القدوم الى أمريكا

بعد ان بُترت أرجلها في غارة جوية إسرائيلية على غزة، اضطرت ليان الباز أن تسافر أكثر من 6000 ميل بعيداً عن كل ما تعرفه لكي تتعلم كيف تمشي مجدداً. 

القدوم الى أمريكا

مجلة ذا اتافيست (The Atavist)، العدد 153


رنا ناطور هي صحفية ومنتجة فيديوهات حائزة على جوائز. نُشرت القصص التي انتجتها على برنامج ساعة الاخبار على بي بي سي (PBS Newshour)، وعلى الجزيرة بالإنجليزية، مور بيرفيكت يونيون (More Perfect Union)، واخبار سكريبز (Scripps News). كما نشرت كتاباتها في صحف كالغارديان (The Guardian) وفايس نيوز (Vice News). كما حصلت على ترشيح لجائزة ايمي مشترك لمساهمتها في حلقة خاصة لبرنامج نايتلاين (Nightline) بعنوان “الازمة في سوريا.” حازت مقالتها بعنوان “زوجة مُطلق النار” على جائزة من جمعية الصحفيين العرب والشرق اوسطيين.

ايمان محمد هي مصورة صحفية فلسطينية من غزة، تملك شغفا في التصوير ينبع من تراثها. بدأت مسيرتها من خلال توثيق الحياة تحت الاحتلال الإسرائيلي، وعرضت صورها في صحف الغارديان (The Guardian) ولو موند (Le Monde) وواشنطن بوست (The Washington Post) وغيرها من المنشورات، كما تم اقتناء اعمالها في المتحف البريطاني في لندن ومتحف هارن للفنون التابع لجامعة فلوريدا. وحصلت على زمالة تيد العليا عام 2019. كما نشرت سيرتها الذاتية المصورة بعنوان شقوق عدستي (The Cracks In My Lens) في عام 2022.

المحررة: سيوارد داربي
المخرج الفني: إد جونسون
محرر النسخ: شون كوبر
مُدققة الحقائق: ليلى حسان
المُترجم: عمار عوينة

Published in July 2024.


كانت دينا عساف تجلس في سيارتها المركونة خارج مطار اوهاير الدولي تترقب بينما يفتح باب صالة المطار ثم يغلق مرةً تلو الأخرى. وكانت قد سعت جاهداً مع زوجها بهاء للتحضير لهذه اللحظة لحد الإرهاق. وفي الكرس الخلفي للسيارة كانت بناتهم الثلاثة المفعمات بالحيوية يترقبن. البنات الثلاث سارة وسلمى وسرين كنّ قد وضعن علامة على هذا اليوم المنشود – السابع عشر من آذار /مارس 2024 – على الرزنامة قبل أسابيع عدة وكن سعيدات بقدوم هذا اليوم اخيراً. وكن يتدافعن كي يروا الأبواب بشكل أفضل وكل واحدة منهن كانت تأمل ان تكون اول من يلمح الشخص المُنتظر. هذا الشخص هو فتاة صغيرة مثلهم بلغت الرابعة عشرة من عمرها قبل ثلاثة أيام من وصولها. وحسبما قيل للأخوات إنها شخص غاية في الأهمية.

 الفتاة اسمها ليان الباز ذات الانف الدائري الصغير والصوت الخافت. معظم ما تعرفه عائلة عساف عن حياتها جاء من فيديوهات منشورة على الانترنت. في احدى المقاطع وصفت ليان فقدانها اثنتين من أخواتها وابنة اختها وابن اختها في غارة جوية إسرائيلية على غزة. كانت الفتاة تستخدم كرسي متحرك بسبب الإصابات التي تعرضت لها في القصف، والتي أجبرت الأطباء على بتر ساقيها. في فيديو اخر، صورته وكالة فرانس برس (Agence France-Press) بعد فترة قليلة من الغارة الجوية، ظهرت ليان ووجهها مُرقش بالحروق، تقول راجفةً وهي تتشبث بقناع الاكسجين بإحدى يديها “اُريدهم ان يعطوني أرجل حقيقية. لا اريد أطرافاً مزيفة.”

Read this story in English

ولكن، إذا تمكنت ليان من المشي مرةً أخرى فلن يكون هذا ممكناً الا باستخدام الأطراف الصناعية، وللحصول عليهم أتت للولايات المتحدة. عرضت مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال في شيكاغو، وهي مستشفى مختصة بطب العظام للأطفال عليها العلاج مجاناً. وبالرغم من كونهم غرباء تماماً عنها، إلا أن عائلة عساف فتحوا منزلهم لاستضافة ليان خلال فترة تلقيها العلاج.

سارة، أكبر بنات عائلة عساف، تبلغ من العمر 12 عاماً، مما يعني ان دينا وبهاء لديهم خبرة مباشرة في التعامل مع فتاة مراهقة تمر بدوامة من التغيرات. ولكن بالإضافة لهذه التغيرات كانت ليان تصارع اصابتها بعجز دائم وفقدانها لأحبائها على مدار أشهر من الحصار الإسرائيلي الوحشي على غزة، كما شهدت فظائع لا يراها إلا الجنود على جبهات القتال. لم تتوهم دينا ان استضافة ليان ستكون سهلة ولكنها اخبرتني: “لكني توقعت أكثر حزناً نوعاً ما.”

وعندما خرجت ليان من أبواب مطار اوهاير اخيراً، خزن بهاء الكرسي المتحرك في الصندوق ووضع ليان في الكرسي الخلفي بجانب بناته. دينا، والتي كانت تجلس في كرسي السائق، صُعقت عندما تحدثت ليان لأول مرة.

“ما صوت الطنين هذا؟” سألت ليان باللغة العربية، حيث أتت الى الولايات المتحدة دون ان تعرف أي كلمة باللغة الإنجليزية. وكان صوتها يعبر عن الانزعاج.  

ثم أجاب بهاء: “يجب على دينا ارتداء حزام الأمان.”

 “حسناً، ماذا تنتظرين بحق الجحيم؟” صاحت ليان، وهي تحدق في دينا “ارتدي الحزام اللعين. لقد تسببت لي بالصداع.”

تحولت ابتسامات سارة وسلمى وسرين المُترقبة الى عبوس مليء بالقلق، ودينا بدأت تتسأل بذاتها ما الذي ورطت نفسي فيه؟ وبدأت عائلة عساف تكتشف ان ضيفتهم غاضبة لدرجة لا تسمح لها حتى بأن تشعر بالحزن.

ليان الباز تنظر الى انعكاسها في المرأة خلال الرحلة لموعد العلاج الطبيعي في مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال في شيكاغو. الندوب على وجهها ناتجة عن الغارة الجوية الإسرائيلية التي أجبرت الأطباء على بتر رجليها.

في اللغة العربية، يُمكن ان يحمل جذر كلمة مبتور معنى أخر وهو “ناقص،” وهذه تبدو كإشارة انه من الممكن فصل شيئاً محوري للفرد لدرجة انه لا يمكن اعتباره كاملاً بعد ذلك. الشخص الذي يتعرض لبتر تعرض لتغيير عن النموذج المفترض للجسد، كالرواية التي يتم تمزيق فصول منها وتفقد جزءً حاسماً منها.

عند الحديث عن غزة، كل ما نملكه هو قصص مبتورة او فُتات من الحقيقة الكاملة. حتى أكثر نقطة بيانات مفصلية في أي حرب، وهي حصيلة القتلى، ناقصة. في وقت الكتابة، احصت السلطات الصحية في غزة اكثر من 39000 حالة وفاة، ولكن بسبب التدمير الحاصل للبنية التحتية في القطاع، وبسبب وجود العديد من الوفيات المدفونة عميقاً تحت الأنقاض والتي لا يمكن احصائها، فأن السلطات تُشدد في كل تقرير تصدره ان هذه الاحصائيات منقوصة.  في شهر حزيران/يونيو، نشرت مجلة ذا لانسيت (The Lancet) مقالاً يُقدر بأن الحصار الإسرائيلي قد ينتج عنه 186000 وفاة، أي 7.9 بالمئة من سكان غزة. ولكن اكتشاف الحصيلة الحقيقة قد يتطلب عدة سنوات، هذا إذا اكتشفناها اصلاً.

فيما يتعلق بالأطفال، بعض ما نعرفه انه بحلول شهر أيار قُتل حوالي 15000 طفل وأصيب 12000 بينما يُعتبر 21000 طفلاً في عداد المفقودين. فيما يتعلق بالمصابين، قال بعض الأطباء انهم عالجوا أطفال “مُزقت أجسادهم” بسبب القنابل، او سحقوا بسبب المباني المنهارة، او يعانوا من إصابات من طلقات نارية في الرأس. العديد من المرضى الأطفال بُترت واحدة او أكثر من سيقانهم او أذرعهم. لحد الان لا نملك سوى إحصائية وحيدة متعلقة بالصغار مبتوري الأطراف، وهي تقرير لمنظمة الأمم المتحدة للطفولة (يونيسف) يُبين انه بين السابع من تشرين الأول/اكتوبر والتاسع والعشرين من تشرين الثاني/نوفمبر عام 2023، فقد أكثر من 1000 طفل واحد او أكثر من اطرافهم. وقال متحدث باسم المنظمة في شهر حزيران/يونيو ان المنظمة لا تستطيع جمع احصائيات أكثر حداثة “بسبب التحديات الناتجة عن الظروف في الميدان.”

هذا متوقع، حيث يعتبر توفر الاحصائيات الرسمية على نطاق البلد لأعداد الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف عادةً نادراً في معظم الصراعات. ولكن ما هو واضح اننا نشهد أسرع واشد عملية تعجيز جماعية للأطفال في حياتنا. عندما ينقشع الغبار، قد تمتلك غزة أكبر عدد من الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف مقارنة بأي حرب في التاريخ الحديث.

د.غسان أبو ستة، اخصائي جراحة تجميلية وترميمية يختص في الإصابات التي يتعرض لها الأطفال في الصراعات والذي قضى اكثر من شهر في غزة يعمل مع منظمة أطباء بلا حدود في بداية الحرب، متيقن ان هذه ستكون الحقيقة على ارض الواقع. وحسبما قال لصحيفة النيويوركير (The New Yorker)، فأن تجربته في غزة زادت من إصراره على تقييم الحجم الكامل للازمة التي شهدها. أخبرني ابوستة وهو يضع يداه على جانب رأسه خلال محادثة عبر الفيديو من منزله في لندن: “خلال الـ 43 يوم التي قضيتها هناك، قمت بعمليات بتر أكثر ما قمت به خلال 20 عام من عملي كجراح في الحروب. اردت ان افهم الصورة الكاملة لما يحدث.”

بدأ ابوستة بالتواصل مع جراحين اخرين -بعضاً منهم عاد مؤخراً بعد فترة في غزة وبعضهم لا يزال هناك- وواحداً تلو الأخر قدموا تفاصيل تتماشى مع تجربته هناك. ابوستة أدرك ان ما يشاهده هو والأطباء الاخرين قد يؤدي الى رقم قياسي في عدد الحالات، وهذه كانت حقيقة مرة من اسوء أنواعها. وهو يقدر حالياً اعداد الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف في غزة بحوالي 4000 الى 4500 حتى الان.

ولوضع الأمور في سياقها فأنه حسب تقرير لاسوشيتد برس (Associated Press) فأنه خلال عامان ونصف من الصراع في أوكرانيا، فقد حوالي 20000 شخص واحد او اكثر من اطرافهم. وبحسب شهادات الطواقم الطبية والباحثين في مركز أبحاث الأطفال المصابين في انفجارات، وهو مشروع مشترك بين كلية لندن الإمبراطورية ومؤسسة انقاذ الطفل، فأن عدد الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف في أوكرانيا يبلغ حوالي 1200 حالة.

عند النظر لتقدير ابوستة لعدد الحالات من وجهة نظر أخرى وإذا نظرنا لمعدل عدد الطلاب في المدارس الحكومية في الولايات المتحدة وهو 550 طالب، فيمكننا التخيل أن هذا يعادل فقدان كافة الطلاب في 8 او 9 مدارس في منطقة تقريباً بحجم مدينة فيلادلفيا على الأقل واحد من اطرافهم. ونتخيل ايضاً ان عمليات البتر هذه جاءت بالتزامن من وابل من المَآسِي الأخرى كفقدان افراد من عائلاتهم واصدقائهم وجيرانهم ومدارسهم ومنازلهم.

بالإضافة لهذا لنتخيل ايضاً ان الأمل الوحيد لاستعادة أي شكل من الاستقرار الجسدي يتطلب من هؤلاء الأطفال مغادرة بيتهم حيث تم تدمير المصنع الوحيد للأطراف الصناعية في غزة ومركز إعادة التأهيل المرتبط به في غارة جوية إسرائيلية قبل عدة أشهر. ونتيجة لهذا، فأن العديد من العائلات التي بُترت أطراف أطفالهم يسعوا لإجلائهم للحصول على الرعاية الطبية في الخارج. العديد من الالتماسات المستميتة تملأ مواقع التواصل الاجتماعي والقليل منهم يحصل على ما يمكن وصفه بالتذكرة الرابحة للمنحوسين بشدة. الدول التي تستقبل الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف من غزة تستقبل اعداد قليلة جداً نسبياً منهم.

اما الأطفال الذين يجدوا طريقاً للخروج، فعليهم ان يركبوا الطائرة لمناطق بعيدة. وفي حالة ليان، فهذه المنطقة تبعد أكثر من 6000 ميل عن كل ما تعرفه وكل من تعرفه.

تجلس ليان في الكرس المتحرك خلال جلسة علاج طبيعي، بينما تمسك الام المستضيفة دينا عساف بأحد الأطراف الصناعية التجريبية التي ستستعملها ليان لحين تجهيز الأطراف الدائمة.

ترعرعت ليان في منطقة القرارة في ضواحي مدينة خان يونس، وهي الطفلة العاشرة في عائلة مكونة من 11 فرد.  معظم اخوتها واخواتها أكبر بكثير منها ولديهم أطفال تسميهم ليان “الشياطين الصغار،” والذين قاموا في احدى المرات بإشعال النار في الستائر للتسلية بينما كانت أمها ترعاهم. وكان والدها يعمل في مجال البناء في إسرائيل، وهذه تعتبر وظيفة ذات اجر جيد بالنسبة لفلسطينيي غزة إذا تمكنوا من اصدار تصريح. وكان والدها يبقى في إسرائيل خلال أيام الأسبوع ويعود في العطلة الأسبوعية للمنزل، بينما كانت ليان وأخيها الأصغر وسيم يتصارعوا من اجل الحصول على انتباهه من خلال إبلاغه بتجاوزات الاخر خلال غيابه.

ليان بدأت بارتداء الحجاب عندما كانت في الصف الخامس بسبب إصرار اعمامها المتشددين، والذين وصفتهم بأنهم “يتصورا أنفسهم انهم شيوخ.” لم تحب ليان ان يحدد أحداً ما يجب ان تعمله وهو أحد أسباب انسجامها مع صديقتها المفضلة سما. الفتاتان كانتا جريئتان وعابثتان. سما لم ترتدي الحجاب وفضلت ارتداء القمصان قصيرة الكم والبناطيل الضيقة ولم تتردد في رد الازدراء الذي قد يعبر عنه بعض الناس عند مرورها عنهم في الشارع بالمثل.

في بعض الأحيان، كانت ليان وسما يذهبن الى مطاعم في مدينة غزة حيث لا يتعرف عليهم أحد لكي يدعّوا انهن شابات صغيرات كي يروا من سيصدق هذه الخدعة. وكنّ يتحدوا بعضهن البعض في الشِعر ليروا من منهن تكتب مقطوعة شعرية أفضل. في احدى المرات، سرقن كتاب العمل الخاص بأحد المعلمين ووزعوا أسئلة الاختبار على زملائهم في الصف. ولكي يجعلوا صداقتهم المميزة رسمية أعطت سما لليان قلادة مُعلق عليها شمس بينما ارتدت سما قلادة متوافقة مُعلق عليها قمر.

في صباح يوم السابع من تشرين الأول/اكتوبر 2023، كانت ليان في طريقها للمدرسة عندما اخترق وابل من الصواريخ السماء فوق رأسها، مما جعلها تمسك طرف زيها وتركض نحو المنزل. وعند وصولها للمنزل اتصلت بسما.

“هل ستذهبين للمدرسة؟” سألت ليان.

واجابتها سما: “لا، انا خائفة جداً. “

كان منزل ليان قريباً من الحدود مع إسرائيل، وكانت قد اعتادت على البقاء في منزل اختها التي تسكن في عمق مدينة غزة كلما اندلع القتال بين حماس وإسرائيل. وهذا ما فعلته يوم السابع من تشرين الأول/اكتوبر، ولكن هذه المرة ذهبت ولم تعد. بعد مرور بضعة أيام من اعمال العنف، وصل والدا ليان خبراً مفاده ان منزلهم تم تدميره. وسرعان ما أصبحوا كالآلاف من الفلسطينيين غيرهم محشورين في ملجأ للحي ممتلئ عن بكرة ابيه.

وكانت سما تزور ليان في الملجأ. وفي أحد الأيام في منتصف شهر تشرين الأول/اكتوبر تشاجرت سما مع فتاة علقت ساخرة على ما كانت ترتديه. وحينها توسلت ليان لصديقتها لكي تتغاضى عما حصل، ولكن سما رفضت ذلك. وقالت ليان: “سما كانت منزعجة وفي نفس الوقت كانت مكتئبة. وكانت تريد ان تنفس عن غضبها.” قامت سما بمسك الفتاة من كتفها ودفعها نحو الحائط، ثم تدخلت والدة الفتاة وصفعت سما على وجهها. ثم تدخل افراد من عائلة ليان لردع سما ومنعها من الانتقام، بينما تجمع الناس حولهم للمشاهدة.

ابتسمت ليان بينما كانت تسترجع الحادثة. سما كما عرفتها لم تتراجع ابداً.

بعد مرور أربعة أيام على الحادثة، قُتلت سما مع معظم افراد عائلتها بعدما دمرت قنبلة إسرائيلية منزلهم. عندما اخبرتها إحدى اخواتها بوجود شهداء في مستشفى قريب يحملوا اسم عائلة سما، قامت ليان بالاتصال بهاتف صديقتها المحمول مراراً وتكراراً ولكن دون جدوى. وهرعت الى المستشفى ثم رأت والدة سما، لا تزال حية، في الرواق، “وقلت لنفسي حينها، لقد فقدنا سما،” استذكرت ليان.

سمعت ليان الأطباء يخبروا والدة سما انها يمكنها ان ترى ابنتها لأخر مرة، ولكن حذروها من ذلك، لأن جسد سما كان ممزق وسيكون مشهد شنيع. ثم هزت والدتها رأسها رافضة ان تراها.

ولكن ليان ارادت ان ترى صديقتها، ولم “أكن اكترث” بتحذيرات الأطباء حسبما قالت. “سما كانت حياتي كلها.”

ولكن ما رأته ليان لم يكن جسداً، كان عبارة عن “جذع وايدي،” كما روت. ولكنها وجدت الطمأنينة بتسلسل الاحداث هذا لأن سما لم تكن حية لترى ما سيحصل بعد تسعة أيام، حينما فقدت ليان سيقانها. وتقول ليان: “لو رأتني سما هكذا، كانت ستموت من الحزن.”

الغارة الجوية حدثت عند الرابعة صباحا يوم 27 تشرين الأول/اكتوبر. وكانت ليان تسكن مع عدة أعضاء من عائلتها في منزل اختها إخلاص، والتي انجبت طفلاً حديثاً أسمته “عودة،” بمعنى “الرجعة.”   وفي ذلك الوقت كانت ليان مستيقظة وكانت تستعد لمساعدة اختها الأخرى ختام في إعطاء الدواء لابنتها جنى البالغة من العمر خمسة أعوام. وقالت ليان: “كنت اتحرك باتجاهها عندما اصطدم الصاروخ وسقطتُ على الأرض.” ثم انهارت كتلة ضخمة من الاسمنت في الغرفة وكانت كبيرة لدرجة انها تهيأ لها انها ملأت المكان. “ختام وجنى قُتلتا فوراً تحت ناظري،” قالت ليان ” لهذا اليوم الصورة لا تفارق ذهني. حدثت امامي مباشرةً.”

بعد هذا اصطدم صاروخ اخر بالمبنى وشعرت ليان بجسدها يطير في الهواء. عند استرجاع الحادثة، تتذكر ليان بانها كانت تسقط، وتسقط، وتسقط، حيث هوى جسدها من ستة طوابق قبل ان يرتطم بالأرض. على الأرجح أن شدة الاصطدام هي ما هشمت ساقيها لحد غير قابل للترميم. وفي كل مكانٍ حولها، انهمرت الشظايا والحطام كالمطر.

وبعد مرور وقت، نقلت سيارة إسعاف ليان لمستشفى ناصر، وهو نفس المكان الذي شهد ولادة عودة قبل 48 ساعة. تذكرت ليان ان أحد الأطباء كان يقول “الى الثلاجة” كناية عن المشرحة عندما هرعوا لإدخالها، ولكن رد عليه أحد المسعفين قائلاً “لا، لا يزال لديها نبض، ولكنه ضعيف.”

أُخذت ليان لغرفة العمليات، حيث تم بتر ساقيها دون تخدير، لم تعي ما كان يحدث حولها ولم تشعر سوى بالألم الحارق. وكانت تصرخ “اليس لديكم أي رحمة،” ولكن صرخاتها لم تلق مجيباً.

ولكنها لم تستوعب ما حصل إلا في وقت لاحق، عندما كانت مستلقية على الحمالة في المصعد وتحسست مكان القطع في رجلها اليمنى، ثم صاحت “لقد قطعوا أرجلي!”

ما تذكرته بعد هذا هو استيقاظها في غرفة المستشفى، حيث تواجد والداها وعائلتها واصدقائها. “اول شيء سألتُ عنه هو القلادة،” قالت “هي الشيء الوحيد المتبقي لي من سما.” ثم ركضت صديقتها خلود نحو سريرها متبسمة لتطمأنها ثم قالت: “انها معي، يا ليان. سأعطيك إياها عندما تتحسن صحتك.” ولكن ليان علمت بعد هذا ان هذه لم تكُن الحقيقة، لعل خلود كانت تحاول طمأنتها من خلال الكذب عليها. القلادة فُقدت في غياهب الحطام في غزة صحبة هاتف ليان المحمول والذي يحتوي على كل ما تُقدسه من صور وفيديوهات لسما وعائلتها وحياتها قبل الحرب.

سألت ليان والدها عما حدث لمن كانوا في المنزل عندما اصطدم به الصاروخ، لأنها لم تثق بذاكرتها، وأجاب والدها: ” الله يرحمهم.” ختام وجنى لم يكونوا الضحايا الوحيدين للقصف، بل رافقهم إخلاص والرضيع عودة كذلك.

في تلك الليلة حاولت والدة ليان غسل شعرها المتلبد بسبب بقايا الدماء والتراب والحطام، ولكنها سرعان ما يئست من المحاولة.  “بناتها قتلوا، واحفادها قتلوا، كيف يمكن ان يتوقع أحد منها ان تجلس لتنظف شعري،” قالت ليان. بدلاً من ذلك قامت والدتها بإحضار مقص وقص شعرها بالكامل.

ليان تضحك وهي تمسك فاتورة في متجر. منذ إجلائها، قدر برنامج الأغذية العالمي يواجه 96 بالمئة من سكان غزة انعدامًا حادًا في الأمن الغذائي، وإن المنطقة تواجه خطر مجاعة قائم.

في الأشهر القليلة التالية، خضعت ليان لخمس عمليات جراحية، ولم تكن تحت التخدير إلا في واحدة منها.  وحاربت الحمى والالتهابات والاضطرابات الكلوية، ولكن حالتها النفسية المتدهورة كانت أكبر مُسبب للقلق لعائلتها. عندما خرجت من مستشفى ناصر بسبب الحاجة لاستخدام سريرها بعد قدوم موجة جديدة من الضحايا، أعادها والديها الى الملجأ الذي يسكنوا فيه، ولكن كان من الواضح ان ليان لم تكن بحالة تسمح بوجودها حول الغرباء المتلصصين. لذا، اخذوها لمنزل جدها وجدتها، وهو عبارة عن بناية متعددة الطوابق تعج بالأقرباء والأصدقاء والجيران المُهجرين.

ولكن الأمور ازدادت سوءاً، ومجرد النظر الى الناس وهم يمشوا أصبح يُغضب ليان، ورؤية الأطفال يركضوا ويلعبوا كان أكبر من قدرتها على الاحتمال. عمها احمد حاول السيطرة على الوضع وأمر الفتيات الاخريات في المبنى أن “يتركوها لوحدها. ممنوع ان يتكلم أحد مع ليان.” كلما ارادات ان تبحث عن متنفس على سطح المبنى، كان يقوم عمها بإخلاء الممر والمصعد لكي تصل للسطح دون أي عقبات.

 عندما يفقد طفلاً أحد اطرافه فالوقت غاية في الأهمية، حيث ان سرعة الحصول على الرعاية وإعادة التأهيل المتخصصان تزيد من فرصهم في التأقلم جسدياً على المدى البعيد. أخت ليان اريج والتي تعيش في أوروبا بعثت رسائل لعدة اشخاص على أمل ان يقدموا المساعدة. ثم قام أحد الصحفيين يدعى محمد الشاعر بنشر منشور عن ليان على حسابه على انستغرام، حيث يملك اكثر من 100 الف متابع.

وبعد فترة وجيزة، لفتت قصة ليان انتباه رجل امريكي في العقد الرابع من عمره يُدعى ستيف سوسيبي.سوسيبي صاحب العيون شديدة الزراق والبنية المتينة يشبه لاعب كرة قدم سابق أكثر من كونه عامل إغاثة لفترة طويلة، ينحدر من اوهايو وعمل في تسعينات القرن الماضي كصحفي مستقل في غزة، مما الهمه ليؤسس جمعية إغاثة أطفال فلسطين  (PCRF) الخيرية لنقل الأطفال المرضى والمصابين الى الولايات المتحدة الامريكية لتلقي الرعاية الطبية مجاناً. سوسيبي شهد صراعات في غزة في الماضي ولكن يرى ان ما يحدث حالياً مُختلف تماماً، حيث قالً: “انها عملية إبادة جماعية. خلال عملي لأكثر من ثلاثين عام هناك لم أرى أي شيء يشبه ما يحدث حالياً.”

بسبب وجود توثيق مرئي على الانترنت على مدار الساعة للفظائع المرتكبة، قال العديد من المحاميين الحقوقيين أن العالم يشهد إبادة جماعية على البث المباشر. وهذا ما يتفق عليه عدد متزايد من الخبراء القانونيين. في شهر كانون الثاني /يناير، أمرت محكمة العدل الدولية إسرائيل بأن تتخذ “كل التدابير الممكنة في قدرتها لمنع” أعمال الإبادة الجماعية “ومنع ومعاقبة التحريض المباشر والعلني لارتكاب الإبادة الجماعية.” كما أصدرت المحكمة قراراً اخراً في شهر تموز/يوليو ينص ان السياسات الاستيطانية الإسرائيلية في الأراضي الفلسطينية غير قانونية. بالإضافة لذلك فقد قدمت المحكمة الجنائية الدولية طلبات لإصدار أوامر قبض ضد رئيس الوزراء الإسرائيلي بنيامين نتنياهو ووزير الدفاع يوآف غالانت بسبب جرائم الحرب والجرائم ضد الإنسانية، بما يشمل ” تجويع المدنيين كأسلوب من أساليب الحرب،” و ” تعمد توجيه هجمات ضد السكان المدنيين،” و “الاضطهاد،” و “الإبادة.” كما قدمت المحكمة الجنائية الدولية طلبات لأوامر قبض ضد ثلاثة من قادة حماس.

في بداية عام 2024، مع ازدياد القصف على غزة، أطلق سوسيبي منظمة غير حكومية جديد تدعى هييل (HEAL) فلسطين أي منظمة الصحة والتعليم والإغاثة والقيادة لفلسطين. بالشراكة بينهم، تقوم جمعية إغاثة أطفال فلسطين وهييل بإجلاء الأطفال المصابين في الصراع لدول اجنبية، بما في ذلك الولايات المتحدة. وهذا العمل يتطلب كمية هائلة من الجهد والأموال والبنية التحتية التنظيمية. وقامت هييل بإجلاء تسعة أطفال مبتوري الأطراف منذ الخريف الماضي. اما ليان، فقد حصلت على الموافقة لتلقي العلاج في مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال في بداية عام 2024 ثم سافرت الى مصر مع احدى قريباتها للحصول على تأشيرة للولايات المتحدة. منذ ذلك الحين، قامت إسرائيل ببسط سيطرتها على معبر رفح الحدودي مع مصر، مما يعرقل الإجلاء الطبي. وبحسب تقرير من شبكة سي بي اس الإخبارية (CBS News) في تموز/يوليو ، فأن “عُمال الإغاثة يقولوا أن هذا جعل إنقاذ الأطفال شبه مستحيل.” وبالرغم من هذا، فأن هييل تعمل حالياً من اجل نقل 12 طفلاً مبتوري الأطراف لخارج غزة.

معظم المنتفعين من خدمات هييل يسافروا مع مُرافق – اما أحد والديهم او اخد الاخوة الأكبر سناً، على سبيل المثال – ويسكنوا إما في إسكان المستشفى او مع عائلات متطوعة تسكن بالقرب من مكان تلقيهم العلاج. ولكن منظمة هييل ارتأت انه من الأسهل الحصول على مكان إقامة لليان إذا أتت للولايات المتحدة لوحدها. اخت ليان القاطنة في أوروبا، والتي أصبحت نقطة التواص الرئيسية مع هييل بسبب الانقطاعات في الاتصالات في غزة أيدت المنظمة بأن ليان يجب ان تسافر لوحدها إذا عنى ذلك تلقيها الرعاية دون الحاجة للانتظار أكثر. ليان اشتاطت غضباً بسبب سفرها لوحدها قائلة: “الكل أتى مع مرافق. الكل باستثنائي.”

 وصلت ليان الى شيكاغو وهي مُصرة على اثبات نفسها للغرباء الذين ستعيش معهم.

تنزل ليان على السلالم بمساعدة اخصائية العلاج الطبيعي. جراح تقويم العظام المسؤول عن حالتها حذّر انها إذا عادت لغزة سوف تتلف أطرافها الصناعية بسرعة بسبب الركام.

عائلة عساف تنحدر من الأردن، حيث أتت دينا الى الولايات المتحدة بعمر الخامسة وبهاء بسن الثامنة عشر، وتعرفوا على بعضهم في دورة للغة الإنجليزية في الكلية المجتمعية. بهاء البالغ من العمر 40 عاماً يعمل حالياً كرئيس القسم المالي في معرض سيارات، اما دينا البالغة من العمر 38 عاماً فهي ربة منزل. العائلة تتابع الاخبار القادمة من غزة عن كثب وتعارض الحرب، كما شارك بهاء في مظاهرات محلية مطالبة بوقف إطلاق نار. وعلم بهاء عن حالة ليان من خلال صديق لديه ارتباط مع منظمة هييل. وبعد التصويت، اتفق دينا وبهاء وبناتهم بالإجماع على استقبال ليان في منزلهم.

دينا وبهاء كانا عاقدا العزم على جعل ليان تشعر كأنها جزء من عائلتهم وأنها لا تختلف عن بناتهم. وقرروا وضعها في غرفة في الطابق العلوي حيث ينام الجميع بالرغم من توفر غرفة في الطابق الأرضي حيث الوصول أسهل، لأنهم لم يريدوها ان تشعر بالعزلة. كما تأكدوا من وجود نفس إطار التخت والزينة ودمى الحيوانات المحشوة الموجودة في غرف بناتهم في نهاية الرواق.

خلال الرحلة من مطار اوهاير، أعلنت ليان بأنها لا تريد أي علاقة بعائلة عساف وتريد ان تبقى في غرفتها طوال الوقت. وعندما رأت مكان إقامة عائلة عساف، وهو منزل طوب كبير، امتعضت قائلة انه لا بد أن دينا وبهاء يعملوا كتجار مخدرات والا لن يستطيعوا تحمل تكلفة شراء منزل كهذا. ولكن دينا اجابت “كل ما في الأمر اننا نعمل بجد،” ثم قهقهت ليان بصوتٍ عالٍ لدرجة انه أفزع دينا.

رفضت ليان ان تسمح لبهاء بحملها على الدرج للوصول لغرفتها، وبدلاً من ذلك قامت بدفع نفسها للنزول على الكرسي المتحرك وتسلقت على الدرج لوحدها مستخدمة يديها لتأرجح افخاذها من درجة لدرجة ببراعة تضاهي براعة لاعبي الجمباز على عارضة التوازن. وعندما رأت ليان الغرفة التي حضرها لها دينا وبهاء، برقت عيناها وقالت “انها كبيرة،” ولم يسعها الى ان تبتسم ابتسامة طفيفة رغماً عن ذاتها.

بعد هذا أدركت عائلة عساف ان ليان كانت تخشى من العلاج الطبي الذي سافرت كل هذه المسافة لتلقيه، حيث انها قضت عدة أسابيع في المستشفى مسبقاً ولم تريد تكرار هذه التجربة. إلا ان مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال معتاد على التعامل مع الأطفال الذين يحتاجوا للبقاء للمستشفى لفترات طويلة، ومرافقه مهيئة ليشعر الأطفال بأنهم مرحب بهم. ان مجمع المستشفى مُزين بجداريات زاهية ويحتوي على طاولة للعب تنس الطاولة، كما يستضيف “يوم الابطال الخارقين،” حيث يقوم متطوعين بارتداء أزياء خاصة وتوزيع رداءات على للمرضى.

 خلال أولى زياراتها للمستشفى، التقت ليان بالمختصين المسؤولين عن علاجها وهم د.جيفري اكمان، جراح العظام للأطفال، وشون مالك، اخصائي الأطراف الصناعية وتقويم العظام المرخص، وانجيلا غورينو، اخصائية العلاج الطبيعي ذات الشعر الأشقر المائل للاحمرار والطابع البشوش.  ويعمل الفريق عن كثب لمساعدة ليان في إعادة التأهيل ومراقبة كل جزء من جسدها، أي العضلات، والعظام، والأعصاب، والجلد، للتأكد من تأقلمها مع استخدام الأطراف الصناعية في حياتها.

هناك اعتقاد دارج لدى أطباء عظام الأطفال بأنه خلال العمل مع مبتوري الأطراف، إذا طال جلوسهم في الكرسي يبدؤا بالتحول ليشبهوا هذا الكرسي أكثر فأكثر. يريد الأطباء ان يبدأ الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف باستخدام الأطراف الصناعية بأسرع وقت ممكن، وليان قد فقدت وقتاً ثميناً اصلاً. خلال الستة أشهر التي انقضت منذ عملية البتر، لم تتلقى أي علاج طبيعي، كما اختل توازن اوراكها بسبب اعتيادها على الميل على اتجاه واحد عند الجلوس في الكرسي المتحرك. من دون التدخل، يمكن ان يصيبها تقلص في الورك بمعنى حصول تضييق في أنسجة المفصل بطريقة تُثبت جسدها بموضع غير طبيعي للأبد. خلال عملية إعادة التأهيل، تحتاج ليان لارتداء مقوّم للظهر والورك لتصحيح توازن جسدها بالإضافة لارتداء جوارب ضغط للتقليل من الالتهاب في ما تبقى من رجليها. كما تحتاج الى القيام بتمارين الإطالة بشكل متكرر من اجل استقامة الجذع السفلي.

في ذات الوقت، كل واحدة من أرجل ليان شكلت تحدي قائم بذاته يعيق تعافيها، حيث ان رجلها اليسرى بُترت من فوق الركبة أي أن الطرف الاصطناعي على هذه الجهة يحتاج إضافة مفصل ركبة ميكانيكي يجب ان تتعلم كيفية استعماله. اما رجلها اليُمنى فأن الركبة لا تزال موجودة، ولكن الجلد الذي يحيط بها ممتلئ بالندوب ومحتمل أيضا وجود شظايا متداخلة به، مما يُصعب تركيب طرف اصطناعي لها. بالمجمل، فأن تعلم ليان المشي مجدداً يضاهي اتقان آلتين موسيقيتين وعزفهم في ذات الحين.

ليان لم تكن صبورة، وفي اول جلساتها العلاجية، ركب لها الطاقم أطراف تجريبية – وهي عبارة عن أرجل ألية المظهر تستخدم لغايات التدريب – وثم حاولت الإسراع لتصل الى جهاز الركض في الزاوية. “كان هذا حرفياً في اول يوم،” تقول غورينو “لم أكن اعرفها سوى لخمس دقائق حينها.”

ولكن ليان ايضاً سريعة التعلم. في البداية أراد الطاقم ان تبقى في مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال لمدة أسبوعين لتلقي العلاج المكثف، وبعد هذه الفترة تعود لمنزل عائلة عساف لبضعة أشهر تزور خلالها المستشفى في مواعيد دورية. ولكنها قامت بأداء جيد جداً في اول أسبوع وكانت منزعجة بسبب اضطرارها النوم في المستشفى مما دفع الطاقم ليقرر ان تعود لمنزل عائلة عساف مبكراً بشرطٍ واحد، وهو ان تقوم دينا بوعدهم ان تخبئ الارجل الصناعية عن ليان، لأنها قدد تتعرض لإصابة بالغة إذا حاولت استخدامهم دون رقابة.

عندما عادت ليان لمنزل عائلة عساف بعد قضائها أسبوع في مستشفى شراينرز للأطفال، سارة وسلمى وسيرين كنّ يختبئن خلف باب المنزل الرئيسي ثم انقضوا وأطلقوا حفن من الأوراق الملونة عند دخول ليان على الكرسي الذي تجره دينا. في تلك الليلة، دينا اخذت الأطراف الصناعية معها للسرير وخلدت للنوم بوجود الأطراف بينها وبين بهاء.

بهاء عساف، وليان، وسارة عساف (من اليسار الى اليمين) يضحكوا بينما يلعبوا لعبة سكيب-بو خلال ليلة الألعاب العائلية.

ومع مرور الأسابيع، تبدد غضب ليان الموجه نحو العائلة المستضيفة لها، حيث كانت دينا تجيب على نوبات الانفعال دون إظهار مشاعرها، وأصبحت ليان تحترم الحدود التي يتم وضعها لها، حتى لو أصبحت الكلمة الوحيدة التي اتقنتها باللغة الإنجليزية هي “لا.” ليان وسلمى وسارة، وطدوا علاقتهم بسبب حبهم المشترك للتجميل والرعاية بالبشرة. اما سيرين وهي أصغر فتيات عائلة عساف وتبلغ من العمر خمسة أعوام، كانت مبهورة بضيف عائلتها المميز وخبأت الأغراض الصغيرة التي اعطتها إياها ليان في شنتة ظهر مُزينة برسمات فراولة، بما في ذاك حوت لعبة ووعاء من السلايم زهري اللون.

لكن لم تغب غزة عن ذهن ليان، وفي احدى المرات شاركت فيديو مع دينا كانت تشاهده كل ما تشعر بالاشتياق لأخواتها. ويُظهر الفيديو والد ليان يقف بجانب جثثهن بعد سحبها من الركام ولفهن بأكفان على عجل. بدون هاتفها النقال وخزينة صور العائلة المحفوظة عليه، هذه كانت الطريقة الوحيدة التي يمكن لليان ان ترى بها أخواتها ختام وإخلاص.

في عصر يوم ثلاثاء في شهر نيسان/أبريل، تلقت ليان مكالمة هاتفية اعادتها لفظائع الحرب. بينما كانت دينا تقوم بتنظيف المنزل استعداداً لاستضافة إفطار رمضاني بعد نهاية يوم من الصيام، أتت سيرين لها وقالت والصدمة تعلو وجهها “امي، اعتقد ان ليان تعاني من خطبٍ ما.” ثم سمعت دينا الصراخ في الأعلى.

هرعت دينا لغرفة ليان ووجدتها في كرسيها المتحرك. “لماذا يحدث هذا؟” قالت ليان باكية “لقد فقدت الكثير من الناس.”

كانت ليان قد تلقت اتصال من قريبها ليخبرها ان والدها واخاها الأكبر كرم قد قتلوا في إطلاق نار من طائرة إسرائيلية على موقع الخيمة التي كانوا يسكنوا فيها. دينا قالت لليان ان تهدأ وتتنفس، ولكن ليان صاحت: “من سيعتني بعائلتي. من سيطعمهم؟” كان والدها وكرم مُعيلي العائلة وكانوا يعتنوا بأطفال اقربائهم الذين قتلوا في غارات جوية سابقة.  ليان صرخت تستجدي لله متمنية ان تعرف لماذا يحصل هذا.

 ركضت دينا لتبلغ بهاء في مكان عمله واخبرته انه يجب ان يُبلغ جميع المدعوين للعشاء ان العشاء تم الغاءه. وعندما عادت دينا للغرفة وجدت ليان تلطم.

وقالت ليان: “انظري الي. يا ليتني مت بدلاً منهم.”

“لا تقولي هذا،” قالت دينا “لماذا تتحدثي هكذا.”

“انظري الي” انفعلت ليان قائلة بصوت مليء بالازدراء “ليس لدي أرجل.” ثم سألت: “هل يمكنك رؤية وجهي؟” مُشيرة الى ندبة متعرجة تمتد من طرف شعرها لقصبة انفها.

وفي موجة من الحزن وكره الذات استمرت ليان بالقول: “لن أكون طبيعية ابداً. من قد يرغب بزواج فتاة مثلي؟” هل سأطلب من زوجي ان يساعدني بإزالة رجلي الصناعية عند الذهاب للسرير في الليل للنوم؟ من سيفعل هذا؟ من يتقبل هذا؟ إذا كان هناك أحد يجب ان يموت فهو انا.”

 دينا تمكنت من اقناع ليان بأن تخبرها مع من تحدثت على الهاتف، وعندما أدركت دينا انها لم تتحدث مع قريب من الدرجة الأولى، تواصلت مع وكيل لمنظمة هييل وطلبت منه ان يجد احداً في الميدان في غزة يمكنه تعقب عائلة ليان لاكتشاف ما حصل.

بعد فترة وجيزة، علمت دينا ان كرم لا يزال على قيد الحياة بالرغم من اصابته برصاصة في كتفه، وأن والد ليان مصاب وحالته حرجة. ولكن، أحد اخوة ليان الأخرين وهو ناجي البالغ من العمر 17 عاماً هو من قُتل.

 دينا نقلت الخبر لليان. ثم تبين ان ناجي كان قد اتصل ثلاث مرات في اليوم السابق لكنها لم تُجيب. “كان يجب ان اجيب على الهاتف، لماذا لم اُجيب؟” قالت ليان باكية.

وفي الأسبوع التالي لوفاة ناجي، خافت ليان من النوم بعد غياب الشمس، وقالت لدينا “انا أكره الليل. أتمنى لو لم يأتي الليل.” عندما يتأخر الوقت ويعم الصمت لا تفلح ليان في إيقاف افكارها المتسارعة.

طلبت ليان من بهاء ودينا ان يسهروا معها حتى الفجر، وحاولوا قصارى جهدهم حيث لعبوا عدد لا يحصى من جولات لعبة سكيب-بو وشاهدوا حلقة تلو الأخرى من المسلسلات التركية حتى وقت متأخر من الليل. في النهاية، يضطر بهاء للذهاب للنوم لأنه لديه عمل في الصباح بينما تُكمل دينا الوردية لوحدها. في بعض الأحيان يغلب دينا النوم، وتبدأ ليان بالبكاء لدرجة تيقظها من النوم.

لا تخلد ليان للنوم إلا عندما يستيقظ جميع افراد المنزل وتشرق الشمس.

تساعد ليان سلمى عساف على وضع المكياج. ليان، والتي سافرت للولايات المتحدة لوحدها، انسجمت مع بنات عائلة عساف بعد فترة وجيزة. 

عندما تواصلت مع عائلة عساف لأول مرة حول اجراء مقابلة مع ليان، وصفها بهاء بأنها فتاة لطيفة قائلاً “لا يبدو عليها انها مرت بما مرت به.” ثم تحدثت مع ليان على الهاتف وكانت مُنفتحة لمقابلتي وايمان محمد، وهي مصورة من أصول غزاوية تعمل في الولايات المتحدة. وقبل أيام قليلة من السفر الى شيكاغو لمقابلتها، بدأت التحذيرات بالظهور. مُنسقة المرضى في منظمة هييل في ذلك الوقت دنيا سعد، اخبرتني ان ليان “قد تكون مُتقلبة المزاج،” ولديها عادة في تغيير رأيها على هواها. كما وضحت لي دينا انني “لا يجب ان أخذ أي شيء تقوله على محمل شخصي.”

