysis. “The flag was made of nylon and could therefore have burned during the fire.”

The FAI noted that investigators never interviewed Wallace or Brielmann, and that the Belarusian report lacked transcripts of conversations between ground controllers and the pilot of the Hind that intercepted the Spirit of Springfield. In fact, the report never mentioned Wallace or Brielmann at all. The investigation, the FAI felt, pandered to Belarus’s sense of its actions as the result of a tragic misunderstanding.

Wallace and Brielmann couldn’t shake one fact unearthed by the Belarusian investigation. Amid the debris strewn through the trees surrounding the downed D-Caribbean were the pilot’s two radios. The first was found tuned to 154.515 MHz, a frequency whose purpose investigators couldn’t fathom. This was the private channel on which Fraenckel spoke with Wallace throughout the race. The second was tuned to 121.5 MHz, the international emergency frequency. “It tells me Alan was very alert,” Brielmann said. “He was trying to communicate with them. If it was tuned to 121.5, he saw something bad going down and he was trying to end it.” But according to the Belarusian report, the Hind never checked that frequency or attempted any radio contact whatsoever.

The radio’s tuning suggested that a chilling struggle had ensued. Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis likely noticed the Hind’s whir in the gathered clouds and may have watched its advance with curiosity. Soon enough, its hostility would have become apparent when, from nearly a half-mile away, the gunner fired three bursts from the Hind’s nose-mounted machine gun. “Take that, and that, and that, too!” he shouted, according to audio transcripts. The shots missed by more than 300 feet, and he reloaded. “Go ahead and cut him up,” the commander ordered. “We’ll have one more go at it.”

Just over a minute after the first shots were fired, a final burst exploded the hydrogen and ignited the D-Caribbean’s envelope. Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis plummeted 9,000 feet to the earth.

EPILOGUE

THREE WEEKS after their release, Mike Wallace and Kevin Brielmann flew the Spirit of Springfield in the inaugural America’s Challenge race at the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta. Vic Fraenckel led the chase crew. A reporter asked the pilots if they had second thoughts about flying again. “They don’t have that particular helicopter in the U.S.,” Brielmann deadpanned.

In a tribute to Alan Fraenckel and John Stuart-Jervis, the festival opened with the launch of one of Fraenckel’s rigs, alone above a field of balloons, while “Taps” echoed through the crowd. Wallace and Brielmann hung the U.S. Virgin Islands flag with the Stars and Stripes, as they would during every flight afterward, and traveled a personal distance record of 1,290 miles. It earned them a second-place finish and a spot in the 1996 Gordon Bennett Cup. Wallace was elected president of the Balloon Federation of America shortly before the race got underway.

The following September, Wallace and Brielmann traveled to Germany for the 40th Gordon Bennett. Annette Hockeler was newly pregnant, and she and Brielmann planned to marry early the following year, before their son was due. At the pilots meeting before the race, organizers announced that, although Belarus was closed, they had stretched the competition zone to include the Balkans, a landscape riddled with mines from years of war. Concerned about Vic and Hockeler following on the ground, Wallace stood and made a rousing speech condemning the move. This race paid homage to Fraenckel and Stuart-Jervis, he said. “Who will die this year to be memorialized for the 41st race?” The organizers conferred and, to widespread relief, decided that the Balkans would be closed after all. Wallace and Brielmann again silvered behind Willi Eimers and Bernd Landsmann.

Outside the town of Biaroza, on the forest floor near the Brest–Minsk railroad tracks, Belarusian activists had recently set a modest stone in the ground, a tribute to the fallen balloonists on the tragedy’s first anniversary, at the spot where they’d struck the earth. Inscribed in the stone were a cross and the date “12.9.95,” along with two Belarusian words carved in Cyrillic: “Forgive us.”

At the opening ceremony of the FAI’s annual General Conference meeting in Slovenia that October, Vic accepted his brother’s and Stuart-Jervis’s posthumous Montgolfier Diploma for Best Sporting Performance in Gas Ballooning while the crowd gave an emotional standing ovation. Jacques Soukup was there. He would resign as president of the FAI’s ballooning commission the next year. “The lowest time for me was the night the telephone rang from the Coupe Gordon Bennett headquarters in Switzerland to inform me that there was a problem in Belarus,” Soukup wrote in his final CIA newsletter. “I never quite had the same enthusiasm after that week.”

After the Belarusian investigation closed, in the spring following the downing of the D-Caribbean, Soukup had received the remnants of the balloon: charred fragments of the nylon envelope, pieces of netting, the wooden valve, the load ring, and some mangled scraps of metal, all stuffed into the badly damaged, bloodstained basket. For a while, Soukup housed these macabre remains in a large garden shed at his home in England.

When spring was blossoming into summer, Soukup pulled them from the shed and laid them at the edge of a small lake on the 14-acre property. The sun was lowering toward the horizon. At last, Soukup set what was left of the D-Caribbean aflame and watched its ashes rise into the sky.


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From Antarctica with Love

From Antarctica
with Love

Part II
Disaster

On March 3, following Atkinson’s instructions, Cherry arrived at One Ton Depot to await his dearest friends, the ones who had given new purpose to his otherwise aimless aristocratic life. He’d nearly died alongside Dr. Bill and Birdie Bowers during their treacherous journey in winter darkness to fetch valuable Emperor penguin eggs at Cape Crozier. His teeth had shattered in the brutal minus-70-degree cold, and his poor eyesight meant that he was unable to see the gorgeous auroras in the sky above them. But the journey was instrumental in making Cherry the type of man he wished to be. Bill and Birdie were steadfast and true, and Cherry found that he could be, too. He had been devastated to not continue on the polar journey with them and looked forward to their reunion. The inspiring Dr. Bill and the indomitable Birdie, along with Scott, Oates, and Petty Officer Edgar “Taff” Evans, were due to arrive at the depot any day. “My first feeling was one of relief that the Polar Party had not been to the Depôt and that therefore we had got their provisions out in time,” Cherry later wrote. “I decided to remain at the Depôt where we were certain to meet.”

Cherry waited and waited, a day and then another. He wasn’t worried. Even after seven days, he wrote, “I had no reason to suspect that [they] could be in want of food. Thus I felt little anxiety for the Polar Party.” He could not take the dogs farther inland to look for them, because there wasn’t enough dog food for the journey. So on March 10, Cherry returned to base camp, hoping—believing—that his friends were close behind him.

Weeks went by. The sun vanished. Winter darkness fell, and the truth finally set in. Everyone in the hut knew that the polar party’s supplies would have run out by now. Nothing and no one could survive on the Barrier without food and fuel. This meant only one thing: All five men were dead. Atkinson, as the highest-ranking naval officer at Cape Evans, was now in full command of the British Antarctic Expedition.

The group in the hut was down to 13—apart from Scott’s lost party, nine others had gone home on the Terra Nova. After a subdued midwinter holiday dinner in June, Atkinson called the men together—officers, civilian scientists, and seamen. Atkinson was a different kind of leader than Scott, and he wanted all the men to weigh in on what should be done when the sun returned. Should they go west and try to rescue Campbell’s party, who would have had access to seals and penguins for sustenance to see them safely through the winter? Or should they go south, seeking out the remains of the lost party?

The vote was unanimous. There was a chance Campbell’s party would make it back to base on their own. But if the men didn’t try to find what remained of Scott’s party, it was possible that no one would ever know what became of them. The dead could not recover themselves.

At the end of the winter, Atkinson wrote a long letter to Pennell about the situation. “It really has been a devil of a winter and a very trying time,” he said. “By Jove I shall be very pleased to see you again and shall have a good deal to say. I think we all need civilization pretty badly.” The rest of the missive was characteristically modest; Atkinson singled out others at Cape Evans for praise, especially Cherry. “Please remember and remind anyone that I could never claim any credit for anything that will be done,” he wrote to Pennell. “There is much more for the others, but I am ready to take any blame for myself.”

Atkinson hoped that he might find some peace with Pennell once they returned home. “Mind you try and throw over a few things,” he wrote, “and we shall get off into the quiet country somewhere away from people.”

The search party set out on October 29 and covered the 137 miles to One Ton Depot in two weeks, arriving on November 11. The next day, Silas Wright squinted through the vast brightness glaring off the Barrier and noticed a small, out-of-place dark spot. He skied over to investigate. Soon the other men saw him waving frantically, beckoning them to follow. When they arrived, Silas said, “It is the tent.”

The men dug it out from a winter’s worth of drifted snow. Inside it was quiet as a cathedral. Some would say later that the dead men seemed to be sleeping. Others would describe it as a horrible, gruesome scene. All would agree that Scott’s arm was out of his bag, stretched over Wilson.

The search party silently collapsed the tent over the bodies, built a cairn of snow atop it, and put up a cross made of a pair of skis. Atkinson led a funeral service. “The sun was dipping low above the Pole, the Barrier was almost in shadow,” Cherry would write years later. “And the sky was blazing—sheets and sheets of iridescent clouds. The cairn and Cross stood dark against a glory of burnished gold.”

Campbell’s party had spent the winter in a dug-out ice cave not tall enough to stand up in, lit only by a single, smelly blubber lamp. They’d survived—barely.

As the Terra Nova cruised toward Cape Evans in midsummer, the crew strung up celebratory bunting and readied champagne, cigars, and chocolate. The ship was scrubbed, the yards squared, and the Union Jacks and ensigns hoisted. It was the least the men on board could do for Scott to ease the disappointment of having come in second place behind the Norwegians, who after returning from the Pole had sailed directly to Australia and announced their triumphant news to the world.

Though Pennell was aboard the ship, he was no longer its captain: Evans had recovered and been promoted to commander, taking over just before the Terra Nova headed south again. Grumbled Pennell in his diary: “The position is of course a very awkward, one might almost say humiliating, one.” But leaving the expedition would have meant not reuniting with Atkinson, so he accepted the demotion to navigator.

Approaching Ross Island on January 18, 1913, in a beautiful and sunny calm, Pennell was relieved to see Campbell and the other members of his party through his spyglass, waving to greet the ship. They had made it through the winter and rejoined the main party; they even looked to be in good health.

“Are you all well?” Evans shouted. Campbell raised a megaphone as the Terra Nova approached. He hesitated for a moment. “The southern party reached the South Pole on the seventeenth of January last year, but were all lost on the return journey,” he called out. “We have their records.”

The ship bobbed in silence as the sun bounced off the water. It was Pennell who broke the quiet. “All hands to let fall anchor!” he ordered. The men jerked back into action. There was a splash and the rattle of a chain. Evans dispatched crew members to bring down the celebratory flags.

Soon Atkinson and Campbell were on board, giving the Terra Nova’s crew the news in detail. The story of Campbell’s party was inspiring: They’d spent the winter in a dug-out ice cave not tall enough to stand up in, lit only by a single, smelly blubber lamp. They’d survived—barely—on seal and penguin meat, and kept themselves sane by singing hymns and obeying strict naval discipline. The three seamen in the party pretended not to hear the discussions on the officers’ side of the cave, and vice versa.

Of the polar party’s story there was almost too much to take in, not least the pain and grief suffered by the men at Cape Evans. “No one can ever know quite how much Atkinson has been through this last winter,” Pennell later wrote. For Evans’s part, he was awed at the “grit and loyalty” Atkinson had displayed through such a trial.

The ship’s carpenter constructed a nine-foot-tall memorial cross, upon which the names of the dead were carved, along with a quotation selected by Cherry from “Ulysses” by Alfred Lord Tennyson: “To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.” It was erected on Observation Hill, above Hut Point, the last staging point on the way to the Pole.

Denis Lillie

Everyone left on the expedition was aboard the Terra Nova as it steamed north. Pennell observed that Campbell somehow seemed younger now than when the expedition first set out. But Atkinson was another story. “Jane is much more marked—lines all over his face, which now, in repose, has a thoughtful almost sad look,” Pennell wrote in his diary. “The expedition will I think affect him more (permanently) than any other member.”

Atkinson would have to tell the families of the dead—and the wider world—that Scott’s party had perished. He would have to explain what led to the tragedy, when he still did not fully comprehend it himself. He saw the dead bodies, frostbitten and starved, in his mind’s eye; he saw the cans of precious fuel at the depots on the Barrier, their contents evaporated through faulty seals. He alone had read the end of Scott’s diary, with its increasingly bewildered enumeration of each point of failure: “The loss of pony transport in March 1911… The weather throughout the outward journey… The soft snow in lower reaches of glacier… [T]his sudden advent of severe weather… [A] shortage of fuel in our depôts for which I cannot account…”

Pennell, among others, tried to convince Atkinson that the expedition had been, at least in some ways, a success: An Englishman had reached the Pole, and the Terra Nova was carrying back the most extensive scientific records of Antarctica ever collected, including more than 70 pounds’ worth of immensely valuable geological specimens from the top of the Beardmore Glacier, hauled to the very end by the polar party.

Lillie, ever eager to cheer up his comrades, drew one of his caricatures, depicting Pennell and Atkinson as a pair of what he called Penelopatchicus antarctica, or “Antarctic Love-Birds,” perched on branches underneath a bell jar. With plumage resembling naval dress uniforms, the birds appeared to be performing some kind of mating dance. Both men signed their names to the drawing, as if to approve it for posterity.

Pennell may have looked at the dark-haired, compact Atkinson—quiet, strong Jane—and seen a man sorely tested who now needed kindness, care, and rest.

In the dark early hours of February 10, 1913, Atkinson and Pennell were rowed ashore by Tom Crean in Oamaru, New Zealand. The local lighthouse, in Morse code, flashed, “What ship?” But the crew of the Terra Nova refused to reveal the ship’s name—just as Atkinson and Pennell refused to tell the night watchman onshore who they were. Britain’s Central News Agency had negotiated the exclusive rights to Scott’s story before the expedition, and neither man was about to violate the agreement.

After a few hours of sleep on the bemused harbormaster’s floor, Pennell and Atkinson headed to Oamaru’s small telegraph office at 8 a.m. sharp. They sent a wire to the expedition’s agent, J. J. Kinsey, informing him that they would arrive by train in Christchurch to deliver the full story in person. The Terra Nova was already steaming up the coast to meet them there.

As they waited for the train, Pennell and Atkinson sat together in a field near the station. When was the last time it had been just the two of them? Perhaps nearly two years, when Pennell visited Atkinson’s hotel room to confess his anxieties about taking command of the ship. So much had happened since then. Pennell’s difficulties, whatever they may have been, paled in comparison with what Atkinson had endured. Whatever words did or did not pass between them, Pennell may have looked at the dark-haired, compact Atkinson—quiet, strong Jane—and seen a man sorely tested who now needed kindness, care, and rest.

It was a hazy and warm late-summer day. A northerly wind sent ripples over the broad blue-green sea and blew the sound of morning birdsong toward the two men. It was a rare and precious moment, the calm before the storm.

The storm found them soon enough. By the time Pennell and Atkinson were on the train to Christchurch, reporters had gotten word of the Terra Nova’s return and were on their trail, dogging the men from station to station. Some recognized Pennell from his two winters spent in New Zealand; some mistook Atkinson for Scott. Pennell shielded Atkinson from their prying. “Sorry, but I can’t give you a word,” he told one overeager reporter. “You know we are bound to secrecy.”

They handed over the full dispatch, written by Evans, as soon as they arrived in Christchurch, and Kinsey assumed responsibility for its immediate transmission. The story of Scott’s demise soon reverberated worldwide; it was in the headlines of nearly every paper around the globe by February 11. It happened so quickly that Atkinson did not even have a chance to speak to Oriana Wilson, Dr. Bill’s wife, before she heard a newsboy at the train station shout word of her husband’s death.

“It’s made a tremendous impression,” Atkinson told Cherry afterward. “I had no idea it would make so much.” It felt to many people like another Titanic, which had sunk only the year before. In Britain, children assembled in school halls to be told the terrible news by teachers. St. Paul’s Cathedral hosted a memorial service with King George in attendance. Thousands gathered outside, straining to hear the hymns.

In New Zealand the press was in a frenzy, and the men of the Terra Nova were at the center of it. Many of the scientists and civilians decamped right away for home or holiday, but the naval officers, duty bound to stay with the expedition until given leave, had no such luxury as headlines turned from shock to blame, much of it focused on Atkinson. Had he done enough, reporters asked, to save Scott? Could he have been at fault for the whole ordeal?

After Atkinson, stressed and grief-stricken, escaped to Kinsey’s country home outside Christchurch for rest and privacy, a reporter from the Lyttelton Times raised the issue with some of the Terra Nova’s officers. Pennell interrupted him. “There is not the slightest ground for suggesting that criticism of anything Dr. Atkinson did came from a single member of the expedition,” he said.

“Especially from me, who was in charge of one of the parties he was trying to relieve,” Campbell put in.

“Or from me, whose life he saved by his professional skill,” Evans added.

Bad feeling among the crew did exist privately, but it was mostly directed toward Evans. Since Scott’s death, he had become the head of the entire expedition, much to the chagrin of those, like Atkinson, who thought him unworthy of the position. But there was no time to dwell on the issue in the face of so much to be done: speaking to the press, arranging for passage back to England, filling out paperwork, preparing the Terra Nova for the ship’s homeward voyage.

It was only on weekends that Pennell and Atkinson could find a moment to themselves, and they made the most of it. They created a sanctuary for themselves at Te Hau, Kinsey and his wife’s country estate. There they bunked in a cozy hut in the garden, meant to serve as a meteorological station in Antarctica but left behind for lack of room on the ship. “Mrs. K carefully arranged that J & I should sleep together in the Cabin & apologised very much for having to put us in the one room,” Pennell wrote. The men smoked their pipes. They listened to the gramophone. They leafed through books of fashion plates. They took photographs, posing cheerfully with fellow expedition members and local friends. A couple they befriended even chose them to be godfathers to the child they were expecting.

But it could not last. Atkinson was tasked with chaperoning the widowed Oriana Wilson and her unmarried sister, Constance Souper, home to England. They steamed away on the SS Remuera on March 6. The night before, Pennell and Atkinson spent a final evening together at the Royal Oak—“the best hotel in Wellington but such a dirty place,” Pennell wrote. They would not see each other again until June or perhaps July, when the Terra Nova would finally arrive back in England. Pennell, always the optimist, was already looking forward to their reunion.

“In some ways this has been a very happy month,” he wrote. “None could have imagined how nice everyone could be until this sort of thing occurred, the thoughtfulness & sympathy of all our neighbours, the press & the public has been wonderful.” Though he had been very busy, there was a silver lining. “The whole time has been practically with Jane & this need not be emphasised.”

Part III
Home

The men were not together for the long journey back to England, but they were on the same seas: from New Zealand around Chile’s Cape Horn, up the eastern coast of South America, and across the Atlantic to England. Teddy Evans had chosen to join his wife on a steamer back home, leaving a grateful Pennell once again in command of the Terra Nova.

Writing to Pennell from the Remuera, Oriana Wilson assured him that Atkinson’s help as chaperone was invaluable to her, and that her presence had eased his grief as well. “I have felt so for him,” she wrote, “but I can’t say it to him—it has been such a relief to see him cheering up and enjoying things.” On the Terra Nova, Pennell slept during the day so he could take the night watch. “You will be amused to hear that the last 2 days I have been dreaming of you,” he wrote to Atkinson. “The day before yesterday I was smashing your bottom with great gusto.” This was something he had delighted in doing when Atkinson was on board—catching him unawares with a firm smack.

The Remuera arrived in England on April 15; the Terra Nova docked in Cardiff two months later. It was the end of the line for the Terra Nova, which would now be sold, but for the expedition there was much work still to be done: scientific, administrative, financial. First, however, it was time for Pennell to go home.

He and Atkinson reunited in Awliscombe in June. Atkinson was exhausted from weeks spent traveling to meet with the relatives of the lost polar-party members, retelling the same horrible tale over and over—he badly needed a holiday. He got one in the form of a glorious summer week with Pennell: tennis on the court behind the family home, drives along country roads in a hired motorcar, a wooded hike to medieval earthworks, visits to various aunts and cousins in the area eager to meet two genuine Antarctic heroes.

Then the week was over and both men headed for London, where they moved into a house filled with other bachelors near Harley Street. “It is very comfortable here,” Pennell wrote of the place, “and being in the same house as Atkinson makes it most enjoyable.” During the week it was work, dinner, and then the theater—lots of it. (Pennell in particular was a fan of the stage.) Pennell took to waking Atkinson up at 6:30 a.m. to make the most of their days together; on the weekends he often escaped to family in the countryside while Atkinson remained in town.

In July, King George presented the Polar Medal to the members of the expedition at a state ceremony—everyone was in full dress uniform, with cocked hats and gold braid. Pennell proudly reported in his diary that the King “told Jane he had done very well, a kindly & well deserved acknowledgment of the way he has behaved.”

Soon it was time to part once more. On August 13, Pennell took a break from writing the report of the Terra Nova’s voyage to accompany Atkinson and his three sisters to Southampton. The Atkinsons were leaving on the passenger steamship Trent for the West Indies, where they were born and where their family still lived. They would be gone for a month.

Aboard the Terra Nova earlier that year, sailing for England, Pennell had written to Atkinson, “This little absence has given a very keen edge to the pleasure of looking forward to seeing you again. If the navy means everlasting break ups & paying offs it also means a great many meetings again & these are the pleasures of life.” For men like Pennell and Atkinson, the constant goodbyes and reunions were part of life, something to be endured in the former case and cherished in the latter.

A few days after Atkinson’s departure, who should show up in London but Gerry Hodson, with whom Pennell had served years prior on the Mercury and fallen in love. “Till I met [Gerry] I thought I should never know what real love was,” Pennell had written in his diary all those years ago. “And now he could twist me round his little finger.” Pennell spent two weekends in Gloucestershire with Hodson and his family. But his mind was elsewhere. “Find myself counting the days till Jane returns, it is almost aggravating at times to be so violently in love with a man,” he wrote. “It is lucky to have so many months with him now.”

As he waited for Atkinson’s return, Pennell kept busy—he knew no other way to be, really. He was always moving, always working. Finally, September arrived and Pennell was at London’s Waterloo Station to meet Atkinson’s train. “Jane was very bright & happy when he arrived & fled off to Essex where his lady love lives,” Pennell wrote in his diary, “but that is another story.”

Her name was Jessie Ferguson. She was a sprightly Scottish redhead whom Atkinson thought he might marry. It was the sensible end of the line for any man of his age and station. Passionate friendships between men were natural in the masculine worlds that Atkinson and Pennell inhabited. They’d both been boarders at private schools for the sons of gentlemen, where they would have acted as servants for older boys and then solicited obedience and devotion in turn from younger boys. As a teenage naval midshipman, Pennell might have harbored a crush—or “pash,” as he’d have called it—on a superior officer. But these feelings had a stopping point. A man, in particular a man in uniform, was supposed to get married. Atkinson and Pennell were keenly aware of social expectations and the repercussions of bucking them.

Men from Scott’s expedition were getting engaged left and right: to the sisters of other expedition men, to girls they’d met in New Zealand, even to the heiress of a pharmaceutical fortune. Atkinson, as Pennell knew very well, had always been a flirt, especially when tipsy. Dancing with a pretty girl appealed to him just as much as a bout of the sweaty naval boxing he excelled at before the expedition. Pennell, conversely, had never much seen the appeal of women. He had written with jealous undertones about Gerry Hodson’s dealings with local girls. When a fellow officer on the Terra Nova expressed his desperation to be reunited with his fiancée back in England, Pennell was bewildered. “Presumably I shall be the same when the world is entirely composed by one fair young thing—at present one simply marvels,” he wrote in a letter to Atkinson on the voyage.

Pennell contemplated all this while on a rainy shooting holiday in Scotland with Atkinson, Cherry, and Oriana Wilson in late September. One of Pennell’s role models was Dr. Bill, whose widow, Oriana, he considered a dear friend. “I never thought the Christ-life possible as an ideal till I saw it in your husband,” he once wrote to her. If Bill had managed to find such fulfillment in married life, perhaps Pennell could, too. He’d been promoted in the navy, giving him a new station in life. Maybe he ought to have a wife to go along with it.

Pennell had known Gerry Hodson’s younger sister, Katie, for nearly ten years. That summer, she had accompanied him and Gerry to the theater in London; she was a pleasant girl. Though she’d rarely featured in his letters or his diary, he now considered her a sensible enough choice—an obvious one, even.

The first weekend of November, he visited the Hodsons. “I proposed to Katie & dropped a bombshell in the vicarage,” Pennell wrote afterward. “Mr. & Mrs. Hodson & all the family are delighted … all except poor Katie who is having rather a bad time.” She was afraid of him—accomplished and handsome as he was, she barely knew him—and afraid of marriage altogether. She did not accept him right away; her family gave her the time and space to make her own decision.

While Katie weighed the idea of life with Pennell, he returned to London and to Atkinson. They dined at Les Gobelins and discussed—not marriage, anything but that—the prospect of another Antarctic expedition, which Atkinson was keen on. In a few years, might they be back on the Terra Nova together, on a journey to figure out what lay east of the Barrier? Marriage or not, they were looking forward to being in each other’s lives for a long time.

On November 27, Pennell received a telegram: Katie had agreed to marry him. “Dear little girl I am afraid it is a bigger step for her than for a man,” he wrote in his diary. “So you see I am not the confirmed bachelor you used to fear I was,” he wrote to a friend who had congratulated him on his engagement. Pennell celebrated at Piccadilly Restaurant with Atkinson and one of their housemates, followed by a showing of his favorite play, The Great Adventure—it was his fifth time attending it.

Then it was back to work. He finished preparing the Terra Nova’s charts and magnetic readings and submitted them for review. Antarctica’s Oates Coast, which Pennell had charted and named in honor of his lost shipmate, was soon to be an official landmark.

Pennell then joined Katie and her family for three weeks of ice skating, orchestral concerts, and cafés au lait in Lausanne, Switzerland. “It seems as if she had got over her sort of fear of me & only has to overcome her feeling of shrinkage at the thought of marriage—from its physical side,” he wrote in his diary. “Brought up in complete ignorance of natural functions as K. & so many others are this idea of copulation when first presented to a girl’s mind must indeed be frightening.”

Pennell harbored his own doubts and fears, many of them the same ones Katie had. When he returned to England at the end of January 1914, he spent a Friday with Atkinson at the London School of Tropical Medicine. Ostensibly, he was there to help Atkinson with his work in parasitology—a lot of fiddly and difficult microscopy, “counting papillae on worms’ tails,” as Atkinson put it. In truth Pennell wanted to know, in detail, what would be expected of him as a husband, a topic about which he was sure Atkinson knew more than he. “Jane has been splendid explaining aspects of the physical side of marriage,” he later wrote. “He is a friend such as most men never find.”

“So you see I am not the confirmed bachelor you used to fear I was,” Pennell wrote to a friend who had congratulated him on his engagement.

By February, Pennell and Atkinson had moved out of their shared home at 15 Queen Anne Street. For Pennell, the greatest joy of the past nine months had been living “with Jane under the same roof.” But he had been posted to the HMS Duke of Edinburgh as navigating commander, and Atkinson was given a new job researching schistosomiasis in China with a colleague, Cherry serving as their assistant.

The work mainly involved digging through feces to find evidence of infection-causing parasites along the Yangtze River. Work that many would hate, Atkinson enjoyed. What he didn’t enjoy, especially once Cherry departed for England in May, was his colleague, Robert Leiper, whom he found himself frequently butting heads with. “I don’t really think old chap you can fully realize how perfectly damnable this man can be,” Atkinson wrote to Cherry, fuming.

It was a seemingly intractable problem. But then war broke out, shattering the still, hot air of August 1914. Atkinson put himself on the first ship home.

Part IV
The Great War

If the navy in peacetime was likely to separate Pennell and Atkinson—“everlasting break ups & paying offs,” as Pennell had put it—the navy in wartime was worse. Atkinson arrived in England on August 29 and quickly joined the men on the HMS St Vincent, a flagship in Britain’s Grand Fleet. There was little time for personal meetings. “The illustrious Pennell turned up the other day and I was alongside him in the skiff as soon as she dropped anchor,” Atkinson wrote in a letter a few months later. “He really is an old dear and blessed with all the virtues and I would give anything to be with him. I have only seen him once since then as we are on different duties and are seldom in together.”

But if he longed to be with Pennell at sea, Atkinson also yearned to be assigned to the front, where he could be of real use, and petitioned the navy to allow him to investigate sanitary and parasitological problems in the trenches. By then the first of the Terra Nova crew had already died in the war: Lieutenant Henry Rennick drowned in the North Sea when a German torpedo hit the HMS Hogue. In the cold water, he handed his life preserver to an exhausted comrade before being swept below. Newly married, he left behind his pregnant wife, Isobel.

Perhaps it was with Rennick on his mind that Pennell took a few days of leave in April 1915 to marry Katie. War weddings were a common enough sight. It was only a pity that neither Atkinson nor Denis Lillie could get away from their war duties to be his best men, as he’d wanted. At least Oriana Wilson was there, still in her black widow’s garb. So were Pennell’s sisters and an abundance of Hodsons. Katie’s father, the rector, performed the ceremony. Pennell wore his gold-braided dress uniform, with cocked hat and ceremonial sword. Katie wore a dress of white silk, edged with lace, and a pearl and diamond pendant given to her by Pennell. She used Pennell’s sword to cut the cake, which was decorated with penguins, seals, and anchors. The couple posed for photographs and then took a short honeymoon in Devonshire. Then Pennell went back to his ship.

Atkinson was still squirming to get to the front. “I am so excited at the idea of getting over and this waiting is bad,” he wrote to Cherry in June 1915. “Penelope writes very cheerfully but unfortunately I have missed him as his squadron and ours have now changed billets and so I may not see him again before I go over.” Atkinson was finally dispatched to Gallipoli in August 1915, and on his way stopped to marry Jessie Ferguson in a quick civil ceremony in an Essex registry office.

Landing at Cape Helles, Atkinson found himself in trenches filthy with disease from infestations of flies and maggots. It may have seemed like hell, but it was a perfect laboratory for Atkinson’s work. He and his crew burned waste, improved latrines, removed garbage, and tested out new insecticides. Atkinson’s mitigation efforts quickly bore fruit. The number of vermin decreased rapidly, and the amount of sickness affecting the men soon dropped by a third. Atkinson felt that he was being useful. Even the threat of being bombed hardly bothered him. “I am a bit of a Jonah over shells and have been swiped and that sort of thing and it really is queer how callous one gets,” he wrote to Cherry.

Shrapnel was one matter, sickness another. Come winter, Atkinson was struck with severe pneumonia, pleurisy, and paratyphoid, and was sent home. “I have been badly bitten by the life and my work was going along splendidly when this [damned] thing happened,” Atkinson grumbled. Pennell wrote to Cherry when he heard: “It is very unfortunate about Jane. Luck of war of course, but one hoped he might escape.”

Cherry was sick, too, as he had been on and off since returning from the Antarctic expedition. This time he was an invalid at home with severe colitis. Haunted by his failure to meet the polar party at One Ton Depot, trauma was taking a physical toll on him, and Atkinson was concerned. “Look here old chap in my usual interfering way I have been worrying around,” Atkinson wrote to him in early 1916. He recommended that Cherry get in touch with Denis Lillie. If Cherry was angry at the imposition, it didn’t last—one couldn’t possibly be mad at sweet Lillie, who was soon invited to repose at Lamer, Cherry’s large Hertfordshire estate.

Once recovered, Atkinson spent the spring of 1916 in England, trying to get a posting on a warship—any would do. There was rumored to be a “big show” coming, a major display of naval force against Germany, and he didn’t want to miss it.

Pennell and Atkinson

The headlines that spring didn’t always convey news of the war. There had been another disaster in Antarctica. Shackleton’s Endurance expedition had not been heard from in nearly 18 months, and was now presumed lost. Something had to be done for Sir Ernest, a national hero ever since his close approach to the Pole in 1908. The Admiralty began to put together a rescue mission. Atkinson, having led Scott’s expedition through winter and the mission to find the lost party, was a natural choice to lead the search for Shackleton.

Atkinson wanted to turn the offer down—he had just been posted to France as medical officer for the howitzer brigade of the Royal Marine Artillery. An order from the Admiralty could not be ignored, however. So Atkinson relented and asked that Pennell be released from war duty in order to serve on the rescue mission together. The request was mistimed. On May 30, 1916, Pennell was on the HMS Queen Mary, steaming to the North Sea with the rest of the Grand Fleet, ready to engage German battleships in action: The big show had come at last.

Then, just as British ships were firing on the Germans, Shackleton suddenly reappeared. A telegram from the Falkland Islands reported the ordeal his men had survived: ship crushed by ice in the Weddell Sea, men starving on ice floes, sailing open boats to Elephant Island. The Admiralty could call off the rescue mission; Shackleton would save his own men.

As this spectacular news traveled around the world, Pennell and the men aboard the Queen Mary sustained a direct hit from a German ship. Then another. Then the Queen Mary’s munitions stores detonated. Amid the loud and brutal battle, the ship broke in two and sank fast.

By the time the thick black smoke had cleared enough to reveal the devastation, only scraps of debris of the Queen Mary remained, floating in an oil slick. There were 20 survivors in a company of nearly 1,300 men. None of them were officers.

If only Atkinson’s request that Pennell join him on the Shackleton rescue had been granted in time. “I wish to God now it had come off and he had been out of Queen Mary.”

“Penelope has gone and I am very sore at his loss,” Atkinson wrote to Cherry. It was a subdued response to the death of the man he loved, but writing was not Atkinson’s strength. (“He will not do so if he can help it,” Cherry once noted.) If there were any among their old crew to adequately translate grief to the page, it would have been the poetic, observant Pennell. Still, Atkinson tried. “Fate in these cases seems so hard and so very inexplicable. I would willingly have taken his place,” he confessed to Mrs. Kinsey in New Zealand, who had once provided the two men a cabin to share. To another friend of his and Pennell’s, Atkinson wrote, “Captain Pennell’s loss has been a very great blow to me.” If only Atkinson’s request that Pennell join him on the Shackleton rescue had been granted in time. “I wish to God now it had come off and he had been out of Queen Mary.”

With Shackleton safe, Atkinson remained in France attached to the howitzer brigade and its 94-ton guns, which were towed by tractors from trench to trench in pieces. There he stayed for a year, attending to the wounded. He survived a blast of shrapnel to the face and eye in July 1917, but insisted on returning to the front two weeks after it was removed.

By late 1917, however, he was growing tired morally, if not yet physically. “This affair is no longer the gentlemanly game that it was,” he wrote to Cherry. The summer of 1918 found him in England, at Haslar Hospital, for more shrapnel removal. With many mentions in dispatches and a Distinguished Service Order for his troubles, he could easily have attained a cushy posting away from the front, but such a thing was unthinkable. “So many of my friends have gone West through the aid of the Hun that it makes me most bitter and I want to do all I can against them as long as I can,” he wrote to a friend. In August, he received a posting to the HMS Glatton, a newly completed battleship that sailed to Dover harbor in September, preparing for a fall offensive.

On September 16, the Glatton caught fire while in harbor, and its amidships munitions exploded. Atkinson was temporarily knocked out by the blast. When he awoke, his cabin and the passageway outside were filled with smoke and flames. He began bringing unconscious men, one after the other, to the upper deck. On his third trip, another explosion rocked the vessel—the fire had reached another munitions store. The explosion blinded Atkinson, and shrapnel pierced his leg. He dug it out, then groped around for more men to bring to safety.

By this time the other ships in the harbor had sent aid to the Glatton and were pulling injured men onto the pier. Atkinson, according to newspaper reports, was found “on the upper deck in an almost unconscious condition, so wounded and burnt that his life was despaired of for some time.”

He recovered at the Royal Naval Hospital in Chatham, almost unrecognizable after losing much of the right side of his handsome, chiseled face. He was awarded an Albert Medal for saving five lives. Two weeks after the Armistice, he received a glass eye.

Epilogue

Atkinson never returned to Antarctica, instead settling into a mainly administrative navy career. He walked with a bad limp, had a loose piece of bone stuck in his head, and suffered chronic pain from his war injuries. Ten years after the end of the war, his wife, Jessie, died of cancer. They had no children.

Atkinson sank into a deep depression and drank heavily, and his family feared that he would soon follow his wife to the grave. Against their advice, he abruptly retired from the navy, married Jessie’s cousin, and shipped out as a doctor on a passenger steamship. “I shall be happiest at sea again,” he told Cherry. He died just a few months later in 1929, aged 47, aboard the liner City of Sparta. Some reports said that the cause was heart failure, others said fever. In any case, he seemed to have known that the end was near and wanted to meet it at sea.

Atkinson was dead; Pennell, too. And Lillie, such a dear friend to both men, was gone—not dead, but locked away in an institution. At the start of the war, the biologist declared himself a conscientious objector, went to work as a noncombatant in a military lab, and spent his rare weeks of leave at Cherry’s estate, pushing the temporarily wheelchair-bound Cherry around the large garden and cheering him with typically dreamy talk of reincarnation, alternate dimensions, and the universal flux. Cherry gamely tolerated what Lillie called his “heresies,” and Lillie in turn doled out abundant affection. He dreamed of a future in which neither man married, even once writing, “You will not fall [in love] until the real me turns up.”

But Lillie’s letters ended abruptly in early 1918, when he was institutionalized at Bedlam for suicidal depression and delusion. No one, not even Cherry, was allowed to see him. (Lillie, like so many others interned in British psychiatric wards during that era, remained there until he died, in 1963.) Cherry was now alone, with no way to talk to his dearest friends except to write about them. In an early draft of his acclaimed book, The Worst Journey in the World, Cherry wrote, “In Pennell’s heaven they will work thirty hours in the day.… He will perhaps keep the Celestial Log Book, and the record of the animals sighted.… And every now and then he would ask for leave to go and take some of his friends in Hell out for dinner. I hope he will ask me.” (Cherry, increasingly consumed by his guilt at not being able to save the polar party, imagined that he would not share an afterlife with the illustrious Pennell.)

Later, in the preface of a reprint of the book after Atkinson’s death, Cherry wrote, “I have never known a better rock than Atkinson was that last year down South. His voice has been with me often since those days: that gruffish deep affectionate monosyllabic way he used to talk to you when he knew you were ill and perhaps feeling pretty rotten. Not but that he was abrupt at times. It was of the manner of the man to be so; it was his pose. The funny thing was that he could not prevent the tenderness poking through, despite himself.”

The initial publication of the book, in 1922, had brought Cherry success, fame, and many fans, including T. E. Lawrence and Nancy Mitford, and cemented Cherry’s position as one of the best-known survivors of the Scott expedition. For a moment he was seen as a literary leading light, but he never wrote another book. “The Antarctic … was the highlight of his life’s experience; the long remainder was anticlimax,” wrote a biographer. He continued to struggle with his mental and physical health, and married a younger woman when he could no longer carry on alone. He passed away in 1959. His widow wed his doctor.

Captain Scott’s wife never liked The Worst Journey in the World, because it showed her husband as he was: an anxious, brave man, but not always an ideal leader, lovable and complicated and all too human. But that honesty became essential to the book’s longevity. It was a candor born of love and grief under extraordinary circumstances. “In civilization men are taken at their own valuation because there are so many ways of concealment, and there is so little time, perhaps even so little understanding,” Cherry wrote. “Not so down South.”

Only in a place like Antarctica, Cherry believed, could one man know another’s real character. It was where Cherry had felt most himself, where Captain Scott and Dr. Bill formed a friendship so deep it lasted until their deaths. And where Atkinson and Pennell came to know and understand each other. They could not escape the tragedy the continent held for them, nor the disasters that awaited them in the Great War—but how good it was that, for a while, they at least had each other.


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“There Will Be No Mercy”

“There Will Be No Mercy”


When Ethiopia’s government launched a brutal two-year war in Tigray, the region’s largest hospital was overrun with victims. The medical staff risked everything to treat the wounded—and believe the world ignored a genocide.

The Atavist Magazine, No. 159


Drew Philp is a journalist, screenwriter, and TED speaker. His work has appeared in The Guardian and De Correspondent, among other publications. He is the author of A $500 House in Detroit.

Editor: Seyward Darby
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Kyla Jones

Published in January 2025.


Warning: The following story contains graphic depictions of sexual violence and other atrocities.

Day One

Saba would have preferred to be an architect. A young woman who exuded effortless cool and liked aviator glasses and Pink Floyd T-shirts, she had instead been thrust into studying medicine by her upwardly mobile family. Saba was the eldest daughter, and the first in her family to go to college. In Ethiopia, that meant that she was expected to become a doctor or engineer. Her family chose medicine.

Born and raised in Addis Ababa, Saba Tewoldebrihan Goitom attended medical school in Mekelle, the capital of Ethiopia’s Tigray region. Her family is part of the Tigrayan ethnic group, but she never felt particularly Tigrayan. Saba considered herself a citizen of her nation, one of the pluralistically minded youth who would inherit the empire of dozens of ethnic groups that the world called Ethiopia.

Saba moved to Mekelle because she had extended family in the city, and because Tigray—which is about the size of Denmark and is Ethiopia’s northernmost region—was more stable than most of the country. A two-decade conflict over Ethiopia’s border with Eritrea, which touches Tigray, had ended with a much lauded peace agreement in 2018. The accord earned Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed the Nobel Peace Prize.

Saba liked Mekelle. When she wasn’t studying, she enjoyed the city’s coffeehouses and kaleidoscopic nightlife. She had a diverse group of friends—many of her fellow students weren’t Tigrayan. She even grew to like medicine, particularly when it meant playing disease detective by trying to determine the illness afflicting a patient.

Then, only a few months before Saba was set to begin her internship, the outbreak of COVID put her education on hold. Like many young people, she moved back home. She helped her mother around the house, looked after her sisters, and watched countless movies. In the fall of 2020, she was summoned back to school. The 24-year-old expected that the pandemic would be the only disruption on her path to becoming a doctor. But on November 3, as her father drove her to the airport for the return flight to Mekelle, his phone rang. The caller bore distressing news: Her father’s best friend had been arrested. Law enforcement had detained him without explanation when he went to a government office to pay his taxes.

Saba’s father was as confused as he was frightened. Both he and his friend, who was also Tigrayan, were law-abiding men who made no trouble. When Saba said goodbye to her father at the airport, she hoped that he would soon have answers. Still, the call left her feeling uneasy.

Saba had kept her apartment in Mekelle, a five-minute walk from Ayder Comprehensive Specialized Hospital, where her medical school was located. But the government required a COVID test upon arrival in the city; Saba spent the night in a hotel downtown while awaiting the results. She checked in late and spoke on the phone with her mother. There was no news about her father’s friend. She looked at social media for a few moments. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. She fell asleep around 11 p.m.

By the time she awoke the next morning, both internet and cell service were gone. Power in the neighborhood appeared to be out too, but the hotel had a generator, so Saba turned on the television. Tigray’s regional president was on screen saying that a war had begun. Tigray Special Forces* had launched several attacks on federal troops in Tigray, including one at their headquarters in Mekelle. The federal government claimed that the assault was unprovoked. Tension had simmered between the federal and Tigrayan governments in recent months, but Saba couldn’t fathom that anyone in power would be “stupid enough to start a war.”

* Ethiopia’s constitution authorizes each regional government to maintain its own armed forces.

Saba ran downstairs. The hotel receptionist told her that banking in the city had been suspended. Saba had only 1,500 birr in cash (about $40), and more than half of that would go toward covering the hotel room. She was on the verge of tears, but the receptionist assured her that she’d be able to withdraw money soon. Whatever was going on, it wouldn’t last long.

Saba wanted to believe the receptionist. She had never felt afraid in Mekelle before. After covering the cab to her apartment and buying a few necessities, Saba had 300 birr ($8) left. She didn’t know it then, but the money would have to last her a month.

Ayder Comprehensive Specialized Hospital in Mekelle. (Photo by Yasuyoshi Chiba/AFP via Getty Images)

Hale Teka woke up on the morning of November 4 to the sound of gunfire. An ob-gyn at Ayder, he was a physically imposing man who was accustomed to deference from others in light of his professional skills and stature. His father had been a farmer, like his father before him, but Hale’s drive and intelligence helped him escape a life of manual labor. His star rose so fast that he never had to apply for jobs—he was always offered them. He was a man completely in control of his domain, a master of his trade. Nearly every day, people lived or died at his hands. Mostly they lived.

Hale wasn’t sure where the gunfire was coming from, and with service outages across Mekelle, he couldn’t look online for answers. He was certain something was very wrong. But what could he do? He got dressed and did what he did most mornings: He went to work.

Ayder  was the second-largest hospital in Ethiopia, a public institution serving seven million people. It was the jewel of the Tigrayan health system, a network of hospitals and clinics painstakingly built over decades into one of the most comprehensive in sub-Saharan Africa. Ayder’s campus consisted of a complex of white buildings encircled by low trees, and that November the skeletons of two new structures—a multistory oncology unit and an emergency complex—were visible on the property.

When Hale arrived, the hospital was busy with patients—women in white headscarves and flower-print dresses, men in Western-style collared shirts buttoned to the neck, some wearing head wraps or cotton shawls. But there was also something surprising: soldiers. They lined the halls of Ayder’s ER bearing gunshot wounds.

Hale moved quickly through the hospital to attend his daily staff meeting. The morning assembly typically involved a case review of the previous 24 hours, discussions about the work of interns and residents, and updates on general goings-on throughout the hospital. At this meeting, however, there was talk only of conflict.

Employees in white coats and scrubs wondered aloud: Is it really war or just a skirmish? How long will it last? There were already soldiers arriving at Ayder for medical assistance; would there be civilians, too? Hale was due to travel to Addis Ababa soon for further training. Rumors circulated that the federal government was rounding up prominent Tigrayans in the capital. Would it be safe for him to go?

Hale was no stranger to conflict. He had seen the Ethiopian civil war, which had lasted from 1974 to 1991, and ended with the Tigray People’s Liberation Front (TPLF) leading a coalition that overthrew the Derg, the country’s military junta. At the time, Eritrea was also fighting a war of independence against Ethiopia. Eritrea became a sovereign nation in 1993, but peace was fleeting. Five years later it invaded Ethiopia, triggering what became known as the Badme War, which lasted two years.

Hale knew that war had a way of leaving no one untouched. He had a wife and child at home. He looked at his colleagues and wondered how many of them would be injured, sustain scars, possibly die. Would he be among them? Would his family?

For now there were only questions.

What most Tigrayans didn’t know—what few people in the world knew—was that behind the scenes, Abiy had been plotting all-out war.

Abraha Gebreegziabher, the head of Ayder’s pediatrics unit, was also at the hospital that morning. The kind of man who was never late, and polite to a fault, Abraha was a natural at his job, able to calm sick children and anxious parents alike. With communications down, he’d brought along a handheld radio on his way to work. As his loafers crunched over Mekelle’s sandy streets, he listened to news of the conflict and wondered how long the fighting would last.

Like Saba and Hale, Abraha was astonished by the announcement of war. Recent disagreements between the TPLF in Tigray and federal authorities in Addis Ababa had seemed like political skirmishes, not the run-up to war. Though Tigrayans made up only 6 percent of the population, the TPLF led Ethiopia’s governing coalition from 1991 to 2018 and oversaw rapid national development. Under its rule, Ethiopia became the seat of the African Union, was home to a powerful military, and boasted one of the fastest-growing economies in the world. But the TPLF was also a brutal and repressive force that jailed journalists and political opponents. Prime Minister Abiy, who was not Tigrayan, came to power amid a wave of protests and had promised democratic reforms. It didn’t take him long to marginalize the group.

Abiy’s administration pushed the TPLF out of the country’s governing coalition and purged high-level Tigrayans from its military. The administration then postponed elections, thereby extending the prime minister’s first term of office. The government attributed the delay to COVID. The TPLF, which still held political sway in Tigray, saw the move as illegitimate and a possible step toward dictatorship. It decided to hold regional elections in September 2020 anyway, defying the national government. Abiy’s government declared the election in Tigray illegal and barred journalists from covering the vote.

What most Tigrayans didn’t know—what few people in the world knew—was that behind the scenes, Abiy was plotting all-out war. While the international community was busy feting the 2018 peace accord he’d negotiated with Eritrea’s authoritarian leader, Isais Afwerki, Abiy was quietly moving federal troops toward Tigray and into Eritrea. He met with Isais more than a dozen times, sometimes clandestinely, including at military installations. Apparently they discussed plans for war, including the use of Eritrean troops to bolster Ethiopia’s military efforts.

Tigray Special Forces didn’t deny attacking the military bases in the early hours of November 4, but they insisted that it was a matter of preemptive self-defense. While the incident may have been the spark that started the conflict, Abiy had been laying tinder at Tigray’s doorstep for at least two years. Within hours of the attack, the extent of his planning became evident: Abiy declared a state of emergency in Tigray and plunged the region into a banking and communications blackout. Transportation to and from the region was cut off. Civilians could no longer leave.

On November 5, the Ethiopian National Defense Force began dropping bombs in Tigray, advancing toward Mekelle from the south. Within a week, Eritrean soldiers entered the region from the north. The two military forces acted like a hammer and an anvil, crushing civilians trapped between them. Soon regional troops from Ethiopia’s Amhara state and soldiers from Somalia joined the war on the side of Abiy’s government.

If Abiy and his allies hoped that the conflict would be short-lived, ending in decisive victory, they were wrong. The war dragged on for two years, becoming one of the deadliest conflicts of the 21st century. The fact that many readers are likely unfamiliar with it is no accident; Abiy’s information blockade was one of the most effective in modern history. His government also used propaganda and exploited weaknesses in the international order to hide the truth about what was happening in Tigray, which included intentional starvation, mass detention, widespread rape, targeting of civilians, and ethnic cleansing.

It remains an open question whether Abiy’s government perpetrated a genocide against the Tigrayan people. Each person featured in this story, and others who helped make the reporting possible, risk imprisonment or assassination by providing evidence that could move the world closer to an answer.

Unlike most health facilities in the region, Ayder remained largely operational throughout the war.* Patients came from across northern Ethiopia seeking help. The stories collected by the hospital’s staff, as well as their personal experiences, lay bare the scope of the war.

* In March 2021, Doctors Without Borders reported that one in five Tigrayan health facilities visited by the organization in early 2021 were occupied by armed soldiers. Nearly 70 percent had been looted. “Health facilities in most areas appear to have been deliberately vandalized to render them non-functional,” the organization wrote.

Less than 24 hours passed before Abraha began to glimpse the war’s toll on children. Young patients with blast and shrapnel wounds began arriving in the pediatrics ward the from areas outside Mekelle. In time, so many children would pour into Ayder that Abraha wondered: Were soldiers targeting them?

Fifteen-year-old Desalegn Gebreselassie’s leg was badly injured in eastern Tigray in February 2021. He was one of the lucky few able to obtain treatment at Ayder. (Photo by Eduardo Soteras/AFP via Getty Images)

When he learned about the outbreak of the war, Mebrahtu Haftu came to the hospital to see if he could help. An energetic knot of a man and a perpetual volunteer, Mebrahtu worked as a nursing instructor at Mekelle University. That morning, his classes were put on hold because of the start of the war, and Mebrahtu spent the day pitching in where he could, checking patients’ vitals and cleaning wounds in the ER. His skills as a scrub nurse and his wide, welcoming smile helped people trust him.

When he learned that the hospital desperately needed blood, he signed up right away. Mebrahtu lay down in a bed in one of the emergency bays and extended his arm, flanked by a number of colleagues who’d also volunteered. On a bed across from him lay an injured federal soldier.

While Mebrahtu’s blood flowed from his arm, he had time to think. He regretted spending all his available cash the previous day on a cell phone, a gift for his wife. They were adding apps to the phone and playing with its features when suddenly service was cut. Now, without access to banking, Mebrahtu wondered how he’d pay for food and other necessities.

When he was finished with his donation, Mebrahtu held a cotton ball to his arm as a plump nurse tested the half-liter of blood. She determined that it was free of disease, then turned to the soldier. She hung the bag on an IV stand, then pierced the soldier’s arm with a syringe. Mebrahtu watched as the blood he’d just given, still warm, flowed down a plastic tube and into the wounded man.

Mebrahtu was grateful to be able to help. On the first day of the conflict, Ethiopian soldiers were not yet his enemy. 

Sounds

For weeks, violence blazed across the countryside. But outside Ayder, the inhabitants of Mekelle rarely saw it firsthand. They could only hear it. The war was in the hum of drones, possibly operated by the United Arab Emirates at the behest of the Ethiopian government, headed to pound the wider region with airstrikes. It was in the word-of-mouth reports that in the town of Humera, federal soldiers and Amhara militia had murdered civilians and dumped their bodies in the Tekeze River, and that in Zalambessa, corpses left in the streets were eaten by hyenas and dogs. Tigrayan fighters committed violence too, including a massacre of ethnic Amharans in the town of Mai Kadra. A massacre of Tigrayans in the city swiftly followed.

Yet in Mekelle, ghastly stories were just that—stories. The lack of reliable communication with the outside world meant that little could be confirmed. Residents went on with their lives as best they could. Neighbors congregated to drink coffee and smoke. The feeling on the street was that the war wouldn’t last.

Saba’s cash dwindled quickly. She found some silver jewelry her sister had given her and was able to sell it on the street for 400 birr (just under $12), which she spent on food. She passed the time reading George R.R. Martin’s fantasy novels, the Harry Potter saga, and books by Sebhat Gebre-Egziabher, a renowned Tigrayan author who wrote in Amharic. Most days she also studied at the hospital, which had a generator.

One day she ran into an acquaintance who told her that Tigrayans in Addis Ababa were being thrown in jail. Saba hadn’t been able to speak with her family since the day she left home. Could her father have been imprisoned like his best friend? Could something worse have happened? She burst into tears.

Saba wanted to go home, but leaving Tigray was nearly impossible. Those who attempted to flee the region were most often interrogated, arrested, and sent to prison. She, and most everyone else, was trapped.

A cousin of Saba’s who lived in Mekelle told her that he’d been able to watch a bit of news, and that he’d seen Saba’s father in the background during a government event in which several Tigrayans pledged loyalty to Abiy. Saba was sure that her father had no choice but to appear. She was told that he’d been forced to give money to the government—to “fund the genocide of his own family,” as she put it.

The safety of other family members remained uncertain, including that of her grandfather, who lived near the border with Eritrea. Knowing what often happened to women in war, his second wife and their daughters went to hide in nearby caves. His sons became Tigrayan soldiers. But Saba’s grandfather refused to leave his home, even as Eritrean soldiers advanced toward it.

“We are the sons of Eritrea,” the letter read. “We are brave. And we will continue, even now. We will make the Tigrayan womb bear no fruits.”

Abraha couldn’t ignore what he was seeing. So many kids were appearing at the hospital with gunshot wounds that it couldn’t be accidental. He began a comprehensive study he believed might show that soldiers were deliberately attacking children. He documented more than 200 cases of kids hit by bullets, shells, and bombs. Others had touched live ordnance that seemed purposefully placed to attract curiosity. Some of his patients had been mutilated, others rendered blind or deaf. Perversely, the children Abraha saw were the lucky ones; at Ayder they at least had a chance at survival.

With his classes still suspended, Mebrahtu worked as a scrub nurse, preparing materials for the OR and handing across the instruments when the doctor called out “scalpel.” One man he tended to had been shot in the face twice. The first bullet grazed his cheekbone and tore through his skin. Strangely, the same thing happened on the other side of his face. Perhaps the luckiest survivor of the war, the man received symmetrical scars instead of a casket.

Other injuries were more horrific. The case of one child caused Mebrahtu to vomit at work for the first time in his career. The boy weighed only a few pounds and arrived at the hospital with a piece of shrapnel lodged in his chest. He bled to death in Mebrahtu’s arms.

Hale’s patients had also changed. Women who traveled long distances to get help at Ayder reported shocking sexual assaults. Survivors of gang rape by soldiers staggered into the facility nearly catatonic. One of the resident physicians in Hale’s department pulled a letter from a woman’s vagina, where it had been forced by her attackers. “We are the sons of Eritrea,” it read. “We are brave. And we will continue, even now. We will make the Tigrayan womb bear no fruits.”

Hale documented some of the most harrowing cases he saw, including that of a woman who arrived in the maternity ward wearing clothes stained in blood. She told Hale that she’d gone into labor a week before. Because soldiers arrived in the village where she lived, she decided that a home birth might be safer. She labored for four days, but the baby wouldn’t come. Finally, her family took her to a local clinic but found it empty, the staff having fled for their lives. The woman then went to a small hospital, but Ethiopian and Eritrean soldiers had requisitioned it as barracks, in defiance of international law. They chased the woman and her family away.

The woman’s family took her to another clinic, but it was ill-equipped for difficult births. The baby was breech, and when the staff attempted to deliver it with forceps, they decapitated it. The head remained inside the mother’s body. As she bled profusely, the staff told her that she would have to go to Ayder.

Her family began the long journey on foot, carrying her on a stretcher made of cloth and sticks. Outside Mekelle, they ran into a checkpoint manned by federal soldiers. The troops broke the stretcher into pieces, beat the family, and turned everyone away except the woman. Alone and bleeding, she crawled on her hands and knees toward the city, until a stranger in a car picked her up and transported her to Ayder.

When Hale examined her, the woman barely had a pulse. Her blood pressure was so low that nurses couldn’t get a reading. Hale performed surgery and managed to save the woman but not her uterus, which had ruptured. She would never again bear a child. “Many women have sustained similar atrocities,” Hale said.

Hale had long believed that people were inherently good and that the world tended toward progress. But as more and more civilians assailed by war arrived at Ayder, he lost faith in his fellow man. In more optimistic moments, Hale clung to a sliver of hope. If individuals couldn’t stop this, surely institutions would. Once word about what was happening in Tigray reached the wider world, the international community would respond. Powerful countries would step in and demand that the atrocities stop. Abiy’s government would be forced to yield.

Nine-year-old Arsema Berha lost her hand when her village in southern Tigray was shelled. (Photo by Eduardo Soteras/AFP via Getty Images)

Day by day, the war inched closer to Mekelle. On November 22, a colonel in the Ethiopian military urged residents to surrender—soon the city would be surrounded, blitzed, and then captured. “There will be no mercy,” he said on state-run television, to those able to access it. Civilians were told to shelter in place. Abraha soon moved his family outside the city, into the home of a friend. He hoped it would be safer than the heart of Mekelle. But the war would find him anyway.

Abraha had grown up in the town of Idaga Hamus. His father was a teff and sorghum farmer, and part of their land had been allotted by the government for a new health center when Abraha was still a boy. The facility was called St. Hannah’s, and watching its staff treat children made Abraha realize that he wanted to be a pediatrician.

His parents’ home stood near a main road. Two weeks into the war, the family began to hear shelling and gunfire. One morning, Abraha’s father saw movement outside and went to investigate. Almost immediately, Eritrean soldiers began shooting, forcing Abraha’s father to shelter in another building. His wife quickly took her daughters and grandchildren to hide with a nearby relative. When she returned later that day, she found Eritrean soldiers holding captive two of her sons who had stayed behind. The soldiers beat the sons and threatened to kill them. They confined the family to a single room.

Soon the family’s hay storage, intended to keep their farm animals alive during the dry season, was in flames. Abraha’s father saw the blaze from his hiding place. Was the family’s home burning? It was risky to go outside, but he went anyway.

On the fifth day, the soldiers finally allowed residents out of their homes. It was then that Abraha’s brothers found their father shot dead 20 yards from their home. His was one of dozens of bodies that lay scattered around the city. The soldiers warned that anyone found crying or mourning would be killed, so the family asked a more distant relative to collect the body and bury it at a church. There would be no funeral.

Many of the family’s neighbors fled to a nearby town called Dengelat, where they hoped they’d be safe. But nine days later, on one of the holiest days in the Ethiopian Orthodox calendar, the Feast of St. Mary of Zion, Eritrean soldiers arrived. They went house to house, bound the hands of men, women, and children, and shot them. Among the dead were more than 20 teenagers who sang in church.

Only days later, several of Abraha’s cousins, as well as one of his mother’s cousins and her son, were executed near the Goda Bottle and Glass Factory. Then his grandfather died of an illness—the war had prevented him from traveling to a clinic or hospital for treatment.

In the span of five weeks, Abraha lost at least seven family members, and many neighbors and acquaintances. When he learned of their deaths at his sister’s house in Mekelle, his thoughts turned hazy. The only clarity that pierced his shock and grief was that he needed to keep working. He had to try to save as many people as he could.

Mebrahtu spent the night huddled with his wife and daughter, praying. “Please save my family. Please. Not today. It shouldn’t be today.”

On November 26, Mebrahtu ate a breakfast of spiced and fried injera, a flatbread, at home with his wife and daughter. They lived in a simple house with a corrugated steel roof. His daughter was too young to really understand the war, and she didn’t ask many questions. Sometimes distant shelling made her laugh. But this morning was different. Explosions were getting closer, more frequent, more threatening. Mebrahtu and his wife tried not to show fear in front of their daughter, lest it become contagious, and they sat to eat as normal. They could hear their dog, Buchi, barking outside. Then all the windows of the house blew in.

Mebrahtu found himself on the kitchen floor covered in glass. He searched for his wife and child and found them also on the ground, unharmed. Outside, in front of his mother-in-law’s home, there was a cloud of ash and a crater the size of a truck. Mebrahtu couldn’t understand why they had been hit. They didn’t live anywhere near government or military structures. The dog had stopped barking, and Mebrahtu feared that the shell had landed on it.

Mebrahtu and his wife quickly pulled her mother from her collapsed home. Thankfully the dog reappeared. Together they took shelter in the basement of a nearby concrete building. Mebrahtu watched as cars raced through the streets, many heading out of town. He suspected that members of the TPLF were escaping, and he was correct. They fled Mekelle hoping that if federal troops knew they were gone, the assault on the city would cease.

At dark, Mebrahtu’s family returned to their windowless house. Mebrahtu spent the night huddled with his wife and daughter, praying. “Please save my family. Please. Not today. It shouldn’t be today.” He also hatched a plan. He had been building a new house for his family in another neighborhood three or four miles away. The house was stronger than their current one. If they could get there, maybe they would be safe.

In the morning, the family heard nearby small-arms fire. They joined thousands of residents in the streets, trying to escape the encroaching violence. Mebrahtu and his family had nearly reached their new house when a bus appeared ahead of them, traveling quickly. It was followed by another, then another, maybe a dozen in all. They were full of armed soldiers.

Mebrahtu held his daughter as the buses sped toward them. He realized that, as a Tigrayan man of fighting age, he might be perceived as a threat and shot on the spot. What if his daughter was hit, too? He couldn’t fathom another child dying in his arms, much less his own. So he abruptly let go of his daughter and dropped her to the pavement. He braced for the bullets as she began to cry. But he couldn’t bear to hear her screams, even if soothing her might mean her death. As the buses rushed past, Mebrahtu fell to his knees and hugged his crying daughter. Dust whipped up around them in the trucks’ wake. Mebrahtu closed his eyes tight. Once again he prayed. The bullets never came.

Medical staff treat a young patient at Ayder. (Photo by Yasuyoshi Chiba/AFP via Getty Images)

Hale refused to leave his home as attacks intensified across Mekelle. His wife and child had departed for a friend’s residence with a basement where they could hide. Not Hale. He’d been able to choose most everything in his life. Now he would choose where it would end. “Let me die here,” he told his wife before she fled.

Hale waited for soldiers to knock on his door. For a long time he sat in his bedroom, drinking beer and feeling surly. He returned again and again to his copy of Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust, by Immaculée Ilibagiza. “There were many voices, many killers,” Ilibagiza writes. “I could see them in my mind: my former friends and neighbors, who had always greeted me with love and kindness, moving through the house carrying spears and machetes and calling my name.”

When Hale read that génocidaires in Rwanda had split open the head of a Tutsi with a master’s degree simply to see what his brain looked like, Hale wondered: Could this be my fate?

In time he ventured to the rest of the house. He prayed for his wife and child, but not for himself. For hours on end he read and prayed, paced and drank, listening to bombs fall outside his home, to the deathly rattle of machine guns, to the diesel-fuel roar of tanks. When would the soldiers knock? He pined for his wife. It was hell not being able to speak to her.

By November 28, after days of shelling, the Ethiopian military gained full control of the city. By evening, Abiy announced the end of the military confrontation in Tigray. “Our focus now will be on rebuilding the region and providing humanitarian assistance while federal police apprehend the TPLF clique,” he wrote on Twitter. From hiding, TPLF chair Debretsion Gebremichel insisted that armed resistance would continue. “As long as they are on our land, we’ll fight to the last,” he told the international press. Gebremichel would soon call the government’s campaign in Tigray “genocidal.”

The mass killings that had taken place elsewhere didn’t come to pass in Mekelle. Instead, the city settled into the new, tense normalcy of occupation. Abiy’s administration hastily installed an interim puppet government to oversee Tigray. It instituted a curfew of 6 p.m., no exceptions, even for medical emergencies. Spotty electricity and cell service soon returned in Mekelle, although it remained suspended elsewhere.

Hale’s wife came back home with their child, and as they reunited, Hale heard a surprising noise. Someone was using the sound system at a nearby mosque, which usually broadcast calls to prayer, to announce that Ayder was being ransacked. The call snapped Hale out of his despair. Although he was loath to part from his wife and child a second time, he left for the hospital.

During his furtive walk along a path he’d once trod daily without a thought, he saw that the citizens of Mekelle had been busy. Overnight, despite relentless shelling, they’d piled stones in the streets to prevent Eritrean soldiers from looting the hospital. When Hale arrived at Ayder, he found a group of colleagues and local residents hastily erecting a barricade in front of the main entrance. With his delicate surgeon’s hands, Hale picked up a stone and began to build.

Occupation

Mebrahtu also responded to the mosque’s call to aid the hospital. When he arrived, he found soldiers beating the civilians who were erecting the barricade. A soldier fired his rifle and the crowd scattered. Mebrahtu saw a man he knew, the owner of a local butcher shop, bleeding on the ground. The man would die three days later in the very hospital he was attempting to protect.

Despite their efforts, Ayder’s staff and their supporters couldn’t keep the troops at bay. Once soldiers secured the grounds, they laid a Tigrayan flag and military uniforms on the threshold of the main entrance. Anyone who wanted to go inside would have to step on these. Mebrahtu and Hale refused to trample on the symbols of Tigrayan pride. “Before the war, I had no attachment to the flag,” Mebrahtu said. Now he felt that it represented his very being.

A surgeon approached the soldiers and said that they could kill him if they wished, then bent down and carefully collected the flag and uniforms. Onlookers waited for the troops to fire their Kalashnikovs. Instead they relented. Staff were able to enter the hospital without enduring ritual humiliation.

The troops didn’t leave, however. They allowed Ayder to remain functional only under constant surveillance. Soldiers were stationed at the hospital around the clock, operating out of tents set up in the courtyard. Twice they assaulted the hospital’s director. The first time, when he went to a satellite facility run by Ayder to retrieve medical equipment, they beat him, called him a thief, and threatened him with death. The second time they pulled him from his office and assaulted him in a hallway.

Intimidation and beatings were just two of the ugly realities of occupation. Lies were another. On November 30, Abiy declared that federal troops had not killed a single civilian in Tigray. The staff of Ayder knew the truth. Victims of the war died on their operating tables and in their arms. Doctors and nurses lost members of their own families. At least one hospital employee, a midwife, was executed after fleeing the city.

Only two days before Abiy’s announcement, in the holy city of Axum, Eritrean forces shot as many as 800 Tigrayans—including children as young as 13—in the shadow of the Church of St. Mary of Zion. Ethiopian Orthodox Christians believe that the church’s chapel holds the Ark of the Covenant, said to contain the stone tablets, given to Moses by God, bearing the Ten Commandments. Those divine orders include “Thou shalt not kill.”

He hoped that a record of what doctors and nurses witnessed would help write the history of the war—the true version, not the government’s.

Abraha considered leaving his job and joining a volunteer Tigrayan army that was forming under TPLF leadership. Called the Tigray Defense Force (TDF), it was composed of men and women from all areas of society: farmers, professors, students, journalists, even the former president of Mekelle University. The TDF trained in the hills of central Tigray, where for centuries their ancestors had repelled invaders. They were taught to march, ambush, and disappear into the brush. To pull the bolt, shoulder the stock, and aim for body mass.

Abraha wasn’t a fighter by nature. His soft hands were more comfortable cradling babies than gripping deadly steel. But like many Tigrayans, he sensed an existential threat. “They were mercilessly killing people,” Abraha said of the military forces allied under Abiy. “[Pediatrics] was filled with war-injured children.” Perhaps picking up arms was the only answer.

What ultimately compelled Abraha against joining the TDF was the government allowing him and others from the hospital to set up medical services in the vast encampments around Mekelle. In early January 2021, the United Nations reported that there were more than 222,000 internally displaced people (IDP) in Tigray, most living in camps sprouting like mushrooms on the outskirts of cities and towns.*

*An additional 56,000 people fled Ethiopia entirely. Many became refugees in neighboring Sudan.

Between Ayder and the camps, Abraha worked every minute he could manage. He supervised younger staff. He ran clinical seminars. He taught volunteers how to provide basic care. He helped colleagues coordinate documentation of patients’ injuries and testimonies. He hoped that a record of what doctors and nurses witnessed would help write the history of the war—the true version, not the government’s.

Abiy’s administration continued to lie—to its own people and to the world. In violation of an agreement it reached in December with the UN to allow “unimpeded, sustained and secure access” for humanitarian aid, the government limited the flow of essential resources into Tigray. Leaked notes from a January meeting of the state-run Tigray Emergency Coordination Center quoted an interim government official saying that the need for food in the region was so great that “hundreds of thousands might starve to death.” The notes also described people in the town of Adwa, northwest of Mekelle, “dying while they are sleeping” from hunger. Yet on January 19, a government representative declared to the world, “There is no starvation in Ethiopia.”

Soon after, U.S. Secretary of State Anthony Blinken called on Eritrea to immediately withdraw troops from Tigray. Abiy’s government had previously denied the foreign forces’ presence and would continue to do so for several weeks. It also rejected accusations of ethnic cleansing, referring to its actions in Tigray as a “law enforcement operation” that had now concluded.

For outsiders facts were hard to ascertain. Communications in Tigray were still obstructed, and journalists were harassed, detained, and barred from the territory. It would be more than a year before international human rights groups were able to prove an organized campaign of ethnic cleansing to erase Tigrayans from their own land.* But there were at least two atrocities documented in real time, in the form of videos that wound up online.

*In 2022, Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International reported that, in the earliest weeks of the conflict, newly appointed Amharan officials in western Tigray “openly discussed such plans during public town meetings. Signs were displayed demanding that Tigrayans depart, and pamphlets distributed issuing Tigrayans a 24-hour or 72-hour ultimatum to leave or be killed.”

The first happened near the Debre Abbay monastery in central Tigray, likely in the initial week of January 2021. Footage captured at the scene shows dozens of bodies strewn on the dusty earth, apparently massacred by Ethiopian soldiers. “You should have finished off the survivors,” the person behind the camera says. Then, on January 15, federal soldiers filmed one another executing civilians in the city of Mahbere Dego and pushing their bodies from a cliff.

For many people concerned about the conflict, and even some caught in the middle of it, the videos provided the first glimpses of what was happening across Tigray. In Mekelle, residents with restored service watched in horror as mass murder unfolded on their screens, perpetrated by men in the same uniforms as the soldiers now patrolling the city’s streets.

A young survivor of a massacre at the Togoga market. (Photo by Yasuyoshi Chiba/AFP via Getty Images)

By early 2021, Mebrahtu had thrown himself into supporting Ayder’s One Stop Center, an innovative clinic that opened a year prior specializing in care for sexual assault survivors. In a small building separate from the main hospital, patients could receive physical exams, mental health counseling, and referrals to legal services without fear of being seen or stigmatized by the general population. Before the conflict erupted, the facility had seen about twenty patients per month. Now it was seeing that many every day.

Still, Mebrahtu knew that the presence of troops in Mekelle stopped many people who were in need from coming to the hospital. They were too scared, especially women who said they’d been raped by soldiers. Mebrahtu began providing physical exams in his own home and at the homes of patients. The first patient he saw in this manner, referred to him by his wife, was a deeply religious woman who would tell no one what had happened to her. When Mebrahtu performed a pelvic exam in her aunt’s house, he observed that her vulva was inflamed and laced with tears. He then pulled four used condoms from inside her vagina. He could tell there was another one too deep to remove with his hands. He went to Ayder to retrieve a speculum. After he pulled the fifth condom from the woman, he wept.

Mebrahtu left the woman with medication to help prevent pregnancy and the contraction of HIV. He wanted to see her again to record her story. What had been done to her seemed as if it went beyond grotesque sexual gratification. It signaled both hatred and a desire to humiliate. Mebrahtu was shaken.

A few days after treating the woman, he returned with a tape recorder, but she had disappeared. She showed up on Mebrahtu’s doorstep a few weeks later. She said that she was experiencing vaginal discharge and was worried that an object was still inside her. Mebrahtu examined her again and found only an infection. Because she wouldn’t go to the One Stop Center, he again brought her medication. He asked if she would tell him what happened. She agreed.

Over the course of three interviews, which Mebrahtu recorded, the woman said that she came from a small town where Ethiopian and Eritrean troops had burned crops and looted factories. To support her family, she decided to go to Mekelle, hoping to get a job as a domestic servant or selling wares on the street. On her way to the city, Ethiopian soldiers stopped her bus at a military checkpoint. The passengers were searched. The soldiers singled out six women and told them to stay. The bus left without them.

That evening, after the checkpoint was closed because of the region-wide curfew, the troops moved the women to a primary school being used as barracks. The commander told the women, seated at students’ desks, that they should cooperate. “If you do this, your life is going to be easy and you’ll be released soon,” he said. Next to him, set prominently on a school desk, was a pack of condoms.

The commander told the women that, if they agreed to have sex with his soldiers, the men would use the condoms. Afterward the women could go free. Five women took the deal, such as it was. But the woman Mebrahtu provided care to refused. She was a devout Christian. She had never had sex before.

The other women were taken away by soldiers. When the men were finished, the commander collected the condoms they’d used and laid them out on a desk in front of the sixth woman. He beat her and raped her without using protection. He then told two soldiers to hold her legs open and forced the used condoms inside her.

The woman was released the next day. Delirious and bleeding, she managed to make her way to Mekelle, where she hid herself away in shame. She ventured out to a church, hoping to be cleansed by a holy water treatment—a folk tradition—but felt no better. How could she ever return home? she asked Mebrahtu. How could she face her family, her boyfriend?

Hers was just one of numerous cases of horrific assault that staff at Ayder saw as the federal troops’ occupation of Mekelle stretched into weeks, then months. One woman arrived at the hospital with her vagina filled with wood splinters—forced there, she said, by a soldier who then put his sock inside her to hinder removal. Another woman reported that she’d been tied to a tree and raped by dozens of soldiers in front of her son, who was then killed in front of her eyes. The soldiers raped her again, she said, while forcing her to look at his corpse. Ayder treated women and girls who told him that they were assaulted in front of their parents, raped by family members whom soldiers threatened with death if they didn’t follow orders, and kept in sexual slavery, moved from location to location to service Ethiopian and Eritrean soldiers.

All this violence felt too similar to be a coincidence. To Mebrahtu, it seemed intended to break the spirit of the Tigrayan people, to destroy their culture, to prevent them from bearing future children. He began to believe that the sexual violence perpetrated in Tigray was systematic, directed from above, and genocidal.* 

*According to Article 2 of the Convention on the Prevention and Punishment of the Crime of Genocide, an international treaty, genocide refers to acts “committed with intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnical, racial, or religious group,” including “deliberately inflicting on the group conditions of life calculated to bring about its physical destruction in whole or in part” and “imposing measures intended to prevent births within the group.” 

He thought of his wife, who he’d only recently learned was pregnant with their second child, a daughter. He feared for her health. She’d needed a C-section to deliver their first, and the next birth was likely to be complicated as well. What if she couldn’t get the care she needed? What if she went into labor after curfew, only to be shot in the street on the way to Ayder? As for his unborn daughter, Mebrahtu feared for her future.

Saba treated a 16-year-old boy whose hands had been blown off by a shell fired from a military tank. He was also blinded in the attack, which killed his siblings.

It was a feeling Saba knew well. After federal troops occupied Mekelle, she was able to depart for Addis Ababa to see her family, but not without incident. When her bus was stopped at a military checkpoint, both the passengers and the driver were taken to a police station. Besides the driver, Saba was the only Tigrayan. Soon the soldiers were calling the driver a terrorist and beat him in front of the group of students, first with their fists, then with the butts of their rifles. One soldier raised his weapon to shoot the man but was stopped by another.

Saba was paralyzed with fear. A friend from medical school also on the bus took Saba by the arm and led her to the back of the group. Quietly, he told her to hide her government ID, which listed her as Tigrayan. If the soldiers asked for identification, she should show them her student card instead, since it made no mention of her ethnicity. Eventually, the bus’s passengers were allowed through the checkpoint. The driver was not. He was sent back to Tigray and the students found another ride to Addis Ababa. Saba made the rest of the trip in silence. It was the first time in her life she’d ever felt Tigrayan.

At home, Saba found her mother sick with worry and visibly aged. Saba was sure it was because she hadn’t been able to speak with her eldest daughter in weeks as she languished in a war zone. Her father, by contrast, seemed angry. “How could you leave Mekelle with what is happening?” he asked Saba, accusing her of abandoning her ancestral home. She thought, How could you not tell your children how much they hated us?

Saba’s father never spoke with her about the loyalty ceremony he’d participated in on TV. He did tell her that he helped get his best friend out of jail. The friend would later sell his assets and immigrate to the United States.

Saba, too, tried to find a way out, and sought placement in a different medical school. Nothing was available, and final exams were only months away. She made the difficult decision to return to Mekelle, hoping to finish out her education if the government allowed classes to continue. In a few months, perhaps, she could leave Tigray for good.

Though she’d only been gone a matter of weeks, Saba found Mekelle changed when she returned. Assisting staff at the hospital—taking vitals, dressing wounds—she treated a 16-year-old boy whose hands had been blown off by a shell fired from a military tank. He was also blinded in the attack, which killed his siblings.

Walking home from Ayder, Saba felt the eyes of leering soldiers on her. She heard that troops stationed at the hospital had raped two female medical students in the same bank of classrooms where she studied. Between that incident and the rape survivors being treated at the hospital, Saba believed it was only a matter of time before she, too, became a victim of sexual violence.*

*One study in the region found that nearly 30 percent of women under 50 experienced physical violence and 8 percent were raped. An NGO called Hiwyet (“healing” in the Tigrinya language) collected nearly 5,000 testimonies from rape survivors and estimated that 15 percent of them had contracted HIV as a result of their assault.

“There’s just nothing you can do about it,” she said. “If it’s going to happen, I guess it’s going to happen.”

A scene from Ayder in June 2021. (Photo by Yasuyoshi Chiba/AFP via Getty Images)

In March 2021, five months into the conflict, the Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights announced an investigation into possible humanitarian violations in Tigray. The inquiry was discredited from the beginning in the eyes of Tigrayans and some international advocates, because the OHCHR had partnered with the Ethiopian Human Rights Commission (EHRC), a federal body. It felt like allowing the fox to help investigate the chicken coop. More formally, the partnership was an example of what experts in international affairs refer to as quasi-compliance: token actions taken by governments to placate human rights concerns while circumventing serious scrutiny.

Hoping to further burnish its international image, the Ethiopian government hired Holland and Knight and the lobbying firm Venable, both based in the U.S., at a cost of more than $80,000 per month. It also leaned on international agencies to do its bidding. It compelled the World Health Organization (WHO) to redact a report, published in April 2021, about the lack of functional health facilities in Tigray.

“This episode does not stand on its own,” the Geneva-based Humanitarian Exchange and Research Center later stated in an audit of the international response to the war. “When the authorities did not agree with the data collected, humanitarian actors were instructed to use different figures and/or to use beneficiary lists that they could not verify.” As it happened, the WHO’s director general, Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, was Tigrayan. He had formerly served as Ethiopia’s national health minister. 

One voice of urgency on the international stage was Mark Lowcock, chief humanitarian officer with the United Nations. As the joint OHCHR-EHRC investigation commenced, Lowcock told the UN Security Council that time was of the essence. “To be very clear: The conflict is not over and things are not improving,” he declared in a closed-door meeting, according to Reuters. “Sexual violence is being used as a weapon of war,” he said. “Girls as young as eight are being targeted.”

In a memo for the Security Council obtained by Agence France-Presse, Lowcock described reports of mass killings and the continued presence of Eritrean troops in Tigray. He spoke of widespread hunger caused by crop destruction, looting and killing of livestock, and insufficient humanitarian aid being allowed into the region. It seemed as if the Ethiopian government were trying to starve out the Tigrayan resistance while also devastating the civilian population. Ethiopia’s ambassador to the UN responded to Lowcock’s comments by calling him “a nemesis” and insisting that there was “no gap in humanitarian access.”

By June 2021, the UN estimated that more than 90 percent of people in Tigray needed emergency food aid, yet it stopped short of calling what was happening a famine. Lowcock, who left his role that month, later claimed, “It was clear to me that there was famine in Tigray, and the only reason it wasn’t declared was because the Ethiopian authorities were quite effective in slowing down the whole declaration system.”*

*Famine declarations are typically made jointly by various United Nations agencies in coordination with the affected country’s government, and only when certain conditions are met. The process can be highly politicized—for instance, when a government is keen to avoid responsibility for the starvation of its own people.

Alongside children injured by guns and bombs, Abraha saw evidence of famine every day in Ayder’s pediatrics ward. When EHRC investigators came to the hospital, he took one member of the team to meet the recovering children. Abraha estimated that more than 80 percent of his patients had been injured by gunshots, land mines, and shelling. He introduced the investigator to children so malnourished they had bone fractures that wouldn’t heal and infections their immune systems couldn’t fight. The patients who were old enough to describe their experiences told their stories.

Abraha didn’t trust the investigators to tell the truth about what they’d seen. He found it hard to have confidence in any outside actor purporting to do the right thing in Tigray. Too many international agencies and NGOs were relying on the Ethiopian government for access and information. To Abraha, many of these bodies seemed to be in league with Abiy’s administration. He felt betrayed by the very organizations that were supposed to help people like his patients.

In a closed-door meeting, Ethiopian leaders told a European envoy “they are going to wipe out the Tigrayans for a hundred years.”

If there was cause for optimism among Tigrayans, it was that the TDF had been growing in strength and sophistication in recent months. It attacked supply lines, then vanished into the hills its soldiers knew so well. It accumulated resources and soldiers. Sensing that its position was weakening, the Ethiopian military dug trenches around Mekelle and launched fresh offensives.

Hale spent hours searching social media for news about the war. He was stunned at how little attention it was getting on the international stage. Unlike the war in Ukraine, it seemed to have barely made a dent in the public consciousness. Abiy’s information blockade was working, it seemed. But to Hale, it also felt like people around the world didn’t really care about Africans fighting Africans—not even when a European envoy announced that, in a closed-door meeting, Ethiopian leaders had told him “they are going to wipe out the Tigrayans for a hundred years.” (Abiy’s government called this claim “ludicrous,” a “hallucination of sorts.”) Hale also heard members of the government openly refer to the TPLF—and by extension all Tigrayans, according to some experts—using dehumanizing language like “weeds,” “cancer,” “rats,” and “worse than the devil.”

Amid warning signs of serious breaches of international law, the U.S. authorized limited sanctions and visa restrictions on Ethiopian government officials and members of the TPLF—but only actually issued sanctions against six Eritrean entities. The U.S. also removed Ethiopia from a trade-preference program and imposed a national ban on arms sales. Broader international sanctions—like the arms embargo imposed by the UN Security Council on Ethiopia and Eritrea in 2000—never materialized. Weapons flowed to the Ethiopian government from the UAE, Iran, Turkey, and China. Controversially, the EU would announce no sanctions at all during the war, only delaying a 90 million euro direct governmental aid package.

One rare event that did catch the attention of western journalists was a massacre in Togoga, a town 16 miles from Mekelle. On June 21, 2021, Abiy’s Prosperity Party won a landslide victory in national elections that the U.S. State Department described as “not free or fair.” (Polls were not opened in Tigray at all.) The next day, a Tuesday, was market day in Togoga. Once a week people from the surrounding areas came to sell vegetables and clothes, shine shoes, and trade animals.

The Ethiopian air force bombed the market around 11 a.m., its busiest hour, killing at least 64 people and wounding 180. Many of them were women and children. The youngest casualty was only a year old. The federal government insisted that only TDF targets had been hit.

Staff from Ayder who rushed to Togoga to offer medical aid reported being blocked from the city by federal soldiers. Two ambulances that made it to the market via a back road were later barred from returning to Mekelle with a number of the most critically injured. It took more than 24 hours for a handful of wounded, including three children, to be transported to Ayder for treatment.

Saba watched in horror as footage from Togoga appeared on social media. She saw photo after photo of bloody bodies that had been crumpled and twisted only a short drive from her apartment. She figured that if Abiy’s government would bomb a market, it would bomb anything—maybe even Ayder.

Less than a week after the Togoga attack, the TDF launched a surprise offensive to retake Mekelle. Despite fielding fewer troops, the TDF forced its opponents to retreat in a matter of hours, astonishing government officials and the international community. In a response that seemed intended to save face, Abiy’s administration declared a unilateral ceasefire.

Saba was studying at home when a friend visited to tell her the news. Scared of reprisal bombings by the government, she hid inside her apartment for two days. When she finally emerged into the streets, she witnessed jubilation. The city’s residents welcomed the TDF soldiers as heroes. There were fireworks, cheering, music and dancing. Bystanders jeered as captured federal soldiers were paraded through the city, bound for detention centers.

During the respite from fighting, Mebrahtu’s wife gave birth to a healthy daughter at Ayder. The couple named her Alina. The name sounded cosmopolitan, and they hoped it would come to represent the freedom she’d eventually have to go wherever she wanted, to be whoever she wanted. The name also had a secondary meaning. It sounds like Tigrinya for “we remove them.”

If the TDF victory was celebrated in Mekelle, many in Addis Ababa knew that it heralded retribution. In a matter of days, the Ethiopian government launched a campaign of mass arrests of Tigrayans in the capital and elsewhere in Ethiopia. People were apprehended based solely on their ethnicity. One detainee told Amnesty International that officers entered the snooker hall he owned. “They began to harass and beat customers and employees and demanded to see their identity documents, before taking five people, all ethnic Tigrayans, to the nearby … police station,” the organization reported. The man later learned that his brother had been arrested and taken to a detention facility 150 miles away.

Despite expulsion of the military, residents of Mekelle soon felt the federal government’s grip tighten around them, too. Abiy again cut off electricity, cellular and internet service, banking, and transportation to and from Tigray. Saba’s call with her family after the TDF’s victory was the last time she spoke with them for more than six months.

Salaries for public workers were also discontinued. Whatever was required of Ayder’s staff, they wouldn’t receive a cent.

Siege

The arrests in Addis Ababa continued, soon numbering in the thousands. The government made vague claims of detainees’ “support for terrorism” to justify its actions. Speaking Tigrinya was reason enough for law enforcement to arrest a person. Businesses were shut down for playing Tigrayan music. Sometimes the police went house to house looking for Tigrayans. Some people were hidden by friends. Others escaped abroad. Journalists were harassed and arrested. After Lucy Kassa reported on a gang rape in Tigray for the Los Angeles Times, unidentified men came to her house, knocked her to the floor, and ransacked her belongings.

The TDF’s triumph in Mekelle also translated into increased suffering across Tigray as the federal government escalated its obstruction of humanitarian assistance into an outright blockade. In early July, the acting UN aid chief said that “more than 400,000 people are estimated to have crossed the threshold into famine, and another 1.8 million people are on the brink of famine.” Later that month, the UN’s World Food Program (WFP) announced that it was on the verge of running out of food for its operations in the region. Still, the UN stopped short of declaring famine in Tigray. It never would.

The WFP estimated that it would need 100 trucks of aid delivered each day to “meet the vast humanitarian needs in the region.” But few trucks were getting in. At one point, some 170 were “stuck” at Tigray’s border with Afar, one of Ethiopia’s regional states. Another truck was attacked, likely by federal troops or their allies, while trying to enter Tigray. In September, the WFP reported that more than 400 trucks sent to Tigray never returned—although the cause was unclear. A government Twitter account blamed the missing trucks on the TPLF. The group denied responsibility and blamed fuel shortages and federal military harassment.

Ayder was seeing more patients than at any time in its history, so many that the hospital was overrun. Each day brought a terrible procession of pain and misery, and those seeking care sat or lay down wherever they could—in hallways, in the courtyard, outside the hospital’s doors. Without aid deliveries, and with medicine dwindling, the crisis had become catastrophic.

In a first for the hospital, doctors were forced to administer expired medications. The only other option in many cases was death. Medical tubing intended for single use was washed and utilized again. Staff had to make difficult decisions about which patients needed antibiotics, insulin, and oxygen. The hospital’s CT and MRI machines needed repairs, but the blockade made it impossible to obtain parts. Hale and the other surgeons were forced to operate on patients based solely on clinical examinations.

Hale was limited in what he could do in the face of so much suffering. He found that approximately three-quarters of the pregnant women he treated were malnourished. Some had gained no weight during pregnancy. Others had lost weight, leaving their faces sunken and their limbs skeletal. What nutrition these women were able to obtain was being siphoned off by the babies growing in their bellies, babies nonetheless born with congenital defects associated with their mothers’ starvation.

Ayder’s staff was hungry, too. “We were trained to treat patients,” Hale said. “But malnutrition came to our homes.” For the first two months of the government’s siege of Tigray, Ayder occasionally provided employees with 22 pounds of wheat and about two pints of cooking oil. Hale set aside his pride and accepted the charity. He did the same when his father brought him a sack of teff from his farm.

Once certain that the international community would step in to help Tigray, Hale’s confidence in the international order slipped away. Where were the powerful nations that spoke soaringly of human rights, that pledged “never again,” that boasted of their dedication to aiding the world? Why had no one forced Abiy to stop killing his own people?

“Having seen what I have seen happening to innocent mothers who have no agency in this war, who paid the steepest price, including losing their fertility potential, losing their kids, losing their dignity, being raped in front of their husbands,” Hale said, “the only hope we have is that God is up there.”

So many children were treated at Ayder that the head of pediatrics wondered if they were being targeted by government forces. (Photo by Yasuyoshi Chiba/AFP via Getty Images)

The TDF didn’t stop its military efforts after retaking Mekelle. Troops loyal to Abiy’s government were still occupying parts of the wider Tigray region, and soon the TDF pushed most of these forces beyond the state’s borders. Still, Tigray was surrounded and its people were starving. The TDF needed to break the siege. It plotted an offensive that would drive south toward Addis Ababa.

In mid-July, the TDF entered the Afar region. Soon it was in Amhara too, where it took Lalibela, a historic city famous for subterranean rock-hewn churches. The TDF fought toward the capital, capturing city after city along the way. Civilians suffered: Sixteen women in the Amharan town of Nifas Mewcha told Amnesty International that they were raped by TDF fighters. In the municipalities of Chenna and Kobo, the TDF killed dozens of residents. There were also reports of Tigrayan fighters looting limited food stores in some towns.

Abiy responded to the offensive by pummeling Tigray with air strikes. The bombings seemed to have little objective other than inflicting terror. Even Mekelle University was attacked. Still, at night Saba studied by flashlight as bombs fell on the city. Amid the ceaseless carnage and starvation, Ayder was desperate for more certified doctors. With the TDF firmly in control of Mekelle, Saba was able to take her final exams. Normally, grades were posted online, but with the internet gone the results were tacked up on a board in a hallway. She passed with a B average.

There would be no celebratory dinner, no handshake, no one to tell her they were proud of her. With phone service discontinued, Saba couldn’t even share the good news with her parents. To celebrate she bought herself a bag of potato chips. She considered it a luxury.

Soon after, she was offered a rare chance to leave Tigray when the government agreed to allow students to exit the region by bus. Staying would mean embarking on her medical internship without pay or even reliable access to food. It would mean psychological torment and intimate physical danger. Leaving would mean finding out what had become of her family. Assuming they were safe, she might be able to live in comparative luxury, with access to the internet, hot showers, home-cooked meals. She hadn’t even wanted to come back to Tigray in the first place.

For Saba the decision was easy. When the buses arrived at Ayder to take students away, she was there. Out of 200 or so interns, approximately 130 chose to stay. Most who left were of other ethnicities, but a few non-Tigrayans remained, knowing what lay ahead. Saba said goodbye to her friends and wished them well. When the buses departed, she was not on any of them.

Saba’s identity was changing. She was still torn between feeling Ethiopian and Tigrayan, but the balance had begun to tip toward the latter. Young Tigrayans had joined the TDF to fight on her behalf. Now she wanted to return the favor by working at Ayder, no matter the cost.

Her first rotation would be three months in internal medicine, then another three in surgery. She spent much of her time in the emergency room. The smell of festering wounds was pervasive, but Saba soon stopped noticing. Sick or injured bodies lay in every bed and chair, covered every inch of floor. Saba was forced to step over patients as she tended to others. She found people who had died waiting for treatment, their last words unheard. Some went unnoticed for so long that rigor mortis had set in. Orderlies had to break their bones to fit the corpses into body bags.

Orphaned and abandoned children became a concern. Saba treated women who reported being raped by soldiers early in the war and now needed late-term abortions. There was nothing she could do. “You cannot abort a baby at eight or nine months,” she said. “You just can’t.” When these women gave birth, some of them told Saba, “I don’t want to see this child.”

Nearly 80 percent of dialysis patients died for lack of seven-dollar parts.

Supply shortages plagued the hospital, and it became part of Abraha’s job to try and address them. He made contact with international NGOs and begged for aid. Little was forthcoming, due to the government’s blockade and poor coordination from humanitarian agencies. Financial donations from the Tigrayan diaspora were transferred to the hospital via black-market money changers. The funds were spent at private pharmacies that still had medicines in stock and on the limited amount of food being produced in the region. Prices were astronomical.

According to Abraha, some medical supplies were smuggled into Tigray by donkey. When saline became scarce, Ayder’s staff made their own using salt and boiled tap water. When bandages dwindled, the hospital asked the community for help. Many people donated traditional white shawls, which were cut into strips, sterilized, and wrapped around wounds. The hospital also asked the community for soap, detergent, and linens.

In the hospital’s dialysis unit, single-use blood filters with patients’ names written on them were used until they shattered. When no replacements could be found, longtime patients, people who’d been coming to Ayder for care for years, faced certain death. Nearly 80 percent of dialysis patients died for lack of seven-dollar parts.

Abraha tried to be strong for his mother, who came to stay with him in Mekelle. Addled by trauma, she repeated the same stories over and over, including how her husband had gone out the door one day and never come back. Only after the TDF had made its advances was Abraha able to travel to his home village for a single day to pay his respects.

Abraha kept himself going with the same encouragement he gave his staff. As a pediatrician, he told them, he observed children suffering from crushing disabilities. But he also saw those children learn to read braille, communicate with sign language, walk on prosthetic limbs. If they could survive and thrive, so could the Tigrayan people, even in the face of what increasingly felt like genocide.

In September, Daniel Kibret, a close adviser to Abiy, called for Tigrayans to “be erased and disappeared from historical records. A person who wants to study them should find nothing about them. Maybe he can find out about them by digging in the ground.” When the U.S. State Department and international human rights advocates condemned Kibret’s comments, he claimed that he was referring to the TPLF, not all Tigrayans. The following month, a journalist with Ethiopian Satellite Television declared, “It is necessary to intern everyone of Tigrayan descent, even if they have no connection with TPLF.” 