في وسط نيسان، عندما وصلت الى باب منزل عائلة عساف، استقبلتنا دينا وهي ترتدي قميص حرير وردي مكوي، وكان في شعرها خصل شقراء بين شعرها المنساب. وتتحدث باللغة الإنجليزية بلهجة طفيفة.

ثم ظهرت سارة بابتسامتها العريضة وهي تدفع ليان على كرسيها المتحرك للأمام، ولكن ليان لم تكن تبتسم. كانت تحدق الينا بهدوء وقالت وهي تقلب اعينها “حسناً، دعنا ننتهي من هذا الامر.” ثم استدارت في كرسيها وذهبت لغرفة المعيشة.

ثم جلسنا مع دينا على اريكة زاوية بينما حددت ليان كيف سيمضي اليوم، وقالت “لا أريدكم ان تظهروا إصابتي في الصور. ” كنا قد تحدثنا مسبقاً على الهاتف حول الصور وكانت ليان قد وافقت على ان تدع ايمان تصورها، ولكني أدركت ان ليان الان تختلف عما كانت عليه قبل عدة أسابيع. كان علينا ان نحترم – ونرضى بـ – الشخص الموجود امامنا.

ليان لا تحب أن ينظر الغرباء الى أرجلها المبتورة ولا تريد شفقتهم، وهي بالتأكيد ليست مهتمة بإلقاء نظرة على حياتهم السعيدة والغير متأثرة بالحرب او الفقدان.

كان من الواضح ان ليان تهتم بمظهرها. في سن الرابع عشر، وعيها الذاتي حول مظهرها يكون شديد في كل الأحوال ولكن بسبب البتر التي تعرضت له فهذا الوعي كان مفرط بشدة. كانت ترتدي بذلة رياضية من نوع كالفن كلاين وكانت عيناها مُحددة بلون ابيض، وذكرني وجهها الدائري الجميل بسيلينا غوميز. وفي احدى المرات اخبرتها مُترجمة في المستشفى بانها تشبه المغنية اللبنانية الشهيرة ماريتا، ويبدو ان هذا اسعد ليان.

ليان اخبرتنا انها لا تريد ان تكون محط للشفقة، وصاحت ثم رمت قارورة المياه على الأرض قائلة “المستقبل امامي. لن اتحمل إذا بحثت عن اسمي على جوجل عندما اكبر وكان وكل ما اراه هو صور لي وانا مصابة.” كانت تطالب بأن تحافظ على جزء من السيطرة على ظروفها، كما فعلت عندما قابلت عائلة عساف لأول مرة. كما رفضت بإصرار ان تصبح اعاقتها هي كل ما يعرف عنها.

وافقنا على ان ننفذ رغبة ليان فيما يتعلق بالصور ثم تحدثنا معها عن حياتها، والسابع من تشرين الأول/اكتوبر، والغارة الجوية التي بعثرت عائلتها. في مرحلة ما، اخذ الحديث منحنى فلسفي وتناقشنا حول طبيعة البشر وإذا كانوا طيبين بالفطرة. ليان عارضت هذه الفكرة بشدة، واستشهدت بدليل انه تم بتر رجليها دون تخدير، مُفترضة ان ذلك كان خيار الأطباء. “كنت اصرخ بشدة وفقدت وعيّ بسبب عُلو صراخي،” قالت لنا ثم أصدرت صوتاً بلسانها تعبيراً عن استيائها “بعد كل هذا، تريد ان تخبريني ان هناك خير في العالم؟”

وعندما أشرنا ان حجم الدمار في غزة أدى لافتقار العديد من المستشفيات للمقومات الأساسية، أصدرت ذات الصوت بلسانها وسألت: “انا اصبت في بداية الحرب، كيف نفذت المواد بهذه السرعة؟ لأنهم يعطوا هذه المواد فقط للأفراد أصحاب النفوذ.”

بدت كلماتها كأنها محاولة لتفسير ما لا معنى له ولتصارع الحقيقة المؤلمة وهي ان البالغين في حياتها عجزوا عن حمايتها من الكارثة التي حلت بها. من خلال اعتقادها ان الأطباء اختاروا إيذائها، فهي على الأقل تخلق منفذاً لتنفيس غضبها.

تقوم اخصائية العلاج الطبيعي بتعديل الأطراف الصناعية التجريبية لليان تحضيراً لتدريبها على المشي.

وضعنا خطة لنرافق ليان لجلسة العلاج الطبيعي في اليوم التالي، ولكن عندما وصلنا لمنزل عائلة عساف في الصباح، كان هناك ازمة تظهر للعيان. في محاولة للتخطيط للمستقبل، طلب ستيف سوسيبي ان يُرافق أحد متطوعي منظمة هييل ليان للموعد الطبي المحدد بعد بضعة أيام بدلا من دينا، ولكن هذا اغضب ليان ورفضت ان تنزل للطابق السفلي. “انا لست سلعة يتم تأجيرها لهؤلاء الأشخاص،” صاحت ليان بينما كانت دينا تقف هادئة في المطبخ وتملئ كوب وردي من نوع ستانلي بالماء، ثم اضافت ليان “هذه جلسة علاجي. لا اريد أي غرباء هناك.”

أبرز هذا الخلاف الحقيقة المزعجة المرتبطة في بعض الأحيان بتلقي الاعمال الخيرية. تعتمد المنظمات الغير حكومية كهييل على شبكة من المتطوعين والمانحين، وهم اشخاص متلهفين لمساعدة طفل خرج من غزة لدرجة انهم قد يستقبلوهم في المطار في بعض الأحيان محضرين صوراً وبالونات، ويدعوهم لتناول العشاء وللأنشطة العائلية وحدائق الملاهي. وهذا من ناحية أخرى يتطلب ان يمثل الطفل دوراً معينة وهو ان يبتسم ويقف لالتقاط الصور ويعبر عن امتنانه.

ليان لا تحب أن ينظر الغرباء الى أرجلها المبتورة ولا تريد شفقتهم، وهي بالتأكيد ليست مهتمة بإلقاء نظرة على حياتهم السعيدة والغير متأثرة بالحرب او الفقدان.

تنفست دينا الصعداء عندما علمت ان برنامج متطوع منظمة هييل لا يسمح لهم بحضور الموعد مع ليان. ولكن الان أصبحت الساعة تقريباً 11:30 وتأخرنا على مغادرة المنزل حيث تتطلب الطريق للمستشفى رحلة بالسيارة لمدة ساعة. نادت دينا وهي تنظر لأعلى السلالم قائلة “هيا يا ليان. انه ليس يوم عرسك، أسرعي.”

عندما خرجت ليان اخيراً، كانت ترتدي سترة لونها ازرق مُخضر وبنطال قصير متناسق مع السترة.  وضعت دينا حبتان كبيرات من المثبطات العصبية في يدها للمساعدة في تخفيف ألم وهم الاطراف، حيث شعرت ليان في بعض الأحيان بصدمة كهربائية تسير في مكان بتر رجليها وكأن جسدها ينادي على الأجزاء المفقودة منه التي لم تعد في مكانها.

عند الوصول للمستشفى، بدت ليان سعيدة برؤية أخصائية العلاج الطبيعي حيث حضنتها ونادت على اسمها مع مد مقاطعه دلالة على الود: “أننننجيييييييييلللااههه.” وبعد ذلك من خلال ترجمة دينا من اللغة العربية، علقت ليان ان غورينو كانت تضع مسكارا في ذلك اليوم. وكانت ليان دائماً تنتبه عندما تغير غورينو أي شي بمظهرها.

ثم أوضحت غورينو: “اليوم عيد ميلاد زوجي.”

وردت ليان قائلة “او لا لا!” وهي تغمز.

الهدف الرئيسي من العلاج هو جعل ليان تمشي باستخدام الأطراف الصناعية مع مساعدة تقل تدريجياً مع الوقت. وكانت غورينو قد ساعدتها على التقدم من استخدام أداة مساعدة المشي للانتقال لاستخدام عكازان تحت الكتف الى استخدام عكاز واحد فقط. ثم كانت حينها ليان مربوطة بحبل معلق على سكة في السقف مما يخولها بالمشي لوحدها. غورينو كانت تمسك الطرف الاخر من الحبل وتسحبه عندما تتعثر ليان، لتمسكها قبل ان تسقط على الأرض.

اما شون مالك، اخصائي الأطراف الصناعية، كان يشاهد حركة ليان عن كثب، وكان في بعض الأحيان يجري تعديلات على الأطراف الصناعية التجريبية، حيث كان يراقب مواصفات جسدها لكي يصمم الارجل المخصصة لها. وستكون هذه جاهزة خلال عدة أسابيع.

خلال الجلسة، جر مالك مرآة كامل ووضعها أمام ليان. وكان قد أخبرني “انها تحب النظر في المرآة.” كانت ليان تتمختر عند رؤية انعكاسها في المرآة، وكانت تتمايل بكل خطوة وتتمتم اغنية بالعربية بينها وبين نفسها لم أتمكن من سماعها.

سمحت ليان لإيمان بالتقاط بعض الصور لها وهي ترتدي الأطراف الصناعية ولكنها أبعدت الكاميرا عنها عندما كانت غورينو تقوم بتمارين الإطالة لجسدها دون الأطراف الصناعية. عندها، تذكرت الفيديو المؤلم الذي قالت فيه انها تريد أرجل حقيقة وليس صناعية، ولكن يبدو الان ان ما تريده ليان هو ان يراها العالم واقفة على قدميها، حتى لو كانوا مزيفات. ارادت ان تقف منتصبة القامة ببسالة وتكو جاهزة لاي شيء قد تواجهه.

تقف ليان في الحديقة الخلفية لمنزل عائلة عساف.

تتمكن منظمة هييل وغيرها من المنظمات التي تقوم بأعمال مشابهة من الحصول على تأشيرات للولايات المتحدة للأطفال كليان بناءً على شروط معينة. ومن هذه الشروط أن الذين تم اجلائهم لأسباب طبية لا يمكنهم تقديم طلب للحصول على لجوء سياسي ويجب ان يغادروا الدولة فور استكمال علاجهم. من منظور الحكومة الامريكية فأن مثل هذه القيود تهدف الى تفادي تحول برامج كـ هييل الى أساليب للتحايل على قوانين الهجرة.

لعدة سنوات كان سوبيسي راضٍ لحد عن هذا التفاهم. وفي معظم الأحيان كان الأطفال الذين تلقوا علاج مختص في الولايات المتحدة قادرين على الحصول على المتابعة التي يحتاجوها في الوطن، حيث كان النظام الصحي في غزة قوي كفاية للتعامل مع هذا. ولكن حصار إسرائيل قد غير هذه المعادلة. بحسب البيانات في شهر أيار/مايو، جرى اكثر من 450 هجوم على المرافق الطبية وتم تدمير او الحاق الضرر بـ 31 من اصل 36 مستشفى في غزة. والمستشفيات التي لا تزال عاملة عليها التركيز على الرعاية الطارئة وإنقاذ الحياة، عندما تتوفر الموارد. في تصريح في شهر حزيران/يونيو، قالت المنسقة الطبية لأطباء بلا حدود في فلسطين، غييميت توما: “إمداداتنا الطبية قليلة للغاية بسبب محدودية تدفق المساعدات التي تسمح السلطات الإسرائيلية بدخولها إلى غزة. وإذا لم نتمكن من جلب الإمدادات الطبية إلى غزة في القريب العاجل، فقد نضطر إلى وقف أنشطتنا الطبية.” وأضافت “لدينا مرضى يعانون من حروق شديدة وكسور مفتوحة، وليس لدينا حتى المسكنات الكافية لتخفيف معاناتهم.”

بسبب الوضع الحالي في غزة، فهناك سؤال فظيع يتبادر للذهن وهو: ماذا لو سافرت ليان هذه المسافة الكبيرة للولايات المتحدة لكي تتعلم المشي مجدداً ثم عادت لوطنها دون ان تجد الرعاية طويلة الأمد المطلوبة متوفرة لها؟ تقول إميلي مايهيو، وهي مؤرخة طبية عسكرية تعمل مع مركز أبحاث الأطفال المصابين في انفجارات، ان ” استمرار الحياة بعد النجاة كشخص مبتور الأطراف معقد للغاية.” واوضحت مايهيو أن أحد زملائها، وهو شخص يعاني من بتر في طرفين مثل ليان، يقوم بفحص درجة الحرارة يومياً وإذا كانت أكثر من 77 (فاهرنهايت – 25 درجة مئوية) يقرر البقاء غي المنزل اليوم التالي لأن الحرارة المرتفعة تجعل استعمال الأطراف الصناعية على مدار يومان متتاليان غير مريح. كما ذكرت مايهيو ان أحد الرياضيين في الاولمبياد الموازية عانى من نمو شعر تحت الجلد في مكان البتر، مما أدى الى التهاب شديد منعه من التدريب لمدة عام كامل.

هؤلاء الأمثلة هم بالغين، اما مبتوري الأطراف الأصغر سناً يعانوا من صعوبات فريدة، ففي العادة يحتاجوا لإجراءات طبية إضافية وأطراف صناعية جديدة تلائم نمو وتغيير أجسادهم. تلبية احتياجات الآلاف من الأطفال مبتوري الأطراف في غزة ستكون مهمة يصعب مواكبتها. وبحسب د.ابوستة، الجراح المقيم في لندن، يجب على اخصائية الأطراف الصناعية حول العالم ان يبدؤا بالتدريب الان لرعاية هؤلاء الأطفال بدلاً من ان ينتظروا حتى انتهاء الحرب. يجب ان يتناوب المختصين بشكل دوري لكي يزوروا غزة لتقديم العلاج، لأنه سيكون شبه مستحيل إجلاء كل الأطفال ليصلوا الاخصائيين. وقال: “يحتاج هؤلاء الأطفال ان يتلقوا العلاج في النظام الصحي الفلسطيني كيفما كان شكله.”

وبالإضافة لهذا، أوضح ابوستة ان غزة ذاتها يجب ان يتم إعادة تصورها لمؤامة جيل كامل من مبتوري الأطراف الصغار بالسن. “يجب ان تصبح مكاناً مختلفاً بما يتعلق بالوصول والاعاقات. المدارس التي يجب إعادة بنائها يجب ان تبدو مختلفة تماماً، وكل ما يتم فعله يجب ان يُبنى على هذا الأساس.” حسبما قال “وهذا يشمل كل التفاصيل الصغيرة.”

 ولكن الان، القنابل لا تزال تتساقط وتوقفها يبدو بعيد المنال. فكرة إعادة بناء غزة في أي وقت قريب بحد ذاتها تعتبر حلم غير ملموس، ناهيك عن القيام بذلك مع أخذ احتياجات الناس كليان بعين الاعتبار. دينا تعلم هذا، وخلال موعد مع طبيب ليان المختص بالتقويم، د.اكمان، عبرت عن قلقها حول كيفية استعمال ليان أطرافها الصناعية في مكان تم تدمير 70 بالمئة من بنيته التحتية المدنية.

قال اكمان: “يمكنها استخدامهم على الاسطح المستوية.”

“ولكن ماذا لو لم يعد هناك أي طرق؟ وماذا بشأن الركام؟” سألت دينا.

“سوف تتلف بسرعة أكبر بكثير،” حسب اكمان، الذي أضاف انه عند حدوث ذلك “عملياً، ستتوقف عن العمل.”

في بعض الأحيان، حين كانت تفكر ليان بالعودة لغزة، كان ذهنها يمتلئ بأكثر الأفكار سوداوية. تقول دينا “لقد سمعتها تبكي وتقول أمور تشبه ‘إذا لم يقتلوني اول مرة، سوف يقتلوني في المرة الثانية.’” 

عندما زرت شيكاغو مع ايمان للمرة الثانية في شهر حزيران/يونيو ، رحبت بنا ليان بابتسامة خافتة بينما كانت تنزل على السلالم في منزل عائلة عساف باستخدام أطرافها الصناعية الجديدة. كانت هذه هي الأطراف التي صممها مالك وستستعملها ليان في لمدة عام او عامان، حتى يتطلب جسمها النامي اطرافاً جديدة. صُممت الأطراف خصيصاً لتتماشى مع لون بشرتها باستخدام مواد تهدف الى محاكاة ملمس جسد الانسان.

لم تكن ليان متحمسة حين أعطاها فريقها الطبي هذه الأطراف قبل اسبوعين من زيارتنا. اخبرتنا مع هز كتفيها “مظهرهم كان مقبولاً،” ولكنها لا تحب استخدامهم للمشي. ويتطلب استخدامهم تعديل وجهد وبعكس الأطراف الصناعية التجريبية، كان عليها استخدامهم طيلة الوقت، وهو أمر مُرهق. وعندما عادت من المستشفى، وضعت الأطراف الصناعية في غرفتها لعدة أيام ولم تستخدمهم. ولكي تشجعها على استخدامهم، خبأت دينا كرسي ليان المتحرك، وإذا ارادت ان تتحرك حول المنزل كان على ليان استخدام أرجلها الجديدة.

خلال جلساتها مع غورينو كانت ليان تنتقل من جهة لأخرى في الغرفة، وأوضحت “الرجل اليُسرى هي ما يزعجني.” هذه الرجل هي التي تحتوي على مفصل ركبة ميكانيكي، ولتفعيل حركة هذا المفصل، كان عليها الضغط على أصابع اقدام الطرف الصناعي. المشكلة بالنسبة لليان كانت التكرار، أي القيام بهذه الحركة في كل خطوة، خاصة ان الطرف الصناعي الاخر لم يتطلب ذلك.

للوقت الحالي اكتفت بجر رجلها اليسرى دون ثني ركبتها. كما حصلت على موافقة الطاقم الطبي بأن ترتدي احذية غير الأحذية التقويمية، وكانت تنتظر وصول زوج احذية مسطحة لونها فضي عبر البريد والذي سيصل في الوقت المناسب قبل الاحتفال بالعيد.

 الموعد الطبي الأخير لليان في شيكاغو كان يوم 3 تموز/يوليو، ومع اقتراب الموعد، ازداد القلق بين سكان منزل عائلة عساف. في بعض الأحيان، حين كانت تفكر ليان بالعودة لغزة، كان ذهنها يمتلئ بأكثر الأفكار سوداوية. تقول دينا “لقد سمعتها تبكي وتقول أمور تشبه ‘إذا لم يقتلوني اول مرة، سوف يقتلوني في المرة الثانية.’”

 خلال حديثي مع سوسيبي، أصر أكثر من مرة أن منظمة هييل لن تُعيد الذين تم اجلائهم الى غزة في ظل الاعمال العدائية المستمرة، ولكن عائلة عساف وليان غير مقتنعين بذلك. ماذا لو لم تترك الحكومة الامريكية أي خيار امام سوسيبي ؟

هناك بعض السيناريوهات المحتملة حول مستقبل ليان ينتهي بها المطاف في دولة ثالثة – قد تكون مصر، حيث تعيش قريبتها التي سافرت معها للحصول على تأشيرة وبقيت هناك، او أوروبا حيث تسكن اختها اريج. ليان قالت انها تشتاق لغزة، وعائلتها واصدقائها، وأنها تريد العودة لها إلا إذا عنى ذلك المخاطرة بحياتها. انها لا تريد ان تشعر بانها عالقة مجدداً.

تقوم بنات عائلة عساف، وليان، وبهاء بشوي حلوى السمورز في الباحة الخلفية لمنزل العائلة.

منذ اللقاء الأول المتزعزع في مطار اوهاير، أصبحت ليان جزءً لا يتجزأ من حياة عائلة عساف، حيث تحضر التجمعات العائلية وتعرفت على أخوات بهاء الكثيرات وأزواجهن وأطفالهن كما تعرف على أسمائهم جميعاً. كما ذهبت الى إجازة مع عائلة عساف لميامي. لا تزال ليان مُتحدية ولكن تعليقاتها اللاذعة تحولت لتعليقات سريعة البديهة. وأصبحت تثق بمستضيفيها لدرجة تمكنها من ان تكشف ضعفها امامهم مما أثلج صدر دينا. وقالت دينا “لديها إيمان مُطلق بنا، انها تثق بنا.” 

واصرت دينا انها ستفعل كل ما بوسعها لمنع عودة ليان لمكان ما هو الا خيال للموطن الذي عرفته سابقاً. “هذا ليس خياراً متاحاً،” قالت دينا “سنوكل محاميين وندفع كل ما يلزم من الأموال.”

في اخر ليلة لنا في شيكاغو، أشعل بهاء ودينا موقد النار الخارجي في الباحة الخلفية، وصنع الفتيات حلوى السمورز قبل ان يتضاءل تركيزهن. وكانت سيرين تتنقل على لوح تزلج الكتروني ذات عجلات مضيئة بسرعة بينما حاولت سارة اقناع أخواتها وليان بأن يتدربوا على رقصة تيك توك معاً. وفي لحظة تركت ليان العكازات التي تستخدمها لتثبيت نفسها وهي تستخدم الأطراف الصناعية وذهبت باتجاه موقد النار، ثم قامت بوضع أطرافها الصناعية على لوح سيرين ونظرت لدينا وبهاء متبسمة.

ثم صاحت دينا عبر الباحة “ابتعدي عن اللوح فوراً يا ليان!”

ثم ضحكت ليان واندفعت عائدة باتجاه الفتيات الاخريات وانضمت لهم ليبدؤوا بالدوران واللهو امام شاشة الهاتف. وفي هذا اللحظة كانت ليان مجرد طفلة ترقص.


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Coming to America

Layan Albaz lost her legs in an Israeli air strike in Gaza.
To learn how to walk again, she had to travel more than 6,000 miles from everything she knew.

Coming to America

The Atavist Magazine, No. 153


Rhana Natour is an award-winning journalist and video producer. Her stories have aired on PBS NewsHour, Al Jazeera English, More Perfect Union, and Scripps News. Her writing has appeared in such publications as The Guardian and Vice News. She shared an Emmy nomination for her work on the Nightline special “Crisis in Syria,” and her article “The Shooter’s Wife” received an award from the Arab and Middle Eastern Journalists Association.

Eman Mohammed is a Palestinian photojournalist from Gaza, and her passion for photography is grounded in her heritage. She began her career documenting life under Israeli occupation. Her photographs have been featured in The Guardian, Le Monde, The Washington Post, and other publications. Her work has been acquired by the British Museum in London and the Harn Museum of Art at the University of Florida. She was named a senior TED Fellow in 2019, and her photographic memoir, The Cracks in My Lens, was published in 2022.


Editor: Seyward Darby
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Lila Hassan
Translator: Ammar Owaineh

Published in July 2024.


Dina Assaf sat in her car outside Chicago’s O’Hare International airport watching the terminal’s sliding doors open and close, open and close. She and her husband, Baha, had been scrambling to prepare for this moment and were exhausted, but in the back seat their three daughters were restless with excitement. Sara, Salma, and Sereen had circled this day—March 17, 2024—on their calendars weeks ago and were giddy that it had finally come. They jostled one another for the best view of the doors, hoping to be the first to spot the person they were there to pick up. She was a young girl like them—she had turned 14 just three days before—and from what the sisters had been told, she was very important.

أقرأ هذه القصة باللغة العربية.

The girl’s name was Layan Albaz, and she had a button nose and a soft voice. What the Assafs knew of her life came mostly from videos on the internet. In one clip, Layan described how she had lost two sisters, a niece, and a nephew in an Israeli air strike in Gaza. She used a wheelchair because injuries she sustained during the attack had forced doctors to amputate her legs. In another video, filmed by Agence France-Presse not long after the air strike, Layan’s face was mottled with burns. “I want them to give me real legs,” she whimpered, clutching an oxygen mask in one hand. “I don’t want fake legs.”

But if Layan was ever to walk again, prosthetics were exactly what she would need, and to get them she was coming to the United States. Shriners Children’s Chicago, a hospital specializing in pediatric orthopedics, had offered to provide her with free medical treatment. And despite being perfect strangers, the Assafs were opening their home to Layan for the duration of her stay.

Sara, the eldest Assaf daughter, was 12, which meant that Dina and Baha had firsthand experience with an adolescent girl navigating a swirl of transitions. But Layan was also grappling with a new and permanent disability. Over the months of Israel’s brutal siege on Gaza, she had lost people she loved and seen horrors one would expect only a frontline soldier to witness. Dina was under no illusion that hosting Layan would be easy. “But I expected more of, like, sadness,” she told me.

When Layan was finally rolled through the doors at O’Hare, Baha stowed her wheelchair in the trunk and placed Layan in the back seat of the car with his daughters. Dina, who was sitting in the driver’s seat, was shocked when Layan first spoke.

“What’s that beeping noise?” Layan asked in Arabic—she had come to America without a word of English. Her voice was laced with annoyance.

“Dina just needs to put her seat belt on,” Baha replied.

“Well, what the hell are you doing?” Layan yelled, locking her eyes on Dina. “Put the damn thing on. You’re giving me a headache.”

Sara, Salma, and Sereen’s eager smiles curved into frowns of concern. Dina thought, What did I get myself into? The Assafs were already learning that their guest was too angry to be sad.

Layan checks her reflection on her way to physical therapy at Shriners Children’s Hospital in Chicago. The scarring on her face is the result of the air strike that forced doctors to amputate her legs.

In Arabic, the root of the word for “amputated,” mabtur, can mean “incomplete.” This feels like a nod to the idea that it’s possible to sever something so essential to a person that they can no longer be considered whole. Someone who has lost a limb has experienced a deviation from the blueprint of the body; like a novel with chapters ripped out, something crucial is missing.

In Gaza, all we have to go by are amputated stories, fragments of the whole truth. Even that most fundamental data point of any war—the death toll—is incomplete. As of this writing, Gaza’s health authority has tallied more than 39,000 fatalities, but with the devastation inflicted on the region’s health care infrastructure, and with many bodies buried too deep in the rubble to be counted, officials emphasize how deficient their figures are every time they issue a report. In early July, an article in The Lancet estimated that Israel’s siege could result in 186,000 deaths, or 7.9 percent of Gaza’s population. But it may be years before we know the true toll—if we ever know it at all.

As for the children, here is some of what we know: As of May, approximately 15,000 were dead, 12,000 were injured, and 21,000 were missing. Among the wounded, doctors have described treating children “shredded” by bombs, crushed by collapsing buildings, and suffering from gunshot wounds to the head. Many pediatric patients have lost arms or legs. For now we have only a single statistic when it comes to these young amputees: Between October 7 and November 29, 2023, Unicef reported that more than 1,000 children had lost one or more limbs. A spokesperson told me in June that the agency had been unable to gather more recent figures, “given the challenging circumstances on the ground.”

This isn’t unusual—authoritative, countrywide figures on the number of pediatric amputees in most conflicts are generally rare. What seems clear is that we are witnessing one of the fastest and most intense mass-disabling events of children in our lifetimes. When the dust settles, relative to population size, Gaza may be left with the largest cohort of children who’ve lost limbs in any war in modern history.

Dr. Ghassan Abu-Sittah is certain that this will be the case. A plastic and reconstructive surgeon who specializes in pediatric trauma sustained in conflict, Abu-Sittah spent more than a month in Gaza, working with Doctors Without Borders, in the early days of the war. The experience, which he also described to The New Yorker, left him determined to assess the full scale of the crisis he witnessed. “During those 43 days that I was there, I did more amputations than I’d ever done in my 20 years as a war surgeon,” Abu-Sittah told me, holding his hands to his temples during a video call from his home in London. “I just needed to understand what the bigger picture was.”

He began reaching out to other surgeons—some who had recently returned from stints in Gaza, and some who were still there. Person after person replied with details that mirrored his own experience. Abu-Sittah realized that what he and other doctors were seeing could be record setting. It was the worst kind of reality check. He now estimates the number of pediatric amputees in Gaza at somewhere between 4,000 and 4,500—so far.

To put this in perspective, the Associated Press has reported that, over two and a half years of conflict in Ukraine, some 20,000 people have lost limbs. Based on testimony from medical personnel, researchers at the Center for Pediatric Blast Injury Studies, a joint venture launched in 2023 by Imperial College London and Save the Children, believe that the number of pediatric amputees in Ukraine is around 1,200.

Here is another way of looking at Abu-Sittah’s Gaza estimate: The average U.S. public school has about 550 students. Imagine eight or nine schools in an area roughly the size of Philadelphia where every kid is missing at least one limb. Imagine also that their amputations happened alongside a torrent of other tragedies: the loss of family members, friends, neighbors, schools, houses.

Now imagine that the only hope to reclaim some semblance of physical normalcy required those children to leave home. Gaza’s sole manufacturer of prosthetics and its affiliated rehabilitation center were destroyed in an air strike months ago; as a result, many families of children who have lost limbs are trying to evacuate them so they can receive medical care abroad. Social media is brimming with their desperate pleas, and only a few get what amounts to a lucky ticket for the mortally unlucky: Countries willing to take pediatric amputees from Gaza are doing so in relatively small numbers.

The kids who do find a way out board planes for distant places. In Layan’s case, that place was more than 6,000 miles away from everything and everyone she knew.

Layan sits in her wheelchair at a physical therapy session. Her host mother, Dina Assaf, holds one of the test prosthetics Layan will use until her permanent ones are ready.

Layan grew up in Al-Qarara, a suburb of the city of Khan Younis. She was the tenth of eleven children. Most of her siblings were much older and had kids of their own; the “little devils,” as she called her nieces and nephews, once set fire to the curtains for fun while her mom was babysitting them. Her father worked construction in Israel, a relatively well-paying job for a Palestinian in Gaza if they can obtain a permit. He stayed in Israel during the week and came home on weekends. Layan and her little brother, Waseem, battled for his attention by telling him about each other’s transgressions while he was away.

Layan began to wear a headscarf in the fifth grade at the insistence of her strict uncles—men who, in her words, “fancied themselves sheikhs.” She didn’t like being told what to do, which is one reason she clicked with her best friend, Samaa. Both girls were daring and mischievous. Samaa didn’t wear a headscarf. She liked to dress in T-shirts and tight pants, and she wasn’t afraid to return the sneers of people she passed on the street who expressed disapproval.

Sometimes Layan and Samaa went to restaurants in Gaza City where no one knew them and pretended to be young adults, just to see who would believe the ruse. They had poetry duels to determine who could write a better stanza. They once stole a teacher’s workbook and distributed test answers to classmates. To formalize their status as best friends, Samaa gave Layan a necklace with a sun pendant; Samaa wore one with a corresponding moon.

On the morning of October 7, 2023, Layan was on her way to school when a barrage of rockets pierced the sky overhead. She grabbed the hem of her dress and ran for home. When she arrived, she called Samaa.

“Are you going to school?” Layan asked.

“No, I’m too scared,” Samaa replied.

Layan’s house was close to the border with Israel, and she was used to staying with her sister, who lived deeper inside Gaza, whenever hostilities erupted between Hamas and Israel. That’s what she did on October 7, but this time there would be no going back. After several days of violence, Layan’s parents got word that their house had been destroyed. Soon, along with thousands of other Palestinians, they crammed into an overflowing neighborhood shelter.

Samaa visited Layan at the shelter. One day in mid-October, Samaa got into an altercation with a girl who’d made a snide remark about what she was wearing. Layan begged her friend to let it go, but Samaa refused. “Samaa was annoyed, and at the same time she was depressed,” Layan said. “She wanted to take all that heat out on someone.” Samaa grabbed the girl by the shoulder and pushed her into a wall, then the girl’s mother intervened and slapped Samaa across the face. Members of Layan’s family had to hold Samaa back from retaliating. Other people crowded around to watch.

Recalling the incident, Layan smiled. The Samaa she knew refused to back down.

Four days after the fight, Samaa was killed, along with most of her family, when a bomb leveled their house. After one of Layan’s sisters told her that there were martyrs at a nearby hospital with Samaa’s last name, Layan called her friend’s cell phone again and again but got no answer. She made her way to the hospital, where she saw Samaa’s mother, still alive, in the hallway. “I said to myself, Samaa is gone,” Layan recalled.

Layan heard the doctors tell Samaa’s mother that she could see her daughter one last time, but they warned her against it. Samaa’s body was in pieces, and it would be a gruesome sight. Her mother shook her head.

But Layan wanted to see her friend. “I didn’t care,” Layan said of the doctors’ warnings. “Samaa was my whole life.”

What Layan saw wasn’t a body. “It was a torso, hands,” she said. But she took some comfort from the fact that Samaa wasn’t alive nine days later—that’s when Layan lost her legs. “If she saw me like this, Samaa would have died of grief,” Layan said.

The air strike came at 4 a.m. on October 27. Layan was with several family members at the home of her sister Ikhlas, who had just given birth to a boy she named Odeh, which means “to return” in Arabic. Layan was awake at the time because she was about to help Khitam, another of her sisters, administer medicine to her five-year-old niece, Jenna. “I was getting up to go toward her, and the missile hit and I fell on the floor,” Layan said. Then a huge cement block dropped into the room—it was so big it seemed to fill the whole space. “Khitam and Jenna died right in front of me, instantly,” Layan said. “To this day it’s in my mind. Just right in front of me.”

Then another missile crashed into the building, and Layan felt herself fly through the air. She would later remember falling, falling, falling; her body dropped six floors before it hit the ground. The force of that impact is likely what mangled her legs beyond repair. All around her, shrapnel and debris fell like rain.

Eventually, an ambulance transported Layan to Nasser Hospital, where just 48 hours earlier she had witnessed Odeh’s birth. “To the refrigerators,” Layan remembered a doctor saying as she was rushed in, referring to the morgue. “No, no, she still has a pulse,” a paramedic replied. “But it’s weak.”

Layan was taken to an operating room, where her legs were amputated without anesthesia. She didn’t know what was happening; she only felt searing pain. “Do you have no mercy?” she screamed. Her cries were met with silence.

It was sometime later, while she was lying on a stretcher in an elevator, that Layan saw the stump of her right leg and understood. “My legs are cut off!” she yelled.

The next thing she remembered was waking up in a hospital room—her parents were there, along with other family and friends. “The first question I asked was about the necklace,” she said. “It was the only thing I had from Samaa.” Her friend Khoolood ran up to her bed. “I have it, Layan,” she said with a reassuring smile. “I will give it to you as soon as you get better.” Layan later learned that this wasn’t true; perhaps Khoolood was trying to comfort her with a lie. The necklace was lost amid Gaza’s rubble, along with Layan’s cell phone, which contained cherished photos and videos of Samaa, of her family, of her life before the war.

Layan asked her father what had happened to everyone in the house when the missiles hit. She didn’t trust her own memory. “May they rest in peace,” her father said. Khitam and Jenna weren’t the only ones who had died—Ikhlas was gone, and baby Odeh, too.

That night, Layan’s mother tried to wash Layan’s hair, which was matted with blood, dirt, and debris. She soon gave up. “Her daughters were killed, her grandchildren were dead. Who could expect her to sit there and clean my hair?” Layan said. Instead, her mother grabbed a pair of scissors and cut it all off.

Layan laughs while holding a long receipt at a grocery store. Since her evacuation, the World Food Program has found that 96 percent of people in Gaza face acute food insecurity, and that the region is at high risk of famine.

Over the next few months, Layan endured a total of five surgeries, only one of them with anesthesia. She battled fevers, infections, and kidney issues. But her family were most concerned about her deteriorating mental health. When she left Nasser because her bed was needed amid a new wave of casualties, her parents took her back to the shelter where they’d been staying. But it was clear that Layan was in no state to be around gawking strangers. She was taken to her grandparents’ home, a multistory building full of displaced relatives, friends, and neighbors.

Things got worse. Just the sight of people walking could send Layan into a rage. Watching children run while playing was too much for her to bear. Her uncle Ahmed tried to take command of the situation. “No one talks to Layan,” he ordered the other young girls in the building. “Leave her alone.” Whenever Layan wanted to get some air on the roof, he’d clear the hallway and the elevator so she could get there unobstructed.

When a child loses a limb, time is of the essence. The sooner they get specialized care and rehabilitation, the better their chances of physically adjusting in the long term. Layan’s sister Areej, who lives in Europe, messaged people who she hoped might be able to help. A distant relative of Layan’s, a journalist in Gaza named Mohammad Alshaer, posted about her on Instagram, where he has more than 100,000 followers.

Soon Layan came to the attention of Steve Sosebee, an American in his forties with striking blue eyes. Sturdily built, Sosebee looks more like a former football player than a longtime aid worker. Originally from Ohio, he worked as a freelance journalist in Gaza in the 1990s, which inspired him to create a charity called Palestine Children’s Relief Fund (PCRF), to transport sick and injured children to the U.S. for free medical care. Sosebee has witnessed conflict in Gaza before, but he sees what’s occurring now as altogether different. “It’s a genocide,” he said. “In my thirty-plus years working there, I haven’t seen anything close to what’s happening today.”

Given the visual record of atrocities available online 24/7, many humanitarian advocates have said that the world is witnessing a live-streamed genocide. A growing number of legal experts agree. In January, the International Court of Justice ordered Israel to “take all measures within its power to prevent” genocidal acts, and “to prevent and punish the direct and public incitement to commit genocide.” The court issued another ruling in July, finding that Israeli settlement policies in Palestinian territory are illegal. The International Criminal Court has applied for arrest warrants for Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu and defense minister Yoav Gallant for war crimes and crimes against humanity, including “starvation of civilians as a method of warfare,” “intentionally directing attacks against a civilian population,” “persecution,” and “extermination.” The ICC has also applied for arrest warrants for three Hamas leaders.

In early 2024, as the bombardment in Gaza worsened, Sosebee launched a new NGO called HEAL Palestine. (HEAL stands for Health, Education, Aid, and Leadership.) Together, PCRF and HEAL are evacuating kids injured in the conflict to foreign countries, including the U.S. This work takes an enormous amount of effort, money, and organizational infrastructure. HEAL has evacuated nine child amputees since last fall. Layan was approved for treatment at Shriners Children’s in early 2024 and traveled to Egypt with an aunt to obtain a U.S. visa. Since then, Israel has seized control of the Rafah crossing into Egypt, stymieing medical evacuations. As CBS News reported in July, “Aid workers say that’s made rescuing children almost impossible.” Still, HEAL is currently working to transport a dozen new pediatric amputees out of Gaza.

Most of HEAL’s beneficiaries travel with a chaperone—a parent or older sibling, for example—and they stay either in hospital housing or with volunteer families who live close to where they’ll be treated. But HEAL said it would be easier to arrange accommodations for Layan if she came to the U.S. alone. Her sister in Europe, who was HEAL’s main point of contact, given communication outages in Gaza, agreed that Layan should make the trip by herself if it meant she didn’t have to wait any longer for the care she needed. Layan was livid about traveling alone. “Everyone came with someone,” she said. “Everyone except me.”

Layan arrived in Chicago determined to show the strangers she would be living with exactly what she was made of.

Layan descends a set of stairs with the assistance of a physical therapist. Her orthopedic surgeon has warned that if she returns to Gaza, her prosthetics will break down easily in the rubble.

The Assafs are Jordanian. Dina came to the United States when she was five, Baha at 18, and they met in a community college English class. Baha, who is now 40, works as the head of finance at a car dealership, while Dina, 38, is a homemaker. They have followed the news out of Gaza closely and oppose the war. Baha has attended local protests calling for a ceasefire. He learned of Layan’s situation through a friend with a connection to HEAL. In a family vote, Dina, Baha, and the girls agreed unanimously to welcome Layan into their home.

Dina and Baha were determined to make Layan feel like she was part of their family, no different from their own daughters. They had a spare bedroom on the ground floor of their house, which would have been easier for her to access, but they opted to put her in a room upstairs, where everyone else slept, because they didn’t want her to feel isolated. They also made sure that Layan’s room had the same bed frame, vanity, and wide-eyed stuffed animals as their daughters’ rooms across the hall.

On the drive from O’Hare, Layan announced that she wanted nothing to do with the Assafs and that she planned to stay in her room all day. When she saw where the family lived, a large brick house in a Chicago suburb, she scoffed that Dina and Baha must be drug dealers to be able to afford it. “We just work hard,” Dina responded. Layan cackled so loudly that it startled Dina.

Layan refused to let Baha carry her up the stairs to her room. Instead, she pushed herself out of her wheelchair and climbed up on her own, using her arms to swing her hips from one step to the next with the dexterity of a gymnast on a balance beam. When Layan saw the room Dina and Baha had prepared for her, her eyes widened. “It’s big,” she said. In spite of herself, a faint smile appeared on her face.

The Assafs soon understood that Layan was dreading the medical treatment she had traveled so far to receive. She had already spent weeks inside a hospital and didn’t want to repeat the experience. But Shriners Children’s is used to treating kids who require lengthy hospitalizations, and it makes its facilities as welcoming as possible. The complex is decorated with bright murals and has a Ping-Pong table. It hosts a “superhero day,” when volunteers dress up and hand out capes to patients.

On her first visit to the hospital, Layan met the specialists who’d be treating her, including Dr. Jeffery Ackman, a pediatric orthopedic surgeon; certified prosthetist and orthotist Shawn Malik; and Angela Guerino, a physical therapist with strawberry blond hair and a cheery disposition. The team would work together closely to help Layan rehabilitate, monitoring every part of her body—muscles, bones, nerves, skin—to ensure that she adapted to life on artificial legs.

There is a common conviction among pediatric orthopedists who work with amputees: Sit in a chair and you’ll start to look like a chair. Doctors want kids who’ve lost limbs to begin using prosthetics as quickly as possible, and Layan had already lost valuable time. In the six months since her amputations, she’d had no physical therapy, and her hips were becoming misaligned because of her tendency to lean to one side in her wheelchair. Without intervention, she could develop a hip contracture, a tightening of joint tissue that would essentially lock her body in an unnatural position for good. During rehab, Layan would need to wear a hip and back brace to correct her alignment, along with compression socks to reduce inflammation in what remained of her legs. Frequent stretching would be necessary to straighten out her lower torso.

Meanwhile, each of Layan’s legs presented unique challenges for her recovery. Her left leg had been amputated above the knee, so the prosthetic on that side would be equipped with a mechanical knee joint she’d need to learn to use. She still had her right knee, but the surrounding skin, replete with scars and possibly with embedded shrapnel, would make fitting a prosthetic to it difficult. Ultimately, for Layan, learning to walk again would be like mastering two musical instruments and playing them at the same time.

Layan was impatient. In her first therapy session, the team put her in check-socket prosthetics—robotic-looking legs used for training purposes—and she tried to bolt over to a treadmill in the corner. “Literally day one,” Guerino said. “I’d known her for five minutes.”

But Layan was also a quick learner. Initially, her team wanted her to stay at Shriners Children’s for two weeks of intensive treatment, after which she would go back to the Assafs’ for a few months and come in to the hospital for regular appointments. But she did so well the first week, and was so upset about having to sleep at the hospital, that her team decided she could return to the Assafs’ early—on one condition. They made Dina promise to hide the test legs from Layan, because she risked serious injury if she tried to use them without supervision.

When Layan arrived at the Assafs’ after her week at Shriners Children’s, Sara, Salma, and Sereen were hiding behind the front door. They jumped out and threw fistfuls of confetti as Dina rolled Layan in. That night, Dina took the prosthetics to bed with her and slept with them between her and Baha.

Baha Assaf, Layan, and Sara Assaf (from left) laugh as they play Skip-Bo on family game night.

As the weeks went by, the anger that Layan directed at her host family softened. Dina responded to her outbursts matter-of-factly, and Layan came to respect the boundaries set for her—even as the only English word she’d seemed to master was “no.” Layan, Salma, and Sara bonded over a love of makeup and skin care. Sereen, who at five was the youngest Assaf, was fascinated by her family’s special houseguest and had a strawberry-patterned backpack where she kept small items Layan gave her, including a whale toy and a jar of pink slime.

Gaza was never far from Layan’s mind. She once shared with Dina a video clip she watched when she missed her sisters. It showed Layan’s father standing over their bodies, which had just been pulled from rubble and hastily wrapped in white burial shrouds. Without her cell phone and its trove of family photos, this was the only way Layan could see Khitam and Ikhlas.

On a Tuesday afternoon in early April, Layan got a phone call that plunged her back into the horrors of war. Dina was cleaning in preparation for hosting a Ramadan iftar, a dinner marking the end of the day’s fasting, when Sereen appeared before her. The little girl was wide-eyed. “Mom, I think something is wrong with Layan,” she said. Dina could hear screaming upstairs.

Dina rushed to Layan’s room and found her in her wheelchair. “Why is this happening?” Layan cried. “I’ve already lost too many people.”

Layan’s cousin had called to tell her that her father and elder brother Karam had been killed when an Israeli aircraft descended over the location where they were living in a tent and opened fire. Dina told Layan to calm down, to breathe. But Layan screamed: “Who’s going to take care of my family? Who’s going to feed them?” Her father and Karam were the breadwinners, and they had been looking after the children of relatives killed in previous air strikes. Layan cried out to God, begging to know why this had happened.