Other Ethiopians took to social media to encourage violence against Tigrayans.

“Do it even if it grieves you!!!!! You will not be any crueler than they are!!!!”

“Time to clean up trash!”

“No mercy!”

“Senior officials obfuscated and lied, and tried to omit any mention of rape by the government and Eritrean forces from the official investigation,” Fislan wrote in The Guardian.

Like his colleagues, Mebrahtu suffered under the blockade. Without a paycheck, he fell from a middle-class lifestyle into abject poverty. He lost 30 pounds. His sister-in-law, who worked for a humanitarian agency in Tigray, sent him what money she could. It went straight to necessities. Mebrahtu’s wife begged him to get another job, one where he would be paid, but he couldn’t abandon people in need. “I would be a person who is in a cage,” he said.

Mebrahtu continued to focus on caring for victims of sexual violence. Now that Ethiopian and Eritrean troops had been pushed back, even more women were seeking care. The One Stop Center saw between 50 and 60 patients per day, a 9,000 percent increase from before the war. Under the direction of the Tigray Region Health Bureau, Mebrahtu reviewed the techniques used by the center to ensure that they conformed to international standards. Then he led a team that traveled around Tigray setting up service centers to offer medical and psychological care to survivors not able to make it to Ayder. He trained dozens of clinicians and volunteers.

The impact of sexual violence wasn’t going unnoticed, even at the highest levels of the government. In response to international concern, Abiy’s government claimed that more than 50 soldiers had been tried for extrajudicial killings, rape, and other atrocities in Tigray. But the world had to take his word for it. The trials were held in a military court, and records of the proceedings were never made public. There are conflicting reports about whether the soldiers were convicted or sentenced.

On the public front, the government charged Filsan Abdi, the country’s minister for women, children, and youth, with investigating sexual violence and the use of child soldiers in the conflict. According to Filsan, when she submitted her report, it was censored. She was instructed to state that only TPLF-aligned fighters had committed crimes. In September 2021, Filsan resigned from her post and fled the country. “Senior officials obfuscated and lied, and tried to omit any mention of rape by the government and Eritrean forces from the official investigation,” Filsan wrote in The Guardian. “The government focused on propaganda at the expense of genuinely pursuing justice.”

Around the time of Filsan’s resignation, Abiy deported seven UN staffers for allegedly “meddling in the internal affairs of the country.” According to the Humanitarian Exchange and Research Center, many of them “were known for their advocacy for a principled approach” to their work. At least one had been involved in the joint OHCHR-EHRC report, which was finally released on November 3.

The report’s authors noted limitations—for instance, they hadn’t been able to visit every area of Tigray affected by the conflict—and said that further investigation was necessary. They described atrocities committed by armed forces of all allegiances, but said that they “could not confirm deliberate or willful denial of humanitarian assistance to the civilian population or the use of starvation as a weapon of war” by Abiy’s government. Nor did they come to any conclusion about ethnic cleansing.

To anyone paying attention, both the blockade and ethnic cleansing were as obvious as the sun in the sky. The TPLF outright rejected the report. Human Rights Watch criticized it for failing to “give well-documented trends the attention they deserve,” such as “the scale of abuses, including sexual slavery, by Ethiopian, Eritrean, and Amhara forces targeting Tigrayan women and girls.” The organization also claimed that the report “glosses over the deliberate and extensive destruction and pillaging of health infrastructure, and the intimidation and killing of humanitarian workers.”

Soon after the report’s release, the United Nations mandated another inquiry into the war: the International Commission of Human Rights Experts on Ethiopia, or ICHREE, made up of experts under the supervision of the UN’s Human Rights Council. There would be no partnership with the Ethiopian government this time, and the new investigation was designed to give a truly independent account of the conflict. In response, Abiy’s administration refused to cooperate, attempted to block the inquiry’s funding, and barred investigators from entering Tigray. Notwithstanding its own call for additional research into the conflict, the EHRC issued a statement opposing the committee.

Meanwhile, the TDF fought to within a couple hundred miles of Addis Ababa, sending panic through the city. The government declared a nationwide state of emergency. Citizens were told to march “with any weapon and resources they have to defend, repulse, and bury the terrorist TPLF.” State media reported that Abiy himself would visit the front lines. The U.S. ordered all its nationals to leave on November 5. Other nations soon followed.

In the end, the TDF was unable to reach the capital. On the plains outside Addis Ababa, Tigrayan forces were devastated by drones supplied from abroad. With no answer to the Ethiopian military’s air power, they were forced to retreat. By late December, Ethiopian forces and their allies had driven the TDF back within the borders of Tigray. The TDF would attempt another offensive again in January 2022 but was unable to advance beyond the region.

The offensive was over, and the war was at a stalemate. Though the TDF still controlled much of Tigray, including Mekelle, Amharan forces held areas to the west, and Eritrean troops occupied points along the northern border. Abiy’s administration continued to pound and starve Tigrayans into submission—or as Kibret, the government adviser, put it in another speech, to “wipe … out” the “disease” of rebellion.

By the end of 2021, Ethiopia had set a world record for the most people internally displaced in a country in a single year: 5.1 million.* Hundreds of people were dying from hunger in Tigray every day.

*According to a report by the Internal Displacement Monitoring Center, “The conflict in the North accounted for the vast majority of the internal displacements recorded in Ethiopia in 2021.… Across the country as a whole, around 3.6 million people were living in displacement as a result of conflict and violence at the end of the year, including 1.7 million children without access to education.”

International agencies that previously seemed to acquiesce to the Ethiopian government’s narratives about the war began to speak more frankly about its horrors. “Even in the toughest periods of conflict in Syria, South Sudan, Yemen, and others, WHO and partners have had access to save lives,” World Health Organization director general Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus said at a press conference in January 2022. “However, in Tigray, the de facto blockade is preventing access to humanitarian supplies, which is killing people.” In response, the Ethiopian government accused Tedros of having ties to Tigrayan rebels and tried to thwart his reelection to a second term as head of the WHO.

It was risky to move around the region—in January, a government air strike on a Tigrayan IDP camp killed more than 50 people. Yet Mebrahtu continued to do so, hoping to help as many sexual assault survivors as possible. One day, as he was riding in an SUV about 18 miles from Mekelle, he heard the unmistakable scream of a missile overhead. He was on a trip to establish a women’s health center, traveling in a clearly marked humanitarian vehicle—an image of Kalashnikovs overlaid by a red circle and a slash adorned the sides and roof, large enough to be seen from the sky. As he and his colleagues approached a checkpoint, the missile slammed into a truck transporting grain ahead of them.

Mebrahtu and his colleagues bolted from the SUV, the doors left open in their haste to flee. Looking up as he ran, Mebrahtu tried to spot the drone that fired the missile but saw nothing. He ran until his lungs burned. When he could run no farther, he sat atop a nearby hill and waited for more bombs to hit the road below. With its wide-open doors, the SUV looked like a dead bird, wings outstretched.

Additional strikes never came. After half an hour, Mebrahtu made his way back to the vehicle, where his colleagues were waiting. As they sped away from the scene, they got a good look at the truck ahead of them. It had been split in half from front to back, as if it were no stronger than a sheet of paper.

Medical staff attend to a patient at Ayder in June 2021. (Photo by Yasuyoshi Chiba/AFP via Getty Images)

As the siege ground on, Ayder teetered on the brink of collapse. “Signing death certificates has become our primary job,” hospital representatives told a group of NGOs in January 2022. Starvation was endemic.

By then Saba was nearing the end of her second rotation, in surgery. After a breakfast of injera and lentils fortified with cabbage or potatoes, she worked 36-hour shifts without eating again. She lost so much weight it affected her menstruation, and she decided to take birth-control pills to halt her monthly cycle, since it was cheaper than buying pads and tampons. She fainted more than once while working—a common occurrence among Ayder’s staff.

When Saba helped triage new patients, who often arrived by the truckload, the first task was separating the living from the dead. She took photos of wounds to show more-senior medical staff. Sometimes the injuries were filled with maggots. Doctors often left the larvae to clean wounds the hospital didn’t have supplies to treat.

One day a colleague asked Saba to help place a urinary catheter. The patient was a teenage girl in a yellow dress caked with dried blood and stool. The hospital didn’t know her name, as she’d arrived unconscious and carried no identification. She had a head injury, the result of being hit in the eye with a bullet or shrapnel. Saba couldn’t see an exit wound. The only stimulus the young woman responded to was pain.

Saba inserted the catheter. “But it was all pointless,” she said. Saba knew the girl in the yellow dress would die. Saba never saw her again, except when she appeared in Saba’s nightmares.

Those nightmares grew worse during her next rotation, pediatrics. Saba felt more helpless than ever watching children suffer and die for lack of supplies. One afternoon a father came in with an 11-month-old boy so malnourished he weighed no more than an infant. His mother had died in childbirth, and the boy suffered from hydrocephalus, a condition where spinal fluid accumulates in the ventricles of the brain, causing the head to swell. Contributing factors can include malnutrition and vitamin deficiency during pregnancy. The little boy’s stare was fixed downward, a condition called “sunset eyes,” which often occurs in cases of hydrocephalus. Saba knew that the child could have serious neurological damage.

The father had traveled a long distance for help, and arriving at Ayder gave him a boost of hope. Treating hydrocephalus requires the insertion of a shunt into the cranial cavity, allowing the fluid to drain. These shunts, small pieces of plastic, cost only a few dollars. They are mass-produced and readily available around the world. The surgery to place them is routine. But there were no shunts left at Ayder. There were none left in all of Tigray. Saba wished that the father hadn’t been so hopeful.

Along with a resident doctor, Saba told the father that there was nothing they could do. He had two options. He could stay at Ayder, where the staff would make his son as comfortable as possible, but he would have to find his own food. Or he could go home. The child would die either way. The father chose to stay.

The last time Saba saw the little boy was that evening. It was February, and so cold that she wore a jacket under her white coat while making rounds. The father wasn’t with the boy—he’d gone looking for milk. The baby was covered in a single bedsheet soaked in urine. When Saba touched him, he felt like ice. She looked for something clean to wrap him in, eventually finding a bedsheet another patient used for a pillow. She picked up the baby, cleaned him, and swaddled him in the sheet. When his father returned, he wept with gratitude. The boy died soon after.

The father and his young son began appearing in Saba’s dreams alongside the girl in the yellow dress. They visited her almost every night.

As the peace talks dragged on, Ayder’s ability to provide care diminished even further. At the end of May, it was forced to close its doors to everything but trauma cases.

Around the time Saba began her pediatrics rotation, Hale and other colleagues began to document the toll the siege had taken on medical professionals for a study they planned to submit to international medical journals. The team surveyed a cross-section of Ayder’s staff—senior physicians, residents, interns, nurses, and midwives—and made sure to include both men and women, married and single. They knew that personal factors could, as they wrote, “influence how individuals experience and cope with the stressors of war and siege.”

The findings were stark. One-third of the hospital’s interns had departed. Eight nurses left the emergency department, which “resulted in significant compromise on the service delivery,” according to one staff member. Providers described insomnia and sensitivity to loud sounds—their nervous systems reacting instinctively to possible explosions—and feelings of inadequacy, grief, and anguish. A nurse said that those able to bring food to work shared it with their colleagues. One day a staff member refused to eat what was offered. According to the nurse, “She said, ‘My kids were asking me to buy them bread in the morning. I did not buy them because I had no money to do so. I left my kids with nothing to eat at home. I left them for God to take care of them. I came here to work. How do you think I can eat?’ ”

In March 2022, as the team compiled their findings into a formal report, the TPLF and the government agreed to a humanitarian truce and the commencement of peace talks. Both sides, it seemed, were becoming war-weary. Nevertheless, the federal blockade of Tigray remained devastating. For its part, the TPLF desperately tried to shore up civilian reserves in case fighting began again. It resorted to widespread conscription, in some cases drafting Tigrayans as young as 17. It also jailed individuals for leaving the TDF.

On April 1, Abiy’s administration allowed a handful of aid trucks to enter Tigray, but it was a drop in an ocean of need, another gesture of quasi-compliance aimed at placating international observers.* As the peace talks dragged on, Ayder’s ability to provide care diminished even further. At the end of May, it was forced to close its doors to everything but trauma cases. Mebrahtu kept doing what he could to support the women of Tigray. Hale performed emergency surgeries while continuing to study the costs of war.

*A few weeks later, reports surfaced that Abiy planned to build himself a new palace complex at a cost of $1 billion, a signal of his government’s priorities. The budget would eventually grow tenfold. 

Saba completed her internship that summer. She was then instructed to volunteer at whatever health centers were still operating in the region. Transportation was nearly impossible. Her only choice was to catch a ride in an ambulance when she could, which wasn’t often—only 11.5 percent of ambulances in Tigray remained functional just six months into the war. Most days Saba was stuck at home.

Saba finally got news of her grandfather who lived near the border in the north. When Eritrean soldiers arrived at his home, he told them that he, too, would have joined the TDF if he weren’t an old man. The soldiers responded by beating him. One of them told him to turn and fall to his knees so they could execute him. Saba’s grandfather told the soldier that if he was going to shoot him, he’d have to look him in the eye. Instead, the soldiers took his valuables and left. Saba wasn’t sure how badly he’d been hurt.

Her PTSD was getting worse. Even when she had access to food, she found that she wasn’t hungry. She grew bitter that she had ever believed—that her parents let her believe—in the promise of Ethiopia. For a while, she told herself that the siege wouldn’t last more than another month, that it couldn’t. But it always did. At some point, she accepted that she would likely never see her family again.

Abraha was promoted in June. As associate clinical director, Abraha helped lead the hospital at large and responded to patient concerns. People pleaded with Abraha for antibiotics, chemotherapy, a meal. For those he couldn’t help, he tried at least to bear witness to their pain. One woman who came to him had lost 19 members of her family in the war. Abraha always prided himself on keeping his composure at work, but sometimes it felt like his tears were all he had to give. He cried at home in the evenings too, his face in his hands.

At the end of the summer, peace talks broke down. Deadly violence resumed across Tigray. Tens of thousands of people, perhaps more, were killed or starved to death. Both sides fought less for tactical position than for advantage at the bargaining table. In October, when a peace agreement again seemed within reach, Eritrean forces slaughtered hundreds of civilians in at least ten villages.

On November 2, 2022, some 16 months after the siege began, the TPLF and the Ethiopian government finally signed a cessation-of-hostilities agreement. The agreement went into effect the next day, exactly two years after the war began. The mood in Tigray was more skeptical than celebratory. People were too tired, too sick, too traumatized for jubilation.

Eleven days later, Ayder welcomed the first aid truck to reach the hospital in more than a year.

Aftermath

Saba and a friend walked to what’s known locally as a “film house,” a shop that bought pirated content from NGO staffers who had internet connections. Saba paid for a PDF of the peace agreement. The pair returned to Saba’s apartment and read the document again and again. The text pledged an end to air strikes and the laying of land mines, and for a cessation of “hostile propaganda, rhetoric, and hate speech.” It condemned sexual violence and stipulated that humanitarian aid should reach those in need.

But Saba and her friend were furious. According to the agreement, the federal government would control Tigray, and both the TPLF and the TDF had to disarm. To Saba this felt like her people’s only real defenses were being stripped away. What if violence continued? Who would protect her and other Tigrayans? Neither Eritrea nor any regional or ethnic militia aligned with Abiy’s administration was party to the agreement. Both sides agreed not to use “proxies” or “any external force” to destabilize Tigray, but Saba didn’t trust the government to adhere to this. She didn’t trust the government at all.

At Ayder, where staff began the painstaking process of restoring services, there was much talk of the peace agreement. The committee of experts appointed by the UN Human Rights Council in 2021 had recently released its first report on Tigray, confirming what so many civilians already knew—the extent of the killing, raping, and pillaging perpetrated by Ethiopian forces and their allies. It found “reasonable grounds to believe that, in several instances, these violations amounted to war crimes and crimes against humanity.”

Would the government, which had lied to the world so persistently throughout the war, really be so quick to turn off the tap of its own brutality, much less bow to accountability for its actions? That Abiy’s administration initially attempted to block the Human Rights Council’s inquiry, and later refused access to any part of the country outside Addis Ababa, wasn’t encouraging.

Abraha was promoted again, to chief clinical director of the hospital. Aid arrived, but only a trickle. The hospital was short on everything essential, including bandages, medications, oxygen, and surgical gloves. Federal funding resumed, allowing Ayder to pay staff,* but the hospital’s budget was less than 50 percent of what it had been before the war. Ayder’s situation matched regional trends. In mid-2023, a WHO study found that of 853 health facilities researchers were able to assess, close to 90 percent had suffered damage during the war—from attacks, looting, or both. Even those partially functioning reported a lack of supplies and finances.

*As of January 2025, health care professionals at Ayder and other federal employees in Tigray are still petitioning the government for the 18 months of back pay they were denied during the siege.

Health facilities weren’t the war’s only structural casualties. Tigray’s economy was in shambles, many of its principal industries looted or destroyed. The school system was particularly devastated. A study from the Tigray Education Bureau found that almost 90 percent of schools were damaged just two months into the war. Many buildings had been repurposed for displaced people, nearly a million of whom had yet to return home, either because they lacked the resources or because Eritrean soldiers and ethnic militias still posed a threat. Unexploded ordnance remained an urgent risk to children. At Ayder, Abraha continued to care for some of the war’s youngest victims. “All wars are fought against children,” he said.

Mebrahtu felt the same about women and girls. After the siege ended, he was able to resume his nursing instruction, including classes on reproductive health and obstetrics. He became an official adviser to the Tigray Regional Health Bureau on gender-based prevention and response. (He continues to help coordinate One Stop Centers across the region.) He also suffered from nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts. He sometimes had anxiety attacks and heart palpitations. For a while he was able to see a therapist, but that only helped so much.* 

*Refugees International estimated that there are only eight psychologists in Tigray, or about one for every million people. 

Hale kept working at the hospital, but like many other physicians, he also opened a private practice. He knew that he could never again rely solely on income from the government. The team he’d worked with to document the war’s impact on Ayder and its staff struggled to find a home for their studies. Only when they attached Western coauthors to them did medical journals pay attention.

Hale was sure that there would be another conflict, and he stopped planning for the future as he once did. “You cannot even build something thinking that tomorrow war will happen,” he said. “It’s the same for your dreams as well. You cannot dream, feeling that war will come and destroy it.”

“Abiy’s strategy with the Europeans was essentially bribery,” De Waal said.

War did come, if not for Tigray. By the spring of 2023, an ongoing separatist movement in Ethiopia’s Oromia region to the south had intensified. In Amhara, regional forces and ethnic militias turned on the federal government and launched into open rebellion when Abiy’s administration instructed them to disarm. The conflict widened and would be marked by atrocities similar to those in the Tigray war.

For the time being, guns remained silent in most of Tigray, yet peace was incomplete. According to a report coauthored by Physicians for Human Rights and the Organization for Justice and Accountability in the Horn of Africa, in the six months after the peace agreement was signed, “reports of human rights violations [continued] … including campaigns of ethnic cleansing in western Tigray and continuing cases of sexual violence committed by Eritrean forces.” The TPLF never gave up its arms. Food aid remained limited, not least because federal officials were stealing it for the military or to sell for profit. The problem became so bad that in May 2023, USAID halted all food deliveries to Ethiopia. The WFP followed suit in June.

Still, the international community signaled a desire to normalize relations with Ethiopia. In June, with food aid suspended, President Biden’s administration told Congress that Abiy’s government was no longer exhibiting a “pattern of gross violations of human rights.” The African Union never completed a promised investigation of the war in Tigray. The commission established to conduct the inquiry was quietly disbanded over the summer of 2023.

Most startling, though, was what transpired at the UN. In September and October, the committee of experts appointed by the Human Rights Council to investigate the war in Tigray released two more reports. “The conflict … still not resolved in any comprehensive peace, continues to produce misery,” the first report stated. Responsibility for this, it went on, lay with Abiy’s administration. “The Government of Ethiopia has failed to effectively investigate violations,” the committee found, “and has initiated a flawed transitional justice consultation process. Ethiopia has sought to evade international scrutiny through the creation of domestic mechanisms ostensibly to fight impunity.” The committee noted “past and current abuses … demand further investigation.” This has yet to happen.

Two weeks after the second report’s release, the committee’s mandate expired after no member of the Human Rights Council sponsored its renewal. This was not a bureaucratic oversight. Earlier in 2023, Ethiopia had signaled that it intended to introduce a resolution to terminate the committee’s work. At the time, 63 human rights organizations, including Amnesty International and HRW, wrote an open letter to the UN stating that the government’s actions risked setting “a dangerous precedent regarding international scrutiny and impunity for rights abuses elsewhere.”

Ethiopia never introduced its resolution, but according to sources with knowledge of the matter, this was only because European Union member states agreed to let Ethiopia propose its own investigative mechanism as a replacement for the committee of experts. Once again the UN had placed Ethiopia in charge of prosecuting its own crimes,* effectively killing international scrutiny. Philippe Dam, Human Rights Watch’s EU director, noted that this was likely the first time Europe had led an effort to “bury [a] key UN inquiry.”

*In April of 2024, the Ethiopian Council of Ministers approved a special prosecutor to investigate serious crimes within the country since 1995, including the Tigray war. The process has been described as a “farce” and widely criticized by human rights groups. 

How to explain EU member states’ decision? Alex De Waal, executive director of the World Peace Foundation at Tufts University and one of the world’s foremost experts on the Horn of Africa, said that part of it was due to weak UN leadership, but also that Abiy had dangled carrots in front of European leaders in the form of investment opportunities. Ethiopia planned to privatize portions of its economy, paving the way for foreign players to benefit from future growth.

“Abiy’s strategy with the Europeans was essentially bribery,” De Waal said. “He basically said, ‘We have these big privatizations coming up, especially telecom, and you’ll get a slice of it.’ The French and Italians in particular were salivating at that prospect.”*

*In the fall of 2024, Abiy’s government began the process of privatizing roughly half of Ethio Telecom, which holds a near monopoly on the country’s internet and telecommunications services. 

Just prior to the UN committee’s mandate expiring, the EU and Ethiopia inked a deal to renew the development package frozen during the war, now worth 650 million euros. “This strategic partnership is now back on track,” Abiy said. A few months later, in January 2024, Abiy was given the UN Food and Agriculture Organization’s highest award for contributions to rural and economic development.

Around the same time, Abraha led an effort to gather data on persistent hunger in Tigray. The preliminary findings were clear. “In every corner of Tigray,” Abraha said in the summer of 2024, “there are pockets of starvation.”

A doctor attends to Alem, 29, and her two-month-old son, Leul, who suffered from severe malnutrition, in February 2024. (Photo by Ed Ram/Getty Images)

As with many conflicts, the precise number of deaths from the war in Tigray may never be known. But experts estimate that it claimed the lives of some 600,000 civilians, possibly many more. That figure isn’t far off from the death toll of the Rwanda genocide, in which 800,000 people were slaughtered. “I used to think the world learned a lot of things from Rwanda,” Mebrahtu said. “But they failed in Tigray.”

While all factions in the conflict have committed war crimes, the scale of these atrocities differs considerably. Only one side of the war can be credibly accused of genocide. In Abraha’s mind, there’s no question about what happened in his homeland. “This is a genocide by intention and commission,” he said. Helping to heal survivors will never be enough for him. To process the tragedies he witnessed, as well as his family’s own losses, he wants an impartial investigation, due process, justice.

A growing number of international observers are also calling for accountability for what they see as a probable genocide. That would likely require judicial proceedings at the global level. Ethiopia is not party to the Rome Statute, which governs the International Criminal Court. For the ICC to open a case against Abiy or members of his government, the UN Security Council would have to authorize it. Ethiopia is subject to the jurisdiction of the International Court of Justice (ICJ) for various crimes, including genocide, but another sovereign nation must bring the suit. There is no indication that anyone with the authority to do so is keen to take Ethiopia or its leadership to either court.* Despite overseeing one of this century’s bloodiest conflicts—and several well-documented atrocities that may amount to genocide—Abiy managed to keep the international order largely on his side.

*The ICC prosecutes individuals, hence the recent arrest warrant issued for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu for, among other charges, using starvation as a weapon of war. The ICJ, by contrast, allows UN member states to sue one another. In December of 2023, for example, South Africa alleged before the court that Israel’s conduct in the Gaza Strip amounted to genocide. The case is pending.

This has left many Tigrayans feeling abandoned. “Unless you have power,” Mebrahtu said, “being human or truthful is nothing in this world.” Several sources interviewed for this story said they were “jealous” of the attention the Palestinian cause received since Israel began its assault on Gaza in October 2023.

Hale, once a believer in the promise of global governance, fears that the legacy of the war in Tigray will be one of inaction and impunity. “Dictators have taken a lesson from Ethiopia—that you can kill your own people, you can exterminate,” he said. “You can do ethnic cleansing, and then you can escape.”

“You Tigrayans are all disgusting,” the driver seethed. Saba turned and walked away as the man spat insults. She was no longer surprised by this kind of abuse.

The month after the peace agreement was signed, Saba was able to return to Addis Ababa and see her family. They had returned to the capital from Dubai, where they fled during the mass arrests in 2021. Her sister purchased her a ticket home, and Saba was on the second plane out of Mekelle following the end of the siege.

When she arrived at the Addis Ababa airport, a taxi driver asked Saba if she wanted a ride. Her father was picking her up, so she said no. “You Tigrayans are all disgusting,” the driver seethed. Saba turned and walked away as the man spat insults. She was no longer surprised by this kind of abuse.

At home her mother cooked a feast, including doro wat, Saba’s favorite dish. After more than a year of starvation, she was shocked to see so much food on the table. She found that she could eat very little of it. Her body wasn’t used to so much nourishment, and she felt disgusted to have so much while others had so little. Her father asked why she was so thin—she had lost almost 35 pounds from a five-foot-three-inch frame—and she realized that her own family had little idea what she’d been through.

Saba was finally able to speak with her grandfather in northern Tigray. He now walked with a limp because of the beating he’d sustained from the soldiers. When Saba asked him if he felt resentment, he told her that he was “too old for hatred.”

Saba still sees the girl in the yellow dress and the little boy and his father in her dreams. She briefly went to a therapist but stopped when she could no longer afford it. Asking her parents for help wasn’t an option. “They don’t believe in mental health care,” she said. Saba no longer enjoys her hobbies from before the war. She doesn’t read much or listen to music. When she’s not working, she watches trashy TV, not caring about what happens on screen. Her menstrual cycle still hasn’t returned to normal.

Saba is no longer a practicing doctor. She says that she doesn’t have the “mental capacity” for it after laboring in conditions so heinous that she was forced to leave patients to die. She’s now studying public health at a university in the U.S. and hopes to find “office work.” She wants to return to Tigray one day, to help rebuild the medical system. But not now, not yet. She feels too broken.

After dinner on her first night home, Saba went upstairs to her childhood bedroom. On a shelf were books by J. K. Rowling and Sally Rooney, exactly where she’d left them. Her bed looked the same as she remembered, and when she lay down, sleep came fast. The next morning she decided to go through some of her childhood things. As she looked at old clothes that now swallowed her withered frame, her composure shattered. On the floor of her room, she wept for the life she no longer had. For the child she used to be. For the woman she’d become.

Saba felt that the person who’d once worn the clothes piled around her had been lost in Tigray, had died alongside so many others. She missed that person. She was a good person.

Additional research by David Moulton and Tewelde G.

Originally, this story used a pseudonym for Hale Teka. Several months after publication, Hale requested that he be identified alongside his colleagues. The story has been updated to include his full name.


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The After Dark Bandit

The Atavist Magazine, No. 158


Andrew Dubbins is the author of Into Enemy Waters: A World War II Story of the Demolition Divers Who Became the Navy Seals. His writing has appeared in The Daily Beast, Los Angeles Magazine, Alta, and Slate, among other publications. He lives in Los Angeles.

Editor: Jonah Ogles
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Alison Van Houten
Illustrator: Darya Shnykina

Published in December 2024.


The Manhunt

The light was giving way to darkness as detective Patrick Brear arrived at the CBC Bank in Heathcote, an old gold-mining town in southern Australia nestled between mountains and surrounded by dense forest. The quaint two-story redbrick building had been the scene of a crime. Earlier that afternoon, on April 27, 1979, a bank robber shot Ray Koch, a beloved veteran of the local police force. Two bullets ripped holes in Koch’s stomach and intestines, forcing surgeons to remove his spleen. He lost a dangerous amount of blood, and nobody was sure if “Kochy,” as he was affectionately known, would make it.

Brear, who worked for the state of Victoria’s Armed Robbery Squad, passed through the swarm of blue-uniformed police officers collecting evidence, then had a look at the bank’s CCTV footage.  It showed the thief running into the bank carrying a Browning pistol and wearing a black leather jacket, black gloves, and a mask bearing the face of an old man. Brear thought he knew who the perpetrator was: the After Dark Bandit.

The bandit was the state’s most wanted man, suspected in two dozen armed robberies. Brear and his partner, detective John Beever, had been hunting him for over a year. They knew his MO well. He liked to hit rural targets just before they closed for the day, then escape into the bush under cover of darkness. The timing of many of his crimes was the inspiration for his nickname.

Though it pained Beever and Brear to admit it, there was something different about this criminal, almost superhuman. He was known to pull off two robberies within a half-hour of each other, in towns that were more than a dozen miles apart. Newspaper reporters theorized that he must be driving a very fast car. Brear and Beever had attempted to reenact one of the back-to-back jobs, but they couldn’t make it from one location to the other in time.

Just as unusual were the bandit’s mood swings. According to witnesses, he could be cheeky and chatty on one job, menacing and severe on the next. Early in his career, the After Dark Bandit had been cautious and deliberate, taking small sums from off-track betting storefronts, known as TAB agencies. But in recent months he’d grown bolder, emptying banks, sometimes in broad daylight. So audacious was the bandit that he’d robbed the CBC branch in Heathcote twice in the previous nine months. As he entered the bank on the third occasion, on April 27, the ledger keeper recognized him; she could be seen in security footage standing arms akimbo like a peeved schoolmarm. The bandit had stolen her orange Datsun to use as his getaway vehicle the last time he was there. He took it again this time, after shooting Koch and packing up the money he’d come for.

The bandit ditched the Datsun at the edge of town and was then seen speeding on a motorcycle into a forested area outside Heathcote. Law enforcement descended on the spot from far and wide; they came from various branches of the state’s police force, including an elite SWAT team and a dog squad. A police helicopter and two fixed-wing aircraft led an aerial search. Police on motorbikes were tasked with covering the dense, rugged terrain of the forest, where thickets of eucalyptus and pine covered abandoned goldfields. “We are very hopeful that he is in the area and we will get him,” a detective told journalists. “He has used a firearm, and we must treat him as very dangerous.”

The following morning, senior constable Rick Hasty was cruising in his police van through the city of Bendigo, 40 minutes northwest of Heathcote. Hasty was a friend of Koch’s and had just visited the wounded cop’s wife. He would have preferred to be helping with the manhunt, but was ordered to remain on duty in Bendigo, part of a skeleton crew of officers keeping an eye on the place. Nobody expected the robber to turn up there, since doing so would require snaking his way through the nearly 200 officers searching for him, a maneuver considered too bold even for the After Dark Bandit.

While sitting in traffic, Hasty spotted a man walking with a blue suitcase and sporting a red Zapata mustache. Hasty didn’t have any particular reason to suspect that this was the man his colleagues were looking for, but he had a feeling. “I just knew it was him,” Hasty told me. He watched the man cross the road and enter a dead-end alley. He parked his van and got out. As he walked into the alley, the man came toward him.

“What’s your name?” Hasty asked.

“Peter Morgan,” the man replied. “Why?”

“Because I run this fucking town and I want to know who’s in it.”

Hasty wasn’t carrying a gun, nor did he see any lumps in Morgan’s pockets suggesting a weapon. He felt confident that he could take the man if needed. Tough and fit, Hasty competed as a professional cyclist and had been a farmer before a drought pushed him onto the police force to make ends meet.

“Where you going?” Hasty asked.

“Going to Melbourne to watch footy.”

“What’s in the case?”

“Oh, it’s only knickknacks.”

“Can I have a look?”

“Sure.”

Hasty knelt down, opened the suitcase, and rifled through it. There was a can of Coca-Cola, a newspaper, and—inside a drawstring sack—a sawed-off shotgun, stacks of money, and a mask that looked like an old man’s face. Hasty turned to Morgan, who now had a Browning pistol aimed at him.

It’s a toy, Hasty thought. Then: No, it’s death.

Morgan shoved his pistol into Hasty’s stomach, and the two men wrestled in silence. Morgan pulled the trigger twice, but there wasn’t a bullet in the chamber. Hasty forced his adversary’s gun hand upward and the pistol fell. (Later he would claim that he pried the gun away, and Morgan that he dropped it in surrender.) Hasty then pushed Morgan up against the wall and grabbed him by the throat.

“You’ve got me,” Morgan said. “I just made you a hero.”

“If you fucking move,” Hasty replied, “I’ll kill you as you stand there.”

Later that day, police detectives arrived at Peter Morgan’s farm in Nyora, a small railroad town in the rolling hills of southern Victoria, about 140 miles from Heathcote. While searching the property where Morgan lived with his wife and son, law enforcement found two Valiant automobiles, a motorbike, cans of black spray paint, a flashlight, a compass, a sleeping bag, and a variety of guns. They also found a beanie and a striped brown jumper—articles the After Dark Bandit was known to have worn during robberies.

According to Brear, the most shocking piece of evidence was a black-and-white photograph. It showed Morgan in a posh restaurant, smiling while seated beside another man. The two had matching shirts, matching mustaches, matching sideburns, and matching faces.

Finally, it was clear to police how the bandit had managed to be in two places at once: Peter had an identical twin brother.  

Detective Brear called his partner, Beever, and told him that the robber they’d been chasing wasn’t one man but two. “Bullshit,” Beever answered. But it was true. And it meant that the After Dark Bandit—or the other half of him—was still at large.

The Inheritance

Understanding the Morgan twins’ crime spree requires understanding their father. On December 15, 1949, a 19-year-old Kay Morgan carried a briefcase into the Commercial Bank in Eltham, a suburb of Melbourne known for its natural surroundings. Wearing a dark blue suit, gray felt hat, and sunglasses, the nervous teenager presented himself as a customer looking to open a new account, then drew a Browning pistol, according to newspaper reports. “The game is on!” he shouted. “I’ll take the lot!”

The teller opened the money drawer. “Here it is,” he said, tauntingly. “Come and get it.” Then the teller and the bank manager pulled pistols of their own from their pockets.

Kay fired a shot that went straight through the counter and between the teller’s legs, then another into the ceiling as he hurried from the bank. He ran to his getaway vehicle, a stolen gray Singer sports car parked across the street. The teller and the bank manager chased after him, firing 15 shots at the fleeing car and hitting it numerous times. Speeding out of Eltham, Kay crashed into an embankment a half-mile down the road, then escaped on foot into the bush.

Following a large manhunt, police captured Kay, acting on a tip from one of his friends. “I am pleased you have caught me,” Kay told them, according to a newspaper report. “I will tell you everything.” He confessed to the failed robbery, admitting that he had attempted it to repay a loan to his father, a prominent real estate developer. (His father refused to pay Kay’s bail.)

Kay served nearly three years behind bars, then moved to the countryside and married a childhood friend named Beryl. On October 30, 1953, they had identical twins, Peter and Doug. The family relocated to Melbourne, where Kay thrived as a property developer, until a credit squeeze in the 1960s bankrupted him. To stay afloat, Kay may have resorted to shady business dealings that threatened to catch up with him, prompting an abrupt move to New Zealand when the twins were barely in their teens.

Kay found work as a carpenter outside Wellington, the small, windy capital city at the mouth of the Cook Strait. But after offering to import a Holden sedan for his boss, then blowing the money at the racetrack, Kay returned to crime. He’d break into a post office at night, put the facility’s safe on a trolley, wheel it out to his car, and speed off into the night. Kay rented a house where he’d use a cold chisel to open the safes, often while the twins were playing in the other room. In addition to money, they usually contained stamps, which Kay liked to sell back to the post office he’d robbed. He told the boys that whatever they needed to do to get ahead in life was OK, so long as no one got hurt.

To disguise himself during his crimes, Kay wore fake glasses and used Brylcreem to darken and slick back his hair. Sometimes he asked the boys if they wanted to come along to “give him a hand.” Doug always volunteered. The twins provided excellent cover—the police were less likely to pull over a vehicle with an adorable boy or two in the back—and doubled as lookouts.

One night, when Doug was 12, Kay parked near a supermarket and told his son to keep an eye out. Doug watched his dad run toward the store, a silhouette in the moonlight. Kay robbed the market so often he’d left a piece of roofing loose for easy access. Doug had just wiggled into the driver’s seat—he thought it would feel cool to sit behind the wheel—when the market’s alarm started blaring. He waited for what felt like an eternity. Then the driver’s-side door suddenly flung open and his dad appeared out of the dark. “Move over,” Kay said as he slid into the car. Father and son peeled away from the scene.

Kay’s criminal career meant that the family was constantly on the run. Over the course of their childhood, Peter and Doug lived in some 40 houses and attended five schools, where they were often enrolled under false names. In photos from back then, it’s impossible to tell them apart. As early as infancy, their mom liked to dress her sons the same. They wore matching shoes and jumpers and had matching hairstyles. The twins were often each other’s only playmate. Indeed, the family’s status as fugitives made them a tight unit; Doug considered them “a gang of four.”

But then Beryl became suspicious that Kay—charismatic and handsome, a “cross between Steve McQueen and Paul Newman,” in Peter’s words—was seeing other women. One evening, during an especially heated argument, Beryl refused to let Kay take the car to rob a post office. Instead, he pushed a wheelbarrow to his target, planning to haul away the safe. The police showed up before he could clear out, and Kay was arrested—but not before the former boxer bashed one of them in the head with a crowbar.

With Kay in custody, his 13-year-old twins were left to dispose of the evidence of his crimes. According to Peter, Beryl drove them to Kay’s rental house, where they filled the family car with empty safes. Then she drove them to a nearby bridge where, one by one, in the pitch dark, they were tipped into the river below. (In Doug’s recollection, the brothers did this without their mother’s help.)

After serving an 18-month prison sentence, Kay was deported back to Australia, and his family followed. Kay vowed to go straight and resume working in construction. The twins worked alongside him; he’d taken them out of school when they were 15 and trained them himself. The teenagers also worked briefly at a bank; Doug, who’d earned high marks in math while still in school, rose to become a teller, while Peter remained a junior employee.

One Sunday morning in December 1971, 18-year-old Doug and Peter were relaxing at home when they heard a guttural scream from their parents’ bedroom. They ran inside to find 41-year-old Kay lying on the bed with his arms in the air, as if reaching for the ceiling. Doug tried to lower them while Peter watched from the edge of the bed as his father gasped for air.

Someone called for help, and a nurse hurried over from a church across the street, where she’d been attending service. When Doug checked on his father later that day, he found the nurse straightening Kay’s legs and tightening the sheets around him.

“He’s OK?” Doug asked.

“No,” said the nurse. “He’s dead.”

A half-century later, Doug remembers his tumultuous early years fondly. “My childhood was a great adventure,” he told me. “I still look back and I smile. Maybe it was the teamwork, maybe it was being part of something.” At his home in the countryside north of Melbourne, Doug showed me the dusty old train set he and Peter used to play with when Kay was prying open stolen safes, and offered me some of his dad’s favorite cookies. Outside he pushed forward the driver’s seat of his Land Rover. Underneath, wrapped in some of his mother’s curtains, was his father’s ashes. “He goes everywhere with me,” Doug said with a smirk.

Peter doesn’t find this funny. “If I want to visit my dad,” he told me on the anniversary of Kay’s death, “I’ll have to steal my brother’s car.”

Peter doesn’t know where Doug lives, and he doesn’t like to talk to him. Doug is fine with that. The roots of the men’s resentment run deep. As kids their personalities clashed—Doug was irreverent, while Peter was serious—and they were hyper-competitive. When Doug found himself in the principal’s office in first grade for kissing a girl behind a shed, he claimed that Peter was the guilty one and had blamed him to avoid getting in trouble. Their relationship could hold an edge of violence: They had water and pillow fights so intense that their mom shut herself up in another room to avoid the chaos. Sometimes one twin would pull his jumper over his head, then hold the other twin’s neck under his arm as if in a vise, making it appear like he was carrying his own severed head.

Kay’s sudden death brought the twins closer for a while. “It sort of cemented a bond with my brother [and me] against the world,” Doug said. It was what happened later, when they followed in their father’s footsteps and became prolific stickup men, that transformed what might have been a bygone rivalry into a bitter, unbridgeable rift.

As Peter tells it, for decades Doug made himself out to be the good twin and Peter the bad twin. Peter finds this ridiculous. He also insists that Doug is unworthy of any media attention for the robberies that had once captivated the public across Australia. In Peter’s view, there was only one After Dark Bandit.

The Late Checks

Within six months of Kay’s death, Beryl remarried. Doug considered it the gang of four’s second loss. Around the same time, the twins began working together in construction. They were young, but they’d been trained well by their dad and could pull in more than the average subcontractor—sometimes over $500 Australian a week. (The country stopped using pounds in 1966.) Over time, though, Peter grew to resent being dependent on other people for his livelihood. The twins were 23 and at a construction site when Peter read a newspaper article about the Boiler Suit Gang, a group of bank robbers named after the blue outfits they wore during robberies. “We could do that,” he said to his brother.

At first Doug brushed him off, but Peter kept bringing it up, and Doug was soon indulging Peter’s fantasies about how they’d pull off a heist. They talked about how most robberies occurred in cities, where a cop might be parked around the corner, leaving the perpetrator little time to escape. But if they went after rural targets, they could ascertain how many cops were in town and suss out where they’d be at a given time. The brothers could strike at dusk, just before closing, and use the falling darkness to conceal themselves as they fled. They could anticipate where police roadblocks would be set up and hike through the bush to avoid them. The idea, Peter told me, “was basically guerrilla warfare: Do the crime, disappear, and then reappear outside the search area.”

It was all just talk until money got tight. The twins had families to support. Their mother’s second husband had six children, and Peter had developed a romantic relationship with his 16-year-old stepsister, Pamela. Peter married her when he was 19—the same year Doug married another woman named Pamela. Both were shotgun weddings, the twins told me, and Peter and Doug were soon fathers.

In the lead-up to Easter in 1977, the twins were waiting on payment for a pair of house frames they’d built. The person who owed them said that the checks were in the mail, but they hadn’t arrived. Peter, feeling stuck, decided that a robbery would free him. He was also anxious about his health. He’d suffered rheumatic fever in his teens and then developed chest pains. (These were later diagnosed as symptoms of panic attacks.) He feared an early cardiac event like the one that killed his father, and figured that if he wouldn’t be around long enough to retire, he may as well “go out and get my gold watch now.”

Doug was open to the idea—he, too, had been raised by a man with a criminal mindset. “My father’s philosophy was that it’s OK to do whatever you want to maintain the lifestyle you want,” he told me. He also realized that, were they ever to be caught, the fact that they were twins might keep them out of jail. Prosecutors would be forced to prove which of them had committed the crime. As long as the brothers stayed silent, reasonable doubt would always cloud the truth.

The brothers planned to use a stolen car during the crime, but Doug declined to help with that. He also refused to carry out the robbery or use a gun. “I’ll do it all,” Peter said. Doug agreed to serve as an “assistant,” helping Peter get to and from the scene. The twins decided that Peter would get two-thirds of the loot and Doug the remainder.

On a rainy Holy Thursday, Peter walked into a car dealership in a suburb of Melbourne. He told the salesman that he was interested in the Ford Falcon GT. Capable of going up to 140 miles per hour, and priced at about $6,500 Australian, it was the best car in the yard. The new salesman couldn’t believe his good fortune. “It’s a surprise for my wife,” Peter told him, “so what I’d like to do is take the car to our house and show her what I’m going to buy her.”

Peter got behind the wheel, the salesman climbed in, and they sped off along a rain-slickened road. Peter drove to a random house nearby. The two got out, and the salesman began walking up the path, eager to meet Peter’s wife, who he presumed was inside. Peter drew an air pistol.

“This is where we part company,” Peter said. The salesman saw the gun. “What, and the car?” he managed to say. “Yeah,” Peter replied. He climbed back into the driver’s seat and sped away.

Peter drove to a nearby cemetery where Doug was waiting in a Leyland P76 with a few jerricans of gasoline for the stolen GT, so Peter didn’t have to risk showing his face at a filling station. Rain fell in sheets over the tombstones and pounded the roofs of the cars. Doug poured the gas into the tank, bid his brother goodbye, and drove off. Then Peter waited in the cemetery for darkness to come.

At dusk, Peter drove to a TAB agency in nearby Mernda and entered holding a Jager .22 semiautomatic assault rifle he’d purchased in Melbourne. The rain had drenched his khaki carpentry overalls. He’d planned to wear a stocking over his head, but the moisture on his face had made it hard to see, so he went unconcealed.

Peter ordered the manager to empty the cash drawers, then stuffed the bills into a bag and directed him to open the safe. The man refused. Instead he gave Peter a lecture, imploring him not to ruin his life. Looking back, Peter assumed that this was prompted by his appearance—he was a “23-year-old bloke” who looked like “a drowned rat” in his soaked work clothes. Rather than threaten to shoot, Peter backed out the door and leapt into the stolen GT.

Doug was waiting behind the wheel of the Leyland a few miles outside Mernda. When Peter rolled up in the GT, he threw the bag of money through the driver’s-side window. Doug yanked the steering wheel from its column and shoved the cash into the exposed space. Then the brothers drove off in different directions.

With his adrenaline pumping, Peter raced along a forestry road in the deluge. Suddenly, the GT slid off the asphalt into a rushing creek. Peter abandoned the vehicle and made his way on foot to the rendezvous point he and Doug had agreed on. Only later would Peter realize the uncanny parallels to his father’s bank robbery in nearby Eltham, the one that landed him in prison for several years: Like Kay, Peter had failed to access the establishment’s safe, and like his dad he’d crashed a stolen sports car.

The haul from the TAB agency came to $320. “You’re not much of a robber,” Doug said.

Peter was shaken by the experience. He worried that he’d screwed up his life for a couple hundred bucks.  “The paranoia sets in,” he told me. “What if they know it’s me? What if the car salesman gave a really good description?”

When the cops failed to come knocking, Peter had an exhilarating realization: He’d gotten away with it. The missing checks from the construction job arrived four days after the robbery. By then it didn’t matter. Peter had tasted crime and wanted more. So did Doug.

The Bushrangers

In the late 18th century, Great Britain established Australia as a penal colony, primarily to alleviate overcrowding in British prisons. Over time, around 160,000 prisoners were transported to the continent. Those who were uneducated were made to perform backbreaking labor under threat of corporal punishment. Some escaped into the bush seeking freedom and turned to crime to stay alive.

Known as bushrangers, they adapted to life in the wilderness, forming outlaw bands that robbed travelers and settlers alike, stealing food, weapons, ammunition, bedding, and other supplies. Many bushrangers had short careers that ended in shootouts or capture, and in some cases execution. But a few gained notoriety for their bold escapades and their ability to evade capture for long periods in the wilderness.

The most infamous bushranger was Ned Kelly, born around 1854 in Victoria. Kelly’s father—just like the Morgan twins’—was a criminal. He’d been brought from Ireland to Australia as a convicted thief. Kelly eventually committed an infamous string of robberies and bush escapes. He was captured, tried, and hanged in 1880.

Unlike Kelly, who killed three police officers, the brothers agreed to avoid undue violence—they wanted the money, not to harm anyone. They pledged to walk away from a job if things got “too hot.” After the Mernda robbery, Doug decided that he wanted an equal role in the next heist, to prove that he was as tough as his brother. The twins set their sights on another betting agency, this one in the town of Berwick, on the southeastern fringes of Melbourne. It would be the first and only time the brothers pulled a job together.