Dina ran to call Baha at work. She told him he needed to let everyone invited to dinner know that it was canceled. When Dina returned to the bedroom, Layan was hitting herself.

“Look at me,” Layan said. “I wish I would have died, not them.”

“Don’t say that,” Dina said. “Why would you say something like that?”

“Look at me,” Layan snapped, her voice dripping with contempt. “I don’t have legs.” She also had a serpentine scar running from her hairline to the bridge of her nose. “Do you see my face?” she asked.

Caught in a whirlwind of grief and self-loathing, Layan kept going. “I will never be normal again,” she told Dina. “Who’s going to want to marry somebody like me? At night when I go to sleep, I’m going to have my husband help me take off my legs when I get into bed? Who’s going to do that? Who’s going to accept that? If anyone should have died, it should have been me.”

Dina managed to get Layan to tell her who it was she’d spoken to on the phone. When Dina realized that it wasn’t an immediate family member, she called a representative of HEAL. She asked them to find someone on the ground in Gaza who could track down Layan’s family and find out what had happened.

Soon Dina learned that Karam was alive, although he’d been hit with a bullet in his shoulder. Layan’s father was in critical condition. It was another of Layan’s brothers, 17-year-old Najee, who had been killed.

Dina delivered the news to Layan. Najee had called Layan three times the day before, but she hadn’t picked up. “I should have answered. Why didn’t I answer?” Layan cried.

For a week after learning about Najee’s death, Layan was afraid to sleep after the sun set. “I hate the nighttime,” she told Dina. “I wish nighttime never came.” When it was late and quiet, Layan couldn’t stop her mind from racing.

She asked Dina and Baha to stay up with her until dawn. They did their best, playing endless hands of Skip-Bo and watching episodes of a Turkish soap opera late into the night. Baha eventually went to bed because he had work in the morning, so Dina finished out the shifts alone. Sometimes she would nod off and Layan would start to cry, jolting Dina awake again.

Only when the sun rose and the rest of the household came to life did Layan finally sleep.

Layan helps Salma Assaf apply makeup. Layan, who traveled to the U.S. alone for medical treatment, soon bonded with the Assaf sisters.

When I first contacted the Assafs about interviewing Layan, Baha described her as a sweet girl. “You couldn’t tell she’s been through what she’s been through,” he told me. Layan and I spoke on the phone, and she was open to meeting with me and Eman Mohammed, a U.S.-based photographer who is originally from Gaza. It was only a few days before we flew to Chicago that the warnings began. Dunia Saad, then the patient coordinator for HEAL, told me that Layan “could be moody” and was prone to changing her mind on a whim. Dina explained that I should “not take anything she says too personally.”

In mid-April, when Eman and I arrived at the Assafs’ door, Dina greeted us wearing a pressed pink silk shirt. Her hair had blond highlights and was ironed straight. She spoke English with a hint of an accent.

Sara appeared, smiling widely as she pushed Layan forward in her wheelchair. Layan wasn’t smiling. She looked at us with a level gaze. “OK, let’s just get this over with,” she said, rolling her eyes. She whipped herself around in her chair and wheeled into the living room.

There we sat with Dina on a gray sectional while Layan dictated how the day would proceed. “I don’t want you to take photos of me that include my injury,” she declared. We had spoken about photographs on the phone, and Layan had agreed to let Eman take them, but I realized that the Layan of a few weeks ago wasn’t the Layan of right now. We had to respect—and contend with—the person in front of us.

Layan didn’t like strangers looking at her amputated legs. She didn’t want their pity. And she certainly wasn’t interested in having to glimpse their happy lives, untouched by war and loss.

It was clear Layan cared about her appearance. At 14, her self-consciousness about it would likely have been intense no matter what; because of her amputations, it was in overdrive. She was wearing a Calvin Klein tracksuit, and her eyes had been carefully rimmed with white eyeliner. Her round, pretty face reminded me of Selena Gomez. A translator at the hospital once told her that she resembled the Lebanese pop star Maritta, which seemed to make Layan happy.

Layan told us that she didn’t want to be seen as a charity case. “I have a future,” she yelled, slamming her water bottle to the ground. “I will not tolerate that when I grow up, I will google my name and all that comes up on every page is pictures of me injured.” She was demanding that she retain at least some control of her circumstances, as she had when she first met the Assafs. She was also insisting that she not be defined by her disability.

We agreed to follow Layan’s lead when it came to photos, then spoke to her about her life, October 7, and the air strike that shattered her family. At one point the conversation turned philosophical, and we discussed whether human beings are inherently good. Layan was firmly against this. As evidence, she mentioned how her legs had been amputated without anesthesia—she presumed that this had been the doctors’ choice. “I screamed so loud, I fainted from the sound of my own screams,” she told us, clicking her tongue at the memory. “And you want to say there’s good in the world?”

When we noted that the devastation in Gaza had left many hospitals without basic supplies, she clicked her tongue again. “I got injured at the start of the war. How were they out that fast?” she asked. “No, they only gave it to people with connections.”

Her words felt like an effort to make sense of the senseless, to grapple with the cruel fact that the adults in her life had been powerless to protect her from catastrophe. If she believed that the doctors chose to hurt her, at least she had somewhere to channel her rage.

A physical therapist adjusts Layan’s test prosthetics in preparation for her to practice walking.

We made a plan for the next day to accompany Layan to physical therapy. But when we arrived at the Assafs’ house in the morning, a crisis was unfolding. In an effort to plan ahead, Steve Sosebee had asked if a HEAL volunteer rather than Dina could take Layan to a medical appointment scheduled for a few days later. Layan was furious, and she refused to come downstairs. “Am I a product to be rented out to these people?” Layan screamed as Dina, remaining calm, stood in the kitchen filling a pink Stanley cup with water. “It’s my therapy. I don’t want strangers there.”

The conflict highlighted an uncomfortable reality that often comes with being a charity recipient. NGOs like HEAL rely on networks of volunteers and donors, people so eager to help a child who got out of Gaza that they’ll sometimes greet them at the airport with posters and balloons; they invite them to dinner, family events, theme parks. This in turn requires the kids to play a role: to smile, pose for photos, show gratitude.

Layan didn’t like strangers looking at her amputated legs. She didn’t want their pity. And she certainly wasn’t interested in having to glimpse their happy lives, untouched by war and loss.

When Dina learned that the HEAL volunteer’s own schedule would prevent them from taking Layan to the appointment, she breathed a sigh of relief. By now, though, it was nearly 11:30, and we were late leaving the house for the hourlong drive to the hospital. “Come on, Layan,” Dina called out, looking up the stairs. “This isn’t your wedding day. Hurry up.”

When Layan finally emerged, she was wearing a teal jacket and matching capri pants. Dina put two large pills in her palm, nerve suppressants to help ease phantom-limb pain; sometimes Layan felt electric shocks coursing through the stumps of her legs, as if her body were calling out to its parts that were no longer there.

At the hospital, Layan seemed pleased to see her physical therapist. She gave her a big hug and said her name, stretching it out affectionately: “Annnngeeeelllaahhh.” Then, with Dina translating from Arabic, Layan pointed out that Guerino was wearing mascara that day. She always noticed when Guerino made changes to her appearance.

“It’s my husband’s birthday,” Guerino explained.

“Ooh la la!” Layan replied with a wink.

The main goal of her therapy was to get Layan walking in prosthetics with less and less support over time. Guerino had helped her progress from a walker to two forearm crutches to just one. Now Layan was tethered by a rope to a ceiling track, allowing her to walk by herself. Guerino held the other end of the rope and pulled on it when Layan stumbled, catching her before she hit the ground. 

Shawn Malik, the prosthetist, watched Layan carefully as she moved. Sometimes he adjusted her test prosthetics; he kept track of her body’s specifications so he could design custom legs for her. These would be ready for her in a few weeks.

At one point, Malik wheeled a full-length mirror into Layan’s path. “She loves looking in the mirror,” he told me. Layan perked up at the sight of her reflection. She swayed her hips with each step and mumbled a song to herself in Arabic that I couldn’t quite hear. 

Layan allowed Eman to take photos of her when she was strapped to her prosthetics, but she shooed the camera away when Guerino was stretching her body without them. I remembered the wrenching video in which she said she wanted real legs, not prosthetics. It now seemed that what Layan wanted was for the world to see her standing on two legs, even if they were fake. She wanted to appear upright, undaunted, ready for whatever came next.

Layan stands in the backyard of the Assafs’ home.

HEAL and organizations that do similar work are able to get U.S. visas for kids like Layan on certain conditions. Medical evacuees can’t apply for asylum, and they must leave the country once their treatment is concluded. From the U.S. government’s perspective, such stipulations prevent programs like HEAL from becoming immigration work-arounds. 

For years, Sosebee was satisfied enough with this arrangement. Kids who received specialized treatment in the U.S. were for the most part able to get the follow-up care they needed back home—Gaza’s medical system had been robust enough for that. But Israel’s siege has changed that calculus. According to data from May, there have been around 450 attacks on health facilities, and 31 of Gaza’s 36 hospitals are now damaged or destroyed. Those that are still functioning must focus on immediate and lifesaving care, when they have the resources to do so. “Our medical supplies are critically low due to the limited flow of aid that is being allowed into Gaza by Israeli authorities. If we don’t manage to get medical supplies into Gaza very soon, we may have to stop our medical activities,” Guillemette Thomas, the medical coordinator for Doctors Without Borders in Palestine, said in a statement in June. “We have patients with severe burns and open fractures, and we don’t even have enough painkillers to alleviate their suffering.”

The situation in Gaza presented a horrible question: What if Layan came all the way to the U.S. and learned to walk again, only to return home and find that the long-term care she needed was unavailable? Emily Mayhew, a military medical historian who works with the Center for Pediatric Blast Injury Studies, told me that “life beyond survival as an amputee is immensely complicated.” She described a colleague, a double amputee like Layan, who checked the weather forecast every morning; if the temperature would be above 77 degrees, he knew to stay home the following day, because the heat would make it too uncomfortable to use his prosthetics two days in a row. Mayhew also told me about a Paralympic athlete who developed an ingrown hair on the bottom of his amputation that became so badly infected, he couldn’t train for a year. 

Those people were adults. Younger amputees face unique difficulties; they often require additional medical procedures and new prosthetics as their bodies grow and change. Meeting the needs of thousands of pediatric amputees in Gaza will be an overwhelming task. Dr. Abu-Sittah, the surgeon in London, said that prosthetists around the globe need to be training now, rather than waiting until the war is over, to care for these children. A steady rotation of specialists from abroad will need to visit Gaza to provide treatment, because it will be all but impossible to bring the kids to them. “These children will need to be treated by the Palestinian health system, whatever it looks like,” he said.

Additionally, Abu-Sittah noted that Gaza itself will have to be reimagined to accommodate a generation of young amputees. “It needs to be a different place in terms of access, in terms of disability. The schools that need to be rebuilt need to be completely different looking. Everything needs to be informed by this,” he said. “Every little thing.”

For now the bombs are still falling, with no end in sight. The idea that Gaza will be rebuilt anytime soon, let alone with the needs of someone like Layan in mind, is a pipe dream. Dina knows this, and at an appointment with Layan’s orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Ackman, she expressed concern about how Layan would use her prosthetics in a place where more than 70 percent of civilian infrastructure has been destroyed. 

“She can use them on flat surfaces,” Ackman said. 

“But what if there are no roads anymore? What about rubble?” Dina asked. 

“They will break down a lot faster,” Ackman said. Once that happened, he continued, “they basically won’t work.”  

Sometimes when she thought about returning to Gaza, Layan’s mind went to the darkest of places. “I’ve heard her crying and saying things like, ‘If they didn’t kill me the first time, they’re going to kill me the second time,’” Dina said. 

When Eman and I visited Chicago a second time, in June, Layan greeted us with a slight smile while walking down the stairs of the Assafs’ home on her new prosthetics. These were the legs Malik had designed, and Layan would use them for the next year or two at least, until her growing body required new ones. They had been customized to match her skin tone, with a material meant to resemble the texture of human flesh. 

When her medical team gave them to her two weeks before our visit, Layan wasn’t thrilled. “Their appearance was acceptable,” she told us with a shrug, but she didn’t like walking in them. They required adjustment and effort, and unlike the test prosthetics, she was supposed to use them all the time, which was exhausting. When she came home from the hospital she put the legs in her room, where they stayed, unused, for the next several days. To encourage her to practice walking with them, Dina hid Layan’s wheelchair. If Layan wanted to get around the house, she’d have to use her new legs. 

During her sessions with Guerino, Layan worked her way from one side of the room to the other. “It’s really the left leg that bothers me,” she explained. That was the one with the mechanical knee; to unlock the motion of the joint, she had to put pressure on the prosthetic’s toes. The problem for Layan was the repetition—doing this with every single step, especially when the other prosthetic didn’t require it.

For the time being, she had settled on dragging her left leg without bending the knee. She had also decided that she was ready to don footwear other than orthopedic sneakers. A pair of silver flats were on the way in the mail, arriving just in time for Eid celebrations.

Layan’s final medical appointment in Chicago was scheduled for July 3, and as the date approached, there was a swell of anxiety in the Assaf household. Sometimes when she thought about returning to Gaza, Layan’s mind went to the darkest of places. “I’ve heard her crying and saying things like, ‘If they didn’t kill me the first time, they’re going to kill me the second time,’ ” Dina said. 

In my conversations with him, Sosebee insisted more than once that HEAL would not return evacuees to Gaza amid continuing hostilities. But the Assafs and Layan weren’t convinced. What if the U.S. government gave Sosebee no choice?

There are scenarios in which Layan could wind up in a third country—perhaps Egypt, where the aunt who traveled with her to get a visa remains; or in Europe, where her sister Areej lives. Layan said that she misses Gaza, her family, and her friends. She wants to go back, but not if it means risking her life. She never wants to feel trapped again. 

The Assaf girls, Layan, and Baha make s’mores in the family’s backyard.

Since the rocky meeting at O’Hare, Layan had become a fixture in the Assafs’ lives. She’d attended family gatherings and gotten to know Baha’s many sisters, their husbands, and their kids by name. She went on vacation with the Assafs to Miami. She could still be defiant, but her biting comments had given way to witty ones. That she had come to trust her hosts enough to be vulnerable in front of them was something Dina especially took to heart. “She has all her faith in us,” Dina said. “She believes in us.”

Dina was insistent that she would do everything in her power to keep Layan from going back to a place that is scarcely a shadow of the home she once knew. “That’s not an option,” Dina said. “We will put up lawyers. We will pay as much money as we have to.”

On our last night in Chicago, Baha and Dina lit up the backyard firepit, and the girls made s’mores before their attention flitted away. Sereen zipped around on a hoverboard with LED-illuminated wheels as Sara attempted to wrangle her sisters and Layan into doing a TikTok dance tutorial together. At one point, Layan dropped the crutches she used to steady herself on her prosthetics and bounded toward the firepit. She then propped one of her new legs on Sereen’s hoverboard and glanced over at Dina and Baha with a smirk. 

“Get away from that right now Layan!” Dina yelled across the yard. 

Layan laughed and galloped back to the other girls, joining them as they swiveled and shook their hips in front of a phone screen. In that moment she was just a kid, dancing. 


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The Extra Mile

The Extra Mile

After a horrific accident, doctors told Todd Barcelona that he’d likely never run again. So he and his wife decided to run farther than they ever had before.
By Maggie Gigandet

The Atavist Magazine, No. 152


Maggie Gigandet is a writer who previously worked as a trial attorney. She writes about the outdoors, people with interesting passions, and anything unusual. She has written for Folklife, Atlas Obscura, Mental Floss, and other publications. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee.

Editor: Seyward Darby
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Kyla Jones
Photographer: Stacy Kranitz

Published in June 2024.


One hundred and twenty runners stood in a clearing overlooking the Mississippi River, listening as a man with a curly gray beard needled them. He checked his watch; an unlit cigarette dangled from his fingers. “Thirty seconds,” he announced to the crowd. “You’re running out of time to change your mind.”

Over the next ten days, these ultramarathoners hoped to cover 314 miles on foot. From the clearing in southeastern Missouri, they’d board a ferry to cross the river, disembark in Kentucky, traverse a narrow corner of the state, then cross Tennessee to finish at the Rock, a cliff on a ranch in northern Georgia. “Remember, the earliest quit was at the Tennessee state line,” the man with the beard said. Someone in the crowd yelled out, “I can beat that.” Everyone laughed. Tennessee’s border with Kentucky was less than ten miles away.

Other than the ferry ride, the participants would have to run or walk every inch of the course. Most wore a hat to protect their face from the July sun and carried a small backpack with water and other essentials. Some stood with a crew, people who would supply them with necessities along the course. Runners without crews were called “screwed” runners. Among them were the Barcelonas.

Todd and Allison Barcelona, 57 and 55, respectively, had completed 20 ultramarathons together. Allison stood with her hands clasped in front of her polka-dot running skirt. Todd’s nerves had kept him awake for most of the previous night, and he felt a little sick to his stomach. But evidence of his grit and the battles he’d already waged in his life was etched into his skin: a jagged-edged divot in his lower left shin.

“Five seconds,” the bearded man warned. A dark wall of clouds encroached on the pale peach sunrise behind him.

At 7:30 a.m. exactly, the man transferred his cigarette to his mouth and lit it, cupping his left hand around the flame to shield it from the wind. He tilted his head back and exhaled a puff of smoke.

“You’re off!” he announced.

Whooping, the throng surged forward. The 2023 Last Annual Volunteer State Road Race was under way.

Scenes from the beginning of the 2023 Last Annual Volunteer State Road Race.

The beginning of Todd and Allison’s story is the stuff of a sweet country song. They attended the same elementary and high schools in Memphis, where Allison was a year behind Todd. When their friendship turned romantic, Todd asked Allison if she would go with him. Allison asked him where he wanted to go. He still teases her about that.

When they were dating, they mainly stayed home, preferring to save money for their future. Allison’s parents joked that they were “16 going on 30.” Allison finished school a year early to be with Todd; they graduated together in 1984. Three years later they were married—Allison was 19 and Todd was 21.

The Barcelonas welcomed a daughter in 1988, another about a year later, and a son in 1991. After they moved to Atoka, a small community about 40 miles north of Memphis, Allison gave birth to their youngest child, Ashleigh. Allison worked full-time as a paralegal, and Todd as a line mechanic at a Cadillac dealership.

In his mid-forties, Todd was diagnosed with high cholesterol. To avoid medication, he changed his lifestyle. He bought a treadmill and began running. He didn’t enjoy it at first, but it grew on him, and after a while he began jogging outdoors.

Eventually, Todd graduated to races. He enjoyed the camaraderie he felt with other runners. Each finisher medal he received was a point of pride. On August 31, 2014, Todd ran a marathon in Tupelo, Mississippi. His goal was to finish in under five hours; he did that with about ten minutes to spare. Allison ran a half-marathon at the same time.

Whether racing or training, the Barcelonas usually ran separately. Allison liked to run with friends, while Todd kept to himself. It might have stayed that way if not for what happened on September 29, 2014.

During their workdays, Todd and Allison stayed in touch. That afternoon, Allison called Todd to let him know that Ashleigh, the only Barcelona child still living at home, wasn’t going to her guitar lesson as planned. When Todd didn’t pick up, Allison assumed that he was still working. But when she looked at the clock a little while later and saw that it was almost 6:30, she got worried. Todd always called her by six.

With Ashleigh standing next to her at the kitchen table, Allison called her husband again. A male voice she didn’t recognize answered. She still recalls how it felt hearing a stranger on her husband’s phone: “I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else.”

The man asked her who she was, but she didn’t respond and repeated the question to him. The man said that he was with the Tennessee Highway Patrol and that Todd had been in an accident. He was at a hospital in downtown Memphis. Allison felt sick.

Allison hung up the phone and turned to Ashleigh. “Dad’s been in an accident,” she said. “We have to go.” Ashleigh said nothing, and mother and daughter got in the car and left.

As Allison drove, she and Ashleigh were both crying. They began pleading with God aloud. “Lord, please, please keep him here,” Allison prayed. “Please don’t let this be his time.” Later she recalled, “I told Him I couldn’t do life by myself.… We still needed Todd.”

En route to the hospital, Allison tried to take the Austin Peay Highway into Memphis, but it was closed. She didn’t know that it was because of what had happened to Todd.

A spreadsheet tracks their progress, and among the names in the document, one always stands out: Oprah. That is the moniker given to the minimum pace—15.7 miles every 12 hours—runners must maintain to stay in the race.

After getting off the ferry, the Barcelonas climbed a ramp to a two-lane road and strolled past a blue “Welcome to Kentucky” sign. Rounding a curve, they passed a cornfield, ears heavy on the stalks. Vol State, or LAVS, as this ultramarathon is sometimes called, winds through urban and rural communities. The course’s terrain is also varied—sometimes flat, sometimes steep.

The Barcelonas, like most of the other race participants, walked to start with, because speed isn’t the most important factor for a successful finish in Vol State. With such a sizable distance to cover, most racers gain little by bolting ahead and tiring themselves out. The key to Vol State is the ability to put one foot in front of the other, hour after hour, day after day. “Many will fail,” a website advertising the race explains. “But, for those who find the steely will and muster the sheer dogged tenacity to overcome the impossible obstacles … [it] can be a transcendental experience.”

Nonetheless, participants would need to manage their pace, because per the race’s rules, Vol State must be finished within ten days. At 7:30 a.m. and 7:30 p.m. every day, runners are required to check in via their phones to report mileage. A spreadsheet tracks their progress, and among the names in the document, one always stands out: Oprah. That is the moniker given to the minimum pace—15.7 miles every 12 hours—runners must maintain to stay in the race. Every morning and evening, Oprah advances up the spreadsheet, and any participant whose name falls below hers risks disqualification if they don’t hustle.

Quirks like Oprah are one of many attributable to Vol State’s founder, the man with the beard at the starting line. Even the full name of the ultra—the Last Annual Volunteer State Road Race—is an inside joke. Amused by race directors who, confident about the long-term prospects, declare an inaugural event the “first annual,” Vol State’s founder decided to dub his the last. (It’s now been run for more than forty years.) The founder once explained his choice to call the minimum pace Oprah: “She is real life. A world of celebrities and politics and ‘luxury.’ ” In other words, she represents the world the runners had left behind when they entered Vol State.

Even the founder’s name has a peculiar backstory. Born Gary Cantrell, he began using Lazarus Lake online years ago for privacy reasons. Now he’s equally well-known by his self-anointed nickname, or Laz for short. In the ultra world he’s a legend: a showman whose long, grueling races, designed with signature flair, have attracted a devoted following.

As the Barcelonas and other runners headed toward Hickman, Kentucky, the first town on the Vol State route, a boxy van approached. This was the meat wagon—another race fixture, driven by a woman named Jan. When runners fell too far behind Oprah, or if their willpower was simply crushed, they’d call Jan and wait for her to deliver them from the course. For now she drove alongside the crowd, a harbinger of what would be the runners’ greatest obstacle: the temptation to quit. Then she honked and drove on.

Chatting with two other runners, the Barcelonas entered Hickman. Todd stopped to take a photo of a black-and-white mural of Mark Twain. The author had once described Hickman as “a pretty town perched on a handsome hill.” Touches of Twain’s pretty town were still visible in the decorative brickwork and keyhole doorways of buildings along Hickman’s main drag, but few places seemed to be occupied. One structure, a popular hotel of yore, stood out with its horseshoe-shaped entryway and windows running the length of its facade. “LaClede,” the name of the shuttered hotel, was painted above the door.

Time and creativity were invested in building Hickman. Now it was a shell of its former self.

Allison and Todd Barcelona on the ferry carrying runners across the Mississippi River.

On the afternoon that changed his life, Todd was driving home from work in his sky blue 1994 GMC Sierra truck. He had purchased it used and lowered the suspension so it sat closer to the ground. It did not have airbags.

Todd approached the intersection of Austin Peay Highway and Old Brownsville Road heading north. A Shell gas station, fields of crops, and stands of trees filled his view. The light ahead turned yellow, and he continued through the intersection. A gray Honda Accord driving south made a left at the light at the same time, failing to yield the right of way. It smashed into Todd’s truck almost head-on.

Michael and Amy Matthews were in a car stopped at the intersection—they heard the screeching tires and saw the collision. Profanities slipped from their mouths. Amy grabbed her phone and called 911 as Michael drove toward Todd’s mangled truck. Before she exited the car, Amy told her 11-year-old son to stay inside. “Don’t even look over here,” she warned.

Michael checked on the Accord. Its airbags had deployed, and the driver and passenger, both teenagers, appeared to have minor injuries. He then walked over to Amy, who was standing near Todd’s truck. The impact of the crash had crumpled the front left corner as if it were a sheet of blue aluminum foil. The hood had been wrenched open and the cab’s frame above the driver’s seat rammed skyward, like the tallest peak in a newly formed mountain range.

The gore on Todd’s face made it hard for Amy to determine his age. To her it looked as if “his nose was almost off”—in fact, it had been flattened to one side. Blood spilled from his head and a gash on his arm, mixing with vehicle fluids that collected on the road beneath the battered Sierra.

The Matthewses tried to reassure Todd that he’d be OK, but he was drifting in and out of consciousness, his guttural moans replaced by silence when he went limp. “I just didn’t want him to die with me, you know, right there,” Amy recalled.

A nurse who had just finished her shift at a nearby hospital stopped to help. She reached in through the shattered driver’s-side window and placed two fingers against Todd’s neck, checking his pulse. In case he had a spinal injury, she put her hands on either side of his head to keep it stationary.

When first responders arrived, they had to pry open Todd’s door, revealing a pool of blood on the floorboard. Every time they tried to ease him from the truck, Todd came to, groaning in pain. Only when they realized why he was trapped—the emergency brake had impaled his left leg—could they remove him safely and rush him to the hospital.

When Allison found Todd in the emergency room, she saw that his face was mutilated with gashes and bruises. “It was gone,” she recalled. Todd asked her three questions.

“Where am I?”

“What time is it?”

“Am I OK?”

Allison answered, but Todd kept repeating the questions.

“Where am I?”

“What time is it?”

“Am I OK?”

Allison told her husband that whatever his injuries were, they would get through this together. They’d move on with their lives. She was just thankful that he wasn’t dead.

“I was thinking that it was going to be the bones, you know? The broken legs and things like that,” Allison said later. “I had no idea it would be the head trauma that would really take him out.”

From left: Lazarus Lake at the Rock, Vol State’s finish line; medals given to participants who complete the race.

After leaving Hickman, the Barcelonas soon crossed into western Tennessee. As screwed runners, they had no one to reliably supply them with food and water. They ate at gas stations and restaurants, and looked for motels with vacancies. Racers unable to find a bed slept on whatever flat surfaces were available: picnic tables, church pews, driveways, even the side of the road.

But rest only ever lasted a few hours. Oprah never slept, and because Vol Staters had to travel nearly 16 miles every 12 hours to stay ahead of her, few had the luxury of a full night’s sleep. Strong runners could cover enough miles to give themselves a buffer, but everyone needed to keep moving. “The lack of sleep was murder,” one runner later admitted.

At least traveling at night was cooler than suffering through the heat of the day. Less than 48 hours into the race, a woman’s glasses were ruined when high temperatures warped the frames. Another runner posted online, “I melted today. I’m just liquid skinbag goo walking down this white line with a giant backpack.” The Barcelonas used umbrellas to shield themselves from the unrelenting sun.

During desolate stretches, runners depended on the generosity of so-called road angels to sustain them. Because the Vol State course is the same every year, there is a strong tradition of people who live along the race’s path aiding runners; these volunteers aren’t race staff, but they’re crucial to participants’ success. Road angels might do something as simple as leave a pack of water bottles on the side of the road. Some set up tents in their yards, along with inflatable mattresses, food, and other supplies. Some road-angel stations have become so well-known that they’re race landmarks. “The people you meet along the way just take your breath away,” Allison said.

On the road, Vol Staters are concerned only with the pursuit of miles, calories, fluids, and shelter. But this winnowing of life soon becomes monotonous. As the world narrows to a seemingly endless stretch of pavement, there’s nothing to distract from the pain of sore joints, aching muscles, and fresh blisters. Each excruciating step chips away at a participant’s resolve, until for some the desire to be rescued from the course swallows the last of their stamina.

On the third day of the race, the Barcelonas were closing in on the 100-mile mark when heat and exhaustion overwhelmed Todd. He erupted with anger, blaming Allison for his misery and pain. They were only there, he said, because she wanted the race jacket awarded to finishers.

Allison did her best to calm him. She’d done it before. “She had to reel me back in,” Todd said. A race like Vol State, he continued, “is very, very, very mental.”

A TBI is a hidden injury. It’s not visible to the eye, like an oozing cut would be, but the effects can alter a person’s life forever.

At about 1:30 a.m. the day after his accident, Todd underwent his first surgeries. An orthopedics team worked on his lower left leg where the brake pedal had impaled him, fracturing his fibula in two places and exposing the bone. At the same time, surgeons worked to repair a lacerated artery in his left wrist. Later that day, Todd had a third surgery to repair the damage to his face. Doctors inserted a metal plate to help reposition his nose. They put a splint in each nostril and fitted another over the bridge.

Some damage couldn’t be repaired surgically. His neck was fractured in two places. The bone in his right heel had splintered. The doctors decided to let his body heal those injuries.

Todd spent eight days in the hospital. Allison never left his side. At one point, after being awake for almost 48 hours, she confessed to a nurse that she needed to rest. The staff set up a cot in Todd’s room so Allison could lie down next to her husband.

Todd was immobilized. He wore a neck brace, a boot on his left foot, and a splint on his right. Pain medications—Dilaudid, morphine, oxycodone—kept him in a stupor. Early in his stay he became disoriented, scratching himself and trying to get out of bed, so hospital staff restrained him and put mittens on his hands. Once, while his restraints were off, he tore away one of his nose splints. It wasn’t like him to be so unruly.  

When finally he was allowed to get up, Todd couldn’t put weight on his right foot. He was told to use a walker but didn’t have much strength in his arms. All he could do was inch himself forward.

Allison tried to feed her husband, but he had no appetite and was soon losing weight. He couldn’t understand what had happened to him. The last thing he recalled from the day of the accident was running an errand at lunch. He never regained his memory of the crash.

Tests revealed that Todd had suffered a traumatic brain injury, or TBI. The accident caused hemorrhaging in both sides of his frontal lobe, the large section of the brain behind the forehead, which governs emotions and personality traits. It was impossible to say exactly how that happened. Maybe Todd’s head had slammed into the steering wheel, or maybe the force of the crash jerked his brain violently enough against the interior of his skull that it caused tissue damage.

A TBI is a hidden injury. It’s not visible to the eye, like an oozing cut would be, but the effects can alter a person’s life forever. Depending on the nature and severity of the injury, people may have trouble focusing and controlling their emotions and impulses, among other symptoms. Behavioral changes can affect careers and relationships. TBI sufferers may also be at increased risk of epilepsy, dementia, anxiety, and depression.

Allison didn’t yet grasp the impact that Todd’s brain injury might have on their lives. In the days immediately after the crash, she was focused on his physical recovery. Todd’s medical team wanted him to go to an inpatient rehabilitation center, but he refused when he learned that Allison wouldn’t be allowed to stay there with him. The prospect of caring for Todd at home scared Allison—she knew that he was too heavy for her to lift alone, for instance—but she agreed to it.

Satisfied with his progress with the walker, the hospital discharged Todd on October 7, 2014. Allison drove them home. They didn’t say much on the way, each lost in their own thoughts and worries. As they approached the intersection where Todd’s accident had occurred, they saw the stains on the pavement. Todd began to sob.

The Barcelonas at a road-angel station about halfway through the race.

On the evening of the fifth day of Vol State, around mile 165, the Barcelonas walked single file down a country highway, listening to birdsong and the chirping of crickets. They were cooled by bursts of air as vehicles zipped past, the sound of motors concentrating into a vibrating crescendo before fading to an echo. They turned down a long driveway leading to a house. An orange sign advertised a road-angel station in the backyard. “Congratulations on surviving the hills so far!” it read.

The Barcelonas seated themselves in a pair of tan patio chairs next to the garage and took off their shoes. Todd pulled his left ankle onto his right knee and adjusted a doughnut-shaped piece of foam on the ball of his foot. A white patch of Desitin stained his shorts; he used the diaper cream to combat foot moisture. When he started the race, his feet weren’t in perfect condition. He already had a blister and a stone bruise, which feels like a pebble in your shoe. For the time being, his feet were holding up.

Allison knew that Todd’s feet would be a factor in this race and any they ran in the future. Lazarus Lake’s newest creation, called the Last Annual Third Circle of Hell, began two weeks after Vol State ended. The course covered 370 miles of mountainous terrain across Tennessee. Lake had likened finishing Vol State to getting a bachelor’s degree in his races and completing the Third Circle to earning a doctorate. Runners had to finish the former, along with another one of Lake’s ultras, to qualify for the latter. Even if she and Todd completed Vol State, Allison wanted to see how his feet fared before committing to the Third Circle.

The Barcelonas put on fresh socks, pinning the ones they removed to their packs to dry. Allison walked gingerly over to a cooler and returned with a bottle of water and an energy bar. After resting a few minutes, she signed a guestbook that had been placed on a fold-out table and the couple returned to the road. A floral smell wafted on the evening breeze.

Not far down the road, the Barcelonas stopped at another rest station at a horse farm. Because they hadn’t found a restaurant or a convenience store to get dinner, they hoped to stock up on calories. Allison rummaged through the cooler and pulled out an apple. She peeled off the sticker and handed the fruit to Todd. While he chugged a Sun Drop, Allison asked if he wanted her to pack another apple for later—she carried their snacks in a small drawstring bag. Allison said that she had to feed Todd to keep him going. Todd worried that she’d weigh herself down.

Todd tends to his feet with diaper cream.

After the Barcelonas returned from the hospital, their two-story brick house, set in a peaceful neighborhood of spacious lots and pristine yards, became Todd’s prison. For months he couldn’t leave on his own. “It was like shutting somebody down and putting them in a suitcase,” he said.For Todd, the loss of independence was the loss of his humanity. Describing that time, he compared himself to inanimate objects: a mannequin, a dummy, “just a big lump.”

Because of his injured nose, he struggled to breathe. Sitting upright helped, so he spent most of his time in an overstuffed recliner. He couldn’t sleep comfortably, and sometimes he got so frustrated at his neck brace that he tore it off and threw it across the room. When Allison heard the telltale rip of the brace’s Velcro, she’d retrieve it from the floor and make Todd put it back on.

Eventually, his body began to mend. After a few weeks, the stitches from his left wrist and the splints in his nose were removed. After a couple of months, he didn’t need the neck brace. The splint on his right foot was replaced with a boot, which allowed him to put pressure on both feet for the first time since the crash.

But even as his lacerations and broken bones healed, his behavior worsened. Todd was like an obstinate child again, throwing tantrums when he didn’t get his way. Sometimes he hurled things at Allison: water bottles, magazines. “It wasn’t the man I married,” Allison said. In abandoning “he” for “it,” she emphasized the distance between the person she knew as her husband and the attitude that had accompanied him home from the hospital.

Allison couldn’t recall Todd laughing even once in the first year after the accident. “There was no joy in him whatsoever,” she said. While she was at work each day, Todd was alone wrestling with his anguish. To keep busy he tried memorizing Bible verses, but he quickly lost focus. He spent a lot of time on WebMD, his morbid quicksand. Desperate to know if he’d ever return to his old self, Todd searched for information about his injuries. When she got home, Allison would explain to her anxious husband that the doctors had done everything they could for him in the hospital.

Before the crash, Allison and Todd had been training for the St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital marathon in Memphis. Allison decided to keep going, treasuring her workouts as time for herself. Todd became jealous. When his orthopedic surgeon told him that running again would be too painful—the doctor suggested biking instead—Todd got even more upset. When he saw Allison lacing up her running shoes, his anger would explode into snide comments. “The bitterness would jab [at me],” Allison recalled of those moments, again separating her husband from his demeanor.

On Tuesday evenings, Allison and Ashleigh went to a Bible study group at a friend’s home. One night, the subject of the Barcelonas’ home life came up. When the group heard about Todd’s behavior, they told Allison that they would pray for her. A running friend offered her a place to stay if she needed to leave home. Allison declined. “I’ve got twenty-something years invested in him. I’m not giving up yet,” she said. When Ashleigh told her mother that she wanted to move out, Allison replied, “But if we leave him, he won’t survive.”

Three months after the crash, when Allison ran the St. Jude half-marathon, Todd and Ashleigh watched her cross the finish line, passing an Elvis impersonator in a cape and bell-bottom jumpsuit shaking a red scarf. From his seat in the stands, Todd saw his wife accomplish what he couldn’t. He was proud of her, but he felt his envy grow.

The Bench of Despair.

Around mile 184 on the Vol State course, a red bench sits in front of a cream-colored building in a small community near Columbia, Tennessee. The words “The Bench of Despair” are painted in black on the backrest. Scrawled signatures surround the ominous phrase, some more faded than others.

In the early 2000s, it had become clear that the bench marked a turning point in the competition. During one Vol State, Lazarus Lake found the race leader perched on it, wrestling with his desire to quit before giving in and abandoning the course. The following year, Lake again found the lead runner at the bench. Holding his head in his hands, this participant was also despondent, but he announced, “I won’t get there by sitting here.” He stood up and kept going.

Lake attributed the bench’s make-or-break quality to its location in the race. When runners reach it, they’ve already battled long and hard against fatigue, the elements, and the temptation to give up, yet they’ve only just passed the halfway mark. There’s so much ground left to cover, and burdened with the weight of experience, they’re are acutely aware of the suffering left to be endured. Without the energy or the hope they started off with, it’s easy to drown in the hardship. Lake summarized the stakes. “You either get in your car and go home and regret it for the rest of your life,” he said, “or get up and go on and regret it for the rest of the race.”

When the Vol State community first began calling the spot the Bench of Despair, the building behind it was home to a country store and grill. The owners heard about the bench’s importance in the race and embraced it. They painted it red and set out a permanent marker for runners to commemorate their progress as they passed.

When the Barcelonas arrived at the spot, they posed for a picture. Grinning into the camera, Allison sat on one side of the bench and Todd on the other, bookending the famed insignia. Allison added their names at the bottom right corner of the backrest, along with the year. Underneath she wrote “Team Barcelona,” affirming their commitment to each other: They’d either finish the race together or not at all.

Before he started running again, Allison described Todd as “a man that was out of control.” Running gave him a chance to regain control.

In early 2015, Todd was able to return to work. He struggled with anxiety during the commute. When he saw an accident on the side of the road, he’d get so upset he had to pull over. His doctor prescribed medication to help him cope.

That spring a letter arrived from the hospital where Todd was taken after the crash. Addressed to Allison, it advertised a seminar for the families of people who’d sustained a brain injury. Allison, a self-described introvert, attended the event but kept to herself.

Listening to the speaker, she felt like she was finally getting the tools she needed to help Todd. She grabbed all the pamphlets on offer. At home afterward, she dived into research, hunting for anything that might improve her husband’s well-being. She burned frankincense to help Todd’s brain heal and lemongrass to improve his mood. She also changed their diets.

Allison learned that Todd needed something enjoyable to focus on instead of obsessing about his injuries and anxiety. Todd had an idea: He wanted to run. Registration for a number of annual races was approaching, and he didn’t want to sit them out again.

One day, Allison and Todd made their way from their house to a nearby street. Todd, finally rid of his boots and braces, had wrapped runner’s tape around his legs and ankles for support. The couple began a slow jog together. Pain raged from Todd’s heels up into his legs. “I was boiling in tears,” he recalled. “It was hurting so bad.”

Seeing her husband in agony, Allison asked him if he wanted to stop. He said no. It broke Allison’s heart to see him suffer, and she worried that the experiment would set Todd back mentally and physically. He covered maybe a few hundred feet before he had to stop.

Still, the brief jog was a victory. Todd felt great. To his mind, he’d struck a blow against the misery that had plagued him for months. When he recalled the experience more than eight years later, the emotion of that day flooded back. He choked back sobs as he described it, slipping at times into the present tense as if he were still standing on that stretch of pavement. “I finally got out on the street,” he said. “This is going to be the start of something that I can do. Regardless of how hard it was and how painful it was, it gave me some hope.”

That summer and fall, Allison and Todd ran together, adding distance as his stamina improved. This was the unglamorous phase of distance running, the repetitive slog of returning to the road again and again to train, and Todd’s constant pain made it even more challenging. That October they ran a half-marathon, the Greenline at Shelby Farms Park in Memphis. Propelled by willpower, Todd finished the race in tears—happy ones.

Before he started running again, Allison described Todd as “a man that was out of control.” Running gave him a chance to regain control. If he wanted to return to the sport, he had to manage his pain, both physical and mental. As he worked toward that goal, Allison saw his attitude improve; he even seemed happy. Over time, flashes of the old Todd returned. “You could see a little bit of him come back, piece by piece,” Allison said.

Running did more for Todd than give him purpose. Exercise helps injured brains in numerous ways. It stimulates production of important chemicals in the body, including brain-derived neurotrophic factor, a protein that promotes cell growth and helps the brain heal itself. Exercise reduces cerebral inflammation and supports essential processes—sleep, for instance, which is necessary to remove toxins that build up in the brain, and hormone regulation, which can ease depression. It isn’t a miracle cure for a brain injury, however. Many factors affect a person’s ability to heal; genetics, personality, diet, even education can affect outcomes.

Sometimes, Todd’s determination almost outweighed his capabilities. In January 2016, the Barcelonas ran the Herb Parsons Trail half-marathon. Todd typically ran on flat surfaces, but this was a trail race. Because he still struggled with mobility in his ankles, it was difficult to maneuver his feet over rocks and roots. Again and again, he tumbled to the ground—so often that it scared him. But he picked himself back up, and after three hours he and Allison finished together.

In April 2016, the Barcelonas ran the Tanglefoot Trail marathon in Mississippi, Todd’s first full marathon since the crash. He finished in about five hours—remarkably, that wasn’t too far off the time it took him to complete the last marathon he ran before the crash. But the Barcelonas were a little bored by the course. They decided that they needed a bigger goal.

Their new plan was to run an ultra.

Extreme weather was a feature of the 2023 Vol State race.

Lazarus Lake founded Vol State on the notion that people “are built to overcome challenges.” He wanted to run across Tennessee, and in 1980 he decided to try. Lake, who had been interested in running since his high school cross-country days, ran 65 miles in his first 12 hours on the road, then stopped in Murfreesboro, where he caught a football game in a bar and drank free beers provided by patrons who got wind of what he was doing. When he hit the road again, he was caught in the rain. He stuffed his jacket with newspaper to keep warm, but it turned to mush. He finally called someone to pick him up after running 93 miles in about 20 hours. Lake tried the run again and again; others joined, and Vol State was born.

Lake declared Vol State 2023 “the year of the thunderstorm,” predicting that it would “be remembered for the most mercurial weather in the history of the race.” The Barcelonas equipped themselves with ponchos and umbrellas, but they were continually soaked from either rain or sweat. Almost a week into the race, the National Weather Service issued a flood watch for the area. During one storm, runners and road angels huddled under a purple supply tent as hail pelted the ground. Other tents were crushed.

The Barcelonas avoided one deluge by sheltering in a Dollar General. When they felt the first drops of rain, they headed for the store, which was about a quarter-mile off the course, sacrificing hard-earned mileage for a dry haven. Next to the household cleaning supplies, the Barcelonas sat on flattened cardboard boxes and took off their shoes. They made sandwiches with ham, cheese, and a loaf of bread they bought on-site.

For a few hours, the couple shared their food and chatted with other runners who’d found their way to the Dollar General. It was a fun break from the race, but Todd knew that time spent inside was time they weren’t making progress. When the rain stopped, they had to recoup the lost mileage by walking or running late into the night.

As the race wore on, runners vented via online check-in comments about blisters and hip and knee pain. “All my body parts are screaming at each other. Can’t we just learn to get along? Just for 94 more miles?” one person wrote. Another complained, “Pain. My body is in pain. A lot of pain. Agonizing pain. Wow.”

Days of suffering frayed runners’ nerves. One confessed, “2 miles of tears for zero reason today. Yes, we are having fun.” Even Allison, usually the more stoic of the Barcelonas, had a deprivation-induced meltdown. She had to sit on a guardrail until she collected herself enough to continue.

The race conditions also shook runners’ sanity. At one check-in a participant joked, “Want to experience killer hallucinations, but need to pass a urinalysis? Run LAVS.” Another runner reported having a conversation with Theodore Roosevelt. Allison once thought she saw a horse standing in the middle of the road. Todd had to tell her that it wasn’t there.

The Barcelonas never leave each other’s side during a race; one would never finish without the other.

Ultramarathons all have one thing in common: Runners must cover a distance greater than a marathon’s standard 26.2 miles. Beyond that, the races can vary significantly. Some are defined by a set distance, anywhere from about 30 to hundreds of miles; others are classified by duration, with participants covering as much ground as they can in a set period. Some ultras can be finished in less than a day; some require several days. Participants might run on paved roads or trails; they might start at one point and finish at another or circle a looped course. Some courses have aid stations that provide food and fluids; others, like Vol State, lack official support. Ultras occur all over the world in all types of terrain and weather, from the frozen Arctic Circle to the extreme heat of Death Valley. No matter what race an ultramarathoner finishes, there’s always something harder out there.

After deciding to enter the ultra world, the Barcelonas hired Kevin Leathers, a running coach. At first Leathers was skeptical that Todd could finish a race that long. He’d never worked with anyone required to manage as much daily agony as Todd did. Leathers soon realized, however, that “Todd had a different definition of pain and discomfort” than most people—an asset when it came to ultras. “No sane person who has lived a stress or trauma-free life typically indulges in the voluntary trials, difficulty, and mental and physical dark places that the sport requires,” Leathers wrote to me in an email.

The Barcelonas ran several times per week and dedicated some of those runs to tackling longer and longer distances. They grew stronger by running hills and by exercising their upper bodies and core muscles. They optimized their diets and experimented with gear and fueling strategies. They persevered through blisters and sore muscles; Allison broke a toe. Eventually, Todd’s legs were strong enough that he no longer felt pain while running, although the ankle that was crushed in the accident still got tired and tight. Leathers never heard Todd complain.

Leathers also trains clients to deal with the mental side of ultras. “It’s like you’re in a nice room-temperature pot of water, and then gradually, all day, they turn it up—just tick, tick, tick, all day. It’s a very slow burn,” he said. “All of a sudden, it’s just awful.”

Todd and Allison competed in their first ultra, Run Under the Stars, in Paducah, Kentucky, in the summer of 2016. Overnight they circled a half-mile track, covering as much distance as they could in ten hours. Their goal was 38 miles. After nine and a half hours, they stopped at 36.5, pleased with the accomplishment. They’d found their niche: Endurance, it turned out, was a Barcelona specialty.

On June 26, 2017, almost three years after the crash, Todd was rear-ended by another driver. It happened while he was on his way home from work, this time driving a gray 2003 Dodge Durango, Allison’s old car. Allison was at work when her phone rang. She answered and heard Todd crying and shrieking. At first she couldn’t understand what he was saying. When finally he was able to communicate where he was, she left work and drove to the scene. She calmed Todd as much as she could. After speaking with the police, Todd was able to drive his vehicle away; the car that hit him had to be towed.

Todd’s fender-bender was a reminder that trauma still haunted him. Still, no matter what else was happening in their lives, the Barcelonas kept running. They met with Leathers regularly at a coffee shop to get new training plans. “As a couple and individually,” Leathers said, “I found out there was a lot more under the hood than meets the eye.”

Leathers once advised the Barcelonas about what to do if one of them was unable to continue in a race. He said they each needed to be clear that it was OK for the other to keep going. In time, however, he learned that his advice was moot. Allison and Todd never left each other’s side during a race, no matter what—one would never abandon the other to finish. It was Leathers who first referred to the couple as Team Barcelona.

Running had become part of Todd’s identity and key to his survival. “It’s something for me to hold on to,” he said. “And if it’s not there…” He tried to find words to explain. “I don’t know, I can’t go there,” he said.

Allison’s relationship with running had changed, too. During their meetings with Leathers, she asked pointed questions and listed their goals. Leathers had worked with many women like Allison. They’d had a career, raised a family, and come to running later in life. “They discover this inner beast, competitive, tough as nails,” Leathers said. “She’s got something there that she unleashed.”

One day, Todd and Allison came to Leathers with a new idea: They wanted to run 100-mile ultras. When a client mentions this goal to him, Leathers’s first job is to push back. “Are you sure?” he’ll ask. “Do you have any idea how hard that is?” He details the physical and time commitments that pushing the human body to cover such a long distance requires. But he couldn’t dissuade the Barcelonas.

In November 2017, Todd and Allison ran their first 100-mile race in Vienna, Illinois. Eventually, they advanced to multi-day races. And in June 2021, they ran their first ultra designed by Lake—the Last Annual Heart of the South Road Race.

HOTS is unique even by Lake’s standards. Runners board a bus at the Rock—the finish line of Vol State—and only learn where the race starts when the bus stops somewhere about 350 miles away. Every year it’s a different location. Lake designs the course to pass through as many towns and by as many interesting sights as possible, and despite the challenges of the race, the Barcelonas enjoyed taking in the scenery. They did the race the next year, intrigued by the idea of a new course. “Laz is such a detail man,” Allison said.

When Lake learned the Barcelonas’ story, he wasn’t surprised that they’d turned to ultras. “When you run ultras, you’re always rebuilding yourself,” he said. The Barcelonas were doing that as a unit. “They’re struggling together,” Lake said, “and they’re struggling to do something new.”

A cheeky sign posted along the final stretch of the course.

At about 6:15 p.m. on Friday, the eighth day of Vol State, the Barcelonas arrived at the Mountain Mart, a race landmark that sits high above the Sequatchie Valley, about 23 miles from the finish line. The store’s name was spelled out in individual letters cut from wood, painted red, and cracked by exposure to wind, sun, and rain. Inside, Allison ordered two of the store’s famous giant burgers from a woman in a black hairnet behind the counter. Then the Barcelonas found a table where they could wait for their food. They sat in chairs bolted to the tile floor, sandwiched between shelves of paper towels and toilet paper on one side and display cases of rifles and handguns on the other.

A middle-aged woman with short blond hair and an oversize black purse walked up to a cooler near the couple. Noticing the Barcelonas’ packs, she asked them why she’d seen so many people walking on the highway. Allison and Todd explained.

“What an adventure,” the woman said. “It’s like you’re really living life.” They exchanged pleasantries, and the woman turned to pull a case of hard seltzer from the cooler. Then she blurted out, “Yeah, get all the life you can, because tomorrow I’m burying my husband.”

Allison couldn’t speak. Todd managed, “Oh no.” And then: “How old?”

“Sixty-four,” the woman said. “Yeah, love of my life. So ya’ll walk on.”

Then she stepped away, turned past some shelves, and was gone.

Allison was trying to hold back a flood of tears. Todd took a napkin from the dispenser between them and gave it to her. She clenched it in her fist as she hunched over, with her head bowed toward her knees. Todd leaned on his elbow, turning his face away.

“If people ask me now whether I’d want Todd to go through it again,” Allison said, referring to the crash, “and I automatically say yes, they don’t understand.”

One night back in 1986, Todd and Allison sat down to eat dinner. Todd had snuck a ring under Allison’s hamburger. When she picked up her food to take a bite, Todd proposed. Allison can’t remember the exact words he used. “Whatever he said, the answer would always have been yes,” she said. “I mean, we were just paired together for so long.”

Todd sees their bond in a similar light. “We’re just part of each other, I guess,” he said. “You can’t have one without the other.”

But given enough time, even soulmates can start to take each other for granted. The crash and its aftermath made Allison realize that, in her words, they’d been “going through the motions” as a couple. The accident became a catalyst for a different kind of relationship, one nourished by running long races together. “Now everything we go through, we go through as a team,” Allison said. What to many people might sound like the premise for a survival film is therapy for the Barcelonas: Pushing themselves to the limit with only each other to rely on has brought them closer.

“If people ask me now whether I’d want Todd to go through it again,” Allison said, referring to the crash, “and I automatically say yes, they don’t understand.” But they don’t have to.

Lake and Todd at the finish line.

The Barcelonas made it to Kimball, Tennessee, the last town they’d pass through before the Vol State finish line, a little after 11 p.m. on Friday night—a few hours after stopping at the Mountain Mart. They had a decision to make: Would they get some rest or push through to the end? They walked into the white, freshly remodeled lobby of a roadside hotel to discuss their options. A soft bed and air-conditioning awaited mere feet away. Still, they decided to continue.

Back outside, where the neon lights of gas stations and fast-food restaurants glowed in the dark, the Barcelonas headed for the Shelby Rhinehart Bridge spanning the Tennessee River. Called the Blue Bridge by runners because of the shade of its elegant metal arches, the structure marked 11 miles from the end of the race. They kept going, eventually crossing into Georgia’s northwestern corner. With six miles to go, they began their ascent of Sand Mountain and walked what’s known as the Cheesegrater, a road riddled with potholes. For many exhausted Vol Staters, taking a few extra steps to avoid the craters wasn’t worth it—runners remained fixated on the shortest, straightest course to the finish. “Had rocks in my shoes,” one participant said. “My brain kept telling me to stop and get them out, and I was like—no, we don’t care anymore. Just go.”

Finally, the Barcelonas made it to the private ranch where the Rock is located. They walked through a stone entrance and down a tree-lined driveway before turning left onto the race’s final stretch. A sign placed by Lake greeted them: “Finish—one mile! No kidding.” A red arrow pointed the way.

The couple followed a pair of tire tracks worn into a grassy path between cornfields. Runners who’d already finished the race had reported seeing a mountain lion in the area. One report could be dismissed as a hallucination; two were cause for concern. When the ranch owner confirmed that a wilderness camera had caught a large cat on the property, Lake posted a warning on Facebook. But the Barcelonas were too exhausted to worry about wild animals in the cornstalks.

The recent storms had made sections of the path almost impassable. The Barcelonas’ shoes squished when they slipped in the muck. At one point the ground sucked a sneaker right off Allison’s foot, but she managed to step back into it. More of Lake’s signs appeared, taunting her and Todd.

“Finish—Last Mile! (really) (trust me!)”

“Finish—only 1 more mile! We really mean it this time!”

“Finish—one mile! We would never lie to you!”

At about 4:45 a.m., after 24 hours of traveling nonstop over the final 38 miles of the course, the Barcelonas emerged from a wooded area into a clearing—Allison first, Todd a bit behind her. Their gasps for air joined an early-morning chorus of crickets and frogs. Lake appeared, too—he’d been sleeping in his car—and led them to the Rock to take in the view of victory. Just a hint of light had turned the sky from black to dark blue.

Allison walked out onto the moss-covered stone that forms the cliff’s edge and stood at a metal guardrail with a red stop sign. Lake announced her finishing time: She’d covered 314 miles in 8 days, 21 hours, 21 minutes, and 10 seconds. Todd then took Allison’s place at the guardrail. His time, Lake said, was 8 days, 21 hours, 21 minutes, and 53 seconds.

The Barcelonas hobbled to a nearby tent. Todd’s feet were throbbing, and he was scared to take off his shoes—because of what his feet might look like, because he might not get them back on, or both. Lake joked with them, inventing a story that Todd had battled the mountain lion with his bare hands while Allison sprinted to the finish. Slowly, the Barcelonas’ haggard faces became more visible as the sun rose.

Another runner finished. “Y’all been together the whole time?” she asked the couple. Todd told her they had. “That’s a crazy way to do it,” she replied. “I don’t think I like anybody enough to spend eight days suffering with them.”

The Barcelonas laughed.


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Anatomy of a Murder

 Anatomy 
 of a 
 Murder 
 

The Atavist Magazine, No. 151


John Rosengren is a journalist in Minneapolis and has written for more than 100 publications, including The Atlantic, Sports Illustrated, and The Washington Post Magazine. He is the author of nine books, including Hank Greenberg: The Hero of Heroes. His previous Atavist story, “The Pretender,” was published as Issue No. 107.

Editor: Jonah Ogles
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Kyla Jones
Illustrator: Marco Lawrence

Published in May 2024.


Grand Marais is a quiet outpost on Lake Superior’s North Shore, set among boreal forest in the easternmost corner of Minnesota. The town of roughly 1,300 is home to a mix of artists and outdoor enthusiasts, working-class people and professionals, liberals and diehard Trump supporters. In the summer, Grand Marais’s art galleries, shops, and restaurants swell with tourists drawn to what the website Budget Travel once dubbed “America’s Coolest Small Town.” The wait for a table at the Angry Trout Café, which serves locally sourced cuisine in an old fishing shanty, can run to more than an hour. When summer is over, the town retreats into itself again, which suits full-time residents just fine. “Even though we’re a tourism economy, most of us live a life where we just don’t want to be bothered,” said Steve Fernlund, who published the Cook County News Herald in the 1990s and now writes a weekly column for The North Shore Journal. “I’m at the end of a road, and I’ve got 12 acres of land. My closest neighbors are probably about 600 feet away through the woods. So, you know, we appreciate being hermits.”

Content warning: This story contains graphic descriptions of the sexual abuse of children.

Yet privacy only extends so far here. Gossip travels fast while having breakfast at the South of the Border café, or in chance encounters along Wisconsin Street. Everybody knows everybody else’s business—or thinks they do. “Even though there are differences of opinion—we have an eclectic collection of opinions—this is a close-knit community,” said Dennis Waldrop, who manages the Cook County Historical Museum. “Anything that happens here is discussed extensively.”

The residents of Grand Marais have had a lot to discuss in recent years. A suspicious fire that destroyed the historic Lutsen Lodge. The suicide of their neighbor Mark Pavelich, a star on the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team that defeated the Soviet Union. Plans for the 40 acres near town owned by convicted sex offender Warren Jeff’s fundamentalist clan. All those events stirred plenty of talk.

But nothing has captivated local conversation quite like what happened between Larry Scully and Levi Axtell in March 2023. A shocking act of violence attracted international attention and split the town over questions of truth and justice. Grand Marais is still trying to piece itself back together.


Every small town has its cast of offbeat characters. Larry Scully was one of Grand Marais’s. Larry, who was 77 in 2023, dwelled on the fringe of town, where Fifth Street meets Highway 61, and on the fringe of reality. His two-bedroom house, which used to belong to his parents, was crowded with items he’d hoarded over the years. The mess spilled into his front yard, which was cluttered with satellite dishes, a statue of the Virgin Mary, and a wood-frame sign advertising “antler bone art.” The sign was decorated with several of Larry’s scrimshaw carvings, which he hawked at art fairs. In addition to carving, he’d tried his hand at an array of other pursuits: refurbishing broken electronics, selling solar-powered generators that could run home appliances in the event of an emergency, and even fashioning leather lingerie that he peddled to women. Larry had had no stable career to speak of since he arrived in town in the early 1980s.

Larry was a conspiracy theorist. On his Facebook page, he posted videos and articles declaring that the federal government controlled the weather, that Sandy Hook was a hoax, that Timothy McVeigh was a “CIA patsy,” that the totalitarian New World Order was real. Around Grand Marais, Larry was also known to be exceedingly religious. He attended Mass on Saturday evenings at St. John’s Catholic Church, always sitting in the front row, and he believed that the statues there cried actual tears—sometimes of blood. He carried a lock of hair that he said once belonged to Father Mark Hollenhorst, a priest at St. John’s who died in 1993, in a leather pouch around his neck; he claimed that it could effect miraculous cures.

Larry referred to himself as a prophet and would often appear around town dressed in a cloak and sandals and carrying a wooden staff. He once showed up on the courthouse steps for the National Day of Prayer clad all in black, his head covered by a medieval-type chainmail hood, and fell to his knees screaming. Another time he berated a group of gay people who’d gathered in downtown Grand Marais, shouting through a bullhorn that God didn’t approve of them.

Many locals found Larry’s zeal exhausting. “When I’d see him, I’d know I was going to be there for a long time, because he’d go on and on,” said Laura Laky, a Grand Marais resident. “He’d talk about the end-times, the Book of Revelation, Christ coming again.”

Other people were scared of Larry. Rumors that he abused children circulated around Grand Marais for years. People whispered about him watching kids from his parked car. There were claims that he’d videotaped girls’ volleyball games and children at Sven and Ole’s, the local pizzeria. A member of the nearby Chippewa tribe told me that Larry had been banned from the Grand Portage powwow after parents complained about him passing out candy to their children.

Larry once approached a man named Gary Nesgoda at a gas station and asked if he had kids. When Nesgoda said that he did, Larry showed him pictures of a fairy garden he’d built behind his house. There were miniature staircases and doors, and little figurines set amid tree roots. Larry insisted that Nesgoda, who had recently moved to Grand Marais, should bring his kids over to see it. “Everything he was telling me sounded pretty neat,” Nesgoda told me. Then, in the gas station parking lot, someone who’d overheard the conversation stopped Nesgoda. “Do not bring your children over there,” they warned.

This was a common theme. “Larry was the boogeyman,” said Brian Larsen, editor and publisher of the Cook County News Herald, who is a father of four children. “You’d tell your kids to stay the heck away from him.”

In 2014, Larry decided to run for mayor of Grand Marais. In a candidate forum broadcast on WTIP, a community radio station, he ranted about Christianity. “We can’t sit by and let our government stop us from having the Bible in the military, taking out the crucifixes, taking out the Ten Commandments in our federal buildings and establishments,” he said. Then, just before election day, the Cook County News Herald ran a front-page article that seemed to confirm the longstanding speculation about Larry. The piece detailed his criminal conviction for the sexual assault of a six-year-old girl.

“Take whatever treatment is available to you,” the judge said, “because this type of conduct, of course, is just wholly unacceptable.”

Before he became an object of fear and fascination in Grand Marais, Larry was married—twice. For a time he lived with his second wife, Sheila, in Ramsey, about 25 miles outside Minneapolis. On Ash Wednesday in 1979, Sheila went to evening Mass and then to bowl in her weekly league, leaving Larry home alone with their five children: three young boys from his first marriage and six-year-old twins, a boy and a girl, from hers. While the other children slept, according to police and court records, Larry invited his stepdaughter into his bedroom.

The little girl later told a police investigator that he showed her “pictures of naked people,” touched her “potty area” with a vibrator, then stuck his tongue and finger into her vagina. She said it wasn’t the only time he’d touched her, and that he’d warned her not to tell anyone, but she went to her mother anyway. Sheila reported the incident to child welfare services, who notified law enforcement. She told the police investigator that her husband had also recently become violent and suicidal.

The police arrested Larry. In a recorded statement with investigators, he admitted that he’d had sexual contact with his stepdaughter on two Wednesday evenings while his wife was bowling. A psychiatrist determined that he was competent to stand trial, finding no evidence of “any kind of psychiatric disorder.” Rather than face a jury, Larry confessed to second-degree criminal sexual conduct, and the prosecution recommended a sentence of five years. Two court psychologists submitted reports indicating that Larry wasn’t open to receiving treatment. At an October 1979 hearing, the judge urged Larry to reconsider. “Take whatever treatment is available to you,” the judge said, “because this type of conduct, of course, is just wholly unacceptable.”

Larry was incarcerated in Minnesota’s Stillwater prison, and in records from his time there, there’s no mention of him receiving counseling or treatment, though he did join a Bible study. Soon, changes to the state’s sentencing guidelines allowed Larry to seek early release. Since the state did not provide evidence that doing so would “present a danger to the public,” the court approved Larry’s request. He left prison on January 19, 1982, after serving a little more than two years for his crime.

In those days, there was no sex offender registry in Minnesota, or in most states. Larry was at liberty to go where he liked. Sheila had divorced him by then, and his three sons were living with their mother. Larry, who was 36 at the time, hitchhiked to Grand Marais to move in with his parents.

Three decades later, Larry lost the town’s mayoral election, 345 votes to 42. Many locals were surprised that he’d gotten any votes at all, especially after the story broke about his criminal record. “Forty-something people voted for him,” said Amber Waldrop, who lived down the street from Larry. “They knew about this guy. For anybody to even think that someone like that should become mayor of this town is sickening.”

Some of those votes came from Larry’s friends, many of whom shared his belief in conspiracy theories. Perhaps it’s no surprise that they also believed what Larry told them: that the accusations against him were made up, that his ex-wife had encouraged her daughter to lie to the police, that he only took the plea deal to avoid a long prison sentence.

Larry’s friends knew that he tended to hijack conversations and go on at length about topics ranging from the Rapture to homeopathic cures, and that he engaged strangers in ways many people found uncomfortable. But being an oddball, they said, isn’t a crime. Some of his friends thought Larry was on the autism spectrum, which made it hard for him to read social cues and show empathy. “This man has been persecuted all of his life,” said Bob Stangler, a Vietnam veteran who knew Larry for years. “The citizens of the area have labeled him a pervert, and he’s not a pervert at all. He’s a genius with Asperger’s who’s overcaring of people.”

A woman I’ll call Carol, who asked that her real name not be used, said she was so close with Larry that she spoke to him almost daily for 12 years. She knew him to visit sick people, distribute food to the needy, and take care of his ailing mother, who died in 2013. At her memorial service, Larry displayed his mother’s ashes in a cookie jar resembling the Star Wars character R2-D2, saying that it was what she wanted. (His father passed away in 1997.) “As long as I’ve known him, he never hurt anybody,” Carol told me.

She knows that hers is a minority opinion, that for many people in town Larry was foremost a convicted sex offender. “You can never get rid of that label,” she said.

Once they learned about his 1979 conviction, many parents in Grand Marais were more worried than ever that Larry posed a threat to their children. It’s a common enough fear. On the far right, popular conspiracy theories such as QAnon decry a global cabal of child molesters, but even among the general population, concern about the danger posed by pedophiles is widespread. In a Lynn University poll, 75 percent of roughly 200 Florida adults said they believed that sex offenders would reoffend. Yet according to a meta-study conducted by researchers at Public Safety Canada in 2004, one of the most comprehensive available, only 23 percent of people convicted of child sexual abuse were charged or convicted of a similar crime within the next 15 years. (The study’s authors concede that many victims never come forward.) In interviews for this story, researchers noted that recidivism rates have declined even more in recent years.

No one came forward to accuse Larry of more recent abuse after his 1979 conviction. Still, perception alone was enough to put many Grand Marais parents on edge. For one young man, that concern became an obsession.


If you were passing through Grand Marais a few years back and stopped for gas at the Holiday station on the corner of Broadway and Highway 61, you might have met a stocky cashier with a round, friendly face. While making change, he might have told you one of his homespun puns or signature dad jokes: Why does Paul Bunyan trip in the woods? Because he’s always felling.

That cashier was Levi Axtell. He was raised by his parents, Denise and Treg, in Hovland, a small community located 18 miles from Grand Marais. The Axtells were devout Christians and widely respected in Grand Marais, where they both worked. Denise was a nurse, Treg a physical therapist. The couple had three children: daughters Karlee and Katrina, and Levi, the youngest.

Levi grew up in a picturesque log cabin in a clearing among birch and pine trees. The woods were his playground. He spent hours there as a child, often with his friend and neighbor Cedar Adams. They roasted marshmallows over campfires, tried to catch fish barehanded, and played make-believe, running through the trees as if an attacker were pursuing them.

But Levi couldn’t outrun his demons. There was a history of addiction on Denise’s side of the family, and Levi seemed to have inherited a predisposition to substance abuse. At Cook County High School, he played football, ran track, and drank. Brad Wilson, a carpenter in Grand Marais who was a few years behind him in school, recalled Levi getting caught with liquor bottles in his locker and running from the cops.

Levi’s parents sent him to finish school in Duluth, but he was cited twice within two months for underage drinking. The first time was at Duluth East High School. On the morning of May 29, 2014, when a resource officer tried to restrain him, an inebriated Levi pulled away. The officer wrestled Levi to the ground, but he pushed himself up and army-crawled—with the officer on top of him—down the hallway, until he wore himself out. Levi spent two days in jail and was charged with disorderly conduct and obstructing the legal process with force. “I didn’t know it made the charges worse if you resisted arrest,” he later told Cedar Adams.

Not long after, a law enforcement officer stopped Levi as he walked along the shoulder of Interstate 35. The officer smelled booze on his breath, and Levi admitted that he’d been drinking. The officer cited him and let him go after Levi dumped out a container of alcohol he was carrying.

Three days later, Levi was given a year of probation for his disorderly conduct at Duluth East. (The obstruction charge was dropped.) A judge also ordered him to obtain a chemical-dependency assessment and follow any recommendations. Levi satisfied the terms of his probation, including a stint in treatment.

By 2015, Levi had started dating Anna Ross, who was from Duluth. Their daughter was born on June 17, 2016. Anna had just turned 19; Levi was 20. At first they didn’t live together—Anna stayed in Duluth, while Levi lived with his parents in Hovland. He adored his daughter and beamed when she was in his arms.

Despite the new light in his life, Levi remained burdened at times by darkness. About a year after his daughter’s birth, on the Sunday evening of Memorial Day weekend, Levi got drunk, taped a vacuum hose to the exhaust pipe of his car, ran the other end through the back window, and started the engine. When he texted Anna about what he’d done, she called the sheriff’s department. While she was on the phone with them, Levi called her, and she talked him into turning off the car. Deputies arrived at his home and transported Levi to the hospital. It appears that he received some psychiatric treatment after the incident; a year later he indicated in a court document that he’d been a patient in a mental hospital and had seen a psychiatrist.

Despite his troubles, Levi was by all accounts goofy and lovable. Christina Conroy, a friend who worked with Levi briefly at the Holiday station, described him as “a beautiful soul.” Cedar Adams said, “He’s the best person you’ll ever meet. He’s joyful.” Michael Farnum, another friend, told me, “Levi is very kind and caring. He’d give you the shirt off his back.” His mother, Denise, described Levi as “a sweet, thoughtful boy.” (Levi’s family otherwise declined to talk to me.)

People who knew him casually from encounters at Holiday or Grand Marais’s Whole Foods Co-op, where he also briefly worked, described Levi as personable and a hard worker. Pat Eliasen, the Cook County sheriff and a former assistant coach for the varsity football team at the local high school, coached Levi, who played nose tackle and offensive guard. “You’d tell Levi to do a technique or something and he would just go do it,” Eliasen told me. “You couldn’t find a better football player than that.”

A photo posted on Facebook in 2023 shows Levi with his daughter climbing on his shoulders. According to friends, she was his everything. He was often her primary caregiver while Anna completed a social work degree and later held down two jobs. In the winter, Levi built his daughter snow forts that were so solid he could light a campfire inside. He and his daughter cooked together, drew pictures, and took walks. “She’s his life,” Adams told me.

Levi could not bear the thought of anything bad happening to his little girl. Like any parent, he was on the lookout for any threat to his child. At some point, his attention came to rest squarely on Larry Scully.

Levi and Anna got married in late 2018, but they filed for divorce less than two years later, signing legal paperwork that said “the marriage cannot be saved” due to “an irretrievable breakdown of our marriage relationship.” Levi’s mental health no doubt played at least some role in this.

The following winter, Levi staged a one-man protest urging a boycott of the Whole Foods Co-op, where he’d recently been employed. He’d earned $14 an hour stocking produce and ringing up groceries, but he didn’t think it was enough to provide for his daughter. Her day care alone cost $760 a month. After wrangling with the store’s management over a personal tip jar he propped up at the register, Levi lost his job. Soon after that, he set up a table and chair outside the store’s entrance along with a sign demanding that the co-op pay living wages.

Levi sat alone in the bitter cold for days—some locals remember it as weeks. He collected a few donations that he split with other co-op employees, but on the whole his campaign garnered scant sympathy. For a lot of people, it was a sign that something might not be quite right with Levi. “That was an indicator to me that perhaps he was struggling with his mental health,” his friend Christina Conroy told me.

After that, to make ends meet, Levi did odd jobs: clearing snow from roofs, picking weeds, cutting down trees, cleaning apartments, building shelves. By the end of 2022, he and Anna had reconciled enough that they agreed to live together for their daughter’s sake. They shared a split-level home on the edge of Grand Marais, and their property backed up against the woods behind Larry’s house. That meant Levi was now neighbors with the man who, over the previous five years, he’d come to consider his worst nightmare.

According to friends, Levi generally kept his fears about Larry to himself following the outburst at Trinity Lutheran. He didn’t bring up Larry in casual conversation, though it seemed that Larry was on his mind. He once posted a meme on Facebook depicting a person holding a gun, with a caption that read, “Only cure for pedophiles. A bullet.” In a comment below the image, Levi wrote, “People always ask me why I hate pedophiles. They assume I’ve been abused. But really I think being protective is just an Axtell trait.”

His friend Amber Waldrop knew that trait well. She’d met Levi in an outpatient treatment program for addiction, and she found that despite his personal struggles—or maybe because of them—he looked out for other people. Once, they were walking on the lakeshore together and stumbled upon a hornets’ nest. Waldrop thought that she’d been stung and panicked because she was allergic and didn’t have an EpiPen with her. Levi rushed her home in his car. In another instance, when Waldrop was in a dark place, Levi talked her through it. “He has a really big heart,” Waldrop told me.

Many people in Grand Marais knew that Levi had issues and that he could be aggressive when he was drunk. But those close to him didn’t imagine that he would commit brutal violence against another person. On March 8, 2023, Brad Wilson, the carpenter who lived next to Larry Scully, learned that they were wrong.

As the light drained from the sky that afternoon, Wilson was in his garage putting away some tools when he heard a loud crash, like the sound of a car accident. It came from Larry’s driveway. Wilson raced over and saw that Levi had slammed his white Dodge Caravan into Larry’s car. Levi had then jumped out of the van, grabbed a garden shovel from the deck, and barged inside the house. Wilson arrived on the scene in time to hear Larry’s screams.

Wilson stopped short of going inside. He heard the thud of the shovel hitting something, then hitting it again. “Help! Help!” Larry cried out.

Wilson, who had mowed Larry’s lawn the previous summer without pay and generally felt sorry for the man, wanted to intervene, but he feared for his own safety. From his vantage at the front door, he could tell that Levi was in a drunken rage. And Wilson knew from watching Levi play football when they were in high school that although he was only five foot eight and 185 pounds, he was strong. Wilson also feared that Levi might have a gun.

Wilson went around the back of the house to look through an open window. He saw that Levi had trapped Larry in a corner of the kitchen. Hemmed in by stacks of hoarded junk, 77-year-old Larry had nowhere to go. Wilson saw Levi swing the shovel at Larry, who raised his arms as a frail shield against the blows.

Wilson ducked beneath the window and called the sheriff’s department. He then heard a different kind of smash and what was “almost like gurgling.” Wilson said, “It sounded like he was choking on his own blood.” The screaming stopped; Wilson knew that Larry was dead.

Levi bolted out of the house, got into his van, and peeled away. But he wasn’t fleeing. Instead, spattered with his victim’s blood, he drove four blocks to the sheriff’s department, walked inside, and announced that he had just killed Larry Scully. He confessed that he had hit Larry between 15 and 20 times with a shovel, then “finished him off” with a large moose antler.

According to a report from the court-appointed psychologist who evaluated him, Levi considered himself a hero for killing Larry: “[He] believes that others are likely ‘relieved this was taken care of.’”

At Levi’s arraignment, Cook County attorney Molly Hicken successfully argued that bail should be set at $1 million. She told Judge Cuzzo, who was again presiding, “This was a brutal attack without provocation on an elderly man.” People close to Larry thought the attack was provoked—by his brothers Patrick and Jon. “They basically got the whole town against him,” his son Paul told me. “They created the environment where my father could be lynched.”

It was a sentiment that Larry himself had voiced at the hearing three years prior, when Patrick sought a restraining order. “He’s talked to other people and had Levi Axtell say I was trying to groom his daughter,” Larry said. “This shows the vindictiveness of my brother Patrick. He’s trying to establish that I’m a predator.”

According to a report from Mischelle Vietanen, the court-appointed psychologist who evaluated him, Levi considered himself a hero for killing Larry. “[He] believes that others are likely ‘relieved this was taken care of,’ ” Vietanen wrote. She determined that Levi was “impacted by hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia,” and that he was “unable or unwilling to take responsibility for making decisions to interrupt a repeat of impulsive, harmful behaviors.”

Based on Vietanen’s recommendation, Cuzzo found Levi incompetent to stand trial and suspended the criminal charges against him. Should he regain competency, prosecutors could proceed with trying him for second-degree murder.

In a separate and parallel proceeding before a different judge, the Cook County Public Health and Human Services Department pursued a civil commitment of Levi on the grounds—supported by Vietanen’s report—that he was mentally ill and dangerous as well as chemically dependent. At a hearing held via Zoom on June 23, 2023, Levi sat at a table inside the Lake County jail in Two Harbors, 80 miles down Highway 61 from Grand Marais. He wore a black-and-white-striped uniform. He picked at his hands while answering a series of questions, agreeing that he met the criteria for civil commitment. He appeared docile, almost childlike. The judge, David M. Johnson, ordered that Levi be committed, “for an initial period not to exceed 90 days,” to a secure treatment facility.

Levi would remain in the Two Harbors jail for nearly a year, waiting for a bed to open up at a psychiatric facility. When I spoke to him briefly on the phone in late September 2023, he couldn’t discuss the particulars of his case, but he told me a story about a time when he was working at the Holiday gas station and a customer—a man who drove a snowplow for the city—reached across the counter and slapped him in the face. Levi said that he reported the incident to the sheriff’s department, but “they were saying since he didn’t slap me very hard, I shouldn’t have called about it. I was feeling like the cops didn’t care about anything that happened.”

Levi told me that he didn’t know Larry was arrested for trespassing at the gas station, or that the arrest had led to his civil commitment. It seemed as though Levi mostly felt that law enforcement had failed to find a permanent solution—meaning a way to keep Larry away from his daughter and other kids forever.

While he awaited transfer, Levi was able to see visitors, including his daughter. He passed the time drawing pictures that he intended for his daughter and others to color. He sent them to his sister Katrina, dozens every week, and she posted the pictures on Facebook with the invitation, “Please consider mailing him your colored version of his artwork, a letter, photos, and/or a piece of art of your own creation.”

Levi also sent drawings to his friends. One of them went to Amber Waldrop. It depicted a bird’s wings spread wide. “To my dear friend Amber,” Levi wrote. “Remember to … celebrate every victory. To not give up … To leave the past behind … And on your darkest days I hope you learn to dance in the rain.”

When Waldrop showed the drawing to me, she said, “It’s almost like he’s giving himself advice.”

It didn’t take long for a substantial cohort of people in Grand Marais to elevate Levi to the status of folk hero. In their view, what he did was in service of the greater good. Brandy Aldrighetti, a sexual-abuse survivor who lived near Larry, told the Star Tribune, “To me, Levi is like St. George who slayed the dragon—he killed a monster.” Kelsey Valento, a Grand Marais resident and mother, posted an article about the murder on her Facebook page with a comment addressing Levi directly: “I stand by you for removing a horrible nasty pedophile from this community.”

Within days of the crime, his sister Katrina had started a crowdfunding campaign, “to ease the financial burden of the family.” As of this writing, it had raised more than $7,000. When Katrina saw that Amber Lovaasen, Larry’s niece, had posted on Facebook that she and her family had nothing against Levi, she reached out. Soon Lovaasen had designed T-shirts featuring the words, “Our Connection Is Our Strength. Two Families. One Goal. Stop Childhood Sexual Abuse.” She told me that “my family and Levi’s family are coming together pretty much as one family now.”

She does not speak for Larry’s three sons. “I feel sorry for this poor Levi guy,” Paul told me. “He’s obviously got mental issues. I just hope my father gets some justice, that his name is cleared, and he can be seen as the kind, gentle, loving person he was.” Paul and his brothers also hoped to inherit Larry’s house, but a district court judge ruled in March 2024 that a photocopy of their grandmother’s will appointing Larry the sole inheritor of the property was not valid. That placed the home in the possession of Larry’s seven siblings.

His siblings had mixed reactions to Larry’s death. His sister Beth told me that she was worried when she heard the news. “I wanted to make sure that none of my siblings had done anything,” she said. “When I realized that everybody I loved was OK and they all had alibis and it was not them, then I felt relief, kind of lighter and bouncier.” His sister Jane said, “Nobody has the right take anybody else’s life, but when Larry was beating me up and doing things to me as a kid, I wish I would have had access to something to kill him.” Patrick told me that he feels Larry’s death was preventable, if the court system had only listened to him and his siblings. “The sad thing is we tried to warn authorities something like this was going to happen,” he said. “We were afraid some kid’s dad would go over and kill him when they found out about him.”

Within a week of the murder, someone created an online petition asking people to sign “if you agree that Levi Axtell should not be charged with any crimes and immediately be released from jail.” As of mid-May 2024, it had drawn nearly 900 signatures. The petition asks people to “stand by this father, who tried to seek relief via the justice system which failed him.” People who signed the petition noted various reasons for doing so: “I would’ve done exactly what he did if the court system failed me” (Dmitri Birmingham); “Anyone with children understands how this man felt and why he acted” (Joan Folmer); “The world is better off without a child molester!” (Grace Koopman).

Paisley Howard-Larsen, a local mother, told me that she believes Levi did the community a service by killing Larry. “I think this should have been done a long time ago, and I feel bad that it had to be Levi doing it,” she said. “I don’t even see Larry as a human. I think he’s just a monster. It makes me really sad that Levi is going to do any sort of time, whether it’s in a prison or a mental institution. I don’t think that’s right. I think he should have got off free.”

“Even though he actually murdered somebody?” I asked.

“Yeah. I think he did the right thing.”

Others in town, while not condoning murder, nevertheless welcomed the news of Larry’s death. One mother of four young children said, “What Levi did wasn’t justified, but that’s not to say I’m not thankful for it.” Others felt that Levi had been treated unfairly by the state. “Levi tried to go the legal route, he tried to do what he was supposed to do,” his longtime friend Cedar Adams said, citing Levi’s effort to get a protective order against Larry. “They say, ‘Don’t corner a wild animal, because if you do it will attack.’ I feel he felt he was backed into a corner and had no other choice. I feel he’s a victim more than anything.”

Adams’s boyfriend, Nick Swenson, who works at Buck’s Hardware, never met Larry but had heard rumors about him. “You can’t go around killing people,” Swenson told me, “but Levi couldn’t have picked a better person.”


There’s another side to public opinion, and its defining feature is dismay. The Cook County News Herald published a letter from Jim Boyd, a Grand Marais resident and retired newspaper editor, that argued against vigilante justice. “Scully had not been arrested, charged, jailed, tried, or convicted of any recent crime,” Boyd wrote, referring to the fact that no one had come forward to accuse Larry of abuse since 1979. “You can’t go around killing people just because they are horrible. (The dead would be stacked up like cord wood.)” Similarly, on Facebook threads about the case that mostly lionize Levi and disparage pedophiles, an occasional voice of dissent pops up. For example: “You can’t just murder people because you ‘think’ they might do something” (Penelope Orl). And: “Child molestation is horrible and wrong. Murdering someone by butchery is also wrong” (Don Croker).

For Larry’s friends and sons, much of the discourse about his death is chilling. “He did not deserve to die the way he did,” Carol told me. “I hate the way Levi’s family and Pat and Jon are going after Larry as a monster, and Levi’s a hero.” She conveyed that the main reason she didn’t want her real name used in this story was that she feared repercussions from Larry’s brothers.

She wasn’t the only person to request anonymity. People on both sides of the Levi–Larry divide told me that they were concerned about their reputations. Two sources said the situation is so polarizing that having their names attached to their opinions might hurt their businesses.

On March 7, 2024, Levi was finally moved to the Forensic Mental Health Program, a locked facility in St. Peter, Minnesota. Where his life goes from here, and how the dust of his crime will settle in Grand Marais, is an open question. During my visit to Grand Marais last August, I spent the better part of an hour talking to Amber Waldrop and her father, Dennis, a thoughtful man with a thick gray beard. We met in a building downtown overlooking Lake Superior’s seemingly infinite horizon. When it came to this story, the Waldrops saw no happy ending in sight.

“It’s just a series of people being hurt: Larry’s family, Levi’s ex-wife and daughter, Levi’s parents,” Dennis told me. “There are a lot of victims here. And being in a small town, there’s a conflict going on with what happened and what should’ve happened. It’s a tough line to walk. This is sensational news to the rest of the world, but we’re living it.”


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The Last Shall Be First

The Devil Went Down to Georgia

The Devil
Went Down
to Georgia

For years, a mysterious figure preyed on gay men in Atlanta. People on the streets called him the Handcuff Man—but the police knew his real name.

By Hallie Lieberman

The Atavist Magazine, No. 149


Hallie Lieberman is a sex historian and journalist. She is the author of Buzz: A Stimulating History of the Sex Toy, and currently at work on a book about gigolos. Her writing has appeared in BuzzFeed News, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Vice, and other publications. Her first story for The Atavist Magazine, “The Trigger Effect” (issue no. 82), was a finalist for the 2019 Dart Award for Excellence in Coverage of Trauma.

Editor: Seyward Darby
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Kyla Jones

Published in March 2024.


 “Stay away from him.”

In May 1991, Michael Jordan visited Atlanta, Georgia, to revel in the city’s social scene. Jordan, who was 21 and lived in Florida, came on vacation and ended up in a neighborhood called Midtown. If the Deep South had a gay mecca, Midtown was it. The bars there were legendary; among the busiest were the Phoenix, a brick-walled dive, and the Gallus, a sprawling three-floor property transformed from a private home into a piano bar, restaurant, and hustler haunt. Piedmont Park, situated in Midtown’s northeast, was a popular cruising spot, thanks to the privacy offered by its dense vegetation. Cars lined up in droves there, bearing license plates from as far away as California and Michigan. Local residents complained about the traffic, and arborists put up fences to “protect” the trees. A cop once told a reporter that the park was “so busy” with gay men, “you’d think they were having a drive-in movie.”

Note: This story contains graphic descriptions of sexual violence.

But Midtown’s freedoms and pleasures had limits. Sodomy was illegal in Georgia, and cops routinely detained gay men, sometimes by going undercover and posing as hustlers. “One of the television stations would scroll the names of all the people who had been arrested for soliciting sodomy,” recalled Cliff Bostock, a longtime journalist in Atlanta. The HIV/AIDS crisis was approaching its zenith, and testing positive was a near certain death sentence that some Americans, especially in the South, believed gay men deserved. Prominent Atlanta preacher Charles Stanley had made national headlines in 1986 when he declared that the epidemic was a way of “God indicating his displeasure” with homosexuality.

On the evening of May 12, his first day in the city, Jordan was milling around Midtown when he was approached by a man in a white Lincoln Town Car who asked if he wanted to make some money. “What do I have to do?” Jordan replied. The man said he was conducting a study and would pay Jordan $50 to drink vodka. “I’m going to watch as you become more and more inebriated, and I’ll take notes,” the man said. Jordan jumped at the chance to earn some easy cash and agreed to meet the man at the corner of Fifth and Juniper Streets.

Jordan was already there when the man arrived. The man motioned for Jordan to get into his car, handed him a fifth of vodka, and told him to drink it fast. Jordan downed about half the bottle, at which point the man left the car for a few minutes to get something to mix the alcohol with. When he came back, the man asked Jordan to get hard because he wanted to see him masturbate. Jordan said he was too drunk to get hard quickly. Then he drank more and blacked out.

Early the next morning, a man named David Atkins found someone curled up in the fetal position on the ground of the parking lot behind the Ponce de Leon Hotel, where Atkins worked as a clerk. “At first I thought he was 30 to 35 and very dirty. I nudged him with my foot, told him to wake up,” Atkins told Southern Voice, a gay newspaper in Atlanta. “Then I realized it was blisters all over his body and he was just a kid.”

The person on the ground was Jordan. He was naked, and his genitals had been wrapped in a rubber band and set on fire. Burns extended to his buttocks and legs, and his nose and mouth were filled with blood.

Atkins called 911, and Jordan was rushed in an ambulance to the hospital, where he would remain for a month. When the police were slow to respond to the scene, Atkins reached out to Cathy Woolard, a gay-rights advocate working with Georgia’s chapter of the ACLU. Woolard sprang into action and contacted the police investigator assigned to the case. In her words, she got “nothing but runaround.” Because of the victim’s profile, the police had designated the attack a bias crime. For the same reason, Woolard sensed, they weren’t taking the incident seriously.  

Woolard urged law enforcement to talk to a potential witness: Bill Adamson, a bartender at the Phoenix. Adamson said that Jordan had come into the bar before going to Fifth and Juniper and had described his conversation with the stranger in the Town Car. Adamson issued a warning: “Stay away from him. He’s dangerous.”

Adamson didn’t know the driver’s name, only that people around Midtown called him the Handcuff Man. He was a serial predator who approached gay men, offered to pay them to drink liquor, then beat or burned them and left them for dead. Sometimes he handcuffed his victims to poles—hence his sinister nickname.

There were men who said they’d narrowly escaped the Handcuff Man, and rumors that some of his victims hadn’t survived. But there were also people who thought that he was nothing more than an urban legend. Jordan’s assault would bring the truth to light: Not only did the Handcuff Man exist, but there were people in Atlanta who knew his name, including members of the police force. He hadn’t been caught because, it seemed, no one was trying in earnest to catch him.

That was about to change.

 “I’m going to sue you.”