Doug still felt squeamish about carrying a gun, so he went to a local army surplus store and paid $59 for an imitation pistol. It didn’t have a bore—the hole through the center of the barrel—so he’d need to avoid pointing it at anyone, or they might realize it was a fake.

On the evening of May 30, 1977, right before the robbery, Doug strolled past Berwick’s police station, a hundred yards from the betting agency. A cop car was parked out front. He punctured the tires with a screwdriver. Then the Morgan twins barged into the betting agency, with Peter carrying a rifle and Doug the imitation pistol. “I don’t like to boast,” Doug told me, recalling the event, “but the manager definitely opened the safe door when I went along.” The brothers filled their bags with $916, ran outside, and mounted a pair of bicycles. Peter had painted the bikes black so they’d be less visible at night. They coasted down a hill away from the betting agency, met up with a railroad line, and pedaled along the tracks to a car parked a short distance away.

For their next crime, Peter drew up what he called a “double job”—two heists committed within half an hour of each other. The first would distract police and clear the way for the second. The twins would wear identical jumpers, like when they were kids, to fool the authorities into thinking that both were carried out by a single perpetrator.

Peter did his part, stealing $1,277 from a betting agency in Hastings, but Doug got cold feet and aborted his portion of the plan. Twelve days later Doug sought redemption, charging into a betting agency in Koo Wee Rup armed with the imitation pistol and a sawed-off shotgun, which he vowed he’d use only to fire warning shots.

A month later, Peter planned another double job. He robbed $1,567 from a TAB agency in Lilydale, only to discover afterward that Doug had balked again. Ten days later Doug struck his assigned target, a betting agency in Healesville, a small town in the fertile Yarra Valley, where kangaroos were often spotted lazing in the shade. When he entered the TAB, a customer was placing a bet. Doug told the employee behind the counter to let the customer finish up before turning over the agency’s cash.

After exiting with $1,080, Doug leapt onto a bicycle and rode past the police station. He stashed the bike in some hedges and disappeared into the bush. Doug hiked about ten miles to a rendezvous point with Peter, scratching himself on blackberry bushes and lying prone as cars passed along the highway. It was like a game of hide-and-seek, he told me, “except your friend is going to shoot you.”

The twins were young and immature, and they’d found a way to make cash far more quickly than they could lugging lumber and bricks around construction sites. Plus, there was a sense of adventure in it all. Doug remembers sleeping under a giant fern during a storm and falling asleep to the sound of rain. Peter was once scouting an escape route on his motorbike when a dozen kangaroos rushed past. “For about 20 seconds, I’m part of the kangaroo flock,” he told me. Peter also thrived on the rush he felt after a job. “You’re mainlining on adrenaline for six or eight hours,” he said. “That’s the most powerful drug in the world, adrenaline. And the cheapest.”

The police were at a loss to figure out who was behind the brothers’ capers. Despite Peter carrying a gun in his left hand and Doug in his right, nobody caught on that there were two robbers and not one. The twins were  “cleanskins,”  meaning that they didn’t have a criminal record. Nor did they have any questionable friends, gang affiliations, or links to Australia’s underworld.  “The only criminal we ever knew was our father,” Peter said. This kept them off authorities’ radar but also meant that they only had each other to confide in and rely on.

Peter was the planner, and a meticulous one. He kept a black book of potential jobs, with the locations of various TABs and banks, when they opened and closed, exit points, nearby police stations, and even coffee shops local law enforcement frequented. He gave each target a score based on its suitability. “Two ticks if the building was good, and maybe another tick if the getaway was good,” Peter said.

The twins decided not to do robberies in the summer months, because that was when Australia’s venomous snakes were about. If one of them was bitten, he’d have to turn himself in to avoid succumbing from the venom. They also didn’t use walkie-talkies, concerned that someone might pick up the frequency. Instead, they developed a way of communicating in code by flashlight. When one brother arrived at a rendezvous point and gave a signal in the darkness, the other would signal back if it was safe to meet.

The brothers never ate before a job. “You don’t want a full stomach when you’ve got to walk 20 kilometers,” Doug explained. To cut down on weight, they didn’t even bring water; they kept their mouths moist by chewing gum with flavored liquid in the center.

After a job, the tradition was to drive to Melbourne and eat at an all-night burger joint. They’d pick up the latest paper, which sometimes included news of their crime. Peter remembered one headline declaring that the police had the bandit surrounded and were expecting an early arrest. The twins laughed as they scarfed down hamburgers several towns away.  

The Mask

Victoria’s Armed Robbery Squad operated out of the Russell Street Police Headquarters in downtown Melbourne. A blond-brick skyscraper crowned with a tall metal radio mast, the building stood across the road from the Old Melbourne Gaol, where Ned Kelly was hanged. Nineteen investigators had been allocated to the squad, and they were spread thin. Detective sergeant Jimmy Louden, who led one of the squad’s six crews, was in charge of the investigation into the prolific TAB robber, known initially as the Machine Gun Bandit because the assault rifle he sometimes carried resembled an automatic weapon. By August 1978, John Beever and Patrick Brear were running lead on the case.

Beever and Brear started by revisiting each crime scene. The detectives drove long distances to talk to small-town cops and reinterview witnesses, paying close attention to physical details of the bandit and his routine. He usually struck at around 7 p.m., and police noticed that he hadn’t been very active during the Australian summer of 1977–78. The officers concluded that this was because the summer months brought more daylight hours, preventing the bandit from using darkness to his advantage.

The robber was hitting targets all across southern Victoria, from windy Great Ocean Road in the west to the farm-studded flatlands of Wellington Shire in the east. Beever and Brear were especially baffled by robberies in Dromana and Sorrento that had occurred within 30 minutes of each other. The coastal towns were 15 miles apart on the Mornington Peninsula, a narrow boot-shaped strip of land south of Melbourne known for its vineyards, sheltered beaches, and great surf. As the bandit entered the agency in Sorrento, he told a female staff member, “Sorry I’m late, but I just held up the Dromana branch.” Beever and Brear were unable to cover the distance between the two towns in the time that elapsed between the robberies. “We were dealing with more than just your run-of-the-mill offender,” Brear said. “We were looking for a very smart operative.”

Once the bandit’s MO was established, Victoria police launched a broad-based surveillance effort code-named Operation Rimfire. The objective was to monitor TAB agencies in areas where the bandit was operating, in particular between the hours of 5 p.m. and 7:30 p.m. It was an enormous allocation of manpower for small-town police stations with just a handful of employees. Officers attended briefings and manned stakeouts in shifts. They were instructed to wear civilian clothes, stay near a telephone, and maintain radio contact. Meal breaks were forbidden. After the bandit struck while an officer was using the restroom, officers were ordered to hold their water, too.

As the search dragged on, the police grew annoyed by the public’s lack of assistance. The leader of Victoria’s Armed Robbery Squad, detective inspector Tom O’Keeffe, told the press, “It’s not a Ned Kelly fight between the coppers and the villain. It’s not a game people can join in by watching on TV.” He warned that the bandit was “a potential psychopath,” and compared him to rapists and murderers. “It looks like it’s a challenge to him,” he said, “and we accept the challenge.”

Despite careful planning, close calls were unavoidable for the Morgan twins. During one escape, Doug encountered a roadblock on a bridge and had to slip into a swollen river to avoid detection. From under the bridge, he could see the cops above silhouetted by flashing lights. For a moment he considered yelling for help. He feared that the heavy bag of cash tied around his neck might drown him, but managed to reach the bank and drag himself ashore.

To stay ahead of police, the twins had to innovate. After one stickup in the bayside town of Edithvale, Peter experimented with a novel getaway method: a timber canoe. He built it himself, along with a paddle, to prevent the police from tracing it to a store. He navigated into foggy Port Phillip Bay with his stolen cash in a waterproof container, watching the lights of the police cars as they raced into town. Suddenly, the canoe started to sink—he hadn’t waterproofed it. Peter paddled frantically to shore, where he abandoned the vessel and hiked back to his car.  

One day, Peter was perusing a collection of novelty items at an agricultural show in Melbourne when he spotted a mask. It looked like the face of an ugly old man and had a mop of curly hair attached, long enough that it ran to Peter’s collar. He decided that it offered perfect cover. He came to see the mask as the part of his robbery kit that distinguished him as a serious professional criminal, and resolved not to let his brother use it.

That was fine with Doug, who used handkerchiefs and bandanas to cover his face during robberies. He had no interest in wearing Peter’s mask, which he tried on just once. “It was a piece of shit,” he told me. “Your vision was really bad out of it, so you didn’t have peripheral.”

Peter felt that his brother was an unreliable partner. Doug wasn’t balking at jobs anymore, but he was sometimes unavailable because of practice with his recreational football team. “I was full on,” Peter said, “whereas for whatever reason, Douglas became reluctant.” Peter planned TAB heists in Drouin and Keilor without telling his brother.

But TABs were beginning to feel too small-time for the kind of criminal Peter saw himself as. In early 1978, he decided to hit his first bank.

The Nickname

Because banks closed earlier than TABs, Peter knew that he risked being seen before the sun went down. This meant it was imperative that he get into the bush faster than usual. He decided to steal a motorbike to do so. One of Peter’s rules was to only steal from businesses, not individuals, so he went to a used-car lot, asked to test-drive a Honda 500cc motorcycle, and zoomed away without paying for it.

The next day, March 7, 1978, Peter rode the stolen motorbike to the State Savings Bank in Mirboo North, a tranquil farming town. He ran inside armed with a shotgun and ordered the manager to fill up a bag with money. He then escaped to a nearby pine forest, stashed the bike, and set off on foot. When he stopped to rest, he rifled through his bag of money and found a brand-new .25-caliber Browning pistol inside. It belonged to the bank. A staff member must have tossed it inside for some reason during the robbery.

The take was a hefty $15,098, and Peter planned to spend his share. While Doug sometimes used his portion of the loot to purchase sports cars, Peter preferred ski boats, motorbikes, and guns. Like their father before them, both men enjoyed betting on horses and greyhounds. Peter used this as a way to launder his money: He’d place a bet with stolen cash at one window, then claim his winnings at another, receiving clean bills in return. (Since the races didn’t always go his way, he figures that the method amounted to about a 20 percent processing fee.)

Peter also took up horse trading. He bought horses at country markets, transported them to his property, and sold some to recreational riders while keeping others for himself. It was an ideal cover for the robberies, justifying his frequent travel and surplus cash, and providing an explanation for how he spent his time. He’d even use the horse trailer to haul stolen motorcycles to robbery locations. Peter accumulated so many horses—he estimates that he bought and sold about 100—that he bought a farm in Nyora and moved his family there.

Several of Peter’s Thoroughbreds competed on the local racing circuit. As kids the Morgan twins idolized the Skelton brothers, who were among the best jockeys in New Zealand. Now, as an owner of racehorses, Peter had the opportunity to lift R.J. Skelton into his saddle before a race. “He called me Mr. Morgan,” Peter bragged to Doug. However indirectly, the robberies were earning him power and respect.

Peter claims that he hid his crimes from his family. He’d wait until his wife left for work—Pamela managed a hardware company—before washing the stolen bank notes, dunking them in water, shoving them in a stocking, and running them in the clothes dryer to remove any ink stamps the bank had marked them with. Like his father, he also rented a safe house in Essendon, gave the landlady a phony story, and kept a car at the property in case he needed to disappear in a hurry.

Doug’s son, Michael, told me that his mother once opened the trunk of their car and found it full of cash. “But Father was good at lying,” Michael said. “He said he’d won it at the races.”

The Morgan brothers treated their wives with coldness at times, and despite their fraternal competitiveness, they often opted to spend time with each other rather than their families. Doug’s wife was saddened by his absence and neglect; Peter’s wife finally left, taking their son with her, after Peter returned from a three-day heist and refused to tell her where he’d been. Peter spent the next day losing $7,000 at the racetrack. When his wife returned with their son and a new toy she’d bought for him, Peter bitterly blamed her for his losses. That toy had cost seven grand, he thought.

Still, the Pamelas stuck by their husbands even as their families grew: Doug eventually had a son and a daughter, and Peter had two sons. Just as Kay brought the twins along on jobs, Peter sometimes took his four-year-old to scout potential targets and police stations. One day the toddler was in the car with his grandparents when he said, “We need to go and look at the cop shop!”

“Why?” they asked.

Because, the boy said, Dad always liked to check them out.

After the Mirboo North bank heist, the twins targeted a string of betting agencies. Following one stickup, in the town of Torquay, Doug was fleeing in the darkness when a local service-station owner gave chase. Doug turned and fired his gun, which was loaded with buckshot. He intended it to be a warning shot and had aimed at the ground, but a pellet struck the man’s lip.

At around 7 p.m., Peter heard about the robbery on the radio and fell into a fury. “The shooting broke my rules,” Peter told me. “There was to be no violence.” Waiting in his Valiant Charger at the rendezvous point, Peter extended the barrel of his Jager .22 rifle through the open window. I’m going to kill him, Peter thought. The gun was loaded and cocked, with the safety off. He saw Doug walking toward the vehicle in the darkness, finishing what was a 15-mile hike from Torquay. Peter was about to pull the trigger when he thought: What am I doing? He put the gun back down on his lap.

In the wake of the shooting of the service-station owner, police reporter Geoff Wilkinson published a story headlined “Hunt for 14-Raid TAB Thief,” portraying the criminal as a “potential killer.” Wilkinson—who would later write Double Trouble, a book about the twins, with coauthor Ross Brundrett—also gave the robber a new nickname, based on his propensity for nighttime heists: the After Dark Bandit.

The Briefcase

Doug’s shooting of the man in Torquay brought to the fore some fundamental disagreements between the Morgan brothers. Doug had always considered himself the better carpenter, better with girls, and their father’s favorite. Doug felt that Peter now saw himself as the better bank robber and was intent on rubbing it in. For his part, Peter felt like his brother was just “along for the ride,” enjoying the fruits of his efforts while pulling fewer jobs and bringing in less money. This inspired Peter’s nickname for Doug: Parasite. He felt that Doug lacked commitment. “It was a business,” Peter told me. “Not a legal business, but it was still a business.”

Peter was meticulous to the point of obsessive when preparing for a robbery, scouting targets for hours at a time and repeatedly assembling and disassembling his rifle in the dark like a commando. As Peter saw it, Doug had never taken anything seriously in his life. In their teens, they’d been evenly matched in most sports, but Peter had the edge in track and field. During one race in New Zealand, Doug unexpectedly got out to a huge lead, and Peter exhausted himself catching up. Then, halfway through the race, Doug stopped and walked off the track. “It was all just a big joke to him,” Peter told me.

Doug’s lackadaisical attitude clashed with Peter’s desire to expand their criminal enterprise to include higher-stakes bank jobs. The last TAB Peter ever hit was in the small dairy town of Maffra. It was the second half of a double robbery; Doug had struck a betting agency in Heyfield 25 minutes earlier. Peter, wearing his mask, entered the caged area behind the TAB’s counter and collected the money from the cash drawers. But when the manager opened the floor safe, it was empty. “Where’d you hide it?” asked Peter, rummaging through a waste bin to see if any money was stashed inside. The manager just smiled. Reading the papers afterward, Peter concluded that after Doug’s Heyfield heist, the police had notified all TABs in the area that the After Dark Bandit was on the prowl. Peter was less annoyed by the measly haul—a mere $463—than by the feeling that he’d been outsmarted.

Two weeks later,  eager to show the police who was boss, Peter parked his motorcycle outside Heathcote’s CBC Bank, donned his mask, and ran inside carrying a sawed-off shotgun and a large bag. “I have to rob a bank because the coppers have got the TABs covered,” he told the frightened staff. He seized $15,106 in cash.  

Carrying the stolen money out of the Heathcote CBC, Peter spotted a man seated in a car wearing a blue Victoria Police uniform. Peter, still in his mask, dragged the man out of the car and frisked him for a gun.

“You’re a cop,” Peter said.

“No,” lied the off-duty constable, terrified.

Peter threw the man’s keys into a nearby field, then climbed onto his motorcycle and sped off down Heathcote’s main street.

Soon after, flush with cash from the bank heist, the Morgan twins went to the races at Ballarat, a provincial city in the gold-rich Central Highlands of Victoria. They drove Peter’s Valiant Charger, which he’d recently souped up to outrun the cops. “It was my pride and joy, obviously,” Peter told me. In the boot of the car was a briefcase containing two shotguns and thousands of dollars in cash.

Before the races started, Doug vanished. Peter couldn’t find him in the restroom or anywhere else he searched. He’d never known his brother to skip a race, so Peter panicked, worrying that the police might have nabbed him. He decided to leave, but walking through the parking lot he realized that the cops might be waiting at his car. He crept between vehicles, trying to remain unseen, until he came to his spot. The Valiant was gone.

Peter took a taxi back to his house, where he found his car parked with the door and trunk open. The briefcase was gone, and there was a note on the steering wheel: “Thanks bro.”

Doug had stolen the car by having a copy of Peter’s key cut the previous day. “My greatest job,” Doug told me. “I robbed the robber.”

For three days, Peter said, he “hunted Doug around Victoria prepared to kill him.” He drove to every motel he could find. “I’m looking for my twin brother. He looks like me,” he told each proprietor. “There’s been a death in the family, and I can’t contact him.”

Doug told me that he robbed his brother because he was fed up with Peter calling him Parasite. Plus, he wanted to prove that he could get the better of his twin. “I showed him who’s the real master,” Doug said.

A few days after disappearing, Doug called Peter. “We need to talk,” he said.

“You’re a scumbag,” Peter replied.

Still, the brothers agreed to meet. When they sat down at a pub in Melbourne, according to Doug, he handed over Peter’s gun and half the money from the boot of his car. (As Peter tells it, Doug had already spent it all, and slid him an empty briefcase.) Doug explained that he’d been at a motel in the town of Sale. Peter hadn’t checked it because it was next to a police station.

The incident strained the already volatile relationship between the brothers, yet they continued their criminal partnership. Despite a mutual hatred, they were the last remaining members of the original gang of four, and neither could simply walk away.

The Gum Tree

Robbing Peter made Doug more confident than ever. In the spring of 1978, he told his brother that he intended to hit a bank. Peter asked for specifics, but Doug simply said that he had it all planned out.

In fact, all he’d done at that point was pick a target: the National Bank in Warburton, an old gold-mining town on the Yarra River, surrounded by the lush green mountains of the Great Dividing Range. Doug had banked there a few years earlier, and once when he looked over the teller’s shoulder, he saw heaps of cash in trays—far more than he’d seen when working in a bank as a teenager. “It told me this was a good bank to rob,” Doug said.

Five nights before the heist, Doug stole a small Honda motorbike from a local garage. On October 17, he rode around Warburton for four hours, scouting his getaway route. As the afternoon shadows lengthened, he found a hill overlooking the bank and sat there for 20 minutes, counting the customers going in and out of the building.

Doug stepped into the bank dressed in a long oilskin coat, his face covered by a black stocking and a balaclava. He vaulted over the counter, shouting, “You probably know who I am. I am the After Dark Bandit!”  He announced that he’d shot people before, then he emptied the cash from the tellers’s boxes and locked everyone in the bathroom. He warned them not to contact the police, claiming that he knew where they lived.

After the holdup, Doug raced on his motorbike into the hills above Warburton. With the heavy bag of stolen money strapped to his wrist, he accidentally popped a wheelie that sent him swerving toward an oncoming bus, which he narrowly avoided hitting. He then doubled back over some dirt tracks he’d made that morning, forcing his pursuers to guess which direction he’d gone. After returning to the paved road, he puttered along for a distance before stopping. He threw the bike over a wire fence, covered it with branches, and set off on foot into the bush.

When he felt that he’d gone far enough to shake any pursuers, Doug took a rest against an enormous gum tree. “It was like a romantic painting,” he said. He opened his bag and counted the stolen cash: nearly $39,000. While some thieves might have considered the impressive haul ample reason to keep pulling jobs, Doug felt differently. “It was enough money to start a new life,” he recalled. “I could leave Australia. Maybe move to New Zealand or America. I could buy two houses in cash, maybe set up a business.”

He thought about his brother—blowing money on racehorses, doing jobs just to prove he could, and walking around like a movie gangster with the Browning pistol from the Mirboo North robbery tucked into a homemade holster.  Doug didn’t want to be like his brother, because he didn’t like his brother. If Peter was going to continue to define himself by robbing banks, Doug would take the opposite tack. He pledged to never do another holdup.

In the distance he could hear the thrup-thrup-thrup of a police helicopter searching for him. He looked up at the canopy of the gum tree. Its long branches and flowing leaves provided perfect cover.

Later, when Peter discovered how much Doug had scored, their biggest haul to date, he scoffed. “Beginner’s luck,” he said.

On March 14, 1979, Peter put on his rubber mask and darted inside the same Heathcote CBC he robbed the previous July. “Hello,” he cheerily greeted the staff. “Remember me?” He tossed a bag on the counter and told the tellers to fill it up. Peter then placed his sawed-off shotgun on the counter and caught one of the tellers looking at it. “This is your chance,” Peter said, daring them to grab the weapon.

He forced the customers into the storeroom. A few noted that the bandit had grown a pot belly, causing his shirt buttons to pop. In a subsequent news article headlined “The after-dark bandit casts a broader shadow,” journalist Lindsay Murdoch wrote, “Police say the bandit’s big spending of TAB and bank money is starting to show.”

Peter announced that he needed a getaway car, and ledger keeper Jan Murphy handed him the keys to her orange Datsun. He drove Murphy’s car to a small building in the countryside, where earlier that day he’d stashed his motorbike—an unregistered, customized machine with a top speed of 100 mph. Zipping away on the bike, Peter was free.

Doug thought that his brother was insane to rob the same bank twice. “He was like a bomb just waiting to go off, and the trouble is, the bomb was going to destroy my life as well,” Doug said.

Peter didn’t take his brother’s retirement all that seriously, and felt validated when, a few months after the revelation under the gum tree, Doug agreed to do another bank job. The heist was planned for the idyllic farming town of Heyfield. Peter gave Doug his motorbike and guns, and dropped him off about 12 miles from the target. Doug, who later said that he’d felt pressured into the job, yanked a few wires on the bike to render it inoperable, then spent the day sitting by a lake. When Peter found out, he was furious—about the broken bike and because his brother had pulled out of yet another robbery.  

The twins had always fought, but their confrontations were becoming increasingly violent. Doug remembered Peter once holding his hair and kicking him in the face with his boot; another time, he said, Peter tried to run him down with a car. Doug also recalled punching Peter in the face and ramming his head through a plaster wall at a construction site. During one fierce fight, Doug begged Peter to give up the robberies. “You have to stop,” Doug said. “You’re going to get us killed.”

By then the twins had stolen close to $100,000, but for Peter it wasn’t enough. His goal was to become “the big guy in domestic horses in Victoria,” he told me. To do that, he needed a sizable nest egg. If Doug continued to dig in his heels and refuse to pull his weight, Peter figured that it would take six more jobs to get where he wanted to be.

The Church

For detectives Beever and Brear, each new robbery felt like a failure of their investigative work. But it also added to the pool of knowledge about the After Dark Bandit. They realized that he was becoming greedier, favoring banks over betting agencies, and also more daring and reckless. He was hitting targets during the day sometimes, and he’d robbed Heathcote CBC twice in eight months.

Beever and Brear’s working theory was that the bandit was a drug addict or gambler—someone “not very strong on investments,” in Brear’s words, who was spending the money he stole, then pulling another job when cash got low. The detectives recorded the dates of each robbery and the amounts taken. Using this information, they discerned what they thought was a pattern and tried to predict when he would strike again.

Beever thought that the next robbery would fall on April 27, and he sent a telex dispatch the day before, warning police in county stations to be on high alert. “Regarding the offender sought for numerous armed robberies on TAB agencies at banks in country areas, it is anticipated that this offender will commit a similar offence in the very near future,” Beever wrote. He urged police to monitor banks and TABs “in particular within half an hour either side of closing time,” to be “discreet in the surveillance,” and to stay off their radios. “It appears that this offender has monitored police broadcasts in the past,” Beever wrote.

Brear suspected that the target would be Heathcote CBC for a third time. He couldn’t say why—it was just “a hell of a strong gut feeling,” he told me. Sitting at Russell Street Police Headquarters, with nothing pressing on the day’s agenda, Brear suggested to Beever that they drive from Melbourne up to Heathcote, park near the CBC Bank, and watch for the thief. Beever doubted that the robber would hit Heathcote a third time, however, so the detectives stayed put.

Still, Brear was so convinced that Heathcote was the target that he called senior constable Ray Koch, one of two police officers in the small town. Brear urged him to keep an eye on the bank, and Koch reassured him that he was standing guard.

Around 4:40 p.m., 51-year-old Koch was cruising down Heathcote’s main street in his squad car when he decided to do another pass by the bank before it closed for the day. Koch gripped the steering wheel with his big hands. He was a strong, stocky man; his friends knew him as a gentle giant who enjoyed spending time with his wife and four kids. A pillar of the tight-knit community, he could often be found trap shooting, duck hunting, or drinking beer with friends.

Clad in his blue police jacket and trousers, Koch drove up to the brick bank, where he noticed a figure on a side street. It was Peter, who on an impulse had indeed chosen to hit Heathcote a third time, because he knew the bank inside and out. For the previous two hours, he had stood at the edge of a nearby football field, watching Koch’s police car pass the bank every 30 minutes. “Like clockwork,” he recalled. Come 4:30, Peter decided to strike, figuring he’d have half an hour to rob the bank before the cop returned. He didn’t expect Koch to come back early.

Peter had just put his mask on and was walking toward the bank when Koch pulled up. Upon hearing the car door open, Peter ducked behind a small tree, pulled off his mask, and shoved it in his jumper. He’d hoped to appear as a passerby. But then he changed his mind; instead of trying to blend in, he’d take action.

Peter drew the Browning .25 pistol, which he’d come to regard as his lucky gun. It was the same model his father had used in the Eltham bank shootout, and Peter always kept it cocked and loaded. Koch, now out of his vehicle and clearly facing the After Dark Bandit, made for the far side of his car for cover, but Peter came at him and grabbed him by the arm. Koch tried to seize the Browning, and as the men wrestled, Peter’s gun hand slid under Koch’s armpit and the weapon discharged. Koch was hit in the back of the hip. He dragged Peter to the ground as he fell. When the two men hit the pavement, there was another loud pop. Intense pain seared through Koch’s body. (Peter has always insisted that both shots were unintentional.)

As Koch bled under his jacket, Peter hoisted him to his feet, grabbed him by the elbow, and walked him toward the bank. Peter was about to don his mask and enter the building when he turned to Koch. “I should finish you right now, because you’re the only person that’s ever seen my face,” Peter said. “But I won’t.” Then he pulled the officer into the bank.

Peter ordered the bank staff, who knew his routine by now, to fill up his bag with cash and open the safe. Koch, meanwhile, sat in a chair by the door, moaning with pain. Peter wanted to get out of there fast, lest Koch’s colleagues show up. He also wanted Koch to pull through.

“When we finish this, you can ring for the ambulance,” Peter told a young bank teller.

“What’s the phone number?” the teller asked.

“You idiot!” yelled Peter, kicking the teller’s backside.

Once again Peter needed a getaway vehicle, and once again ledger keeper Jan Murphy offered the keys to her orange Datsun. Lugging $11,100 in stolen cash, he left through the rear of the bank and got in the car, which was parked in the same spot as the last time he stole it.

Peter drove the Datsun down a side street, then around the back of the football field and into Heathcote’s scrubby fairground, where he’d hidden a black Yamaha motorcycle. Because Doug had sabotaged Peter’s personal bike, he lifted this one from a garage the night before. Peter ditched the car and got on the bike just as a police car pulled into the fairground. Behind the wheel was Fred Hobley, the other half of Heathcote’s two-man police force, who minutes after Peter fled the bank got the call that Koch had been shot.

Peter maneuvered into a ditch and then up an embankment and onto the road, with the cop in pursuit. Hobley lifted his police radio. “I’m chasing the motorbike,” he reported. Hobley kept losing sight of Peter on a windy dirt road leading into the forest, but he could follow the dust stirred up by the bike’s tires.

Peter saw a vehicle up ahead also kicking up a cloud of dust. He turned onto a narrower track, then slowed down. Behind him the cop car sped past, following the other vehicle’s trail.  

Peter puttered along slowly, drained from the adrenaline rush. After a few miles, he reached a spot where earlier that day he’d cut some tree branches to cover the bike and also stashed a bag of supplies—two cans of Coke, some blocks of chocolate, and a portable transistor radio. He grabbed the sack and started into the bush.

Later that evening, Doug was visiting his 17-year-old mistress, Wendy Breen. He’d been smitten by Wendy after she came to ride horses at Peter’s farm. “She probably went for the older man that had nice things, being young and from a working-class family,” Doug said.  Now, while spending time at her home, he heard a news flash on the radio that a policeman had been shot. He knew right away that Peter was responsible, and that the two of them were in deep trouble.

Doug had played a minor part in the heist that day, dropping off Peter and his motorbike outside Heathcote in the predawn hours. Doug rationalized that this wasn’t as bad as holding up a bank—he was only driving. Still, he’d told Peter that this was the last time he would help. Now he drove to his brother’s farm, grabbed some guns from Peter’s shed, and loaded them into his car. He told me he’d planned to use them to fire warning shots if he encountered police.

As part of the heist, Doug was supposed to pick up Peter at 2 a.m. at a rendezvous point: a Catholic church outside the small farming town of Axedale. Fueled by adrenaline, Peter made it there early and sat on the steps of the old church, waiting for his brother. The night air was frigid, causing him to shiver. He thought about kicking down the door of the church to warm up inside but decided that wouldn’t be right. It was a church after all. He turned on his transistor radio and listened to the news about the shooting and the massive police manhunt. The whole world was going to come down on his shoulders, he thought.

Two a.m. came and went with no sign of Doug. Unbeknownst to Peter, his brother had decided to wait until morning to head to the church, hoping that the police presence would diminish with time. En route, Doug spotted a roadblock. He knew that if the cops searched his car, they’d discover the guns he’d concealed under a newspaper on the passenger seat, so he stopped at a convenience store and bought a Coke. Then he got back in his car and hung a U-turn. According to Doug, if either missed the rendezvous, their plan was to return 24 hours later.

By 10:15 a.m., Peter was fed up with waiting. Eager to make it home for his wedding anniversary celebration, he decided to hitch a ride on a nearby road. A woman driving with her daughter gave him a lift into the town of Bendigo. “Retrospectively,” he told me, “I should have went bush.” Peter walked into a Woolworths to buy a different suitcase to carry the cash from the bank job. On his way out, he thought he was probably in the clear. He was only ten minutes from Bendigo’s railway station, where he could finally make his way home. That’s when constable Rick Hasty spotted him, pinned him against the wall, and arrested him.

Peter was shoved into a police car with three burly cops. They drove him a couple hundred yards to the police station and escorted him inside.

Peter calmly asked for a white coffee with one and a half sugars. “He was a cocky smart-ass,” Hasty told me. “Don’t let him put it over you that he was sorry for [what he did].” Hasty added, “He should have been fucking shot between the eyes.” So many policemen crowded in to get a glimpse of the After Dark Bandit that Peter “couldn’t see the walls,” he told me. “All I could see was blue.”

Brear, who’d gone to Heathcote the night before after hearing about the shooting, now arrived at the Bendigo station. He and a couple of other cops took Peter into a room for questioning. The men slid a list of suspected robberies across the table and asked him which were his. To their surprise, Peter admitted to nearly every one, 23 in total. He also volunteered that his first robbery was in Mernda.

One of the stunned cops asked him the date of the crime. Peter said that it was Holy Thursday 1977.

Peter then described his robberies down to the exact amounts stolen and the weapons used. “He was very cooperative,” Brear told me. “He offered no resistance to us at all.” Peter was following in the footsteps of his father, who’d freely confessed to his crimes after the Eltham robbery. “If you ever do something wrong,” Kay had told his sons, “at least be a man and accept the punishment.”

Ten hours after Peter’s arrest, once the police had searched his home and discovered that he had a twin brother, detectives Beever and Brear sat Peter down for a second round of questioning. They said that they believed his twin had been involved in the heists, too. Given their recent feuding, Peter had no intention of covering for Doug.

Yes, he told the police, his brother was his partner in crime.

When Doug saw his name and face on TV, he realized that his brother had ratted him out. He figured that it was Peter’s revenge for stealing his car and money at the horse races. “I don’t think I really trusted people after that,” he told me.

Doug suspected that the cops would be watching his home, so he spent the next few days moving from motel to motel with Wendy. The police already knew his face, of course, and they had a description of Wendy, which was circulating in the newspapers: a petite blonde, “last seen wearing blue jeans and a navy jumper.” Doug needed a car the police couldn’t trace, so he put a deposit down on a Land Rover, the first model he remembered his father driving. His plan was to head deep into the bush with Wendy and lie low for a while.

But first he took Wendy to the beach in Frankston, a lively seaside suburb of Melbourne with a golden sandy shore. Doug was watching the surf when he saw police officers coming down the beach, pointing at him. He bolted but didn’t make it far. Within moments, he collided with a police car and the cops piled on top of him.

The Prison

Justice for the brothers was swift. Doug pled guilty to robbing 17 TABs and four banks; Peter admitted to the same crimes, plus the two TABs he’d hit alone. A jury acquitted Peter of intent to cause grievous bodily harm to Ray Koch but found him guilty of the lesser charge of using a firearm to resist arrest.

The judge sentenced the twins to 17 years, but on appeal the state argued that they deserved more jail time. They’d left countless victims in their wake. There were the bank tellers and the customers who’d been traumatized by the brothers’ crimes. There was also Rick Hasty, who for the next 15 years wouldn’t speak to anyone about his terrifying encounter with Peter. He drank to forget, costing him two marriages, and moved to a cul-de-sac in the countryside, where he still lives today, often venturing alone into the Outback. Then there was Koch, who survived his injuries, but not without consequence. Doctors were in such a hurry to save his life they didn’t have time to scan the 32 pints of blood—donated by friends and Heathcote locals—his surgery required. Many suspected it had been infected with hepatitis, which took Koch’s life 16 years later. “So Morgan actually did kill him,” Hasty told me.

As a result of the state’s appeal, Doug’s sentence was increased to more than 20 years, and Peter’s to nearly 22. “The longest sentence from a robbery in Victorian history,” Peter boasted to me. Doug served almost 11 years, and Peter 12, both at Pentridge Prison, known for its strict security measures and notorious inmates.

While behind bars, Peter and Doug’s wives divorced them, and the brothers faced violence from fellow inmates and guards. Doug told me that there were times he wanted to kill himself but found strength by pretending he was a tough-as-nails John Wayne character. He also developed a mantra: “Hang yourself on Thursday.” Meaning give it a few days—by then you’ll forget what was so depressing.

During our conversations, both Peter and Doug expressed remorse for their criminal acts, attributing them to youthful stupidity. “I have a chronic guilty conscience of what I did, on all levels,” Peter said. Doug posts videos of himself on Facebook that often delve into his feelings of regret. He records them the moment he wakes up, which he says is when his thoughts are clearest. Some are strikingly raw and poetic, such as his memory of standing on a hilltop before a robbery, watching a town’s “streetlights flicker on, the smoke escaping from the chimneys, the people keeping warm, innocently going about their business.”

He concludes: “I never forgot sitting there on that hill and how peaceful the town was. But I was not a bringer of peace. I was a bringer of grief.”

Today, Doug leads tours of the old prison where he did his stretch, which ceased operations in 1997. Parts of the facility have been remade into the ritzy Interlude hotel, where guests stay in converted-cell suites and take a dip in the softly lit subterranean swimming pool. Doug told me that tourists often ask questions about the time he served: “What was it like?” “How did you make it through?” Doug might say something glib in the moment, but then chew over his response for days until he falls upon something closer to the truth.

Peter despises that his brother is a tour guide, calling him a “show pony.” But Doug told me that he doesn’t do it for the fame or the money. He says that he enjoys meeting people and talking to them. Often, after a tour, he’ll go to a chic bar inside the old prison called the BrewDog, where he’s served free beer, and swap stories with the people from his tours—locals, foreign tourists, even a cop once.

Doug likes to present himself as a loner. He’s had girlfriends since prison, but he told me that he never lets them spend the night. He took up painting behind bars and likes to capture scenes of isolation: a red mug in the corner of a white room, Ned Kelly seated alone in darkness, a tumbledown shack on a barren plain. The bush features prominently in Doug’s artwork, and he romanticizes his time alone there, running from the law.

But there are signs that he craves real community. After his release from prison, he got interested in charity work and became a Salvation Army volunteer. He still takes on construction jobs, even at the age of 70, because he enjoys mentoring younger carpenters. And he posts video diaries online, reaching into the ether for connection.

Peter told me that his parents were never affectionate. He recalled one time sitting in the back seat of the car with his mother, grandmother, and brother. “I pretended to be asleep so I could lean against my grandmother and get cuddled,” Peter said. “I got that from my grandmother, not my mother.” Perhaps somewhere in that Rosebud-like memory lies the origin of the Morgan brothers’ intense rivalry: Maybe as boys, Doug and Peter had to compete for scarce attention, affirmation, and love from their parents. It’s a rivalry that has lasted their whole lives. It didn’t surprise me, then, to hear that Peter, too, had tried his hand at painting, and was endeavoring to get a charity startup off the ground.

Both men were hobbled by leg injuries sustained during their nighttime bush escapes, but apart from a matching limp, the twins are no longer identical. Doug wears his brown hair long and has a tangled beard; Peter is mostly bald, with a neat white mustache. Peter, who retired from construction, told me that Doug’s Facebook videos are ruining the quiet life he tried to create for himself. Doug frequently portrays Peter as an egomaniac trapped in his gangster past. He points to Peter’s use of “ADB” in his email address, short for After Dark Bandit. Peter told me that he chose ADB because “AfterDarkBandit” was already taken—by Doug.

Peter claims that Doug was just his “gopher” and “sidekick” during the robberies, and yet Doug, because of his charity work, painting, and prison tours, has spent more time in the limelight in recent years than Peter has. Peter is planning to write a memoir, titled The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth. Doug, of course, is considering a memoir of his own.

The final competition between the Morgan brothers is over their legacy, as each man seeks to prove who was the better thief and who became the better man. Their feud has reached its climax; neither brother knows where the other lives.

On a cloudy day in Melbourne in December 2023, Doug led his son, Michael, along with Michael’s wife and son, on a private tour through Pentridge’s B division, where the ground floor has been preserved. Doug walked his grandson into a small, dimly lit cell. “That’s your whole life,” Doug said. “You lived there all day. How would you like that for being a bank robber?”

Michael was shocked by the tour. “I never expected it to be so barbaric,” he told Doug. “From the outside, I don’t know what I expected. It just wasn’t this. These old, tiny, shitty cells.” It was the first time Michael had been past the visiting area. As a kid, he relished prison visits with his dad. “They take you down the path in the building, down to the garden, and these big old metal doors open,” Michael remembered. “It was always joyful, because in the garden I got to see my dad. He’d always have a Crunch bar for me.”

Doug, too, felt joy when his son visited, but a sense of melancholy, too. He told me about the time Michael pulled a tee out of his pocket, because his new stepdad was teaching him how to play golf. “I look at it and I go, ‘Well, if I was still a free man, he would be playing football, but now another man is raising my son,’ ” Doug said. “That’s when I realized a lot about the cost of crime.”

Michael is a successful salesman and marketing manager. I asked him if he’d ever thought about how he’d managed to break the cycle of crime that started with his grandfather. He said that he never really considered a life on the wrong side of the law. Sure, he’d felt a little rebellious toward the police as a kid, having witnessed them ransack his home searching for Doug—much like what Doug had experienced when law enforcement came looking for Kay. But Michael also experienced the consequences of crime, the visits to Pentridge where he could see his dad but never leave with him. “You have to live it,” he said, “[seeing] your parent in prison.”

Then Michael smirked. “It’s too hard these days anyway,” he added. He meant robbing banks.


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The Good Traitor

The Good Traitor

The Nazis feared journalist Carl von Ossietzky so much they sent him to a concentration camp. Could winning the Nobel Peace Prize save his life?

By Kate McQueen

The Atavist Magazine, No. 157


Kate McQueen is a writer, editor, and researcher who specializes in literary journalism. She is editorial director of the Pollen Initiative, a nonprofit that creates and supports media centers inside prisons. Her writing has appeared in Alta Journal, JSTOR Daily, Journalism History, and Literary Journalism Studies, among other publications.

Editor: Jonah Ogles
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Josie Le Blond
Illustrator: Gregori Saavedra

Published in November 2024.


ONE

The first time Carl von Ossietzky disappeared inside a prison, a crowd of supporters cheered him on. It was a sunny Tuesday in May 1932. Several friends had escorted the journalist across Berlin. They fastened black, red, and gold streamers to their cars and departed from the west-side offices of Die Weltbühne (The World Stage), the left-leaning magazine Ossietzky edited. As they paraded slowly toward Tegel Prison, in the north of the city, the colors of the German Republic fluttered around them in traffic.

In a wooded area outside the prison’s main gates, about 100 intellectual celebrities, sympathetic journalists, and general well-wishers had gathered in solidarity. The crowd violated Berlin’s ban on large group gatherings, enacted to quell violence between extremists on Germany’s left and right, but writer Kurt Grossman, the secretary of the German League of Human Rights, a pacifist organization of which Ossietzky was a member, persuaded the police to keep patrols away from the area for 90 minutes. Ossietzky could take his time bidding his audience farewell. “I’m not surrendering,” he said. In prison, he insisted, he would “remain a living demonstration against a judgment from the highest court.”

Fourteen months earlier, the 42-year-old editor had been charged with treason for publishing an article about the German Air Force’s rearmament efforts, which were in violation of the Treaty of Versailles. The treaty forbade Germany from accumulating war matériel or maintaining more than a small defense-oriented military. The facts of the rearmament were not widely known until Die Weltbühne’s story ran. In turn, the military accused both Ossietzky and the author of the article, Walter Kreiser, of betraying their country.

Die Weltbühne’s circulation was small but its readership influential; this included thought leaders in politics and culture both in Germany and beyond its borders. Anticipating international outcry, the German Foreign Office expressed doubts about prosecuting the two men, but the state attorney proceeded with a closed-door trial anyway. For two days, Ossietzky and Kreiser sat side by side in a vast empty gallery, listening to the echoes of lawyers’ competing voices. “Uncanny, such a theater without an audience,” Ossietzky later wrote. The men were ultimately convicted of a lesser charge—publishing military secrets—and sentenced to 18 months’ imprisonment. They were given until early May 1932 to hand themselves over to the authorities. Kreiser fled Germany to avoid doing time. Ossietzky made a point of staying.

Ossi, as his friends called him, was a small, quiet man with a high forehead, a long narrow nose, and knife-thin lips. His striking face made him easy to caricature, and newspapers often did just that. He tended to cast his eyes down at the floor during casual conversation, holding a lit cigarette between gently shaking fingers. His reserve, coupled with the “von” in his last name, which was traditionally a marker of noble lineage, caused strangers to mistake him for an aristocrat. But Ossietzky came from a working-class neighborhood in Hamburg. He barely finished secondary school, and then worked listlessly as a clerk in Hamburg’s judicial administration until 1914. His experience serving in the Great War cemented his commitment to peace and galvanized his interest in writing. He relocated to Berlin in 1919, where he became secretary for the German Peace Society and gained acclaim as a political commentator who argued against militarism and for democracy.

Journalists, he believed, ought “to hold a mirror up to the times” and be “the conscience of the day.” Week after week, Ossietzky turned out articles that vibrated with energy. His colleague Rudolf Arnheim once said that Ossietzky could interest even the most unpolitical readers in the country’s fate because his “thoughts [were] not brought forward with jargon but rather in a language in which one can describe flowers, music, and women.” Ossietzky’s articles were those of an advocate for a fledgling democracy stretched to the breaking point by increasingly radical political factions. He didn’t want the young republic to die on his watch.

After Ossietzky took over Die Weltbühne in 1927, he spent long hours working in shirtsleeves amid messy piles of papers at the magazine’s office. He was the kind of editor who preferred pencil stubs to red pens, who remembered to buy the printing crew beer and sausages. Under his leadership, Die Weltbühne published pieces from across the political left, a fact that exasperated contributors who wished he’d hew to a more radical line. The magazine became a necessary if solitary stage for those not strictly aligned with Germany’s leading workers’ parties. 

One frequent topic of discussion in its pages was Germany’s militarism, an original sin that had led the country into the Great War and paved the way for incipient fascism. This got the publication in trouble more than once with state authorities. Prior to Ossietzky’s 1931 trial, Die Weltbühne had already faced a lawsuit over its coverage of the Schwarze Reichswehr, a right-wing paramilitary group that carried out numerous vigilante killings in the early 1920s. The magazine’s articles pressured Germany’s Department of Justice to prosecute the murderers and embarrassed the military, which had denied the existence of underground armed groups even as it sanctioned their activities. Later, the military insisted that another charge be brought against Die Weltbühne, this time for publishing a commentary declaring that “soldiers are murderers.”

The terms of Ossietzky’s punishment for publishing military secrets jarred his friends and admirers. People convicted of high-profile political crimes in Germany were often given festungshaft (fortress confinement), a more comfortable form of imprisonment. Such was the case for Adolf Hitler following the 1923 Beer Hall Putsch; while incarcerated, he had permission to receive visitors, and it was during that period that he wrote Mein Kampf. Yet the court ordered Ossietzky to serve his time in a common prison alongside thieves and murderers. Justice, many on Germany’s left grumbled, was only blind in the right eye.

Ossietzky insisted that his sentence was in keeping with the principles of his profession. “They may condemn us, today, tomorrow, the day after, [and] we will accept it,” he once wrote. “But our pride will be in … becoming more energetic, sharper, denser and tougher. That’s why we are journalists.” His stance inspired fellow members of the press.

Though it had not been his goal, by overseeing coverage of Germany’s militarism and facing judgment for it, Ossietzky also became a symbol for the German peace movement—and for those opposed to fascism. “If you want to fight effectively against the corrupt spirit of a nation,” he told a Die Weltbühne contributor, “you must share its fate.”

The day Ossietzky reported for his sentence, he made a final promise: When his friends saw him again, he would be “released but not reformed.” Hat in hand, he waved to the crowd and allowed himself to be swallowed by the prison’s redbrick walls.

“If you want to fight effectively against the corrupt spirit of a nation,” Ossietzky told a Die Weltbühne contributor, “you must share its fate.”

His freshly painted cell with its stone floor reminded Ossietzky of a bathroom. The food the prison gave him was meager. He needed a doctor’s permission to smoke, and was limited to ten cigarettes per day. But the situation wasn’t too terrible, he told his wife, Maud. He could read and write, at least. Ossietzky penned countless letters to supporters and to Die Weltbühne’s contributors. He drafted articles, smuggled out of Tegel by one of his lawyers, that were published under the pseudonym Thomas Murner. And he wrote to Maud with dozens of small requests: books, soap, lanolin for shaving, shoelaces, handkerchiefs, underwear. Sometimes he asked for paper, other times for envelopes.

Maud, a tiny Anglo-Indian woman with enormous brown eyes, did not have a battle-axe sensibility. She passed on many of Ossietzky’s requests to the magazine’s gruff but efficient operations manager, Hedwig Hünicke, whom one staff member referred to, with equal parts love and fear, as the “corset rods” of the publication.

Die Weltbühne forged ahead thanks to Hünicke and Hellmut von Gerlach, Ossietzky’s close friend and a longtime colleague in the peace movement. Gerlach was in his sixties, with a graying goatee and a boyish sense of humor. His weekly editorials drew on his wealth of experience as a journalist, a former politician, and the current chair of the German League of Human Rights. Gerlach supervised the production of 42 issues of the magazine in Ossietzky’s absence, publishing work by a dozen well-known male contributors and a few women, who wrote under male pseudonyms. 