No one could be certain when the Handcuff Man had staged his first attack. Adamson claimed that he’d been terrorizing Midtown since the late 1960s, that he drove a white Lincoln, was about five foot ten, and had black hair and glasses. A sex worker said that the Handcuff Man had picked him up in Piedmont Park in 1977, asked him to take shots of liquor, then assaulted him. The victim managed to flee with a stab wound to the shoulder, and later saw the man again at the park eyeing other male hustlers. He didn’t report the crime because he was afraid of being outed to loved ones.

In 1984, Susan Faludi, then a twentysomething reporter a few years out from becoming a Pulitzer Prize–winning author, wrote a front-page story about gay hustlers for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. She asked her sources about the dangers of their lifestyle and learned that “the greatest fear on the street right now is invoked by the specter of ‘The Handcuff Man,’ a man who reportedly picks up hustlers, offers them a pint of vodka spiked with sleeping pills and then handcuffs and beats them.”

The following year, in April 1985, a thin man rolled down his car window on Ponce de Leon Avenue and asked Max Shrader if he wanted to make some money. Shrader, 21, had been hustling since he was 13, turning tricks for out and closeted men alike, including a married Baptist preacher. He knew that what he did was dangerous; someone had pulled a gun on him, and a female sex worker who was his friend had been killed. “They found her head in one dumpster, her arms in another,” Shrader said. “She was a nice person.” Shrader knew about the Handcuff Man, who had attacked another of his friends. But the man in the car on Ponce, as the thoroughfare is commonly known, didn’t come off like a predator. He wore glasses and a pressed shirt; he seemed normal.

The man asked Shrader to drink some alcohol with him, and Shrader obliged. But after a little while he started to feel funny. Had the man slipped him something? Shrader collapsed to the ground. “Don’t hurt me!” he begged, as the man pulled him into his car.

The man drove to a wooded area, parked, and dragged an intoxicated Shrader into a patch of kudzu. He then poured a liquid onto Shrader’s groin and lit a match, illuminating his face in a ghoulish way Shrader would never forget. When the man dropped the match, Shrader caught fire.

Shrader lay in the woods for hours, drifting in and out of consciousness. He cried out for help when he had the energy. Around 9:30 p.m., a man who happened to be a nurse was driving home with his girlfriend when he spotted a naked figure on the side of the road. The nurse stopped, saw Shrader’s condition, and rushed home to call the police and to get some blankets to wrap Shrader in. “I guess God sent him,” Shrader said.

Shrader was taken to Grady Memorial Hospital, the same place Michael Jordan would go six years later. He stayed there six weeks, during which the police came to see him once. They left a business card and said to call if he wanted to talk. He misplaced the card and never heard from the cops again.

Shrader wasn’t surprised. Atlanta cops seemed more interested in harassing and arresting gay men than in protecting them. Sometimes they wrote down the numbers on license plates in Piedmont Park and blackmailed drivers terrified of having their sexual orientation exposed—it could cost them their families, their jobs, possibly their lives. Incidents of gay bashing often went unsolved, if they were investigated at all. Etcetera, a gay and lesbian magazine in Atlanta, reported that between 1984 and 1986, at least 18 gay men died at the hands of unidentified perpetrators. The publication noted with frustration that police had “little understanding” of homophobic crimes. The Atlanta Gay Center began offering sensitivity training for cops, but feedback was mixed. “I think what you told us will be helpful in the longrun and should be expressed more often in police work,” one participant wrote in an evaluation of the training, “but I still think gays are disgusting and a disgrace to our country.” George Napper, Atlanta’s public safety commissioner, refused to make a statement condemning crimes against the gay community because it might be construed as favoritism.

After healing for two years, Shrader went back to hustling, scars and all. He’d grown up poor, and selling sex was one of the only ways he’d ever made money. At least now he knew what the Handcuff Man looked like and could steer clear of him.

J.D. Kirkland suspected that he’d seen the Handcuff Man’s face, too. Kirkland, an Atlanta cop, worked security a few nights a week at the Gallus. According to Don Hunnewell, one of the owners of the Gallus, Kirkland was a combination of Dirty Harry and the sheriff from Gunsmoke—a “kick-ass, cowboy type of tough cop.” In his free time, he trained horses on a large piece of property outside the city and worked on a novel about a time-traveling cop. Kirkland was married with kids; he wasn’t gay, but he was compassionate toward the Gallus’s clientele. “He really cared,” Hunnewell said. “I don’t think he was judgmental at all on what they were doing.” (Kirkland died in 1996.)

Patrons had told Kirkland about the Handcuff Man, including what he looked like, and on November 4, 1983, a man came into the Gallus who matched the description. Kirkland wrote a trespass notice, then snapped a polaroid of the man. The Gallus had a “barred book” filled with photos of people who weren’t allowed on the premises; bartenders were supposed to check it at the start of their shifts so they could eject any banned patrons. Kirkland put the man’s photo in the book.

Before kicking him out for good, Kirkland asked for his name. The man said he was Robert Lee Bennett Jr. “I’m an attorney,” he added, “and I’m going to sue you.”

 “What have you done?”

Robert Lee Bennett Jr. was indeed an attorney, like his father before him. He had been adopted as a baby by Annabelle Maxwell Bennett and Robert Lee Bennett Sr., of Towanda, Pennsylvania, a small town perched on the Susquehanna River. Annabelle was a socialite and the daughter of a wealthy judge; in addition to practicing law, Robert Sr. was the president of a bank.

Robert Sr. was originally from the South but moved to Towanda for his bride. They lived with their son, their only child, in a Victorian mansion nicknamed Nirvana. It had five bedrooms, a white marble fireplace, and a pool house; a Steinway grand piano, Tiffany sterling silver, and plush oriental rugs. The local paper chronicled the family’s every move: vacations to Africa, charity dinners. They were the Kennedys of Towanda.

Ellie Harden Smith, who knew Bennett in high school, said that he was charming, fashionable, and quirky. Most of his friends were girls, and he liked to cross-stitch and garden. He was devoted to his mother. As far as Smith knew, he was never bullied or mocked for his feminine tendencies. Bennett sang in the glee club in high school, was active in the Boy Scouts, and worked at the student newspaper.

After graduating high school in 1965, he moved to Colorado to attend the University of Denver. Smith visited him there, and he took her out to gay bars. “I guess I sort of knew, but that was the first I realized that he was really into that stuff,” she said.

Bennett’s first run-in with the law appears to have happened in 1971, when he was arrested in Virginia for indecent exposure during a homosexual act. At the time, he was pursuing a master’s degree in political science. According to legal documents, he was arrested two years later, this time in Atlanta, for assault with an automobile. A year on, soon after graduating from law school at Emory University, he was arrested again. It happened in Midtown, when he was cruising near the Gallus. Bennett tried to pull a man into his car—a man who happened to be an undercover cop. Bennett was charged with kidnapping a police officer, but he ended up pleading no contest to simple battery and paying a $75 fine.

Once he’d finished his law degree, Bennett moved back to Towanda, where he lived a double life. By day he worked at a law firm and claimed to be looking for a wife; in his free time, he paid poor local boys to take their clothes off and drink or have sex with him. Eventually, he quit the firm and bought a plant and flower business called the Tree Stump.

On April 16, 1976, Bennett met a young man at Leonard’s, a beer garden in Towanda, and suggested that they go to a lake cottage his parents had bought him as a gift. The men had sex in Bennett’s car, then drove to the cottage. According to Francis Panuccio, a police captain quoted in a local newspaper, “something occurred that frightened” the young man, who fled the cottage in Bennett’s car and drove it into an embankment. When police arrived at the scene, they arrested the young man, but Bennett deflected scrutiny thanks to Robert Sr. “Nobody wanted to press charges against him because of the influence of his father,” a retired state police investigator later told the press. “His father was gold.”

Still, Robert Sr. feared that his son would keep getting into more trouble if he remained in Towanda. Two months after the incident at the lake, Bennett moved back to Atlanta. He was 29.

Bennett was hired by a law firm, which is where he met Sandra Powell, 34, a secretary and bookkeeper. She was small and demure, a junior-college graduate who wore her dark hair in bangs. They started dating, and Bennett told Powell that he was impotent. She said it didn’t bother her; they talked about adopting a child. In 1978, on a trip to the lake cottage in Towanda, Bennett proposed and Powell said yes. They were married at Rock Springs Presbyterian Church in Atlanta. Powell wore an ivory gown decorated with pearls and lace, and carried a bouquet of burgundy roses. Bennett wore a tuxedo with a white bow tie. They honeymooned in South America.

His hometown friends were surprised that Bennett got married. Irma Henson, who had known him since his early twenties, said that he likely did it for his parents, especially his mother, with whom he was still close. “He probably gathered from his mother that who he was wasn’t fitting her picture of who he should be,” Henson said.

Shortly after the wedding, Bennett quit the law firm. He worked for a while behind the jewelry counter at Davison’s department store, but mostly he lived off dividends from stocks his father had gifted him. “He would just hang around the house all day, and he would be in his robe when I got home,” Powell later said in court. She was unhappy, but “kept it inside.”

Then one day in the fall of 1982, Powell was getting off the bus she rode home from work when she saw police placing her husband in handcuffs. “What is it?” she asked. “What have you done?”

Over Labor Day weekend, James Lee Johnson, 24, had been found shot to death with a .25-caliber pistol in the middle of the street close to his apartment. His wallet was missing. Police learned that Johnson may have been a sex worker, and that he’d last been seen with a man who looked like Bennett. According to friends, Johnson was in a relationship with a man named Robert whom he’d met at the jewelry store where Bennett once worked. A few weeks before his death, Johnson had expressed fear of this man, telling friends, “Robert’s gonna get me.” When investigators examined the contents of Johnson’s stomach during his autopsy, they found roast beef and potatoes. They searched Bennett’s home and, discovering those items in his refrigerator, arrested him for murder.

Bennett was released on a $25,000 bond and was never tried, because the prosecution’s case was entirely circumstantial. His arrest marked the end of his marriage—Powell soon filed for divorce—but not of his comfortable lifestyle. When he wasn’t in Atlanta, Bennett spent time in Clearwater, Florida, where his mother, widowed in the mid-1980s, kept a home. He vacationed in Nassau, Mexico, and China. He hosted lavish parties, and when he and his mother attended an annual lobster boil at a club in Towanda, an otherwise casual affair, he made sure their table was set with linens, porcelain plates, and a silver candelabra.

Meanwhile, in Midtown, the Handcuff Man’s reputation was mounting. Max Shrader was attacked in the spring of 1985. That August, a man named Charles Gallows was assaulted and robbed. The following June, Anthony Charles Poppilia got in the car of a man who offered to pay him $50 to drink vodka, then pushed Poppilia from the moving vehicle. The stories continued until May 1991, when Michael Jordan turned up maimed behind the Ponce de Leon Hotel. Midtown denizens would later report that, in the hours leading up to Jordan’s assault, the Handcuff Man had approached at least one other man in the area.

“A sadistic Woody Allen lookalike.”

When word of Jordan’s assault reached Richard Greer, he immediately thought of the Handcuff Man. Greer, 32, worked the 5 p.m. to 1 a.m. cop beat at the Journal-Constitution. A few months prior, he’d overheard a Midtown patrol officer casually mention the Handcuff Man to some colleagues. Greer asked around and gleaned that a lot of cops thought the attacker might be “folklore.” Jordan’s assault seemed to be confirmation that he was not.

Greer went to gay bars in Midtown to speak with employees and customers. He heard a rumor that the Handcuff Man had either removed the door handles inside his car or covered them with duct tape to trap his victims. People were upset that authorities seemed to be doing nothing to stop the violence. “The victims were people that most people either wanted to ignore or didn’t know existed,” Greer said.

Greer left his business card with patrons of the Gallus and told them to get in touch if they ever saw the person they believed to be the Handcuff Man. “I started getting calls at one in the morning saying ‘He just drove by’ or ‘He’s on the corner of X street and X street,’ ” Greer said. If he thought the information was reliable, Greer would jump in his car and drive to Midtown, but by the time he arrived, the suspect was always long gone.

Then Greer was given a name: Robert Bennett Jr. But the tip didn’t come from a hustler or a bartender—it came from a cop. Greer was surprised. In his experience, it was unusual for a cop to be so candid. More importantly, if people on the force believed that they knew who the Handcuff Man was, why hadn’t Bennett been investigated and arrested?

Greer spoke with Kirkland, the cop who moonlighted at the Gallus, and Kirkland said that he was never able to do anything about Bennett except ban him from the bar back in 1983, because it was difficult to persuade survivors and witnesses of the Handcuff Man’s attacks to come forward. But if that were true, law enforcement bore at least some responsibility for people’s reluctance: Victims of homophobic crimes in Atlanta feared that if they spoke to the police, they might be blackmailed or arrested, or simply not believed. “The police say if you don’t report the crime, we can’t do anything about it,” Bill Gripp, an activist with the Atlanta Gay Center, told Greer. “We say if we don’t have confidence in them, we won’t report it.”

On May 28, two weeks after Jordan was assaulted, Greer published a front-page story about the Handcuff Man. “Gay prostitutes in fear of sadist,” the headline read. Greer wrote that the Handcuff Man may have attacked up to 100 men during his “reign of terror,” and that gay Atlantans were “angered” that the police were “indifferent” to his crimes. Greer quoted Kirkland, who said that it was possible the Handcuff Man was responsible for several unsolved murders.

Greer characterized the Handcuff Man as “a sadistic Woody Allen lookalike … scrawny and peering with eyeglasses through his car window.” He wrote that Kirkland believed the predator was a “DeKalb County professional.” But Greer didn’t name Bennett. He couldn’t. Doing so would have risked a defamation suit against the newspaper; Bennett hadn’t been arrested or charged with a crime, and he was a wealthy lawyer with his own wealthy lawyer on call. To finger Bennett, Greer needed to keep digging.

Greer began combing through public records and police files. He read documents pertaining to Bennett’s prior arrests. He learned that Bennett had briefly been a suspect in one of Atlanta’s most high-profile crime sprees: From 1979 to 1981, a serial killer murdered 30 people in the city, most of whom were young boys. As pressure mounted to find the perpetrator, the FBI arrived to help. Based on various records, law enforcement came up with a list of 65 suspects. Bennet was among them, perhaps because of his previous arrests. He was also a known fixture in Midtown, and the FBI thought that the killer might be gay. Agents were assigned to surveil “homosexual bars and areas frequented by male prostitutes,” and to pursue the “development of informants with knowledge of child prostitution,” according to a February 1981 memo. Bennett was eliminated as a suspect after three months. (In late 1981, a man named Wayne Williams was arrested in connection with the slayings. He was convicted of two of the murders and is presumed to have committed the others.)

Greer also found the transcripts from Bennett’s contentious divorce proceedings in 1984. Astoundingly, the Handcuff Man was mentioned. Powell’s counsel called three male sex workers to the stand, all of whom testified that they believed Bennett to be the Handcuff Man. Frank Sheridan, a local gay-rights advocate who liaised with the police, testified that he had been “working with the street prostitute community … to build up information on this gentleman regarding his sexual habits and picking up of young men from the street.” Powell herself claimed that her estranged husband was “violent” and a homosexual.

Bennett denied being gay, then admitted that he was. However, he was adamant that he wasn’t the Handcuff Man. Attorney Guy Notte, who represented Bennett, chastised the authorities for not identifying the real threat. “The Handcuff Man is still down there somewhere,” Notte said. “Could you please tell me why this man hasn’t been caught?” The court ended up ordering Bennett to pay Powell a divorce settlement of $40,000.

On May 29 and 30, 1991, Greer published two additional articles about the Handcuff Man. There were still concerns about naming Bennett, so Greer didn’t. By then Jordan had picked a photo of Bennett out of a lineup. Greer reported that Jordan had identified his attacker, but that police hadn’t issued a warrant for the suspect’s arrest. “I’m sure we will call him,” the chief of the sex-crimes unit told Greer.

Greer grew increasingly worried that Bennett might attack another man soon; naming him seemed like a matter of public safety. There was a heated debate in the newsroom about what to do. One editor told Greer that he hoped never to be an uncharged suspect in Atlanta, lest his name show up in the paper. Another editor, Pam Fine, was on Greer’s side. “Heinous crimes were involved,” Fine later said, “and we recognized that police had waited two decades to actively pursue the case.”

On May 31, Greer published an article naming Bennett as the man Jordan identified as the last person he saw before losing consciousness during his attack. The piece indicated that the police still hadn’t spoken to Bennett, much less detained him. “I would certainly love to interview him,” Bobby Ford, a sex-crimes detective, told Greer. The article went on to state: “For 20 years, police officials and members of the gay community say, a man fitting Mr. Bennett’s description has been involved in cases of brutality against young white male prostitutes. The perpetrator of these crimes has come to be known as the Handcuff Man.”

After the article was published, Greer reached Bennett on the phone at his lake cottage in Towanda, and Bennett denied being the Handcuff Man. “No attorney in his right mind is going to make a comment one way or the other on something the police are investigating,” Bennett continued. “You know as well as I do that that is not an indication of guilt or innocence.” In a separate interview, attorney Guy Notte, who was still representing Bennett, said that his client would be flying down to Atlanta the following week “to defend every allegation.”

 “I literally went nuts.”

Atlanta police didn’t immediately issue a warrant for Bennett’s arrest. “There’s just more work that needs to be done to make this thing stick,” Detective Ford told Greer. But the department did send out a dispatch to law enforcement agencies around the country describing the Handcuff Man’s crimes. When the message arrived in Tampa, Bob Holland, a local police detective, recognized similarities with a case his department had been investigating for a few months.

On February 22, 1991, 35-year-old Gary Clapp was standing outside a Salvation Army shelter, waiting for it to open. Clapp, who hung drywall for a living, was broke and struggling to feed his family; he also had a severe alcohol problem. When a white Town Car pulled up and the driver said that he was conducting a survey on how alcohol affected people’s moods, Clapp hopped into the vehicle. In between chugs of vodka from a plastic cup, Clapp asked the man his name, but he wouldn’t answer. Eventually, Clapp passed out.

Around 10:30 p.m. that night, police officer Jimmy Caplinger was driving on the frontage road along the mangrove-lined Courtney Campbell Causeway, which connects Tampa and Clearwater, when he noticed what he thought was a bonfire. He parked, got out, and saw a person engulfed in flames. It was Clapp. Caplinger grabbed an extinguisher from his car and put out the fire, then called for emergency services. When Clapp arrived at the hospital, his blood-alcohol level was “so high they could not get a reading,” according to a police report. He had fourth-degree burns on nearly half his body and was suffering from smoke inhalation.

Holland went to the hospital to conduct an interview. He wrote in his report that Clapp “was able to answer certain questions by either shaking his head or nodding his head.” Holland discerned that someone had deliberately set Clapp on fire.

Clapp’s injuries were so severe that doctors had to amputate his legs. When he regained consciousness after surgery, he began thrashing around. “I kept pulling out all my IVs,” Clapp told the Tampa Tribune. “I literally went nuts and they had to tie me down in the hospital bed.”

Holland spoke to Clapp’s ex-girlfriend, who said that she’d broken up with him because of his alcoholism. She also said that Clapp had previously been in a “homosexual relationship,” but that it “was an isolated incident.” There were only a few possible clues at the scene of the crime, including a Riva vodka bottle and a container of lighter fluid. Nearby were bags containing decapitated chickens and a headless goat. A dead body had recently turned up just 500 feet from where Clapp was found, which made police wonder if the two crimes were connected.

In early March, Holland interviewed Clapp more extensively. Clapp said that the man who’d attacked him drove a Lincoln Town Car made sometime between 1977 and 1984, with a brown leather interior. He worked with a sketch artist to produce a picture of the suspect, who Clapp said was between 40 and 45 years old, stood a little under six feet tall, and weighed 160 to 170 pounds. Clapp also described the man as having dark hair, a mustache, and glasses. The sketch was published in the Tampa Bay Times on April 9.

Two months later, when Holland saw the dispatch about the Handcuff Man, he quickly picked up the phone and called the Atlanta police. They sent him a photo of Bennett, which Holland then showed to Clapp in a lineup. Clapp, who had only recently been released from a hospital burn unit, identified Bennett as his attacker. Holland pointed out that in his photo Bennett was clean-shaven, and that Clapp had said his attacker had a mustache. Clapp said he was certain that the man in the photo was the one who’d set him on fire. “It’s hard to forget someone that’s done you wrong like that,” he told a reporter.

Authorities in Tampa connected more dots. Bennett’s mother’s home in Clearwater, a seventh-floor condo, wasn’t far from the area where Clapp was found. Bennett had been visiting her in February; in fact, a few days after Clapp’s assault, Bennett and his mother embarked on a Caribbean cruise together. Bennett also owned a Town Car, which he’d recently driven up to Towanda.

It was enough to bring him in. On June 5, Tampa police issued a warrant for Bennett’s arrest. They alerted their counterparts in Atlanta, who were expecting Bennett that very afternoon for questioning about the Handcuff Man attacks in Midtown. Just after 3 p.m., he was taken into custody based on the Tampa warrant.

Speaking to reporters, a shaking Bennett proclaimed his innocence. “I am here to tell the Atlanta police and the city of Atlanta I am not the Handcuff Man,” he said. He later complained that he wasn’t served breakfast in jail, and that he had to wait five hours to get a blanket, pillow, and cigarettes.

 “It struck a bell.”

In Midtown, people were relieved that the Handcuff Man may have been caught, but they were also frustrated that Bennett had only been charged with the attack on Clapp, not the crimes in Atlanta. District Attorney Lewis Slaton assured the public that his office was developing a case against Bennett, but also noted that it would be deferring to Tampa authorities. “Since Florida has asked for him, we’re going to let them have him,” Slaton said. “That case is obviously worse.” But worse by what measure, and for whom? “My life will never be the same,” Jordan told Greer at the Journal-Constitution. Jordan was upset at the way police had handled his ordeal. “It wasn’t until it was in the news that they seemed to care,” he said.

Bennett was extradited to Florida on June 11. He pleaded not guilty and was freed on a $200,000 bond. His mother helped him get the money together by putting up her condo as collateral.

By then, other men had started coming forward to accuse Bennett of attacking them. One of the men was Max Shrader. He’d been sitting at home one day in May when his dad called and told him to turn on the news. “There’s another guy who just got burnt the same way,” his dad said. Shrader saw the report about Jordan and called the police to say that he’d suffered a similar attack six years earlier. They asked him to come to the station, where he was shown a lineup of men’s photos. “That’s him,” Shrader said, pointing at Bennett’s face.

On June 21, an Atlanta grand jury indicted Bennett on two counts of aggravated assault and two counts of aggravated battery for the attacks on Jordan and Shrader. Investigators noted that Bennett was suspected of committing similar crimes going back two decades. Bennett again pleaded not guilty and was released on bond—an additional $100,000.

For Dale Sisco and Chip Purcell, who were prosecuting Bennett in Florida, the Atlanta indictment was good news. Their case against Bennett was proving delicate. Clapp had identified his attacker, but because he’d been drunk when he was set on fire, the defense would almost certainly argue that he was an unreliable witness. The defense would also likely argue that evidence found at the scene—the lighter fluid and vodka bottle—wasn’t necessarily connected to the case. Locals called the area where Clapp was found “the redneck Riviera,” because people liked to grill, drink, and party in the mangroves. “There was no videotape of him doing the act,” Sisco said of Bennett. “We had no photographs of him. There were still many circumstantial aspects of the proof that were going to be challenging.” The prosecutors didn’t even have fingerprints connecting Bennett to Clapp’s attack.

So Sisco and Purcell decided to rely on the Williams Rule, a legal precedent in Florida that allows prosecutors to present evidence from other cases or incidents that indicate a pattern of criminal behavior. They identified a handful of recent instances in which men had endured injuries similar to Clapp’s, hoping to find other witnesses willing to testify against Bennett. For instance, there was an unsolved case from 1989 in Detective Holland’s jurisdiction involving a man who was found unconscious outside a gay bar with his genitals burned. But survivors were wary of telling their stories in court. “We talked to several guys who were not excited about coming to Tampa and testifying to what their sexual activities were,” Purcell said.

The Atlanta indictments expanded the pool of potential witnesses. If the Florida case went to trial, Jordan could testify under the Williams Rule. So could Shrader. The same went for a hustler named Shane, who asked to be identified by his first name in this story. Shane was the man in Atlanta who claimed that the Handcuff Man had tried to pick him up in the hours just before Jordan was attacked.

At the time, Shane was in his mid-thirties; he had a wife and a kid he supported with sex work. When a man in a white Lincoln pulled up one day and asked him to drink vodka for $50, Shane was suspicious. He told the driver that if he wanted to drink, they could go to a bar, but the man insisted they imbibe in the car. Shane declined and went about his night. When he heard about the attack on Jordan, “it struck a bell,” he said. Shane got in touch with the police and later identified Bennett in a photo lineup as the man who’d tried to give him vodka. The experience shook him up. “It put a kibosh on me for a while from hustling,” he said.

As Sisco and Purcell built their case, a shocking news story seized headlines: In July 1991, Jeffrey Dahmer was arrested in Milwaukee and confessed to murdering more than a dozen gay men over the course of 13 years. Some journalists made the connection to the Handcuff Man’s crimes. “As in the case of Jeffrey Dahmer,” Mary T. Schmich wrote in the Chicago Tribune on August 3, “Bennett’s arrest has raised questions about the speed and sensitivity with which police handle crimes involving homosexual activity.” Schmich quoted Cathy Woolard, the activist who months before had asked the Atlanta police to take the threat of the Handcuff Man seriously. “A lot of people don’t care that much if gay people get killed,” Woolard said. “It doesn’t seem to matter that much that someone is savagely burning male hustlers, because they’re not the cream of the crop.”

The article ended with an update on Bennett’s whereabouts. “Bennett, who was released on bond, is spending the summer with his 85-year-old mother in Towanda,” Schmich wrote, “where he reportedly indulges a passion for gardening.”

 “You don’t count.”

To work alongside Guy Notte in the Tampa case, Bennett hired a defense attorney based in Florida. Rochelle Reback had spent the previous decade representing all sorts of clients, but none quite like Bennett. “Usually people involved in crimes of violence don’t have a lot of money,” Reback said in an interview for this story. Bennett was different. “We had an investigator. We had a jury-selection expert. We had a lot of resources that a lot of clients can’t afford,” Reback said.

When Reback visited Bennett’s mother in Clearwater, there were photos of Bennett everywhere. Many of them were from his childhood, when his mother had dressed him to the nines. “One was like Little Lord Fauntleroy looking, with his long, curly hair,” Reback said. Between how his mother viewed him and his wealth, it was clear to Reback that Bennett had led a cosseted life. And now he seemed sure that his privilege would protect him. “He really just felt like this was just one more case that was going to go by the wayside and he would suffer no ongoing consequences,” Reback said.

Bennett’s arrogance grated on her. “He was the most unpleasant client I ever had,” Reback said. When they clashed about strategy, Notte stepped in to smooth things over. He had a long history of appeasing Bennett. “Notte wanted to keep Bob happy because Bob was a wealthy client,” Reback said. Together, Notte and Reback tried to find character witnesses willing to testify on Bennett’s behalf, but according to Reback they found none. (Notte did not respond to a request for comment.)

In October 1991, Clapp was interviewed for a front-page story in the St. Petersburg Times. The picture accompanying the article showed him in his government-funded concrete-block apartment, seated in a wheelchair and cradling a black kitten. “There’s times I forget I don’t have legs and I want to get up and go take a walk, you know?” Clapp said. He told the reporter that he couldn’t stop thinking about Bennett. “Truthfully, I’d like to see the same thing happen to him that happened to me,” Clapp said.

When they spoke to the press, Bennett’s legal team tried to use what Reback called the SODDI defense (“some other dude did it”). Notte told a reporter that Clapp’s assault “smacks of the cult [of] Santeria,” because decapitated animals were found near the crime scene. As for the accusations against Bennett in Atlanta, Notte called them “stupid lies.”

Behind the scenes, however, it was becoming clear that Bennett was likely to lose in court. Sisco and Purcell had obtained a five-minute video, shot by the Tampa fire department, that showed Clapp burning in the mangroves; his cries of pain were audible. The prosecution upgraded the attempted murder charge to include use of a deadly weapon, which meant that, if convicted, Bennett could get a life sentence. This wasn’t an outside possibility: The judge assigned to the case was known for tough rulings.

Bennett’s lawyers persuaded him to take a deal. On February 13, 1992, he appeared in court in Florida to plead guilty; he planned to do the same in Atlanta several days later. At least three of his victims—Clapp, Jordan, and Shrader—were in the courtroom. Shrader wanted to lunge at Bennett as soon as he laid eyes on him. “But I knew if I hit him right there,” Shrader said, “I’d get hell.”

Bennett, who stood with his arms crossed, was sentenced to 17 years in prison followed by 13 years of probation. Under Florida law, he would be eligible for parole in five years. Clapp considered the sentence too light. “I don’t think he’ll ever feel sorry for anything he’s done,” he told the court. “He’s a sick puppy.”

Bennett’s attorneys requested that he be allowed some time to make arrangements for his aging mother’s care. He was told to turn himself in on March 9. “I trust you as a man and as a lawyer,” the judge told Bennett. The prosecution was stunned by the three-week reprieve. “This is clearly one of the most heinous crimes I’ve ever prosecuted,” Purcell told the St. Petersburg Times.

Frustration mounted further when it was announced that Bennett might get a deal that would allow him to serve his sentences in the Florida and Georgia cases concurrently rather than back-to-back. The Journal-Constitution argued in an editorial that this would effectively mean “no prison time” for the crimes he’d committed in Atlanta. “The full force of the legal system should be used to show that such acts will not be tolerated and to prevent them from happening again,” the editorial said. Had Bennett’s victims “been women or straight men … it is hard to believe the Florida sentence and the Fulton plea bargain would even be discussed.” (Atlanta is the seat of Fulton County.)

Gay-rights advocates agreed with the paper. Larry Pellegrini of the ACLU called the deal “horrendous.” Jeff Graham of Atlanta’s chapter of ACT UP told a reporter, “I think that clearly you’ve got a prejudiced judicial system in Atlanta.”

On February 24, Bennett appeared in an Atlanta courtroom for sentencing. It was packed, with cameras everywhere. Shrader was nervous, and when he got nervous he smiled; a lawyer told him to stop smiling.

The plaintiffs’ counsel argued against the plea deal. Jordan’s attorney said that her client “wants this man to serve life.” Shrader’s lawyer said that “this child of affluence has developed into a sadistic sociopath” for whom “the concurrent sentence is not adequate.”

When the judge asked if Bennett wished to say anything, he said no.

“Did you, in fact, pick up those two fellows?” the judge then inquired, referring to Jordan and Shrader.

“I’m pleading guilty to the charge, your honor, on the advice of my counsel,” Bennett said.

“I asked you, did you pick up those two fellows?”

Notte interjected. “Your honor, he would rather not answer that question.”

“I want to hear from him. You don’t want to say so, say you don’t want to say so,” the judge said.

“Yes,” Bennett responded.

Ultimately, the judge ruled in favor of the plea deal. In addition to the concurrent prison sentences, Bennett was banned from Fulton County for life, instructed to see a psychiatrist, and ordered to pay restitution of more than $100,000 to his victims. When asked where the money would come from, Notte said that Bennett would use his mother’s trust fund.

Gay activists who had come to see the sentencing shouted “shame” repeatedly at the judge. In an article for Southern Voice, reporter K.C. Wildmoon wrote that the court sent “a message to the lesbian and gay community, to the hustler community, that these things will happen. It says ‘you don’t count.’ ”

“A danger to society.”

There are lingering questions in the story of the Handcuff Man. Chief among them is how many victims there actually were, and whether any of them died from the attacks. But no further indictments were ever brought against Bennett. “What upsets me the most is how many Max Shraders there are that maybe nobody even knows about,” said Don Hunnewell, the Gallus’s owner. “Maybe nobody even knows they died.” (The Gallus closed in 1993.)

Greer, who now lives in Virginia, wonders what lessons were learned from the whole affair—by the police, the media, and the wider Atlanta community. “The Handcuff Man was the perpetrator, but in a sense we’re all accomplices. I’m certain a dead hustler on the south side today would be all but ignored, while a crime against a wealthy family in Buckhead would get a lot of ink and cameras,” he said, referring to one of Atlanta’s poshest neighborhoods.

Then there’s the question of why Bennett committed his crimes, what motive he had. Was it a combination of rage and self-loathing? Shrader thinks so. “He was gay and he hated that,” Shrader said. “Then he decided that he’d get rid of [who he considered] the lowest of the gays, the slime on the totem pole, which were gay hustlers, and unfortunately I just happened to be in his path.” For her part, Reback said that she gleaned from her conversations with Notte that Bennett was “deeply repressed” and couldn’t “function sexually in any way.” (After his convictions, Bennett filed a court motion claiming that Reback had provided ineffective counsel; it was dismissed.)

An old friend of Bennett’s in Towanda, quoted in the local paper, placed some of the blame for Bennett’s crimes on the people who’d helped him evade the consequences of his actions as a young man. “He should have had some help earlier in his life when he got into some of the minor scraps in Pennsylvania,” the friend said. “If some of that was not covered up, he might have gotten some sort of help.”

The Handcuff Man himself never offered any insight. Two days after the contentious Atlanta hearing, the judge in Florida revoked the bond he’d released Bennett on so that he could sort out his mother’s care. After his sentencing, Bennett had been seen cruising a red convertible through an area of Tampa known to be popular with gay hustlers. The judge called him “a danger to society.”

Once in prison, Bennett was placed in solitary confinement at his own request. Eventually, he was moved to the general population because, as Notte told a reporter, he was “going buggy” in isolation. His mother died in 1993. Bennett would receive a $1.5 million inheritance upon his release from prison.

But that never happened: On April 1, 1998, just one year before he was supposed to get out, Bennett had a stroke and died behind bars. “He got the life sentence that he probably deserved,” Reback said.

The bulk of Bennett’s estate went to Towanda’s historical society and to the Boy Scouts. He left $25,000 to the son of his friend Ellie Harden Smith and $15,000 to the local country club, with the condition “that this bequest be acknowledged and established as a memorial to my grandfather, the Honorable William Maxwell, my mother, Annabelle Maxwell Bennett, and myself, Robert Lee Bennett, Jr.” He also requested the erection of a memorial to himself and his mother as a condition of a gift to the county library. There was no mention of honoring his father.

As for his personal effects, namely his clothing and photographs, he issued an unusual directive: Bennett said he wanted them burned.


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Watch It Burn

Watch It Burn

Mayday

MAYDAY

The race to find four children who survived a plane crash deep in the Amazon.

The Atavist Magazine, No. 147


William Ralston is a freelance writer living in London. His work has appeared in Financial Times Weekend, GQ, the Guardian, Vanity Fair, and Wired, among other publications. He won the Best Sportswriting award at the 2023 British Journalism Awards.

Editor: Jonah Ogles
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Marta Campabadal Graus
Photography: Associated Press, Colombia’s Armed Forces Press Office via AP
Illustrator: Joel Kimmel
Additional Research: Bettina Boulton and Mat Youkee

Published in January 2024.


Hernando Murcia was the kind of pilot who flew routes others wouldn’t dare. Murcia worked for Avianline Charters, one of the air taxi companies that shuttle people across Colombia’s Amazon region, a pristine expanse of rainforest roughly the size of California. The forest is dark, dense, and often treacherous. There are no roads, much less commercial airports. The meandering rivers have strong currents and teem with predators, including piranhas and anacondas. Jaguars prowl the banks.

Violent rebel groups and drug smugglers are known to hide out in the region. Otherwise it’s sparsely populated. The people who do call the Amazon home are mostly members of indigenous tribes, and they rely on privately chartered flights to reach the outside world.

To take these flights is often to risk death. Landing strips used by Avianline and other companies are no more than makeshift clearings of dirt and gravel amid thick vegetation; many of the sites fail to meet the safety standards of Colombia’s Civil Aviation Authority. Thunderstorms, heavy rainfall, and strong winds are frequent. Because Colombia does not set an age limit for aircraft, the small propeller planes that fly the Amazon’s routes are often so old that they don’t have autopilot or other modern safety features. Pilots must be alert to rattles and to odors that don’t seem right. To navigate, they must rely on instinct shaped by experience. The skies over the rainforest are plagued with radio blind spots, requiring pilots to travel long distances without any contact with the ground.

None of this bothered Murcia. The 55-year-old had been piloting small airplanes in Colombia for more than 30 years, working for Avianline since 2021. He was willing to fly through torrential rain, even though it could crash a prop plane in a heartbeat. Once, in 2017, the aircraft he was flying experienced engine failure, and he managed to make an emergency landing on an unfinished road, saving the lives of his passengers.

On April 30, 2023, Murcia agreed to pilot a flight from the southern Amazon town of Araracuara to San José del Guaviare, a population center more than 200 miles to the north that is connected to Colombia’s road network. His aircraft would be a blue and white Cessna 206 with the registration number HK2803. The plane was manufactured in 1982, but it had only been operating in Colombia since 2019. Before that it accumulated thousands of flight hours in the United States. In 2021, prior to being purchased by Avianline, HK2803 had crashed. No one on board was seriously injured, but damage to the propeller, engine, and a wing required extensive repairs before the plane could be put back in service.

Murcia was late to arrive in Araracuara because a storm delayed his incoming flight, so the HK2803 trip was moved to the next morning, and Murcia stayed in town overnight. Before going to bed he called his wife, Olga Vizcaino, to tell her that he loved her. He asked her to give their daughters a hug for him. Early the following day, Murcia sucked down some coffee, scrambled eggs, and plantains, then made his way to the Cessna to carry out his usual preflight inspection.

HK2803 was supposed to be carrying representatives from a company called Yauto, a broker of carbon credits between indigenous populations and multinational firms. But sometime before takeoff, members of the Colombian military stationed in Araracuara approached Murcia. They told him that there was a change of plans: He needed to evacuate an indigenous family who feared that a local rebel group wanted them dead.

As the family hurried into the rear of the Cessna’s cabin, a local indigenous leader named Hermán Mendoza clambered up front next to Murcia; he said that he was there to ensure the other passengers arrived at their destination safely. Murcia added everyone’s names to the flight manifest, radioed the information to Colombian air traffic control, then revved the plane’s engine.

At first the Cessna wouldn’t budge. The recent downpour had turned Araracuara’s landing strip into mud, and the plane’s wheels were mired. As Murcia fought to free the aircraft, one of its wheels hit a divot, tilting the plane so much that the propeller bumped the ground. Finally, just before 7 a.m. on May 1, he managed to take off.

The skies were blue that day, and there was a light wind. For around half an hour all was well. But as the Cessna approached Caquetá, a Colombian department that contains one of the densest, wettest, most remote corners of the Amazon, something went wrong. Over his radio, Murcia declared engine failure.

“Mayday, mayday, 2803,” he said. “My engine is idling. I’m going to look for a field.”

Air traffic control pointed him toward nearby landing strips and reported the emergency to the Colombian Air Force, but then the Cessna’s radio signal cut out. Fifteen minutes later it returned, and Murcia reported that the engine was working again. But not for long: Eight minutes later, Murcia was back on the radio.

“Mayday, mayday, 2803, 2803, my engine failed again,” he said.

The Cessna was no longer flying—it was gliding. Murcia needed an opening in the landscape below him, somewhere he could set the plane down and search and rescue could find it. But in the Amazon, such openings are exceedingly rare. In emergencies some pilots aim for a bushy tree; if an aircraft’s velocity is sufficiently reduced and its nose remains lifted on impact, the foliage can sometimes cradle a plane until help arrives.

Instead, Murcia decided to shoot for water. “I’m going to look for a river,” he said. “Here I have a river on the right.” Air traffic control asked him to confirm his location. “One hundred and three miles outside of San José,” Murcia responded. “I am going to hit water.”

These were the last words air traffic control heard from Murcia. Moments later, radar recorded the Cessna taking a sharp right turn. Then, around 7:50 a.m., it disappeared.

Neither Avianline nor the air force saw any sign of the crash: no debris, no smoke, no conspicuous swath cut through the rainforest’s canopy. All they saw was a seemingly endless sea of green.

Word of the Cessna’s disappearance spread quickly. In Bogotá, the Search and Rescue Service of the Colombian Civil Aviation Authority reviewed the plane’s last known coordinates and calculated the maximum distance it could have glided before crashing. This provided a broad area of interest for a recovery mission.

By 8:15 a.m., authorities had picked up a distress signal from the plane’s emergency locator transmitter, a device triggered by impact from a crash. The ELT would also broadcast approximate GPS data every 12 hours until its battery died, which would happen after two days. The Cessna appeared to be somewhere in an area of around 1.5 square miles, near a small community called Cachiporro along the Apaporis River. Maybe that was where Murcia had attempted his water landing.

When a plane crashes in Colombia, the responsibility for finding it normally lies with the Civil Aviation Authority, which will arrange for both the military and the air force to dispatch recovery teams. But the vast wilderness and unique dangers of the Amazon meant that it was initially deemed too risky to send anyone on foot. Only the air force was deployed, and it sent surveillance planes over the jungle near Cachiporro, hoping to spot the wreckage or possibly survivors.

There was reason for hope. People had survived crashes in the Amazon before, in Colombia and elsewhere. Most famously, in 1971, a 17-year-old named Juliane Koepcke fell from an altitude of more than 10,000 feet after lightning struck LANSA flight 508. She walked alone for 11 days in the Peruvian jungle before being rescued.

As the Colombian air force got to work, Freddy Ladino began organizing his own search for HK2803. Ladino, 40, with a shaved head and pearly white teeth, is the founder of Avianline. By 10:30 a.m. the day of the crash, the company had sent up several of its other planes to look for HK2803. But neither Avianline nor the air force saw any sign of the crash: no debris, no smoke, no conspicuous swath cut through the rainforest’s canopy. All they saw was a seemingly endless sea of green. Searchers would have to take another approach, and fast.

As Colombian authorities and Avianline regrouped, the families of the passengers aboard HK2803 received word that their loved ones were missing. Murcia’s wife was at home with her daughters when she got the call. She prayed that her husband was alive and decided to keep the television turned off. The crash was already making headlines, and she didn’t want to get caught up in speculation.

The last-minute change to the HK2803 manifest supercharged the media’s interest in the crash. The indigenous family on the flight included a woman named Magdalena Mucutuy Valencia (34) and her four young children: daughters Lesly (13), Soleiny (9), and Cristin (11 months), and son Tien (4). Within hours of the Cessna vanishing, the fate of Magdalena and her children became an obsession in Colombia. International interest followed. In the weeks to come there would be breathless news segments, finger-pointing, misinformation, and dashed hopes. It would be 40 days until the world had answers.

For Magdalena the jungle had always been home. A member of the indigenous Witoto tribe—sometimes spelled Uitoto—she grew up on the fringes of Araracuara, a place so remote that electricity must come from gas generators or solar panels, and cell service is only available at the small landing strip. The closest road is several days away through the rainforest. Araracuara sits on the northern rim of a canyon through which the Caquetá River thunders; the rapids are almost impossible to navigate by boat. Between 1938 and 1971, the government ran a penal colony in Araracuara for Colombia’s worst criminals. Prisoners lived outdoors, because escape—whether by river or through the jungle—would have been suicide.

Magdalena was the third of ten siblings born to Fátima Valencia and Narciso Mucutuy. Valencia was a village elder, and she instilled in her children a deep reverence for the forest. According to indigenous belief, everything in the Amazon, from the rivers to the plants to the animals, is imbued with a powerful spirit. Some spirits are good, others malevolent. The latter category includes duendes, which lurk in the jungle’s shadows, looking to lead children astray. “They take out your voice,” Valencia said, “and you cannot scream.” The Witoto claim to commune with jungle spirits through shamanic rituals and ceremonies.

In addition to spiritual knowledge, Valencia taught her children about the forest’s practical uses. It was a place of sustenance, good for growing certain crops and scavenging for wild fruit. Valencia showed Magdalena and her siblings which of the jungle’s offerings were for animals and which were safe for humans to eat.

As a girl, Magdalena enjoyed tending her community’s chagra, a traditional shared garden. She also liked playing soccer. In 2005, when she was still a teenager, Magdalena competed in a tournament in La Chorrera, 60 miles southwest of Araracuara. Afterward, she had coffee with Andrés Jacobombaire, a forest ranger who played on a rival team. Jacobombaire asked her out on a date; they spent an evening dancing to merengue and shared a first kiss.

According to Jacobombaire, it was “love at first sight.” When he proposed, Magdalena accepted. They soon had two children, Angie and John.

In 2010, Magdalena gave birth to their third child, Lesly, who inherited her mother’s long brown hair and brown eyes. As a kid, Lesly proved to be a natural athlete, and she was enthusiastic about fishing. Jacobombaire’s father, the indigenous chief in La Chorrera, taught her to hunt for monkeys in the jungle. Lesly spent hours studying the sounds of birds and learning the names of trees and fruit. “She knew how to defend herself in the jungle,” Jacobombaire said. “We prepared her from a very young age.”