Gerlach’s decades-younger companion, Milly Zirker, was one of those women. The fashionable Zirker worked as an editor for the daily 8 Uhr Abendblatt and wrote political commentary for Die Weltbühne under the name Johannes Bückler. According to Gerlach, Zirker was as tough in person as she was with words; she is said to have saved his life once during an antiwar protest that turned violent. Hilde Walter was another no-nonsense Die Weltbühne contributor, who wrote articles on unions and women’s issues. Friends described Walter as assertive and opinionated, but not ambitious or vain; sometimes rude but always honest.

In addition to keeping its own doors open, Die Weltbühne assisted the German League of Human Rights and the German branch of the PEN Club with collecting 42,036 signatures in support of a reduction in Ossietzky’s sentence. The petition failed, but Ossietzky was released early anyway as part of a mass amnesty pushed through parliament by an unusual alliance of representatives from the Nazi, Communist, and Social Democratic Parties. Ossietzky walked out of Tegel on December 22, after seven months and 12 days behind bars. He would not be free for long.


The second time Ossietzky disappeared into state custody, it was under guard in the dark morning hours of February 28, 1933. Hitler had been appointed chancellor four weeks prior, though the Nazis had not yet achieved a parliamentary majority. Elections were scheduled for March 5. Representatives of the German League of Human Rights knew that Ossietzky was on the Nazis’ arrest list, prepared in anticipation of the moment when the party gained full control of the government. Robert M.W. Kempner, a Berlin public prosecutor who would later become the U.S. chief counsel at the Nuremberg Trials, was one of many people who urged Ossietzky to leave the country. Just a few more days, Ossietzky said. He would wait until the election was over.

On the evening of February 27, Ossietzky sat quietly with close friends and listened to a radio report about an arson attack on the Reichstag. Then he returned home to Maud. The couple tried to sleep but couldn’t. They got up in the middle of the night and drank coffee, as if expecting the knock that eventually came at 3:30 a.m.

As the Reichstag smoldered, Hitler’s government used the incident as a pretext for exerting unprecedented powers. It ordered law enforcement to round up critics. The police came for socialists, pacifists, clergy members, lawyers, professors, artists, journalists, and writers. Under the watchful eyes of two officers, Ossietzky pulled on his clothes and told a terrified Maud not to worry. “Head up! I’ll be back soon,” he said. Maud, shocked by the night’s events, told herself that nothing too terrible could happen; after all, her husband had done nothing wrong.

Ossietzky was taken to police headquarters at Alexanderplatz. The corridors were packed with people under so-called protective custody. Members of parliament and the Constitutional Court, newspaper editors and novelists, peace activists and academics—all stood shoulder to shoulder. “The entirety of cultural bolshevism,” Egon Erwin Kisch, a flashy socialist reporter from Prague with a chest famously covered in tattoos, later marveled. “Everyone knew each other, and every time the police dragged in another one, we all greeted him.”

The guards were not the usual civil servants with shiny-elbowed suits, but animated young men with swastikas emblazoned on their arm bands. They addressed the detainees insolently and punctuated their commands with insults. Scumbags! Dirty swine! Eventually, they marched the large group to a single cramped cell in the basement.

A day later, the detainees were shuttled to the city’s old military prisons, which had been repurposed by the newly formed Geheime Staatspolizei, better known as the Gestapo. The days dragged on. In letters to Maud, Ossietzky put up a brave front. “My dearest Maudie,” he wrote. “I’ve been brought under sensibly; the cell is large and airy, the guards are friendly—there is no reason to complain. You shouldn’t fear that I’m doing poorly. Gradually I’ve gotten used to any situation I find myself in.” He encouraged her to rely on Hünicke, who already had ample practice arranging Ossietzky’s affairs.

By March 11, a steady flow of men had surfaced from the cells—the well-connected, people deemed minor players by the Nazis, and holders of foreign passports. Among them was Kisch, who emerged to a reception area full of wives desperate for news. He was promptly deported.

Many other political prisoners, including Ossietzky, waited another three weeks to learn their fate. Finally they were placed in chains, loaded into transport vehicles, and driven to the train station. There they were squeezed into boxcars and carried east, to a concentration camp.

TWO

Within days of the Reichstag fire, Die Weltbühne’s ranks had thinned dramatically. The magazine was prohibited from publishing, and many of its contributors fled to neighboring countries as quickly as trains and private cars could carry them.

By mid-March, Hünicke and Walter were about the only friends of Ossietzky’s remaining in Berlin who were willing and able to help him. They knew that the Gestapo was watching them. The authorities searched the magazine’s office in the first week of March, combing through files and confiscating boxes of papers. Officers unsuccessfully hassled Hünicke to name the people behind the magazine’s writers’ many pseudonyms. The police also raided Walter’s unit in Die Künstlerkolonie (the Artist’s Colony), a massive Art Deco complex in the Wilmersdorf neighborhood that offered affordable housing to the mostly left-leaning members of Berlin’s writers’ and stage-workers’ guilds. Officers blocked off major streets to the complex, used fire-engine ladders to enter upper-floor apartments via the balconies, and proceeded to arrest known Communists and confiscate Marxist literature.      

Walter sensed that the Nazis were not taking her and Hünicke very seriously, at least not yet. They had not arrested her, despite the fact that she was Jewish, a liberal journalist, and a card-carrying member of the anti-fascist German Social Democratic Party. She and Hünicke, who was not Jewish, decided that they would use their relative freedom, however long it lasted, to aid Ossietzky and his family.

Maud, in particular, presented a problem. Her mental health was rapidly deteriorating. She drank heavily, and Walter suspected she had been hallucinating when she reported that police had searched her home. Hünicke and Walter decided to send her to a sanatorium in one of the city’s lake-filled suburbs. Then they arranged for Rosalinde, the Ossietzkys’ 12-year-old daughter, to leave for England. In order to draw less attention to the departure, Maud stood at the end of the platform and nodded to the crying girl as her train left the station.

Everything cost money: Maud’s care, Rosalinde’s schooling, packages of food, cigarettes, and newspapers that Ossietzky managed to request from prison. Hünicke extracted some cash from what was left of Die Weltbühne’s unseized funds, but it wasn’t enough. Hünicke and Walter wrote letters to the expatriated German left and to sympathizers in England and the U.S., soliciting money. They hoped it might keep the family afloat. Soon they would need it to save Ossietzky’s life.

Ossietzky was one of the roughly 40,000 opponents of the Nazi regime who were rounded up in Prussia, Germany’s largest and most populous state, in the first few months of 1933. To house so many new detainees, the Nazis requisitioned abandoned factories, underused schools, military barracks, crumbling castles, and aging detention facilities. The 100-year-old prison compound known as Sonnenburg had closed in 1931 because of dangerous sanitary conditions. But there were cellblocks available to be filled, and by the first week of April, transports from Berlin began to arrive. In short order, the prison was occupied by a thousand men, including Ossietzky.

Once the detainees had exited the trains, locals in the town where Sonnenburg was located watched as officers beat the men with truncheons and forced them to sing the German national anthem while marching to their confinement. Some of the cells were without chairs or beds, so the men squatted on the cold ground or leaned against damp, mildewed walls. What sleep they managed to get was on piles of rotting straw. Their water came from a well in a courtyard, and they relieved themselves in chamber pots. 

The Gestapo administered Sonnenburg, but the prison was guarded by divisions from the paramilitary Sturmabteilung (SA), whose members were known as brownshirts. The SA filled its ranks with fascism’s truest believers, men eager to take advantage of extrajudicial power. SA officers forced prisoners to sing Nazi songs and perform what was euphemistically called exercise. For hours each day, the men were required to lie on the ground, stand up, lie down and stand up, over and over again, until they were exhausted. Those who fainted or whose bodies gave out got a boot to the belly or a fist in the face.

Ossietzky deteriorated quickly in these conditions; he was often too weak to stand. He would lie without protest as drunken officers beat him and screamed, “You Polish pig, die already!”

Because the Nazis considered Ossietzky a traitor for Die Weltbühne’s revelations about Germany’s rearmament efforts, he was among those subjected to heightened cruelty. He was made to dig his own grave, on the pretext of being shot. He always seemed to be on latrine duty, forced to carry chamber pots at nose level across the prison yard. It took just six days at Sonnenburg for him to suffer his first heart attack.

Ossietzky’s few, sparse letters to Maud revealed nothing of this treatment—they had to pass through censors, after all—but press coverage of the camps was not encouraging to those worried about his fate. Journalists from the U.S. and England had taken a particular interest in the sudden disappearance of a large swath of the German left. Thanks largely to the testimony of released or escaped prisoners, word of the tortures at Sonnenburg trickled out: Detainees with lice were forced to pull out their pubic hair by the roots. Prisoners knelt while officers pricked their naked buttocks and sex organs with pins.

Reporters demanded to see the more famous political prisoners, wanting proof that they were alive. The braver corners of what remained of the free German press produced reports about Sonnenburg, regularly referencing Ossietzky’s detention. Among them was Die Neue Weltbühne, a version of Ossietzky’s magazine produced in exile, first from Vienna and then from Prague.

Critical coverage, no matter how minor, chafed at the Nazi government. But since Hitler’s regime was still eager to remain in the good graces of the democratic world, the government agreed to occasional press tours. One of the journalists who visited Sonnenburg in May 1933 was the Hearst Press Group correspondent Hubert Renfro Knickerbocker. A beanpole of a Texan with red hair, Knickerbocker had a talent for interviews, even with a subject as shifty as Joseph Goebbels, the Nazi’s minister of propaganda. Following a dinner conversation with Knickerbocker, in March 1932, Goebbels complained in his diary of feeling “squeezed dry like a lemon.” Still, Knickerbocker was extended an invitation to tour Sonnenburg, along with his bespectacled colleague, Louis P. Lochner, the Berlin bureau chief of the Associated Press.

The day of the visit, every cell door was thrown open. Prisoners were forced to sing work songs refashioned with fascist lyrics. Reporters were invited to ask any question of anyone, so long as it was under supervision. No one uttered a bad word about their captors.

Knickerbocker and Lochner had been on friendly terms with Ossietzky for years and sought him out. Questions about his treatment drew stiff, nonspecific responses. Then Knickerbocker broached the subject of books—what kind would Ossietzky request if it were possible for him to receive them? Lochner took note of a puckish smile that crossed Ossietzky’s face. “I think medieval history would be very apropos,” he dared to say.

Ossietzky would lie without protest as drunken officers beat him and screamed, “You Polish pig, die already!”

When the first opportunity for a family visit to Sonnenburg arose, in May 1933, Walter borrowed a car, drove Maud to the prison, and walked with Ossietzky’s wife to the visitors’ entrance. The young guard at the gate mistook the “von” in Maud’s last name as a sign that she was a member of Germany’s upper class, and assumed Walter was hired help. He allowed both women in. 

Once inside they watched Ossietzky approach across the wide, deserted prison yard. “Ossietzky could only move with great effort, with small, obviously painful steps,” Walter later wrote. “Both of his arms hung stiffly at his shoulders, as if his limbs were splinted, almost motionless … and his cervical vertebrae were tightly wrapped in a stiff gray soldier’s neckband, which prevented him from turning his head even a few centimeters to the right or left.” His body looked skeletal. Walter found his rigid expression during their short, near wordless encounter heartbreaking.

“How are you?” the women asked.

He answered in monotone, but with a meaningful pause: “Things are OK… for the moment.”

In his 1950 memoir, gestapo chief Rudolf Diels recalls hearing from Ossietzky’s friends and supporters about the conditions at Sonnenburg and feeling obliged to visit the prison himself. Contemporaries thought Diels was more of an opportunist than a fanatic. Prior to 1933, he had worked for the Prussian Ministry of the Interior and regularly socialized with left-leaning civil servants. He did not have the taste for cruelty that animated large swaths of his agency and the SA. And he did not brace himself for Sonnenburg. He later described it as a place from a demonic dream that made his blood run cold.

Upon entering the prison, Diels demanded to see Willi Kasper, a Prussian state representative for the German Communist Party who was being held there. Diels was escorted to a dungeon-like cell, where at the shout of “Attention!” men in tattered clothes slowly raised themselves to stand. Their swollen heads looked like pumpkins, Diels thought, and their faces were yellow, green, and blue. Welts and clotted blood speckled exposed skin. Kasper was unable to speak, his face contorted in tearless sobs. When Diels saw Ossietzky, the journalist dared to ask in a weak voice that someone rescue him from this hell.


In October 1933, Maud’s sanatorium closed after its Jewish owner was hounded into emigration. Maud was then packed off to distant relations in Hamburg. Walter’s apartment was searched again and again. In November, the Gestapo confiscated correspondence showing that she had been seeking funds on Ossietzky’s behalf. Walter didn’t need to be told to leave: She fled to Paris, leaving Hünicke as Ossietzky’s last close friend in enemy territory.

There were already more than 59,000 German refugees in France, including Gerlach and Zirker. Many in Paris gravitated to artist-friendly Montparnasse and neighborhoods along the Left Bank. Some found shelter in crumbling hotels. Others rented furnished apartments in shabby working-class buildings, sharing hallway bathrooms with masons and shop assistants. Many lived precariously, lightheaded with hunger, their shoes slowly falling to pieces.

Walter found a room at 59 Rue Froidevaux, across the street from the Montparnasse Cemetery. It was an easy walk to Rue Jean Dolent, where the German League of Human Rights kept a tiny office, occupied by Gerlach, Zirker, and a young law student turned volunteer named Konrad Reisner. Zirker served as Gerlach’s secretary while also playing a leading role with the Association of German Journalists in Exile.

From Paris, Gerlach, Zirker, Walter, and Reisner began their first attempts to rescue Ossietzky. They started with legal channels. In early 1934, they tried to hire Alfons Sack to represent Ossietzky and push for his release. Sack was a far-right lawyer who had effectively defended one of the men accused of plotting the Reichstag fire. He turned them down.

Ossietzky had well-connected supporters in London, including playwright Ernst Toller, peace activist Otto Lehmann-Russbüldt, and Ossietzky’s former lawyer, Rudolf Olden, and his wife, Ika. They all made attempts at backdoor political influence. With their help, Gerlach asked the Countess Fanny Wilamowitz-Moellendorff, sister-in-law of Hermann Göring, the second most powerful Nazi, to advocate for amnesty, but was told Hitler opposed the idea.

Lord Ponsoby, an English Labour member of Parliament with contacts in the German Embassy in London, funneled updates on Ossietzky’s health to his friends. Wickham Steed, the former editor of the London Times, published the first major public letter about Ossietzky in his old paper. “He is the symbol of a living protest against tyranny,” Steed wrote. “If it is too much to hope for his release, his claim to the sympathy of the civilized world ought not, I think, go entirely unheard.”

Nothing worked. The efforts at diplomatic and legal intervention went nowhere, as did the influence campaign. Ossietzky remained at Sonnenburg, deteriorating by the day. Fearing the worst, his friends decided to get creative.

THREE

The suggestion first appeared in the pages of the Pariser Tageblatt, produced by and for German exiles in France. On April 16, 1934, editor in chief Georg Bernhard made the case that Ossietzky should be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Days earlier, the Nobel committee had announced that there would be no winner for 1932. It had been a relatively common occurrence since 1914; in the chaotic years after World War I began, eight passed without a winner. But to skip another year without emphasizing the importance of peace, Bernhard ventured, would be a mistake. He urged the committee to look beyond the usual candidates: signatories of treaties, famous politicians, founders of influential organizations. If the prize was a metaphor for peace, who better to receive it than someone suffering for the cause—someone like Ossietzky?

Many of Ossietzky’s supporters quickly rallied behind the idea, hoping that the Nazis would be more likely to release Ossietzky if he won the prize. Gerlach followed Bernhard’s editorial with one of his own. “Before he became a journalist, he was general secretary of the German Peace Society,” Gerlach wrote of Ossietzky. “As a journalist, he championed the idea of ​​peace without wavering. As editor of the Weltbühne he led the fight against the armament of Germany in violation of the treaty.”

Some supporters took the suggestion as a direct call to action. One month after Bernhard’s editorial appeared, Ossietzky’s longtime friend Berthold Jacob sent a nomination letter to Oslo on behalf of the Strasbourg chapter of the German League of Human Rights. Kurt Grossman, who had once convinced the police to let Ossietzky say goodbye to his friends outside Tegel prison, did the same from exile in Prague.

Both men received polite letters of decline. The deadline for submitting nominations for 1934 had already passed. Besides, they learned, only a handful of people were allowed to nominate candidates: former Peace Prize recipients; members of the Nobel committee; members of international governing bodies, the international court in the Hague, or leading peace organizations; and professors of law, history, or philosophy. If Jacob and Grossman wished to secure a nomination for Ossietzky, they had until the prize’s next deadline, the following January, to find a qualified person to submit one.

The rejections provided something of a road map for action by Ossietzky’s friends. “We wanted to save this courageous and in every way excellent man, if possible, from death,” Konrad Reisner wrote years later. Of course, there was no guarantee that a nomination or even being awarded the prize would get Ossietzky out of prison. Still, it might send a message. “It was an incredible chance to deliver a resounding slap in the face to the hated, accursed criminals who had taken possession of our country,” Reisner wrote.

Not everyone in Ossietzky’s network was convinced that embarking on a Nobel campaign would be worth it. Among the skeptics was Walter. She worried that, because Ossietzky wasn’t as well-known as past recipients, it would take considerable work to raise his profile and get the right people in his corner. She also feared that his candidacy could backfire: Too much chatter from the German left in exile could infuriate the Nazis, who might punish Ossietzky for it. And if the Nazis found out that Ossietzky’s friends were behind the effort, they could easily discredit the campaign as a public relations stunt.

Walter agreed to set aside her misgivings under one key condition: Support for Ossietzky’s candidacy could not appear orchestrated by people who knew him. It needed to seem organic and independent, embraced by the public and by official nominators, ideally in countries likely to hold some influence with the Nazis. Only then, Walter believed, could Ossietzky’s supporters hope to exert moral pressure on Hitler’s government, possibly leading to their friend’s release from custody.

The next deadline was just eight months away—there was no time to waste. Walter and Gerlach reached out to their networks in the U.S., which included two Princeton professors, Albert Einstein and Otto Nathan. Einstein, the 1921 Nobel Prize winner in physics, had been a leading member of the League of Human Rights in his Berlin days, and while not himself eligible to nominate Ossietzky, he had enviable professional connections. Nathan, an economist, was similarly well-positioned and was able to provide an essential lift: the financial support to employ a full-time organizer of the behind-the-scenes work by Ossietzky’s inner circle.

This informal group of a few dozen supporters, scattered across Europe and the U.S., would come to call themselves Freundeskreis Ossietzkys, or Ossietzky’s Circle of Friends. It included Gerlach, Zirker, and Reisner in Paris, Grossman in Prague, and Hünicke in Berlin. From London, Toller, Lehmann-Russbüldt, and the Oldens played pivotal roles. The paid organizer was Hilde Walter.

If the prize was a metaphor for peace, who better to receive it than someone suffering for the cause—someone like Ossietzky?

By the time the Circle of Friends began to coordinate its efforts, Sonnenburg had closed as a prison, and its detainees were transferred to labor camps newly designed by the Nazis. In February 1934, Ossietzky and hundreds of others arrived at Esterwegen. The camp was one among a constellation of detention sites in Germany’s Emsland region, sunk into the moors 19 miles from the Dutch border. The prisoners’ burden was to support a massive 120,000-acre wetland reclamation project.

Esterwegen housed up to 1,000 prisoners in wooden barracks organized in two orderly rows, with a street running down the center. The SS called it Hitler Alley; prisoners knew it as the Alley of Sighs. Every morning, officers marched the prisoners through the alley and into the humid, waterlogged fields, where they were forced to dig, using only picks and spades, a minimum of 13 cubic yards daily. Men who failed to meet the daily quota risked violent punishment. (The prisoners became known, among themselves and later in popular culture, as the moorsoldaten, or “peat bog soldiers.” Their field songs would soon rally the Republicans of the Spanish Civil War and symbolize resistance to fascism across Europe.)

Already weakened from the abuse at Sonnenburg, Ossietzky relied on the help of fellow prisoners. They called him Carlchen, their “little Carl.” Out on the moors, they would place him in the middle of a row so the men alongside him could help him dig his quota. Tougher prisoners acted as human shields, placing themselves between Ossietzky and a beating. A former taxi-company operator and boxer from Berlin named Georg Schmidt sometimes followed Ossietzky around like a bodyguard, watching over him during even the briefest cigarette breaks.

Still, Ossietzky’s fragile body often gave out, and he spent weeks at a time in the sick bay. Nazi records did not reflect his declining condition. Reporting to the German Foreign Office just days before Ossietzky’s transfer to Esterwegen in February 1934, Gestapo representatives noted that his “health, according to the camp doctor’s professional opinion, has by no means worsened during his imprisonment, but rather improved.” Seven months later, Esterwegen’s doctor made a similar report: “Current illnesses: none, feels fine. Up until now had no complaints…. Healthy and capable of working. Has not suffered any accidents here.”

Ossietzky was often placed on what was known as household duty. He swept and dusted the barracks. He peeled potatoes in the kitchen. When no guards were around, he read aloud from newspapers until someone whispered, “Achtzehn!” The German word for the number 18 sounded very much like achtung (danger). Achtzehn was the code word for approaching guards. 

Fellow prisoners liked to hear Ossietzky talk. Many hailed from the working classes and participated in labor movements, and Ossietzky’s eloquence on political matters was a special treat. “It was always an experience for us to listen to him, discuss things with him, ask him questions and sometimes hear what he had to say in response to our objections,” prisoner Hubert Serwe later said. “He gave more than he could receive from us.

Ossietzky sometimes joined Theodor Haubach and Wilhelm Lueschner, former representatives in the Reichstag, in discussing literature. They talked animatedly, until they heard the soft call—

Achtzehn!

Sometimes the men would pretend that they were on Berlin’s Kurfürstendamm, their old stomping grounds. They’d meet at Kempinski’s, maybe, order the roast beef, and continue their discussions over a nightcap under the vault-like ceilings of the Romanisches Café—

Achtzehn!

Even in the sick bay, surrounded by emaciated leaders of Germany’s Workers Party, Ossietzky was tempted to make dark jokes: “Now that just about everyone is gathered here, we could form a provisional government”—

Achtzehn!

By all accounts, Ossietzky never talked about his experience at the camp, in letters or with other prisoners. He preferred to discuss the news, politics. When a topic interested him, prisoner Alfred Bender remembered, “Despite his tattered health, everything in him became lively.” Bender sometimes thought it would be wiser to try out some frivolous, less strenuous chatter. No luck. It was impossible, Bender admitted, to have a pedestrian conversation with Ossietzky.


From mid-1934 to early 1935, the campaign for Ossietzky’s Nobel candidacy gained steam. The flow of letters was constant—hundreds of messages written by or to the Circle of Friends, delivered from or sent to France, England, the U.S., Norway, Sweden, Switzerland, and Czechoslovakia. Letters of introduction. Letters of request. Letters of instruction. Letters that in some places could be confiscated from homes, be intercepted in the post, or fall into the wrong hands, alerting the Nazis to what the Circle of Friends was up to and endangering Ossietzky’s life.

As coordinator of the campaign, Walter was a direct but careful communicator. She did what she could to maintain secrecy and urged others to do the same. Her letters were laced with warnings that increased in urgency as time went on: “Confidential.” “Extremely confidential!” “Interesting for us internally but under no circumstances for publicity.” “Confidential! Read alone!! Don’t show anyone!!!” Walter knew that the key to success was keeping the Circle of Friends’ involvement in making Ossietzky a Nobel candidate hidden from the Nazis.

The Circle of Friends and its closest advisers drummed up several nominations before the submission deadline. Einstein, Nathan, and Oswald Garrison Villard, the former editor of The Nation, helped recruit Jane Addams to the cause. The 1931 Nobel Peace Prize laureate, Addams had founded the Women’s International League for Peace and Freedom and was one of ten cofounders of the American Civil Liberties Union. She was joined in nominating Ossietzky by Harold Laski, a professor at the London School of Economics; Helene Stöcker, a German feminist and activist who was on the council of the International Peace Bureau; and Ludwig Quidde, the aged former German Peace Society president and 1927 Nobel Peace Prize laureate. Quidde provided his support reluctantly. Like Walter had been, he was concerned that Ossietzky was too much of a long shot to win the prize, and that nominating him could threaten his safety.

Another nomination came from V. Emil Scherer, a member of the Swiss parliament. “No other advocate for the idea of ​​peace has had to suffer as much,” he wrote. It would be nice, he added, “if the Nobel Prize were awarded not to a famous Prime Minister or Foreign Minister,” but instead to someone who distinguished himself “through loyalty and fearless work in a dangerous position.”

With several nominations secured, Walter turned her attention to increasing Ossietzky’s profile around the world, and particularly in England. The country still clung to appeasement as a viable approach to the Nazi regime, and Ossietzky’s supporters hoped that English nominations might be viewed as less politically motivated. Ossietzky, who by now had been informed of the campaign, seemed to think that this was the right strategy, too. “On the whole, he expressed the wish that everything that happens should, if possible, only happen from England,” Walter wrote, “and that publications should not be in our press, but in the bourgeois world press.”

For help, Walter turned to English journalist Amabel Williams-Ellis, who wrote a pamphlet entitled “What Was His Crime? The Case of Carl von Ossietzky.” It was distributed to influential readers and gained support from some of the most illustrious members of the English intelligentsia, including Aldous Huxley, Bertrand Russell, and Virginia Woolf.

The Circle of Friends faced setbacks. In August 1935, Gerlach died suddenly. And even the most energetic of Ossietzky’s supporters worried that the nomination would not gain traction. Willy Brandt was then a 21-year-old Socialist Workers Party organizer sheltering in Norway. Brandt hustled in Oslo to stoke interest in Ossietzky’s candidacy among journalists and members of the Norwegian parliament. By the end of September, though, he worried in a letter that too many people thought “O. is not well-known enough.”

In October 1935, Swiss diplomat Carl Jacob Burkhardt managed to enter Esterwegen on behalf of the International Red Cross. During his visit, Burkhardt asked to see Ossietzky. At first the camp commander refused, relenting only with extreme reluctance. The reason became apparent when a pair of guards emerged from the barracks carrying a small, frail man. Burkhardt stood face to face with a trembling, deathly pale Ossietzky and took heartbroken inventory: “One eye swollen, teeth apparently smashed in, dragging a broken, poorly healed leg.”

Burkhardt told Ossietzky that he had come as a representative of the Red Cross, but that he also brought greetings from Ossietzky’s friends. “I’m here, in as much as it is possible, to help you,” he said.

At first, Ossietzky said nothing as his eyes filled with tears. When he spoke, he lisped through sobs. “Thank you, tell my friends I’m at the end,” he said. “It’ll be over soon, almost finished. That’s good.” After a moment’s pause, very softly, he added, “Thank you.”

Burkhardt remained to see the five o’clock return of imprisoned workers from the moors. There were about 30 men in all, “a group full of Ossietzkys, cripples emerging from the darkness, under the light of the arching lamps.”

Burkhardt sent reports about his visit to the Nazi government. He arranged for one to be delivered to Hitler directly. There would be no plausible deniability about camp abuses on Burkhardt’s watch.

Walter also heard from numerous prisoners released from Esterwegen, who had found their way to Berlin, Prague, or Paris. She was told that the Circle of Friends’ efforts sometimes made things worse for Ossietzky. “He is said to have said to his wife: ‘The articles abroad have done me great harm,’ ” Walter wrote. “But later he was said to have thought that it might actually be a good thing after all.”

In a letter to Ika Olden, Walter reasoned that “Ossietzky would not be alive today if the international world had not shown an interest in him.” At that same time, she feared that the Nazi apparatus would let him die if the attention fell away. The day the Nobel committee made its decision, she wrote, could be “a death sentence for Ossietzky, if not enough care is taken.”

FOUR

On November 19, 1935, the Nobel committee announced that it would not award a Peace Prize that year. Whatever fears they had, Walter and Ossietzky’s other supporters decided that they had no choice but to double down in the hope of keeping Ossietzky alive. Walter quickly placed an announcement in Le Temps and Le Populaire, France’s biggest dailies, declaring that Ossietzky would be nominated for the prize again, with support from “a large number of important people in Europe and America.” The next Nobel deadline was about two months away, in January 1936.

In Paris, Ossietzky’s supporters published a star-studded appeal designed to attract attention. The 22-page document included a biographical sketch of Ossietzky’s life and a list of Esterwegen’s abhorrent conditions. Heinrich Mann, the German novelist—elder brother of Thomas—provided a foreword. So did journalist and historian Konrad Heiden, one of the first chroniclers of the Nazi era. An appendix shared letters of support from, among others, Einstein, Wickham Steed, and Romain Roland, the beloved French writer and winner of the 1915 Nobel Prize in Literature. Hundreds of copies were sent to professors and members of parliament in nine countries.

Soon, nominations began inundating the Nobel committee. One came from 63 members of France’s Parliament, who cosigned a statement saying, “For millions of people around the world, Ossiesky [sic] is a living symbol of the intrepid struggle for peace.” Leo Polack, a professor of philosophy from the University of Groningen in the Netherlands, wrote, “Carl von Ossietzky dedicated his life to international pacifism in the spirit of the prize, even to the point of martyrdom.”

Serendipitous timing may have boosted the campaign’s efforts. The world’s eyes were trained with particular intensity on Germany in 1936, as it hosted both the winter and summer Olympics. The Nazis had hoped to make the events a showcase for their “new” Germany, but as the international press descended for the Winter Games in February, journalists noted the overbearing presence of soldiers and the signs barring Jews from entering villages—worrying indicators to the international community that all was not well in Germany.

Meanwhile, Ossietzky’s health had worsened. Karl Wloch, a journalist for the communist newspaper Die Rote Fahne who was interned at Esterwegen in 1936, was “shocked to his core” the first time he met Ossietzky. “What I saw living on that sack of hay were just his eyes; he hardly moved his mouth when he asked me short questions,” Wloch later said. “I had to listen carefully in order to understand him.” Ossietzky asked for the latest news from Berlin and listened closely as Wloch reported what he knew. “He wasn’t at all world-weary,” Wloch recalled, “although he knew how difficult it would be to come out of the grasp of the SS executioners alive.”

Their conversation turned to cases of suicide in the camps. “Whether we survive is neither certain nor the main point,” Ossietzky insisted. “But how people think about us later is as important as that they think about us. In that, our future lies. Thus, we have to keep living here as long as we breathe. A Germany that thinks of us will be a better Germany.”

Sixty-three members of France’s Parliament cosigned a statement saying, “For millions of people around the world, Ossiesky [sic] is a living symbol of the intrepid struggle for peace.”

As Ossietzky’s candidacy for the Nobel Peace Prize received more coverage in the international press, the Nazis began to worry that he might actually win. Goebbels himself took to the radio on March 12, 1936, to rage at the prospect. “Treason was once a socially acceptable thing, even a fashionable thing,” he yelled. “And there are still people today who apply for prizes for traitors. However, we only saw a traitor as a criminal. Therefore: Off with his head!”

A few weeks after Goebbels’s speech, the Dutch press reported that Ossietzky was close to death, based on testimony from a prisoner in Esterwegen. The New York Times reprinted the news. The same month, a concentration camp inspector, Theodor Eicke, toured Esterwegen. His internal memo about the visit stated that SS chief Heinrich Himmler’s office should be aware of the possibility of Ossietzky’s imminent demise. It further suggested that Ossietzky receive medical attention at the camp, and that it be documented to counter the inevitable outcry his death would elicit.

Instead, on May 28, the Nazis transferred Ossietzky from Esterwegen to the prisoner’s wing of the Berlin Police State Hospital. The hospital’s supervising physician diagnosed him with an advanced case of tuberculosis. Bacteria had carved deep necrotic caves into the upper lobe of his left lung. In a report to the Red Cross, the Gestapo downplayed his illness as tonsillitis. The Nazis also arranged for Ossietzky to sit for an interview with a regime-friendly Danish journalist, Hans-Wolff Juergensen, in the hospital’s prison ward. Juergensen wrote that Ossietzky was completely changed and on his way to embracing National Socialism.

Then, just a few weeks before the Nobel committee was set to announce its decision for the 1936 award, Maud learned that the Gestapo planned to release her husband, provisionally. Walter suspected that the decision was about optics, that the regime preferred the prize to go “to a free [Ossietzky] rather than to the prisoner.”

On November 7, Maud and Hünicke met Ossietzky at the Gestapo headquarters on Prinz-Albrecht-Strasse. They held their breath as the last bits of paperwork were completed, then hastily exited the doors and emerged into the loud city center. Maud paused just long enough to notice the look of uncertainty on Ossietzky’s pale face. He had been imprisoned for three years and seven months—how could he trust a freedom that came so slowly, then all at once?

Attempts by the Nazis to ensure that Ossietzky didn’t win the Peace Prize weren’t over. Göring himself summoned Ossietzky to his office and tried to persuade him to withdraw himself from consideration. Ossietzky made no concessions. The German ambassador to Norway, Heinrich Sahm, warned his host country that an award for Ossietzky would be considered a hostile act, and that Germany would respond accordingly. There was only so much the Norwegian parliament could do, though; it had the power to select the Nobel committee, but the committee did not consult the government about its decisions. In order to avoid the appearance of a conflict of interest, the two committee members who were also politicians—foreign minister Halvan Koht and Johan Mowinckel, former prime minister and leader of the Liberal Party—stepped away from their award responsibilities.

By the time the Nobel committee was expected to make its decision, nearly 1,000 nominators had submitted their support for Ossietzky. They included six previous Peace Prize recipients, 69 members of the Norwegian parliament, and 59 members of Swedish parliament, who chose to support his candidacy over that of their own prince’s. Ossietzky’s nomination count remains the highest in the award’s history.

On November 23, the committee made its announcement. The 1936 Nobel Peace Prize went to Carlos Saavedra Lamas, the foreign minister of Argentina, for his leadership in brokering the 1933 Argentine Antiwar Pact, which would prove a vital stabilizing force in South America for years to come. The committee also retroactively bestowed the 1935 prize to Carl von Ossietzky.

The exiled German press in Paris exploded in celebration. The news made the front page of the Pariser Tageszeitung, the successor to the Tageblatt. An editorial in Das Neue Tage-Buch called the decision “an exceptional case of moral courage” in a world that sadly lacked it. The international press offered a more blunt interpretation: Ossietzky’s prize was a “slap in the face of fascism,” according to The New York Times.

The German press, now thoroughly beholden to the Nazis, agreed that the decision was an affront to the country’s leadership. “The bestowal of the Nobel Prize on a notorious traitor to the nation is such a brazen provocation and insult of the new Germany, it will be met with an appropriate response,” the German News Agency said in a brief statement. Editors of the Völkischer Beobachter, another official organ of the Nazi Party, didn’t issue a response for three days. When it finally did, it called the Nobel committee’s decision ridiculous. “One could laugh themselves to death” over it, the editors said.

Three days after the announcement, Goebbels complained in his diary, “Yesterday: huge response in the press because of the Nobel Prize to Ossietzky. He’ll be stripped of citizenship and no more Germans will take the Nobel Prize.” Instead, Hitler announced the country’s own awards program, the German National Order of Art and Science. It ran for two years and honored seven Nazi luminaries, including Alfred Rosenberg, the primary theorist of the party’s racist ideology (later hanged at Nuremberg), and SS officer Ferdinand Porsche, whom Hitler had commissioned to engineer a car for the German people, better known as the Volkswagen.

The Circle of Friends acknowledged one another quietly. Securing the prize for Ossietzky had taken the efforts of everyone in the group, but no one had done as much as Walter. “You should be proud,” Konrad Heiden wrote to her. “As far as I can see, it was you in the first place. Surely others also did their good part. But if the recognition of a political possibility, concentration on the one goal, complete commitment of the person and tenacity until the last breath turn a political idea into an action, then you have undoubtedly brought this action into being.”

FIVE

The Nobel Peace Prize ceremony took place in Oslo on December 10, 1936. Ossietzky did not attend, nor did Maud; the Nazis withheld the necessary travel visas. Also absent were the Norwegian king and the crown prince. The same was true of ambassadors from England, Italy, and Denmark, whose governments had ordered them to stay home. An ensemble played the Norwegian anthem but not the German one.

Frederik Stang, a professor of law at the University of Oslo and a former minister of justice, stood before the thin crowd and read a short speech about Ossietzky on behalf of the Nobel committee. Stang opened by emphasizing that Ossietzky did not belong to any political party, and in fact no political tag could easily be pinned on him. If anything, he said, Ossietzky was a “liberal of the old school,” with “a burning love for freedom of thought and expression; a firm belief in free competition in all spiritual fields; a broad international outlook; a respect for values created by other nations—and all of these dominated by the theme of peace.”

He conceded that the laureate was mainly known for his work as a journalist, but disputed the notion that Ossietzky was less deserving of the award because he had become “a symbol of the struggle for peace rather than its champion.”

“In religion, in politics, in public affairs, in peace and war, we rally round symbols. We understand the power they hold over us,” Stang said. “But Ossietzky is not just a symbol. He is something quite different and something much more. He is a deed; and he is a man…. It is on these grounds that Ossietzky has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and on these grounds alone.”

Walter made the journey to Oslo, as a messenger rather than an honored guest. She hoped to persuade the Nobel foundation’s treasurer to postpone sending Ossietzky’s monetary award—163,849 Norwegian kroner, or close to $900,000 today—to Germany. Walter was not alone in fearing that the prize money would fall into the wrong hands. (Ultimately it did: The lawyer Maud hired to oversee the transfer pocketed it and was later convicted of embezzlement.)

Oslo was dark and cold. A hotel strike sent Walter looking for shelter at the home of a local journalist, where she squeezed herself nightly into a child’s bed. Her letters to Zirker in Paris conveyed exhaustion. “The physical hindrances caused by lack of sleep, lack of space, warmth and comfort are terrible for me,” Walter wrote in a moment of unusual vulnerability. “Hands and other places are chapped and sore from the cold.” Other passages in her letters were perhaps intentionally vague. “A lot of other things … wouldn’t be so bad if the fear about the end didn’t come,” she wrote. “I think I can say with a clear conscience that it couldn’t have been done better. But that doesn’t say anything about the final success.”

Walter did not specify what that success would look like, but she may well have meant a plan to get the Ossietzkys safely out of Germany. Officially, Ossietzky wasn’t a prisoner any longer, but Gestapo documents show that the Nazis had no intention of letting him leave the country. Whatever Walter hoped, Ossietzky’s illness was too advanced for him to travel anyway. In February 1937, two months after the Nobel committee had toasted his win, Maud moved into her husband’s hospital room. They stayed there together for 15 months, under strict supervision of the Gestapo.

During that time, Ossietzky wrote letters to his daughter, now living in Sweden. “Our life here is completely uneventful; we don’t have much to report,” Ossietzky wrote. “We think about you a lot; you are our major topic of discussion. I would like to know so much about you! Write us again, it is so nice to get letters from you. I kiss you, your Father.” He read English detective novels, including The Wisdom of Father Brown and Mystery in the Channel. He watched over a little yellow parakeet, a gift from his nurse, which sat in a cage on his bedside table.

Ossietzky died on May 4, 1938, at age 48. “The death of Carl von Ossietzky is a sad loss for the Germany in which I believe,” Ernst Toller wrote in a letter to a friend. “I have known this man since many years. He was one of the few who lived conformed to his ideas.”

Maud planned to engrave pax aeterna on her husband’s headstone, but the Gestapo refused to place any marker on his burial plot in the Berlin-Niederschönhausen cemetery. They wanted an anonymous resting place for the traitor who had become a martyr. No pilgrims would grace Ossietzky’s gravesite on their watch, and no eternal peace would dawn on their horizon.

Germany invaded Poland on September 1, 1939. France and Great Britain declared war two days later. Most of Ossietzky’s friends in European exile scrambled to find a new sanctuary. A way out opened for the Oldens when the New School for Social Research in New York City offered Rudolf a teaching position. On September 13, 1940, the couple joined 406 passengers and crew—including 90 children—on the SS City of Benares. A German submarine torpedoed the ship, sinking it 600 miles from land. More than half of those on board drowned, including the Oldens.

The Paris team needed rescuing. Ossietzky’s friends survived for several weeks in a French internment camp before catching the attention of the Emergency Rescue Committee and the American Friends Service Committee, American relief groups dedicated to relocating anti-fascist refugees. Late in the summer of 1940, organizers arranged U.S. visas and passage on the SS Nea Helles for Walter, Zirker, and Reisner, accompanied by his wife and 16-day-old baby. The ship was departing from the Port of Lisbon, so Ossietzky’s friends had to escape France on foot, walking into Spain across the Pyrenees. Berthold Jacob also attempted to escape but only made it as far as Lisbon, where he was kidnapped by SS operatives and dragged back to Berlin. Kurt Grossman had a less harrowing journey; he settled in New York City and spent the war advocating for refugees with the World Jewish Congress.

Hedwig Hünicke never left Berlin. She struggled to make ends meet by working for small publishing houses. She kept watch over the elderly parents of exiled Jewish colleagues until they were moved to the death camps. After her family home was destroyed in the war, she lived in a cold, damp room in an apartment near Nollendorfplatz, and worked in the circulation department at the Tagesspiegel. She stayed there until her retirement in 1958.

Walter returned in 1952 to a city decimated. With so many familiar buildings gone, homecomers had to rely on street signs, like tourists, even in the neighborhoods of their youth. Once Walter had settled back in the formerly fashionable west end, she again contributed articles to the German press and worked on book projects. Sometimes she’d meet her childhood friend, the once famous trial reporter Gabriele Tergit, at Café Reimann, an old haunt still standing on the Kurfürstendamm. Their talk often turned to Ossietzky. Walter clipped any and all postwar coverage she could find about the man, filling her apartment with binders full of articles. Many she had written herself.

At some point, Walter contemplated publishing a lengthier account of Ossietzky’s story. Among her papers at the Munich Institute for Contemporary History, sandwiched between newspaper clippings and letters typed on tissue-like paper, is an undated book proposal. The 30-page document contains a tidy outline and descriptions for 14 chapters. The project’s title, Der Preis für einen Friedenspreis (The Price of a Peace Prize), suggests a behind-the-scenes account of the Nobel campaign. But what Walter plotted instead was a rather anemic biography of its subject.

As for the Circle of Friends, the proposal contains only one oblique reference to a “narrowly limited group of people based in Paris.” Her papers do not contain any correspondence with publishers, making it impossible to know whether she submitted the book idea for consideration.

Ossietzky was a legend. His name adorned street signs, libraries, and schools across Germany.

What was the price for the Nobel Prize? When she chose her title, Walter may have had Ossietzky’s suffering in mind. Arguably, too, Walter accepted a personal cost—that all she had done for Ossietzky would go largely unknown, in order to preserve the idea that he had received the Peace Prize as a result of a groundswell of international support rather than a hard-fought political campaign.

Prior to Walter’s death in 1976, no one had disclosed the full activities of the Circle of Friends, not even Grossmann, whose 1963 biography of Ossietzky told all manner of stories in its nearly 600 pages. It wasn’t until some 50 years after Ossietzky’s death that a complete picture of his supporters’ quest emerged. In 1988, the University of Hamburg organized an exhibit about the Circle of Friends and published a corresponding book. The University of London published a collection of letters from the Oldens’ papers in 1990, further illuminating the group’s efforts. 

By then Ossietzky was a legend. His name adorned street signs, libraries, and schools across Germany; his statue stood in parks. He had become a physical part of the postwar landscape, the one that elected his supporter Willy Brandt, first as mayor of Berlin, and later as chancellor of the republic.

Brandt did not let Walter go entirely uncelebrated. On her 70th birthday in 1965, just over a decade prior to her death, he presented her with Germany’s Federal Cross of Merit. Unlike the Nobel, this prize, which honors service to the public good, is not a mighty weapon of influence. Since 1951, the German government has handed out more than 262,000 of the small red, black, and gold crosses. The number is so high, in fact, that the Office of the Federal President does not keep a comprehensive list of recipients, nor does it document exactly what each award is meant to praise.

Of this kind of muted recognition, Walter surely approved.


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The Crash of the Hammer

The Crash of the Hammer

How concerned citizens ran a neo-Nazi out of rural Maine.

City on Fire

Love, Interrupted

The Atavist Magazine, No. 154


Kelsey Rexroat is a San Francisco–based editor and writer. Her fiction and nonfiction has appeared in The New Yorker, The Atlantic, LitHub, The Hairpin, and McSweeneys Internet Tendency.

Editor: Jonah Ogles
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Alison Van Houten
Illustrator: Musubu Hagi

Published in August 2024.


Ashwini Naidu knew when her car was going over the Golden Gate Bridge, because the rumble of the pavement beneath her changed. She sat in the passenger seat, fully reclined, and clenched her eyes shut. From the driver’s seat, her coworker updated Ashwini on their progress—a quarter of the way across, halfway—until, finally, Ashwini was in the clear.

When they’d started out on their hour-long, southward journey from Sonoma to San Francisco earlier that day, Ashwini was driving. She had intended to follow a circuitous route that would take them over the Richmond–San Rafael Bridge into the East Bay, then west across the Bay Bridge into the city proper. Circumventing the Golden Gate would add 30 minutes to their drive, but Ashwini didn’t care about that. She didn’t realize that her GPS had rerouted them until she noticed the Marin Headlands rising above the highway. She knew what that meant: The bridge loomed ahead. Without hesitating, she pulled her car onto the shoulder of the freeway.

“You have to drive,” she explained to her bewildered coworker. “I can’t see the Golden Gate Bridge.”

Ashwini, who was in her mid-thirties, had never laid eyes on the iconic structure in person. It wasn’t for lack of opportunity—by 2023, she had been living in the Bay Area for three years. The soaring vermilion bridge is one of the first sights that most transplants tick off their must-see list, and Ashwini’s work took her all around San Francisco. Avoiding even a glimpse of it took effort. But Ashwini had made a promise to another woman 7,500 miles away: She would not see the bridge until they were finally hand in hand.

Before she moved to San Francisco—before she fell in love, before she even knew what being in love felt like—Ashwini lived in the vibrant metropolis of Bengaluru, more commonly known as Bangalore. She was gregarious, with a natural curiosity about everyone she met that helped her make friends easily. She was also ambitious. While attending an all-girls Catholic high school, she cofounded a company that offered arts programs for kids.

It was also in high school that Ashwini realized she was attracted to girls. Her feelings seemed natural to her, and she never questioned them until other girls at school began giggling and teasing one another about their crushes on boys. She worried what they would think if she revealed that she didn’t feel the same way, so she kept her romantic inclinations to herself. “I did not even know what being gay meant,” Ashwini said. “The idea of marrying a woman was unfathomable at that time, at least for me.”

Before British colonization, India had a history of tolerance toward diverse sexual orientations and gender identities. That ended with the 1860 passage of Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code, which criminalized “carnal intercourse against the order of nature” as an “unnatural offense,” punishable with a fine and up to life in prison. Although the law didn’t specifically refer to homosexuality, it was interpreted as outlawing same-sex relations. In practice, consenting adults were rarely charged under Section 377, but it was used as a tool for harassment, discrimination, and blackmail against people who fell outside the bounds of heteronormativity.

When a female classmate confided to Ashwini that she had a crush on her, Ashwini was initially alarmed. She told the girl that being together was impossible. In time, however, the shock and bewilderment softened. Ashwini noticed how her heart fluttered when she was around the girl, and she started to crave their moments of connection—even if pursuing them meant hiding their burgeoning relationship. “I don’t know what this is,” Ashwini told her, “but can we promise each other that no matter what happens, we won’t give up on our friendship? Let’s just dive into this and see where it takes us.”

Ashwini’s father often said that if something was done in secret, there must be something wrong with it. He was a stay-at-home dad raising Ashwini and her younger sister, Shalini, while their mother worked. He always listened attentively to Ashwini when she talked about her problems, and he offered encouragement and advice. More often than not she listened. But she pursued her clandestine relationship without her dad’s knowledge. In fact, Ashwini told no one about her girlfriend.

The two girls kept their friend circles separate and were careful not to draw attention to themselves in public. In private their inhibitions fell away as they sought refuge in each other. They sat together in their bedrooms and spun dreams of a shared future: living together in a cozy home until their hair silvered and their faces became etched with wrinkles. They even chose names for their imagined children. “It was a very intense, emotional relationship,” Ashwini said.

Those conversations made Ashwini’s heart pound with both exhilaration and trepidation, because even as she allowed herself to dream, a sense of hopelessness would settle over her, a dark cloud that obscured the future. The life the two girls imagined didn’t seem possible in India. Perhaps, her girlfriend suggested, Ashwini could pursue an engineering degree in the United States. Maybe on another continent, far from the confines of home, their love could blossom freely.

Then one day their shared vision was shattered. “I think I’m straight, and I think you’re straight, too. This whole thing was a big mistake,” Ashwini’s girlfriend told her. The words landed like a blow and seemed to confirm Ashwini’s worst fear: that to feel the way she felt, something must be wrong with her. Perhaps her dad was right about what people did in secret. Perhaps, at her core, she was shameful.

Ashwini began to question her worth. She thought about how disappointed her friends and family would be if they knew the real her. Some days she wondered if she would be better off dead.

Ashwini stayed in India for college, earning her degree in industrial engineering, then began her career. She dated men and had one relationship that lasted several years. Her boyfriend declined to introduce her as his partner to his friends, and Ashwini’s friends and her sister insisted that she deserved better. Such red flags didn’t bother her, however. The relationship was just a way to ignore how she truly felt.

In high school, Ashwini had joined the drama club, and she later acted in a few plays and did voiceover work. She knew how to assume the role of a character, to adopt mannerisms and deliver lines convincingly. By dating a man, she told me, “I had the perfect script. But I didn’t feel that anything was natural. It was not coming from the bottom of my heart.”

Meanwhile, a national debate over gay rights in India was simmering. In 2009, when Ashwini was 21, LGBTQ+ activists achieved a significant victory when the Delhi High Court held that Section 377 violated the country’s constitution by depriving citizens of the rights to equal treatment under the law, to privacy, and to freedom of expression. The decision was a response to a lawsuit filed eight years earlier by an HIV/AIDS advocacy organization called the Naz Foundation, and it effectively decriminalized consensual intercourse between same-sex adults.

The ruling was a significant but short-lived step toward equal rights in India. Public attitudes toward LGBTQ+ lifestyles were still predominantly negative. Following the court decision, a poll conducted by the Hindustan Times and the CNN-IBN television network found that 73 percent of Indians thought homosexuality should be illegal. A coalition of conservative religious and political groups appealed the High Court ruling to the country’s Supreme Court on the grounds that “homosexuality was an offense against public morality and Indian cultural values.” In December 2013, the Supreme Court reinstated Section 377. A panel of judges criticized the High Court for “its anxiety to protect the so-called rights of LGBT persons,” whom it claimed made up only “a minuscule fraction” of Indians. Thousands of advocates gathered across the country to protest the decision, many wearing black arm bands and waving rainbow flags.

Ashwini prided herself on keeping up with the news, but when it came to the headlines about Section 377, she read as little as possible. That doesn’t apply to me, she told herself.

What she believed did apply to her was marriage. She wanted a life partner and all the things that came with it—the stability, the mutual support, the shared history. “I come from a household of a very good marriage,” she said. Growing up she had observed her parents’ devotion to each other in a million small ways. Her father had fixed her mother coffee each morning, and the pair would drink from steaming mugs while discussing the day ahead. Her dad bought her mom saris and helped her drape and adjust the complex garments as she got ready to go out. When Ashwini’s mom left for work, her dad stood on the balcony and waved at her until she was out of sight. At the end of the day, he’d await the first glimpse of her returning home.

Ashwini thought that the only hope of achieving something similar to what her parents had was marrying a man, so she didn’t balk when they suggested an arranged marriage. Their union had been arranged, after all, and they were progressive enough culturally that Ashwini knew she’d be able to veto anyone they presented who didn’t suit her.

Marriage would be the ultimate acting role for Ashwini, but she hoped that it would also be her salvation. She sometimes pictured herself in the ocean, swimming as far away from her true self as she could, yet never finding safe harbor. Marriage to a man could be a lifeline, connecting her to the kind of life she wanted—or thought she did. “I was feeling hopeless,” Ashwini said. “That’s when I just gave up and I said, ‘Let’s do this.’ ”

She and her parents were ready to begin the search for a husband, but first Ashwini wanted to go on a trip—a final adventure before she became a man’s wife. She wanted to go to the mountains of India, but not in order to mimic the trope she’d seen in movies: Woman retreats into nature and discovers herself. Rather, the trip would be one last chance to escape the weight of having to hide her identity. “I just wanted to get away,” Ashwini said. “I wanted to get out of my life.”

Ashwini’s sister, Shalini, had some time off before starting a new job and decided to join her. At the last minute, Ashwini’s friend Shinara decided to come along as well, but she suggested they go to Nepal instead. Ashwini’s solo trip at home was now a group expedition abroad. Still, she was eager to make the most of it.

It was morning when the trio arrived at a backpackers’ hostel in Thamel, Kathmandu’s tourist district. The streets outside were choked with honking cars, swerving mopeds, and pedestrians fanning out in every direction. Ashwini, hungover and sleep-deprived from a pre-departure get-together with friends, browsed the notices on a bulletin board while her sister and friend checked in. When the female manager asked for Ashwini’s passport, she walked over and tossed it on the counter without looking up. “Oh, hello,” the woman’s voice rang out. “It’s OK to not be rude.”

The words yanked Ashwini from her fuzzy headspace. She knew that under normal circumstances she would have greeted the manager warmly and riddled her with questions, and she quickly apologized. “Whatever,” the woman muttered. She had long, dark hair and a confident gaze. She studied Ashwini’s passport for what struck Ashwini as longer than necessary.

Their rooms wouldn’t be ready for several hours, so Ashwini, Shalini, and Shinara settled into the hostel’s adjoining restaurant. As they drank Nepal Ice beer, Shalini began sending her sister over to the front counter on various pretexts: Ask the manager to charge our phones. Ask where the good sightseeing is. Shalini had long suspected that Ashwini liked girls, even if her sister never admitted it outright. “At the time, I was just messing with Ashwini,” Shalini said.

Soon Ashwini caught the manager glancing her way from time to time. Shalini noticed, too. Then Ashwini’s cell phone, plugged in at the front desk, began blaring, “Wake up … Wake up ….” Ashwini leapt from her seat to silence it.

“Why is your alarm set to wake up at two in the afternoon?” the manager asked.

Ashwini explained that she was an account manager for an internet security company in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and she had to be at her office during the American workday. She sensed disapproval in the woman. In South Asia, people who work for American companies can have a reputation for being spoiled and entitled.

Another guest walked by and asked the manager how she was feeling. She reassured the guest that she was fine. “Is something wrong?” Ashwini asked.

“Do you need to know everyone’s stories?” the woman replied.

Ashwini figured she couldn’t make things worse at that point, so she plowed ahead. “Well, I’m on vacation. My room isn’t ready. I have nothing else to do. So if you want to offload it with me, you could just tell me what happened.”

The woman paused for a moment and then said that a confrontation with a coworker had upset her.

“What would make it better?” Ashwini asked.

“A drink,” the woman answered.

Ashwini pointed out that they served drinks at the adjoining restaurant. “I can’t drink while I’m working,” the woman said.

“What time do you get off work?” Ashwini asked. She was going to be at the hostel anyway. Maybe they could get a drink together.

The woman agreed.

Srijana Khatri, who goes by Shree, was Ashwini’s opposite in some ways. She was introverted and reflective, more comfortable in her own company than in large groups, though she was fiercely loyal to her family and her close-knit circle of friends. Her patience and nurturing demeanor, coupled with a gift for listening, made people who’d just met her feel at ease.

Growing up, Shree split her time between Kathmandu and the rural mountain district of Okhaldhunga. Her parents worked for the military, and she was raised primarily by her grandparents, from whom she absorbed an old-soul influence. When she realized that she was gay, she kept it to herself. She wasn’t sure how her family would react. Compared with surrounding countries, Nepal was relatively progressive on LGBTQ+ issues. In 2007, the year Shree turned 13, a Supreme Court ruling made Nepal the first country in South Asia to recognize the rights of the LGBTQ+ community. A few years later, in 2011, Nepal became the first country in the world to include a third gender category on its census. A new constitution, adopted in 2015, prohibited discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation or gender identity. But national law stopped short of recognizing gay marriages, and to many people same-sex relationships remained taboo. Shree knew of gay people who were thrown out of their homes when they came out to their families.

One day when Shree was 16, her grandfather told her he knew that she was different from other girls. If there was something she wanted to tell him, he said, he was ready to listen. Shree had already envisioned the possible outcomes of confiding in him, and not all of them were positive. “I was overwhelmed, because I didn’t expect him to understand,” she said. Still, Shree decided to be honest with him. To her surprise, he quickly accepted her and even offered advice on navigating the road ahead. The news about her sexuality soon spread through her family, and though her parents asked for some time to adjust, everyone supported her.

As a teenager, Shree had two relationships with women. One never evolved past the casual-dating phase. The other, with a woman seven years her senior, ended when the woman’s family arranged for her to marry to a man. This is just how it is, Shree told herself, meeting the disappointment with characteristic equanimity. She knew that the pressure of family expectations could be intense.

After high school, Shree enrolled in college to pursue a degree in business and finance. Then, on the eve of exams in her final year, she began having seizures. She was diagnosed with epilepsy and spent the next year in and out of the hospital, before doctors found the right medication to stabilize her condition. The ordeal left her feeling daunted about returning to school. She took a job at the hostel instead, managing the property and sometimes covering the front desk.

Shree wasn’t sure why she agreed to have a drink with Ashwini. She’d been in a bad mood all day. Perhaps it was Ashwini’s warm eyes and refusal to be cowed by Shree’s terseness that won her over. She figured, why not? The two women made plans for the following evening.

Then a problem arose. The afternoon of the day Shree and Ashwini were supposed to meet up, Shinara announced that she’d booked a side trip to visit Pokhara, a popular lakeside city six hours from Kathmandu. She, Shalini, and Ashwini would be leaving together that evening on an overnight bus. Ashwini protested. She was the type to always show up when she said she would, even if it was to have a drink with a woman whose name she didn’t yet know. Shinara eyed Ashwini skeptically. She knew that her friend liked women, but she wasn’t about to forgo the Pokhara trip for someone Ashwini had just met. Besides, Shinara said, the woman had helped her book the bus tickets—she knew that Ashwini would be leaving that night.

Ashwini relented. On her way out, she went to the front desk to apologize to the manager, but no one was there. A taxi arrived to take Ashwini, Shalini, and Shinara to the bus station, and while loading their bags they asked about return service when they got back to Kathmandu. The driver said that would be no problem and instructed them to call the hostel manager when they arrived so that she could send for him. He gave them the woman’s number.

Ashwini was so relieved that she now had the chance to apologize for her sudden departure that she forgot to ask the driver for the manager’s name. She saved the number under “Oh, Hello.”

The three women boarded the bus, and the streets of Kathmandu soon gave way to a dark, hilly landscape. The screen of Ashwini’s phone glowed as she pulled up the number she’d saved.

Hey, this is Ashwini, she typed into a new chat.

A moment later her phone chimed.

Ashwini who? Should I know who you are?

Ashwini blushed with embarrassment. Then Shree let on that she was joking.

I’m sorry I didn’t stay back today, Ashwini wrote.

It’s OK, Shree replied. They agreed to try meeting up again in a few days, when Ashwini would be back in Kathmandu for 24 hours before her flight home. Then Shree tested the romantic waters. She wasn’t sure Ashwini was gay, but again she figured, why not?

I have a bad habit when I drink, Shree texted. I like to flirt.

OK. Let’s flirt with the whole town. Let’s paint the town red, Ashwini texted back.

Shree sighed. Subtlety was not going to work apparently. She tried again.

Especially with girls, she wrote.

Sunk down low in her bus seat, Ashwini felt her chest tighten with excitement. Only a few days earlier, she had told her parents to begin the process of an arranged marriage. Years of running away from her sexual orientation had left her exhausted. Shree’s words sent a jolt of energy through her.

Ashwini recalled something that had happened earlier that day. She’d visited the Pashupatinath Temple on the banks of the Bagmati River, where devotees and pilgrims gather to offer prayers and seek blessings from Pashupati, a manifestation of Shiva. The space was adorned with intricate wood carvings and golden spires. The heady fragrance of incense hung in the air. A priest had instructed her in sankalpa, which he translated as making a wish.

Ashwini had hesitated to complete the ritual. She believed in God, but she could never bring herself to pray for anything. Who was she to make requests when God knew what was best for her? But when she put her forehead to the ground in the temple, she felt a desire welling up inside. God, she prayed, once in my lifetime, I want to experience love the way it should feel.

Now, staring at her phone on the bus, she thought that this was her chance, maybe the only one she would get before returning home and getting married. She typed back: When did I say I have a problem with that?

When Ashwini returned to Kathmandu, she and Shree shared a scooter to a café. Ashwini drove while Shree sat on the back and held Ashwini’s waist. Shree was struck by the scent of Ashwini’s perfume—it was fresh and clean. I could smell this forever, she thought.

Ashwini inundated Shree with questions during the ride. When Ashwini learned that Shree was only 23, she balked a little inside. Ashwini was 29. Surely the six-year age gap meant that Shree was too young for them to have much in common. But when they sat down to a lunch of steamed momos, Shree talked about her grandparents and how much she loved spending time with them. She seemed mature beyond her years.

As the two women got to know each other, an unfamiliar giddiness spread through Ashwini’s body like a fizzy drink. It all felt so natural. She wasn’t reeling off a scripted version of what she thought she should be saying. She was just being herself.

Evening descended, and the women made their way to a bar near the hostel. As they sipped their drinks, two local men came over to say hello to Shree. Soon after, Ashwini’s sister and friend walked in. The sight of Ashwini at a table with Shree and two unfamiliar men made them uneasy. Ashwini was relatively well-off, visiting a poor country. What if these locals were planning to take advantage of her somehow? Shalini and Shinara called Ashwini over and voiced their concern: What did Shree want, exactly?

“Relax,” Ashwini told them. “I spent the day with her. She’s different.”

Only a few tables away, Shree could hear the women arguing, and she walked over to them. “Hey, guys,” she interrupted, “I think I’m going to call it a night.” She politely excused herself and walked out.

Ashwini rushed into the street and found Shree a few blocks away. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I want to apologize for my friends’ behavior.”

“Stop,” Shree said. She told Ashwini that she hadn’t left the bar because she was angry. She was glad that Ashwini had people who cared about her enough to look out for her. But she didn’t like drama, and she had to work in the morning. So she said goodnight. Ashwini returned to the bar. It was now midnight, and her plane home was departing at 5:30 that morning. Ashwini decided that she wouldn’t be on it.

“Listen,” she said to Shalini and Shinara. “I’m not going back to India.”

The other women erupted. “What nonsense!” said Shalini. “You don’t just fall in love with somebody in a foreign country. You think I will leave you here and go back home?”

Ashwini was adamant. She’d spent years overthinking every decision in her life, but in that moment her brain was quiet. She knew that she wanted to stay. Something was happening with Shree, something she hadn’t experienced before, and she wouldn’t walk away from it when it had barely begun. Even just a few more days might be enough to bring the picture into focus, for better or worse.

The following day, Ashwini greeted Shree at the front desk and explained that she hadn’t boarded her flight. “If I stay here for five days, will you hang out with me?” she asked.

A mixture of excitement and disbelief washed over Shree. This woman was rearranging her life to get to know her. She was touched, and she wanted to say yes, but she couldn’t take time off with so little notice. Instead, she agreed to see Ashwini before and after work.

For the next five days, they spent all of Shree’s free time together. Shree brought breakfast to Ashwini’s room each morning, and Ashwini explored the city during the day. When Shree clocked out, they’d meet at a restaurant and spend hours roaming the labyrinthine alleys of Thamel. They talked about past relationships, family, and their religious beliefs, connecting over their shared Hindu culture.

Ashwini was struck that Shree didn’t seem to hide any facet of herself. It made Ashwini feel her own inhibitions more keenly than ever. When Shree reached for her hand at a restaurant, Ashwini reflexively pulled away. She was unsure of the local laws, she explained, and wasn’t comfortable with public displays of affection.

At the end of the five days, Ashwini left Nepal with her thoughts in turmoil. A safe but passionless future awaited her in India; Shree represented the opposite. But she’d told Shree, “You deserve someone who can hold your hand in public and not be shy about it.” Ashwini didn’t know if she could be that person, no matter how much she wanted to.

Now 1,100 miles apart, the two women texted and called each other incessantly. Shree wanted more. She knew that Ashwini was on the cusp of an arranged marriage, which had already cost Shree one relationship. “I like you,” she told Ashwini after a few weeks. “But if it’s a no, that’s fine. We should stop talking right now.”

Ashwini wasn’t sure what to do. She knew the risks she faced: Walking away from an arranged marriage would almost certainly require coming out to her parents, and once her orientation was no longer a secret, who knew what kind of condemnation or rejection she might face—personal, professional, or otherwise? Plus, she would have to learn to accept herself for who she was. The alternative, however, was a life without Shree.

A few days after Ashwini’s 30th birthday, she video-called Shree. Looking at Shree’s face, she knew that she was ready to make the leap. Ashwini asked Shree to be her girlfriend.

A Threat and a Promise

In August 2018, Shree visited Ashwini in India. Ashwini worried how they would mesh in her home environment, particularly when easygoing Shree saw how driven she was in her career. But having Shree in her apartment felt natural. The women discovered that they both loved to cook, and they spent many evenings delving into new recipes. When they dined out, they dissected the ingredients of dishes and strategized how they might re-create them at home. Shree listened to Ashwini talk about her work and offered advice and encouragement. The two women discussed moving in together, but Ashwini couldn’t find a good job in Nepal, and Shree’s family had discouraged her from moving to India while same-sex relationships remained illegal there.

Then, the month after Shree’s visit, responding to petitions requesting a review of its earlier ruling, the Indian Supreme Court unanimously struck down Section 377. Intercourse between adults of the same sex was no longer illegal. “Criminalizing carnal intercourse is irrational, arbitrary, and manifestly unconstitutional,” said justice Dipak Misra as he delivered the decision. Outside the courthouse, LGBTQ+ advocates hugged and cheered. Two months later, Shree quit her job at the hostel, left Nepal, and moved into Ashwini’s apartment. She found work at a nearby motorcycle shop.

Despite the court’s decision, Ashwini was nervous about living with Shree. India remained a conservative country, and Ashwini worried about being rejected or ostracized if she came out. She introduced Shree to her parents as her roommate and avoided having coworkers and acquaintances visit her at home. When the housecleaner came, Ashwini told Shree, “Don’t be in the same room as me. Don’t be too close with me. Behave like we are friends.”

Shree found herself tiptoeing around her own home. “I was so scared in the beginning,” she said. She had come to India for Ashwini but felt like she was being asked to hide who she was. “All the time we were together in Bangalore, we never held hands in public,” Shree said. “That’s not how it’s supposed to be.”

Still, Shree was patient and forgiving by nature. She remembered stories of people who’d been disowned for coming out to their families. She knew how much Ashwini’s family and career meant to her. “Each of us has our own coming-out journey,” she told Ashwini. “Just because we are together, it doesn’t have to accelerate yours. Whatever your journey is, all I’m asking is to go with you.”

Ashwini wanted to lead an open life someday, but in the meantime there was a more pressing matter: Her parents still wanted to find her a husband. When she’d returned from her trip to Nepal, she’d informed them that she’d changed her mind about arranged marriage. She wasn’t ready to tell them about Shree, so instead she took aim at the institution itself. “Marriage is bullshit,” she told her parents. “Half of them end in divorce. I make a good income and don’t want to risk getting stuck paying alimony to some man.” As Ashwini tried to bury the topic, she considered her parents’ ages. They were in their late sixties. Perhaps they’d be gone before the real reason for her resistance became apparent. The thought brought a guilt-tinged sense of relief.

Ashwini’s parents were bewildered by her sudden hostility toward marriage. They broached the topic whenever she visited, so over time she saw them less and less. One day her mom asked her to meet for coffee. It was an unusual request—Ashwini didn’t drink coffee—but she agreed. The two women barely spoke as they sipped their beverages. It was only when Ashwini was driving them home that her mom opened up. She spoke about an older woman in their family who had never found a partner and now lived in lonely solitude. “I worry about that for you,” she said. Ashwini’s mom turned her gaze out the car window. “I’m not asking you to get married because I’m worried about what our friends say or what society says,” she continued. “I’m asking because I don’t want you to grow old without companionship. I want you to have what I’ve found with your father.”

I have that already, Ashwini thought.

“You’ve got to give me a reason,” her mom said. “You can’t just say you don’t want to get married.”

Silence hung in the air. They had already reached the house, but Ashwini continued driving around a nearby lake. They could go in circles forever, Ashwini thought, or she could jump off the ledge she was standing on. “It’s because I don’t like boys,” she said at last. Another long pause followed before her mom asked, “Are you trying to tell me you like girls?”

“Yes,” Ashwini said.

And then she told her mom about Shree. Once the words began, they tumbled out. Ashwini talked about how hard the years of secrecy and shame had been, how she’d even considered taking her own life, and how everything had changed when she heard Shree’s voice at the hostel in Kathmandu. Ashwini had always been on the move, always striving, always running away from herself. Shree was teaching her how to embrace stillness and be comfortable in her own skin. “I feel like I can breathe now,” Ashwini said.

Ashwini’s mom asked her to drive to a nearby store. She went in, bought three pairs of shoes, and got back in the car. Ashwini, still reeling from her confession, waited for a reaction, but none came. “Mom, I just shared the most intimate part of my life,” Ashwini said. “Do you have anything to tell me?”

“I’m not saying anything because my blood pressure is very high right now, and I can feel that I need my medicine,” her mother replied. “Can you drive me home?” She didn’t say another word until they’d walked inside. Then her mother turned to Ashwini and said, “Don’t tell Dad anything. Let me break it to him.”

Ashwini didn’t sleep that night. The next day her dad called. “Your mom told me something very big,” he said. He invited her over for lunch. When she arrived, he began to talk about one of his favorite Bollywood actors, who had come out in support of the transgender community. He mentioned how, in Mumbai, trans people have a prominent place in some cultural traditions. He also talked about how hard their lives could be.

Ashwini struggled to follow where the conversation was heading. “Dad, get to the point,” she interrupted. He looked at her directly. “Did we miss something biologically when you were born?” he asked.

Ashwini realized that he was confused, that he thought she might not identify as a woman. “Dad, I’m just a girl like any other girl, but I like girls. This is just who I am,” she said. She explained that before she met Shree, she felt like she would have been happy with only a fraction of the devotion he and her mother shared. But with Shree, she had found all of it. Now she couldn’t settle for anything less.

Her father’s eyes seemed to soften, and Ashwini sensed that she had connected with him. “You’ve been the perfect daughter,” he said. She had excelled in her education and career. Other parents in the neighborhood told him that they wanted a daughter like Ashwini.

Then her father dashed her hopes. “All the right you’ve done has been made wrong with this one thing,” he said. “I’m never going to be OK with it.”

Ashwini left the house in tears. She had always been close to her dad. “He was my hero all my life. He was my go-to guy. And I didn’t have him this time,” she said. “That really, really hurt me.”

Despite how they’d reacted, Ashwini stayed in contact with her parents. When she tried to discuss anything related to the LGBTQ+ community, they looked at her like she was speaking a foreign language. But grappling with a gap in understanding was better than not seeing her family at all—Ashwini loved her parents and didn’t want to lose them.

Shree and Ashwini continued living together while hiding their relationship from most people. Then one evening, while Ashwini was home alone getting ready to go to a friend’s party, there was a knock at the door. She opened it to find two men in plain clothes, one holding a notebook. They introduced themselves as police officers and pelted her with questions: What company do you work for? Where is your office? What is your phone number?

“Why do you need this information?” Ashwini asked. They gave a vague answer about crime in the neighborhood. Cold dread spread through her body. Why were they really there? Were they even police officers? Two of her male friends had come out to her a few years earlier, and they’d told her stories about harassment: how people showed up at gay Indians’ homes pretending to be police or media, gathered information, then threatened to expose them to their employers and families, sometimes extorting them for money. Ashwini’s tech job and the upscale neighborhood she lived in made her a target.

She knew she could ask for the men’s IDs to verify that they were law enforcement. She also knew that in India male officers must have a female officer present to approach a woman after 6 p.m.—she could ask the men to leave and return with a female colleague. But Ashwini was rooted to the floor in fear, and any words of reproach were stuck in her throat. She tried to appear casual as she answered the men’s questions.

When they asked, “What about the girl who lives with you?” her heart sank. Ashwini hadn’t told her landlord about Shree. How did these men know? Ashwini gave the strangers a few basic details, and finally they turned to go. “Be safe,” one of them said. The words hung in the air as Ashwini closed the door.

Ashwini went to her friend’s party, but her mind was miles away. She tried to smile and make small talk, but her unease grew as scenarios played out in her mind. Eventually, the roar of anxiety in her head drowned out the music and conversation. Without saying goodbye, she walked out the door and drove home to Shree.

Ashwini woke Shree up when she arrived. The two women spoke in hushed voices as they discussed the encounter and what it meant for them. They had attracted the wrong kind of attention; the apartment no longer felt safe. The front door was bolted, but the presence of the men seemed to lurk just beyond it. How long would it be before they returned?

Shree felt especially vulnerable—she had come to India alone, with Ashwini as her sole support system. “I don’t feel free here,” she said. The words unsettled Ashwini, and she felt a strong sense of guilt. The women sat next to each other in heavy silence. Then Shree asked, “Do you think our lives would be different in a country that accepts us?”

As if the universe had heard Shree’s question, the next day Ashwini learned that her company was hiring for a position similar to hers in California. Suddenly, moving to another country—one where same-sex relationships were legal—felt like a real possibility. Ashwini interviewed for the job and got it.

Ashwini and Shree came up with a plan: After Ashwini left for the United States, Shree would pack up their apartment in India and return to Nepal to begin the process of obtaining a U.S. visa. At the same time, Ashwini would find an apartment for them in San Francisco. They hoped to reunite in about a month.

Before her departure, Ashwini and Shree celebrated Ashwini’s birthday with friends who knew about their relationship. One of them persuaded Shree to wear a dress to the party despite her preference for more casual clothes. After everyone gave gifts to Ashwini, the guests told Shree it was her turn—not to give a present, but to receive one. They pulled her to the center of the room and had her close her eyes. When she opened them, Ashwini was kneeling in front of her holding a watch engraved with the words “Marry me.”

“Srijana Khatri,” Ashwini said, “you had me at ‘Oh, hello.’ ”

Shree hesitated for only a moment. Being the center of attention made her want to run, but she didn’t have any doubts about her love for Ashwini. Shree said yes. They would start their new life together, engaged, in San Francisco.

The couple knew little about the city. Shree had heard from guests at the hostel in Kathmandu that it was an open-minded place. And Ashwini was aware that the Bay Area was a hub for technology and innovation. The only concrete thing they could picture was the Golden Gate Bridge, and once they’d decided to move, it seemed to be everywhere. Magnets depicting the bridge already adorned their fridge, souvenirs from Ashwini’s colleagues who’d visited the U.S. On their coffee table sat a book of photography—a gift from a friend—with the bridge on its cover.

The structure came to symbolize the life they would soon be building together. Shree urged Ashwini to visit the Golden Gate once she’d arrived in San Francisco, but that didn’t feel right to Ashwini. She wanted to see it for the first time when they were side by side. She vowed to wait until they were together again.

The Separation

Ashwini moved in January 2020. She stayed in downtown San Francisco while hunting for an apartment. On weekends she took in the local sights—the Ferry Building, Lombard Street, the city’s Museum of Modern Art—but never the Golden Gate Bridge. Meanwhile, in Nepal, Shree discovered that she needed a letter from the motorcycle shop where she’d worked in India confirming her employment. She returned to India in mid-March to get the letter, only packing enough clothes for the two nights she planned to crash on a friend’s couch. She hoped that the short setback wouldn’t delay her reunion with Ashwini.

By then news of COVID-19 was sweeping the globe, as the virus wormed its way through China, Europe, and the U.S. Before long it was everywhere. In San Francisco, shelter-in-place orders were announced on March 16, closing all but essential businesses. In India, Shree had already checked in for her return flight to Nepal when the Indian government sealed the borders and restricted movement inside the country. She was trapped.

Shree felt angry. She had left her job, her family, her country for Ashwini. Now she was stuck in India while her fiancée was thousands of miles away. She felt like she had nowhere to turn. Where would she stay until flights resumed? Even friends were cautious about letting anyone but immediate family into their homes.

As she sheltered in San Francisco, Ashwini felt helpless. All she could do was make a list of every hotel and hostel in her old neighborhood and call them one by one to see if they had space for Shree. The hotels weren’t accepting new guests; the hostels were asking current ones to leave.

She’d hit dead end after dead end when Ashwini received a call from her parents. Their relationship remained strained; her decision to move to California hadn’t helped. But her parents knew that Shree was stranded in their city, and they asked Ashwini if she had a place to stay. Ashwini replied that she was figuring it out, but they weren’t satisfied with her answer. “That girl trusted you and came to Bangalore. You’re responsible for her safety, and you’re not here,” her mother said. “So, by virtue of being your family, we are responsible for her safety. Ask her to move in with us.”

Ashwini was stunned. She knew how meaningful it was for her parents to invite Shree into their home. She ran the idea past Shree, who was dubious. “This is the craziest thing we’ve done yet,” Shree said. But there were no other options.

When Shree showed up at the house with nothing but her backpack, Ashwini’s parents welcomed her with cool politeness. They were fond of the kind, considerate young woman they’d known as their daughter’s roommate. Now that Shree was engaged to Ashwini, they weren’t sure how to act around her—a living reminder of their daughter’s sexual orientation was sitting on their couch, using their bath, sharing a room with Shalini. “At least for two weeks, all of us were very awkward,” Shree told me.

Shree made a strong effort to connect with her hosts. Ashwini’s parents were older and particularly vulnerable to COVID, so Shree helped with the shopping and other errands. She cooked for the family, making momos and other Nepalese dishes part of the household’s meal rotation. She practiced yoga with Shalini to stay active. She ate lunch with Ashwini’s father and shared tea with her mother as the evening shadows lengthened.

Shree also began accompanying Ashwini’s mother to the local Hindu temple, which remained open for worship. It was a 20-minute walk away. “She would talk and I would listen,” Shree said. “She really liked that.” Shree also spoke at length with Shalini, who had been wary of her ever since Ashwini had chosen to stay behind on the girls’ trip to Nepal. Sharing her room with Shree, Shalini’s perception shifted. “We started to see each other in our own light,” Shalini said. “I got to find out more about her, her past, what she likes, her principles, her beliefs, and she got to see those things in me.”

Most important, Shalini recognized Shree’s devotion to her sister. She saw how they balanced each other and carved out spaces in their lives for their relationship every single day. She saw in their sacrifices expressions of love. Soon she was joking with Shree, “Come on, you can do better than my sister.”

India’s ban on air travel was extended week after week. When the government began allowing some flights, tickets were hard to come by and prices were exorbitant. Shree’s brief stay of a few weeks turned into ten months. It wasn’t until January 2021 that she was able to return to Nepal and resume her visa application process.

Saying goodbye to Ashwini’s family was bittersweet, because they’d come to accept Shree as part of their lives. “She’s very compassionate,” her mother told Ashwini one day. “She’s very smart.” Shalini had grown to care about Shree like a second sister. “I’ve always said that while Ashwini fell in love with Shree, I chose to make Shree my family,” Shalini said.

Ashwini found that avoiding the Golden Gate Bridge was no easy task. San Francisco is compact and hilly. The bridge rises 746 feet above the bay; on a clear day you can glimpse its distinctive towers peeking above the skyline from almost anywhere. Ashwini navigated the city with determined precision, keeping vigilant track of where the bridge stood in relation to her and avoiding vantages that might be intruded upon by its iconic silhouette.

Ashwini moved from one short-term apartment to another before she found a permanent place in Pleasanton, about an hour outside the city. She was in no danger of seeing the bridge from there, but sometimes she had to drive into San Francisco for client appointments. When she crossed the Bay Bridge between Oakland and San Francisco, about ten miles east of the Golden Gate, she focused on the car in front of her so she wouldn’t see the bridge out the passenger-side window. When she started a hiking group with friends, she avoided outings in places where the bridge might be visible.

Ashwini and Shree never expected their separation to last as long as it did. In Nepal, Shree’s visa appointment was postponed again and again. She worked at the hostel to make ends meet. Ashwini visited her twice, staying a month each time. They rented a furnished apartment together, shopped for groceries, cooked paneer and curries, and watched cricket on the couch, with Shree explaining the intricacies of the sport to Ashwini. They playacted at normal life. Then Ashwini had to go.

During her second visit, Ashwini’s parents also traveled to Nepal to meet Shree’s family. Everyone gathered at Shree’s aunt’s house for an enormous lunch and then sat in the living room to talk. Although they spoke different languages, the two families managed to communicate through gestures and expressions. Afterward, everyone retired to various rooms for a nap. “Shree and I were in a cousin’s room,” said Ashwini. “We were just lying on the bed, looking at the mountains, thinking, ‘Can you believe that our families are having an afternoon siesta together under the same roof?’ We were in disbelief.”

Everyone went to temple that evening. Before they parted ways, Shree’s mother asked her to translate a question for Ashwini’s parents: “Ask them if they like my daughter.” Ashwini’s father answered simply: “She is also our daughter.” They were words neither Shree nor Ashwini ever imagined they’d hear.

Days later, Shree quit her job at the hostel when her employer asked her to work instead of taking her scheduled vacation time while Ashwini was still visiting. It was a principled stand, but a foolhardy one: Her long-awaited visa appointment was coming up in a few months, and being unemployed could be seen as evidence of financial instability, diminishing her chances of getting government approval to spend time in the U.S. It didn’t matter that Ashwini could support her, because they weren’t yet legally related.

Ashwini called the lawyer working with her and Shree. “What if she were my wife?” Ashwini asked. The lawyer confirmed that this would help at the appointment. It would be best if they married in an English-speaking country, so that the paperwork wouldn’t need to be translated.

Ashwini went back to the U.S. and put together a spreadsheet. She found 30-some countries that had legalized same-sex marriage. Only a handful allowed foreigners to marry there, and of those, there were three English-speaking countries that seemed like a good fit: the UK, Australia, and Canada. Ashwini was hopeful that Canada would work, but she discovered that the wait for a visitor visa could be as long as six months. Her shoulders slumped with defeat, and she returned to the drawing board.

Then a friend she hadn’t heard from in a while called. As it happened, the friend was in Los Angeles waiting to board a flight to Australia, where several of her Indian family members would be joining her. She said it had been easy to get them all visas. It only took a week, and it didn’t require going to a consulate or embassy—everything could be done online. Ashwini rushed to her computer.

In less than a month, both Shree and Ashwini had visitor visas for Australia. They arrived down under in March 2023 and were married on a beach south of Sydney, with only their photographer, a videographer, an officiant, and a local friend in attendance. Rain had darkened the skies throughout the preceding week, but the sun emerged on their wedding day, casting a warm glow over the turquoise waves. Both of them wore tailored pantsuits: Shree’s was powder pink, Ashwini’s dark teal.

Standing hand in hand in the sand, they said their vows. “The road to today has been a long and arduous one,” Ashwini told Shree. “I’m forever grateful for your love, patience, and trust. On this beautiful sunny day, with the mighty Pacific Ocean as my witness, I promise you that I will not rest until we get you home where you belong with me.”

In return, Shree said, “Today I want to start by telling how much I love you. And I thank God every day that you have given all of your love to me. You have moved mountains for our love.” As the officiant pronounced them wife and wife, they kissed and then raised their arms and cheered.

A month later, Shree arrived at the U.S. embassy in Kathmandu and sat down for her visa appointment. She was applying as a dependent rather than a visitor. Nervous about saying anything that might hurt her chances of getting approved, she’d reviewed a long list of questions that might come up. But the official only asked three things: What does your spouse do? When did you get married? Do you have some photographs? After looking at the photos, he said, “OK, you’re approved.”

Shree thought she must have misunderstood. She and Ashwini had withstood bigotry, three years of COVID lockdowns, countless long-distance calls, and a seemingly endless wait broken up by only the briefest of reunions. Surely the end of that saga would involve more than three simple questions.

“Did you say approved?” Shree asked.

“Yes,” the official said, already shuffling aside Shree’s paperwork for his next appointment. “You can collect your document from the bank in about a week.”

The Bridge

Shree landed at San Francisco International Airport in June 2023. Ashwini picked her up and they drove north on highway 101, straight to the Golden Gate Bridge.

They wore matching gray tees that read “Love Wins” in rainbow-colored cursive. As they approached the bridge, they pulled off at Crissy Field and spread out a picnic blanket. Ashwini had packed a San Francisco–themed lunch of avocado toast on sourdough bread. They clinked plastic cups of sparkling water together and looked up at the expanse of steel stretched before them.

A bank of fog hung low over the Marin Headlands in the distance, and they zipped up their jackets against the late-spring chill. Ashwini thought about the massive feat of engineering that had brought the bridge into being. Perhaps, with modern tools and technology, it wouldn’t be so hard to build it today. But in the 1930s, the endeavor had taken steadfast vision to overcome years of obstacles and setbacks. Ashwini’s journey to be with Shree felt similar—they’d navigated delays and discouragement to reach a goal that at times felt like little more than fantasy.

Later that summer, the Supreme Court of Nepal allowed provisional registration of same-sex marriages while it considered a case on the matter. (The court has yet to issue its ruling.) Meanwhile, the Indian Supreme Court was weighing a similar decision. The oral arguments in that case had occurred in April and May, and Ashwini had followed the proceedings online. She heard the petitioners argue about why marriage equality mattered and realized that they were expressing ideas she’d never been able to articulate. She remembered the night when the two men who might have been police came to her apartment. “I had this dirty feeling in my stomach. I could not describe what that feeling was,” she told me. “When I was listening to the arguments, I finally found the words. What I felt that night was that I was stripped of my dignity. It was so unacceptable for me.”(In October 2023, the Supreme Court rejected the petitioners’ case; as of this writing, same-sex marriage remains illegal in India.)

The desire to reject indignity was what prompted Ashwini to embark on “this adventure,” as she sometimes refers to what followed, with the woman she now calls her wife. Sitting in Crissy Field, Ashwini smiled at Shree.

“What do you think of the Golden Gate Bridge?” she asked.

“It’s very pretty,” Shree replied.

Neither of them were looking at the bridge.


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القدوم الى أمريكا

بعد ان بُترت أرجلها في غارة جوية إسرائيلية على غزة، اضطرت ليان الباز أن تسافر أكثر من 6000 ميل بعيداً عن كل ما تعرفه لكي تتعلم كيف تمشي مجدداً. 

القدوم الى أمريكا

مجلة ذا اتافيست (The Atavist)، العدد 153


رنا ناطور هي صحفية ومنتجة فيديوهات حائزة على جوائز. نُشرت القصص التي انتجتها على برنامج ساعة الاخبار على بي بي سي (PBS Newshour)، وعلى الجزيرة بالإنجليزية، مور بيرفيكت يونيون (More Perfect Union)، واخبار سكريبز (Scripps News). كما نشرت كتاباتها في صحف كالغارديان (The Guardian) وفايس نيوز (Vice News). كما حصلت على ترشيح لجائزة ايمي مشترك لمساهمتها في حلقة خاصة لبرنامج نايتلاين (Nightline) بعنوان “الازمة في سوريا.” حازت مقالتها بعنوان “زوجة مُطلق النار” على جائزة من جمعية الصحفيين العرب والشرق اوسطيين.

ايمان محمد هي مصورة صحفية فلسطينية من غزة، تملك شغفا في التصوير ينبع من تراثها. بدأت مسيرتها من خلال توثيق الحياة تحت الاحتلال الإسرائيلي، وعرضت صورها في صحف الغارديان (The Guardian) ولو موند (Le Monde) وواشنطن بوست (The Washington Post) وغيرها من المنشورات، كما تم اقتناء اعمالها في المتحف البريطاني في لندن ومتحف هارن للفنون التابع لجامعة فلوريدا. وحصلت على زمالة تيد العليا عام 2019. كما نشرت سيرتها الذاتية المصورة بعنوان شقوق عدستي (The Cracks In My Lens) في عام 2022.

المحررة: سيوارد داربي
المخرج الفني: إد جونسون
محرر النسخ: شون كوبر
مُدققة الحقائق: ليلى حسان
المُترجم: عمار عوينة

Published in July 2024.


كانت دينا عساف تجلس في سيارتها المركونة خارج مطار اوهاير الدولي تترقب بينما يفتح باب صالة المطار ثم يغلق مرةً تلو الأخرى. وكانت قد سعت جاهداً مع زوجها بهاء للتحضير لهذه اللحظة لحد الإرهاق. وفي الكرس الخلفي للسيارة كانت بناتهم الثلاثة المفعمات بالحيوية يترقبن. البنات الثلاث سارة وسلمى وسرين كنّ قد وضعن علامة على هذا اليوم المنشود – السابع عشر من آذار /مارس 2024 – على الرزنامة قبل أسابيع عدة وكن سعيدات بقدوم هذا اليوم اخيراً. وكن يتدافعن كي يروا الأبواب بشكل أفضل وكل واحدة منهن كانت تأمل ان تكون اول من يلمح الشخص المُنتظر. هذا الشخص هو فتاة صغيرة مثلهم بلغت الرابعة عشرة من عمرها قبل ثلاثة أيام من وصولها. وحسبما قيل للأخوات إنها شخص غاية في الأهمية.

 الفتاة اسمها ليان الباز ذات الانف الدائري الصغير والصوت الخافت. معظم ما تعرفه عائلة عساف عن حياتها جاء من فيديوهات منشورة على الانترنت. في احدى المقاطع وصفت ليان فقدانها اثنتين من أخواتها وابنة اختها وابن اختها في غارة جوية إسرائيلية على غزة. كانت الفتاة تستخدم كرسي متحرك بسبب الإصابات التي تعرضت لها في القصف، والتي أجبرت الأطباء على بتر ساقيها. في فيديو اخر، صورته وكالة فرانس برس (Agence France-Press) بعد فترة قليلة من الغارة الجوية، ظهرت ليان ووجهها مُرقش بالحروق، تقول راجفةً وهي تتشبث بقناع الاكسجين بإحدى يديها “اُريدهم ان يعطوني أرجل حقيقية. لا اريد أطرافاً مزيفة.”

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ولكن، إذا تمكنت ليان من المشي مرةً أخرى فلن يكون هذا ممكناً الا باستخدام الأطراف الصناعية، وللحصول عليهم أتت للولايات المتحدة. عرضت مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال في شيكاغو، وهي مستشفى مختصة بطب العظام للأطفال عليها العلاج مجاناً. وبالرغم من كونهم غرباء تماماً عنها، إلا أن عائلة عساف فتحوا منزلهم لاستضافة ليان خلال فترة تلقيها العلاج.

سارة، أكبر بنات عائلة عساف، تبلغ من العمر 12 عاماً، مما يعني ان دينا وبهاء لديهم خبرة مباشرة في التعامل مع فتاة مراهقة تمر بدوامة من التغيرات. ولكن بالإضافة لهذه التغيرات كانت ليان تصارع اصابتها بعجز دائم وفقدانها لأحبائها على مدار أشهر من الحصار الإسرائيلي الوحشي على غزة، كما شهدت فظائع لا يراها إلا الجنود على جبهات القتال. لم تتوهم دينا ان استضافة ليان ستكون سهلة ولكنها اخبرتني: “لكني توقعت أكثر حزناً نوعاً ما.”

وعندما خرجت ليان من أبواب مطار اوهاير اخيراً، خزن بهاء الكرسي المتحرك في الصندوق ووضع ليان في الكرسي الخلفي بجانب بناته. دينا، والتي كانت تجلس في كرسي السائق، صُعقت عندما تحدثت ليان لأول مرة.

“ما صوت الطنين هذا؟” سألت ليان باللغة العربية، حيث أتت الى الولايات المتحدة دون ان تعرف أي كلمة باللغة الإنجليزية. وكان صوتها يعبر عن الانزعاج.  

ثم أجاب بهاء: “يجب على دينا ارتداء حزام الأمان.”

 “حسناً، ماذا تنتظرين بحق الجحيم؟” صاحت ليان، وهي تحدق في دينا “ارتدي الحزام اللعين. لقد تسببت لي بالصداع.”

تحولت ابتسامات سارة وسلمى وسرين المُترقبة الى عبوس مليء بالقلق، ودينا بدأت تتسأل بذاتها ما الذي ورطت نفسي فيه؟ وبدأت عائلة عساف تكتشف ان ضيفتهم غاضبة لدرجة لا تسمح لها حتى بأن تشعر بالحزن.

ليان الباز تنظر الى انعكاسها في المرأة خلال الرحلة لموعد العلاج الطبيعي في مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال في شيكاغو. الندوب على وجهها ناتجة عن الغارة الجوية الإسرائيلية التي أجبرت الأطباء على بتر رجليها.

في اللغة العربية، يُمكن ان يحمل جذر كلمة مبتور معنى أخر وهو “ناقص،” وهذه تبدو كإشارة انه من الممكن فصل شيئاً محوري للفرد لدرجة انه لا يمكن اعتباره كاملاً بعد ذلك. الشخص الذي يتعرض لبتر تعرض لتغيير عن النموذج المفترض للجسد، كالرواية التي يتم تمزيق فصول منها وتفقد جزءً حاسماً منها.

عند الحديث عن غزة، كل ما نملكه هو قصص مبتورة او فُتات من الحقيقة الكاملة. حتى أكثر نقطة بيانات مفصلية في أي حرب، وهي حصيلة القتلى، ناقصة. في وقت الكتابة، احصت السلطات الصحية في غزة اكثر من 39000 حالة وفاة، ولكن بسبب التدمير الحاصل للبنية التحتية في القطاع، وبسبب وجود العديد من الوفيات المدفونة عميقاً تحت الأنقاض والتي لا يمكن احصائها، فأن السلطات تُشدد في كل تقرير تصدره ان هذه الاحصائيات منقوصة.  في شهر حزيران/يونيو، نشرت مجلة ذا لانسيت (The Lancet) مقالاً يُقدر بأن الحصار الإسرائيلي قد ينتج عنه 186000 وفاة، أي 7.9 بالمئة من سكان غزة. ولكن اكتشاف الحصيلة الحقيقة قد يتطلب عدة سنوات، هذا إذا اكتشفناها اصلاً.

فيما يتعلق بالأطفال، بعض ما نعرفه انه بحلول شهر أيار قُتل حوالي 15000 طفل وأصيب 12000 بينما يُعتبر 21000 طفلاً في عداد المفقودين. فيما يتعلق بالمصابين، قال بعض الأطباء انهم عالجوا أطفال “مُزقت أجسادهم” بسبب القنابل، او سحقوا بسبب المباني المنهارة، او يعانوا من إصابات من طلقات نارية في الرأس. العديد من المرضى الأطفال بُترت واحدة او أكثر من سيقانهم او أذرعهم. لحد الان لا نملك سوى إحصائية وحيدة متعلقة بالصغار مبتوري الأطراف، وهي تقرير لمنظمة الأمم المتحدة للطفولة (يونيسف) يُبين انه بين السابع من تشرين الأول/اكتوبر والتاسع والعشرين من تشرين الثاني/نوفمبر عام 2023، فقد أكثر من 1000 طفل واحد او أكثر من اطرافهم. وقال متحدث باسم المنظمة في شهر حزيران/يونيو ان المنظمة لا تستطيع جمع احصائيات أكثر حداثة “بسبب التحديات الناتجة عن الظروف في الميدان.”