For 12 years, Magdalena and Jacobombaire had a good relationship. They welcomed their fourth child, Soleiny, in 2014. Then, in June 2016, Jacobombaire fell at work. He thought he might have broken his back. His condition worsened, and for a time he lost the ability to speak and move. His injuries took a toll on the marriage. One day in early 2017, Magdalena packed her bags and returned home to live with her parents in Araracuara. She took Lesly and Soleiny with her. “They closed the door on me,” Jacobombaire said.

Araracuara was a place in flux. Cocaine cartels were operating in the jungle, and they sometimes forcibly recruited local children to participate in illicit drug production. A rebel group calling itself the Carolina Ramírez Front was believed to be using Araracuara as a transfer point for cocaine shipments bound for Brazil. The area also attracted wildcat miners eager to exploit the Amazon’s gold deposits.

Magdalena found work at an illegal mine, which is where she met Manuel Ranoque. A short, strong man, 26-year-old Ranoque didn’t have the best reputation: Some people considered him a bully who drank too much. But Magdalena fell for him, and they moved in together in the indigenous reserve of Puerto Sábalo, Ranoque’s home. Magdalena gave birth to Tien in 2018 and Cristin in 2022. Ranoque eventually became Puerto Sábalo’s governor.

Valencia didn’t approve of Magdalena’s new relationship. She had heard that Ranoque abused his previous wife. Valencia also claimed to have seen Ranoque kissing his ex in Bogotá.

In April 2023, Ranoque suddenly left Puerto Sábalo. He said that he had no choice, because the Carolina Ramírez Front had threatened his life. He made his way to Bogotá, where he contacted Magdalena and asked her and the children to join him. He said that they were in danger, too.

Magdalena’s parents told her not to follow Ranoque; they didn’t trust him. “Mile is lying,” Valencia insisted, using Ranoque’s nickname. Valencia could hear her daughter sobbing when she spoke to Ranoque on the phone.

Without telling her parents, Magdalena gathered her belongings and her children and moved into a little house next to the Araracuara air strip. Each day she begged Colombian soldiers to get her on a flight. Ranoque called them to ask for their help, too. The soldiers eventually agreed to secure the family seats aboard HK2803, with Hermán Mendoza as their escort. Ranoque would meet Magdalena and the children in San José del Guaviare, and together they would travel by road to Bogotá.

On May 1, after Magdalena settled on board the plane, she messaged Ranoque: “We are leaving now.” As she typed, she cradled baby Cristin in her lap.

Manuel Ranoque (AP Photo/Fernando Vergara)

After the crash, Magdalena’s parents were shocked to learn that their daughter and grandchildren had been on the flight. “I felt terrible, like I had a fever,” Valencia said. Jacobombaire was devastated by the news. He’d recently lost his father and couldn’t believe that God would take his daughters too. “It hurts my soul,” he said.

As for Ranoque, when he got word about the downed Cessna, he immediately packed his bags and headed to Cachiporro. “What I thought about most was getting my family back,” he said. He planned to go on foot into the jungle to find them, dead or alive.

Ranoque wasn’t alone—other family members and friends of the missing passengers were anxious to start looking for them. In Araracuara, Mendoza’s sister, Diana, and his cousin Natalya Rodríguez began rounding up volunteers for a search party. “When someone you love goes missing, you desperately want to find them,” Rodríguez said. “It’s the hope that keeps you going.” The first person they called was Henry Guerrero, 56, a Witoto leader with disheveled black hair and a graying mustache. He agreed to lead a team of five men.

Avianline organized two ground searches of its own. Shortly after setting off from Cachiporro into the jungle, the first group became lost. They lit a fire to alert aircraft to their position but eventually found their way back to civilization, of a sort, when they stumbled on the jungle home of a man called Dumar. He didn’t give his full name to the volunteers because he ran a clandestine cocaine operation. Dumar’s home, little more than a wooden hut with a corrugated metal roof, became something of an informal headquarters for civilian-led search teams.

Ranoque eventually arrived at Dumar’s, as did Edwin Paky, a 36-year-old expert in rainforest navigation and a representative of the Organization of Indigenous Peoples of the Colombian Amazon (OPIAC), who happened to be another cousin of Mendoza. Delio, Mendoza’s brother, came too, as did other volunteers from Araracuara. The new arrivals agreed to work together, and over a cigarette on the riverbank one day, Dumar told them information he’d been hesitant to share for fear of attracting unwanted attention to his business: On the morning of the crash, he had seen HK2083 flying over his hut, heading east at an altitude he estimated to be a few hundred feet.

The next day, as the first rays of sunlight illuminated the jungle, Ranoque, Paky, Guerrero, and other indigenous volunteers began swinging their machetes, hacking a path through the vegetation in the direction Dumar had seen the plane go.

A person, especially a child, walking away from such a crash would be a small miracle; surviving in the Amazon for more than a week without supplies was almost too much to hope for.

The best hope for finding the Cessna was using the coordinates broadcast by the ELT. But the first three sets were several miles apart. Colombian officials wondered if one of the passengers had survived the crash and detached the ELT from the Cessna, and was now moving on foot with it through the jungle. If so, they were likely doing so without food or water, in one of the most inhospitable places on earth.

The military decided to put together its own ground mission. Tasked to lead it was Pedro Sánchez, the head of Colombia’s Special Operations Joint Command (CCOES), a group of highly trained soldiers who undertake the country’s most dangerous and sensitive operations. Historically, the CCOES’s activities had mostly involved capturing—and in some cases executing—high-value terrorists, rebels, and narco-criminals. The commandoes weren’t in the habit of running rescue missions, but theirs was the only military unit capable of handling the Amazon’s terrain and its dangers.

Sánchez got to work drafting a search plan. The air force had spotted a plume of smoke near Cachiporro; assuming it came from a fire set by crash survivors, pilots dropped food rations nearby. Using this location as the starting point, Sánchez and his team mapped a search area of roughly four square miles, split into 100 quadrants. CCOES commandoes would comb each section by walking over it in a pattern of triangles and zigzags.

On the morning of May 6, three Black Hawk helicopters roared across the Cachiporro skyline. Inside were soldiers armed with M4 rifles, hand grenades, night-vision goggles, thermal optics, and satellite phones. Two groups, designated Dragon4 and Destructor1, rappelled into the jungle a couple of miles apart from each other in the northern section of the search area. They planned to work their way south, hoping to meet any survivors along the way. A third group of 11 commandoes—a team dubbed Ares3—were dispatched to the banks of the Apaporis River. They were accompanied by a search and rescue dog, a Belgian Malinois named Wilson.

Quadrant by quadrant, the CCOES soldiers did their painstaking work. Captain Ender Montiel, the leader of Dragon4, described the search area as “virgin jungle, a jungle that one way or another had not been stepped on by a human being.” The commandos could only work from 6 a.m. until dusk, because night in the Amazon meant total darkness—the kind where a person can take a few wrong steps and find himself lost, possibly forever. There was near constant rain, and monkeys in the canopy threw food at the soldiers.

The teams moved slowly, in single file, to make sure they covered their targeted areas. They divided each quadrant in two, searching one section in the morning and the other in the afternoon. Each man was required to walk as much as six miles per day. In case there were rebels holed up nearby, the soldiers used hand signals to communicate.

Destructor1 found the source of the smoke first spotted by the air force, but there was no one at the site. The food rations dropped from above lay on the ground untouched. Only later would the CCOES learn that the fire was the one set by the first Avianline search party before it found Dumar’s hut.

The error was a consequence of poor coordination between the military and civilian rescue efforts. As soon as the CCOES began its work, Valencia and other family members of the missing passengers pressured Sánchez to include indigenous searchers in his operation. “We as indigenous people know how to navigate the jungle and understand the unique spirits of each territory,” Valencia said. But Sánchez resisted; he was concerned that indigenous volunteers lacked military training and might not follow orders.  

Distrust ran in the other direction too, a result of recent history. Much of Colombia’s ongoing violence between state forces and armed groups has occurred in poor, rural areas, with indigenous people disproportionately affected—many have been forced to flee their homes, and some have been caught in the crossfire. “There has been a sense on behalf of these communities that the military was absolutely not there to protect them, in fact it was the opposite,” said Elizabeth Dickinson of the International Crisis Group. “They viewed them as a risk.” The military has also become infamous for killing innocent people and then declaring them enemy combatants, a practice known as false positives. A 2021 inquiry found that, between 2002 and 2008, Colombia’s armed forces committed more than 6,400 such killings.

So in the search for HK2803 the military largely kept its distance from indigenous searchers, and vice versa. Days passed. Then a week. After nine days and hundreds of miles of walking, the CCOES commandoes had grown weary. The only thing they’d found was an abandoned camp that once belonged to members of the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia, or FARC, the notorious rebel group.

Privately, Captain Montiel began to wonder whether HK2803 had sunk in the river. And even if it hadn’t, would it make any difference? A person, especially a child, walking away from such a crash would be a small miracle; surviving in the Amazon for more than a week without supplies was almost too much to hope for. “Every day we would ask ourselves a lot of questions,” Montiel said.

Still, the CCOES teams kept going. Early on the morning of May 15, Dragon4 was on its latest search when Sergeant Wilmar Miranda, Montiel’s deputy, spotted something pink amid the foliage. It was a baby bottle.

The soldiers took a photograph and sent it to Sánchez, who forwarded it to Valencia. By then the families of the people aboard HK2803 had gathered in Villavicencio, a city near the western edge of the Amazon. Valencia recognized the bottle right away. It belonged to Cristin.

The military searchers might have considered the bottle little more than crash debris except for one thing: There was cloudy water inside it—water that hadn’t come from a tap, but from the jungle. And because Cristin couldn’t walk yet, much less draw water from a stream, someone must have filled the bottle for her. That meant at least two people had survived the crash.

A few hours after finding the bottle, Miranda spotted some wild fruit with fresh bite marks on it, human ones. “It was happiness and joy to see that,” Miranda said. “There was life.” He looked around for signs of trails, spots where human feet might have left prints in the soil. But the forest’s unrelenting rain meant that everything was washed clean.

General Pedro Sánchez meets indigenous volunteers at the airport in San José del Guaviare. (AP Photo/Fernando Vergara)

Several miles south of where the CCOES was working, civilian rescuers weren’t having any luck. Given his skills as a navigator, Edwin Paky was the de facto leader of the indigenous volunteers, and he was growing anxious. He’d tripped over a branch and twisted his ankle one day, and now the group was running low on supplies. Ranoque and Delio, Mendoza’s brother, had gone to Cachiporro to restock but had yet to return. Paky thought that it might be time for everyone to turn back.

Then, on the afternoon of May 15, one of the searchers spotted something blue through a cluster of trees. At first the volunteers thought it was a house, but as they got closer they realized it was a plane. The plane.

HK2803 was in a vertical, nose-down position on the forest floor, indicating that Murcia had likely failed to slow down and pull up before crashing. The Cessna’s broken fuselage stuck out of the ground like a flagpole, and the propeller was snapped off. Paky saw that the canopy, some 150 feet above the wreckage, was somehow unbroken. No wonder aircraft had failed to spot the crash site.

As he approached the plane, Paky inhaled the pungent odor of decay. Looking inside he saw bodies, which the rainforest had made quick work of. Though her remains were mostly bones, he identified Magdalena by her long hair and body shape. He recognized Murcia because of his pilot’s jacket.

Paky didn’t see Mendoza, but he felt an ache in his stomach. “At first I thought nobody could have survived that crash,” Paky said. He jotted down the coordinates of the site and went in search of help. He soon encountered some of the CCOES soldiers. They radioed the discovery through to Sánchez, who ordered Montiel’s men in Dragon4 to the wreckage to identify the bodies. En route the following morning, Montiel’s team came across a crude shelter made of leaves cut with scissors, which were lying nearby on the ground. The leaves hadn’t withered; whoever cut them had done so recently.

At the crash site, Montiel and his men lifted HK2803 up with a winch and found three bodies: Mendoza was in the crushed nose of the plane, and he’d been decapitated on impact. Delio, who by then had returned to the jungle from the supply run to Cachiporro, put his head in his hands and fell to the forest floor. “My little brother!” he screamed.

The searchers noted that the cabin door was open; bags, clothes, and diapers were strewn about on the ground. Montiel, once skeptical that there would be any survivors, now realized that all the children had likely made it through the crash. “It was a real miracle,” he said. Still, the children had likely seen their mother dead or dying, then walked into the jungle to fend for themselves. Montiel thought of his own kids in that situation and choked back tears.

When Ranoque arrived at the scene he wept. “The only thing I thought was that that accident was my fault,” he said. “I just tried to imagine the degree of fear, anguish, and dread my children must have felt when the plane went into a nosedive.” He was also convinced that the children were alive. One of his own sisters had become lost in the jungle and was found safe a month later. In 2020, a mother and her three young children survived for 34 days after losing their way on a forest walk. Magdalena’s children knew better than most how to fend for themselves in that kind of terrain.

But the children could have been injured in the crash. If they had wounds, infection was a real threat. There were many others. When she got word that her grandchildren had likely survived the crash, Valencia thought of jaguars, snakes, duendes—all the things that could have harmed or killed the kids in the days since the plane went down. “That jungle doesn’t belong to us,” Valencia said.

From his position leading the CCOES teams, Sánchez estimated that if the children were alive, they had another three days, maybe four. It was time for a new search and rescue strategy, the likes of which Colombia had never seen.

The military called the new effort Operation Hope. More troops and dogs were brought to the search area. Aircraft flew low, dropping food, lighters, and thousands of leaflets printed with survival tips. Pilots scanned the landscape with binoculars, searching for signs of life.

Sánchez thought it was possible that the children had heard or even seen his soldiers, but were so scared of armed strangers that they hid. He suggested that someone in the family record a message telling them that it was safe to come out and to let his men help them. Valencia made the recording on her phone in her hotel room in Villavicencio. “I felt like crying,” she said, “but it strengthened my heart.” The military then attached a loudspeaker to a helicopter and flew over the jungle playing the message. “I beg you, stay calm,” Valencia’s voice boomed over the trees. “The army is looking for you.”

On May 17, two soldiers from Destructor1 spotted a group of men in the jungle. The soldiers readied their weapons. If these were rebels or drug smugglers, violence was likely. But the men were the indigenous searchers from Araracuara, Ranoque among them. He asked to use the soldiers’ satellite phone. Captain Juan Felipe Montoya, the leader of Destructor1, brought the group back to camp, where they were given food and water. Montoya was struck by Ranoque’s dedication. “I was thinking that as a father I would do the same thing,” Montoya said.

He was surprised, however, by the person Ranoque called on the satellite phone: a fortune-teller in Villavicencio. In Colombia, psychics sometimes appear on television and are popular on social media. They predict the outcomes of everything from presidential elections to sporting events. Ranoque, it turned out, had been consulting one about where to search.

The fortune-teller explained to Ranoque that if he headed west from his location for 270 yards, he would find a trail that would lead to the children. “I didn’t pay much attention to the fortune-teller’s guidance, fearing others might think we’re crazy,” said Sergeant Juan Carlos Rojas, Montoya’s deputy. Montoya was skeptical, too, but as Ranoque and the indigenous searchers headed out of the military camp, he decided it couldn’t hurt to send a few of his own men along. A short time later, the group returned with news: They had found footprints.

Montoya could hardly believe it, and he decided to continue working with the volunteers. Another development soon followed: Montiel’s Dragon4 team found prints, too—fresh ones. The children had to be close.

It wasn’t all good news on May 17, however. That evening Wilson, the Belgian Malinois accompanying the Ares3 soldiers, chewed through his collar and ran into the jungle. He was declared missing, and all units were asked to be on the lookout for him. Meanwhile, the Institute of Family Welfare, Colombia’s child-protection agency, released a statement on Twitter announcing that it had received information “confirming contact” with the children. Avianline tweeted that one of its pilots had been told that the children were alive and on a boat headed to safety. Most prominently, President Gustavo Petro tweeted that the children had been rescued—he described it as a “joy for the country.” None of this was true. It isn’t clear where the rumors began; perhaps it was inevitable that, amid the frantic, disjointed rescue efforts, misinformation would sprout somewhere.

Petro retracted his tweet later that day, and his flip-flop caught the global media’s attention. Journalists descended on Colombia to document the rescue mission in real time. “Clues suggest children survived Colombian jungle plane crash as officials race to find them,” declared CNN. “A Plane Crashed in the Amazon. Did Four Children Survive?” wrote The New York Times.

By then, Sánchez was frustrated. There were numerous signs that the children were alive, but his men still hadn’t found them. He went to a chapel to pray for help. The next day, May 19, he readied more troops and revised the required search patterns—each soldier would have to walk much farther each day.

Sánchez also found himself wondering if native customs were the missing ingredients after all. If he listened to indigenous guidance, however contrary to his training, perhaps the children would finally be located. “I thought there was different energy in the jungle that wasn’t allowing the children to be rescued,” he said.

Valencia was telling reporters that a duende must have captured the children, and Sánchez decided to consult an indigenous woman he knew about the matter. What might a person do about a duende? he asked. The woman told Sánchez to take four bottles of aguardiente, an alcoholic spirit, to the banks of the Apaporis at midnight and arrange them in the shape of a cross. This would attract the duende, who would get drunk and release the children. Sánchez dispatched the order to Montiel, who was baffled. “I’m a Catholic, so I don’t believe in those things,” he said. Still, Montiel did as he was told.

The ritual didn’t yield results, but it marked the start of closer collaboration between the military and indigenous searchers. On Montoya’s team, the soldiers initially slept with their guns by their sides at night, fearing Ranoque and the other civilians who had joined their camp might turn on them. But soon, according to Montoya’s deputy, Sergeant Rojas, the soldiers began to learn “a lot of things about the jungle” from their indigenous counterparts, who showed CCOES team members how to drink water from tree roots and build makeshift shelters from palm leaves. The volunteers’ ability to spot things out of place in the jungle—human tracks, say, or the remnants of food packaging—was remarkable. They chewed mambé, or crushed coca leaves, to sharpen their minds and give them energy, and some of the soldiers started using it, too.

On May 21, Sánchez received a visit from Giovani Yule, a nationally respected indigenous figure. The men hugged, and Yule told Sánchez that it was surely the first time in history that an indigenous leader had embraced a Colombian general. President Petro had requested Yule’s help in rounding up additional volunteers to help with the search, and Yule summoned members of various tribes: the Nukak, the Siona, the Nasa, the Witoto. Sánchez agreed to dispatch military aircraft to pick up the new volunteers and bring them to the search zone.

One of the new recruits was Eliecer Muñoz, a 49-year-old farmer and a member of the Indigenous Guard, a network of volunteers who protect tribal territory from violence and environmental destruction. In 2001, his brother and father had mysteriously vanished; he assumed that they’d been taken by an armed group and spent years searching for them. “I know what it is to look for your loved ones,” he said. Muñoz was eager to help but skeptical of collaborating with soldiers. “Right from the start, I made it clear to the government that no matter how many soldiers they sent, be it a thousand or even two thousand, they could never truly understand or see the jungle’s spirits,” he said.

Another volunteer was José Rubio, a 55-year-old shaman who went by El Tigre. Tall and handsome, with a steely demeanor, Rubio was often consulted when indigenous people were lost in the jungle. He had even helped find Ranoque’s sister when she went missing. He was terrified of weapons, though, and steered clear of the soldiers. It was a sentiment Muñoz understood. “Seeing a weapon made us wary. It reminded us of past experiences,” he said.

By May 24, a total of 92 indigenous volunteers had joined the 113 soldiers assigned to the search mission. Sánchez divided them into a dozen combined units. Extraordinarily, he ordered some of his soldiers to allow the volunteers to lead search efforts according to their beliefs. Military strategies for finding the children weren’t working; why not try spiritual ones?

Muñoz and Rubio were both placed with Montoya’s men in Destructor1. Muñoz immediately headed to the crash site and conducted a cleansing ritual, burning sweet grass, cedar, and sage, to assure Mother Earth that the volunteers were only there to claim what was rightfully theirs. He asked that the searchers be protected from dangerous animals. He also asked for better weather, to make the search easier. For the next three days there was no rain; the sky was a beautiful, rich blue.

Meanwhile, Rubio consumed mambé and ambil, a thick tobacco paste—he hoped doing so would help him connect with the jungle’s spirits. “I asked them if it was OK for me to search for the kids, explaining that they were my family,” he said. Rubio soon came to the same conclusion as Valencia: The children were being held captive by a duende.

Over the next few days, the men turned up new clues: diapers, a pair of running shoes, children’s footprints with what appeared to be a dog’s beside them, though there was no way of knowing if they had been made by Wilson, who was still missing, or by a wild animal. But no one found the children. On May 26, the day Cristin turned one, searchers sang “Happy Birthday” to her, wherever she was.

Indigenous volunteers wait to board a helicopter to join the search. (AP Photo/Fernando Vergara)

May turned to June. The children had been missing for a month. Many indigenous volunteers were injured or severely ill, and some gave up hope and abandoned the search. “The jungle seemed to turn against us,” said Henry Guerrero, who’d come from Araracuara.  

By now some of Sánchez’s commandoes had walked more than 1,000 miles, nearly the distance from Seattle to Los Angeles. They began trying new tactics: They marked search areas with bright yellow tape, hoping that the children would see it and stay put. They hung whistles from the tape so the children could make noise. They placed a loudspeaker in the jungle and again played the recording of Valencia’s voice.

Meanwhile, Sánchez tried to manage the expectations of the growing global audience, who were eager to learn of the children’s fate. “It’s not like finding a needle in a haystack,” he told the Associated Press. “It’s like finding a tiny flea in a huge rug that moves in unpredictable directions.”

On June 4, Montoya and his men were preparing for an eight-day break; other soldiers would take their place. Moments before they boarded a helicopter, they took a photo with the indigenous searchers, and Rubio asked the soldiers to secure him yage, a powerful psychoactive brew commonly known as ayahuasca. According to Witoto belief, consuming yage allows access to ancient wisdom that can cure ailments and solve complex problems. Rubio suspected that this was the only way the searchers could secure the children’s release from the duende holding them captive.

It was an unusual request. “To the Special Forces, this normally didn’t make sense,” Montoya said. “But in this mission everything was a possibility.” While on leave, Montoya sought out a woman in Araracuara, who agreed to prepare the brew. When she said that she had no way of getting it to the volunteers in the jungle, Natalya Rodríguez, the cousin of crash victim Hermán Mendoza, stepped in: She agreed to charter a plane and deliver it personally. “There’s joy in knowing that you were meant to do something to help those children,” Rodríguez said.

On June 7, Rubio prepared a small shelter where he could conduct a yage ceremony. Ranoque was selected to consume the drink—Rubio hoped his personal connection to the children might facilitate a conversation with the duende. Rubio blessed the space and, as midnight approached, quieted the men who had come to witness the ritual. Ranoque sipped some of the yage and lay down. The men watched him closely, but the effects never came. He stood up and said that it hadn’t worked.

The following day, only 16 indigenous volunteers remained with the search effort. Muñoz was among them, but he, like Rubio, was battling pneumonia. “I couldn’t eat,” he said. “I went without food for days.” He knew that he wouldn’t last much longer; he and the other volunteers would need to go home to recover.

As a last resort, Rubio himself drank yage in the early morning hours of June 9. He vomited, a common side effect when the brew works, and then hallucinated for around 45 minutes. In his visions, Rubio later explained, he met the children and the duende who was with them. Rubio told the duende that he was there to take the children, and it agreed to return them on the condition that a spell be cast on the searchers.

As Rubio sobered up, several of the indigenous volunteers reported feeling flu-like symptoms, including body aches, high temperatures, and a dry cough. Rubio suffered from convulsions. He was sure that the ritual had worked, and he told the remaining searchers that they would find the children that day.

As the sun rose, Muñoz set out with renewed conviction. He was joined by three other volunteers: Dairo Kumariteke, Edwin Manchola, and Nicolás Ordóñez. The CCOES soldiers they’d been working with were so exhausted that they didn’t join. The four men wandered for several hours, and around midday they stopped to talk and chew some mambé. Muñoz was anxious. “Faith still remains,” Ordóñez told him. “I’m sure we’ll find them.”

In the early afternoon, the group stumbled upon a red-footed tortoise, a sign of good fortune in Witoto culture. Folklore says that if a person finds this kind of tortoise while hunting, they’ll be granted a wish, provided that the creature is released afterward. Muñoz picked up the 20-inch-long tortoise. “Alright, turtle, you’re going to help me find the kids,” he said, laughing. “You either help me, or I’ll eat your liver!” Ordóñez added his own threat: “I’ll drink your blood!”

Muñoz strapped the tortoise to his back, and the men continued their search for a few hours, walking side by side up a steep hill. They considered turning back at dusk, but they trusted Rubio’s words: They would find the children today.

Ten minutes later they reached a clearing, and Kumariteke heard something nearby. He stopped and told the group to be still. Moments later he heard it again: the faint but unmistakable whimper of a baby.

Exactly 40 days after the children disappeared in the wilderness, the first person to set eyes on them was Ordóñez. Twenty-seven years old, with wavy brown hair and a muscular frame, Ordóñez had had a harrowing childhood experience of his own. He was recruited by FARC, making him one of thousands of minors the rebel group lured into its ranks as it fought the Colombian military. At 15, he entered a government-run program for the reintegration of child soldiers. Now he was working alongside the very armed forces he’d once sworn to fight, and he was soon to become a national hero.

When Ordóñez spied Lesly and Soleiny in the forest, he ran toward them, shouting that he and the other volunteers knew their family. When the men finally managed to corral the girls, one of them was clutching Cristin. Now the searchers just needed to account for Tien. “Where is your little brother?” Muñoz asked. Lesly pointed at a makeshift shelter nearby. Inside, five-year-old Tien was lying on the ground, too frail to stand. “My mom is dead,” he said with tears in his eyes.

The children were painfully thin and covered with scratches and insect bites. They sobbed and tried to pull away from the men. Muñoz attempted to calm them, speaking in Witoto. “We are family. We were sent by your father, your grandmother,” Ordóñez said. Finally, Lesly hugged him. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and told her not to be afraid. “I’m hungry,” Lesly said. “I’m very hungry.” Muñoz had some sausage and farina, a coarse cassava flour, in his backpack. But he feared that the children’s stomachs might be so sensitive from malnutrition that the food would make them ill, so he gave them water instead.

Night was falling quickly, and it would take a few hours to get back to camp. Muñoz set the tortoise free—it had done its job—and then each man put a child on his back and moved as quickly as he could through the jungle. Muñoz found a well of energy he didn’t know he had. “The excitement was so overwhelming that I completely forgot about everything else,” he said.

After an hour, he began to worry that the children wouldn’t be alive by the time they reached camp unless they ate something. He stopped and gave them food, praying that it wouldn’t hurt them. After another hour, the group reached their destination. “I’ve found the children!” Muñoz shouted to Yeison Bonilla, a military sergeant.

Bonilla’s troops hurried to wrap the children in thermal blankets and checked them over. They showed signs of severe exhaustion and dehydration. Bonilla didn’t think they would have survived another day on their own.

Some of the troops took photos of the children to send to their superiors, and a volunteer ran to find Ranoque. He rushed to the children and began to cry. “I felt like life was giving me a second chance to see my children alive,” he said. He worried that they were too fragile to touch, so he stood nearby as Rubio blew tobacco smoke over them, to cleanse away any lingering jungle spirits.

Bonilla grabbed his radio and repeated the code word for a successful operation, the one everyone had waited so long to hear: “Miracle, miracle, miracle.”

Military and indigenous rescuers pose for a photo with the children on the day they were found. (Colombia’s Armed Forces Press Office via AP)

Sánchez cried when he heard Bonilla’s words. “I felt incredibly happy and peaceful in my heart,” he said. He checked the coordinates of where the children were found—it was a little over three miles from the crash site. Rescue teams had almost certainly passed within yards of them, likely more than once.

By 8 p.m. on June 9, a Black Hawk helicopter was hovering over the children and their rescuers, its rotors spinning just feet above the treetops in the pouring rain. The vegetation was too dense to land, so the pilot, Julián Novoa, held the chopper steady for nearly an hour as soldiers rappelled down to the jungle floor and hoisted up the children and Ranoque one by one.

On board, doctors monitored the children as Novoa flew to the military base in San José del Guaviare, the town where the Cessna had been headed when it crashed. There the children were hooked up to IVs and then loaded onto a military plane bound for Bogotá. On the plane, Ranoque was finally able to give his children a hug. Sánchez was on board, too, and Ranoque asked him to be Cristin’s godfather. Sánchez accepted. When the plane landed, four ambulances—one for each child—whisked them to a hospital.

In a hastily convened press conference, President Petro lauded the children’s “total survival.” He credited the unlikely collaboration of the military and indigenous communities for the rescue. “Here a different path is shown for Colombia,” he wrote later on Twitter. “I believe that this is the true path of Peace.”

The day after their arrival in the capital, the children were allowed to receive visitors. When Sánchez came to the hospital that morning, they were all sleeping except Lesly. “You are brave,” he told her. He hugged her and thanked God for keeping the children safe. They were pale, and Lesly wasn’t talking, but at least they were alive.

Valencia said she was so overwhelmed when she visited the children in the hospital that she fainted. “Seeing them in that state, suffering, without eating, exhausted, malnourished, covered in lice and thorns—it broke my heart,” she said. When Andrés Jacobombaire, Lesly and Soleiny’s biological father, came to visit, his daughters didn’t recognize him—it was the first time they’d seen him since their parents split up six years prior. Jacobombaire explained who he was, and Lesly burst into tears. “I gave her a hug and started crying with her,” Jacobombaire said.

Media weren’t allowed to see or talk to the children, and as of this writing, that remains the case. But to family and friends interviewed for this story the children relayed the details of their survival.

Lesly salvaged a few other items that seemed useful: scissors, a first aid kit, diapers, a baby bottle. Then she led her siblings west, using the sun as their guide.

As they waited to board HK2083 on the morning of May 1, the children were nervous—they’d never flown before. But they were also happy. Lesly and Soleiny had told friends how excited they were to go to Bogotá, to begin a new life in a new place. Magdalena had told her children that rebels were looking for the family, but soon, she assured them, they’d all be safe.  

An hour later, as the engine sputtered and the plane began to go down, Magdalena told her crying children to hold on tight. When the Cessna hit the canopy, Lesly banged her head and lost consciousness. When she came to, she could hear Cristin screaming. She saw that Magdalena was still holding the baby. “Mama! Mama!” Lesly yelled over and over. Magdalena was motionless, and her eyes were rolled back in her head.

Disoriented, Lesly unbuckled her seat belt and wrenched Cristin from her mother’s arms. She used one of the baby’s diapers to stem the flow of blood coming from her head. The smell of fuel filled her nostrils. Debris was scattered everywhere. Lesly saw that Hermán Mendoza and Hernando Murcia were dead, but that Soleiny and Tien were unharmed.

With Cristin in her arms, Lesly led Soleiny and Tien out of the plane. A few yards away, she built a makeshift camp, stringing up a towel and a mosquito net to keep the constant rain and bugs at bay. Then the four children waited to be rescued. Tien kept asking when their mother would wake up. Lesly worried that her brother was too young to grasp the concept of death, so she said she didn’t know.

No one came for them, and Lesly knew it wouldn’t be long before predators arrived, attracted by the bodies. So she gathered a few of Magdalena’s clothes, some farina she found in Mendoza’s bag, and juice, soda, and candy from elsewhere on the plane. She salvaged a few other items that seemed useful: scissors, a first aid kit, diapers, a baby bottle. Then she led her siblings west, using the sun as their guide.

The fact that it was the wet season in Colombia was a blessing. As they walked, Lesly collected rainwater in an empty soda bottle. The moisture also meant that the jungle was in full bloom, with fruit heavy and ripe on the trees. The children consumed juan soco, similar to passion fruit, as well as seeds from a palm tree called milpeso. Lesly chewed the hard seeds in her mouth, then fed the pulp to Tien and Cristin. She also gave Cristin water mixed with the farina from the plane.

The children moved locations every few days and hid in tree trunks to get out of the punishing rain. Making progress was exhausting. Lesly and Soleiny took turns carrying Cristin. Once, a poisonous snake came close to Lesly, and she killed it with a stick. She was desperate to find a way out, to find help, but she never saw a trail and eventually became disoriented. Sánchez estimated that the children walked about 15 miles, but not in a single direction.

When they needed rest, Lesly sometimes made a shelter from branches bound together with hair ties. She used the scissors to cut the branches; after she lost the scissors, she used her teeth. At some point, the children found one of the emergency supply packages the military had air-dropped, but most of the time they were hungry. At night they were also cold. When her siblings cried in pain, Lesly could only forage for food or wrap them in a piece of dirty fabric. It was never enough.

Despite the hardship, Lesly said that she wasn’t scared—not until she heard her grandmother’s voice. It was loud, and she didn’t understand where it was coming from. After that she sometimes heard soldiers in the jungle. But she didn’t run to them—despite what her grandmother’s message said, Lesly didn’t trust men with guns. After all, her mother had warned her that rebels were threatening the family. When rescuers came near, the children ran away or hid, fearing that it was the Carolina Ramírez Front. If she was holding Cristin, Lesly put a hand over the baby’s mouth to muffle her cries.

The children kept moving for a few weeks, hoping to find help from locals who didn’t carry guns, but by the middle of May their strength had waned substantially. Then, as the children later told Valencia, a dog showed up. It stayed with them for several days before vanishing into the jungle again; the children felt like it was protecting them. In the hospital, using crayons, Lesly drew a picture of the dog sitting under a tree next to a river, waving its paw as a yellow bird flies overhead. Soleiny drew a picture of the dog, too. In both images the animal is black and brown, with pointy ears. To the military it looked like Wilson, the missing search and rescue dog. Given the story the children told, Wilson became a hero overnight, figuring prominently in news stories about the rescue.

It’s possible the children imagined the dog. Malnourishment and fatigue can play tricks on the mind. Lesly said that she started to lose her mental faculties and felt her memories evaporating. Eventually, exhaustion prevented them from traveling at all. They huddled in one of Lesly’s shelters and prepared to die. When Lesly heard footsteps near their last shelter, she was so depleted it was a struggle to breathe.

Still, Lesly was afraid and remained silent. Soleiny and Tien did, too. If Cristin hadn’t whimpered, the children might never have been found.

Few things in recent memory have brought Colombia’s population together like the success of Operation Hope. President Petro, who is a leftist, and Iván Duque, his conservative predecessor, both tweeted in celebration. Even the Carolina Ramírez Front issued a rare statement: “Like all Colombians, we rejoice that the four surviving children of the plane crash [in] May have been found alive.”

Petro invited military and indigenous members of the rescue operation to the presidential palace to receive awards for their exceptional service. Wilson was given a medal in absentia. The dog, who despite a monthlong search effort by the military was never found, was also immortalized in a mural at CCOES headquarters.

The government’s highest honor went to Sánchez for his leadership. When I met with him a few weeks after the ceremony, he said that the experience in the jungle taught him “that when we unite and work toward a common good, we can achieve anything.” He then paused to take a breath, fighting back tears. “Our differences should not divide us,” he said.

Captain Juan Felipe Montoya said much the same thing when I met with him at his home in Bogotá. On the same shelf where he keeps the plaque Petro presented to him is something he values even more: a bag of mambé from Eliecer Muñoz and other indigenous volunteers. “We figured out that we have a lot of things in common,” Montoya said.

Muñoz is now close friends with Sergeant Juan Carlos Rojas; they talk on the phone several times a week and meet for dinner when they’re both in Bogotá. “Our traditions, thoughts, experiences, religions may be different,” Rojas told me one day, “but in the end we united.”

Along with celebrations and new friendships came inevitable demands for accountability: Someone had to answer for the crash of HK2803. Indigenous leaders called on the Colombian government to take steps to improve air safety for people living in the Amazon. In July, Ranoque filed a suit against Avianline, seeking compensation for Magdalena’s death and the suffering of the children, plus a public apology. News reports suggested that after the plane crashed in 2021, it was repaired using off-brand parts to save money. According to Ranoque’s lawyer, it wasn’t fit to fly. Ranoque told me that if he wins money from the lawsuit, it will “go directly to my children.”

Fredy Ladino, Avianline’s CEO, has informed Ranoque’s attorney that he doesn’t intend to settle out of court, and he told me that the plane wasn’t to blame for the accident. Instead, Ladino said that Murcia, the pilot, should have aborted the trip when the plane’s propeller hit the ground during takeoff. “Totally irresponsible,” Ladino said of the decision to fly. He then told me that he couldn’t deal with the emotion and stress of the story anymore and ended our conversation.

The children arrive at a military base in Bogotá. (AP Photo/John Vizcaino)

Lesly, Soleiny, Tien, and Cristin were discharged from the hospital on July 14, a month and five days after the rescue. By then the world was clamoring to hear their story. Film producers and agents were flocking to Colombia seeking access. The government created a trust for the children to manage any money generated by the attention.

A version of this story scripted for Hollywood might end here. But reality isn’t always rosy. As the kids recovered from their ordeal, an ugly legal battle erupted over their future.

Ranoque announced that he wanted custody of Tien and Cristin, his biological children, but Magdalena’s parents insisted that all four kids should be placed in their care because Ranoque was dangerous. “My daughter died because of him,” Valencia told me. Narciso Mucutuy, Valencia’s husband, accused Ranoque of beating his family, telling reporters that the children sometimes fled into the jungle when the violence got particularly bad. Once, Mucutuy said, Lesly and her siblings hid for three days to protect themselves from Ranoque, who had “arrived home with alcohol breath and started hitting them without mercy.”

Journalists from Colombian television network Caracol traveled to Puerto Sábalo to investigate the allegations, and they discovered a very different story about the events leading up to the crash than the one Ranoque had told. Locals interviewed by Caracol said that in April, Ranoque had flown to Bogotá on business as Puerto Sábalo’s governor and blew his travel budget on alcohol and marijuana. According to William Castro, who has known Ranoque since they were children, Ranoque had also met up with his ex-wife in the capital and brought her back to the Amazon with him. Magdalena was devastated, and locals were appalled—by Ranoque’s behavior in Bogotá and by his treatment of his family.

One evening, Castro told me, Magdalena confronted Ranoque about the situation with his ex, and he responded by attacking her with a machete. “She had many scars from the fight,” Castro said. The community removed Ranoque from his position as governor, and Castro was elected in his place. Elders came up with a punishment for Ranoque’s misdeeds: He would consume a large amount of ambil, which in high doses can cause dizziness, nausea, and even death. If he survived, it was because the ambil had cleansed him of evil; if he died, it would be just punishment.

Rather than test his luck, Ranoque fled Puerto Sábalo in a speedboat, claiming that the Carolina Ramírez Front was after him. The rebel group eventually denied threatening Ranoque and insisted that he retract his claim, lest it disrupt peace negotiations with the government. Castro said the idea that Ranoque or his family were being targeted by rebels was “totally false.”

Over the summer, Colombian authorities investigated Ranoque and uncovered more information related to potential domestic violence. In August, Ranoque was arrested on suspicion of sexually abusing Lesly. Legal documents also detail the alleged machete attack, during which Magdalena reportedly had Cristin in her arms, as well as a previous incident when Ranoque threw Magdalena from the second floor of a building. She was pregnant with Cristin at the time, and the other three children witnessed her fall. On another occasion, Ranoque allegedly hit Soleiny with a jungle vine.

As of this writing, Ranoque remains incarcerated and is awaiting trial. He has threatened to sue Caracol for its reporting. In response to questions submitted to him for this story through his lawyer, Ranoque reiterated his version of events preceding his departure from Puerto Sábalo. “We had violent episodes,” Ranoque wrote, referring to himself and Magdalena, “but the stories of the machete and the spending of money on parties is not true.” He vehemently denied abusing Lesly. “A father who rapes his family does not do what I did,” he wrote. “I looked for my family because I love them; if I had something to hide, I would have let them rot in the jungle, but I was the first person who tried to look for them.”

Ranoque blames Valencia and Mucutuy for spreading rumors about him—he says they want to care for the children so they can capitalize on their fame. “I know that in the hands of the mother’s family my children would not be well,” he wrote.

As a result of the custody dispute, which also came to include Jacobombaire, who wants to take his two daughters home with him, the Institute of Family Welfare decided to keep the children in its care for the time being. A decision on their future is expected this spring. The institute is tight-lipped about its most famous wards, but according to family members and rescuers who’ve seen the children, they’re getting stronger every day. Cristin has started walking. Tien enjoys playing with Legos. Soleiny and Lesly are being homeschooled.

Still, their sense of loss and dislocation is palpable. Sánchez, his wife, and their son visited the children in December to bring them Christmas gifts. Afterward, Sánchez told me that the kids are in good hands but miss the Amazon. Accustomed to the humidity of the jungle, they complained that the weather in Bogotá was too cool. Lesly appeared to be depressed. “They would prefer to be eating farina and live in Araracuara,” Sánchez told me.

Valencia believes that after the crash, the duende was the children’s enemy, not the rainforest. In fact, when their mother died, nature filled the void she’d left behind, sustaining and protecting them until the moment they were set free by the spirit that had captured them. No matter who wins custody of the children, they will likely return to the Amazon. As it was for Magdalena, the jungle is forever their home.


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Damages

Damages

The Atavist Magazine, No. 146


Rae Nudson is the author of All Made Up: The Power and Pitfalls of Beauty Culture, from Cleopatra to Kim Kardashian. She has written for The Cut, Paste, Hazlitt, Esquire, and other outlets.

Editor: Seyward Darby
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Soraya King
Illustrator: Grace J. Kim

Published in December 2023.


1.

Debra* had hoped that her medical nightmares were over. In 2009, she was diagnosed with breast cancer that had spread to her lymph nodes. The disease was estrogen positive, which meant that it was feeding on her reproductive hormones. After six months of chemotherapy and a double mastectomy, the cancer was declared in remission. To keep it that way, doctors put Debra on tamoxifen, a hormonal drug used as a prophylactic against certain types of breast cancer. She expected to be on it for about five years.

*Asterisks denote pseudonyms.

Debra has a wide smile, dimples, and thin, arched eyebrows. She likes high heels and she likes to talk. She used to work as a hairstylist, a job well suited to someone who falls easily into conversation with strangers. She is also a mom to two boys, and always wanted more kids. Patients on tamoxifen are advised against becoming pregnant; Debra, who was in her early forties when she started taking the drug, planned to conceive once she’d completed treatment.

Then, about halfway through her tamoxifen regimen, Debra got a letter in the mail with bad news: The results of her latest pap smear were abnormal. She had undergone the procedure, which involves scraping cells from the cervix, during a routine visit to a Veterans Affairs medical center near her home in Portsmouth, Virginia. (Debra was in the Air Force from 1988 to 1992.) An abnormal pap can indicate the presence of cancerous or precancerous cells; follow-up testing is usually recommended.

Debra knew that even with the tamoxifen, there was a risk that her cancer might come back, possibly in a part of her body other than her breasts; oncologists call this a distant recurrence. So she took the pap results seriously. When the VA referred her to two ob-gyns, Debra reached out to both. One had a monthslong waiting list, but the other had immediate availability. His name was Javaid Perwaiz. 

Dr. Perwaiz’s main practice was in a small redbrick building near a strip mall in the city of Chesapeake. The parking lot had 14 spaces, including one for handicapped drivers, and cars came and went in quick succession. Perwaiz had a reputation for working fast: An established patient could expect to arrive for an appointment and be back in their car in under 15 minutes. The waiting room was small, with a vaulted ceiling, a bank of windows, and walls painted a soothing mauve. Many of Perwaiz’s patients were Black women on Medicaid. Debra fit that profile.

When she met Perwaiz in July 2012, Debra felt confident about him as a doctor. He was in his early sixties and short, with a thick, well-groomed white mustache, bushy eyebrows, and a comb-over. During appointments he wore a white coat. He was matter-of-fact but not cold. He remembered details about his patients’ personal lives and asked about their loved ones.

According to Debra, after performing some tests, Perwaiz told her that she had precancerous cells on her cervix that would likely develop into cancer. He said that there was no drug she could take to stop that from happening. Given her history of breast cancer, he recommended a hysterectomy.

Debra was shocked and scared. She didn’t want to lose her ability to have more children. But she also wanted to live to see her sons grow up. After subsequent appointments with Perwaiz, during which she underwent additional tests, she agreed to have surgery, but said that she didn’t want her abdomen cut open. The doctor who performed the C-section during the birth of her first son had used a “beautiful subcutaneous suture” to close up the incision, resulting in a faint scar. “You couldn’t even tell that I’d ever had a surgery,” Debra told me. She wanted to keep her stomach the way it was. According to Debra, Perwaiz assured her that he could perform the surgery through her vagina; no abdominal incision would be required.