هذا متوقع، حيث يعتبر توفر الاحصائيات الرسمية على نطاق البلد لأعداد الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف عادةً نادراً في معظم الصراعات. ولكن ما هو واضح اننا نشهد أسرع واشد عملية تعجيز جماعية للأطفال في حياتنا. عندما ينقشع الغبار، قد تمتلك غزة أكبر عدد من الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف مقارنة بأي حرب في التاريخ الحديث.

د.غسان أبو ستة، اخصائي جراحة تجميلية وترميمية يختص في الإصابات التي يتعرض لها الأطفال في الصراعات والذي قضى اكثر من شهر في غزة يعمل مع منظمة أطباء بلا حدود في بداية الحرب، متيقن ان هذه ستكون الحقيقة على ارض الواقع. وحسبما قال لصحيفة النيويوركير (The New Yorker)، فأن تجربته في غزة زادت من إصراره على تقييم الحجم الكامل للازمة التي شهدها. أخبرني ابوستة وهو يضع يداه على جانب رأسه خلال محادثة عبر الفيديو من منزله في لندن: “خلال الـ 43 يوم التي قضيتها هناك، قمت بعمليات بتر أكثر ما قمت به خلال 20 عام من عملي كجراح في الحروب. اردت ان افهم الصورة الكاملة لما يحدث.”

بدأ ابوستة بالتواصل مع جراحين اخرين -بعضاً منهم عاد مؤخراً بعد فترة في غزة وبعضهم لا يزال هناك- وواحداً تلو الأخر قدموا تفاصيل تتماشى مع تجربته هناك. ابوستة أدرك ان ما يشاهده هو والأطباء الاخرين قد يؤدي الى رقم قياسي في عدد الحالات، وهذه كانت حقيقة مرة من اسوء أنواعها. وهو يقدر حالياً اعداد الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف في غزة بحوالي 4000 الى 4500 حتى الان.

ولوضع الأمور في سياقها فأنه حسب تقرير لاسوشيتد برس (Associated Press) فأنه خلال عامان ونصف من الصراع في أوكرانيا، فقد حوالي 20000 شخص واحد او اكثر من اطرافهم. وبحسب شهادات الطواقم الطبية والباحثين في مركز أبحاث الأطفال المصابين في انفجارات، وهو مشروع مشترك بين كلية لندن الإمبراطورية ومؤسسة انقاذ الطفل، فأن عدد الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف في أوكرانيا يبلغ حوالي 1200 حالة.

عند النظر لتقدير ابوستة لعدد الحالات من وجهة نظر أخرى وإذا نظرنا لمعدل عدد الطلاب في المدارس الحكومية في الولايات المتحدة وهو 550 طالب، فيمكننا التخيل أن هذا يعادل فقدان كافة الطلاب في 8 او 9 مدارس في منطقة تقريباً بحجم مدينة فيلادلفيا على الأقل واحد من اطرافهم. ونتخيل ايضاً ان عمليات البتر هذه جاءت بالتزامن من وابل من المَآسِي الأخرى كفقدان افراد من عائلاتهم واصدقائهم وجيرانهم ومدارسهم ومنازلهم.

بالإضافة لهذا لنتخيل ايضاً ان الأمل الوحيد لاستعادة أي شكل من الاستقرار الجسدي يتطلب من هؤلاء الأطفال مغادرة بيتهم حيث تم تدمير المصنع الوحيد للأطراف الصناعية في غزة ومركز إعادة التأهيل المرتبط به في غارة جوية إسرائيلية قبل عدة أشهر. ونتيجة لهذا، فأن العديد من العائلات التي بُترت أطراف أطفالهم يسعوا لإجلائهم للحصول على الرعاية الطبية في الخارج. العديد من الالتماسات المستميتة تملأ مواقع التواصل الاجتماعي والقليل منهم يحصل على ما يمكن وصفه بالتذكرة الرابحة للمنحوسين بشدة. الدول التي تستقبل الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف من غزة تستقبل اعداد قليلة جداً نسبياً منهم.

اما الأطفال الذين يجدوا طريقاً للخروج، فعليهم ان يركبوا الطائرة لمناطق بعيدة. وفي حالة ليان، فهذه المنطقة تبعد أكثر من 6000 ميل عن كل ما تعرفه وكل من تعرفه.

تجلس ليان في الكرس المتحرك خلال جلسة علاج طبيعي، بينما تمسك الام المستضيفة دينا عساف بأحد الأطراف الصناعية التجريبية التي ستستعملها ليان لحين تجهيز الأطراف الدائمة.

ترعرعت ليان في منطقة القرارة في ضواحي مدينة خان يونس، وهي الطفلة العاشرة في عائلة مكونة من 11 فرد.  معظم اخوتها واخواتها أكبر بكثير منها ولديهم أطفال تسميهم ليان “الشياطين الصغار،” والذين قاموا في احدى المرات بإشعال النار في الستائر للتسلية بينما كانت أمها ترعاهم. وكان والدها يعمل في مجال البناء في إسرائيل، وهذه تعتبر وظيفة ذات اجر جيد بالنسبة لفلسطينيي غزة إذا تمكنوا من اصدار تصريح. وكان والدها يبقى في إسرائيل خلال أيام الأسبوع ويعود في العطلة الأسبوعية للمنزل، بينما كانت ليان وأخيها الأصغر وسيم يتصارعوا من اجل الحصول على انتباهه من خلال إبلاغه بتجاوزات الاخر خلال غيابه.

ليان بدأت بارتداء الحجاب عندما كانت في الصف الخامس بسبب إصرار اعمامها المتشددين، والذين وصفتهم بأنهم “يتصورا أنفسهم انهم شيوخ.” لم تحب ليان ان يحدد أحداً ما يجب ان تعمله وهو أحد أسباب انسجامها مع صديقتها المفضلة سما. الفتاتان كانتا جريئتان وعابثتان. سما لم ترتدي الحجاب وفضلت ارتداء القمصان قصيرة الكم والبناطيل الضيقة ولم تتردد في رد الازدراء الذي قد يعبر عنه بعض الناس عند مرورها عنهم في الشارع بالمثل.

في بعض الأحيان، كانت ليان وسما يذهبن الى مطاعم في مدينة غزة حيث لا يتعرف عليهم أحد لكي يدعّوا انهن شابات صغيرات كي يروا من سيصدق هذه الخدعة. وكنّ يتحدوا بعضهن البعض في الشِعر ليروا من منهن تكتب مقطوعة شعرية أفضل. في احدى المرات، سرقن كتاب العمل الخاص بأحد المعلمين ووزعوا أسئلة الاختبار على زملائهم في الصف. ولكي يجعلوا صداقتهم المميزة رسمية أعطت سما لليان قلادة مُعلق عليها شمس بينما ارتدت سما قلادة متوافقة مُعلق عليها قمر.

في صباح يوم السابع من تشرين الأول/اكتوبر 2023، كانت ليان في طريقها للمدرسة عندما اخترق وابل من الصواريخ السماء فوق رأسها، مما جعلها تمسك طرف زيها وتركض نحو المنزل. وعند وصولها للمنزل اتصلت بسما.

“هل ستذهبين للمدرسة؟” سألت ليان.

واجابتها سما: “لا، انا خائفة جداً. “

كان منزل ليان قريباً من الحدود مع إسرائيل، وكانت قد اعتادت على البقاء في منزل اختها التي تسكن في عمق مدينة غزة كلما اندلع القتال بين حماس وإسرائيل. وهذا ما فعلته يوم السابع من تشرين الأول/اكتوبر، ولكن هذه المرة ذهبت ولم تعد. بعد مرور بضعة أيام من اعمال العنف، وصل والدا ليان خبراً مفاده ان منزلهم تم تدميره. وسرعان ما أصبحوا كالآلاف من الفلسطينيين غيرهم محشورين في ملجأ للحي ممتلئ عن بكرة ابيه.

وكانت سما تزور ليان في الملجأ. وفي أحد الأيام في منتصف شهر تشرين الأول/اكتوبر تشاجرت سما مع فتاة علقت ساخرة على ما كانت ترتديه. وحينها توسلت ليان لصديقتها لكي تتغاضى عما حصل، ولكن سما رفضت ذلك. وقالت ليان: “سما كانت منزعجة وفي نفس الوقت كانت مكتئبة. وكانت تريد ان تنفس عن غضبها.” قامت سما بمسك الفتاة من كتفها ودفعها نحو الحائط، ثم تدخلت والدة الفتاة وصفعت سما على وجهها. ثم تدخل افراد من عائلة ليان لردع سما ومنعها من الانتقام، بينما تجمع الناس حولهم للمشاهدة.

ابتسمت ليان بينما كانت تسترجع الحادثة. سما كما عرفتها لم تتراجع ابداً.

بعد مرور أربعة أيام على الحادثة، قُتلت سما مع معظم افراد عائلتها بعدما دمرت قنبلة إسرائيلية منزلهم. عندما اخبرتها إحدى اخواتها بوجود شهداء في مستشفى قريب يحملوا اسم عائلة سما، قامت ليان بالاتصال بهاتف صديقتها المحمول مراراً وتكراراً ولكن دون جدوى. وهرعت الى المستشفى ثم رأت والدة سما، لا تزال حية، في الرواق، “وقلت لنفسي حينها، لقد فقدنا سما،” استذكرت ليان.

سمعت ليان الأطباء يخبروا والدة سما انها يمكنها ان ترى ابنتها لأخر مرة، ولكن حذروها من ذلك، لأن جسد سما كان ممزق وسيكون مشهد شنيع. ثم هزت والدتها رأسها رافضة ان تراها.

ولكن ليان ارادت ان ترى صديقتها، ولم “أكن اكترث” بتحذيرات الأطباء حسبما قالت. “سما كانت حياتي كلها.”

ولكن ما رأته ليان لم يكن جسداً، كان عبارة عن “جذع وايدي،” كما روت. ولكنها وجدت الطمأنينة بتسلسل الاحداث هذا لأن سما لم تكن حية لترى ما سيحصل بعد تسعة أيام، حينما فقدت ليان سيقانها. وتقول ليان: “لو رأتني سما هكذا، كانت ستموت من الحزن.”

الغارة الجوية حدثت عند الرابعة صباحا يوم 27 تشرين الأول/اكتوبر. وكانت ليان تسكن مع عدة أعضاء من عائلتها في منزل اختها إخلاص، والتي انجبت طفلاً حديثاً أسمته “عودة،” بمعنى “الرجعة.”   وفي ذلك الوقت كانت ليان مستيقظة وكانت تستعد لمساعدة اختها الأخرى ختام في إعطاء الدواء لابنتها جنى البالغة من العمر خمسة أعوام. وقالت ليان: “كنت اتحرك باتجاهها عندما اصطدم الصاروخ وسقطتُ على الأرض.” ثم انهارت كتلة ضخمة من الاسمنت في الغرفة وكانت كبيرة لدرجة انها تهيأ لها انها ملأت المكان. “ختام وجنى قُتلتا فوراً تحت ناظري،” قالت ليان ” لهذا اليوم الصورة لا تفارق ذهني. حدثت امامي مباشرةً.”

بعد هذا اصطدم صاروخ اخر بالمبنى وشعرت ليان بجسدها يطير في الهواء. عند استرجاع الحادثة، تتذكر ليان بانها كانت تسقط، وتسقط، وتسقط، حيث هوى جسدها من ستة طوابق قبل ان يرتطم بالأرض. على الأرجح أن شدة الاصطدام هي ما هشمت ساقيها لحد غير قابل للترميم. وفي كل مكانٍ حولها، انهمرت الشظايا والحطام كالمطر.

وبعد مرور وقت، نقلت سيارة إسعاف ليان لمستشفى ناصر، وهو نفس المكان الذي شهد ولادة عودة قبل 48 ساعة. تذكرت ليان ان أحد الأطباء كان يقول “الى الثلاجة” كناية عن المشرحة عندما هرعوا لإدخالها، ولكن رد عليه أحد المسعفين قائلاً “لا، لا يزال لديها نبض، ولكنه ضعيف.”

أُخذت ليان لغرفة العمليات، حيث تم بتر ساقيها دون تخدير، لم تعي ما كان يحدث حولها ولم تشعر سوى بالألم الحارق. وكانت تصرخ “اليس لديكم أي رحمة،” ولكن صرخاتها لم تلق مجيباً.

ولكنها لم تستوعب ما حصل إلا في وقت لاحق، عندما كانت مستلقية على الحمالة في المصعد وتحسست مكان القطع في رجلها اليمنى، ثم صاحت “لقد قطعوا أرجلي!”

ما تذكرته بعد هذا هو استيقاظها في غرفة المستشفى، حيث تواجد والداها وعائلتها واصدقائها. “اول شيء سألتُ عنه هو القلادة،” قالت “هي الشيء الوحيد المتبقي لي من سما.” ثم ركضت صديقتها خلود نحو سريرها متبسمة لتطمأنها ثم قالت: “انها معي، يا ليان. سأعطيك إياها عندما تتحسن صحتك.” ولكن ليان علمت بعد هذا ان هذه لم تكُن الحقيقة، لعل خلود كانت تحاول طمأنتها من خلال الكذب عليها. القلادة فُقدت في غياهب الحطام في غزة صحبة هاتف ليان المحمول والذي يحتوي على كل ما تُقدسه من صور وفيديوهات لسما وعائلتها وحياتها قبل الحرب.

سألت ليان والدها عما حدث لمن كانوا في المنزل عندما اصطدم به الصاروخ، لأنها لم تثق بذاكرتها، وأجاب والدها: ” الله يرحمهم.” ختام وجنى لم يكونوا الضحايا الوحيدين للقصف، بل رافقهم إخلاص والرضيع عودة كذلك.

في تلك الليلة حاولت والدة ليان غسل شعرها المتلبد بسبب بقايا الدماء والتراب والحطام، ولكنها سرعان ما يئست من المحاولة.  “بناتها قتلوا، واحفادها قتلوا، كيف يمكن ان يتوقع أحد منها ان تجلس لتنظف شعري،” قالت ليان. بدلاً من ذلك قامت والدتها بإحضار مقص وقص شعرها بالكامل.

ليان تضحك وهي تمسك فاتورة في متجر. منذ إجلائها، قدر برنامج الأغذية العالمي يواجه 96 بالمئة من سكان غزة انعدامًا حادًا في الأمن الغذائي، وإن المنطقة تواجه خطر مجاعة قائم.

في الأشهر القليلة التالية، خضعت ليان لخمس عمليات جراحية، ولم تكن تحت التخدير إلا في واحدة منها.  وحاربت الحمى والالتهابات والاضطرابات الكلوية، ولكن حالتها النفسية المتدهورة كانت أكبر مُسبب للقلق لعائلتها. عندما خرجت من مستشفى ناصر بسبب الحاجة لاستخدام سريرها بعد قدوم موجة جديدة من الضحايا، أعادها والديها الى الملجأ الذي يسكنوا فيه، ولكن كان من الواضح ان ليان لم تكن بحالة تسمح بوجودها حول الغرباء المتلصصين. لذا، اخذوها لمنزل جدها وجدتها، وهو عبارة عن بناية متعددة الطوابق تعج بالأقرباء والأصدقاء والجيران المُهجرين.

ولكن الأمور ازدادت سوءاً، ومجرد النظر الى الناس وهم يمشوا أصبح يُغضب ليان، ورؤية الأطفال يركضوا ويلعبوا كان أكبر من قدرتها على الاحتمال. عمها احمد حاول السيطرة على الوضع وأمر الفتيات الاخريات في المبنى أن “يتركوها لوحدها. ممنوع ان يتكلم أحد مع ليان.” كلما ارادات ان تبحث عن متنفس على سطح المبنى، كان يقوم عمها بإخلاء الممر والمصعد لكي تصل للسطح دون أي عقبات.

 عندما يفقد طفلاً أحد اطرافه فالوقت غاية في الأهمية، حيث ان سرعة الحصول على الرعاية وإعادة التأهيل المتخصصان تزيد من فرصهم في التأقلم جسدياً على المدى البعيد. أخت ليان اريج والتي تعيش في أوروبا بعثت رسائل لعدة اشخاص على أمل ان يقدموا المساعدة. ثم قام أحد الصحفيين يدعى محمد الشاعر بنشر منشور عن ليان على حسابه على انستغرام، حيث يملك اكثر من 100 الف متابع.

وبعد فترة وجيزة، لفتت قصة ليان انتباه رجل امريكي في العقد الرابع من عمره يُدعى ستيف سوسيبي.سوسيبي صاحب العيون شديدة الزراق والبنية المتينة يشبه لاعب كرة قدم سابق أكثر من كونه عامل إغاثة لفترة طويلة، ينحدر من اوهايو وعمل في تسعينات القرن الماضي كصحفي مستقل في غزة، مما الهمه ليؤسس جمعية إغاثة أطفال فلسطين  (PCRF) الخيرية لنقل الأطفال المرضى والمصابين الى الولايات المتحدة الامريكية لتلقي الرعاية الطبية مجاناً. سوسيبي شهد صراعات في غزة في الماضي ولكن يرى ان ما يحدث حالياً مُختلف تماماً، حيث قالً: “انها عملية إبادة جماعية. خلال عملي لأكثر من ثلاثين عام هناك لم أرى أي شيء يشبه ما يحدث حالياً.”

بسبب وجود توثيق مرئي على الانترنت على مدار الساعة للفظائع المرتكبة، قال العديد من المحاميين الحقوقيين أن العالم يشهد إبادة جماعية على البث المباشر. وهذا ما يتفق عليه عدد متزايد من الخبراء القانونيين. في شهر كانون الثاني /يناير، أمرت محكمة العدل الدولية إسرائيل بأن تتخذ “كل التدابير الممكنة في قدرتها لمنع” أعمال الإبادة الجماعية “ومنع ومعاقبة التحريض المباشر والعلني لارتكاب الإبادة الجماعية.” كما أصدرت المحكمة قراراً اخراً في شهر تموز/يوليو ينص ان السياسات الاستيطانية الإسرائيلية في الأراضي الفلسطينية غير قانونية. بالإضافة لذلك فقد قدمت المحكمة الجنائية الدولية طلبات لإصدار أوامر قبض ضد رئيس الوزراء الإسرائيلي بنيامين نتنياهو ووزير الدفاع يوآف غالانت بسبب جرائم الحرب والجرائم ضد الإنسانية، بما يشمل ” تجويع المدنيين كأسلوب من أساليب الحرب،” و ” تعمد توجيه هجمات ضد السكان المدنيين،” و “الاضطهاد،” و “الإبادة.” كما قدمت المحكمة الجنائية الدولية طلبات لأوامر قبض ضد ثلاثة من قادة حماس.

في بداية عام 2024، مع ازدياد القصف على غزة، أطلق سوسيبي منظمة غير حكومية جديد تدعى هييل (HEAL) فلسطين أي منظمة الصحة والتعليم والإغاثة والقيادة لفلسطين. بالشراكة بينهم، تقوم جمعية إغاثة أطفال فلسطين وهييل بإجلاء الأطفال المصابين في الصراع لدول اجنبية، بما في ذلك الولايات المتحدة. وهذا العمل يتطلب كمية هائلة من الجهد والأموال والبنية التحتية التنظيمية. وقامت هييل بإجلاء تسعة أطفال مبتوري الأطراف منذ الخريف الماضي. اما ليان، فقد حصلت على الموافقة لتلقي العلاج في مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال في بداية عام 2024 ثم سافرت الى مصر مع احدى قريباتها للحصول على تأشيرة للولايات المتحدة. منذ ذلك الحين، قامت إسرائيل ببسط سيطرتها على معبر رفح الحدودي مع مصر، مما يعرقل الإجلاء الطبي. وبحسب تقرير من شبكة سي بي اس الإخبارية (CBS News) في تموز/يوليو ، فأن “عُمال الإغاثة يقولوا أن هذا جعل إنقاذ الأطفال شبه مستحيل.” وبالرغم من هذا، فأن هييل تعمل حالياً من اجل نقل 12 طفلاً مبتوري الأطراف لخارج غزة.

معظم المنتفعين من خدمات هييل يسافروا مع مُرافق – اما أحد والديهم او اخد الاخوة الأكبر سناً، على سبيل المثال – ويسكنوا إما في إسكان المستشفى او مع عائلات متطوعة تسكن بالقرب من مكان تلقيهم العلاج. ولكن منظمة هييل ارتأت انه من الأسهل الحصول على مكان إقامة لليان إذا أتت للولايات المتحدة لوحدها. اخت ليان القاطنة في أوروبا، والتي أصبحت نقطة التواص الرئيسية مع هييل بسبب الانقطاعات في الاتصالات في غزة أيدت المنظمة بأن ليان يجب ان تسافر لوحدها إذا عنى ذلك تلقيها الرعاية دون الحاجة للانتظار أكثر. ليان اشتاطت غضباً بسبب سفرها لوحدها قائلة: “الكل أتى مع مرافق. الكل باستثنائي.”

 وصلت ليان الى شيكاغو وهي مُصرة على اثبات نفسها للغرباء الذين ستعيش معهم.

تنزل ليان على السلالم بمساعدة اخصائية العلاج الطبيعي. جراح تقويم العظام المسؤول عن حالتها حذّر انها إذا عادت لغزة سوف تتلف أطرافها الصناعية بسرعة بسبب الركام.

عائلة عساف تنحدر من الأردن، حيث أتت دينا الى الولايات المتحدة بعمر الخامسة وبهاء بسن الثامنة عشر، وتعرفوا على بعضهم في دورة للغة الإنجليزية في الكلية المجتمعية. بهاء البالغ من العمر 40 عاماً يعمل حالياً كرئيس القسم المالي في معرض سيارات، اما دينا البالغة من العمر 38 عاماً فهي ربة منزل. العائلة تتابع الاخبار القادمة من غزة عن كثب وتعارض الحرب، كما شارك بهاء في مظاهرات محلية مطالبة بوقف إطلاق نار. وعلم بهاء عن حالة ليان من خلال صديق لديه ارتباط مع منظمة هييل. وبعد التصويت، اتفق دينا وبهاء وبناتهم بالإجماع على استقبال ليان في منزلهم.

دينا وبهاء كانا عاقدا العزم على جعل ليان تشعر كأنها جزء من عائلتهم وأنها لا تختلف عن بناتهم. وقرروا وضعها في غرفة في الطابق العلوي حيث ينام الجميع بالرغم من توفر غرفة في الطابق الأرضي حيث الوصول أسهل، لأنهم لم يريدوها ان تشعر بالعزلة. كما تأكدوا من وجود نفس إطار التخت والزينة ودمى الحيوانات المحشوة الموجودة في غرف بناتهم في نهاية الرواق.

خلال الرحلة من مطار اوهاير، أعلنت ليان بأنها لا تريد أي علاقة بعائلة عساف وتريد ان تبقى في غرفتها طوال الوقت. وعندما رأت مكان إقامة عائلة عساف، وهو منزل طوب كبير، امتعضت قائلة انه لا بد أن دينا وبهاء يعملوا كتجار مخدرات والا لن يستطيعوا تحمل تكلفة شراء منزل كهذا. ولكن دينا اجابت “كل ما في الأمر اننا نعمل بجد،” ثم قهقهت ليان بصوتٍ عالٍ لدرجة انه أفزع دينا.

رفضت ليان ان تسمح لبهاء بحملها على الدرج للوصول لغرفتها، وبدلاً من ذلك قامت بدفع نفسها للنزول على الكرسي المتحرك وتسلقت على الدرج لوحدها مستخدمة يديها لتأرجح افخاذها من درجة لدرجة ببراعة تضاهي براعة لاعبي الجمباز على عارضة التوازن. وعندما رأت ليان الغرفة التي حضرها لها دينا وبهاء، برقت عيناها وقالت “انها كبيرة،” ولم يسعها الى ان تبتسم ابتسامة طفيفة رغماً عن ذاتها.

بعد هذا أدركت عائلة عساف ان ليان كانت تخشى من العلاج الطبي الذي سافرت كل هذه المسافة لتلقيه، حيث انها قضت عدة أسابيع في المستشفى مسبقاً ولم تريد تكرار هذه التجربة. إلا ان مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال معتاد على التعامل مع الأطفال الذين يحتاجوا للبقاء للمستشفى لفترات طويلة، ومرافقه مهيئة ليشعر الأطفال بأنهم مرحب بهم. ان مجمع المستشفى مُزين بجداريات زاهية ويحتوي على طاولة للعب تنس الطاولة، كما يستضيف “يوم الابطال الخارقين،” حيث يقوم متطوعين بارتداء أزياء خاصة وتوزيع رداءات على للمرضى.

 خلال أولى زياراتها للمستشفى، التقت ليان بالمختصين المسؤولين عن علاجها وهم د.جيفري اكمان، جراح العظام للأطفال، وشون مالك، اخصائي الأطراف الصناعية وتقويم العظام المرخص، وانجيلا غورينو، اخصائية العلاج الطبيعي ذات الشعر الأشقر المائل للاحمرار والطابع البشوش.  ويعمل الفريق عن كثب لمساعدة ليان في إعادة التأهيل ومراقبة كل جزء من جسدها، أي العضلات، والعظام، والأعصاب، والجلد، للتأكد من تأقلمها مع استخدام الأطراف الصناعية في حياتها.

هناك اعتقاد دارج لدى أطباء عظام الأطفال بأنه خلال العمل مع مبتوري الأطراف، إذا طال جلوسهم في الكرسي يبدؤا بالتحول ليشبهوا هذا الكرسي أكثر فأكثر. يريد الأطباء ان يبدأ الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف باستخدام الأطراف الصناعية بأسرع وقت ممكن، وليان قد فقدت وقتاً ثميناً اصلاً. خلال الستة أشهر التي انقضت منذ عملية البتر، لم تتلقى أي علاج طبيعي، كما اختل توازن اوراكها بسبب اعتيادها على الميل على اتجاه واحد عند الجلوس في الكرسي المتحرك. من دون التدخل، يمكن ان يصيبها تقلص في الورك بمعنى حصول تضييق في أنسجة المفصل بطريقة تُثبت جسدها بموضع غير طبيعي للأبد. خلال عملية إعادة التأهيل، تحتاج ليان لارتداء مقوّم للظهر والورك لتصحيح توازن جسدها بالإضافة لارتداء جوارب ضغط للتقليل من الالتهاب في ما تبقى من رجليها. كما تحتاج الى القيام بتمارين الإطالة بشكل متكرر من اجل استقامة الجذع السفلي.

في ذات الوقت، كل واحدة من أرجل ليان شكلت تحدي قائم بذاته يعيق تعافيها، حيث ان رجلها اليسرى بُترت من فوق الركبة أي أن الطرف الاصطناعي على هذه الجهة يحتاج إضافة مفصل ركبة ميكانيكي يجب ان تتعلم كيفية استعماله. اما رجلها اليُمنى فأن الركبة لا تزال موجودة، ولكن الجلد الذي يحيط بها ممتلئ بالندوب ومحتمل أيضا وجود شظايا متداخلة به، مما يُصعب تركيب طرف اصطناعي لها. بالمجمل، فأن تعلم ليان المشي مجدداً يضاهي اتقان آلتين موسيقيتين وعزفهم في ذات الحين.

ليان لم تكن صبورة، وفي اول جلساتها العلاجية، ركب لها الطاقم أطراف تجريبية – وهي عبارة عن أرجل ألية المظهر تستخدم لغايات التدريب – وثم حاولت الإسراع لتصل الى جهاز الركض في الزاوية. “كان هذا حرفياً في اول يوم،” تقول غورينو “لم أكن اعرفها سوى لخمس دقائق حينها.”

ولكن ليان ايضاً سريعة التعلم. في البداية أراد الطاقم ان تبقى في مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال لمدة أسبوعين لتلقي العلاج المكثف، وبعد هذه الفترة تعود لمنزل عائلة عساف لبضعة أشهر تزور خلالها المستشفى في مواعيد دورية. ولكنها قامت بأداء جيد جداً في اول أسبوع وكانت منزعجة بسبب اضطرارها النوم في المستشفى مما دفع الطاقم ليقرر ان تعود لمنزل عائلة عساف مبكراً بشرطٍ واحد، وهو ان تقوم دينا بوعدهم ان تخبئ الارجل الصناعية عن ليان، لأنها قدد تتعرض لإصابة بالغة إذا حاولت استخدامهم دون رقابة.

عندما عادت ليان لمنزل عائلة عساف بعد قضائها أسبوع في مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال، سارة وسلمى وسيرين كنّ يختبئن خلف باب المنزل الرئيسي ثم انقضوا وأطلقوا حفن من الأوراق الملونة عند دخول ليان على الكرسي الذي تجره دينا. في تلك الليلة، دينا اخذت الأطراف الصناعية معها للسرير وخلدت للنوم بوجود الأطراف بينها وبين بهاء.

بهاء عساف، وليان، وسارة عساف (من اليسار الى اليمين) يضحكوا بينما يلعبوا لعبة سكيب-بو خلال ليلة الألعاب العائلية.

ومع مرور الأسابيع، تبدد غضب ليان الموجه نحو العائلة المستضيفة لها، حيث كانت دينا تجيب على نوبات الانفعال دون إظهار مشاعرها، وأصبحت ليان تحترم الحدود التي يتم وضعها لها، حتى لو أصبحت الكلمة الوحيدة التي اتقنتها باللغة الإنجليزية هي “لا.” ليان وسلمى وسارة، وطدوا علاقتهم بسبب حبهم المشترك للتجميل والرعاية بالبشرة. اما سيرين وهي أصغر فتيات عائلة عساف وتبلغ من العمر خمسة أعوام، كانت مبهورة بضيف عائلتها المميز وخبأت الأغراض الصغيرة التي اعطتها إياها ليان في شنتة ظهر مُزينة برسمات فراولة، بما في ذاك حوت لعبة ووعاء من السلايم زهري اللون.

لكن لم تغب غزة عن ذهن ليان، وفي احدى المرات شاركت فيديو مع دينا كانت تشاهده كل ما تشعر بالاشتياق لأخواتها. ويُظهر الفيديو والد ليان يقف بجانب جثثهن بعد سحبها من الركام ولفهن بأكفان على عجل. بدون هاتفها النقال وخزينة صور العائلة المحفوظة عليه، هذه كانت الطريقة الوحيدة التي يمكن لليان ان ترى بها أخواتها ختام وإخلاص.

في عصر يوم ثلاثاء في شهر نيسان/أبريل، تلقت ليان مكالمة هاتفية اعادتها لفظائع الحرب. بينما كانت دينا تقوم بتنظيف المنزل استعداداً لاستضافة إفطار رمضاني بعد نهاية يوم من الصيام، أتت سيرين لها وقالت والصدمة تعلو وجهها “امي، اعتقد ان ليان تعاني من خطبٍ ما.” ثم سمعت دينا الصراخ في الأعلى.

هرعت دينا لغرفة ليان ووجدتها في كرسيها المتحرك. “لماذا يحدث هذا؟” قالت ليان باكية “لقد فقدت الكثير من الناس.”

كانت ليان قد تلقت اتصال من قريبها ليخبرها ان والدها واخاها الأكبر كرم قد قتلوا في إطلاق نار من طائرة إسرائيلية على موقع الخيمة التي كانوا يسكنوا فيها. دينا قالت لليان ان تهدأ وتتنفس، ولكن ليان صاحت: “من سيعتني بعائلتي. من سيطعمهم؟” كان والدها وكرم مُعيلي العائلة وكانوا يعتنوا بأطفال اقربائهم الذين قتلوا في غارات جوية سابقة.  ليان صرخت تستجدي لله متمنية ان تعرف لماذا يحصل هذا.

 ركضت دينا لتبلغ بهاء في مكان عمله واخبرته انه يجب ان يُبلغ جميع المدعوين للعشاء ان العشاء تم الغاءه. وعندما عادت دينا للغرفة وجدت ليان تلطم.

وقالت ليان: “انظري الي. يا ليتني مت بدلاً منهم.”

“لا تقولي هذا،” قالت دينا “لماذا تتحدثي هكذا.”

“انظري الي” انفعلت ليان قائلة بصوت مليء بالازدراء “ليس لدي أرجل.” ثم سألت: “هل يمكنك رؤية وجهي؟” مُشيرة الى ندبة متعرجة تمتد من طرف شعرها لقصبة انفها.

وفي موجة من الحزن وكره الذات استمرت ليان بالقول: “لن أكون طبيعية ابداً. من قد يرغب بزواج فتاة مثلي؟” هل سأطلب من زوجي ان يساعدني بإزالة رجلي الصناعية عند الذهاب للسرير في الليل للنوم؟ من سيفعل هذا؟ من يتقبل هذا؟ إذا كان هناك أحد يجب ان يموت فهو انا.”

 دينا تمكنت من اقناع ليان بأن تخبرها مع من تحدثت على الهاتف، وعندما أدركت دينا انها لم تتحدث مع قريب من الدرجة الأولى، تواصلت مع وكيل لمنظمة هييل وطلبت منه ان يجد احداً في الميدان في غزة يمكنه تعقب عائلة ليان لاكتشاف ما حصل.

بعد فترة وجيزة، علمت دينا ان كرم لا يزال على قيد الحياة بالرغم من اصابته برصاصة في كتفه، وأن والد ليان مصاب وحالته حرجة. ولكن، أحد اخوة ليان الأخرين وهو ناجي البالغ من العمر 17 عاماً هو من قُتل.

 دينا نقلت الخبر لليان. ثم تبين ان ناجي كان قد اتصل ثلاث مرات في اليوم السابق لكنها لم تُجيب. “كان يجب ان اجيب على الهاتف، لماذا لم اُجيب؟” قالت ليان باكية.

وفي الأسبوع التالي لوفاة ناجي، خافت ليان من النوم بعد غياب الشمس، وقالت لدينا “انا أكره الليل. أتمنى لو لم يأتي الليل.” عندما يتأخر الوقت ويعم الصمت لا تفلح ليان في إيقاف افكارها المتسارعة.

طلبت ليان من بهاء ودينا ان يسهروا معها حتى الفجر، وحاولوا قصارى جهدهم حيث لعبوا عدد لا يحصى من جولات لعبة سكيب-بو وشاهدوا حلقة تلو الأخرى من المسلسلات التركية حتى وقت متأخر من الليل. في النهاية، يضطر بهاء للذهاب للنوم لأنه لديه عمل في الصباح بينما تُكمل دينا الوردية لوحدها. في بعض الأحيان يغلب دينا النوم، وتبدأ ليان بالبكاء لدرجة تيقظها من النوم.

لا تخلد ليان للنوم إلا عندما يستيقظ جميع افراد المنزل وتشرق الشمس.

تساعد ليان سلمى عساف على وضع المكياج. ليان، والتي سافرت للولايات المتحدة لوحدها، انسجمت مع بنات عائلة عساف بعد فترة وجيزة. 

عندما تواصلت مع عائلة عساف لأول مرة حول اجراء مقابلة مع ليان، وصفها بهاء بأنها فتاة لطيفة قائلاً “لا يبدو عليها انها مرت بما مرت به.” ثم تحدثت مع ليان على الهاتف وكانت مُنفتحة لمقابلتي وايمان محمد، وهي مصورة من أصول غزاوية تعمل في الولايات المتحدة. وقبل أيام قليلة من السفر الى شيكاغو لمقابلتها، بدأت التحذيرات بالظهور. مُنسقة المرضى في منظمة هييل في ذلك الوقت دنيا سعد، اخبرتني ان ليان “قد تكون مُتقلبة المزاج،” ولديها عادة في تغيير رأيها على هواها. كما وضحت لي دينا انني “لا يجب ان أخذ أي شيء تقوله على محمل شخصي.”

في وسط نيسان، عندما وصلت الى باب منزل عائلة عساف، استقبلتنا دينا وهي ترتدي قميص حرير وردي مكوي، وكان في شعرها خصل شقراء بين شعرها المنساب. وتتحدث باللغة الإنجليزية بلهجة طفيفة.

ثم ظهرت سارة بابتسامتها العريضة وهي تدفع ليان على كرسيها المتحرك للأمام، ولكن ليان لم تكن تبتسم. كانت تحدق الينا بهدوء وقالت وهي تقلب اعينها “حسناً، دعنا ننتهي من هذا الامر.” ثم استدارت في كرسيها وذهبت لغرفة المعيشة.

ثم جلسنا مع دينا على اريكة زاوية بينما حددت ليان كيف سيمضي اليوم، وقالت “لا أريدكم ان تظهروا إصابتي في الصور. ” كنا قد تحدثنا مسبقاً على الهاتف حول الصور وكانت ليان قد وافقت على ان تدع ايمان تصورها، ولكني أدركت ان ليان الان تختلف عما كانت عليه قبل عدة أسابيع. كان علينا ان نحترم – ونرضى بـ – الشخص الموجود امامنا.

ليان لا تحب أن ينظر الغرباء الى أرجلها المبتورة ولا تريد شفقتهم، وهي بالتأكيد ليست مهتمة بإلقاء نظرة على حياتهم السعيدة والغير متأثرة بالحرب او الفقدان.

كان من الواضح ان ليان تهتم بمظهرها. في سن الرابع عشر، وعيها الذاتي حول مظهرها يكون شديد في كل الأحوال ولكن بسبب البتر التي تعرضت له فهذا الوعي كان مفرط بشدة. كانت ترتدي بذلة رياضية من نوع كالفن كلاين وكانت عيناها مُحددة بلون ابيض، وذكرني وجهها الدائري الجميل بسيلينا غوميز. وفي احدى المرات اخبرتها مُترجمة في المستشفى بانها تشبه المغنية اللبنانية الشهيرة ماريتا، ويبدو ان هذا اسعد ليان.

ليان اخبرتنا انها لا تريد ان تكون محط للشفقة، وصاحت ثم رمت قارورة المياه على الأرض قائلة “المستقبل امامي. لن اتحمل إذا بحثت عن اسمي على جوجل عندما اكبر وكان وكل ما اراه هو صور لي وانا مصابة.” كانت تطالب بأن تحافظ على جزء من السيطرة على ظروفها، كما فعلت عندما قابلت عائلة عساف لأول مرة. كما رفضت بإصرار ان تصبح اعاقتها هي كل ما يعرف عنها.

وافقنا على ان ننفذ رغبة ليان فيما يتعلق بالصور ثم تحدثنا معها عن حياتها، والسابع من تشرين الأول/اكتوبر، والغارة الجوية التي بعثرت عائلتها. في مرحلة ما، اخذ الحديث منحنى فلسفي وتناقشنا حول طبيعة البشر وإذا كانوا طيبين بالفطرة. ليان عارضت هذه الفكرة بشدة، واستشهدت بدليل انه تم بتر رجليها دون تخدير، مُفترضة ان ذلك كان خيار الأطباء. “كنت اصرخ بشدة وفقدت وعيّ بسبب عُلو صراخي،” قالت لنا ثم أصدرت صوتاً بلسانها تعبيراً عن استيائها “بعد كل هذا، تريد ان تخبريني ان هناك خير في العالم؟”

وعندما أشرنا ان حجم الدمار في غزة أدى لافتقار العديد من المستشفيات للمقومات الأساسية، أصدرت ذات الصوت بلسانها وسألت: “انا اصبت في بداية الحرب، كيف نفذت المواد بهذه السرعة؟ لأنهم يعطوا هذه المواد فقط للأفراد أصحاب النفوذ.”

بدت كلماتها كأنها محاولة لتفسير ما لا معنى له ولتصارع الحقيقة المؤلمة وهي ان البالغين في حياتها عجزوا عن حمايتها من الكارثة التي حلت بها. من خلال اعتقادها ان الأطباء اختاروا إيذائها، فهي على الأقل تخلق منفذاً لتنفيس غضبها.

تقوم اخصائية العلاج الطبيعي بتعديل الأطراف الصناعية التجريبية لليان تحضيراً لتدريبها على المشي.

وضعنا خطة لنرافق ليان لجلسة العلاج الطبيعي في اليوم التالي، ولكن عندما وصلنا لمنزل عائلة عساف في الصباح، كان هناك ازمة تظهر للعيان. في محاولة للتخطيط للمستقبل، طلب ستيف سوسيبي ان يُرافق أحد متطوعي منظمة هييل ليان للموعد الطبي المحدد بعد بضعة أيام بدلا من دينا، ولكن هذا اغضب ليان ورفضت ان تنزل للطابق السفلي. “انا لست سلعة يتم تأجيرها لهؤلاء الأشخاص،” صاحت ليان بينما كانت دينا تقف هادئة في المطبخ وتملئ كوب وردي من نوع ستانلي بالماء، ثم اضافت ليان “هذه جلسة علاجي. لا اريد أي غرباء هناك.”

أبرز هذا الخلاف الحقيقة المزعجة المرتبطة في بعض الأحيان بتلقي الاعمال الخيرية. تعتمد المنظمات الغير حكومية كهييل على شبكة من المتطوعين والمانحين، وهم اشخاص متلهفين لمساعدة طفل خرج من غزة لدرجة انهم قد يستقبلوهم في المطار في بعض الأحيان محضرين صوراً وبالونات، ويدعوهم لتناول العشاء وللأنشطة العائلية وحدائق الملاهي. وهذا من ناحية أخرى يتطلب ان يمثل الطفل دوراً معينة وهو ان يبتسم ويقف لالتقاط الصور ويعبر عن امتنانه.

ليان لا تحب أن ينظر الغرباء الى أرجلها المبتورة ولا تريد شفقتهم، وهي بالتأكيد ليست مهتمة بإلقاء نظرة على حياتهم السعيدة والغير متأثرة بالحرب او الفقدان.

تنفست دينا الصعداء عندما علمت ان برنامج متطوع منظمة هييل لا يسمح لهم بحضور الموعد مع ليان. ولكن الان أصبحت الساعة تقريباً 11:30 وتأخرنا على مغادرة المنزل حيث تتطلب الطريق للمستشفى رحلة بالسيارة لمدة ساعة. نادت دينا وهي تنظر لأعلى السلالم قائلة “هيا يا ليان. انه ليس يوم عرسك، أسرعي.”

عندما خرجت ليان اخيراً، كانت ترتدي سترة لونها ازرق مُخضر وبنطال قصير متناسق مع السترة.  وضعت دينا حبتان كبيرات من المثبطات العصبية في يدها للمساعدة في تخفيف ألم وهم الاطراف، حيث شعرت ليان في بعض الأحيان بصدمة كهربائية تسير في مكان بتر رجليها وكأن جسدها ينادي على الأجزاء المفقودة منه التي لم تعد في مكانها.

عند الوصول للمستشفى، بدت ليان سعيدة برؤية أخصائية العلاج الطبيعي حيث حضنتها ونادت على اسمها مع مد مقاطعه دلالة على الود: “أننننجيييييييييلللااههه.” وبعد ذلك من خلال ترجمة دينا من اللغة العربية، علقت ليان ان غورينو كانت تضع مسكارا في ذلك اليوم. وكانت ليان دائماً تنتبه عندما تغير غورينو أي شي بمظهرها.

ثم أوضحت غورينو: “اليوم عيد ميلاد زوجي.”

وردت ليان قائلة “او لا لا!” وهي تغمز.

الهدف الرئيسي من العلاج هو جعل ليان تمشي باستخدام الأطراف الصناعية مع مساعدة تقل تدريجياً مع الوقت. وكانت غورينو قد ساعدتها على التقدم من استخدام أداة مساعدة المشي للانتقال لاستخدام عكازان تحت الكتف الى استخدام عكاز واحد فقط. ثم كانت حينها ليان مربوطة بحبل معلق على سكة في السقف مما يخولها بالمشي لوحدها. غورينو كانت تمسك الطرف الاخر من الحبل وتسحبه عندما تتعثر ليان، لتمسكها قبل ان تسقط على الأرض.

اما شون مالك، اخصائي الأطراف الصناعية، كان يشاهد حركة ليان عن كثب، وكان في بعض الأحيان يجري تعديلات على الأطراف الصناعية التجريبية، حيث كان يراقب مواصفات جسدها لكي يصمم الارجل المخصصة لها. وستكون هذه جاهزة خلال عدة أسابيع.

خلال الجلسة، جر مالك مرآة كامل ووضعها أمام ليان. وكان قد أخبرني “انها تحب النظر في المرآة.” كانت ليان تتمختر عند رؤية انعكاسها في المرآة، وكانت تتمايل بكل خطوة وتتمتم اغنية بالعربية بينها وبين نفسها لم أتمكن من سماعها.

سمحت ليان لإيمان بالتقاط بعض الصور لها وهي ترتدي الأطراف الصناعية ولكنها أبعدت الكاميرا عنها عندما كانت غورينو تقوم بتمارين الإطالة لجسدها دون الأطراف الصناعية. عندها، تذكرت الفيديو المؤلم الذي قالت فيه انها تريد أرجل حقيقة وليس صناعية، ولكن يبدو الان ان ما تريده ليان هو ان يراها العالم واقفة على قدميها، حتى لو كانوا مزيفات. ارادت ان تقف منتصبة القامة ببسالة وتكو جاهزة لاي شيء قد تواجهه.

تقف ليان في الحديقة الخلفية لمنزل عائلة عساف.

تتمكن منظمة هييل وغيرها من المنظمات التي تقوم بأعمال مشابهة من الحصول على تأشيرات للولايات المتحدة للأطفال كليان بناءً على شروط معينة. ومن هذه الشروط أن الذين تم اجلائهم لأسباب طبية لا يمكنهم تقديم طلب للحصول على لجوء سياسي ويجب ان يغادروا الدولة فور استكمال علاجهم. من منظور الحكومة الامريكية فأن مثل هذه القيود تهدف الى تفادي تحول برامج كـ هييل الى أساليب للتحايل على قوانين الهجرة.

لعدة سنوات كان سوبيسي راضٍ لحد عن هذا التفاهم. وفي معظم الأحيان كان الأطفال الذين تلقوا علاج مختص في الولايات المتحدة قادرين على الحصول على المتابعة التي يحتاجوها في الوطن، حيث كان النظام الصحي في غزة قوي كفاية للتعامل مع هذا. ولكن حصار إسرائيل قد غير هذه المعادلة. بحسب البيانات في شهر أيار/مايو، جرى اكثر من 450 هجوم على المرافق الطبية وتم تدمير او الحاق الضرر بـ 31 من اصل 36 مستشفى في غزة. والمستشفيات التي لا تزال عاملة عليها التركيز على الرعاية الطارئة وإنقاذ الحياة، عندما تتوفر الموارد. في تصريح في شهر حزيران/يونيو، قالت المنسقة الطبية لأطباء بلا حدود في فلسطين، غييميت توما: “إمداداتنا الطبية قليلة للغاية بسبب محدودية تدفق المساعدات التي تسمح السلطات الإسرائيلية بدخولها إلى غزة. وإذا لم نتمكن من جلب الإمدادات الطبية إلى غزة في القريب العاجل، فقد نضطر إلى وقف أنشطتنا الطبية.” وأضافت “لدينا مرضى يعانون من حروق شديدة وكسور مفتوحة، وليس لدينا حتى المسكنات الكافية لتخفيف معاناتهم.”