Debra trusted what Perwaiz told her. From their conversations, her understanding was that he would remove only her ovaries, because decreasing the estrogen in her body might diminish the risk of her cancer recurring. In fact, a hysterectomy by medical definition involves the removal of the uterus. But Debra didn’t know this going into surgery, because, she said, Perwaiz never explained it to her.  

On the morning of December 29, Debra arrived at Chesapeake Regional Medical Center and filled out the required paperwork for her procedure. One of the nurses was someone she knew from church, a friendly face. Then Debra was prepped for the operating room and given the sedative propofol. Hospital staff were wheeling her on a gurney down a hallway when she saw Perwaiz.

“What time do I need to tell my friend to come back and pick me up?” Debra asked him.

“That’s not the surgery you signed for,” she remembered Perwaiz replying.

She wasn’t sure what that meant. The propofol was making her sleepy. Then everything went dark.

When Debra woke up in a recovery room, she knew something was wrong. Groggily, she moved her hands to her stomach. She found tape covering an incision. Debra didn’t understand. She began to cry.

She was discharged the next day, and only then did it fully sink in: Perwaiz had performed an invasive surgery, slicing into her abdomen. Within a few days, Debra felt persistent, agonizing pains in her lower belly. The area also became swollen and tender. Debra was alone most of the time—her elder son had already moved out, and the younger one was in school during the day. She had trouble getting out of bed.

Debra called Perwaiz’s office for a prescription to help with the pain. When the medicine didn’t work, she called again. According to Debra, she spoke with Perwaiz directly. “Women all over the world go through this,” he told her. “You are just going to have to get used to the pain.” She was so out of it that she let the comment go. “I didn’t have the wherewithal to chew his head off,” she told me.  

One day a friend called to check on her and was alarmed to hear Debra cursing and not making sense. The friend drove to Debra’s house, and when nobody came to the door, she persuaded the landlord to open it. Inside, Debra was lying down; her skin was turning blue, and her stomach was so distended that she looked nine months pregnant. Her friend called 911, and an ambulance rushed Debra back to Chesapeake Regional.

Debra wondered if she was dying. In her head, she could hear a hymn her grandmother used to sing: 

I know it was the blood,

I know it was the blood,

I know it was the blood for me;

One day when I was lost

He died upon the cross,

I know it was the blood for me.

At the hospital, Debra learned that Perwaiz had removed more than her ovaries: Her uterus, cervix, and fallopian tubes were gone too. A diagnostic scan showed that a large amount of fluid had built up in her abdomen, and labs indicated that she had severe acute renal failure. There was also a perforation in her bladder—one of six, she later learned, made during her surgery. She was in sepsis.

Debra remained in the hospital for several days. She slipped in and out of consciousness. At one point she thought she saw Perwaiz at the foot of her bed. He looked nervous to her; his hands were clasped. “He might have been praying, ‘Please live,’ ” Debra said.

Debra knew about the history of coerced sterilization in America, of doctors persuading women of color to undergo unnecessary hysterectomies or performing the surgeries against their will. She couldn’t help but see her case in that context.

She did live. She had to wear a catheter for several weeks, but she got better. The long recovery gave Debra time to think on what she wanted to do about the man who had hurt her. “I’m gonna get this motherfucker—that’s how I was feeling in my head,” she said. “You don’t want to mess with me. I got teeth. I spit sulfuric acid.”

She requested her medical records and was stunned to find discrepancies with what Perwaiz had said to her during appointments. Most glaringly, she didn’t see any mention of precancerous cells on her cervix; the tests Perwaiz performed on her had come back normal. “If I was normal,” Debra said, “why did I have a surgery?”

There were other inconsistencies. One form from an appointment described Debra complaining of back and pelvic pain, which she told me she never did. Another document dated the day before her surgery stated that she “insisted on having those ovaries removed through the abdominal wall incision and not vaginally,” and that the “consent obtained after entirely counseling the patient [was] for abdominal hysterectomy.” In fact, she had requested the opposite surgical approach, and she recalled no such conversation with Perwaiz; the only time she’d spoken with him in the lead-up to her procedure was in passing in the hospital hallway.

Debra was sure she had a malpractice case. She went to several lawyers, but none of them would take her on as a client. “So many men—man after man saying, ‘You had a decent amount of care, and that’s all you’re afforded,’ ” she said. Frustrated, she came up with a new plan: “I said, ‘Alright, I’m going to learn how to sue this bastard myself.’ ” (Perwaiz declined to comment for this story.)

Debra enrolled in a paralegal program at Tidewater Community College. She learned how to research case law, how to write briefs, and how to file a suit. She didn’t have an Internet connection at home, so she used a law library at a nearby university to access everything she needed. She meticulously highlighted key phrases in her medical records and made notes in graceful cursive. When requesting materials for her case from health care providers, she signed emails “respectfully,” but she was not sorry to bother anyone. She followed up. She was tenacious. To get anything done, she knew that she had to rely on herself. “I was now acutely aware that people can’t be trusted,” she said.

As it is in much of the U.S., the statute of limitations for malpractice in the state of Virginia is two years from the date of occurrence. Debra filed her suit on December 23, 2014, six days shy of the cutoff. She asked for $1.5 million in punitive damages and to be compensated for loss of enjoyment of life, loss of the ability to reproduce, and diminished sexual intimacy, as well as lost wages and medical expenses.

Someone told her to file the suit in state court, but Debra declined. She knew about the history of coerced sterilization in America, of doctors persuading women of color to undergo unnecessary hysterectomies or performing the surgeries against their will. She couldn’t help but see her case in that context. She believed that the suit belonged in federal court because Perwaiz had violated her most fundamental rights.

A judge disagreed. In January 2015, Debra was asked to provide a valid reason why hers should be a federal case, and not one decided by a lower court. She responded with documentation explaining her position, but that May her case was dismissed for lack of jurisdiction. She appealed the decision, until one day she missed a filing deadline. According to Debra, she hadn’t received paperwork she needed to complete until the day before it was due, and there was no way she could get it to the court on time.

Just like that, her legal campaign to hold Perwaiz accountable was finished. But there were more patients like Debra, more women Perwaiz had injured. There were numerous dots waiting to be connected—someone just had to come along and do it.

2.

Javaid Perwaiz was born in a village in Pakistan that had no electricity or running water. He went to college, then medical school, graduating in 1973. He moved to the United States the following year, alone and knowing very little English. He worked as a surgical assistant at a hospital while he applied to be a medical resident. After completing his residency, he took a job at a private practice in the Portsmouth area, sharing an office with two other physicians. He struck out on his own in 1982.

If his online reviews were any indication, over the next thirty-plus years Perwaiz amassed a devoted following of patients. “Dr. Perwaiz is amazing. I had an issue that previous Dr’s kept putting off and he scheduled surgery for it immediately,” one review read. “He listens, he’s very understanding, and I’d never go anywhere else.” Some reviewers stated that Perwaiz had delivered both them and their children. “I love you and my family does as well,” another wrote. Perwaiz, that reviewer continued, will “go down in history as the best.”

All of Perwaiz’s staff were women, and they were fond of him, too. It helped that his practice did very well: He saw a lot of patients, many of whom underwent surgery, and money rolled in. Perwaiz took his staff to nice restaurants. He wrote their names in red ink on their birthdays in his appointment book so he wouldn’t forget to buy them gifts, often expensive flower arrangements. He sometimes paid for employees’ vacations or bought them chic accessories. The staff joked that after insurance clerk Diane Coleman became visibly upset about something that happened in the office, she could expect a new purse from Perwaiz in the next few days.

If Perwaiz had a deputy in the office, it was Margo Stone, who graduated from nursing school in 1985 and started working for Perwaiz a few years later. For a time, Stone and Perwaiz were romantically involved, and Perwaiz became close with Stone’s two sons. The romance didn’t last, but Perwaiz remained an important part of the lives of Stone and her boys. They celebrated holidays and birthdays together. Perwaiz had the license plate for one of his cars customized to bear the boys’ initials. One of the sons recorded the outgoing message on Perwaiz’s phone. “You have reached Henry and John’s papa,” he said.

Perwaiz regularly gave Stone gifts, including several watches worth about $2,000 apiece. The pair also shared an American Express card, and Perwaiz helped pay for Stone’s sons’ education. Over the years that they worked together, the gifts, tuition, and other financial assistance Perwaiz gave Stone added up to several hundred thousand dollars. (Stone declined an interview request.)

In addition to seeing patients in her capacity as a nurse, Stone took on administrative duties at Perwaiz’s practice, including maintaining the payroll and keeping medical supplies stocked. The staff treated her as a go-between, someone they could talk to if they wanted something changed at the office. Perwaiz respected Stone’s opinion; he listened whenever she made suggestions.

It was Stone the staff turned to about Perwaiz’s approach to sanitizing medical devices. One of the procedures he often performed on patients was a hysteroscopy, which involves inserting a long, thin tube with a light at the end through the vagina and cervix to examine the uterus. Hysteroscopies are used to diagnose and, when necessary, remove polyps, fibroids, and other growths that cause gynecological issues, including abdominal pain and vaginal bleeding. Per office protocol, the scopes Perwaiz used in these procedures were supposed to be sterilized between uses, a process that took 12 to 15 minutes. But Perwaiz sometimes didn’t want to wait that long. According to Lisa Strong, a medical assistant, on busy days Perwaiz told her to just rinse the scopes between appointments.

The staff approached Stone about the matter, and she took it to Perwaiz. He agreed to abide by the rules. Above the sink where the scopes were cleaned, an employee placed a yellow sticky note with “soak for 12 minutes” written on it in large bubble letters.

Time was of the essence because Perwaiz performed a lot of hysteroscopies—so many, in fact, that he became the subject of an insurance inquiry. In July 2012, a week prior to Debra’s first appointment with Perwaiz, an employee at Optima Health raised an internal alert: The insurance company had recently received two suspicious requests from Perwaiz’s office for approval of hysteroscopies. In one instance, the patient had undergone the same procedure three weeks prior, yet nothing in Perwaiz’s clinical notes acknowledged it or indicated a change in the patient’s status that would necessitate another so soon. In the second instance, Optima denied the request because the patient’s medical records showed no justification for the procedure: There wasn’t documentation of heavy bleeding, for instance, or of the failure of more conservative treatments to resolve the patient’s issues. The same day Perwaiz received Optima’s reply, he asked the insurer to reconsider, and he provided a note that mirrored its concerns exactly. He said that the patient was bleeding all the time, and that neither oral contraceptives nor anti-inflammatory pain relievers were helping.

Optima, which has since changed its name to Sentara Health Plans, opened an investigation into possible “overutilization,” the insurance industry’s term for medically inappropriate care. Over the next several months, the company compiled some troubling data on Perwaiz’s practice. Nearly 11 percent of Perwaiz’s patients received a diagnostic hysteroscopy (an examination), and 12 percent underwent a surgical hysteroscopy (the removal of tissue), while other ob-gyns in Virginia who took Optima plans performed those procedures on just 1 percent of their patients. While 44 percent of Perwaiz’s patients who had a diagnostic hysteroscopy went on to have a surgical one, among his peers this happened so infrequently that the figure wasn’t statistically significant. Optima also reviewed the medical records of 20 of Perwaiz’s patients, chosen at random, and found that half contained discrepancies between Perwaiz’s notes and observations about procedures, and the pathology reports that came back from outside labs.

According to the National Health Care Anti-Fraud Association, “Performing medically unnecessary services solely for the purpose of generating insurance payments” is one of the most common types of medical scams. Another is “falsifying a patient’s diagnosis and medical record to justify tests, surgeries, or other procedures.” But was Perwaiz committing fraud, or was he just a bad doctor—sloppy perhaps, and overzealous too?

Greg Merti, a medical director with Optima, visited Perwaiz’s practice in May 2013 to speak with him about the investigation’s findings. The pair met in Perwaiz’s private office. Hanging on the wall were photos of Stone’s sons. Perwaiz had a massive wooden desk with a file tray and lamp. Notably absent was a PC—Perwaiz refused to use one, preferring to keep patients’ files in paper form. His staff were tasked with anything that required a computer, including filing insurance claims, updating hospital records, and renewing Perwaiz’s credentials with the state.

The two men spoke for just under an hour. Merti told Perwaiz that he was an outlier in terms of the number of hysteroscopies he performed. Perwaiz defended his decision-making, but he also expressed an interest in improving patient care and being transparent with Optima. When Merti suggested implementation of an “improvement plan,” Perwaiz was receptive. Merti later stated under oath that he took Perwaiz “at his word.” Whether or not the topic was broached, an improvement plan likely would have saved Optima money, since Perwaiz billed the company every time he performed a procedure on a patient covered by one of its plans.

Two years later, in 2015, Optima ran numbers on the costs and performance of its in-network providers. The results showed that Perwaiz was still an outlier: He was in the 97th percentile of doctors doing hysteroscopies, hysterectomies, and transvaginal ultrasounds, meaning that only 3 percent of providers in Optima’s network performed those procedures more often than he did. Merti spoke with Perwaiz again and told him that if he wished to change his approach to patient care, he could reach out for assistance. According to Merti, Perwaiz never did.

In a statement, Dale Gauding, a spokesperson for Sentara Health Plans, said the company “followed best practices” in its communications with Perwaiz. “There are strict criteria for peer review interventions,” Gauding said, “and utilization issues are not reportable to the state Board of Medicine.”

Perwaiz performed hysteroscopies at his private practice, but more complex procedures required using facilities at a hospital or surgery center. On Saturdays, Perwaiz had surgical privileges at Chesapeake Regional, meaning that his background and credentials had been screened and he was approved to operate at the hospital. It was a standard arrangement: Chesapeake Regional made money by billing a patient’s insurer for costs associated with Perwaiz’s use of its facilities.

One of the nurses Perwaiz worked with at Chesapeake Regional was Lisa Atkinson. At first, Atkinson had a good impression of Perwaiz, finding him pleasant and professional. She also saw that he worked much faster than other surgeons. His hysterectomies took between 20 and 30 minutes, while other providers required at least an hour. He packed his schedule too; no ob-gyn came close to performing as many surgeries at Chesapeake Regional. According to data compiled by the hospital, in 2017 Perwaiz performed 220 surgeries there. The next-highest number for an ob-gyn operating at the facility was 150.

By then, Atkinson’s opinion of Perwaiz had shifted. It started with a concerning encounter she had with him in 2014. One of Perwaiz’s patients came in for what was described on the day’s surgery schedule as the removal of her uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes, and ovaries. This conflicted with the patient’s consent form, on which she had agreed to have only her uterus and cervix taken out. “We are not doing the ovaries?” Atkinson asked the woman directly. “Nope,” she replied. Atkinson assumed that there was an error on the surgery schedule, the kind of thing that’s usually cleared up before an operation begins.

After the patient was under anesthesia, Perwaiz completed his pre-op paperwork, then the surgical team assembled for what’s known as a time-out: Before an incision is made, everyone in the operating room discusses the specifics of the procedure, whether the patient has any allergies or known health risks, and other crucial matters. It was during the time-out, when Atkinson was looking at the paperwork Perwaiz had just finalized, that she noticed a change on the patient’s consent form. Since she’d last seen it, the words “bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy”—the medical terminology for the removal of the ovaries and fallopian tubes—had been added in small, swooping letters in the right margin. The handwriting was Perwaiz’s.

When Atkinson asked about the addition, Perwaiz readily admitted to making it. Legally, Atkinson knew she needed either the patient or a designated proxy to sign off on the change to the form before surgery began, so she went to the waiting room to speak with the patient’s husband. According to Atkinson, the husband assumed that ovary removal was part of a hysterectomy. Atkinson explained that it was not. “Well, if it has to be done,” the man replied. He deferred to his wife’s doctor and signed the form.

After the surgery, hoping to gain more clarity about what had happened, Atkinson spoke with two pre-op nurses who had worked with the patient. They told her that the patient had been adamant that she wasn’t having her ovaries removed—not casual about it, like when Atkinson spoke with her, but definitive. The next day, Atkinson sent an email to her supervisor. “I feel as though we performed an assault on the patient if she truly did not want to have her ovaries removed. This just really bothers me,” Atkinson wrote. “I suppose we are covered by having her husband sign the consent, but it should have never come to that.”

Atkinson never learned what if anything the hospital did with the information she provided, or what happened with the patient. All she knew was that Perwaiz kept operating at Chesapeake Regional, which meant that she kept working with him. (The hospital declined to comment for this story.)

Other nurses raised red flags about Perwaiz. On alternating Fridays, he operated at a facility called Bon Secours Surgery Center at Harbour View. Some doctors who use Harbour View have an ownership share in the business, and Perwaiz was among them; his photo was mounted on an interior wall. Nurse Jean Kennedy found Perwaiz’s routine chaotic. He’d regularly perform between ten and fourteen surgeries per day, while other surgeons at Harbour View typically did two or three. Patients tended to arrive at the same time, early in the morning, as if they’d all been scheduled simultaneously, and it was left to the nurses to figure out how to slot the procedures. Perwaiz was known to work in two or three rooms at a time, shuttling from one anesthetized patient to another, and to begin filling out post-op charts before surgery.  

The staff called these operating days “Perwaiz-a-thons.” The pace worried Kennedy. “To me, it was an open[ing] for risk of mistakes, errors,” she later stated under oath. Kennedy and other Harbour View employees spoke to their supervisors about their concerns, and around 2009 there was a staff meeting where nurses reported that they didn’t like how fast they were asked to work when Perwaiz was on the schedule. They also said that some of his patients didn’t seem to know what kind of surgery they were having.

Perwaiz wasn’t at the meeting, but the administrator of Harbour View was. So was his boss, the regional coordinator for United Surgical Partners International, which owned the facility. Afterward, according to hospital staff, the Perwaiz-a-thons continued. Staff were told to fill out incident reports when something happened that seemed like cause for concern.

In a statement, a spokesperson for Harbour View said the facility was “unaware that Perwaiz was performing medically unnecessary procedures on his patients,” and noted that “his medical license, as granted by the state of Virginia and subject to review by the Medical Board of Virginia, was unrestricted and in good standing” for the duration of his time working at the surgery center.

Jen wanted to start seeing a gynecologist, but as anyone who’s ever been to one knows, the initial appointment can be especially stressful. You have to take off your clothes and open your body and your life to a stranger.

Perwaiz wasn’t just performing surgeries on a lot of patients—in some cases, he was performing a lot of surgeries on a single patient. Carol White, a nurse at Harbour View, saw this pattern plainly. Before the surgery center switched to computerized charts, staff added a sticker to a patient’s file when they came in for a procedure. White found it odd that there were long rows of stickers in the records of some of Perwaiz’s younger patients, who were statistically less likely to require multiple gynecological surgeries.

One of the patients who had multiple surgeries with Perwaiz was Jen*, who moved from New York City to Virginia in 2006. She wanted to start seeing a gynecologist, but as anyone who’s ever been to one knows, the initial appointment can be especially stressful. You have to take off your clothes and open your body and your life to a stranger. Topics of discussion are immediately intimate: Do you want to have children? How many sexual partners do you have? Have you ever had a sexually transmitted infection?

Jen felt like she’d be in good hands when a coworker recommended Perwaiz. The coworker had been a patient of his for years; he had delivered her kids. Jen made an appointment.

Jen was glad to see a diverse group of patients when she arrived at the office: old and young, pregnant and not, white and also Black like her. She liked Perwaiz right away. “He was super cool, very easy to like,” she told me. Over time she noticed that he had expensive taste in cars. She’d see his Mercedes in the parking lot, or his Jaguar.

Her first surgical procedure with Perwaiz took place about a year after she became his patient. After doing an exam, he told her she had HPV and recommended removing abnormal tissue he’d identified. He set up an outpatient appointment for her.

A few years later, in 2012, Jen told Perwaiz that she was experiencing abdominal discomfort, and after she had an ultrasound, he told her that she had a fibroid. He put her on birth control, a common treatment for the symptoms of fibroids, which include pain and bleeding. When that didn’t help, Perwaiz suggested that she might have endometriosis, a condition where tissue similar to the kind lining the uterus grows elsewhere in the body. Endometriosis can cause intense pain as well as infertility, and sometimes the only way to diagnose it definitively is via a surgical procedure known as a laparoscopy: A doctor makes a small incision in the abdomen, then inserts a scope to look for evidence of the disease.

According to a recent study in the journal Obstetrics and Gynecology, it can take patients as long as 11 years to finally be diagnosed with endometriosis. In part, researchers found, this is because of the normalization of gynecological pain: Patients and health care providers alike often see this kind of discomfort as a fact to be tolerated, not a condition to treat. Moreover, some doctors lack sufficient knowledge of endometriosis to help patients who suffer from it. Yet here was Perwaiz taking what Jen said seriously and offering to help her. She agreed to have the laparoscopy.

Not long after scheduling the procedure, Jen had an appointment at her general practitioner’s office. She told the medical assistant that she was having a laparoscopy soon. The assistant asked who her doctor was. After Jen gave Perwaiz’s name, the assistant said something she found strange: “Everybody I know who goes to him has to get that same surgery.”

Based on the laparoscopy, Perwaiz diagnosed Jen with endometriosis. From then on, it felt to Jen like every time she saw Perwaiz, he told her she needed another procedure. She got fibroids and cysts removed. She began to feel anxious whenever she had an appointment, to the point that she sometimes had to take a Xanax to calm down. “I was just afraid that he was going to tell me I needed surgery again,” she said.

In 2018, when Perwaiz told her that she had another cyst, Jen said she didn’t want it removed. She was done with surgeries. She asked what would happen if she didn’t have the procedure. Perwaiz told her that he could monitor the cyst to see if it grew. Jen hadn’t realized that this was an option; she couldn’t recall Perwaiz informing her about it during previous appointments.

About a year later, she had an ultrasound at Perwaiz’s office. Afterward he told her that the cyst was gone. Jen was glad, but later she wondered: If a cyst could resolve on its own, had Perwaiz really needed to remove all the others?

In mid-2019, a patient came into the waiting room and began yelling that all Perwaiz wanted to do was cut people open. The woman was put in an empty exam room, and Perwaiz told staff that she just wanted more pain medication, that she was an addict.

The medical technician who performed the ultrasound on Jen was Courtney Ciccone. But Ciccone was more than Perwaiz’s employee: She was also his patient. In fact, Perwaiz treated several of his staff. He also treated some of their family members. Lisa Strong, the medical assistant Perwaiz once instructed to rinse scopes instead of sterilizing them, recommended that her mother start seeing him.

Strong would later testify that she did this in spite of growing unease about her boss. She was often in the room when Perwaiz saw patients, and she noticed that he sometimes put a detail in a chart that didn’t correspond with what had happened in an appointment: He’d write that a patient’s menstrual cycles lasted longer than they reported, for instance, or list a lower blood pressure reading than what Strong had measured. Still, she thought Perwaiz was a good doctor. “I felt that he would take good care of my mother, which he did,” she said under oath. “And with me being there to, I’ll just use the word oversee things, not that I even really had to with her, I felt comfortable.”

In 2016, Strong’s adult son died. She took time off work to grieve, and her mindset about Perwaiz changed. She felt guilty for sensing that things weren’t right at the practice and not acting, and she decided that she had to quit. It was a difficult choice; she needed the job. But she finally gave notice in the summer of 2018.

Before she left, Strong spoke regularly with Diane Coleman regarding her concerns about Perwaiz. Coleman, who handled insurance claims for the practice, had some of her own. From her desk, she sometimes heard patients in the hallway make comments about having to get yet another surgery. She knew that most of the patients who had repeat surgeries were on Medicaid. In mid-2019, a patient came into the waiting room and began yelling that all Perwaiz wanted to do was cut people open. The woman was put in an empty exam room, and Perwaiz told staff that she just wanted more pain medication, that she was an addict.

Coleman later stated under oath that Chesapeake Regional at one point asked Perwaiz to start scheduling and billing abdominal hysterectomies as inpatient procedures, since they usually required an overnight stay post-op. Perwaiz didn’t want to do this, because insurance companies took longer to authorize inpatient procedures; calling them outpatient made for less hassle. According to Coleman, Perwaiz said that if Chesapeake Regional didn’t like his approach, he’d take his surgeries elsewhere.

The sheer number of procedures Perwaiz performed meant that Coleman sometimes worked seven days a week doing data entry and filing insurance paperwork. On weekends, when Perwaiz was done with his surgeries, he’d typically text Coleman to let her know, so she could use her work laptop to enter post-op information into the hospital’s computer system. Doctors usually did this themselves, but Perwaiz had Coleman do it because of his aversion to computers. Among other things, he would tell her when he’d altered a surgical plan in some way, since it affected the bill sent to the patient’s insurance provider. Coleman noticed that Perwaiz’s changes almost always involved adding components or complexity to surgeries. A vaginal hysterectomy became an abdominal one; ovaries were taken out along with a uterus. In general, the more complicated a surgery, the larger the insurance reimbursement.

Coleman took issue with the way Perwaiz worked, and she thought that he didn’t always give her the respect she deserved. She was feeling particularly stressed and underappreciated in September 2019, when an FBI agent knocked on her door. The bureau wanted to talk to her about her boss. Coleman immediately said that Perwaiz was an asshole.

By then federal agents already knew that at least one other person felt the same way: Debra.

3.

The FBI declined to comment for this story, and the bureau has never revealed exactly why it started investigating Perwaiz. All it has said is that, in 2018, an anonymous tip came in from someone at Harbour View—a nurse, perhaps, or another staff member suspicious about the Perwaiz-a-thons at the surgery center.

As the FBI began to dig into Perwaiz’s past, it found a complaint Debra had filed with Virginia’s medical board as part of her quest to hold Perwaiz responsible for performing surgery on her that she didn’t want. In February 2019, Debra got home from work and found a business card on her front door from an FBI agent, along with a note requesting that she get in touch. Debra didn’t know what the feds wanted with her, but she figured it must be serious. She called right away and made an appointment to visit the bureau’s Norfolk office.

When she arrived, Debra found a district attorney and two investigators waiting for her; all three were women. When they told her they wanted to speak with her about Perwaiz, Debra broke down. One of the women handed her a tissue and told her to take her time. “They patted me on the back, they comforted me, and then they gave me hope,” Debra said.

It had been several years since her surgery, years when she’d felt utterly alone and furious that Perwaiz was getting away with malpractice. “I thought nobody was listening to me. I felt like the system had failed me,” Debra said. “But these three women picked up the ball and they ran with it. They made me feel like I was a part of it.” She told them her story and agreed to cooperate going forward.

By the time the FBI got to Diane Coleman’s door several months later, investigators were looking for current patient records. They wanted to prove that Perwaiz was still doing the kind of thing Debra claimed he’d done to her. At first, Coleman was hesitant to cooperate, but at the end of her conversation with the agent who visited her, she walked to her car and grabbed some documents; she was often so busy that she had to bring work home with her.

Coleman shared the documents with the agent. It felt like the right thing to do. Over the next several weeks, she provided investigators with additional materials, including at least one document Perwaiz had planned to destroy.

Perwaiz kept a bin under his desk, and whatever he put in it was supposed to be shredded by an employee once a week. The document Coleman came across was a standard patient-intake form; it had been filled out, but there was an X drawn across it. Coleman checked the patient’s file and found another copy of the form. She later testified that Perwaiz had “rewritten” the form, filling it in with “different” information: The version he wanted shredded indicated that the patient had no gynecological complaints, while the one on file described them reporting pelvic pain and pressure, persistent cramps, and irregular periods. Any of those symptoms might justify gynecological surgery. Coleman shared both versions of the intake form with the FBI.

Coleman also told agents about Layla*, a patient who in the past few months had experienced some serious health issues. Intermittent but severe uterine bleeding had landed Layla in the ICU, where she required transfusions. After her hospital stay she followed up with Perwaiz, who had been her ob-gyn since 2014. Based on a physical exam and an ultrasound in February 2019, Perwaiz told Layla that she had fibroids that needed to be removed, because they were large and might be cancerous. (The vast majority of fibroids are benign.) Perwaiz performed a procedure known as dilation and curettage to scrape the fibroids from Layla’s uterine wall.  

Layla went back to Perwaiz that September. She wasn’t having her period, which meant that she might not be ovulating, and she wanted to have a baby. Layla underwent an ultrasound on September 26, after which Perwaiz told her that she had a small fibroid he wanted to remove before it got any larger. (Fibroids can disrupt a person’s menstrual cycle.) Layla agreed to have the procedure the following month. 

But while reviewing Layla’s file, Coleman noticed that, in fact, her most recent ultrasound didn’t show any fibroids at all. Perwaiz had scheduled Layla for a procedure to remove a growth there was no evidence she even had. In the plainest of terms, he seemed to be lying. Coleman provided the FBI with a copy of the surgical plan for Layla’s procedure, along with the conflicting ultrasound results.

On October 10, investigators visited Layla at her home. They said that they had reason to believe Perwaiz was performing unnecessary procedures on patients, including her. They talked about what was in her medical file, the information that didn’t match up. In addition to the normal ultrasound results, Perwaiz had noted in her file that she was experiencing heavy, painful periods, when in fact she wasn’t menstruating at all.

The investigators asked Layla to call Perwaiz to talk about her upcoming surgery, to see what he said. The FBI would record the conversation. Layla was on hold with a receptionist for a few minutes before Perwaiz picked up the phone. “I have some quick questions for you,” Layla said.

She told him that her boyfriend wanted to know more about the surgery she was scheduled for. Could Perwaiz explain the procedure? Perwaiz told her that it was for fibroid removal. Layla then asked how long she’d need to be off work, since she was starting a new job. He told her one week. She asked why the recovery was longer this time than it had been for her last surgery.

“Because we’re making a bikini incision,” Perwaiz said, referring to a type of surgical cut in the abdomen.

“You didn’t cut me in that area last time, so why are you cutting me in that area this time?” Layla asked.

“Because we are removing the tumor. These are big tumors, you cannot remove them through [a] belly-button incision.”

Perwaiz was describing multiple large fibroids, not a single small one, contradicting what he previously told Layla about why she needed surgery. She had caught him in a lie.

“Are there any other options as far as the surgery?” Layla asked. “That sounds kind of scary.”

“Then don’t do it,” Perwaiz said. “We’ll cancel it and hopefully you get pregnant. How about that?”

Layla agreed, they said their goodbyes, and she hung up the phone.

On Monday, October 28, two special agents from the Department of Health and Human Services and the Virginia Medicaid Fraud Control Unit arrived unannounced at Perwaiz’s practice. The agents, Tamika Williams and Paul Hastings, were shown to Perwaiz’s private office, where they introduced themselves and showed him their credentials. They said that they had a complaint they needed to resolve, which required asking Perwaiz some questions.

They started off with a basic one: How many patients did he see in his practice? “Thousands,” Perwaiz replied. “I’ve been in practice for 39 years. One hundred patients a week, 400 maybe a month, maybe 5,000 a year.” The agents asked some more general questions about Perwaiz’s office and the types of procedures he did there, including hysteroscopies. Perwaiz described the procedure and answered questions about the equipment he used. Then he excused himself to see a patient.

When he got back to the office, Perwaiz abruptly ended the interview. “If there’s any complaint, I absolutely want that addressed,” he said. “But I don’t think I should answer these questions anymore. I have already probably answered too many.”

The next day, the FBI raided his office. Agents took medical devices and the contents of trash cans. They snapped photos. And they seized medical records, loads of them. They took more than 3,400 files from shelves in the front office and from a storage space in the attic. The material filled 80 bankers boxes.

After the raid, authorities assumed that because he was under investigation, Perwaiz would voluntarily stop seeing patients. But he didn’t. One of the women still in his care was Tessa*.

Tessa is an exuberant person—she likes to sing and is quick to laugh. She was once in an abusive marriage but got out with her three children. She went back to school and remarried, and soon she wanted to have a child with her new husband. Tessa was in her forties then, but other women in her family had had kids later in their reproductive years, so she thought she could, too. Then her general practitioner identified what might be a tumor in her uterus and referred her to Perwaiz.

At her first appointment, according to Tessa, Perwaiz looked at an ultrasound from her GP’s office and confirmed that she had a tumor. He told Tessa that if she didn’t have a hysterectomy soon, she would get cancer. She asked if there were other options, since she wanted to have another baby. Perwaiz said no.

Tessa’s mother, grandmother, grandfather, and uncle had all died within two years of each other. Her father had just survived his second bout with cancer. She was overwhelmed by the stress of all the illness and loss around her, and she worried about her kids being left without a family if something happened to her. She agreed to have a hysterectomy but decided to keep her ovaries. Her surgery was scheduled for October 19.

Tessa had complications from the operation almost immediately. She called Perwaiz’s office to let him know that she was going to need more than a three-day prescription for pain medication. She could tolerate a lot—she had delivered three kids, after all—but this was too much. Perwaiz told her to take two Tylenol.

Tessa didn’t get mad, just like she hadn’t when she was still in the hospital and Perwaiz told her, “Good luck having more babies.” However intended, it seemed like a cruel thing to say to someone who’d just had her uterus removed. But Tessa didn’t want to come off as a stereotypical angry Black woman, so she kept her mouth shut.

On October 26, Tessa’s postoperative pain got so severe that she went to the emergency room. When she explained her situation, staff members remarked that she’d seen “the weekend doctor.” Tessa didn’t know what that meant, so someone explained that they were talking about Perwaiz, “because he does so many surgeries over the weekend.”

Tessa went home the next day, but the pain didn’t go away. She also felt faint and short of breath. Her husband took her to the general practitioner who’d referred her to Perwaiz, and the doctor expressed surprise that Tessa had undergone major surgery so soon after Perwaiz first saw her.

The GP did an ultrasound, then sent Tessa back to the ER, where she had a CT scan. After reviewing the imaging, her doctor told Tessa that her ovaries were gone. Perwaiz had removed them, forcing her into early menopause. 

A few days later, in early November, Tessa was at home in bed recovering from the ordeal when Perwaiz’s face appeared on the local news. She screamed. Her husband, who was cooking dinner, ran into the room.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“This motherfucker is on TV!” Tessa said.

Perwaiz had been arrested. He was charged with just two counts: health care fraud and making false statements relating to health care matters. The prosecutor’s office expected that there would be more charges, but it decided to proceed with the first two to compel Perwaiz to cease practicing.

4.

One by one, Perwaiz’s patients learned of his arrest. Jen looked at a news site on her work computer and saw his face on her screen. Another patient got a text about Perwaiz from her cousin and thought, That’s weird—that’s my doctor’s name. It took a second for it to click: He was her doctor. Brittni DuPuy-German was one of the last patients Perwaiz ever saw; she had an appointment with him on November 7, the day before his arrest, and he’d scheduled her for surgery. She found out that he was behind bars when a friend texted her a news article.

Debra hadn’t told anyone she was talking to the FBI, but her loved ones knew about her effort to sue Perwaiz. When they heard about his arrest, they celebrated with her. Got him! they said. Debra agreed to be a witness at Perwaiz’s trial: She was ready to do everything she could to make sure he never saw another patient.

Within weeks of Perwaiz’s arrest, the FBI was contacted by hundreds of people he’d treated. Some were sure they’d had surgeries they didn’t need. Others were just now realizing that might be the case. Many didn’t know what to think, but were scared. “This man may have very well taken any ability I had to bear children of my own forever,” one email stated. Another read, “I have recently learned that I’m missing a fallopian tube and an ovary.” The flood of contacts became so great that the government set up a hotline for potential victims.

The following June, the prosecutor’s office filed a new indictment against Perwaiz, expanding its case against him. It listed 26 counts of health care fraud and 32 counts of making false statements relating to health care matters. There were also three counts of aggravated identity theft: Perwaiz was accused of using patients’ names and Medicaid information to try to obtain insurance money.

The details in the indictment were shocking. The government accused Perwaiz of “routinely” lying to patients and falsifying medical records in order to perform unnecessary surgeries. He told numerous patients that they had cancer when they didn’t, scaring them into hysterectomies insurers reimbursed him for. He told other patients, including Layla, that they had fibroids or cysts that would become cancerous if entire organs weren’t removed immediately, when in fact the accepted standard of care for those conditions called for far more conservative treatments, such as monitoring or medication, before surgery. One woman who began seeing Perwaiz after she had an abnormal pap smear in 2012 told investigators that she underwent no fewer than seven procedures, including a diagnostic hysteroscopy and a laparoscopy, in just nine months. Later she had a hysterectomy. Perwaiz told the patient’s insurer that the reason for the hysterectomy was uterine prolapse, a condition the patient was never diagnosed with.

Perwaiz was also accused of inducing labor before 39 weeks so patients would give birth on days he was already scheduled to perform surgeries, thus ensuring that he, and not some other doctor on call at the hospital, received the insurance payments associated with the deliveries. Of the more than 80 births Perwaiz billed Medicaid and Tricare, another insurer, for in 2019, at least 33 involved patients induced before 39 weeks with no medical indication that they needed it. (Early induction is not recommended unless the health of a fetus or the person carrying it is at risk.) According to the indictment, to avoid dealing with questions from insurers, Perwaiz sometimes falsified a patient’s estimated due date so it appeared they were past 39 weeks when he induced them.

Many of the patients listed in the indictment described suffering “serious bodily injury” as a result of what Perwaiz did. But there were also allegations of crimes involving no bodies at all. The indictment stated that, between 2010 and 2019, Perwaiz billed insurers for more than $2.3 million in procedures and surgeries, including “hysteroscopies and colposcopies, that he did not actually perform.” In other words, there were procedures he’d simply made up.

The more money Perwaiz made, the more the hospitals where he performed surgeries benefited. According to trial testimony, from 2010 to 2019 Chesapeake Regional made $18.4 million from Perwaiz’s use of its facilities, while Harbour View made $3.1 million.

Perwaiz’s trial began in October 2020, and lasted four and a half weeks. Former employees, coworkers, and patients took the stand to testify about what they’d seen and experienced at Perwaiz’s practice or while under his care. A nurse described complications suffered by babies Perwaiz delivered via unnecessary early induction. Women described the trauma of realizing that they’d had organs removed without their consent or surgeries based on false diagnoses. One former patient said that she was so scared when Perwaiz told her she would likely get cancer if she didn’t have surgery that she left his office and immediately bought life insurance.

During Debra’s testimony, the prosecution shared documents related to her surgery, including her consent form, where someone had scribbled “possible abdominal hysterectomy.” Debra didn’t remember seeing those words on the form when she signed it. Perwaiz’s progress notes on the procedure also contradicted what he and Debra had talked about in her appointments. “Patient wants to have ovaries removed through abdominal incision,” Perwaiz wrote. “Risks/benefits, including need and risks of hormones, explained at length. All her questions answered.” Meanwhile, the post-op report stated that after Perwaiz closed her up, he was alerted to blood in Debra’s urine, but he decided it wasn’t enough to worry about and sent her to recovery.

“I did not tell you to cut my guts,” Debra said on the stand. “That wasn’t what was agreed upon.”

Some of Perwaiz’s staff who were also his patients described seeing procedures they hadn’t consented to described in their own medical files. Additionally, employees testified that they were instructed to write details of patients’ medical histories and complaints on Post-it notes during appointments, leaving Perwaiz to transcribe them himself into the patients’ files later.

Margo Stone, the longtime nurse in Perwaiz’s office who was also his ex-girlfriend, agreed to testify against him in exchange for immunity; she had never reported the financial support he gave her to the IRS. Many former patients and staff learned at the trial that Perwaiz himself had a history of tax problems. In April 1996, he was convicted of filing false returns after he claimed the value of personal items, including a Ferrari and a Mercedes, as business expenses. He was put on probation and in-home confinement, and his medical license was briefly revoked. Two decades later, he lied on a form required by an insurance provider: When asked if he’d ever been convicted of a felony, Perwaiz indicated that he hadn’t—he characterized what happened in 1996 as merely “tax issues.”

Perwaiz told the same insurance provider that he’d never had his clinical privileges revoked by a medical facility, but investigators discovered that this also wasn’t true. In October 1983, Perwaiz lost his staff membership and surgical privileges at Maryview Hospital in Portsmouth after administrators found that he’d performed unnecessary procedures. That December, the CEO of Maryview, J. Bland Burkhardt, wrote a signed letter to his counterpart at Chesapeake General Hospital, Donald Buckley, alerting him that Maryview had cut ties with Perwaiz and explaining why. Chesapeake General would later be renamed Chesapeake Regional. (Buckley retired from the hospital in 2005 and now teaches at Eastern Virginia Medical School. He declined to be interviewed for this story.)

On June 22, 1984, the Virginia Board of Medicine sent an official notification to Perwaiz that he was being investigated regarding his time at Maryview. The letter detailed 11 instances in 1982 when he had performed a hysterectomy despite there being no medical indication that the patient needed the procedure. The same went for a diagnostic laparoscopy Perwaiz performed on a 17-year-old girl. The letter also noted that he’d had a sexual relationship with one of his patients, which Virginia law defines as unprofessional conduct that might be grounds for discipline.

Members of the medical board met on July 27 to determine Perwaiz’s professional fate. Based on evidence from the investigation, they had four options: They could exonerate him, reprimand or censure him, place him on probation, or recommend a formal hearing, where the question of revoking his medical license would be considered. The board chose to censure Perwaiz for poor record-keeping and for lack of professional judgment. The censures became part of his permanent record, and he continued treating patients and performing surgeries at hospitals where he had privileges.

In the ensuing years, there were at least four complaints about Perwaiz filed with the Virginia Department of Health Professions. One of them was submitted by Debra and had led the FBI to her door. At Perwaiz’s trial, the prosecution revealed a complaint from 2010 filed by a woman who felt Perwaiz had coerced her into inducing birth. WAVY, an NBC affiliate in Virginia, found another complaint about Perwaiz, this one filed by a woman named Linda Jackson on August 15, 2013, after a series of surgeries and complications. She believed that Perwaiz had harmed her and that Chesapeake Regional was covering for his mistakes. “Please help me!” Jackson wrote in her complaint. “I don’t know what to do!” In all three cases, the Virginia Board of Medicine did not pursue disciplinary proceedings. (The board declined to comment for this story, citing a Virginia law prohibiting it from doing so.)

The other known complaint, also found by WAVY, predated the others by at least two decades. On June 4, 1991, Susan Pullem wrote a letter asking the medical board to investigate Perwaiz. He had operated on her six times between April 1987 and July 1988, then performed a partial hysterectomy in October 1988. The following February, Pullem went to a new gynecologist, who told her that the hysterectomy had probably been unnecessary; had Pullem been his patient, he would have treated her symptoms with medication. The new doctor also told her that the lining of her vagina was “paper thin” because of the numerous procedures she’d had in such a brief span of time.

When bills arrived from Perwaiz’s office, Pullem refused to pay them. “The way I figure it, you owe me!” she wrote in an October 1990 letter to Perwaiz. “I am sure all of my surgeries bought you at least one or two more of the Mercedes that you are so fond of.”

Perwaiz sued Pullem for payment. In a letter submitted to the court, Pullem described what had happened to her and said that she’d spoken with dozens of other women who’d had similar experiences with Perwaiz. One woman told Pullem that Perwaiz had cut her bladder while performing a hysterectomy. “He didn’t even notice it and completed the surgery,” Pullem wrote. “This same woman was recently hospitalized again with complications from that surgery.” The situation sounded remarkably similar to what Debra endured beginning in 2012.  

“I hope that the courts will look at all of the evidence presented and come to the same conclusion that I have. Dr. Perwaiz is a disgrace to his profession and has taken advantage of trusting women for too long,” Pullem’s letter to the court continued. “Between the monies paid him by myself and the insurance companies, I feel he has been paid very well indeed for ruining my life.”

The court sided with Perwaiz. Pullem later filed her complaint with the state medical board. She said she never got a reply.

As Pullem professed, Perwaiz’s patients made him rich, a fact all the more disturbing because so many of them were Medicaid recipients, which by definition meant that they earned very little money. In the years immediately leading up to his arrest, Perwaiz made about $1 million annually. (Per the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average estimated salary of an ob-gyn in the United States in 2020 was about $239,000.) And the more money Perwaiz made, the more the hospitals where he performed surgeries benefited. According to trial testimony, from 2010 to 2019 Chesapeake Regional made $18.4 million from Perwaiz’s use of its facilities, while Harbour View made $3.1 million.

Throughout the trial, Perwaiz maintained that he was a good doctor who did right by his patients. In testimony, he said that the surgeries he performed were justified, even if his approach to paperwork left something to be desired. He said that he saw the number of patients he did because he didn’t want to turn people away, especially those who might not have reliable access to transportation. “I had a standing policy and instruction to my scheduling people that if a patient calls, new or an established patient, bring her in the day she wants to come in. And if it [was] that day, we made it happen,” he said. “It was never a[n] ‘I’m too busy’ kind of office.” Perwaiz attributed his rate of surgeries to his “patient mix,” as he put it. “Seventy-five or probably more close to 80 percent of my patients are Medicare/Medicaid patients,” he testified. “They’re [at] higher risk when they are pregnant, and they have more gynecological issues because they don’t do preventative things, and so forth.”

But the evidence against Perwaiz was overwhelming. On November 9, 2020, a year and one day after he was arrested, a jury found him guilty on 52 counts. He was sentenced to 59 years in prison and ordered to pay restitution of more than $18.5 million to the insurance companies he defrauded.

His former patients got nothing. Legally speaking they weren’t victims in the case—only the insurance companies were. In the eyes of the court, Perwaiz’s victims were witnesses, testifying about the wrongs done to insurers through the harm done to their bodies.

At the sentencing hearing, Tessa gave a statement addressing this fact. “Women have been fighting all of our lives to matter … just to be smacked in the face, a reality that we aren’t as important,” she said. Tessa described how she and other patients hurt by Perwaiz needed help: medical care, mental health support, financial compensation. But many of them couldn’t file a lawsuit even if they wanted to, because of Virginia’s statute of limitations on medical malpractice suits. “The fact that we have yet to find assistance,” she said, “is a clear statement that we still don’t matter.”

Perwaiz’s most recent patients were able to file suit, and more than a dozen did. Tessa was among them, and she eventually settled with Perwaiz out of court. When Brittni DuPuy-German filed her own suit, she named the Chesapeake Hospital Authority, the governing body of Chesapeake Regional, as a defendant alongside Perwaiz. DuPuy-German alleged that the hospital administration had been negligent in failing to properly evaluate his credentials and in granting him surgical privileges. Attorneys for the hospital argued that it wasn’t liable for Perwaiz’s actions.

In April 2021, a judge sided with DuPuy-German, but in the appeals process the hospital invoked sovereign immunity, a legal concept derived from English common law that prevents public entities from being sued. The Chesapeake Hospital Authority was established by the state legislature, and its members are appointed by the Chesapeake city council. In February 2022, a judge ruled in the authority’s favor and dismissed it from the lawsuit.

There is longstanding precedent in Virginia for the court’s decision. The legal logic is that public bodies must be able to perform their essential functions without fear of lawsuits. But according to critics of sovereign immunity, this can leave victims of institutional wrongdoing without recourse. “At Safeway, if there is a salad bar, and somebody slips and falls because an employee didn’t pick up the salad off the floor, then Safeway is vicariously liable for the actions of the employee—that’s a very typical arrangement,” said Anya Bidwell of the Institute for Justice, a public-interest law firm in Virginia. “But when it comes to government entities, they are somehow special, they are exempt from this…. What ends up happening is a culture of unaccountability.”    

DuPuy-German said that she feels Chesapeake Regional is “hiding behind sovereign immunity.” (She settled separately with Perwaiz.) “They pretty much got away with this,” she told me, “even though in my opinion they were just as negligent as him, because they were notified by multiple different people in their own facility, and they didn’t do anything about it.”

More than a half dozen suits are still working their way through the legal system, including one filed by Layla, who’d let the FBI record her phone call with Perwaiz. (She declined to be interviewed for this story on advice of her attorney.) But most of Perwaiz’s victims, of which there are likely hundreds, have been left without a clear path to restitution. The FBI designated a victim coordinator to connect former patients with mental health services and to communicate information about the investigation and trial to people requesting it. The bureau told potential victims that, as a first step in addressing any harm done to them, they could request their medical files from Perwaiz’s office.

Jen, who underwent multiple surgeries with Perwaiz, drove to his office to get her file. She recognized the female employee who was handing out documents to the former patients coming in the door. Jen also requested her records from Chesapeake Regional. She took everything to a new gynecologist, who didn’t see any evidence to validate the endometriosis diagnosis Perwaiz had given her. It was hard to hear, even harder to sit with. “I realized there really wasn’t going to be much I could do about it,” Jen said. When she sees a doctor now, Jen’s anxiety still spikes, but she also feels like she has a better understanding of what good care looks like.

Others haven’t been so lucky. Former patients who spoke at Perwaiz’s sentencing hearing or were interviewed for this story said they’ve struggled to find doctors to support them. When one woman told a new gynecologist what Perwaiz had done to her—a hysterectomy based on a false cancer diagnosis—the doctor said she should see it as a good thing, because it was a permanent form of birth control. “I let her finish her exam, I cried, and I left,” the woman said. Other former patients, including Tessa, said that they’d encountered health care providers who seemed to be on Perwaiz’s side. Tessa was in the middle of an exam when her new ob-gyn said that they’d heard Perwaiz was an awesome doctor.

“If an insurance company dies, nobody gets hurt,” Debra said. “But if I die, my sons grow up without a mom.”

After Perwaiz’s arrest, Tessa slipped into depression. She had panic attacks; she felt paranoid. She also experienced the effects of the early menopause—mood swings, specifically—brought on by a surgery she hadn’t consented to. “I have been battling through the stages of grief as if I lost someone, because I have. I’ve lost myself,” she said in her witness statement. “I’m not the woman I was before, and it’s a daily challenge trying to find myself again.”

When the trial ended, Tessa sent email messages to local politicians requesting support for Perwaiz’s victims. She asked that hospitals be held responsible when people are hurt in their facilities. She asked that laws be changed to protect women like her.

She never heard back.

Jen has talked to her therapist about Perwaiz, and she sees what he did as an all too common betrayal. “It’s somebody that you trusted. Somebody that you’re taught to trust your entire life. Somebody that you put your life in their hands,” Jen said. “As a woman, and on top of that as a Black woman, it’s always this way, you know? We have to face so many barriers.”

Other former patients I spoke with felt similarly, and some believed that Perwaiz specifically targeted poor Black women. In their comments were the echoes of history: of the Tuskegee experiments, when the U.S. Public Health Service left Black people to suffer and die from syphilis so doctors could study the effects of the disease; of Henrietta Lacks, whose cervical-cancer cells were taken without her permission for biomedical studies; of the enslaved Black women whom J. Marion Sims performed experimental surgeries on—surgeries that would earn him the moniker “the father of gynecology.”

These echoes pushed Debra to fight to be heard, even when it seemed like no one cared to listen. She still mourns the children she can never have because of what Perwaiz did. And while she’s glad she finally got to tell her story in court, she’s angry that the legal system’s priority wasn’t to help Perwaiz’s victims. “If an insurance company dies, nobody gets hurt,” she said. “But if I die, my sons grow up without a mom.”

Debra, who now lives in Mississippi, has more she wants to say and do. She’s channeling some of that momentum into a new career: She recently took a job at the Department of Justice, as a program specialist focused on initiatives to de-escalate police violence. “In my little life,” Debra said, “I want to be in a position where I can bring some kind of equity to people’s lives, to help them.”


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The Truth Is Out There

A father’s disappearance, dark family secrets, and the hunt for Bigfoot.

The Atavist Magazine, No. 145


Katya Cengel is a writer and author based in California. Her work has appeared in Smithsonian and the The New York Times Magazine, among other publications. Her most recent book is Straitjackets and Lunch Money.

Editor: Seyward Darby and Jonah Ogles
Art Director: Ed Johnson
Copy Editor: Sean Cooper
Fact Checker: Alison Van Houten
Illustrator: Vartika Sharma

Published in November 2023.


Bruce Champagne stood in a small clearing next to a stump. It was mid-November 2022, and snow was already visible on the nearby mountains. All around Bruce were stands of reeds known as phragmites, some so tall they reached well over his head. Just a short walk away, through a swampy area, was the western edge of Utah Lake.

Bruce, a retired cop in his sixties, had come to this no-man’s-land to research a mysterious sighting. A few years back, an elderly couple living in a house on a nearby bluff saw something they couldn’t explain. The couple refused to recount their experience over the phone, so Bruce visited them at their home in Saratoga Springs, about 30 miles south of Salt Lake City. They told him that they went into the backyard one day because their dog was barking. Not far away, near a stump in the field behind the house, they saw a figure. A creature.  

It appeared to be six or seven feet tall. It was dark, hairy, and humanlike. The creature stood up, paused, then walked away, disappearing into the reeds. The whole thing lasted three or four seconds.

After he heard the couple’s account, Bruce measured the distance between the backyard and the stump. It was 60 yards, a range at which, Bruce knew, the couple would have been able to see the contrasting shades of clothing or skin. But they said that the creature was uniform in color. Bruce also noted that it was May when the sighting happened, which is when carp spawn in Utah Lake. Perhaps the animal, whatever it was, had been feeding.

Now Bruce was weighing whether it was worth placing game cameras in the area. He’d installed them at dozens of sites over the previous decade; a blue dot marked each location on a map on his computer. He told me that retrieving data from the cameras, usually after 30 days or so, felt like Christmas morning. Except in this metaphor, Bruce’s gifts always turned out to be socks and underwear. He spent a lot of time watching footage of deer and squirrels, because the cameras never caught what he was looking for: the relict hominoid Sasquatch, popularly known as Bigfoot.

Bruce considers himself a cryptozoologist, someone who searches for and studies animals whose very existence is disputed. Unlike some of the more eccentric types in the field, Bruce is organized and methodical. He has published papers every bit as dry as those in other areas of study—they just happen to be about relict hominoids, sea serpents, and lake monsters.

His specific obsession with Bigfoot began when he was a kid, more than 50 years ago. In fact, it was right around the time his father disappeared. Bruce is reluctant to allow that the two things might be connected, but it’s hard to see it any other way.

Bruce hasn’t looked for the truth about what happened with his father nearly as hard as he’s looked for Bigfoot. Still, the truth keeps finding him and his family. Over the past five decades, revelations about a man who left home one day and never came back have taken Bruce and the rest of the Champagnes by surprise—again and again and again.

1.

Bruce’s parents met in the Navy. Alan Champagne, the oldest of five from an East Coast family, joined up right out of high school. Lynn Marie Brown enlisted after a brief stint in college studying art. An eccentric young woman who loved science fiction, especially Ray Bradbury, Lynn was 19 when the couple married. After several more years in the Navy, including a posting in Japan, Alan and Lynn settled in Bakersfield, California, a sprawling city of oil wells and orchards populated by the descendants of dust bowl migrants. It was where Lynn had grown up.

Alan found work in the communications sector and then as a probation officer. He attended and graduated from college while working. Lynn took care of the children. There were four boys—Bruce, Brad, Brian, and Barry—and one girl, Deirdre, whom everyone called DeeDee. The boys all had the same middle name: Alan.

Bruce was the oldest. His dad took him shooting, and Bruce used his father’s Winchester 12-gauge. Once when they went fishing at a bass pond, Alan oared out in a rowboat to dislodge a fish his son had caught when it became tangled in some underwater weeds. He could have cut the line, but Alan wanted to make sure Bruce saw the fish he’d caught.

Alan also liked to fish in the ocean. Bruce didn’t go on longer fishing trips, like the one his father scheduled in the late winter of 1972. On Friday, March 10, Alan drove two and a half hours from Bakersfield to Morro Bay, a small community about halfway between San Francisco and Los Angeles. He was meeting a group of friends who worked in law enforcement; they would be gone for the weekend.

Morro Bay got its name from the 576-foot volcanic plug sitting at the mouth of the narrow channel connecting the bay to the Pacific—morro means “snout” in Spanish. The harbor, completed in the 1940s, was a popular launch point for recreational fishing and boating. But there were times, especially in winter, when big swells made navigating the foggy channel treacherous.

According to the Morro Bay Harbor Patrol logbook, word that Alan’s fishing trip was in trouble reached shore at 8:30 a.m. on Saturday. Someone reported that they’d heard a voice calling out for help from a sandspit stretching like a spindly finger up the bay’s western edge. The voice belonged to 15-year-old Steven Stranathan. The boat he was on that morning had capsized.

Steve had been excited to embark on his first fishing trip with a group he called “the guys.” It included Steve’s stepdad, Jack Stranathan, 58, a deputy sheriff and veteran of the Navy and Coast Guard; Joseph Boydstone, 64, a doctor at a Bakersfield jail; and Harry Morlan, 58, and Irlan Warren, 39, both probation officers like Alan, who at 32 was the youngest of the adults aboard.

Steve would later remember kneeling next to Alan just before the accident happened. They were on the cabin deck of a boxy, 28-foot leisure craft made by a company called Land N’ Sea. It was part boat, part travel trailer. It belonged to Jack, who was down below steering. The vessel was more than a mile south of the entrance to Morro Bay and a few hundred yards from the sandspit. The seas were rough. As the boat battled the waves, Steve joked to Alan, “Well, if we go, at least we’ll go laughing.”

The next thing Steve knew it was dark. The boat had split in two and capsized, and he was in the water trying to swim. The cowboy boots his stepdad had mocked him for wearing on the boat were dragging him down. Steve kicked them off, then wriggled out of his Levi’s, flannel shirt, and parka—everything but his underwear. He swam toward the surface. The water got brighter, then brighter still. Steve wondered if he’d make it. Just as he felt sure his lungs would explode, his head burst out of the water.

Steve saw his stepfather floating lifeless nearby. He also saw Harry Morlan clinging to the engines at the stern of the overturned hull. Steve and Harry managed to swim to the sandspit, where another body had washed up: It was Joseph Boydstone. Steve dragged him from the surf.

Soon a Harbor Patrol boat arrived. By 9 a.m. the Coast Guard cutter Cape Hedge was conducting a shoreline search of a five-mile area. Rescue personnel found debris from the boat: two fenders, a canopy. Irlan Warren was also found, alive. Irlan said that after being flung into the water, he swam to the surface. Sometime later, he was able to grab the boat’s propeller shaft and wait for rescue.

The only man unaccounted for was Alan.

At 10:57, an Army helicopter was dispatched to the scene, followed by one from the Navy. By 11:05, a Coast Guard plane had arrived. The pilots made low passes along the ocean side of the sandspit but found nothing.

Meanwhile a dozen firefighters and harbor patrolmen headed toward the white and yellow hull, which by then had beached. Scattered among the driftwood and kelp on the sand were ripped sections of fiberglass, a yellow seat cushion, and a paper plate. Using axes, a crowbar, and a power saw, the men cut a hole in what Land N’ Sea claimed was a “virtually unsinkable” boat. Someone reached into the boat’s cabin and pulled out a leather sandal and a gray plastic box. The crew shone a flashlight inside but couldn’t get a clear view. A rescuer was lowered headfirst into an opening, but if Alan’s body was inside he couldn’t see it.

The Navy tried to flip the hull upright. A rope was slipped under the bow and the other end was attached to a chopper. Three times an attempt was made to lift the wreckage, without success. Shovels came out, and men loosened the sand around the hull. On the fourth try, the helicopter was able to lift the hull and then slam it back down, right side up.

It was now 12:40. The tide was coming in, the ocean lapping at the men’s ankles. From the hull they pulled a waterlogged suitcase, a pillow, and a dented teakettle. Scouring the beach once more, they found a sleeping bag and a tabletop. But there was no body.

There never would be. Which was strange.

“We do have probably a disproportionate amount of accidents out here just because the coast is rough,” said Eric Endersby, who recently retired as director of the Morro Bay Harbor Patrol. Endersby didn’t work the 1972 rescue, but he knows the history of the bay as well as anyone. He said that boating accidents resulting in death are rare. But what’s even more unusual is someone disappearing after a wreck. “If somebody’s lost in the surf, even if they sink, they eventually wash in just because all the wave energy pushes them,” Eric said.

“In my thirty years,” he continued, “we’ve never not recovered somebody.”

There was no casket at the service, because there was no body. Someone at church told BRUCE about caves around Morro Bay—maybe Alan made it to one of those.

Bruce was playing in the family’s backyard in Bakersfield when his mom came outside. “Your dad is missing,” Lynn said. Bruce had argued with his dad the day before. His father was tough with him, Bruce told me, “physical.” Bruce doesn’t remember what they fought about, but it stayed with him. “My memories are kind of built around that,” he said.

Bruce’s brother Brad remembered adults gathering in the family’s single-story house, and whatever they talked about seemed serious. Bruce’s sister, DeeDee, went to stay with a friend, where she heard whispers, chatter. It was about her dad.

“What happened?” she asked.

“Your father is dead.”

DeeDee started to cry. Someone told her not to.

The details of the accident were murky. About all anyone could agree on was that Jack Stranathan’s boat had capsized. Press coverage suggested that Alan was seen alive in the water, but Steve Stranathan could only remember his presence on deck before they went under. Irlan Warren told a newspaper reporter that there was “some confusion” about what happened after the accident. “I’d rather not comment on that portion,” he said. Harry Morlan also declined to comment.

There was a memorial service for Alan. His mother flew in with two of his siblings. Alan’s son Brad, who was six at the time, remembers “crying like a baby.” In the days and weeks that followed, Lynn did a lot of crying too, usually alone, locked in her room. But she didn’t talk about Alan, not with the kids anyway.

Reading the silence, the Champagne siblings learned not to mention their father. Barry recalled that the only time it seemed OK to bring him up was when the family drove past the communications tower where Alan once worked. Spotting the tall antenna on Mount Vernon Avenue, the kids would say, “That’s Dad’s tower.” Lynn didn’t seem to mind.

The children felt Alan’s absence in different ways. A man from the church the Champagnes attended accompanied DeeDee to father-daughter dances so she wouldn’t be left out. Brian was aware of only one other kid who didn’t have a father, but that was because of a divorce—nobody else his age had a “dead dad.” If Alan were alive, Brad supposed that he wouldn’t be so terrible at Little League.

Barry was only three when Alan vanished, so he had no memories of his dad at all. Lynn once told him that before heading out of town for the fishing trip, Alan had said goodbye at the house when Lynn and Barry were the only ones home. That made Barry the last of the kids his father saw. Barry held on to what his mother told him—a memory that wasn’t even his.

As for Bruce, he was told that he was now the man of the house and needed to step up. He felt responsible for maintaining order, making sure things got done. He also felt that it was his job to protect his mother. “He was kind of jerky when we were kids,” Barry recalled. Bruce imitated his dad: He got physical with his younger siblings. He thought that’s what he was supposed to do.

His father’s accident wasn’t the first time Bruce lost someone to Morro Bay. His best friend, Scott Keller, went fishing there one weekend in 1970, when they were in third grade. The Friday before the trip, Scott was super excited. On Monday, someone at school told Bruce that Scott wasn’t coming back; the boat he’d been on had capsized, and Scott drowned. At the funeral, Bruce saw his best friend lying in a coffin, a Cub Scouts ring on his finger.

Scott was clearly dead. With Alan things were more complicated. There was no casket at the service, because there was no body. Someone at church told him about caves around Morro Bay—maybe Alan made it to one of those. For a while, he held out hope.

Amid all the tragedy and uncertainty of his childhood, Bruce became a kid who liked myths. Except that isn’t quite the right way to frame it. He liked learning about what most people dismissed as myths. He wasn’t so sure they were myths at all.

Bruce first encountered Bigfoot two years before his father disappeared, in a Bakersfield movie theater. He quickly forgot the feature he watched with his family that day, but not the footage that came on at intermission. Shot on 16-millimeter film by Roger Patterson and Bob Gimlin in Northern California in 1967, the silent, grainy sequence lasts less than a minute. A figure appears at the edge of a clearing, a massive apelike creature walking upright, its muscles rippling beneath a shiny black coat. The camera wobbles, dips, then rises again, capturing the figure as it moves beside a creek, its long arms swinging. It turns and looks back briefly before heading into the trees, out of sight.

The Patterson-Gimlin footage was a sensation, particularly in the western U.S. Plenty of people called it a hoax, but others considered it proof that Bigfoot existed. Bruce was one of them. In an era when the makeup used on the actors in Planet of the Apes was the pinnacle of special effects, he was sure that the Bigfoot he saw on that screen couldn’t be fake. Its proportions weren’t human, nor was its gait. It looked like it was gliding.

About a year after the boat accident, Bruce saw The Legend of Boggy Creek, a horror docudrama about a Bigfoot-like creature called the Fouke Monster believed to have terrorized people in Arkansas. When the creature reached through a window to grab someone, Bruce was frightened but also excited. To his younger siblings it was just a monster movie. To Bruce it rekindled the curiosity he felt watching the Patterson-Gimlin footage.

After that he spent hot summer afternoons in the library devouring books on Bigfoot and other creatures he had little or no chance of ever seeing in real life. He watched documentaries and clipped newspaper articles about mythical animals, filling scrapbooks. As he got older, Bruce took the obsession further, spending whole days and nights in the mountains outside Bakersfield, hoping to catch a glimpse of Bigfoot—even though he was hundreds of miles south of where the Patterson-Gimlin film was shot. He slept in trees to avoid scorpions and rattlesnakes.

Once, he went fishing with two friends, camping about 20 miles from a place called Painted Rock, famous for its ancient pictographic paintings; one of the images, known as Hairy Man, depicts a tall two-legged creature with very long hair. On that trip, Bruce saw what looked like a footprint in the sand at the edge of a creek. The print was approximately 18 inches long. The sand was pockmarked with rain that had only just stopped, but there were no marks in the footprint. Whatever made the print had been there recently. Bruce looked at the dense woods nearby and saw branches that had been bent and broken seven or more feet off the ground. 

To him it seemed like Bigfoot had just been there. And though he was always sure he’d pursue the creature if he saw it, now he was terrified.

“We have to leave,” he said to his friends. “Now.”  

At home Bruce struggled. The authority he wielded over his siblings created rifts that would last decades. It got so bad that when Bruce was 15, his mom sent him to live with his Aunt Teddy in Hawaii. Teddy was Lynn’s sister, younger by three years. Their parents had hoped for a boy and planned to name him Theodore. That’s how Teddy got her full name, Theodora. Her nickname led to plenty of teasing when she was little. “But I soon began to accept it when they came out with that cute little piece of underwear, the teddy,” she said.

Bruce lived with his aunt for a year, and during that time he heard about the discovery of a new species of shark off the coast of Oahu, the megamouth. It was monstrous, unlike any shark seen before. For Bruce it was further proof that the world was full of elusive truths waiting to be uncovered.

Teddy cast furtive glances at the man she felt sure was her brother-in-law. His appearance hadn’t changed much. He still wore glasses.

At one point after the accident, Bruce heard a strange story from Teddy, about something she’d seen a few years earlier in California. Her first husband was driving them from Lake Tahoe to Bakersfield. Teddy glanced at another southbound vehicle and saw a familiar face.

“Look, look!” Teddy called out. “I think it’s Alan!”

Alan who’d been lost at sea. Alan who was presumed dead.

Teddy watched the other car, saw it veer toward an exit. “Follow him,” she told her husband. He did, all the way to a baseball field just off the highway, and then, on foot with Teddy, to the bleachers to watch a Little League game. Teddy cast furtive glances at the man she felt sure was her brother-in-law. His appearance hadn’t changed much. He still wore glasses.

“I looked and looked, and he still looked like Alan to me,” Teddy said.

For some reason, she didn’t approach him. But the experience would haunt her, because to Teddy, Alan being alive made a lot of sense.

Right after Alan vanished, Teddy drove nearly 400 miles to be with her sister in Bakersfield. It was late at night when she finally heard the details of what had happened. The kids were asleep. Also at Lynn’s house were one of the survivors from the accident—Teddy can’t remember who—and Alan’s close friend Woodrow White Jr., whom everyone called Woody. According to Teddy, the survivor reported seeing Alan in the water after the boat capsized. They both surfaced, then went under. When they came up again, they were farther apart. Another wave rolled by. After that Alan was gone.

“I suspect he escaped,” Teddy told the group. Later she would recall Lynn agreeing with her.

Alan was “a very, very strong swimmer,” Teddy told me. He grew up around water in New England, with a father who loved boats, and he served in the Navy. Alan knew to wear shoes without laces when he was out fishing, so he could kick them off if he went overboard.

A colleague once told Teddy how easy it was to disappear. All you had to do, they said, was move three times—different cities, different states—and no one would find you. In an age before the Internet, that was all it took. “I just thought he saw his chance,” Teddy said of Alan.

Lynn had been getting “fanatically religious,” Teddy explained, in the years leading up to Alan’s disappearance. The couple converted to Mormonism after they married, but Alan struggled with the faith’s dictates against smoking and drinking. As Lynn became more devout, Alan got more distracted. At least that’s how it looked to Teddy when she visited. After Alan bought a little green convertible, an MG, Teddy figured that there must be a woman somewhere. “But we never discovered that,” she acknowledged.

When Bruce learned that his aunt might have seen his dad on the highway, he was ambivalent. He no longer thought Alan might have made it to a cave on Morro Bay. He didn’t think Alan made it anywhere at all. He’d finally given up the last shred of hope that his dad was still alive. Hearing what Teddy had to say wasn’t helpful.

By then Bruce was focused on another theory: that his dad was eaten by a shark, possibly a great white. That’s what his paternal grandmother, Phyllis Champagne, believed—even though great whites were almost never spotted in Morro Bay back then, and shark season didn’t start until July, four months after Alan vanished.

When Bruce finished high school, he went to college to study marine biology. Specifically, he studied the feeding habits of great white sharks.


Bruce’s sister, DeeDee, couldn’t dismiss outright the idea that her dad might still be alive. Not after she learned about her parents’ separation.

This painful fact tumbled into the open as the kids got older. Maybe the adults in their lives felt they no longer needed protecting. DeeDee married at 19—a young bride, like her mother. She thinks it was sometime after when she first learned that Alan had moved out of the house just prior to disappearing. To keep up appearances, he spent evenings with his family, leaving only after the kids were in bed. He made sure to be back in the morning before they got up.

That revelation changed the way DeeDee remembered her dad. She picked apart everything she thought she knew. Memories took on a different meaning. Her father was an intelligent man, someone who’d skipped grades in school. He had survival skills; he’d been in the Navy. It didn’t make sense that he would die in a boat accident, of all things. Maybe Teddy really had seen Alan on the highway.

DeeDee later recalled hearing somewhere that her father had been reading or talking about a book on how to change one’s identity. Who said that? Did she imagine it? Surely she didn’t imagine that one of the survivors of the accident said that he saw Alan alive in the water, so it was at least possible he’d swum away. DeeDee also remembered one of the survivors reporting that Alan said “Well, that’s the shits” or “This is the shit” before vanishing forever.

But it was Woody White who tipped the balance for DeeDee. The Champagne children didn’t recall seeing Woody much before the accident. He was a librarian, a hippie-looking guy. He and Alan had met in college and were both huge sports fans; they especially liked ice hockey. After Alan disappeared, Woody was around a lot more. He’d take Barry to professional hockey games in Los Angeles. At Christmas, he visited the Champagnes’ house and asked the kids questions about their lives. When one by one the siblings got married, Woody was there taking photos.

Maybe Woody was trying to be there for a family that had suffered a devastating tragedy. But once DeeDee learned about her parents’ separation, and that Teddy believed she’d seen Alan in the flesh, she wondered: What if her dad was alive and Woody knew it? What if he’d been giving updates about the kids to Alan, wherever he was?

In 1991, DeeDee wrote a letter to the TV show Unsolved Mysteries. “My name is Deirdre Hahs, DeeDee to my friends and family,” it read. “I am married and have two beautiful little girls. I am so very proud of my family and the things we have accomplished in our life, yet there is still one element missing, my father Alan. I ‘lost’ him when I was 8 years old and have since missed out on all those things a father can give to a daughter.” DeeDee described the accident, how Alan was the only one never found, and Woody’s sudden visits. She claimed to have asked Woody more than once whether he was reporting back to Alan, and that he hadn’t given her a straight answer.

She asked the show’s producers to help her find Alan; they declined. Left unsaid in DeeDee’s request was a more complicated question: What kind of man would abandon his family by pretending to be dead?

2.

Alan’s mother was sure her son was dead, because she never heard from him. The insurance company had asked Phyllis Champagne about this specifically: After Alan disappeared, did she receive any strange messages or gifts? A bouquet perhaps, sent with an unsigned postcard or note? No, she said, never. “He would have contacted me, there would have been something if he was still alive,” she told her daughter Lisa. “I’ve never gotten anything.”

According to Lisa, Alan was the golden boy of the family, the sibling no one fought with, the man they all admired. Lisa was the youngest of five, and the only one still living at home in Rhode Island when her father suffered a major heart attack. Alan, married with kids, flew home from California to help out. When he discovered that Lisa, who was eight at the time, had never learned to tie her shoes, he showed her how. He took her to see Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, picking her up at school for the occasion. To this day, every time she hears the song “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head,” which is featured in the film, she thinks of her brother.

The summer after she finished sixth grade, Lisa and her mother visited Alan in California. Lisa stepped off the airplane in her elementary school graduation dress, sunglasses perched on her nose. Her big brother took one look and nicknamed her “Hollywood.” He took everyone to Disneyland and Knott’s Berry Farm in a Rambler station wagon.

The last time Lisa visited Alan, he was driving the little green convertible, the one that made Teddy speculate he was cheating on Lynn. Lisa said that her parents didn’t like the sports car either—they found it “frivolous” for a father of five. Lisa had no such qualms, and loved riding with the top down. “If you come out here to college,” Alan told her, “you can drive this car.”

A year later he was gone.

Lisa’s sister-in-law Pat, now 75, has fond memories of Alan, too. She was married to Kenny, one of his brothers. Alan persuaded the couple to move from Rhode Island to California; Pat arrived on the West Coast five months pregnant. Kenny was in the Coast Guard Reserve, and when he was away Alan checked in on Pat. Once, when she was really homesick, he put her on a plane back to Rhode Island to visit her family. It was the first time she’d ever flown. 

After Alan disappeared, Pat wanted to believe that he’d survived and would eventually be found safe. “I waited every day to see him walk down my driveway,” she told me from her home in Connecticut. But that was just the grief talking. She knew deep down that he was dead. “I can’t ever imagine Alan leaving his kids, no matter what,” Pat said.

That was what Lisa said, and Phyllis, too. It’s what Alan’s kids heard from their paternal relatives whenever they raised doubts about their dad’s fate—a supposed certainty that became harder to believe when another family secret bubbled to the surface. 

As an adult, Barry Champagne worked in the education field. He was an assistant principal at Bakersfield Adult School, where he also taught night classes, when the phone call came to his home in the early 2000s. Yvette, his wife, answered it in the kitchen. The woman on the other end stumbled over her words. “I’m from your husband’s past,” she finally managed to say.

Yvette had to sit down. She feared she was about to learn that Barry had been unfaithful. Instead, the woman said that her name was Denise and that she was Barry’s sister. She’d tracked him down online.

When Yvette told Barry about the call, he remembered something his maternal grandmother once said. He’d lived with her for a while when he was a teenager, well after Alan vanished, and one day she mentioned that Alan had fathered a child before he married Lynn. Barry never told his brothers or his sister or discussed what Phyllis told him with his mom. That’s how he was raised: to keep quiet about things that might cause a stir. But now, decades later, a woman claiming to be that long-lost half-sibling was on the phone. Barry called Lynn.

“Mom, this lady called me and said she’s our sister,” he said.

“Oh… Denise,” Lynn replied. Barry hadn’t yet told her the woman’s name.

So Lynn knew. Except that Alan, she said, had always denied paternity, and she’d believed him. Lynn never told the kids about Denise, because she didn’t think there was anything to tell.

Barry broke the news to his siblings. For DeeDee, it was more confirmation that “there’s just a lot we didn’t know.” In April 2005, Denise Ferraro came to Bakersfield armed with photo albums. One look at her baby pictures and Barry knew that a DNA test wasn’t necessary, although they did one anyway. It came back as expected: Denise was their half-sister. 

Denise was a teenager when she realized that the man who’d raised her wasn’t her biological father. She found letters her mother wrote while pregnant. Denise then retrieved a court document showing that a man named Alan Champagne had denied being her father. There was also a court order mandating that he pay her mother a small amount of money each month.  

Denise approached her mom, Leslie Wallace, with questions. Leslie told Denise what she could. “You want to know who your parents are—good, bad, or ugly,” Leslie, who is now 80, told me.

Leslie was 16 when she met Alan. A sophomore in high school, she liked swimming and sunbathing in Mission Beach, San Diego, where she lived with her parents in a tiny apartment. “I didn’t have but one friend,” she said, a girl named Sherry who lived in the apartment upstairs.

Sherry wasn’t with Leslie the day Alan and two other young men approached her on the beach. They were friendly and funny. They hung out with Leslie for an hour. A few days later Alan reappeared, alone this time. Leslie knew that he was in the Navy. He would have been 20 at the time. He told her that his family lived in New England. He asked if she’d like to go out.

He took her to a drive-in. She introduced him to her parents. He even went to her uncle’s wedding. Alan was her first real boyfriend.

According to Leslie, the relationship lasted “until I showed up pregnant.” She went to where Alan’s ship was docked and asked for him. She waited. Then a man came out and told her that Alan wouldn’t be coming to see her. “Well, I’m pregnant, what am I supposed to do?” she asked. The man said that was her problem.

Her father didn’t have any luck either when he contacted the Navy and demanded that Alan do right by Leslie. Her parents’ apartment was too cramped for a baby, so she dropped out of school and drove herself to a Salvation Army home for unwed mothers in Los Angeles. There were chores to do and church services to attend. After she gave birth to Denise, a guy she was seeing asked her to marry him. She said yes. “He rescued me and Denise,” Leslie said. Her husband, Harold, raised Denise as his own.

Denise had a tough life. Like her mom, she dropped out of high school. She married twice, once to a man who wound up doing time. She got her GED and battled methamphetamine addiction. She had kids. Her middle child, Tracy Craig, left home as a teenager but finished school and became a nurse. “I think there’s a trickle effect,” Tracy said. “This whole idea of generational trauma is very real in our family.”

Eventually, Denise started looking for Alan, unaware of what had happened in Morro Bay. Like DeeDee, she contacted a TV show for help. When she found Barry online and learned about Alan’s disappearance, Denise didn’t believe that he was dead. Leslie had her own doubts. “He ran away from one responsibility,” she said. Why not another?

He looked for runaways, elderly people with faltering minds who wandered off, people who vanished for no apparent reason. “That happens a lot more than people know,” Bruce said.

Learning what Alan had done to Leslie and Denise disturbed his other five children. Still, Bruce tried to cut his dad some slack. “Maybe he was like everybody else, just doing the best he could,” he said.

Bruce’s career in marine biology didn’t last as long as he’d hoped it would. For a while, he sold exotic fish and animals for an import company, which transferred him to Utah. He had a family by then, a wife and several kids to support. When the company fell on hard times, he looked for a different job. A neighbor who was a sheriff offered him work, and he later enrolled in a police academy. In time he became a detective.

Bruce worked a lot of missing person cases, including one that involved a woman who police believed was killed by her husband and dumped in Utah Lake. Bruce didn’t find her body in the water; he didn’t find it anywhere. And without a body, it was difficult for her loved ones to get closure. Bruce knew what that was like. 

He looked for runaways, elderly people with faltering minds who wandered off, people who vanished for no apparent reason. “That happens a lot more than people know,” Bruce said. He was thinking specifically of a 12-year-old Boy Scout named Garrett Bardsley, who went fishing with his dad at a pond in the rugged Uinta Mountains in August 2004. Garrett had gotten his clothes wet, so his dad told him to walk the quarter-mile path back to their camp to change. The boy was never seen again.  

Hundreds of people searched for Garrett. Bruce was part of a 24-man SWAT team called in to help. They didn’t find any evidence of an animal attack, and there were no leads on a possible kidnapping. It was as if Garret had evaporated.

In his free time, Bruce gravitated toward other mysteries. Over two decades as a cop, he pursued cryptozoology as a hobby, a serious one. He read a lot, connected with other enthusiasts, visited sites where people claimed to have seen mythical creatures. He developed a point system for rating the plausibility of these sightings, based on criteria such as how detailed the report was, how many witnesses there were, and how long the sighting lasted. If an incident didn’t score high enough—at least five points—he didn’t consider it data. It was a rumor, in his book, nothing more.

Bruce’s daughter Brittany said that, growing up, life at home was never dull. The family had pet snakes, lizards, and fish. And once, her brothers thought they saw an alien. Brittany was around ten at the time; her brothers, Alan and Sawyer, were a few years younger. Alan got up in the middle of the night, terrified, and told his father that something had been standing on his bed. Sawyer claimed to have seen it as well. Bruce separated the boys and had them draw pictures of what they’d seen. The drawings were eerily similar.

Brittany thought there was excitement on her father’s face when he saw how the images matched up. But Bruce remembers thinking that if an alien really had gotten into the house, he’d failed as a dad—failed to protect his family, including the boy named after his missing father. “I wasn’t there for him,” Bruce said.

3.

If initially Lynn thought that her husband might have faked his death, as her sister Teddy claimed, with time she managed to push the notion from her mind. Lynn took comfort in her Mormon faith. For a while she wrote to a man behind bars, as part of a program through her church. She even took the kids to visit him. After he was released they dated. According to her kids the man stole the silver coins Lynn had bought with the life insurance money she got after Alan’s disappearance. Later she married a man named Earl. They were still together when Lynn died of breast cancer in 2009.

Bruce ended up with a lot of his mom’s personal documents. Among them was a short newspaper article about Alan’s graduation from California State University at Fresno with a degree in political science. Bruce had read the piece before but somehow missed one detail. The reporter listed two reasons Alan’s achievement was exceptional: He’d served nine years in the Navy before starting college, and “he worked fulltime while going to college, supporting his wife and seven children.”

Seven children. If it hadn’t been for Denise, Bruce probably would have written that number off as a typo. Now he couldn’t. Even counting Denise, there were only six kids. Bruce wondered: Is there someone else out there? He told his siblings and exchanged updates with DeeDee about matches on a consumer DNA network they both joined.

It was while doing genealogical research, looking for family documents in online archives, that Bruce found out that his parents hadn’t merely been separated. Alan had filed divorce papers with the local court on March 9, 1972—the day before he left for Morro Bay. The papers said that the children were to remain with Lynn, and that spousal support should not be awarded.

Once again the Champagne siblings were faced with a confounding possibility: Their father may never have intended to return from the fishing trip. “How can you just say, ‘I’m done?’ ” Barry wondered. As a husband and father himself, he couldn’t fathom it.

The siblings could recall their mom implying that, had Alan come back from that trip, their separation wouldn’t have lasted, that reconciliation was inevitable. Maybe she lied for her kids’ benefit; maybe it was wishful thinking on her part. In personal notes Lynn kept before Alan’s disappearance, which the kids have since read, she described Alan walking her through paying the monthly household bills. She seemed to think he was just being helpful, showing her something everyone should know how to do. A half-century later, with the divorce papers in hand, her kids wondered if Alan was preparing Lynn for life without him.

Woody doesn’t dismiss the possibility that his friend made it out of Morro Bay. “I still to this day don’t know,” he said.  

The kids don’t think Lynn was ever served with the divorce papers, but they can’t say for sure, and they can’t ask Lynn. She’s just one of several people in this story who are no longer alive.

Alan’s parents are dead. His siblings too, save for his sister Lisa. Two of the survivors of the accident, Irlan Warren and Harry Morlan, died in 1998. Even Denise is gone, killed in a traffic accident in 2019. At her funeral, Bruce asked Leslie if she thought Alan was a good man. Leslie said yes, but she knew it was a lie.

Some of the people connected in one way or another to Alan’s disappearance are old enough to be losing their grasp on the past. Soon they will be gone, too. Others don’t have much to add. Woody White, now 76, told me that he’d fielded various questions from Alan’s children over the years, including DeeDee’s suspicion that her dad wasn’t dead. He did his best to answer them. “It’s just a difficult situation,” he said. “Especially when there’s no body. That opens it up to all sorts of speculation.”

He insisted that he was “absolutely not” relaying information back to Alan. “I had no indication he was still alive,” he said. “I would have certainly said something about that.”

Yet Woody doesn’t dismiss the possibility that his friend made it out of Morro Bay. “I still to this day don’t know,” he said.  

Steve Stranathan, who was next to Alan when the boat capsized, is 67, a Navy veteran, and a retired medic. He wears hearing aids and likes to go on motorcycle trips. He lives with the memory of seeing his stepfather, Jack, floating dead in the water with blood on his face. Steve knows that the mind can play tricks on the bereaved. “There’s been a couple of times I thought I saw Jack,” he said. “I believe that if you miss somebody so much—I mean, there are triggers. Somebody’s hair, the way they walk at a distance. We’ve all seen people that look like people that have passed on.”

These days the sandspit where Steve yelled for help back in 1972 is a popular spot for walkers, kayakers, and paddleboarders, almost all of whom carry cell phones. It would be hard for a person to swim to shore from a boat, capsized or not, and walk away from their life without anyone noticing. But in the 1970s, that wasn’t the case. The sandspit was all but deserted most of the time. Before the rescue crews arrived on March 11, there might have been a window. “You could have snuck off into the dunes,” said Eric Endersby of the Morro Bay Harbor Patrol, “and been unaccounted for probably pretty easily.”

Steve doesn’t know what to say about that possibility. He knows what happened to Jack. He has carried the weight of that trauma for more than 50 years. That’s enough for him. Alan’s disappearance isn’t his burden to bear, or his mystery to solve.

What becomes of a person when a mystery is lodged in the very heart of their existence?

This story is one of painful probabilities and possibilities. A husband, father, son, and brother either died in a horrific accident or used that accident to flee the life he was living. Either way, he would probably no longer be alive today. His family is forever left with pieces of a puzzle that can’t be made whole. The shapes that fit together over time weren’t always pretty. The gaps may be uglier still.

Brian is still learning how to talk about what happened. For the 50th anniversary of his father’s disappearance, he decided to turn his family’s story into a TV news segment. He spent his career working as a cameraman and journalist and now teaches the craft. “I lived so long with third-hand accounts of what happened to my dad,” he wrote to me. “The camera helps me get closer.” It had been a useful tool for telling other people’s stories; now it could help him tell his own.

Brian and his son drove to Morro Bay and shot footage of the surf and the sandspit. In the segment, which ran on the Bakersfield station KGET, Brian notes that no one in the family went to therapy after Alan’s disappearance—that wasn’t what people did back then. The Champagnes barely knew how to talk to one another about their loss. “There is that human side,” Brian says on screen. “Maybe starting this week, I’ll start sharing that more.”

Sharing is the reason the Champagne siblings agreed to talk to me. They don’t think it will lead to long-awaited answers or provide closure. “That’s a big word,” Brian said. As a journalist, he covered homicides and missing person cases. He believes closure isn’t something most people who’ve suffered tragedy ever get. Only DeeDee thinks differently on this point. “I feel like you are hopefully going to sum it all up for us,” she said. “And we’re going to take a look, and we’re gonna go, boom, there it is.”

It’s a flattering notion, of course, but unlikely to happen; I said as much to DeeDee. In sharing their story, with the world and with each other, what the Champagnes might get is clarity—not about Alan’s disappearance, but about how it has affected their lives.

DeeDee hates not knowing more about her father, especially what kind of man he was, what he cared about, what he believed in. But those questions have led her to be open with her own family. “I want my children and my grandchildren to remember something about me, at the very least that they were important to me,” DeeDee said.

Sharing has also been a way of mending troubled ties. A few years ago, Barry, Brian, Brad, and DeeDee started doing a remote trivia night together. They didn’t involve Bruce—he went to bed too early, or at least that’s what his siblings told themselves. In truth, Bruce’s relationship with some of them had been strained since childhood, because of how he acted after their dad vanished. Recently, though, Bruce joined the trivia night. Now all the siblings are on a text chain together. There, Bruce has been sharing memories of their dad—of father-son fishing trips and other excursions; of books Alan gave him; of things that only Bruce, as the eldest kid, could ever know.


Bruce believes that his father died that day at sea. He leaves it to others to prove him wrong, if that’s even possible. He prefers to focus his energies on finding Bigfoot.

Recently, Bruce chose some new locations to set up game cameras. After placing two near an old Utah mining village, he headed in his Jeep to a spot not far from where he’d cast footprints with his kids when they were young—prints he thinks may have been left by a relict hominoid. Bruce parked and switched off his dash camera, installed after a possible drive-by sighting. Then he walked a few hundred feet up a gravel road and began searching for a tree that wasn’t too bushy; he didn’t want to risk leaves or branches blocking the lens.

He found a suitable tree and secured a camera to it. Then from his backpack he removed a container labeled “Sasquatch pheromone, strong odor.” Inside was a bright orange plastic badge, about the size of a dog tag, bathed in a mix of human and chimpanzee pheromones. Using plastic bags as gloves, Bruce pulled the badge out of the container. It smelled musky, like old urine. He tied the fetid object to a low tree branch in view of the camera, then scattered grapes and apple slices on the ground around it.

He would return in 30 days to retrieve the footage and see what ate the fruit. He admitted that to outsiders his work can seem tedious, even silly. Not to him.

So there’s hope? I asked. “Always,” he said.

Bruce returned to the Jeep, switched on his dash camera—just in case—and started for home.  


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