بسبب الوضع الحالي في غزة، فهناك سؤال فظيع يتبادر للذهن وهو: ماذا لو سافرت ليان هذه المسافة الكبيرة للولايات المتحدة لكي تتعلم المشي مجدداً ثم عادت لوطنها دون ان تجد الرعاية طويلة الأمد المطلوبة متوفرة لها؟ تقول إميلي مايهيو، وهي مؤرخة طبية عسكرية تعمل مع مركز أبحاث الأطفال المصابين في انفجارات، ان ” استمرار الحياة بعد النجاة كشخص مبتور الأطراف معقد للغاية.” واوضحت مايهيو أن أحد زملائها، وهو شخص يعاني من بتر في طرفين مثل ليان، يقوم بفحص درجة الحرارة يومياً وإذا كانت أكثر من 77 (فاهرنهايت – 25 درجة مئوية) يقرر البقاء غي المنزل اليوم التالي لأن الحرارة المرتفعة تجعل استعمال الأطراف الصناعية على مدار يومان متتاليان غير مريح. كما ذكرت مايهيو ان أحد الرياضيين في الاولمبياد الموازية عانى من نمو شعر تحت الجلد في مكان البتر، مما أدى الى التهاب شديد منعه من التدريب لمدة عام كامل.

هؤلاء الأمثلة هم بالغين، اما مبتوري الأطراف الأصغر سناً يعانوا من صعوبات فريدة، ففي العادة يحتاجوا لإجراءات طبية إضافية وأطراف صناعية جديدة تلائم نمو وتغيير أجسادهم. تلبية احتياجات الآلاف من الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف في غزة ستكون مهمة يصعب مواكبتها. وبحسب د.ابوستة، الجراح المقيم في لندن، يجب على اخصائية الأطراف الصناعية حول العالم ان يبدؤا بالتدريب الان لرعاية هؤلاء الأطفال بدلاً من ان ينتظروا حتى انتهاء الحرب. يجب ان يتناوب المختصين بشكل دوري لكي يزوروا غزة لتقديم العلاج، لأنه سيكون شبه مستحيل إجلاء كل الأطفال ليصلوا الاخصائيين. وقال: “يحتاج هؤلاء الأطفال ان يتلقوا العلاج في النظام الصحي الفلسطيني كيفما كان شكله.”

وبالإضافة لهذا، أوضح ابوستة ان غزة ذاتها يجب ان يتم إعادة تصورها لمؤامة جيل كامل من مبتوري الأطراف الصغار بالسن. “يجب ان تصبح مكاناً مختلفاً بما يتعلق بالوصول والاعاقات. المدارس التي يجب إعادة بنائها يجب ان تبدو مختلفة تماماً، وكل ما يتم فعله يجب ان يُبنى على هذا الأساس.” حسبما قال “وهذا يشمل كل التفاصيل الصغيرة.”

 ولكن الان، القنابل لا تزال تتساقط وتوقفها يبدو بعيد المنال. فكرة إعادة بناء غزة في أي وقت قريب بحد ذاتها تعتبر حلم غير ملموس، ناهيك عن القيام بذلك مع أخذ احتياجات الناس كليان بعين الاعتبار. دينا تعلم هذا، وخلال موعد مع طبيب ليان المختص بالتقويم، د.اكمان، عبرت عن قلقها حول كيفية استعمال ليان أطرافها الصناعية في مكان تم تدمير 70 بالمئة من بنيته التحتية المدنية.

قال اكمان: “يمكنها استخدامهم على الاسطح المستوية.”

“ولكن ماذا لو لم يعد هناك أي طرق؟ وماذا بشأن الركام؟” سألت دينا.

“سوف تتلف بسرعة أكبر بكثير،” حسب اكمان، الذي أضاف انه عند حدوث ذلك “عملياً، ستتوقف عن العمل.”

في بعض الأحيان، حين كانت تفكر ليان بالعودة لغزة، كان ذهنها يمتلئ بأكثر الأفكار سوداوية. تقول دينا “لقد سمعتها تبكي وتقول أمور تشبه ‘إذا لم يقتلوني اول مرة، سوف يقتلوني في المرة الثانية.’” 

عندما زرت شيكاغو مع ايمان للمرة الثانية في شهر حزيران/يونيو ، رحبت بنا ليان بابتسامة خافتة بينما كانت تنزل على السلالم في منزل عائلة عساف باستخدام أطرافها الصناعية الجديدة. كانت هذه هي الأطراف التي صممها مالك وستستعملها ليان في لمدة عام او عامان، حتى يتطلب جسمها النامي اطرافاً جديدة. صُممت الأطراف خصيصاً لتتماشى مع لون بشرتها باستخدام مواد تهدف الى محاكاة ملمس جسد الانسان.

لم تكن ليان متحمسة حين أعطاها فريقها الطبي هذه الأطراف قبل اسبوعين من زيارتنا. اخبرتنا مع هز كتفيها “مظهرهم كان مقبولاً،” ولكنها لا تحب استخدامهم للمشي. ويتطلب استخدامهم تعديل وجهد وبعكس الأطراف الصناعية التجريبية، كان عليها استخدامهم طيلة الوقت، وهو أمر مُرهق. وعندما عادت من المستشفى، وضعت الأطراف الصناعية في غرفتها لعدة أيام ولم تستخدمهم. ولكي تشجعها على استخدامهم، خبأت دينا كرسي ليان المتحرك، وإذا ارادت ان تتحرك حول المنزل كان على ليان استخدام أرجلها الجديدة.

خلال جلساتها مع غورينو كانت ليان تنتقل من جهة لأخرى في الغرفة، وأوضحت “الرجل اليُسرى هي ما يزعجني.” هذه الرجل هي التي تحتوي على مفصل ركبة ميكانيكي، ولتفعيل حركة هذا المفصل، كان عليها الضغط على أصابع اقدام الطرف الصناعي. المشكلة بالنسبة لليان كانت التكرار، أي القيام بهذه الحركة في كل خطوة، خاصة ان الطرف الصناعي الاخر لم يتطلب ذلك.

للوقت الحالي اكتفت بجر رجلها اليسرى دون ثني ركبتها. كما حصلت على موافقة الطاقم الطبي بأن ترتدي احذية غير الأحذية التقويمية، وكانت تنتظر وصول زوج احذية مسطحة لونها فضي عبر البريد والذي سيصل في الوقت المناسب قبل الاحتفال بالعيد.

 الموعد الطبي الأخير لليان في شيكاغو كان يوم 3 تموز/يوليو، ومع اقتراب الموعد، ازداد القلق بين سكان منزل عائلة عساف. في بعض الأحيان، حين كانت تفكر ليان بالعودة لغزة، كان ذهنها يمتلئ بأكثر الأفكار سوداوية. تقول دينا “لقد سمعتها تبكي وتقول أمور تشبه ‘إذا لم يقتلوني اول مرة، سوف يقتلوني في المرة الثانية.’”

 خلال حديثي مع سوسيبي، أصر أكثر من مرة أن منظمة هييل لن تُعيد الذين تم اجلائهم الى غزة في ظل الاعمال العدائية المستمرة، ولكن عائلة عساف وليان غير مقتنعين بذلك. ماذا لو لم تترك الحكومة الامريكية أي خيار امام سوسيبي ؟

هناك بعض السيناريوهات المحتملة حول مستقبل ليان ينتهي بها المطاف في دولة ثالثة – قد تكون مصر، حيث تعيش قريبتها التي سافرت معها للحصول على تأشيرة وبقيت هناك، او أوروبا حيث تسكن اختها اريج. ليان قالت انها تشتاق لغزة، وعائلتها واصدقائها، وأنها تريد العودة لها إلا إذا عنى ذلك المخاطرة بحياتها. انها لا تريد ان تشعر بانها عالقة مجدداً.

تقوم بنات عائلة عساف، وليان، وبهاء بشوي حلوى السمورز في الباحة الخلفية لمنزل العائلة.

منذ اللقاء الأول المتزعزع في مطار اوهاير، أصبحت ليان جزءً لا يتجزأ من حياة عائلة عساف، حيث تحضر التجمعات العائلية وتعرفت على أخوات بهاء الكثيرات وأزواجهن وأطفالهن كما تعرف على أسمائهم جميعاً. كما ذهبت الى إجازة مع عائلة عساف لميامي. لا تزال ليان مُتحدية ولكن تعليقاتها اللاذعة تحولت لتعليقات سريعة البديهة. وأصبحت تثق بمستضيفيها لدرجة تمكنها من ان تكشف ضعفها امامهم مما أثلج صدر دينا. وقالت دينا “لديها إيمان مُطلق بنا، انها تثق بنا.” 

واصرت دينا انها ستفعل كل ما بوسعها لمنع عودة ليان لمكان ما هو الا خيال للموطن الذي عرفته سابقاً. “هذا ليس خياراً متاحاً،” قالت دينا “سنوكل محاميين وندفع كل ما يلزم من الأموال.”

في اخر ليلة لنا في شيكاغو، أشعل بهاء ودينا موقد النار الخارجي في الباحة الخلفية، وصنع الفتيات حلوى السمورز قبل ان يتضاءل تركيزهن. وكانت سيرين تتنقل على لوح تزلج الكتروني ذات عجلات مضيئة بسرعة بينما حاولت سارة اقناع أخواتها وليان بأن يتدربوا على رقصة تيك توك معاً. وفي لحظة تركت ليان العكازات التي تستخدمها لتثبيت نفسها وهي تستخدم الأطراف الصناعية وذهبت باتجاه موقد النار، ثم قامت بوضع أطرافها الصناعية على لوح سيرين ونظرت لدينا وبهاء متبسمة.

ثم صاحت دينا عبر الباحة “ابتعدي عن اللوح فوراً يا ليان!”

ثم ضحكت ليان واندفعت عائدة باتجاه الفتيات الاخريات وانضمت لهم ليبدؤوا بالدوران واللهو امام شاشة الهاتف. وفي هذا اللحظة كانت ليان مجرد طفلة ترقص.


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Coming to America

Layan Albaz lost her legs in an Israeli air strike in Gaza.
To learn how to walk again, she had to travel more than 6,000 miles from everything she knew.

Coming to America

The Atavist Magazine, No. 153


Rhana Natour is an award-winning journalist and video producer. Her stories have aired on PBS NewsHour, Al Jazeera English, More Perfect Union, and Scripps News. Her writing has appeared in such publications as The Guardian and Vice News. She shared an Emmy nomination for her work on the Nightline special “Crisis in Syria,” and her article “The Shooter’s Wife” received an award from the Arab and Middle Eastern Journalists Association.

Eman Mohammed is a Palestinian photojournalist from Gaza, and her passion for photography is grounded in her heritage. She began her career documenting life under Israeli occupation. Her photographs have been featured in The Guardian, Le Monde, The Washington Post, and other publications. Her work has been acquired by the British Museum in London and the Harn Museum of Art at the University of Florida. She was named a senior TED Fellow in 2019, and her photographic memoir, The Cracks in My Lens, was published in 2022.


Editor: Seyward Darby
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Lila Hassan
Translator: Ammar Owaineh

Published in July 2024.


Dina Assaf sat in her car outside Chicago’s O’Hare International airport watching the terminal’s sliding doors open and close, open and close. She and her husband, Baha, had been scrambling to prepare for this moment and were exhausted, but in the back seat their three daughters were restless with excitement. Sara, Salma, and Sereen had circled this day—March 17, 2024—on their calendars weeks ago and were giddy that it had finally come. They jostled one another for the best view of the doors, hoping to be the first to spot the person they were there to pick up. She was a young girl like them—she had turned 14 just three days before—and from what the sisters had been told, she was very important.

أقرأ هذه القصة باللغة العربية.

The girl’s name was Layan Albaz, and she had a button nose and a soft voice. What the Assafs knew of her life came mostly from videos on the internet. In one clip, Layan described how she had lost two sisters, a niece, and a nephew in an Israeli air strike in Gaza. She used a wheelchair because injuries she sustained during the attack had forced doctors to amputate her legs. In another video, filmed by Agence France-Presse not long after the air strike, Layan’s face was mottled with burns. “I want them to give me real legs,” she whimpered, clutching an oxygen mask in one hand. “I don’t want fake legs.”

But if Layan was ever to walk again, prosthetics were exactly what she would need, and to get them she was coming to the United States. Shriners Children’s Chicago, a hospital specializing in pediatric orthopedics, had offered to provide her with free medical treatment. And despite being perfect strangers, the Assafs were opening their home to Layan for the duration of her stay.

Sara, the eldest Assaf daughter, was 12, which meant that Dina and Baha had firsthand experience with an adolescent girl navigating a swirl of transitions. But Layan was also grappling with a new and permanent disability. Over the months of Israel’s brutal siege on Gaza, she had lost people she loved and seen horrors one would expect only a frontline soldier to witness. Dina was under no illusion that hosting Layan would be easy. “But I expected more of, like, sadness,” she told me.

When Layan was finally rolled through the doors at O’Hare, Baha stowed her wheelchair in the trunk and placed Layan in the back seat of the car with his daughters. Dina, who was sitting in the driver’s seat, was shocked when Layan first spoke.

“What’s that beeping noise?” Layan asked in Arabic—she had come to America without a word of English. Her voice was laced with annoyance.

“Dina just needs to put her seat belt on,” Baha replied.

“Well, what the hell are you doing?” Layan yelled, locking her eyes on Dina. “Put the damn thing on. You’re giving me a headache.”

Sara, Salma, and Sereen’s eager smiles curved into frowns of concern. Dina thought, What did I get myself into? The Assafs were already learning that their guest was too angry to be sad.

Layan checks her reflection on her way to physical therapy at Shriners Children’s Hospital in Chicago. The scarring on her face is the result of the air strike that forced doctors to amputate her legs.

In Arabic, the root of the word for “amputated,” mabtur, can mean “incomplete.” This feels like a nod to the idea that it’s possible to sever something so essential to a person that they can no longer be considered whole. Someone who has lost a limb has experienced a deviation from the blueprint of the body; like a novel with chapters ripped out, something crucial is missing.

In Gaza, all we have to go by are amputated stories, fragments of the whole truth. Even that most fundamental data point of any war—the death toll—is incomplete. As of this writing, Gaza’s health authority has tallied more than 39,000 fatalities, but with the devastation inflicted on the region’s health care infrastructure, and with many bodies buried too deep in the rubble to be counted, officials emphasize how deficient their figures are every time they issue a report. In early July, an article in The Lancet estimated that Israel’s siege could result in 186,000 deaths, or 7.9 percent of Gaza’s population. But it may be years before we know the true toll—if we ever know it at all.

As for the children, here is some of what we know: As of May, approximately 15,000 were dead, 12,000 were injured, and 21,000 were missing. Among the wounded, doctors have described treating children “shredded” by bombs, crushed by collapsing buildings, and suffering from gunshot wounds to the head. Many pediatric patients have lost arms or legs. For now we have only a single statistic when it comes to these young amputees: Between October 7 and November 29, 2023, Unicef reported that more than 1,000 children had lost one or more limbs. A spokesperson told me in June that the agency had been unable to gather more recent figures, “given the challenging circumstances on the ground.”

This isn’t unusual—authoritative, countrywide figures on the number of pediatric amputees in most conflicts are generally rare. What seems clear is that we are witnessing one of the fastest and most intense mass-disabling events of children in our lifetimes. When the dust settles, relative to population size, Gaza may be left with the largest cohort of children who’ve lost limbs in any war in modern history.

Dr. Ghassan Abu-Sittah is certain that this will be the case. A plastic and reconstructive surgeon who specializes in pediatric trauma sustained in conflict, Abu-Sittah spent more than a month in Gaza, working with Doctors Without Borders, in the early days of the war. The experience, which he also described to The New Yorker, left him determined to assess the full scale of the crisis he witnessed. “During those 43 days that I was there, I did more amputations than I’d ever done in my 20 years as a war surgeon,” Abu-Sittah told me, holding his hands to his temples during a video call from his home in London. “I just needed to understand what the bigger picture was.”

He began reaching out to other surgeons—some who had recently returned from stints in Gaza, and some who were still there. Person after person replied with details that mirrored his own experience. Abu-Sittah realized that what he and other doctors were seeing could be record setting. It was the worst kind of reality check. He now estimates the number of pediatric amputees in Gaza at somewhere between 4,000 and 4,500—so far.

To put this in perspective, the Associated Press has reported that, over two and a half years of conflict in Ukraine, some 20,000 people have lost limbs. Based on testimony from medical personnel, researchers at the Center for Pediatric Blast Injury Studies, a joint venture launched in 2023 by Imperial College London and Save the Children, believe that the number of pediatric amputees in Ukraine is around 1,200.

Here is another way of looking at Abu-Sittah’s Gaza estimate: The average U.S. public school has about 550 students. Imagine eight or nine schools in an area roughly the size of Philadelphia where every kid is missing at least one limb. Imagine also that their amputations happened alongside a torrent of other tragedies: the loss of family members, friends, neighbors, schools, houses.

Now imagine that the only hope to reclaim some semblance of physical normalcy required those children to leave home. Gaza’s sole manufacturer of prosthetics and its affiliated rehabilitation center were destroyed in an air strike months ago; as a result, many families of children who have lost limbs are trying to evacuate them so they can receive medical care abroad. Social media is brimming with their desperate pleas, and only a few get what amounts to a lucky ticket for the mortally unlucky: Countries willing to take pediatric amputees from Gaza are doing so in relatively small numbers.

The kids who do find a way out board planes for distant places. In Layan’s case, that place was more than 6,000 miles away from everything and everyone she knew.

Layan sits in her wheelchair at a physical therapy session. Her host mother, Dina Assaf, holds one of the test prosthetics Layan will use until her permanent ones are ready.

Layan grew up in Al-Qarara, a suburb of the city of Khan Younis. She was the tenth of eleven children. Most of her siblings were much older and had kids of their own; the “little devils,” as she called her nieces and nephews, once set fire to the curtains for fun while her mom was babysitting them. Her father worked construction in Israel, a relatively well-paying job for a Palestinian in Gaza if they can obtain a permit. He stayed in Israel during the week and came home on weekends. Layan and her little brother, Waseem, battled for his attention by telling him about each other’s transgressions while he was away.

Layan began to wear a headscarf in the fifth grade at the insistence of her strict uncles—men who, in her words, “fancied themselves sheikhs.” She didn’t like being told what to do, which is one reason she clicked with her best friend, Samaa. Both girls were daring and mischievous. Samaa didn’t wear a headscarf. She liked to dress in T-shirts and tight pants, and she wasn’t afraid to return the sneers of people she passed on the street who expressed disapproval.

Sometimes Layan and Samaa went to restaurants in Gaza City where no one knew them and pretended to be young adults, just to see who would believe the ruse. They had poetry duels to determine who could write a better stanza. They once stole a teacher’s workbook and distributed test answers to classmates. To formalize their status as best friends, Samaa gave Layan a necklace with a sun pendant; Samaa wore one with a corresponding moon.

On the morning of October 7, 2023, Layan was on her way to school when a barrage of rockets pierced the sky overhead. She grabbed the hem of her dress and ran for home. When she arrived, she called Samaa.

“Are you going to school?” Layan asked.

“No, I’m too scared,” Samaa replied.

Layan’s house was close to the border with Israel, and she was used to staying with her sister, who lived deeper inside Gaza, whenever hostilities erupted between Hamas and Israel. That’s what she did on October 7, but this time there would be no going back. After several days of violence, Layan’s parents got word that their house had been destroyed. Soon, along with thousands of other Palestinians, they crammed into an overflowing neighborhood shelter.

Samaa visited Layan at the shelter. One day in mid-October, Samaa got into an altercation with a girl who’d made a snide remark about what she was wearing. Layan begged her friend to let it go, but Samaa refused. “Samaa was annoyed, and at the same time she was depressed,” Layan said. “She wanted to take all that heat out on someone.” Samaa grabbed the girl by the shoulder and pushed her into a wall, then the girl’s mother intervened and slapped Samaa across the face. Members of Layan’s family had to hold Samaa back from retaliating. Other people crowded around to watch.

Recalling the incident, Layan smiled. The Samaa she knew refused to back down.

Four days after the fight, Samaa was killed, along with most of her family, when a bomb leveled their house. After one of Layan’s sisters told her that there were martyrs at a nearby hospital with Samaa’s last name, Layan called her friend’s cell phone again and again but got no answer. She made her way to the hospital, where she saw Samaa’s mother, still alive, in the hallway. “I said to myself, Samaa is gone,” Layan recalled.

Layan heard the doctors tell Samaa’s mother that she could see her daughter one last time, but they warned her against it. Samaa’s body was in pieces, and it would be a gruesome sight. Her mother shook her head.

But Layan wanted to see her friend. “I didn’t care,” Layan said of the doctors’ warnings. “Samaa was my whole life.”

What Layan saw wasn’t a body. “It was a torso, hands,” she said. But she took some comfort from the fact that Samaa wasn’t alive nine days later—that’s when Layan lost her legs. “If she saw me like this, Samaa would have died of grief,” Layan said.

The air strike came at 4 a.m. on October 27. Layan was with several family members at the home of her sister Ikhlas, who had just given birth to a boy she named Odeh, which means “to return” in Arabic. Layan was awake at the time because she was about to help Khitam, another of her sisters, administer medicine to her five-year-old niece, Jenna. “I was getting up to go toward her, and the missile hit and I fell on the floor,” Layan said. Then a huge cement block dropped into the room—it was so big it seemed to fill the whole space. “Khitam and Jenna died right in front of me, instantly,” Layan said. “To this day it’s in my mind. Just right in front of me.”

Then another missile crashed into the building, and Layan felt herself fly through the air. She would later remember falling, falling, falling; her body dropped six floors before it hit the ground. The force of that impact is likely what mangled her legs beyond repair. All around her, shrapnel and debris fell like rain.

Eventually, an ambulance transported Layan to Nasser Hospital, where just 48 hours earlier she had witnessed Odeh’s birth. “To the refrigerators,” Layan remembered a doctor saying as she was rushed in, referring to the morgue. “No, no, she still has a pulse,” a paramedic replied. “But it’s weak.”

Layan was taken to an operating room, where her legs were amputated without anesthesia. She didn’t know what was happening; she only felt searing pain. “Do you have no mercy?” she screamed. Her cries were met with silence.

It was sometime later, while she was lying on a stretcher in an elevator, that Layan saw the stump of her right leg and understood. “My legs are cut off!” she yelled.

The next thing she remembered was waking up in a hospital room—her parents were there, along with other family and friends. “The first question I asked was about the necklace,” she said. “It was the only thing I had from Samaa.” Her friend Khoolood ran up to her bed. “I have it, Layan,” she said with a reassuring smile. “I will give it to you as soon as you get better.” Layan later learned that this wasn’t true; perhaps Khoolood was trying to comfort her with a lie. The necklace was lost amid Gaza’s rubble, along with Layan’s cell phone, which contained cherished photos and videos of Samaa, of her family, of her life before the war.

Layan asked her father what had happened to everyone in the house when the missiles hit. She didn’t trust her own memory. “May they rest in peace,” her father said. Khitam and Jenna weren’t the only ones who had died—Ikhlas was gone, and baby Odeh, too.

That night, Layan’s mother tried to wash Layan’s hair, which was matted with blood, dirt, and debris. She soon gave up. “Her daughters were killed, her grandchildren were dead. Who could expect her to sit there and clean my hair?” Layan said. Instead, her mother grabbed a pair of scissors and cut it all off.

Layan laughs while holding a long receipt at a grocery store. Since her evacuation, the World Food Program has found that 96 percent of people in Gaza face acute food insecurity, and that the region is at high risk of famine.

Over the next few months, Layan endured a total of five surgeries, only one of them with anesthesia. She battled fevers, infections, and kidney issues. But her family were most concerned about her deteriorating mental health. When she left Nasser because her bed was needed amid a new wave of casualties, her parents took her back to the shelter where they’d been staying. But it was clear that Layan was in no state to be around gawking strangers. She was taken to her grandparents’ home, a multistory building full of displaced relatives, friends, and neighbors.

Things got worse. Just the sight of people walking could send Layan into a rage. Watching children run while playing was too much for her to bear. Her uncle Ahmed tried to take command of the situation. “No one talks to Layan,” he ordered the other young girls in the building. “Leave her alone.” Whenever Layan wanted to get some air on the roof, he’d clear the hallway and the elevator so she could get there unobstructed.

When a child loses a limb, time is of the essence. The sooner they get specialized care and rehabilitation, the better their chances of physically adjusting in the long term. Layan’s sister Areej, who lives in Europe, messaged people who she hoped might be able to help. A distant relative of Layan’s, a journalist in Gaza named Mohammad Alshaer, posted about her on Instagram, where he has more than 100,000 followers.

Soon Layan came to the attention of Steve Sosebee, an American in his forties with striking blue eyes. Sturdily built, Sosebee looks more like a former football player than a longtime aid worker. Originally from Ohio, he worked as a freelance journalist in Gaza in the 1990s, which inspired him to create a charity called Palestine Children’s Relief Fund (PCRF), to transport sick and injured children to the U.S. for free medical care. Sosebee has witnessed conflict in Gaza before, but he sees what’s occurring now as altogether different. “It’s a genocide,” he said. “In my thirty-plus years working there, I haven’t seen anything close to what’s happening today.”

Given the visual record of atrocities available online 24/7, many humanitarian advocates have said that the world is witnessing a live-streamed genocide. A growing number of legal experts agree. In January, the International Court of Justice ordered Israel to “take all measures within its power to prevent” genocidal acts, and “to prevent and punish the direct and public incitement to commit genocide.” The court issued another ruling in July, finding that Israeli settlement policies in Palestinian territory are illegal. The International Criminal Court has applied for arrest warrants for Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu and defense minister Yoav Gallant for war crimes and crimes against humanity, including “starvation of civilians as a method of warfare,” “intentionally directing attacks against a civilian population,” “persecution,” and “extermination.” The ICC has also applied for arrest warrants for three Hamas leaders.

In early 2024, as the bombardment in Gaza worsened, Sosebee launched a new NGO called HEAL Palestine. (HEAL stands for Health, Education, Aid, and Leadership.) Together, PCRF and HEAL are evacuating kids injured in the conflict to foreign countries, including the U.S. This work takes an enormous amount of effort, money, and organizational infrastructure. HEAL has evacuated nine child amputees since last fall. Layan was approved for treatment at Shriners Children’s in early 2024 and traveled to Egypt with an aunt to obtain a U.S. visa. Since then, Israel has seized control of the Rafah crossing into Egypt, stymieing medical evacuations. As CBS News reported in July, “Aid workers say that’s made rescuing children almost impossible.” Still, HEAL is currently working to transport a dozen new pediatric amputees out of Gaza.

Most of HEAL’s beneficiaries travel with a chaperone—a parent or older sibling, for example—and they stay either in hospital housing or with volunteer families who live close to where they’ll be treated. But HEAL said it would be easier to arrange accommodations for Layan if she came to the U.S. alone. Her sister in Europe, who was HEAL’s main point of contact, given communication outages in Gaza, agreed that Layan should make the trip by herself if it meant she didn’t have to wait any longer for the care she needed. Layan was livid about traveling alone. “Everyone came with someone,” she said. “Everyone except me.”

Layan arrived in Chicago determined to show the strangers she would be living with exactly what she was made of.

Layan descends a set of stairs with the assistance of a physical therapist. Her orthopedic surgeon has warned that if she returns to Gaza, her prosthetics will break down easily in the rubble.

The Assafs are Jordanian. Dina came to the United States when she was five, Baha at 18, and they met in a community college English class. Baha, who is now 40, works as the head of finance at a car dealership, while Dina, 38, is a homemaker. They have followed the news out of Gaza closely and oppose the war. Baha has attended local protests calling for a ceasefire. He learned of Layan’s situation through a friend with a connection to HEAL. In a family vote, Dina, Baha, and the girls agreed unanimously to welcome Layan into their home.

Dina and Baha were determined to make Layan feel like she was part of their family, no different from their own daughters. They had a spare bedroom on the ground floor of their house, which would have been easier for her to access, but they opted to put her in a room upstairs, where everyone else slept, because they didn’t want her to feel isolated. They also made sure that Layan’s room had the same bed frame, vanity, and wide-eyed stuffed animals as their daughters’ rooms across the hall.

On the drive from O’Hare, Layan announced that she wanted nothing to do with the Assafs and that she planned to stay in her room all day. When she saw where the family lived, a large brick house in a Chicago suburb, she scoffed that Dina and Baha must be drug dealers to be able to afford it. “We just work hard,” Dina responded. Layan cackled so loudly that it startled Dina.

Layan refused to let Baha carry her up the stairs to her room. Instead, she pushed herself out of her wheelchair and climbed up on her own, using her arms to swing her hips from one step to the next with the dexterity of a gymnast on a balance beam. When Layan saw the room Dina and Baha had prepared for her, her eyes widened. “It’s big,” she said. In spite of herself, a faint smile appeared on her face.

The Assafs soon understood that Layan was dreading the medical treatment she had traveled so far to receive. She had already spent weeks inside a hospital and didn’t want to repeat the experience. But Shriners Children’s is used to treating kids who require lengthy hospitalizations, and it makes its facilities as welcoming as possible. The complex is decorated with bright murals and has a Ping-Pong table. It hosts a “superhero day,” when volunteers dress up and hand out capes to patients.

On her first visit to the hospital, Layan met the specialists who’d be treating her, including Dr. Jeffery Ackman, a pediatric orthopedic surgeon; certified prosthetist and orthotist Shawn Malik; and Angela Guerino, a physical therapist with strawberry blond hair and a cheery disposition. The team would work together closely to help Layan rehabilitate, monitoring every part of her body—muscles, bones, nerves, skin—to ensure that she adapted to life on artificial legs.

There is a common conviction among pediatric orthopedists who work with amputees: Sit in a chair and you’ll start to look like a chair. Doctors want kids who’ve lost limbs to begin using prosthetics as quickly as possible, and Layan had already lost valuable time. In the six months since her amputations, she’d had no physical therapy, and her hips were becoming misaligned because of her tendency to lean to one side in her wheelchair. Without intervention, she could develop a hip contracture, a tightening of joint tissue that would essentially lock her body in an unnatural position for good. During rehab, Layan would need to wear a hip and back brace to correct her alignment, along with compression socks to reduce inflammation in what remained of her legs. Frequent stretching would be necessary to straighten out her lower torso.

Meanwhile, each of Layan’s legs presented unique challenges for her recovery. Her left leg had been amputated above the knee, so the prosthetic on that side would be equipped with a mechanical knee joint she’d need to learn to use. She still had her right knee, but the surrounding skin, replete with scars and possibly with embedded shrapnel, would make fitting a prosthetic to it difficult. Ultimately, for Layan, learning to walk again would be like mastering two musical instruments and playing them at the same time.

Layan was impatient. In her first therapy session, the team put her in check-socket prosthetics—robotic-looking legs used for training purposes—and she tried to bolt over to a treadmill in the corner. “Literally day one,” Guerino said. “I’d known her for five minutes.”

But Layan was also a quick learner. Initially, her team wanted her to stay at Shriners Children’s for two weeks of intensive treatment, after which she would go back to the Assafs’ for a few months and come in to the hospital for regular appointments. But she did so well the first week, and was so upset about having to sleep at the hospital, that her team decided she could return to the Assafs’ early—on one condition. They made Dina promise to hide the test legs from Layan, because she risked serious injury if she tried to use them without supervision.

When Layan arrived at the Assafs’ after her week at Shriners Children’s, Sara, Salma, and Sereen were hiding behind the front door. They jumped out and threw fistfuls of confetti as Dina rolled Layan in. That night, Dina took the prosthetics to bed with her and slept with them between her and Baha.

Baha Assaf, Layan, and Sara Assaf (from left) laugh as they play Skip-Bo on family game night.

As the weeks went by, the anger that Layan directed at her host family softened. Dina responded to her outbursts matter-of-factly, and Layan came to respect the boundaries set for her—even as the only English word she’d seemed to master was “no.” Layan, Salma, and Sara bonded over a love of makeup and skin care. Sereen, who at five was the youngest Assaf, was fascinated by her family’s special houseguest and had a strawberry-patterned backpack where she kept small items Layan gave her, including a whale toy and a jar of pink slime.

Gaza was never far from Layan’s mind. She once shared with Dina a video clip she watched when she missed her sisters. It showed Layan’s father standing over their bodies, which had just been pulled from rubble and hastily wrapped in white burial shrouds. Without her cell phone and its trove of family photos, this was the only way Layan could see Khitam and Ikhlas.

On a Tuesday afternoon in early April, Layan got a phone call that plunged her back into the horrors of war. Dina was cleaning in preparation for hosting a Ramadan iftar, a dinner marking the end of the day’s fasting, when Sereen appeared before her. The little girl was wide-eyed. “Mom, I think something is wrong with Layan,” she said. Dina could hear screaming upstairs.

Dina rushed to Layan’s room and found her in her wheelchair. “Why is this happening?” Layan cried. “I’ve already lost too many people.”

Layan’s cousin had called to tell her that her father and elder brother Karam had been killed when an Israeli aircraft descended over the location where they were living in a tent and opened fire. Dina told Layan to calm down, to breathe. But Layan screamed: “Who’s going to take care of my family? Who’s going to feed them?” Her father and Karam were the breadwinners, and they had been looking after the children of relatives killed in previous air strikes. Layan cried out to God, begging to know why this had happened.

Dina ran to call Baha at work. She told him he needed to let everyone invited to dinner know that it was canceled. When Dina returned to the bedroom, Layan was hitting herself.

“Look at me,” Layan said. “I wish I would have died, not them.”

“Don’t say that,” Dina said. “Why would you say something like that?”

“Look at me,” Layan snapped, her voice dripping with contempt. “I don’t have legs.” She also had a serpentine scar running from her hairline to the bridge of her nose. “Do you see my face?” she asked.

Caught in a whirlwind of grief and self-loathing, Layan kept going. “I will never be normal again,” she told Dina. “Who’s going to want to marry somebody like me? At night when I go to sleep, I’m going to have my husband help me take off my legs when I get into bed? Who’s going to do that? Who’s going to accept that? If anyone should have died, it should have been me.”

Dina managed to get Layan to tell her who it was she’d spoken to on the phone. When Dina realized that it wasn’t an immediate family member, she called a representative of HEAL. She asked them to find someone on the ground in Gaza who could track down Layan’s family and find out what had happened.

Soon Dina learned that Karam was alive, although he’d been hit with a bullet in his shoulder. Layan’s father was in critical condition. It was another of Layan’s brothers, 17-year-old Najee, who had been killed.

Dina delivered the news to Layan. Najee had called Layan three times the day before, but she hadn’t picked up. “I should have answered. Why didn’t I answer?” Layan cried.

For a week after learning about Najee’s death, Layan was afraid to sleep after the sun set. “I hate the nighttime,” she told Dina. “I wish nighttime never came.” When it was late and quiet, Layan couldn’t stop her mind from racing.

She asked Dina and Baha to stay up with her until dawn. They did their best, playing endless hands of Skip-Bo and watching episodes of a Turkish soap opera late into the night. Baha eventually went to bed because he had work in the morning, so Dina finished out the shifts alone. Sometimes she would nod off and Layan would start to cry, jolting Dina awake again.

Only when the sun rose and the rest of the household came to life did Layan finally sleep.

Layan helps Salma Assaf apply makeup. Layan, who traveled to the U.S. alone for medical treatment, soon bonded with the Assaf sisters.

When I first contacted the Assafs about interviewing Layan, Baha described her as a sweet girl. “You couldn’t tell she’s been through what she’s been through,” he told me. Layan and I spoke on the phone, and she was open to meeting with me and Eman Mohammed, a U.S.-based photographer who is originally from Gaza. It was only a few days before we flew to Chicago that the warnings began. Dunia Saad, then the patient coordinator for HEAL, told me that Layan “could be moody” and was prone to changing her mind on a whim. Dina explained that I should “not take anything she says too personally.”

In mid-April, when Eman and I arrived at the Assafs’ door, Dina greeted us wearing a pressed pink silk shirt. Her hair had blond highlights and was ironed straight. She spoke English with a hint of an accent.

Sara appeared, smiling widely as she pushed Layan forward in her wheelchair. Layan wasn’t smiling. She looked at us with a level gaze. “OK, let’s just get this over with,” she said, rolling her eyes. She whipped herself around in her chair and wheeled into the living room.

There we sat with Dina on a gray sectional while Layan dictated how the day would proceed. “I don’t want you to take photos of me that include my injury,” she declared. We had spoken about photographs on the phone, and Layan had agreed to let Eman take them, but I realized that the Layan of a few weeks ago wasn’t the Layan of right now. We had to respect—and contend with—the person in front of us.

Layan didn’t like strangers looking at her amputated legs. She didn’t want their pity. And she certainly wasn’t interested in having to glimpse their happy lives, untouched by war and loss.

It was clear Layan cared about her appearance. At 14, her self-consciousness about it would likely have been intense no matter what; because of her amputations, it was in overdrive. She was wearing a Calvin Klein tracksuit, and her eyes had been carefully rimmed with white eyeliner. Her round, pretty face reminded me of Selena Gomez. A translator at the hospital once told her that she resembled the Lebanese pop star Maritta, which seemed to make Layan happy.

Layan told us that she didn’t want to be seen as a charity case. “I have a future,” she yelled, slamming her water bottle to the ground. “I will not tolerate that when I grow up, I will google my name and all that comes up on every page is pictures of me injured.” She was demanding that she retain at least some control of her circumstances, as she had when she first met the Assafs. She was also insisting that she not be defined by her disability.

We agreed to follow Layan’s lead when it came to photos, then spoke to her about her life, October 7, and the air strike that shattered her family. At one point the conversation turned philosophical, and we discussed whether human beings are inherently good. Layan was firmly against this. As evidence, she mentioned how her legs had been amputated without anesthesia—she presumed that this had been the doctors’ choice. “I screamed so loud, I fainted from the sound of my own screams,” she told us, clicking her tongue at the memory. “And you want to say there’s good in the world?”

When we noted that the devastation in Gaza had left many hospitals without basic supplies, she clicked her tongue again. “I got injured at the start of the war. How were they out that fast?” she asked. “No, they only gave it to people with connections.”

Her words felt like an effort to make sense of the senseless, to grapple with the cruel fact that the adults in her life had been powerless to protect her from catastrophe. If she believed that the doctors chose to hurt her, at least she had somewhere to channel her rage.

A physical therapist adjusts Layan’s test prosthetics in preparation for her to practice walking.

We made a plan for the next day to accompany Layan to physical therapy. But when we arrived at the Assafs’ house in the morning, a crisis was unfolding. In an effort to plan ahead, Steve Sosebee had asked if a HEAL volunteer rather than Dina could take Layan to a medical appointment scheduled for a few days later. Layan was furious, and she refused to come downstairs. “Am I a product to be rented out to these people?” Layan screamed as Dina, remaining calm, stood in the kitchen filling a pink Stanley cup with water. “It’s my therapy. I don’t want strangers there.”

The conflict highlighted an uncomfortable reality that often comes with being a charity recipient. NGOs like HEAL rely on networks of volunteers and donors, people so eager to help a child who got out of Gaza that they’ll sometimes greet them at the airport with posters and balloons; they invite them to dinner, family events, theme parks. This in turn requires the kids to play a role: to smile, pose for photos, show gratitude.

Layan didn’t like strangers looking at her amputated legs. She didn’t want their pity. And she certainly wasn’t interested in having to glimpse their happy lives, untouched by war and loss.

When Dina learned that the HEAL volunteer’s own schedule would prevent them from taking Layan to the appointment, she breathed a sigh of relief. By now, though, it was nearly 11:30, and we were late leaving the house for the hourlong drive to the hospital. “Come on, Layan,” Dina called out, looking up the stairs. “This isn’t your wedding day. Hurry up.”

When Layan finally emerged, she was wearing a teal jacket and matching capri pants. Dina put two large pills in her palm, nerve suppressants to help ease phantom-limb pain; sometimes Layan felt electric shocks coursing through the stumps of her legs, as if her body were calling out to its parts that were no longer there.

At the hospital, Layan seemed pleased to see her physical therapist. She gave her a big hug and said her name, stretching it out affectionately: “Annnngeeeelllaahhh.” Then, with Dina translating from Arabic, Layan pointed out that Guerino was wearing mascara that day. She always noticed when Guerino made changes to her appearance.

“It’s my husband’s birthday,” Guerino explained.

“Ooh la la!” Layan replied with a wink.

The main goal of her therapy was to get Layan walking in prosthetics with less and less support over time. Guerino had helped her progress from a walker to two forearm crutches to just one. Now Layan was tethered by a rope to a ceiling track, allowing her to walk by herself. Guerino held the other end of the rope and pulled on it when Layan stumbled, catching her before she hit the ground. 

Shawn Malik, the prosthetist, watched Layan carefully as she moved. Sometimes he adjusted her test prosthetics; he kept track of her body’s specifications so he could design custom legs for her. These would be ready for her in a few weeks.

At one point, Malik wheeled a full-length mirror into Layan’s path. “She loves looking in the mirror,” he told me. Layan perked up at the sight of her reflection. She swayed her hips with each step and mumbled a song to herself in Arabic that I couldn’t quite hear. 

Layan allowed Eman to take photos of her when she was strapped to her prosthetics, but she shooed the camera away when Guerino was stretching her body without them. I remembered the wrenching video in which she said she wanted real legs, not prosthetics. It now seemed that what Layan wanted was for the world to see her standing on two legs, even if they were fake. She wanted to appear upright, undaunted, ready for whatever came next.

Layan stands in the backyard of the Assafs’ home.

HEAL and organizations that do similar work are able to get U.S. visas for kids like Layan on certain conditions. Medical evacuees can’t apply for asylum, and they must leave the country once their treatment is concluded. From the U.S. government’s perspective, such stipulations prevent programs like HEAL from becoming immigration work-arounds. 

For years, Sosebee was satisfied enough with this arrangement. Kids who received specialized treatment in the U.S. were for the most part able to get the follow-up care they needed back home—Gaza’s medical system had been robust enough for that. But Israel’s siege has changed that calculus. According to data from May, there have been around 450 attacks on health facilities, and 31 of Gaza’s 36 hospitals are now damaged or destroyed. Those that are still functioning must focus on immediate and lifesaving care, when they have the resources to do so. “Our medical supplies are critically low due to the limited flow of aid that is being allowed into Gaza by Israeli authorities. If we don’t manage to get medical supplies into Gaza very soon, we may have to stop our medical activities,” Guillemette Thomas, the medical coordinator for Doctors Without Borders in Palestine, said in a statement in June. “We have patients with severe burns and open fractures, and we don’t even have enough painkillers to alleviate their suffering.”

The situation in Gaza presented a horrible question: What if Layan came all the way to the U.S. and learned to walk again, only to return home and find that the long-term care she needed was unavailable? Emily Mayhew, a military medical historian who works with the Center for Pediatric Blast Injury Studies, told me that “life beyond survival as an amputee is immensely complicated.” She described a colleague, a double amputee like Layan, who checked the weather forecast every morning; if the temperature would be above 77 degrees, he knew to stay home the following day, because the heat would make it too uncomfortable to use his prosthetics two days in a row. Mayhew also told me about a Paralympic athlete who developed an ingrown hair on the bottom of his amputation that became so badly infected, he couldn’t train for a year. 

Those people were adults. Younger amputees face unique difficulties; they often require additional medical procedures and new prosthetics as their bodies grow and change. Meeting the needs of thousands of pediatric amputees in Gaza will be an overwhelming task. Dr. Abu-Sittah, the surgeon in London, said that prosthetists around the globe need to be training now, rather than waiting until the war is over, to care for these children. A steady rotation of specialists from abroad will need to visit Gaza to provide treatment, because it will be all but impossible to bring the kids to them. “These children will need to be treated by the Palestinian health system, whatever it looks like,” he said.

Additionally, Abu-Sittah noted that Gaza itself will have to be reimagined to accommodate a generation of young amputees. “It needs to be a different place in terms of access, in terms of disability. The schools that need to be rebuilt need to be completely different looking. Everything needs to be informed by this,” he said. “Every little thing.”

For now the bombs are still falling, with no end in sight. The idea that Gaza will be rebuilt anytime soon, let alone with the needs of someone like Layan in mind, is a pipe dream. Dina knows this, and at an appointment with Layan’s orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Ackman, she expressed concern about how Layan would use her prosthetics in a place where more than 70 percent of civilian infrastructure has been destroyed. 

“She can use them on flat surfaces,” Ackman said. 

“But what if there are no roads anymore? What about rubble?” Dina asked. 

“They will break down a lot faster,” Ackman said. Once that happened, he continued, “they basically won’t work.”  

Sometimes when she thought about returning to Gaza, Layan’s mind went to the darkest of places. “I’ve heard her crying and saying things like, ‘If they didn’t kill me the first time, they’re going to kill me the second time,’” Dina said. 

When Eman and I visited Chicago a second time, in June, Layan greeted us with a slight smile while walking down the stairs of the Assafs’ home on her new prosthetics. These were the legs Malik had designed, and Layan would use them for the next year or two at least, until her growing body required new ones. They had been customized to match her skin tone, with a material meant to resemble the texture of human flesh. 

When her medical team gave them to her two weeks before our visit, Layan wasn’t thrilled. “Their appearance was acceptable,” she told us with a shrug, but she didn’t like walking in them. They required adjustment and effort, and unlike the test prosthetics, she was supposed to use them all the time, which was exhausting. When she came home from the hospital she put the legs in her room, where they stayed, unused, for the next several days. To encourage her to practice walking with them, Dina hid Layan’s wheelchair. If Layan wanted to get around the house, she’d have to use her new legs. 

During her sessions with Guerino, Layan worked her way from one side of the room to the other. “It’s really the left leg that bothers me,” she explained. That was the one with the mechanical knee; to unlock the motion of the joint, she had to put pressure on the prosthetic’s toes. The problem for Layan was the repetition—doing this with every single step, especially when the other prosthetic didn’t require it.

For the time being, she had settled on dragging her left leg without bending the knee. She had also decided that she was ready to don footwear other than orthopedic sneakers. A pair of silver flats were on the way in the mail, arriving just in time for Eid celebrations.

Layan’s final medical appointment in Chicago was scheduled for July 3, and as the date approached, there was a swell of anxiety in the Assaf household. Sometimes when she thought about returning to Gaza, Layan’s mind went to the darkest of places. “I’ve heard her crying and saying things like, ‘If they didn’t kill me the first time, they’re going to kill me the second time,’ ” Dina said. 

In my conversations with him, Sosebee insisted more than once that HEAL would not return evacuees to Gaza amid continuing hostilities. But the Assafs and Layan weren’t convinced. What if the U.S. government gave Sosebee no choice?

There are scenarios in which Layan could wind up in a third country—perhaps Egypt, where the aunt who traveled with her to get a visa remains; or in Europe, where her sister Areej lives. Layan said that she misses Gaza, her family, and her friends. She wants to go back, but not if it means risking her life. She never wants to feel trapped again. 

The Assaf girls, Layan, and Baha make s’mores in the family’s backyard.

Since the rocky meeting at O’Hare, Layan had become a fixture in the Assafs’ lives. She’d attended family gatherings and gotten to know Baha’s many sisters, their husbands, and their kids by name. She went on vacation with the Assafs to Miami. She could still be defiant, but her biting comments had given way to witty ones. That she had come to trust her hosts enough to be vulnerable in front of them was something Dina especially took to heart. “She has all her faith in us,” Dina said. “She believes in us.”

Dina was insistent that she would do everything in her power to keep Layan from going back to a place that is scarcely a shadow of the home she once knew. “That’s not an option,” Dina said. “We will put up lawyers. We will pay as much money as we have to.”

On our last night in Chicago, Baha and Dina lit up the backyard firepit, and the girls made s’mores before their attention flitted away. Sereen zipped around on a hoverboard with LED-illuminated wheels as Sara attempted to wrangle her sisters and Layan into doing a TikTok dance tutorial together. At one point, Layan dropped the crutches she used to steady herself on her prosthetics and bounded toward the firepit. She then propped one of her new legs on Sereen’s hoverboard and glanced over at Dina and Baha with a smirk. 

“Get away from that right now Layan!” Dina yelled across the yard. 

Layan laughed and galloped back to the other girls, joining them as they swiveled and shook their hips in front of a phone screen. In that moment she was just a kid, dancing. 


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